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Romance and Intimacy
The Soul of a Marriage
I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.
—Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Guess which chapter of this book was most difficult for me to write? You’re right—this one. While I understand intellectually the concept of romance and the importance it has in a woman’s life, I don’t really understand it psychologically. I don’t get it. But I do know that romance is an essential part of a loving relationship for a woman. Therefore, we men have to make a conscious decision to try to meet this need whether we understand it or not.
And intimacy . . . well, let’s just say it’s not my strongest trait. If I’m being honest, the only time I intentionally get close to being intimate is during sex or those rare moments when my wife and I connect on a deeper metaphysical level. I accidently have episodes of intimate behavior, but in general it makes me pretty uncomfortable. Intimacy requires us to lower our guard, exposing our innermost being. It requires us to be vulnerable, which is diametrically opposed to the way a man typically functions. I was raised with the “old school” admonitions that a man was stoic, endured pain quietly, and did not show his emotions.
And yet, without romance and intimacy our marriages are cold and boring. Lack of romance and intimacy shrivels our wives like succulent roses left in the scorching heat of the unrelenting sun in the desert of a passionless heart. Men who do not intimately and romantically pursue their wives become apathetic, complacent, and overly involved in work or hobbies.
You can be assured that, as a writer, I will always be challenged in the exact areas I am writing about. I’ve had many epiphanies and challenges while writing this book.
After working hard and traveling a great deal for many months, I realized while writing this chapter that I had been neglecting this area of my relationship with my wife. I could see her starting to “wilt on the vine,” so to speak. So I took an entire weekend and planned time together with her. On a sunny Saturday morning, we walked to the local farmers’ market and shopped for fresh produce (and fresh-cut flowers). That evening I took her to a Barn Bash. This longtime local event includes all-you-can-eat BBQ and live music. Hundreds of people attend this event each year. As we arrived amid the swirling activity and noisy buzz of people having a good time out on the town, my wife was transformed into a much younger woman. Her countenance was excited and there was a tremor in her voice as she looked around with a sparkle in her eyes. We spent a fun-filled evening together reconnecting and enjoying each other’s company.
The next morning I took her to the largest antiques and collectibles show west of the Mississippi. We spent over six hours looking at every item known to woman (most of it junk to my mind). But she was thrilled! To her, that kind of an adventure is close to the gates of heaven. To me it’s more like Dante’s ninth circle of hell. Frankly, it was grueling. But I soldiered on and kept a good attitude with a smile on my face because I knew how important it was to her. She was clearly in her element talking with everyone she met and touching every item in each booth. As a reward for my endurance, I did learn about a number of things I never would have known before, such as the history of dental chairs and calendar art, what the steampunk movement is all about, and how to properly shoe a horse like an old-time blacksmith.
Plus we were blessed to meet Karolyn Grimes, the woman who played the littlest daughter Zuzu in the movie It’s a Wonderful Life. She was a very classy and fascinating lady who told us many stories about Jimmy Stewart, Frank Capra, John Ford, and John Wayne. She also worked alongside famous actors like Cary Grant, Loretta Young, Maureen O’Hara, and Bing Crosby. As we left, Suzanne remarked, “That’s a woman I’d like to invite out to dinner sometime.” I wish she would have said that before we left, because I would have!
On our way home, Suzanne was so appreciative of my spending the weekend with her that she couldn’t stop chattering about it. She remarked contentedly, “The best part was, I had your undivided attention. I had you all to myself.”
While I didn’t really do anything other than be “available” and intentional in the time I spent with her, the weekend spoke intimacy and romance into her heart. My taking a small amount of time to plan some things that she was interested in and then “dating” her the entire weekend told her I loved and treasured her.
Passion isn’t just something that floats around and lands on your head like a snowflake. It needs to be tended and nurtured. Otherwise your marriage gets tedious and the fire dies. The embers of passion blink out and only the cold ashes of a once roaring fire are left. As the flames of your early passion die down, you need to bank the coals and turn them into a forge—one that provides life-giving warmth for a long time.
