The differences between men and women have been well recognized since the earliest times. However, there has been a recent tendency, perhaps deriving from feminism and perhaps from the great publicity that sexual matters have had in recent years, for people to assume that women and men are not only equal but actually the same. It’s true that many jobs are equally well done by both, and that some of the reasons that men have been better paid and promoted in their employment are to do with men’s natural competitiveness, combined with an inbuilt historical unfairness in society. However, the differences between the genders are very clear and well known, and these have made it difficult at times for men and women to understand each other.
It’s now accepted that there are some brain differences between men and women, and this is partly in the way that each gender uses the right and left halves of the brain. Women are more ‘left brain’ competent, and manage better in tasks that involve language and communication. Men are more ‘right brain’ competent, and therefore manage better in tasks that require spatial coordination, such as maths, physics and engineering. In fact, whether from nature or from social pressures, most boys aged three will talk to other boys of the same age about cars, guns or computer games: girls of the same age will prefer to talk about their families and friends. Men are good with machines and things generally, while women are better at understanding people and relationships.
In a similar vein, girls and women are good at ‘multi-tasking’, and can keep many goals in mind at the same time without neglecting any of them. Boys and men, on the other hand, will concentrate on the job at hand, and leave other tasks to another time or delegate them to someone else. In this connection, women are usually better at looking after children, and manage to keep a focus on the kids in their charge while at the same time getting on with making meals and doing housework. Men can do all these things, but tend to forget one while concentrating on the other. They tend to want to get the children safely settled so that they can get on with other things.
Men are likely to be more competitive that women, and when you see two men or boys together they will often be making comparisons between the speed of their cars, the amount they earn, their achievements in sport or the size of their houses. This is perhaps related to the way in which in an animal setting males tend to compete for both status and the right to mate with the females in the herd. It is a natural pattern of behaviour, and is probably driven by testosterone. Women and girls, on the other hand, will form cooperative networks and put their ideas together without insisting on taking credit for a particular initiative. Again, in the animal setting, the females in the herd will often collaborate in bringing up the young, especially if the ‘assistant carers’ are related to the mother of the offspring.
These differences come to our attention when there is a relationship between a man and a woman. Early in a relationship, when sexual attraction is high and both partners are idealizing each other and giving each other the benefit of the doubt, there is usually no problem. However, when the relationship is older and the couple are trying to solve difficulties that they encounter in the course of the average day, the differences between the male and female way of doing things comes to the fore. Men like to be focussed, logical and independent in their problem solving, whereas women like to rely more on emotional cues and like to network in their approach to problems. How often do we hear the complaint from the man that ‘we have discussed all this before, so there’s no need to go over it again’, as if the problem has been completely resolved, while the woman says, ‘I know, but I still don’t feel right about it.’ There is no easy answer to this dilemma, and many couples have to deal with it by agreeing to differ or by going along with the more dominant partner’s ideas. The bottom line is that for women the most important issues are often to understand the problem and each other, to be heard and to be taken seriously, while for the man it is more urgent to solve the problem and learn from doing so how to solve similar problems in the future.
John Gray, in his entertaining but also quite serious book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, makes an important point about the differences between men and women with respect to their relationship difficulties. Not only do they speak ‘different languages’ but they respond differently to the crises in their relationships. Men, he says, retire to their caves, withdraw and think out the problems and then come back with a solution (or without a solution). Women like to talk it over, and can’t understand when their male partners don’t seem to want to do this. Misunderstandings arise between men and women when they fail to realize that the partner doesn’t react as they themselves would react. The man may feel that he has done all that is necessary to be appreciated, and can’t understand why the woman is being illogical in this way. The woman may feel that her partner is failing to understand that she has times (perhaps hormonally determined) when everything seems wrong, and that all she needs is to be given time and sympathy. We will return to Gray’s ideas in later chapters of the book.
The desire to be involved in sexual activity is a strong one throughout the animal kingdom. In most species it is the male who initiates sexual activity, and this happens largely through the influence of testosterone. Juvenile males in animal herds whose testosterone is low may have a curiosity about sex, but usually do not try to mate with the females, and the same is true of males who have been castrated and thus lost their main source of testosterone. What is true of male animals applies more or less equally to human males, in that in younger boys there is a strong interest in things sexual, which doesn’t usually result in sexual approaches as such. However, there is in most mature human males a biologically driven sexual urge, which causes the wish for sex to happen at roughly equal intervals.
