As I pointed out in Chapter 1, the divorce rate in most of the Western world has reached a very high level, and shows no sign of decreasing. This is not a disaster in itself, because many marriages involve painful levels of conflict, and for many, including the children involved, the most humane solution is divorce. Indeed, not all relationships can, or should, last ‘till death us do part’. But when divorce happens there are severe consequences for the individuals involved, both adults and children. A divorce is like a bereavement, and in some cases it feels worse than a bereavement through death, because your ex-partner is still around but doesn’t want you. It leaves the ex-partners more vulnerable to various diseases, including cancer, heart disease and alcoholism. The general opinion among researchers is that divorced men are probably more at risk of physical illness than divorced women in the aftermath of the split, although divorced women are more likely to suffer from depression. Children of divorced parents are also more likely to be disadvantaged educationally and in their psychological adjustment than those whose parents are together. Added to this are the statistics that show that second marriages are, if anything, less stable than first marriages, and more likely to end in divorce. Thus the idea of ‘getting it right the second time’ is not as realistic as it might seem to the divorcing couple.
It follows that it would be preferable, as far as possible, to avoid the risk of a relationship ending, especially if there are children involved. However, this does not mean that a marriage must be kept from breaking up at all costs, and there are certainly some couples who are much better off apart than together. The message from the earlier chapters in this book is that there are many different ways of improving a relationship, and that if they can be deployed then maybe some divorces can be postponed or prevented. Examples are the planned and timed discussions mentioned in Chapter 5, the trivial arguments and timetables from Chapter 6, and the ways of negotiating the differences between you on sexual issues as outlined in Chapter 7.
In my opinion divorce should be seen as a last resort, when all else has failed. This is partly because the stability of marriage (or similar relationships) is worth maintaining if it can be achieved, and partly because the aftermath of divorce is difficult and complicated both for the couple and for any children involved. One way of moving away from the inevitability of a divorce is to consider whether the personal issues that are driving you towards divorce are more or less important than the stability of the relationship. The next three sections will help you to think about how you might look at alternatives.
Divorce, if it has to happen, should be a bilateral decision, with both of you deciding that it is the only possible course, and that the separation is the least bad solution to your problems. Usually, however, there is one partner who is keener on it than the other. Often this is in the context of an affair involving that partner, and they want to form a new relationship and therefore separate. In other cases one partner makes the decision that they can no longer put up with the behaviour of the other one, or they have ‘fallen out of love’ and must separate. Here the power is in the hands of the partner who has made the decision that the relationship is at an end, and the other partner cannot insist on staying together. Putting this another way, it takes two people to decide to stay together, but either of them can decide on their own to go ahead with the divorce.
When you get to the point of thinking about divorce, it is helpful to consider carefully what is about to happen, and to make a list of the advantages and disadvantages of staying together against the advantages and disadvantages of divorcing. These might be of various sorts, and at different timescales: for example, you might consider the situation in five years’ time, and look at what this would be like (a) if a divorce had gone ahead or (b) if you had stayed together. To take a common example of this, if the husband in a marriage with two children has been having an affair with a younger woman, and wants to separate and live with her, you might consider the advantages and disadvantages as follows:
• Husband goes with the woman he wants to be with
• Husband loses the stress of living a double life
• Wife can live more peacefully without the stress of the conflict
• Wife can plan her own life, and possibly form a new relationship
• Good for the husband’s girlfriend, who wants to be with him
• Expense of the legal case
• Both partners poorer as a result of the divorce
• Risk of a bitter conflict following the divorce
• Problems of moving and getting two separate places
• Wife could become depressed
• Husband could feel guilty
• Problems with care of children, including disputes over payments and access
• Both partners may have further children, disadvantaging their own children
• Less expensive for both
• More stability for children
• Couple remain in the family home
• Living through a ‘bad patch’ might strengthen the relationship
• Conflict may continue
• Wife may still be bitter and blame him
• Husband may continue his outside relationship
• If he gives it up he may be resentful
• Wife may be reluctant to resume sexual relations
• It may only be a short-term solution
The above is one example of the kinds of considerations which couples need to take into account when they are wondering whether to divorce or not. There will in most cases be many other issues to be resolved, and many other pressures on the couple. For example, the husband’s friends could bring pressure on him to divorce, perhaps because they themselves are now single and want him to lead a singles’ life with them. The wife’s family may have disapproved of the husband from the beginning, and prefer her to be away from him.
