CHAPTER 15
Two Characteristics of an Influential Leader
Want to be an influential leader? Then learn how to be both vulnerable and curious with yourself and your team. Vulnerability and curiosity are the two humanizing elements of leadership that increase your influence.
What gets in the way of being vulnerable and curious is when you treat yourself or others like a machine. Recognize you have a heart and a mind and be willing to connect to both. Tend to your ME before you attempt to lead others.
When you are vulnerable and acknowledge what you really think, feel, and want, your energy flows more fully. You have easier access to intuition and creativity. You are congruent with your words and actions, which match your intent. Humans pick up on that matching resonance, and it naturally engenders trust. Trust makes people willing, and often wanting, to follow you, the congruent leader.
Too often, leaders try to manage themselves. They’ve gone to well-meaning leadership schools and read books that advise them to compartmentalize themselves into different pieces: the leader and the person.
- The leader, or hero, who looks good, gets down to business, is result-driven, makes things happen, and lives by the adage: Don’t ever let them see you sweat!
- The person, or human, who shows up in personal spheres with family, friends, and on social media.
We aren’t big fans of the split between business and personal or the work leader and at-home person. Successful leaders are walking, talking models who embrace the fullness and challenges of being both the designated hero and the human being.
Isn’t that really the challenge of a leader? The hero: taking the lead, confidently setting the course, inspiring others to follow, and making things happen. The human: staying aware of the vulnerability, uncertainty, and fears inherent in doing something new and risky. It’s a tough balancing act.
Are you a hero, or simply human? You’re both. So, what does it take to stay real and grounded when people look to you for so much more than that? What does it take to connect to the ME first?
Yes, we’re going to talk about the two characteristics: vulnerability and curiosity again. But this time, we’ll also address courage and show you how combining vulnerability and curiosity is the key to increasing your influence. Together, that’s the stuff the ME is made of.
THE VULNERABLE, CURIOUS, COURAGEOUS ME
Vulnerability is the willingness to expose yourself to danger, to let others see you sweat, to acknowledge, “I don’t know,” “I made a mistake,” or “I’m sorry.”
We challenge you to risk baring your humanness when stepping into uncharted territory. That risk will take you miles in creating connection, influence, and loyalty. On the continuum of vulnerability, one end being hidden and the other end being real, strive to show up real.
It’s true that leaders need to have a strong opinion, confidence, and a vision for where to go. The more successful leader is also curious, interested, and actively seeking other ideas—a different perspective beyond his own experience and expertise.
We see curiosity as a continuum: closed or defended to the opinions of the other on one end; open-minded and willing to change point of view on the other.
Even when you’re convinced someone is completely wrong, muster up your willingness to be influenced and access your curiosity. First, focus on the ME by owning up to your own point of view: “Wow! I’m surprised. That is completely different from my perspective.” Second, link to the WE and be curious: “Tell me how you came to your conclusion.” Third, remain open to their logic. You may not agree, but the other’s reasoning may still influence and change your final opinion or approach.
The irony is that being vulnerable (real and curious) and open to influence makes you most influential. That’s because you are speaking up and revealing what you think, feel, and want while also considering the input of the other. This willingness and ability to open up while being real, while standing in the tension of differences is courageous and powerful. People connect to you and trust you, because you are real and open. You are an influencer.
A leader needs the courage to chart a new course, but now we are talking about a different type of courage. We mean the ability to tolerate the tension inherent in being a hero while also being curious and vulnerable, rather than making either the hero position or the human vulnerability right or wrong.
Tolerating tension takes courage. It requires handling failure and setbacks as well as acknowledging and owning your part in whatever the outcome. Courage means taking a moment to celebrate success, even knowing there is still a long road ahead. Yes, you still need to be a strong leader. Vulnerability and courage aren’t about being weak. But too often leaders omit this softer human side altogether. They are brittle and stiff, and that limits their leadership influence and effectiveness.
When a leader opts out of the tension, her influence erodes. A Superstar speaks up about her opinion, which is real, but she is closed to the opinions of others. A Separator is both closed and hidden, meaning he doesn’t speak up about his opinion and is not curious about the opinions of others. And while an Accommodator is curious and open to other people’s points of view, she does not reveal what she thinks, feels, or wants in that moment. These are ineffective team conflict styles versus the effectiveness of the Influencer.
