Act as Though This Is Such a Clever Tactic
You’ve decided. You’re going to the beach. Your calendar is strangely uncluttered and the sky remarkably clear, so there’s nothing standing in your way. When worry predictably pops up and makes some lame excuse about elevated levels of ultraviolet radiation, you brush it aside and promptly tag it as noise.
“Chill out, Anxiety. It’s the beach not the Arabian Desert. Just try to stop me. And P.S., it’s called sunscreen.”
And yet, as you load up the car with towels and blankets and swimsuits and sunblock and sandwiches, as you buckle your two-year-old into the car seat in advance of the thirty-minute drive to the ocean, it’s only natural that Anxiety checks in to see how things are going, to infuse some discomfort, to make one last-ditch effort to royally stress you out. Boy, you’re bringing a lot of stuff to the beach. I think you’re overdoing it. Maybe this is more trouble than it’s worth. It could be too crowded when you get there, and then all of this preparation will be for nothing. How far are you going to be from home? What if something goes wrong while you’re gone? This seems more and more like a bad idea. Wait! Aren’t you terrified of the water?
And then Anxiety suggests, oh so casually, Perhaps it’s better if you just stay home.
This right here is the perfect occasion to “act as though.” Anxiety knows that this is a make-or-break kind of moment. If it drums up enough apprehension over the threat of skin cancer and the tantrum-throwing toddler in the backseat and the various appliances that can spontaneously combust while you’re away, then the whole trip will fall to pieces.
In this moment, any of us can respond in one of two ways. We can choose to tussle with Anxiety, which is what it wants—it wants to arm wrestle. It wants to struggle with us, because struggling means stalling. Struggling with Anxiety casts more doubt, causes us to second-guess our actions, and ultimately leaves us stagnant. Or we can simply keep moving forward. We can persevere in the face of doubt. We “act as though.” We act as though we can protect ourselves from too much sun, and we will handle the crowd if it’s there. We act as though, on the outside chance that something goes wrong, we’ll manage it. And we act as though all this beach fun will be worth our effort.
When we “act as though,” we move toward the feared situation as though it’s all going to work out. We behave as though there’s no major threat to fear. Full disclosure: this is not a radical new concept. We “act as though” all the time, without even knowing that we’re doing it.
I’m only asking you to do something that you do every waking moment of every day. We must “act as though” in our daily lives. If we didn’t, we could never accomplish anything. We couldn’t assume that the water from the faucet was clean. We couldn’t assume that gravity would continue to keep us grounded or that the earth would continue to spin. We make these assumptions without thinking about them. “Acting as though” allows us to take action. “Acting as though” permits us to drive to the beach on a day when there are no clouds and zero obligations.
As you program the GPS and pull out of the driveway, you act as though the trip will be effortless, the roads will be open, and your SUV will make it to your destination without incident. You’ll assume that, while you’re away, the oven won’t turn itself on and burn the house down. When your daughter pines for some dried blueberries, you act as though she won’t upend the bag and empty its contents onto her lap as you’ve asked her (on multiple occasions) not to do. You’ll walk toward the water as though the car will be perfectly safe in the unattended lot. You’ll run toward the shoreline as though your possessions will remain untouched and undisturbed on the blanket you’ve stretched out on the sand. You’ll dive into those waves as if the sharks and sea creatures residing beneath the ocean’s surface want little or nothing to do with you. And you’ll wear sunblock because, well, that’s just common sense.
You might find yourself saying, “Ugh, I’m not going to put myself through that. I don’t want that terrible feeling of insecurity and discomfort. How do I know that the sharks want nothing to do with me?!” Catch yourself in that moment and shift your perspective to “Geez, I’m a little worried about this. But I’m going to act as though this is all right with me.” Either support your excitement and pleasure about swimming in the ocean, or head back to the blanket. It’s your choice.
By the way, this isn’t some halfhearted “fake it till you make it” pretense. To “act as though” is a powerful intervention that can help you make a decision and then take action. It comes in two flavors.
When we take a risk, we inevitably face some intimidation. No one is cool as a cucumber seconds before their first bungee jump off the bridge. On top of that insecurity, Anxiety has the ability to add another layer of uncertainty and a sense that you can’t handle it. So you need the tactic of “act as though” to counter this stronger sense of doubt. When you decide to act as though you can handle whatever happens (“I’m going to assume the hotel housekeeping staff has cleaned the room and changed the sheets”), and when you hand that message off to your executive voice, then you’re not going to let Anxiety question your decision. Instead, you’ll say something to the tune of “Nope, I’m not going to analyze this decision again, Anxiety. I’m going to keep moving forward. Now beat it.”