Once the threat of separation has been made by one partner, there is an immediate change in the situation. The partner who wants to stay together is not in a position to insist on staying together, and there may be a mountain to climb in persuading the other partner to reconcile. The couple may have been carrying on with their lives up to this point under the assumption that the relationship will continue whatever happens, and there may be some difficulty in accepting the new playing field.
It takes two to work on improving a relationship, and you must both be willing at least to put the question of divorce aside for the period when you are working on the relationship. In the situation of a threatened divorce, it is that much more difficult for you to cooperate on couple communication and negotiation exercises, and it takes a great degree of goodwill to ‘do-it-yourself’ in these circumstances. You might be wise, as an alternative, to consider going to couple therapy, couple counselling or mediation (see below), when the therapist or mediator can contain some of the ‘awfulness’ for you, while working together with you both on reconciliation.
The exercises described in Chapters 5, 6 and 7 will be just as valid in the situation of a threat of divorce as they are in ‘normal’ relationship problems, but they may have to be carried out with more care and caution than usual because of the ‘nuclear threat’ hanging over you. For example, you might try setting a time for sitting together and talking, with a timer going, and discuss the reasons why one of you has come to this conclusion. The questions might centre on the practical aspects of both of your behaviour which have led to the problems. In your discussions, as in the regular exercises from earlier chapters, you will need to concentrate as far as possible on the positives, and try to convert your complaints into requests of each other for improvements in behaviour. This leaves your partner the chance to make a concession or positive response rather than ‘stonewalling’.
If you are trying to save the relationship, it would be better for you to avoid as far as possible the extreme language and adversarial attitudes that one often reads of in the divorce courts.
• Words such as ‘unreasonable’ and ‘impossible’ are best not used, while you should concentrate on a milder use of language, such as ‘irritating’ or ‘hard to accept’.
• Perhaps there has been violence between you: this should be talked about as ‘our fights’ rather than ‘your tantrums’ or ‘your aggression’.
• Similarly, complaints about alcohol abuse, gambling, lying and overspending will have to be softened in order to get both of you talking constructively about the issues.
• Remember to talk as far as possible in the ‘I’ mode rather than starting with ‘you’ (see Chapter 5).
In order to put your relationship back on course, you must both make more of an effort to change your behaviour, leading to cooperation rather than confrontation. You will probably have a natural wish to punish your partner for what you feel they have done, but even if they admit it all, and apologize, their sense of humiliation may lead them either to show increased hostility or somehow to sabotage the process. It is still better to soft-pedal at this stage.
This is a common situation, and one of the most frequent grounds for divorce. If the couple are to continue in their relationship, perhaps mainly for the sake of the children, there has to be some way in which the other partner can accept and even forgive the partner who has had the affair. Forgiveness may require three processes:
• Recognizing the impact of the traumatic event
• Understanding the meaning it has for both partners
• Moving on and rebuilding the couple’s life together
This is often very hard to do, especially if it has involved lies and covering up, perhaps by mutual friends as well as by the partner. One way to achieve this difficult task is for the wronged partner to accept that their relationship can never be quite as trusting and intimate as it had been before the affair, and that, although disappointing, perhaps this is a more realistic way to treat it. The previous trust could be said to have been misplaced, and in the new situation the couple could be said to be taking a ‘wiser’ attitude to their relationship than before. They can still enjoy each other’s company, and still have a rewarding interaction with their children, despite the affair having occurred. In some couples there is even a more exciting sexual life after the affair, because of the fact of one partner having fulfilled their sexual fantasy and being seen as a more interesting lover for that reason.
Case example
Marion and Charles, in their forties, almost reached breaking point in their relationship because Marion had had an affair. The affair was with a man she met on vacation, and was not likely to meet again without a lot of difficulty. The problem was that she and Charles had a rather unexciting sex life, and it was obvious to him that sex in the affair had been more exciting for her. They worked hard on reconciling, partly because they wanted to avoid hurting their two children, and the extended families were also in favour of them continuing together if possible. Their therapy was partly directed to finding a way for Charles to think more positively about Marion, and treating her as someone whom he could respect again. It also concentrated on helping them to find a more satisfying sex life, and in particular to help Charles with his problem of premature ejaculation (see Chapter 7). They have stayed together and now have a more satisfying and rewarding general and sexual relationship than before the affair.