In females the drive is much more variable. In many animal species, the female is unresponsive to sexual activity most of the time, but highly responsive at the time of oestrus, when the ovaries produce their eggs and the female is fertile. In humans this does not happen, and the mature human female is potentially responsive most of the time. However, this responsiveness varies with the circumstances, for example being more active if she is in a rewarding relationship. In addition there is the hormonal cycle in women, which happens on a monthly basis throughout the reproductive years, except in pregnancy and the time just after childbirth. In many women there is a time of increased interest in sex on a monthly basis, but this varies: in some it is just after the end of the menstrual period, in others just before menstruation, and in others there is no preferred time for sex. There is then the menopause, a rather sharp cut-off point for the menstrual cycle, which is associated with a reduction in natural vaginal secretions. However, there is no uniform change in sexuality at this time, and many post-menopausal women are as interested in sex as before.
All this means that men and women have rather different attitudes to sex and different sex drives. For men there is a biological ‘clock’ that tells them that it’s time they had another sexual experience. For most women, however, their sexual interest is much greater when they are in a satisfying relationship, and if there is no partner, they can go for a long time without wanting sex. This is not universally true, but it seems to apply to the great majority of both men and women. For about one man in ten, however, the sexual drive is more like a woman’s, more person-related than time-related. Similarly, perhaps one in ten women have a biologically driven sexual urge like that of men.
It will be clear from the above discussion that men are interested in initiating sex when their drive is high. Women are not generally keen to initiate sex (although in some women the desire is in the male pattern), but most women are ready to be aroused if the circumstances are right. A woman’s sexual drive, as confirmed by recent research, is more in the nature of being ready to be aroused rather than having a proactive desire to initiate the sexual act. This is something that men find very hard to understand, since they tend unrealistically to expect to see a male pattern of sexual interest, and a similar wish to initiate, in their female partners.
This difference causes some problems in relationships in which one partner expects the other to have a sexual drive exactly like their own. A man with a strong time-orientated biological sex drive may find it very hard to understand why his woman partner doesn’t feel like sex at the same time as he does. There may be all sorts of reasons for this, such as pressure of responsibilities or resentment of him, but the man would often feel that, whatever the difficulties, a good sexual experience would help to solve them. The woman might give in and have sex because he wants it, but this might then store up greater problems for the future, when sex becomes the main focus for disagreements between them. A simple summary of the differences between men and women could be that men come to a good relationship through sex, whereas women come to sex through a good relationship.
Differences are found too in the emphasis on the sexual experience itself. For men this is usually a penis-driven event, with the most important part of it being the quality of the physical relationship, a good erection, a good orgasm for both partners and mutual satisfaction. For women this is partly true, but in many cases the most important part of the experience is the emotional response of both partners, and sex is valued because it increases their closeness and understanding and strengthens the relationship.
In the same way, the man in a sexual relationship needs to feel confident in order to have an erection, while a woman needs to feel a sense of trust in the partner to relax into the situation. Most men tend to find it hard to understand their female partner’s attitude to sex, just as they find it hard to communicate with her in non-sexual areas. Women know more about men’s attitudes, because men are more ‘up front’ about sex and sexual drives, but again women will often reject some of the more crude and obvious approaches.
There are obviously fewer such misunderstandings in same-sex relationships, and the partners are usually more in tune on sexual matters. However, I have seen a number of both gay and lesbian couples where the frequency of sex was a big issue, and one partner was much more insistent on sex than the other. The same-sex relationship therefore does not provide a panacea, but by and large these sexual misunderstandings are less severe in same-sex relationships.
I will be discussing in Chapter 7 how to deal with the misunderstandings created by this situation, and how men and women can live more comfortably with the differences between them.
Sexual arousal is not the same thing as sexual drive, although it is unusual to have arousal without drive. In men, sexual arousal is based on the erection of the penis. This is usually quite obvious to men, and may lead to a strong desire for sexual release. In women, sexual arousal is felt as wetness in the vagina, with some enlargement of the clitoris and a general feeling of increased bodily sensitivity to touch. It is therefore less obvious to her, and also to her partner, that she is aroused, whereas arousal is very obvious in the male. In good sexual interaction, the arousal of one partner is a stimulus for the other to get aroused; but where there are misunderstandings, the man may assume that his partner is feeling exactly the same way as he is, and he may ‘jump the gun’ and start the sexual interaction prematurely.
