There are an increasing number of second marriages, and an even larger number of people who are divorced and getting together in cohabiting relationships. The question is, what happens to the children in these families – in many cases they will be living at different times with both their parents who may be in new relationships. I will be using the term ‘blended family’ for a family with step-parents, stepchildren or more informal arrangements in which children live with their parents’ partners who are not related to them. I will also be using the terms ‘stepfather’ and ‘stepmother’ for new partners of the divorcing parents even if they are not married to them.
There are a large number of folk tales involving wicked stepmothers (for example Cinderella and Snow White), and an equal number of stories of stepfathers who are cruel or sexually abusive. Another common situation in literature and the media is the rivalry that may exist between a girl and her new stepmother for the affections of her father, and the sexual feelings that a boy may experience for his father’s (often younger) partner. These situations do indeed sometimes arise: they are not just myths. In contrast to these negative images is the optimistic belief some new couples have that, because of the strength of their feelings for each other, their children will get along well with them both, and the new family will be free of trouble. Neither the negative view of literature nor the over-optimistic hopes of the new couple are really representative of the situation that usually exists when a blended family is created. There are often problems, but they can usually be solved with goodwill on all sides.
Every couple is made up of two individuals who bring to the new relationship some baggage from previous relationships, whether from childhood with parents and family members or from earlier romantic attachments (see Chapter 1). For people who are starting out on a relationship following a divorce or a separation from a significant other, even if there are no children involved, this is more complex and acute. There may be resentment against the previous partner, which can sour the present relationship. There may be guilt about leaving the marriage, which can lead to an apparent lack of commitment to the present partner. There is also the problem of idealization, in that those who enter a new relationship are often trying to heal the wounds of the previous breakup in their optimism about the new relationship.
Second relationships following the divorce of one or both parties are usually more difficult than first ones. The couple are admittedly older and more experienced than when they first married, but they may also have lost some of the enthusiasm that they brought to the earlier relationships. It is tempting to paint the ex-partner as all bad and the new partner as all good, and this can often sustain the couple for a while. However, this is a risky strategy, because the new partner then has a lot to live up to, and there is bound to be a problem sooner or later. It is better to be realistic about the new relationship so as not to be totally disappointed and disillusioned at the first hurdle. It takes just as long for a new relationship to develop as for the original one, and these things cannot be hurried. It is also helpful not to have unrealistic sexual expectations in a second relationship, especially if the man is over 50. Sometimes the couple are disappointed that their ‘honeymoon’ is not as good sexually as they had hoped, but this can usually be dealt with by the couple having a sympathetic discussion about the natural changes of middle age (see Chapter 3).
When a couple begin to live together after one or both have broken up with previous partners, there are a host of everyday habits and routines which need to be adjusted. People sometimes have difficulty with the details of this task, and it can cause conflict. With a bit of discussion and negotiation (see Chapter 5) it can usually be resolved between you, and the question of clothes on the bedroom floor and leaving the toothpaste tube open does not have to destroy the new relationship as soon as it is formed.
If there are children from the earlier relationships, then sooner or later the new couple will have to set up a full-time or part-time blended family. Usually the mother of the children will be the main caretaker for them. This means that stepfather families are more likely to involve children being there all or most of the time. With stepmother families, the more common pattern is for alternate weekends with the children, along with extra contact at vacation times. These are by no means universal arrangements, and many variations are possible, including the sometimes problematic shared care arrangements with each parent having the children 50% of the time. Whether full-time or part-time, the couple will have many of the same issues to face regarding the children.
I mentioned in Chapter 10 the problems that divorcing couples have with children visiting if they live a long way from each other, the most extreme situation being if they live on different continents. In planning your life with a new partner, it makes sense to think of children’s visiting arrangements and to work out a sensible way of organizing the travel at weekends. If it really is not possible to live nearby, longer but less frequent visits might be able to be arranged, with a fair degree of reliability and predictability.
If you have been seeing someone regularly and decide to live together or get married, it is always wise to tell your ex-partner and your children as soon as possible what is happening, especially if there is to be a visit. There is nothing more upsetting for the children than to meet their new stepmother or stepfather without having been warned about it. The same applies to moving, arrangements for school and plans for vacations. It may not always be easy for couples who have had an acrimonious divorce to communicate about practical issues, and sometimes an intermediary may have to be brought in, for example one of the grandparents or a trusted mutual friend, to pass on the information.