This implies more than the ‘unreasonable behaviour’ of the earlier paragraph, in that both partners seem to agree that the situation has gone beyond their powers of recovery. I would still believe that it is worth examining the situation to see whether some reconciliation is possible, and a couple who have come to this conclusion may still have the possibility of getting together with a therapist or mediator and working on the relationship. They would probably first have to agree to look at the pros and cons of divorce (see above) and then decide whether it is inevitable that a divorce will go ahead or whether there is some hope of reconciliation.
If you decide that divorce is inevitable, you may find that the process is both painful and expensive. Even when you and your partner have agreed that you both want to divorce, and you have both agreed that you want to make the best arrangement for the family as a whole, there will still be legal ends that have to be tied up, and this will cost money. However, if you are into an acrimonious divorce, with mistrust on both sides and perhaps only communicating through lawyers, the process becomes much more complicated and expensive. It may seem to you that all you want is to get the best solution for you both, but the likelihood is that your partner will oppose you, and what seems fair and honest to you may seem totally one-sided to your partner. In the situation of divorce, opposition is expensive, because the lawyers you employ have the sole aim of getting the best result for you, their client, while the lawyers on the other side want to get the best result for your partner. If it goes to court the result can be that the legal process costs more than either of you have to share between you.
Mediation may not be necessary in a divorce in which both sides are agreed on a mutually fair distribution of their wealth, and agree on the care of children. However, this is rarely the case, and in most divorces there is the possibility that mediation can help. It is particularly valuable in terms of the couple’s continued responsibility for ‘co-parenting’ their children after a separation.
What is mediation about?
• It is a process whereby the couple voluntarily engage in discussions with a neutral third party to reach proposals for settlement of issues, mostly to do with money, property and the care of children, which they can then have endorsed by their own legal representatives.
• Mediation can be ‘child-centred’ or ‘comprehensive’ (also called ‘All Issues Mediation’).
• Child-centred mediation is usually done by family therapists or counsellors, and is mainly concerned with residence of the children and arrangements for visiting.
• Comprehensive mediation deals with all issues, including financial, childcare and housing, and is usually done by either a team including counsellors and lawyers, or by individuals with training in both legal and counselling matters.
In either type of mediation the couple may be seen together or separately, and in many settings the children are seen, either alone or with their parents. Stages in the process include:
• Establishing the forum (including the decision whether to involve the children)
• Clarifying the issues and setting the agenda
• Exploring the issues
• Securing agreement (to be taken to the lawyers for ratification).
It can be very successful, but this depends on the level of cooperation the mediators can get from the couple. It is generally seen as a cheaper option than leaving it all to the lawyers. More importantly, couples who go through mediation tend to feel that they have had a more amicable divorce than couples who simply use lawyers. They also tend to have more trouble-free childcare arrangements. It has been found, however, that very conflicted couples are often unable to make use of mediation, because they do not have the basic level of cooperation to begin the process.
One of the enduring problems arising from divorce is the effect that it has on children. As I mentioned earlier, they are disadvantaged both in education and psychologically by divorce, but there are also more specific problems encountered as they go through the split-up of their parents. These problems differ according to the age of the children at the time of the split.
• Very young children (under four years old) find it difficult to understand the motives of other people, and often assume that it is their fault if Mummy or Daddy has gone away.
• Up to the age of seven they still find the changes hard to understand, but may be able to empathize with one parent at a time, and can enjoy the time they spend with both.
• From seven to nine there is an increasing ability to comprehend mixed feelings, and to accept the changes in their family life.
• In late childhood (age nine to thirteen) they may express clear preferences between parents, but not want to hurt the rejected parent.
• In adolescence they may begin to take sides more openly, but may also try to be the peacemaker. Boys are more likely to show problem behaviour, while girls are more likely to become depressed.
At any age, the children may show increased difficulties in behaviour. These are usually more severe if there is conflict between the parents, and often predate the divorce. The worst scenario for the children is when there is severe conflict between the parents before and after the divorce. In the process the children are asked to take sides by one or both parents, and they may even be used as pawns in the power struggle that is going on. The best that a parental couple who are splitting can do is to work together as far as possible to maintain their children’s peace of mind.
There are many children whose parents have divorced, as well as many others who have always been in a one-parent family. The fact that this is now a common situation makes it easier for the children whose parents are divorcing to accept it. School friends whose parents may also have divorced can also be a help in coming to terms with the breakup. Teachers too may be a resource, and it is always useful for the class teacher to be informed of the split, so that the child can be given support in school. Grandparents will often wish to help with childcare, as well as being someone the child can confide in.