It is not unusual to encounter problems in sexual communication between partners. The woman may say that she is ready for sex, meaning that she is emotionally turned on by the situation but not yet aroused, while the man may take this as a signal to go ahead with sex. If they are to have a mutually satisfying sexual experience, it is necessary for the woman to let her partner know how ‘turned on’ she is sexually, and if it is not clear he should make the effort to find out. It is in this kind of situation that it is very important for communication to be clear and understood by both partners.
In men orgasm is accompanied by ejaculation, as well as a sense of extreme pleasure, and it is a very obvious event. Women have a very similar muscular response, involving about eight to ten contractions of the vaginal muscles, and a very similar feeling of pleasure, but without an ejaculation as such, although some experts still maintain that some women can ejaculate fluid at the time of orgasm (by stimulation of the ‘G’ spot). The major difference, however, is in the ‘refractory period’. In men this is a time following orgasm when they are completely unable to be aroused sexually: in young men it may last about 30 minutes, in older men up to 12 hours. Women do not have this refractory period, and many women are able to go on to have multiple orgasms if the sexual stimulation continues for long enough. In a way, this equalizes the sexual experience, with men having the stronger desire for it, while women can have a more intense experience.
The problems caused by the differences between male and female sexual drives and arousal are most acute in the situation where sex might or might not happen. Much is made in romantic fiction, and even more in sexually explicit fiction, about the moment when a couple realize that they both seem to want sex at the same time. This idea of spontaneity is taken up by the readers and seems to have taken over as the ideal of how sex should be. Couples who have what to them had previously seemed to be a quite satisfactory sex life, become worried because they read in the media about spontaneous passion and the satisfaction it brings, and if they don’t experience it they think that there is something wrong with their own sex lives. The situation is made worse by the emphasis in the media on simultaneous orgasm. Couples, and more especially the man, become upset because they are not having mutual, simultaneous orgasms. Again, they wrongly assume that they are missing out on something that almost everyone else is experiencing, and they can blame either their own ‘inadequate technique’ or their partner’s lack of response. In reality, it is probably a minority of couples who have mutually spontaneous sex and regular simultaneous orgasms.
From what I was saying above, it should be clear that expectations of what should happen in a sexual experience are both important to the individuals and quite problematic. The man’s insistence on the central importance of sexual intercourse is not always accepted by the woman, but she may not be able to say this openly for many reasons. Firstly the man may take offence because he feels that his sexual ability is being questioned, and part of his self-esteem may be based on his perception that he is a good lover. Then the woman, at least in the early stages of the relationship, may be afraid that unless she is enthusiastic about sex she may lose her partner. Even when the sexual side is going well, there is usually a time when one or the other partner goes off it for a time, and they may feel that this is disastrous, and that it threatens the relationship. This may be more of a problem for young couples, where neither partner is experienced, and their ideas of what sex should be like are taken from books, television or their friends’ (often boastful) accounts.
Here the problem is still to do with expectations, but the expectations may be different from those in the early part of the relationship. The couple may have lost the first flush of passion and be settling down to a more steady sexual pattern. They don’t have the same unrealistic ideas that often characterize the early relationship. There is now some understanding on both sides of the other’s needs. However, other factors may come in to affect the sexual side, and sex may have to be fitted in with work patterns, sport, children’s homework, house cleaning and bedtime routines. Ideally this leads to a regular but varied pattern of sexual interaction, which is accepted by both partners, and this may be punctuated by unusually good experiences after a night out or on vacation. However, in some couples where the issue has not been discussed, there may be serious misunderstandings and arguments.
When sexual difficulties arise in couples, it is usually helpful to discuss the problem, and often a clearer understanding of the other person’s point of view will solve it. However, this discussion should not be overdone, and sometimes to spend hours discussing ‘us and our problems’ becomes a problem in itself. The more some couples discuss it the more it seems to take over their lives, and a secondary sexual ‘problem’ is created which is even more difficult to solve. As ever, the solution is one of compromise, and the couple may have to leave the discussion and just act instinctively, rather than try to find a definitive solution. Further advice will be found in Chapter 7, which covers the management of sexual problems in couples.