You need to recognize that of course some part of you is going to resist unpleasantness, difficulties, and threatening moments; that’s human nature. (Sir Isaac Newton taught us in Chapter 8 with his Third Law of Motion.) So it’s a given that your fearful side will voice its concerns. The goal is to not let that voice serve as the decision maker in the moment. Call up the side of you that is willing to push on through the doubts and difficulties rather than struggle against them.
“This ‘act as though’ thing is totally nuts,” you say. “Why would I push forward without knowing that it is the right thing to do?” But wait a minute, you are already backing away from this challenge on the basis of uncertainty. That means you are acting as though certain beliefs are true without investigating. It’s the old “better safe than sorry” stance that keeps you from taking action. Do these sound familiar?
These aren’t truisms. You are responding to an interpretation of the circumstance, not the circumstance itself. When we get scared, we make up these positions (positions like “all dogs can turn aggressive at any moment”), and we let them control our actions. We make decisions as though these momentary opinions are valid facts, but they are not. They are interpretations, and if they are needlessly limiting us, we need to challenge them. So I’m not proposing some crazy intervention (not this time, at least). Rather, I’m recommending that you call into question some preexisting points of view that are holding you back.
But here’s the cunning part. It’s difficult to go toe-to-toe with our firmly held beliefs. We aren’t going to get rid of our belief first and then act. That’s asking too much. And it’s not necessary. “Act as though” is our secret weapon that allows us to sidestep those rigid beliefs. “Act as though” grants us the opportunity to discover something new. Instead of requiring yourself to dismantle that avoidant point of view, take the stance of “I can’t really figure out if this is safe to do, but I’m going to act as though it’s safe” or “I don’t really know if I can handle this, but I’m going to act as though I can.”
When “I can’t tolerate people judging me” is preventing you from talking casually with your coworkers at your new job, that’s a hard belief to completely extinguish. But it’s not necessary to make a frontal attack on this mind-set. You don’t have to say, “Yes, I can! I can handle it if people think I’m awkward. Be quiet!” Instead, you can take a different kind of firm stance: “Yes, I’m nervous about this, and I’m going to act as though I can handle their judgment.”
Or let’s say that you have long been afraid that your next panic attack might turn into a heart attack. Even if you’ve now collected enough evidence to reassure you of your heart’s capacity, will you be able to hold on to that opinion as you approach a threatening scene? In that moment, it might be difficult to tell yourself, “I’m sure I’ll be fine. Getting panicky is no fun, but I won’t be putting my heart in danger.” Doubt will slip in, and you have to accept that. But in the face of this insecurity, another option is to say, “Yes, I know I’m going to feel unsure, and I’m going to act as though I’ll be fine.”
Are you someone who compulsively checks the doors and windows and faucets and your car’s interior light and emergency brake? Good luck being able to tell yourself not to worry because everything is fine. You can’t reach your goals that way, because Anxiety won’t let you. “I’m going to act as though everything is okay” is your ticket out of your suffering. And what would you do if you acted as though everything was okay? You’d step away from the front door, and those windows and faucets inside the house, and you’d head to your destination. You’d walk away from the car and into the mall. You’d still feel unsure and insecure about your decision to not check again. But you’d walk away as though you felt secure.
I worked with a woman who wanted to rein in her tendency to blush because it caused her neck and upper chest to blotch, which then triggered embarrassment and shame. She was getting married soon, and she couldn’t fathom walking down the aisle with her neck and upper chest spotted red. That’s not the kind of attention she wanted on her wedding day, and I could certainly sympathize with that concern. However, this was someone who wore a turtleneck or scarf to work every single day of the year as a means of shielding herself. Imagine her standing at the rear of the church, arm in arm with her dad, awaiting that momentous walk down the aisle, thinking to herself, Oh God! This is it! This is the big test! If I blush now, my wedding day is ruined! Don’t blush, don’t blush! Spoiler alert: This tactic would not work out favorably for our blushing bride. Can you see how her insistence on not turning red, and her abject fear that she might, would actually generate the very thing she fears the most? If that’s true, then shifting her attitude about this possibility might be the best remedy.
So what did we do? First we addressed her daily activities. I gradually helped her shift her point of view from “I can’t let my friends and coworkers see me blush” to “I can handle people seeing me blush. I can tolerate feeling embarrassed and even ashamed. I can cope with some people judging me as odd or weird.” Those messages allowed her to experiment with wearing anything but a scarf or turtleneck.