To be an influential and effective leader of people, you need to show up as a whole person. Don’t treat yourself and others as machines. Use your natural resources: your heart, mind, and inherent willingness to engage. When you do, your people will follow suit. Your willingness to be vulnerable, curious, and courageous provides a powerful model for those you lead.
The challenge of leadership is to include your whole self. When you do, you have easier access to your own creativity and intuition. You connect more effectively with the people you lead because you are more congruent, increasing your influence with your people, and building trust and loyalty.
A few years back we coached Todd, the Executive Director of a large inner-city non-profit Community Center. His mission from the board was to introduce new youth programs to revitalize the center. He was met with resistance from long-time staffers. We discussed using both vulnerability and curiosity with this staff as keys to influence.
At an all-staff day, Todd invited the new youth program leaders to introduce their program to the rest of the staff by providing experiential activities to encourage buy-in from the rest of the staff.
As the youth program leaders kicked off the activities, a group of four older staff members sat back to observe. When Kelly, one of the youth program leaders, inquired about their decision, the response was, “We are too old for learning new tricks. Best we just watch.” Kelly nodded and started to move on.
Todd immediately jumped up and challenged the group, “Hey guys come on! How can you resist this stuff?”
The group’s spokesman, Frank, was about to disagree to the challenge when CrisMarie stepped in.
“Wait, Todd, can I check in with you?” Todd nodded.
“Just quickly, can you tell me how vulnerable you are being? Are you being real or hidden right now?” No one else had a clue what CrisMarie meant, but Todd did.
“Hmm, not much. I guess I’m showing up like an Accommodator. Let me try it again,” Todd replied. CrisMarie nodded.
Todd took a breath. “Okay, what’s real is that I am frustrated. I want you long-time staffers to give these youth programs a chance. You need to know the youth program is happening. This is the direction our mission is headed, and I’d like you to join us. If you choose not to, then I’m going to have to make tougher decisions.”
CrisMarie acknowledged Todd for being real and vulnerable and reminded him about curiosity.
“So, now you know where I am. I want to know why this is so challenging for you. I know I haven’t been listening, and maybe now that I have gotten this off my chest, I can. Tell me what stops you from joining?”
The older staff were definitely surprised, and then Frank responded, “We thought you were going to fire us or replace our programs, and it sure seemed like all you were interested in was the new youth direction. Sounds like there is some truth to that.”
Todd paused. “Yes, the youth programs are critical for getting grants and community support. But, I don’t want to lose you guys. You have the most popular adult classes and activities. I just see you all as resisting everything I suggest, and I get frustrated.”
The air and direction of the meeting had shifted, and productive dialogue ensued. The staffers tried some of the experiential activities and liked them! There was engagement and even input from the older staffers about how to make the youth programs successful with this community.
The shift occurred when Todd became vulnerable and curious. He became an influencer. It wasn’t comfortable, but when he dared to use the tool, the entire meeting shifted. No one else needed the tool, but when Todd self-corrected, creative dialogue occurred.
BRINGING THE ME AND THE WE TOGETHER
We’ve focused on the ME in this section—the space within you. Often, people don’t give this much thought. As a business leader, you may find yourself trying so hard to get tasks done and perform well that you don’t pay attention to what drives you, what you’re thinking (your assumptions about the situation), and how you really feel, other than fine. Without awareness of what is happening inside, you may repeat the same patterns, run into the same blind spots, and persist in the inability to break through the upper limit of your own success, effectiveness, or influence. Strength, vulnerability, curiosity, courage, congruence, pause, emotions—these are all tools to help you stay grounded in the ME.
When you discover what’s true inside, you can bring it into the light of day. You can be more real with both yourself and others in the situation. When you choose to be real, you are congruent and authentic, and those around you respond to the difference.
If you want to learn more about the combination of vulnerability and curiosity and the power it creates on teams, check out our TEDx Talk Conflict: Use It, Don’t Defuse It! on YouTube or at www.Thriveinc.com/beautyofconflict/bonus.
Let’s move on to the WE—the space between you and another. The next section covers the tension that comes up inside yourself and between you and others when you each start sharing more fully what you truly think, feel, and want. To bring the ME and the WE together, you must know your own inner space and reveal your position with vulnerability while being curious and open to others. You can embody this type of leadership at home, at work, within communities, and anywhere in the world. When you do, you hold the key to expanding your influence in any circumstance.
In the section on the WE, we’ll show you how to work through and be more effective when those tough conversations pop up on your team.