The new couple will sooner or later find their own balance in the area of sexual adjustment. The concept of ‘good enough sex’ is one that has not been used much outside my own clinic, but the phrase ‘good enough parents’ is widely used in family therapy in trying to help parents to be more relaxed in bringing up their children. This helps them to get away from the anxieties about being inadequate in their parenting, and emphasizes the fact that there is probably no such thing as ideal parents, but most parents do a fairly good job. The same concept could be applied to the sexual relationship that couples build up. ‘Good enough sex’ is something that most couples experience, and if sex is not a great problem for them it is probably not worth worrying about.
This ‘good enough’ question is particularly important in the area of orgasm. Sometimes the man is so keen that his partner should achieve a good orgasm, ideally at the same time that he himself does, that it can become an area of conflict for the couple. Many women find it difficult to achieve orgasm, and some need extra stimulation, perhaps using a vibrator, to do so. In fact, many women are quite satisfied with non-orgasmic sex, and value the closeness and the emotional intimacy that it brings, without worrying about a climax. The man, however, may have the expectation that all women should experience a simultaneous orgasm with their male partner, and that if this doesn’t happen there must be something wrong either with her or with his technique. The couple should be encouraged to settle for either a non-orgasmic but satisfactory sexual relationship, or for the woman experiencing orgasm in some other way, for example with manual stimulation or a vibrator.
Most people in a sexual relationship have had earlier experiences which are relevant. These may be actual sexual events, they may simply involve talking or reading about sex, or they may be non-sexual experiences which bear on the sexual life of the couple, such as one partner suffering a humiliation or a disappointment in the past.
This often has a profound influence on the person, and it may lead to a lifelong fear of sex or, alternatively, a lifelong addiction to it. Sex will hopefully be with consent, and should then not lead to any adverse consequences. However, it is very unusual for the first sexual experience to be completely trouble-free; there may be pain for the woman, and often the man will ejaculate prematurely. If the couple then go on to develop a regular sex life, these problems will usually quickly resolve themselves. Sometimes, however, there may be a rejection by one of the partners following this event, and the rejected partner may develop a fear around sex in the future.
More severe problems can arise following a first sexual experience which is non-consensual, for example when force is used, maybe amounting to a rape. Here the woman may develop a true post-traumatic stress reaction, and this can cloud her sexual life for many years to come. Even worse is the situation where the experience is in the form of sexual abuse of an underage partner, whether male or female. The abuse victim may not even realize at first that anything wrong is happening, but soon the realization will dawn, and usually the experience is emotionally traumatizing from the beginning. It is for some victims (but not all) impossible to overcome the inhibitions and fears that follow a traumatic sexual experience without professional help; this may be necessary not only for the victim but also for their partner, who is sometimes described as the ‘second victim’. Therapy is not easy in this situation, but results tend to be better, in cases where the survivor is in an ongoing relationship, if there is a combination of individual therapy for the victim and couple therapy for both partners.
Most people, however, are not in their first sexual relationship, and there may be many memories and regrets, even nostalgia, relating to earlier partnerships, perhaps when the person was a teenager. There is often a feeling that the present relationship is not as good as the earlier one, and this may lead to tension and quarrels over apparently unconnected issues.
Some people, particularly men, may have things that turn them on sexually other than having sex with another person. It may be more exciting for such people to cross dress, to wear leather, to be beaten or to do other things as part of their sexual arousal routine. This is usually more of a problem for the partner than for the man himself. When the needs have not been disclosed in the early part of the relationship, it is often a cause for a serious reconsideration of the commitment of the woman to the man. He may very well wish that she would simply accept him as he is with his special needs, but she might find herself turning off her partner, and she may ask him to give it up for her sake.
If a good relationship exists apart from the special needs, it may be possible to negotiate some sort of compromise between them, for example to use the leather gear during sex on some occasions and to have normal intercourse on others. However, in many cases the problem is insoluble, and the couple end up separating.
Sometimes a relationship begins with a very strong sexual attraction and the couple want this to continue indefinitely. However, the sexual urge and sexual satisfaction are not always able to be guaranteed in the longer term, and the couple may be disappointed that, after some time, their sexual life is not as exciting or satisfying as before. One answer to this problem is to try to re-establish the exciting sexual life that has been lost, and with help from a therapist this is often possible. However, it may be more sensible to rethink the priorities within the relationship, and to build a better general relationship together, including non-sexual joint interests, without relying on the ‘glue’ of sexuality to keep it together.