Children under five usually find it easier than older children to adjust to step-parents. The older children may have a secret idea that the new relationship will not last and that their biological parents will get together again. They may well also have heard the other parent talking in negative terms about the new partner, and perhaps feel that they would be disloyal to accept the new relationship. The introductions between the children, whether younger or older, and the new partner are crucial, in that they can set the pattern of future meetings and interactions. Clearly they have to be managed with care and sensitivity, so that things do not get off to a difficult start.
Often when a mother is divorced, one of the older children becomes her confidant, and takes a somewhat parental role. This can seem to be good for the child’s self-esteem, and can help with the stress caused by the split. However, the ‘parental’ role for a child is risky (see Chapter 10) and can interfere with the child’s natural development. It should only be allowed on a very limited and temporary basis, to overcome a crisis. In any case, when a new partner comes into the family, there is usually an expectation that the child will revert to being a child again, and this may be problematic, with hostility to the step-parent. One way to manage this is to give the parental child a special role in the new step-family, such as (if they are old enough) looking after younger children from time to time.
The children’s expectations are not always very positive, especially if the new relationship is formed soon after the separation. There is a sharp contrast between their attitudes and those of the new couple, who may be very enthusiastic about the new arrangements. The problem is that the new couple may be assuming that they can quickly create a successful ‘nuclear’ family with their children/stepchildren, and they could begin to blame the children for failing to adjust to the situation. The contrast between their view and that of the children might be seen as the children grieving for the old relationship and the new partners wanting to celebrate the new one. You should be very aware of this when introducing children to your new partner or letting them know about new living arrangements.
You should remember that the absent parent is still psychologically present in the other one’s new relationship, and that the other parent will probably have some discussion of the new relationship with the children on their return from a visit. This means that it would be better for both biological parents to be careful not to say negative things about the other parent or about that person’s new partner in front of the children. As with my suggestions for dealing with problems within an ongoing relationship (Chapter 6) you should always think of the long-term stability of your children rather than trying to win a battle over your ex-partner in the short-term. Your collaborative relationship as co-parents will potentially go on until your children have reached adult life, and it will be of great benefit to them if they have two parents who can work together in caring for them.
This is one of the hardest areas for the new couple setting up a blended family. Most of the daily activities in a nuclear family are done automatically without any thought: we simply fit in with the routines and habits of those we live with. When a new couple are getting together and setting up house, they are having to deal with the differences in their own previous routines (see above), and working out compromises to fit their new situation. Children who are familiar with their old routines may become irritable or withdrawn if they feel too uncomfortable with the new arrangements. This may then lead to them having clashes, either with the new step-parent or with both the partners, and the children may be labelled ‘disturbed’ as a result. In coping with this problem it is best for the new couple to take things slowly, to adapt to the children’s needs and to move gradually to a compromise position which does not disadvantage either the step-parent or the children.
At first in a blended family the resident biological parent, whether mother or father, should be the main disciplinarian, hopefully in collaboration or at least in consultation with the non-resident biological parent. The step-parent should defer to their new partner wherever possible, and should not make far-reaching decisions without reference to them. As the new system evolves it may become clear that both partners are trusted by each other and by the children to enforce discipline and to make decisions. But in the last analysis, and for very important decisions, it should always be the biological parent, in discussion with the absent parent, who decides. In Chapter 6, I described the parental subsystem, which acts as the decider system for the children; and with blended families that subsystem has three or four members, rather than two, and they may not always see eye to eye. However, they should all be informed about important or far-reaching decisions.