Most of this chapter will be directed toward men, because if you are anything like me, this is the area of marriage you’ll have the most trouble fulfilling your wife’s need for. Why? Because it seems unnatural to our male character and the way we are designed. But once you see the importance to your wife and some ways to help you meet those needs, you too will be blessed with a happy (if talkative) woman on your hands.
Romance
A couple can never drift together; you can only ever drift apart. And unless you’re intentional, you will drift!
—Sheila Wray Gregoire
I frequently tell women to be very choosy when seeking a husband. I encourage them not to “settle” for the first man who comes along and tells them things they need and want to hear. Make sure he has a good work ethic, strong moral character, and treats his parents and those who are weaker than he is and can be of no benefit to him with understanding and compassion.
My advice for most men is much simpler—if you can find a woman who will put up with you, marry her. No, seriously, if a woman makes you want to conquer the world, that’s a pretty good indication that she’s “the one.” Being in love with a woman means you are willing to do all those silly things outside your comfort zone to woo her. You stay up late talking all night, hang on her every word, agree to do things (like ice skating and dancing) that you’d never do if you were in a sane state of mind. It also means you are willing to spend the emotional energy, money, and time to romance her heart. Unfortunately, after we win her heart we tend to revert back to our previous nature. That’s like sitting out the rest of the game after playing a great first quarter. Marriage is a long race. The initial courtship is just the opening sprint.
While men appear to dread a female’s concept of romance, most men will tell you they actually enjoy romance. It’s just that a male’s idea of romance differs from a female’s perspective. The female idea of romance usually involves a male performing in public, which is frightening to most men. It might involve dancing in front of people, proclaiming your love publicly, writing and reading poetry that doesn’t even rhyme, or surprising her with some unexpected yet fantastic gift or preplanned trip. All of those activities put a man at risk for failing or looking ridiculous (especially bad if it’s in front of other people). Additionally, it can be difficult to anticipate what a woman considers romantic. She might think your efforts are silly or even pathetic. And once criticized, many men will never attempt a romantic gesture again.
Dating after you are married is an extremely important part of keeping your relationship alive and vibrant. Interestingly men consider doing things together or playing together as romance. They feel that companionship is romantic and enjoy just spending time with their wife. Because most men are action-oriented, doing things (not talking about things) is far more satisfying than cuddling on the couch and whispering in each other’s ear. They derive great satisfaction through the companionship of their wife. Taking walks together, going hiking, going to the game together, or even going golfing together are all activities a man might find romantic.
Women, on the other hand, don’t often view simply spending time together as romantic. The other day my wife mentioned that we were not dating enough. I protested, “What do you mean? We’ve been doing all kinds of stuff together!”I figured we had been dating nearly every day—we’d been going to some really cool places together. But she responded, “That’s not dating, that’s just going places together.” Her expectation was that it would involve a more formal process of asking her on a date, getting dressed up, and then going somewhere more romantic than the muscle car show or food court.
Also men feel like sex is part of romance. To be romantic and not culminate in having sex feels somehow incomplete to a male. Whereas for women, romance is appreciated in and for itself. A romantic time may culminate in sex, but it doesn’t have to. Most men are highly disappointed in that attitude.
Perhaps because dating and courtship are so easy and fun, we are lulled into a false sense of security that marriage will be just as easy. We become complacent. When we first meet, dating is so fun—you connect with that person, you love spending all evening talking, you relate to that person on a visceral level, you wake up excited to see them later that day. We act that way because hormones are racing through our system—we are actually on drugs!
After we get married, our attention turns to other issues. Part of the challenge with many marriages is that they become “child-focused” instead of “spouse-focused.” Each partner puts their children’s needs ahead of their spouse’s. Author and radio host Jim Burns contends, “What we don’t realize is that child-centered marriages are often weak marriages, and in the long run they hurt the kids more than help them. If your spouse is not getting his or her emotional needs met by you, often he or she will pour all their energy into the children. The end result is an unhealthy marriage relationship.”2
It’s important to court your wife. I’ll admit that I’m not the most romantic guy on the face of the planet. But I at least make an attempt (when I can rally myself out of the recliner).
