Much is written about domestic violence, and often it is seen as criminal behaviour which is simply the result of one person’s violent temperament, and unconnected with the relationship between the two people involved. In fact, the position is more complicated than that, and there are many possible factors leading to fights and beatings within the relationship. Each case of domestic violence is unique, with a mix of factors leading to the violent events. These may include:
• The traditional view that men, as the dominant partners, have the right to chastise their wives (perhaps more common in those from Asian and African countries – see Chapter 1)
• An inbuilt tendency of men to be violent
• Some men’s dominating and sadistic personality
• The social isolation of the couple, leading to the man ‘getting away’ with violence, or
• An escalation of ‘normal’ conflict between partners (perhaps fuelled by alcohol) leading to violence.
In many discussions of domestic violence, the conclusion is reached that the only way to help is to remove the woman and her children from the abusive male partner. There is indeed good reason in many cases to protect the partner who has become the victim. It is always right for her (since it is usually the woman who is in the position of having to ask for help in a violent situation) to have the possibility to find refuge if necessary. However, unless you are in a situation where the man is using violence in a sadistic way to control his female partner, it is always worth thinking of the violence as an accidental outcome of the struggle between the two partners, and therefore trying to tackle it by helping the couple to live together more peacefully and safely.
Violence between partners is very common, and it is only a small minority of incidents that come to public knowledge. In many cases the violence is relatively minor, and it gets passed over as a ‘blip’ in an otherwise satisfactory relationship. On the other hand, among couples coming to therapy or counselling, there is a high level of violence reported – up to 30% of couples in one study. The usual trigger is an argument between the partners, and usually there is an escalation of conflict, involving firstly an ordinary argument, then raised voices with name calling, and finally the physical fight. This may involve pushing, shoving and slapping, or damage to objects, and only rarely would it escalate to punching or kicking.
Research has shown that women are just as likely to begin a physical conflict as men, and that they participate equally in the more minor activities such as pushing. It is not only in heterosexual relationships that violence occurs; there is some quite serious violence in same-sex relationships too. Indeed, in gay male relationships there can be a dangerous escalation of violence which can lead to serious injuries. However, in heterosexual relationships men are usually physically stronger than women, and more used to fighting, so that if it comes to a serious fight between the two, the man usually inflicts more damage. In the worst cases this can result in serious injury, and in a significant number of cases it results in death.
There is another factor which affects the situation, and that is that, as I mentioned in Chapter 3, women have verbal skills which are not always matched by their male partner. If the conflict were to remain only at the verbal level, it is probable that the woman would usually ‘win’, and the man would be reduced to agreeing with her opinions all the time. Many men, however, feel humiliated by a situation in which their partners end by having the last word and getting their way in everything. They have the ‘ultimate weapon’ of being physically stronger, and may be tempted to use this if they seem to be losing out in the power struggle.
A further factor in the situation is the use of alcohol. This applies mainly to men, and in one study it was shown that men who were violent in their relationships were more likely to be drinking after work, drinking at home in the evenings, drinking while looking after the children and drinking during recreational activities, compared with men who were non-violent. There is no doubt that alcohol reduces inhibitions, which can of course be a good thing at a convivial social gathering, but problems arise from its use when a couple have problems with domestic violence.
There is another, more insidious, factor in the causes of violence, and this is the fact that a couple may have a better and more fulfilling sexual experience after a fight. It probably has something to do with the fact that in the fight they are emotionally aroused, with physical contact too, and this acts for them as a kind of foreplay. The problem is that they may become addicted to it, and feel that it is the only good way to prepare for a satisfactory sexual experience. It can sometimes be romanticized as a legitimate kind of intimacy, and people feel that to ‘kiss and make up’ after a fight is a good way to manage a relationship.
Case example
Eustace (41) and Elly (39) had been together for 4 years. Both had unconventional backgrounds, he describing himself as a ‘down-and-out singer’ and she having travelled widely and worked in various careers. She had two boys from an earlier relationship, aged 15 and 11. They lived together in Elly’s house, and the couple’s relationship was passionate and sexual, but sometimes violent. In fact, many of the arguments began with Eustace trying to discipline the boys, and Elly trying to restrain him. Their arguments would also often escalate to name calling and threats to separate, and these could also end with a physical fight. Elly had needed to be taken to A&E twice with a suspected fracture of the arm. The couple were able in therapy to take joint responsibility for their arguments, to soften their voice tone during arguments and to avoid violence by speaking more slowly and going to different rooms if an argument seemed to be getting out of hand. They also came to a better understanding of how to discuss discipline for the boys before taking unilateral action.