In some ways sex can be seen as a continuation of the general relationship in a different mode. The way partners interact in bed will often be similar to the way they interact in their life together. So a man who is quite dominant in general will often be dominant in the same way in the sexual setting. A woman who likes to be looked after and prefers to avoid conflict would be expected to be somewhat similar in bed. This is fine as long as it suits both partners and does not cause conflict. However, the conflicts which a couple have in their general life together will often resurface in the sexual situation, and competitiveness in the bedroom may prevent sex or make it very problematic. In trying to resolve the sexual problem it is usually helpful to look at your general relationship, and improvements in that can be reflected in the bedroom.
Many couples have quite a stressful life together, and this may be reflected in their sexual life. It is well known that stress of any sort can interfere with sexual function, causing loss of erection and lack of arousal. However, this is multiplied when the main cause of stress is the relationship with the sexual partner him/herself. One of the commonest causes of sexual difficulties is the continuation of arguments into the bedroom, or one partner continuing to feel resentful of the other when trying to have sex together.
On the other side of the coin, there are couples who have had a very good relationship until a sexual problem arises, perhaps through a physical illness or an outside stress. Here the presence of the sexual problem leads to a worsening of the general relationship, and the couple spend their time arguing about sex, including the question as to why it isn’t happening, whose fault it is, or how to put the situation right.
Sometimes, however, the couple have found that having an argument can be helpful to their sex life. They kiss and make up after it, and then go on to have good sex. This may be a good way to enhance their sex life, but the problem is that the arguments may spiral out of control, and they then lead to either physical fights or prolonged resentments which then prevent sex from happening. It is a high risk situation, which some couples can handle for long periods, but there is always the chance that the arguments may become intractable and lead to serious violence, and ultimately divorce (see Chapters 7 and 9).
There are other couples who have a very good general relationship, sharing the same ideals and politics, working together to run the house or the family, who never seem to find time or motivation for sex. They are good team players, but don’t seem to have the passion to get together sexually. It is often difficult to break out of this bind in a marriage, and they may have to accept that sex is not a high priority for them, or change the way they treat each other.
I have often heard from couples who have a poor sexual relationship that they have developed a routine in which they don’t go to bed at the same time, or that one partner is asleep when the other gets to bed. You may think that this is because one or both of them wants to avoid sex, but it may also arise from circumstances such as one partner needing to get up early. It is always worth considering a change in the routine, not necessarily every night, in order to leave the possibility for sex to happen.
Another practical difficulty is the inability to ‘close the bedroom door’. One or both partners are concerned about the welfare of their children, and find it difficult to stop listening for them in order to devote themselves to sex. It often takes a full discussion of the issues between the partners to make it possible to exclude the children physically from the bedroom during sexual activities, or to stop one or both partners worrying about them during sex. The same problem sometimes occurs in relation to other relatives or friends staying in the house, and some couples have even had the problem with dogs monopolizing the bedroom and seeming by their presence to prevent sex between the partners.
In the same practical area there are sometimes difficulties with how to share a bed. One partner may be prone to move over to the other’s side of the bed, or they may fight over the control of the sheets and blankets. The double bed is a good model for the sharing of territory in a relationship, and the struggles which can take place will often reflect other areas of conflict in the non-sexual life of the couple.
Sometimes a couple who have been together for many years feel that they know each other so well that there is no need for much communication about the relationship. This can lead to difficulties when something happens, such as one partner getting another job, one of the children developing an illness or outside stresses such as difficult neighbours. The same kind of problem may result from one of the transitions in the ‘family life-cycle’ (see Chapter 1). The couple may not discuss their mutual concerns, but the problem may show itself in a weakening of their sexual life, and they may then drift into a state of increasing isolation from each other. In many of these couples a simple discussion will increase their mutual understanding, and may help them with the sexual problem.
The significance of sex within a partnership may differ greatly. For some it is a means of getting emotionally close, an expression of their love for each other. For others it is more of a recreation, some fun that they can have together. This is less important if both partners are of the same mind, but in some couples there is a conflict about the significance of sex, as to whether it expresses feelings of love or simply satisfies desires.