But wait a minute. How could she be sure ahead of time? As she showed up at work in a blouse without a scarf, she didn’t know she could handle people seeing her blush. If she started feeling ashamed that people might be judging her as weird, she didn’t know that she could cope with that intense emotion. Yet if she required certainty, she would stay stuck. So to manage this conundrum, all these messages were within an even higher-level mind-set: “I’m going to act as though I can cope with blushing, with people judging me, and with feeling ashamed.” Now she can step forward into her uncertainty.
Just so you don’t make any false assumptions about my cunning brilliance as a psychologist, this revision of her attitude proved quite difficult. It took about twelve sessions over the course of four months to accomplish. But that is a profound change to shift from “I can’t let myself feel ashamed” to “I’m going to act as though I can tolerate feeling ashamed.”
Near the end of our work together, we developed the following approach. We personified her anxiety and completely turned the tables on it. Instead of only subvocalizing messages of fear, she invited Anxiety to give her precisely what intimidated her. When she stepped into public without covering her neck, she would say, “Gosh, Anxiety, please make me blush right now. I beg of you, please turn my neck bright red. Bring my cheeks up to about 101 degrees to the touch. If you will do that, I’ll be so happy.” (I haven’t introduced that part to you yet. Call it a sneak peek into where we’re headed in the next two chapters.) Once our bride mastered that tactic, she made great strides. By the time her wedding day arrived, she had adopted an entirely new point of view: “I can handle blushing during my wedding ceremony.” Once she took on that attitude, Anxiety could no longer hold her hostage. I don’t really remember whether she blushed on her wedding day. In the end, it doesn’t really matter, because it no longer mattered to her.
Practice Trust
Here is my advice to you: Don’t wait until you are certain that this approach will work for you. Take actions now, while you are feeling doubtful, scared, and insecure about my suggestions. Take actions because you understand the principles behind them. Take actions because you see the logic in them. Don’t wait until you trust that this approach will work for you.
Why act before you have confidence? Because Anxiety won’t let you feel confident about the outcome. If you wait for total assurance, you will be waiting a very long time. Anxiety’s ploy is to convince you that you must be certain of the outcome before you step forward, and then it won’t allow you to feel that level of confidence. So what happens? You step back rather than step forward. Anxiety gives you an intolerance of uncertainty and an urge to know that everything is going to turn out as planned. If you want to work your way free of Anxiety’s dominance, you are going to have moments when you feel as though you are flying on a trapeze without a safety net. But you have to do it anyway. You have to take a courageous leap of faith so you can experiment with these new ideas.
Don’t wait until you are certain that
this approach will work for you. Take actions now,
while you are feeling doubtful, scared, and
insecure about my suggestions.
Of course, you need to decide for yourself that the benefits of pushing through uncertainty and distress outweigh the risks. That’s why in Chapter 21 we will clarify your goals for the future. Those objectives—whether it’s a career change, more travel, more education, or simply getting your mind back so you can focus on the things you want out of life—need to be bigger than your fear of Anxiety.
Go have experiences to reinforce the belief that you can get stronger. You must face a challenge, feel insecure, choose to act as though you can handle it, and then step toward the challenge. You have to discover what happens as opposed to knowing ahead of time exactly what will happen. You will need to talk to yourself, and even though it may be a brief message, it should represent this decision: “I’m going to act as though this is the right action to take. I’m going to act as though I have enough skills to handle this. And I’ll get through whatever happens.” Then you need to act. You can adopt confidence only after you learn the lessons of repeated actions.
When you turn your car keys over to your seventeen-year-old daughter, who is taking her first weekend trip entirely on her own, you act as though she will keep herself safe. If you wait until you are certain she will act safely . . . well, you simply can’t, or you will never let her grow up and have her own independent life. Trust is acting as though she has learned all the important lessons you have imparted to her, without knowing for certain she has. In this same way you must learn to trust yourself.
Of course some part of you is going to resist unpleasantness, difficulties, and threatening moments. Again, it’s human nature. It’s built into our subconscious to safeguard us. But you can choose not to let that part of you be the executive at the moment of action. Instead, summon the side of you that chooses to push into difficulties and not struggle against them. If you are willing to experiment with this new perspective and allow it to guide your actions, you make yourself available for that glorious “Aha!” moment. Whether it comes suddenly or builds over several weeks, here is the possible insight: “Hey! I actually can step forward into threat, and I can handle what happens.”