CHAPTER 17
Conflict is a hard sell. No one wants conflict, not even us. Unaddressed conflict fractures the WE of your team, especially if you as the leader have not provided your team with the skills and support to address it in a healthy way. When conflict shows up it creates discomfort and can break apart relationships and teams. Why, then, do we encourage conflict?
Because silence is even more detrimental than conflict.
Have you ever heard an idea at work and known it was either a bad suggestion or would cause more problems—and yet you said nothing?
You stayed silent because you didn’t want to make a meeting last longer. Or you decided that maybe you were wrong, they were right, and everything would be fine. Perhaps the person you disagreed with was a longtime teammate, or even a friend outside of the office. Why upset the relationship?
Maybe nothing horrible happened, but what if it had?
When I, Susan, was in my twenties, I worked in a hospital as an anesthesiologist tech—essentially the social arm for the anesthesiologist and surgeon to the patient. I would meet with the patient outside the operating room and ask simple questions, check blood pressure, and make sure everything was set for the patient to go into surgery.
One patient was a woman about to have knee surgery. She told me how she had injured her right knee. The surgeon came in during our conversation, and I stepped back to let him examine her. He manipulated and poked at her left knee, and there was very little dialogue between them. Then he turned and went, and I came back to check in with the patient. “Didn’t you tell me it was your right knee that needs surgery?” I asked.
“Yes,” she replied.
“Did you mention that to him?” I continued.
“He knows,” she replied, her voice a little wobbly.
“Hmm,” I replied. I wasn’t so sure.
I finished with the woman, and when I left her room, I noticed the surgeon standing nearby. I told him that I had been talking to the woman and wondered why he had been working on her left knee when it was her right knee that had been injured.
“Who the hell are you to tell me how to do my job?” he exploded. “You have no business even talking to me. Now, get out of my way so I can go operate.”
I walked away, rattled.
I was done with that case, and the day proceeded as usual. I tried to recover my sense of grounding, but said very little to any other surgeons that afternoon. As I was leaving for the day, that surgeon stopped me.
“I shouldn’t have jumped on you. I was out of line,” he said.
I was so surprised that I grappled to find my words. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I guess I just wanted to check. I should have realized you know your job.”
“The truth is, if you hadn’t said anything, I would’ve operated on the wrong knee,” the surgeon replied. “I was in my operating mode and thought it was the left knee. She didn’t say anything to correct me, so I didn’t even give it another thought.”
I was stunned. I appreciated his courage, vulnerability, and humanness to come back and apologize.
This is an extreme but powerful example. When people stay silent like that knee patient did, they risk negative impacts. It would be easy to blame the doctor’s bullying style as the source of the problem, but the dynamic is much more complicated. The choice to stay silent can cause considerable damage.
Silence is one of the biggest problems in relationships, particularly on teams. Speaking up in tough situations is critical to smooth operations (no pun intended). Each of us helps perpetuate the bad behavior when we stay silent or blame another person in our heads or behind their backs. Silence makes us a victim and them the villain.
Silence on the outside doesn’t mean silence on the inside. Our outer silence only masks the ongoing rant in our head. It keeps us from seeing our part in the problem, and that leaves the team’s collective potential to the loudest person. In silence we abdicate our responsibility in the WE. We miss how everyone’s role contributes to the outcome. It is easy to blame the bully, but on a team, silent members equally contribute to the dysfunction of the WE.
It’s important to name silence as a part of the problem. Acknowledging it is critical to understanding that what appears obvious (that the problem is the bully or dominant team member) may not be the only issue. Too many teams focus solely on the bully, which is important, but it does not address the silence, which is crucial.
Silence, at its core, is failure to expose, express, or reveal a different point of view (i.e., conflict).
Lack of conflict in the health care industry can and does injure and kill people. In businesses, it stops creativity and innovation, creating a slow death for organizations. In business, conflict is usually less of a safety issue and more of a strategic issue.
Let’s say you are facilitating a team meeting about a new product line. As the leader, you have a passionate opinion about the right direction. A brave soul speaks up to challenge your opinion—your right idea. You immediately react by challenging that person in return, and that creates a spark.
That spark is crucial! And it’s uncomfortable, because we aren’t used to confrontation or have not been taught how to tolerate it. But when we opt in to it, that spark ignites the flame of creativity and innovation. It generates new, creative ideas and solutions.
But let’s say the brave soul decides in his head that you’re right and he’s wrong. “Never mind,” he says. “I’m good with your plan.”
Now his ideas, and the resulting new ones to emerge from the clash are lost. The team goes forward, operating on only your idea. You kind of like that, because it feels good to be right, and you revel in that feeling of rightness. The truth, however, is that new thinking has been pushed aside for you to get your own way. Hmm.
We have a strong desire to identify a right and a wrong. That right/wrong thinking is seductive. It makes us feel safe. It keeps us out of uncertainty, ambiguity, and the anxiety of the unknown. The world is clear, black and white.
But when you fall into the right/wrong trap, you don’t foster new ideas. Hand-in-hand with the desire to just get along, the right/wrong trap deadens creativity, innovation, and possibility.
Frankly, there is no safe way to introduce conflict. There is, however, a compelling reason to do so, and it has a big upside.
Speaking up is worth the discomfort, even to the point of feeling anxious. If I’d not spoken up in the hospital, that poor woman would have had an operation on the wrong knee. I remember that situation every time I want to pull back into silence and safety. Even if avoiding conflict in your work or relationships won’t cause physical pain or injury, the outcome of your silence will be a casualty.
So we sell conflict, even knowing it is a hard sell.
TIPS TO BREAK THE SILENCE
As a leader, it’s your job to notice when people are uncomfortable and not speaking up. You may have to slow down the meeting or delay a critical decision to open the floor for naysayers and reluctant people to speak up.
Here are some things to say during a meeting where you pick up those signals:
- “I realize people may be hesitant to speak up because you think we’re too far down this path to stop. I want to say right now, we can decide this is a no go. Nothing is off limits at this point.”
- “I notice that Ted, Mary, and I have been doing most of the talking. It is so easy for us to carry on and for me to think everyone is on board. This is an important decision. So let’s pause and check in with the rest of you individually.”
- “I feel a sense of urgency about this project, and I may be shutting down dialogue with my desire to move ahead. I think we’d benefit from taking a step back and each identifying one potential risk to our current direction. Let’s put our concerns on the table. I’ll go first.”
These are just a few examples of how a leader can step in and shift a longst anding pattern of silence.
It’s important to do this regularly when a decision is coming to a critical point. And you may want to go first more than once to underscore for team members that it’s okay to stop the momentum and speak up.
Did you know that in your greatest discomfort lies your greatest potential for creativity? Read on to learn more.