The first priority is to tell the children what is happening. What you tell them will vary according to how old they are. If they are very young, it would be best to make it very simple, but always to bear in mind the risk that they may take it personally and think that they are somehow at fault. With the younger children the message will have to be repeated, perhaps many times, to ensure that they have absorbed it. If they are older, then they should be given more details about what is happening, and in an ideal world it would be better if they heard it from both parents together. This may not be possible, however, if the two parents can’t cooperate to this extent, and the next best arrangement is for both of you to speak to them separately, but having a prior discussion and then saying more or less the same thing. It is essential that your children are not blamed for the split, and that they are reassured that you both love them and wish to care for them.
The fact that they must remain good co-parents is almost a golden rule for the divorcing parental couple. The children should not have to make decisions about their own care, although their views should be taken into account when decisions are made. Being ‘co-parents’, even though you may not be living together, means sharing responsibility for the welfare of your children, even though in the case of a non-resident parent that will be delegated to the resident parent. It also means making joint decisions on their behalf when necessary (mainly when the children are younger) and taking the children’s views into consideration when they are old enough to be consulted.
When a parent who is divorced lives with their children, one of the children may become part of the ‘parental system’, a so-called parental child. They may take a role of replacement partner to the lone parent, and take too great a level of responsibility for the care of younger siblings. This may be a safe course for a short time, but if it continues for long it will cause developmental problems for the child. If you see this situation developing, you should try to talk it out with the parental child, take back some of the decision making and responsibility, and help the child to resume their role as an ordinary family member. This means that, if they have their own problems, they can once again come to you as their parent, rather than supporting you all the time.
It is much better for divorcing parents, if possible, to find accommodation within reasonable travelling distance from each other. Particular problems arise when the divorcing parents choose to live in different countries, or even different continents. The further the distances, the harder it is to arrange regular contact between the children and the non-resident parent. In fact, it has been found that half of all non-resident fathers have lost contact with their children after two years of separation, regardless of where they live, and this proportion is probably even higher if there are long distances involved. It is important to keep contacts going by telephone, letter and email, and even where they live far away this can be a good way to maintain relationships with absent children.
This is not at all unusual (see Chapter 11 for further discussion) for all sorts of reasons. There may be tensions between you and your ex-partner which are being played out through the children, or they may just be upset at the change of routine, or at the reminder that you are no longer together. It would be very tempting for either partner to decide as a result that it would be better to stop visits. This would be a mistake, and lead to further problems in the children’s future adjustment. It is better to persevere with visiting, however difficult to arrange and potentially upsetting, rather than risk the absent parent losing contact.
Although your partner becomes your ex-partner following a divorce or separation, you don’t become ex-parents, and your own parents don’t become ex-grandparents. They still have a valid claim to continue their relationship with your children, and it is up to you to help them to maintain that relationship if that is what both they and your children want. In fact, grandparents may become an essential link in the chain if there is a problem with the non-resident parent meeting with the children, either due to a lack of a suitable place or because the resident parent objects to the other one seeing the children alone. In any case, the grandparent will want to send presents, attend school events, and support the child in other activities. There may be specific difficulties regarding Christmas, weddings and similar occasions, when the grandparents will often want to get together with their grandchildren in spite of the divorce, and there is a chance of some kind of family solidarity at least on a temporary basis. The secret of arranging these occasions is to avoid too much contact between the two partners, especially if there is a lot of ongoing conflict.
It may be a great relief for the divorcing couple that life does not have to be lived as a single parent forever, but a new relationship brings its own sources of conflict and confusion for the partners themselves and for the children and other relatives. There are often divided loyalties in this situation, and there are many other difficulties to be surmounted by the ex-partners getting into new relationships. The most important thing is to keep your ex-partner and the children informed as soon as the new relationship becomes permanent. These issues are dealt with in the next chapter, which in many ways could be seen as a continuation of this one.
• Divorce should be a last resort.
• Although it is often a relief, it can be like a bereavement.
• Divorce can be entirely orchestrated by one partner, but it takes two to agree to attempt reconciliation.
• You should carefully weigh the pros and cons of divorce as against staying together.
• In avoiding divorce you could use the techniques from earlier chapters, such as negotiation, communication (avoiding extreme language), solving arguments and using timetables.
• You may have to consider forgiveness for infidelity by one partner.
• If divorce is inevitable, mediation can help to resolve the disputes.
• The welfare of your children is paramount: try not to move too far away, arrange regular visiting and remain good co-parents.
• Remember the grandparents, who will not want to lose touch with their grandchildren.
• If you get into new relationships, keep everyone informed.