I would even say that the more chaotic and hectic your life is, the more you need an established date night each week. Busy at work? Kids driving you crazy? Don’t feel like dating your spouse because you’re too stressed? Too bad—go on a date with your spouse anyway. That’s the time you need to date your spouse the most! It doesn’t have to be expensive. Take the kids to Grandma’s for a couple of hours and go sit in the park and talk. Or just lie next to each other on the grass and look up at the stars. Even going to a coffeehouse and sharing a hot cocoa on a winter’s night can be an opportunity to reconnect and nurture your relationship. Find other couples to trade off children on each other’s date nights.
What you don’t want to do is have a marriage fail and look back with regret that if you had just not gotten complacent and had put a little more effort into appreciating your spouse, the marriage and your family could have been saved.
Intimacy
Everyone has a desperate need to be loved. Everyone also wants to be wanted and needs to be needed. But oftentimes we hold back from wanting, needing, or even loving our spouse—at least on a deeper level. Our spouse is just as desperate to trust and to love someone and to have someone love them in return. We hold back because to love or need or want too deeply is to run the risk of being rejected, and no one wants to be rejected. It hurts too badly. The deeper we want or need someone, the deeper the rejection. We all fear rejection and so we emotionally withdraw when we begin to get too close to someone. To be wanted too deeply gives that person (your spouse) power, leverage, even importance in the relationship. So we hold back—we don’t dare to love too deeply for fear of being hurt, or controlled, or taken advantage of.
Young couples today are especially susceptible to this emotional restraint. Psychologist and author Dr. Laura Schlessinger says,
With so many of their parents divorcing—often multiple times—young people are afraid of hurt and loss so they “play” with intimacy without really risking much in the hope that they can create “safe love,” only to discover that such a situation doesn’t exist and that they feel desperately lonely.4
Intimacy is about letting yourself go—becoming vulnerable enough to allow yourself to be known to your spouse. Intimacy ebbs and flows throughout an ongoing relationship—sometimes becoming richly deeper and other times shallow and cold. Young couples reading this might think, I don’t want a marriage that is shallow and cold! But that is normal occasionally. You cannot run passionately hot continuously—you will burn up!
Some of you reading this might think your marriage is too far gone to change. But the old saying “it takes two” doesn’t apply here. It takes two to keep your marriage the same; it only takes one to change it.5
Part of becoming intimate with your spouse involves touching. The human skin is a very sensitive organ. Touching each other generates feelings of calmness, lowers stress, and creates intimacy between two people. A warm touch releases the wellness hormone oxytocin and reduces levels of the stress hormone cortisol, prompting people to feel better and be more cooperative.6 Studies have shown that hand-holding actually creates physical intimacy among married couples and even lowers blood pressure and reduces stress in hospital patients.7
A pastor friend of mine started a program several years ago here in the Pacific Northwest called Compassion Connect. Their objective is focused on offering free health care and other service resources to the uninsured, underinsured, and homeless community of Portland. It is their mission to bring healing and transformation through compassionate service to the community. They do this by gathering hundreds of volunteers, including medical and dental professionals, hairstylists, and other community service providers, and basically providing free medical and dental services on site that this community does not normally have access to. They host dozens of these events around the Western states, serving tens of thousands of people.
Frequently I will serve at a booth that provides education regarding the fatherhood programs that I am involved with. At the last event our booth was next to the haircutting area. I noticed that the hair stylists were cutting the homeless people’s hair using their bare hands (with no rubber gloves). At first, I’m ashamed to say, I was a bit repulsed. But as I watched further an amazing thing happened. The stylists spent as much time rubbing the scalp, petting the hair, and gently caressing the faces of their clients as they did actually cutting their hair. Amazingly, even the most agitated and aggressive clients became very calm and relaxed. Touch had a soothing effect upon them. I realized that what the stylists were doing was giving these people their dignity back by touching them. That small amount of skin-to-skin contact made them feel human again and welcomed them back into the community of people. It was an astonishing illustration of the remarkable power of human touch. Even more remarkable was watching the volunteers wash the homeless people’s feet. Many had sores and were filthy. Yet the volunteers, with grace and dignity, knelt and washed their feet while praying for them just as Jesus would have all of us do. The looks of joy and contentment on the faces of the clients were priceless.
