CHAPTER 18

Tense Moments Equal Creative Opportunities

Teams often rely on the loudest members’ or leaders’ ideas and experience. That might be good for business as usual, but it’s neither innovative nor transformative.

The real solution to interrupting business as usual comes when people, especially the leader, are willing to risk having their own ideas challenged, rejected, or changed. Why would anyone do that?

People show up authentically and share their true thoughts because they understand that creativity and innovation is only possible when my idea clashes with your idea. In that clash is a real and honest opportunity for something totally new to emerge! Granted, showing up can feel uncomfortable and risky. That’s why we start every coaching relationship by helping each team member understand himself and his own patterns. If you don’t understand how you defend, interrupt, and cope to get away from tension, you will continue to interrupt or avoid the gap and the clash.

Once you understand your ME patterns, we encourage you to step forward into the WE and welcome the clash. Our hope is that you can know yourself well enough to see when you are caught in your defenses or you should step out of the way. When you understand that gaps and differences are the greatest opportunity for innovation, you will find the courage and heart to hang in and let your judgments be tested. You’ll consider, listen to, and be influenced by one another, and therein lies great possibility.

Leadership demands a high level of self-mastery, because when you go first, you model vulnerability and curiosity. It takes courage to be real in your leadership role, but holding back or pretending everything is okay stops the flow of creative energy. Open the door to your creative energy and the team’s with openers like this:

“I think we aren’t getting anywhere.”

“I’m not curious or wanting to be influenced right now.”

“I’m not comfortable, but I think this is important. Let’s keep going.”

“I’m not sure any one of us is listening to the other.”

Each of these disclosures demonstrates vulnerability and creates a path for others to follow. It clears the pathway for people to hang in and have faith. Yes, even when I say I’m not curious, I’m being vulnerable and something new can emerge.

When you check out your assumptions and rightness, you can get beyond what you think you know.

Earlier, we introduced our Check It Out! communication model. To get your own copy, download How to Have Tough Conversations at Work at www.Thriveinc.com/beautyofconflict.com.

The model helps facilitate conversations that focus on the gaps between us—our differences. However, as a tool it is only as useful as the intention of those who use it. That’s why communication tools alone are not a solution. Even with helpful tools, our own blind spots get in the way of transformative interactions. Intentions for respectful and polite discussions don’t lead to transformational conversation.

Transformation takes place when there is risk and uncertainty. This is the counterintuitive piece of the equation: are the leader and team willing to risk breaking apart? Is there a playing field in which people can bring all of themselves to the game, lose, and still keep playing while learning from mistakes?

Two internal conflicting drives make these types of transformative conversations difficult:

  1. You want to be your own unique individual—the ME.
  2. You want to fit in, stay connected, and collaborate—the WE.

These conflicting drives create incredible tension inside individuals and between people, yet this is just where creativity is discovered! In these tense moments, ask yourself, “Am I willing…

If the answer to any of those questions is no, you may not seriously be interested in the other. You’re still invested in your reality, being right, and playing it safe. It is important for you to recognize this.

This is the paradox. It’s the magic turning point. When you choose to own just how closed you are and share that out loud, your internal energy shifts.

Suppose that rather than pretend to be interested and listen to the other, you choose to be real and say, “You know, right now I am not that open and curious about you and your ideas.” The energy inside you moves.

You are no longer ignoring your true position. You just said it. You don’t have to pretend or fight it.

This is exactly what keeps the dialogue going. Yes, it is paradoxical. The very act of saying where you are means you are no longer still there. You’re sharing your truth in the moment.

Sometimes the most powerful step is to say, “Right now, I’m not willing to be changed. Will you still let me stay in the game?” Imagine in business being that honest, raw, and real. You want that real honesty on your team. You need that real honesty on your team, and it takes tremendous courage and heart to hang in and be with each other in this way.

We worked with a team whose leader, Kip, was willing to take this courageous step and embrace the clash.

GET REAL

I, CrisMarie, did some executive coaching with Kip, the CEO of a technology company, for about four months. At that point he wanted support to resolve conflict between two of his six executive team members, Lucas, and Jay. Susan and I facilitated a two-day off-site. We were deep into day two, and the team had made significant progress when Donna, VP of Operations, challenged the CEO on the reoccurring issue.

“Look, I’ve heard you say that you want this conflict resolved between Jay and Lucas, but I think you just want Jay, and us, to be okay with Lucas,” Donna said. “You like Lucas and, frankly, you let him do whatever he wants. That’s the real issue.”

Kip immediately jumped in. “Not the case. I will not make Lucas the target here. This is a team issue.”

“Hey, I’m not making Lucas the problem here,” Donna countered. “I’m saying you are the problem.”

Silence.

CrisMarie spoke. “Look, Kip, you agreed to let us step in and give you feedback. I believe you really want to hear from your team. This may be hard, but I think their feedback is crucial to support the development of the WE—your team. Are you interested in hearing it?”

Kip huffed and said, “Yes, of course I’m interested.”

What followed were details from team members about interactions that had occurred over the past six months. In each of the situations, Kip had given Lucas the go-ahead on a new project that crossed other’s areas without getting the buy-in from the other team members.

Kip listened as the team members talked. It was clear from his facial tightness and locked jaw that he wanted to disagree. But he didn’t.

Finally, he said, “I think what you’re saying is that I give Lucas more room, and I don’t include you in the planning of what he’s doing when it’s in your area? Is that the general message?”

Heads nodded. Kip paused, looking at the individuals sitting around the table, thinking.

He took a deep breath and spoke. “Look, Lucas is a fixer and always seems to make the business problem go away, but it makes sense that you would be upset if I have him poking around your areas. I wasn’t thinking of the negative impact to the team.” It was clear Kip and Lucas had created a mini-team and were solving business problems without the rest of the team. While this was good for the two of them, they were stepping on other people’s toes, undermining team members’ authority, and ultimately not helping the business.

The team was visibly relieved to hear Kip acknowledge what was happening.

Then Lucas spoke. “I have to admit, I know you let me do what I want. I haven’t said anything because, quite frankly, I like it.” The rest of the team was surprised by Lucas’s admission. “But I know it has strained my relationships with you, Jay, and the rest of you, (he looked at the rest of the team). Which, I don’t like.”

Jay nodded and said, “Well stop sucking up to the boss then!” Laughter erupted in the room.

This was a powerful display of vulnerability and openness on the part of both Kip and Lucas.

Kip turned to Donna, who had brought up the issue in the first place. “I appreciate that you were willing to voice your opinion,” he said, then turned to Lucas. “While I like the results you get, building a healthy team is critical, and I think we can do both.” Lucas nodded once in understanding.

Kip then turned to the team. “I want you to call me out if you see me assigning Lucas projects that cross into your areas without involving you.”

“Oh, don’t you worry!” Donna chimed in, and laughter ensued.

This simple, real, honest conversation transformed this team, building their WE. It wouldn’t have happened without the willingness of the team to speak up and bring forward their challenging and uncomfortable beliefs about their boss. Nor would it have made an impact if Kip had not been willing to own his ME, which in this case, was his ease in relating to Lucas and desire to do things differently.

The biggest team transformation occurs when the true issues are out on the table. It isn’t easy, and it feels like a clash. These issues are not simply about business or strategy. They are personal or interpersonal. The personal factor is what makes being real feel risky, difficult, and potentially divisive. Still, it is those honest interactions that dramatically impact productivity and creativity.

Next, we’ll give you a simple, concrete, and practical tool to turn around your team’s performance in one hour.