In some couples the violence can be very frequent. Women are more often the victims of the severe attacks, and there may be many incidents of bruising, visits to accident and emergency departments, and a significant fear of serious injury or death before they decide to do anything about it. Why do so many women put up with violence? Probably it has to do with the sincerity of their reconciliations after the incidents, and the love that they still feel for their partner in spite of the attacks. It may sometimes also be a question of fear of their partner stalking them if they do separate. For many women in this situation, the continuation of their relationship seems to be more important to them than their own personal safety. The male partners, on the other hand, do not see the violence as a major problem. They may sometimes blame their partner for the problem, citing ‘provocation’. They may also feel that the degree of violence has been exaggerated by their partner, and they will often have an unrealistic hope that they can keep the problem under control.
Children may become involved in the fights either as victims or in attempting to come between their fighting parents. It is not unusual for children to be injured in the process, sometimes directly by one or other parent, or more likely accidentally when an object is thrown. This may make it more obvious to the parents that something needs to be done about the problem, but it may take some time, and there may be several injuries to a child before they take action to reduce the violence. It is also well known that children who are brought up in a violent household are more likely to resort to violence themselves when in an adult relationship.
There is usually a whole sequence of events leading to a violent episode, and the sequence can be interrupted at any point. The stages may be:
• a difference of opinion
• an argument
• provocation
• raised voices
• name calling
• pushing
• throwing objects
• hitting
• leading to a risk of more serious injury.
It is best to try to interrupt this sequence in the earlier stages, so that the risk of violence is less. The suggestions here therefore focus on tackling it at the beginning of the process, and we will begin at the point of first contact.
When you resort to violence it is never someone else’s responsibility. I have many times heard the words ‘She drove me to it by her shouting’, or ‘I was only trying to restrain her’. These excuses can never justify violence, and if an argument is getting dangerous you should always leave the area, perhaps immediately going out of the house or to a different room.
This may seem like a ‘killjoy’ piece of advice, but the dangers of alcohol in provoking violence are well established, and if you have had violent episodes in the past it may be that alcohol is just too risky for you when you are together. This includes of course drinking when you are on your way home, and includes both partners, because the partner who becomes the victim of violence may be disinhibited by alcohol as much as the perpetrator. Unfortunately, I also have to add the caution that drinking a small ‘agreed’ amount of alcohol is not a good idea, because of the notorious problem that one drink leads to another. So, no alcohol is the only safe option (see Chapter 8).
This takes us right back to the exercises I recommended in Chapter 5. It is vital before you start negotiating to ‘call a truce’, as described there. This means no arguing and no violence for the duration of your discussions. As I suggested in Chapter 5, you should sit down together and put a timer on. You should then state the complaints that you have, convert them into requests for the other person to do things differently, set tasks for each other on a more-or-less equal basis, and then try to put the new regime into action over the next period of time. You should then move away from each other at the end of the time for a few minutes apart, before getting on with your daily routine. The process of negotiation is not guaranteed to prevent violence, but may over a few weeks create a more peaceful atmosphere. There may be a problem with keeping the peace while you are negotiating, and you may then use some of the methods for avoiding violence explained later in this chapter, or you may ask a trusted friend or relative to be with you in the negotiating sessions to keep the peace.
Again referring back to Chapter 5, you can learn to communicate more effectively. The most important thing to control is the way you address each other. You are probably in the habit of speaking quite quickly and quite loudly, and in the communication exercise I would ask you to speak more slowly, to use a quiet tone of voice and to make sure that you give plenty of time for the other person to reply before you start again. As I said in Chapter 5, the only person you can really change is yourself, and if you want the other partner to change it will be most effectively achieved by you making a change first. Rather than accusing them of speaking too loudly you should lower your own voice and try to help them to do so by example. Rather than saying to them that they are interrupting you, try to make sure to leave gaps in what you yourself are saying and reply slowly and carefully to what they say. Make sure that you look at your partner when they are speaking, and if possible when you are speaking to them. Try to be aware of when you are being provocative: sometimes you can say the same things in a much quieter and more peaceful way without changing the sense.
If it is difficult to slow down your discussion together, you could try holding a pillow while you speak and passing it over to your partner when they are speaking. The ‘rule’ would be that the person holding the pillow is the only one who can speak, and the other person is not allowed to take it from them. However, you will probably also need to make a further rule that no one speaks for more than 30 seconds without handing over the pillow.
As in Chapter 5, you should if possible always start your sentences with ‘I’ rather than ‘you’. You should also try to make it possible for your partner to take up what you are saying in a constructive way. For example, rather than saying ‘You are always aggressive to me’, you could say ‘I really like it when you are gentle and loving, and I hope you will be that way more often.’ In a similar way, you should try to end on a positive note. For example, rather than saying ‘You have been a bit better this week, but why couldn’t you have done this earlier’, you could try saying ‘I’ve waited quite a long time for this, but it’s good that you have been a bit better this week.’ You will find that your partner will respond more positively to the second form of words, because the positive bit, instead of being put first, was said at the end.
