CHAPTER 6

If You Can Learn to Ski, You Can Learn to Use Conflict

Come opening day of ski season on Whitefish Mountain Resort, I (Susan) plan to be skiing. Before I turned fifty, I could count on one hand the number of times I’d been to the ski hill. For years, I’d talked about learning to ski but had always found reasons to let my athletic successes remain in my past rather than risk something new. That is, until CrisMarie gave me ski lessons for Christmas.

There I was, the day after Christmas, in a beginner’s ski class with munchkins who were half my size. These little guys were way more daring and graceful than I, and they had only half the distance to fall. Clearly, I wasn’t skiing because I was a natural. No, I wanted to learn, stretch myself, and discover a new way to connect with my body, my mind, and nature. In two years, I’ve become better, although I’m still humbled when I venture beyond the bunny slopes.

Facing a new challenge is hard. That’s why leaders often elect to stay in their comfort zones and have their teams stay right there with them. The fear of mastering something new prevents reaching for and getting to an individual’s and team’s best next work.

How does this happen? Leaders, and teams as a result, get caught between defending and growing—opting out or opting in. Often, they don’t even notice what’s happening. This presents both a human paradox and a choice point: should you defend the status quo (opt out) or grow (opt in)? For me, that meant: do I stay comfortable in my past successes (stay off the slopes), or grow by trying something new (learn to ski)? I’m glad I chose to opt in.

WELCOME FEAR

The first step to opting in is to understand that you have a choice. The next step is to develop the capacity to tolerate the tension and ambiguity (in other words, conflict), both within yourself and between yourself and others.

One of the greatest barriers to this is fear. Most of us fear conflict. Yes, even the toughest of us. As a result, we avoid it. We discussed avoidance tactics in depth in the previous section. In this chapter, we’ll explore some ways people welcome those fears and engage with conflict.

A necessary stage of risk taking is saying and doing things that may disrupt the good vibes. Speaking up, whether through words or actions, can create distance and awkwardness. Some risky examples include:

• Saying no.
• Giving a teammate feedback on an unproductive behavior.
• Being vulnerable: “I don’t know how to do that,” “I made a mistake,” or “I’m envious of your new role.”
• Interrupting a rambling answer.
• Not participating in gossip between team members.

Moments of discomfort naturally arise when people work together. Most of us avoid confronting and addressing them because we’re afraid of the consequences. We say things like:

“I don’t want to create a problem.”
“I don’t want to look weak.”
“If I bring this up, it will derail our forward progress.”
“I’ll be rude.”
“I don’t want to rock the boat.”

This fear and avoidance of conflict is the human reason why leaders and their teams settle for less than their best and most creative collective work. There is also a business reason.

When something is good, or good enough, it’s human nature to stop taking new risks for fear of putting a damper on productivity. As people try new things, stretch, and make the mistakes that are inherent to reaching the next stage of development, efficiency typically decreases. Stalled productivity is a natural stage of learning, but one that leaders frequently downplay or find surprising.

Imagine you’re leading a project team or business unit that has done great work. You know you have a solid, reliable reputation in your field. You’re enjoying great benefits because of it. Why take a chance of disruption to seek something new?

Business as usual is highly seductive, particularly if that business has solid success. But people doing the same work over and over, even if it’s great work, will get bored. Motivation will suffer. Great leaders know this is the time to take action. But it’s not always easy to step out of your comfort zone to make the necessary changes.

There’s that paradox again! Should you defend the st atus quo (opt out), or grow (opt in)? Should you continue doing what you’ve always done (opt out), or welcome your fears (opt in)?

The creative process demands risks and mistakes. It flows, and it stalls. Handling the flow and stalls requires a tolerance for tension and ambiguity as well as the strength to welcome fear. A creative leader achieves this by trusting that a pause or dip in productivity will end, and something new will emerge.

Tolerating the ups and downs of the creative process is hard enough solo, but even harder on a team. When a team navigates a learning curve, members experience more conflict. They doubt and second-guess themselves and one another. When they keep those doubts and fears underground and unacknowledged, the team members reflect the very fears they want to avoid.

Remember the two magic qualities? To reach creative potential, a team must be vulnerable, which means failing and recovering. The team must be curious about everything that comes to the table. From that, a team’s collective wisdom emerges!

I could have said a polite ‘thanks’ to CrisMarie for the ski lessons and then never ventured to the mountain. When I saw the pint-size skiers in my class, I could have given up then and there. But I didn’t. I faced my fears and pushed myself to do something different. I got a little banged up along the way, but I pushed past it to discover something I now truly love.

Opt in to your fears! Don’t be afraid to fail. Learn how to get back up and go again.

Let’s see exactly how vulnerability and curiosity can help you make the choice to opt in and grow.