Case example
Betty (36) and Mark (41) have been divorced for two years. Mark is a psychotherapist, and has formed a live-in relationship with Anne, a colleague. His and Betty’s children have had very different reactions to Mark’s new relationship. Alan (14) refuses point blank to meet with Anne, in spite of pressure from both Mark and Betty. He also takes the role of ‘father substitute’ towards Tony and Rachel, his younger siblings. Tony (12) has been acting as a go-between, and stays regularly at Mark’s home; but at the family home, he and Betty have constant arguments and fights, in which Mark (although absent) intervenes on Betty’s side. Rachel (9) likes to keep both parents happy, but doesn’t take sides. Therapy took the form of meetings with Mark and Betty, including the three children on two occasions. The main thrust was to emphasize that Alan should be allowed to make his own decisions as to whether to meet with Anne. Betty was encouraged to work out a schedule for the three children to help with household matters (thus taking on the parental role towards Alan as well) and to praise Tony for his work in the house rather than scolding him when he didn’t do it. Rachel was praised for being the peacemaker. In the end, Alan still didn’t go to meet Anne, and he became more detached from Betty, but Tony became a much more cooperative member of Betty’s family, and the crisis was resolved.
When the children first meet with the new partner, they may treat them as a friend of the family, and only gradually learn that they are soon to be their step-parent. The new partner may be younger than the parent they are living with, and it may be difficult, especially for older children, to accept them as a stepparent, because of the difficulty of respecting someone who is nearer to them in age. This is a hurdle for the step-parent, their partner and the children to overcome, and ideally they should all cooperate to make the new family work.
There are particular areas where the step-parent will have to tread carefully in relation to the children. This is especially important in view of concerns about child sexual abuse. Intimate situations such as bath time (with younger children), the children’s bedtime and the children coming into the couple’s bed may have to be dealt with cautiously by the stepparent, and the children should be asked for their agreement for their new step-parent to take part in these activities. The absent parent should also be informed as soon as possible. Even if there is no sexual attraction between the children and the step-parent, it is wise to avoid situations that could be misunderstood. At first the biological parent should be present in all these situations, and only gradually should the stepparent take them over when necessary, with the agreement of both the resident parent and the absent parent. The absent parent will certainly hear about the arrangements in the new household, and it is best for them to be given the information in advance rather than hearing it from the children afterwards.
In particular, the position of the new stepfather is a vulnerable one, and the risk of sexual involvement with stepsons or stepdaughters is one which he should be aware of. This may happen without any premeditation on his part, and research suggests that it is easier for a man to get into this situation if he is living with children he has not brought up from babyhood. Even if there is no involvement as such, it is wise to avoid any situations in which he might be suspected of it, or in which there might be the chance of a false accusation being made by a discontented child. If, however, a child does complain about sexual involvement with a step-parent, the resident parent must take it seriously and act on it through the local social services.
Children who live with one parent and their new partner will sooner or later be in a position when they have to talk about the situation in school and with friends. This causes less trauma and less stigma than it used to when divorce was uncommon. Often there are a number of children in the class whose parents are divorced, or who come from a single-parent household. The teacher may be aware of the difficulties faced by children in this situation, and can facilitate discussion in class, for example about how many sisters and brothers each child has, or the problems of weekend visiting. This can have the effect of reducing stigma and aids the children’s adjustment to the new living arrangements.
In many blended families there are siblings from both parents’ sides, and sometimes these children are quite close in age. There may be an instant friendship between them, or an instant dislike, but in most cases it will take some time before there is a reasonable adjustment between step-siblings. If they are not in contact all the time, but only at visiting times, this may make the situation easier; but when there is full-time contact, the problem can be a more chronic one, and lead to depression or maladjustment on either side. Another potential difficulty is sexual attraction between step-siblings, and although they are not biologically related, the fact that they are part of the same family makes it necessary to discourage such relationships as far as possible.
This can be a great joy to them, and hopefully also to their previous children, but the risk of resentment and rivalry is probably greater in the blended family than in nuclear families when a new baby is born. Often the child from the earlier relationship feels displaced and loses self-esteem. The couple should be careful not to exclude the older child from their new ‘nuclear’ family, and to avoid discriminating against them in giving presents, in paying for their education or in buying clothes or toys. Many children from divorced parents feel the advent of the new baby very acutely, and may need extra time to talk with their biological parent in order to gain reassurance about the new situation.