An example of the difference in attitude to sex is illustrated by the case of Robert (48) and Fiona (45). He was a company director who had moved from a very active role as chief executive officer to a more advisory one as chairman, and she was running a small business. Their children were all over 20 and more or less away from home. He had been upset by her lack of interest in sex, and was almost ready to believe that she could be unfaithful. The real problem was caused by their different attitudes to the sexual relationship. To her it was a form of indoor recreation, which was the ‘icing on the cake’ of an otherwise good relationship. To him it was an expression of their deep love for each other, and the fact that she could take it so lightly upset him greatly. In therapy they realized their problem and she was able to take the situation more seriously, while he helped her by donating some money, in her exclusive control, to help her with the business (a sign of his increased trust in her). They ended with a more satisfactory sex life and a more peaceful relationship.
In many younger couples there is tension between the partners when sex has not happened for some days or weeks, and this may be expressed by the man getting irritable. When sex takes place, the man’s irritability will often decrease, and if this is the main cause of conflict, then conflict will also be reduced after sex.
Some men, particularly those who have a higher sexual drive than their partner, will assume that being kind or generous to the partner (bringing chocolates or roses) will make her more interested in sex. This does not always work, particularly because the ways he chooses to be generous do not mean very much to her. For example, a man may buy his wife expensive presents in the hope that she will find his advances more acceptable, and not realize that what she really wants is more discussion and more help with the children. Her motivation for sex may be increased if he begins to take her worries seriously, gives her practical help and psychological support, and treats her more like a real partner than a sex object.
It is usually helpful to talk about the sexual side of the relationship if there seem to be difficulties (see above). Certainly it is better to talk about the problem than not talk about it. If something like this becomes a silent area in the communication, there is usually an increase in the severity of the problem.
In talking about it, the rules of good communication should be used. Rather than emphasizing the complaints it is better to centre on the ways that the situation might be improved (see Chapter 5). So, if the woman feels that the man is not giving her the things that she needs, it is better for her to ask for them specifically rather than complaining that he doesn’t understand her. The requests, from either partner, should be detailed and specific, and quite clear to the person who is receiving them. So, to say ‘I want you to be more loving’ is not an ideal request, whereas ‘I would like us to hug and kiss like we used to do’ helps the partner to know what is needed.
It is quite difficult for many couples to talk about the sexual area, and it may require some skill and confidence to raise it. Most individuals are quite sensitive about their sexual attractiveness, and about their level of knowledge or technique, and it is a difficult feat to raise the topic with a partner when there are problems. Perhaps it is safer to compliment the partner when it goes well, rather than to criticize when it goes badly, and after the compliments to say what might improve the experience next time. Some couples have managed to communicate about it non-verbally, for example by taking the other person’s hand during intimate moments and putting it where it feels better. Alternatively, the couple can develop a way of signalling non-verbally, by squeezes or caresses, when they like something, and by pulling away a little if something is not so welcome.
If it becomes clear that they cannot communicate without either irritability or misunderstandings, the couple may decide that it is necessary to consult a sexual therapist or counsellor. These professionals will help them to communicate without misunderstandings, and respect the sensitivity that both partners have about the sexual areas.
Whether they do it alone or with the help of the professionals, most couples can be helped by using an approach which I will be covering in Chapter 7. This is based partly on the teachings of the pioneers of sex therapy, Masters and Johnson, but also utilizes the principles of communication and negotiation that I will be describing in Chapter 5. The basis of it is the return to a kind of prolonged foreplay (sensate focus), which helps the couple to become comfortable with each other’s bodies while not feeling under pressure to perform sexually. It can be enhanced by learning a new and more positive way of communicating about sex, and by understanding the differences between individuals’ responses both in sex and in the general relationship.
• Men and women are different in terms of brain function, psychology, language use and coping abilities.
• There are also differences in sexual drive, sexual responsiveness, sexual arousal and orgasm.
• Men are testosterone driven, women more aroused by relationship factors and emotions.
• Sexual communication is not easy, with misunderstandings on both sides.
• Expectations can be unrealistic, especially on the male side.
• Earlier experiences, especially traumatic ones, can affect the individual’s sexual response.
• Sexual and non-sexual parts of the relationship can influence each other.
• Talking about the sexual side can help: but it should not be too prolonged or intense.
• Non-verbal communication can often be more helpful.
• Professional help may be needed in more difficult situations.