Going now to Chapter 6, you can use the ‘arguments’ exercise, although I would not suggest that you deliberately start arguments. I am using the exercise as a way of settling the arguments that arise spontaneously. You will certainly get into arguments in these communication sessions, even if you are trying to avoid them, and it will help if you can use some strategies for settling the arguments.
• The first rule is never to let the argument become so fierce that you begin to resort to violence. If there is a danger of this, you should stop right away and move into different rooms.
• If the argument is becoming childish, such as a ‘yes it is’, ‘no it isn’t’ type of argument, you might try to retrieve the situation by stopping, returning to the beginning and starting again. The difficulty is, however, that you may already have resorted to name calling, and that is the stage before pushing and shoving.
• If pushing and shoving happens, you should treat the situation seriously, stop the discussion and move to separate rooms.
Ideally, as I said in Chapter 6, an argument should have no winners or losers, and if you cannot agree on the issues you are discussing, you should try to ‘agree to differ’, in other words to accept that you have differing opinions and respect each other’s right to disagree. This means that the argument has not been solved, but you may then decide to get some more information before the next discussion, to think about your position and maybe soften it, or to come around to your partner’s point of view. In the calm of a break from argument, it is sometimes easier to move from an entrenched position and compromise.
If you have already got into a violent confrontation, even if it is only one of you who is being violent, you have both got a number of tactics you can use to reduce the violence.
• You can deliberately speak more quietly.
• You can leave a longer time before you reply (‘I need time to think’).
• You can discuss the fact that the violence has begun and that you need to stop it getting any worse.
• You can move away from each other physically, either to somewhere further apart in the same room or to different rooms.
• If you feel very angry and want to say something negative, try counting up to 20 before you speak (and then say it more gently).
• Whatever happens, if there are children in the house you should keep them away from the violent confrontation.
• The more violent partner (usually the man) may seek anger management therapy, which gives him techniques to avoid his uncontrollable rages (see the ‘useful addresses’ section at the end of the book).
• If the worst happens and there is actual violence, one of you should leave the house, preferably the one who has been violent, but if necessary the other one, taking the children with you if necessary.
Many couples who have violent disputes and physical fights have been able to improve their relationship to the point that they can stay together safely by using these fairly simple rules of conduct. The turning point is often when both partners realize that they must cooperate in order to do something about the problem. Instead of fighting over every issue, with one partner having to win, they agree to share the responsibility and the blame for their problems. It has been suggested that they might make a ‘non-violent’ contract, in which both partners agree that they will not resort to violence for a designated period, and this can be extended to longer periods as they manage to live without violence.
In this case the couple must agree to separate. It is not always possible to do this without further disputes. Often a woman who has been violently assaulted may be reluctant to take decisive action against her partner, partly because she is afraid of the consequences (further violence) and partly because she is motivated by love for him, and wants to believe that he can reform. When, however, the woman does agree that separation is imperative, there may be a further problem in getting her partner’s cooperation. In the worst cases the man may refuse to give up his partner and family, even if there is a risk of serious harm or even death if the violence continues. Probably he will refuse to leave the family home himself. He will also resist any attempt by his partner and children to leave, making threats to anyone who tries to protect his partner. In these sorts of situation there is no alternative but to get the help of the police (preferably one of the domestic violence units) or social services, and for the woman to leave home. It may be best, if there is a threat of further violence, to use a women’s refuge, at an address that is kept secret from all except the workers and the women and children involved. This is to prevent the man from turning up there, stalking the partner and threatening her and the children. Information about refuges in the UK can be found through the organization Women’s Aid (see Useful Addresses section).
The use of a refuge is designed as a short-term solution to the problem of the uncooperative man with a history of battering. Usually with the help of legal aid it is possible for the woman to take out an injunction against the man, prohibiting him from coming near her place of residence. However, it often seems to extend into weeks or months before there can be an effective legal framework in place to protect the woman and her children from a violent partner. Thus the refuge remains a very important safeguard for those women who, following a series of episodes in which violence has been used, make the painful decision to separate against their partner’s wishes.
• Domestic violence arises from many sources, including male domination, but in many cases it can be the accidental outcome of an argument.
• It can be dangerous, and sometimes fatal.
• Factors that make it more likely are alcohol, an insistence on winning arguments and the excitement that it provides.
• Women sometimes tolerate extreme violence out of love, loyalty or fear of their partners.
• Suggestions are made in this chapter as to how to interrupt the ‘escalation’ process between a simple argument and severe violence.
• Advice is given on negotiation, communication and the avoidance of alcohol.
• Solving arguments in a friendly way by ‘agreeing to differ’ can reduce violence.
• If you really have to separate, it may be necessary to use a women’s refuge.