This often becomes an issue during the long school vacations, and both biological parents should come to some agreement about their plans for vacations to include the children. It might be best for the non-resident parent and partner to take the children away for the longer break, since they see less of them during term-time. However, this will vary from family to family, and the only important thing is to make clear and reliable arrangements, which are agreed to by both biological parents and are acceptable to the children.
These pose special problems for the blended family. There is a tendency for the children to wish for a family reconciliation at these times, and they probably hope that their parents will get together and plan a reunion. However, the new couple(s) will also wish to have a good family celebration for themselves at Christmas, and this may be in conflict with the children’s wishes. Each family will have to make its own arrangements, and this may be different in different years and at different festivals. The most important consideration is that the children are able to enjoy the festival. The new couple should probably use other times, for example vacations, for their ‘couple time’ together.
As opposed to Christmas and similar festivals, family weddings and funerals usually bring together both the ex-partners, their children and the new partners. There are often high levels of anxiety and tension around such gatherings.
To take the hypothetical example of a daughter who has been living with her mother and stepfather and visiting her father and stepmother on a regular basis: she may want both her biological parents to sit together at her wedding reception, but does not want her stepmother or stepfather to be at the same table as her parents. There may have to be a good deal of discussion about the seating, but an informal arrangement without a ‘top’ table may solve some of the problems. There may have to be some moving around at different stages of the reception, and the bride’s wishes may not be able to be met in full because of the tension between the various people involved. It might even be that one of the new partners has to miss the ceremony, but this would be unfortunate, and would lead to the likelihood of further problems in the future.
Similar considerations apply to funerals, but here the solemnity of the occasion can sometimes overcome the antagonism between the ex-partners and the other people involved in the blended families, and can lead to more understanding. Again, if there is too much tension it may be better for those who are nearest to the person who has died to go to the funeral without their present partners.
This is a transition phase in the life of a blended family just as in a nuclear family, and the issues are quite similar. The children decide when the time is right to leave home, perhaps when they get into their own intimate partnership, go to college or get a job away from home. The parents, whether in a blended family or not, respond by allowing them to leave, or by opposing it, and relations between parents and children continue well or badly. One point to be made about this new situation is that the children are now free to keep in touch with both sets of parents, or with neither, as they choose.
Problems can still emerge, even after the children have left the blended family, with the step-parent resenting the time and money that his or her partner expends on the children of their previous marriage. There may be issues about wills and inheritance, with one partner worrying about how much of the other partner’s assets are going to his or her children after death. This can be more difficult to sort out legally if the two are in a longstanding relationship without being married.
Given the fact that so many people are now living in blended families, it is surprising that more is not written about the problems and how to solve them. What I have done here is to produce a brief and very general guide to the problems of blended families and their possible solutions. However, each family is truly unique, and a solution to one family’s problems may not be applicable to others. The most important thing to remember is the vulnerability of children in this setting, especially in the early stages. The best protection for them is to have two biological parents who, though they cannot get along well enough with each other to remain married, are still working together as co-parents, with the help of their new partners, for the welfare of their children.
In forming and maintaining a blended family, these are some things to bear in mind:
• Try if possible not to live too far away from your ex-partner.
• Keep your ex-partner informed as soon as possible of any changes in your status.
• Make sure that you and your ex-partner work together to inform the children about where they are to live, with whom and when.
• Try not to undermine or criticize your ex-partner or their new partner in front of the children: be positive about them.
• Remember that the children may not be as enthusiastic as you are about your new partner.
• Respect the different needs of children of different ages.
• Sometimes children have had a parental role before the ‘blending’ and may regret the loss of this.
• Remember that your relationship with your partner is ‘younger’ than your children’s ages.
• Try to be consistent as a couple about the house rules and discipline when the blended family is together.
• Respect boundaries, and don’t expect full family intimacy (e.g. at bath times) until the family has been established for some time.
• Make good and reliable arrangements for school and family vacations.
• Be aware of the pressures that your children may experience at school following the ‘blending’ of the family.
• Be aware that the children may respond with depression or behavioural problems to the new family setup.
• Remember that the birth of children to the new partners can cause negative feelings in the older children in a blended family.
• Be aware of the tensions that can occur around festivals, weddings and funerals when different strands of the families meet.
• Think about wills and inheritance, and who you want to benefit after your death.