The next time you are struggling with your spouse, reach over and take their hand. Guys, maybe even kiss the back of your wife’s hand. Better yet hug each other—multiple times a day. That human contact is a better stress reducer than a tranquilizer. Human beings need human touch from another human. Babies who do not get held enough die—it’s called Failure to Thrive Syndrome. Don’t let your love die from lack of touching one another.
Many people think good communication leads to intimacy—and communication is a part of healthy intimacy. But communication alone does not lead to intimacy. Many couples communicate messages to one another that are very clearly understood but are hard to hear or accept, like angry accusations, criticisms, or complaints. They are communicating very effectively, but they aren’t developing intimacy.
Dr. Schnarch elaborates:
Intimacy is often misunderstood as necessarily involving acceptance, validation, and reciprocity from one’s partner—because that’s what many people want if they’re going to disclose important personal information. But intimacy is not the same as closeness, bonding, or caretaking (all of which bring comfort by emphasizing togetherness, continuity, and shared history). Intimacy is an “I-Thou”experience. It involves the inherent awareness that you’re separate from your partner, with parts yet to be shared.8
In relationships, you get what you give. At some point in your marriage there will be times when one spouse feels like they are giving more than the other. And truthfully there may be people married to an unhealthy spouse who is only capable of taking and not giving. But generally we reap what we sow in relationships. Your marriage is a living entity and needs to be nourished just like your body needs nourishment in order to continue functioning.
There’s an old joke that goes like this: Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob went straight over to Joe’s place, arriving the same time Joe got home. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug, and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for dinner, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her, and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he’d started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn’t be better.
Bob thought he’d give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her, and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, “This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the laundry room. And now, you come home drunk!”
Clearly, this was a woman bereft of intimacy in her life.
When you go through a valley, it’s important to remember that it’s normal and you will come out of it. Don’t overreact. Stay the course. The payoffs are well worth it.
—Michele Weiner-Davis
When I grew up, my parents (especially my mother) thought it was great fun to use vicious words, putdowns, and cruel jokes at the expense of another to “win” discussions and disagreements. The person who could criticize or “cut-down” the other the most decisively was a winner and the recipient of praise. But winner and loser both were psychologically cut to shreds by the verbal swordplay (besides, a parent with better communication skills always won). Having grown up this way, I just naturally assumed this was the way normal people related to each other. Imagine my surprise when Suzanne refused to play these sarcastic “games” and in fact insisted they were unhealthy. Of course she was right, but it took awhile for me to understand the damage they do to each person. It took even longer to come to an understanding with my mother regarding appropriate boundaries around my new family.
This type of verbal gamesmanship may have been one reason why my parents’ marriage failed. Certain attitudes or behaviors are pretty reliable predictors of divorce. These attitudes include criticism, contempt, invalidation, withdrawal, avoidance, and escalation of negative responses.
Being critical of your spouse does nothing but create negative responses and poor self-esteem. We already know that the words of a spouse have great capacity to either wound or empower. Using those words critically is psychologically the same as abusing someone physically. Name-calling is particularly destructive. Besides, being around negative people is emotionally and physically draining.
Contempt is one step beyond being negative. Being contemptuous of your spouse is similar to hating them. Nothing poisons a person’s soul faster than a partner who has contempt for them. Being contemptuous is actively trying to destroy them.
Invalidating your spouse is also highly destructive. It means you think so little of them that nothing they say or do matters or is important.
Withdrawing and avoidance are passive-aggressive behaviors that are nearly as destructive as overt behaviors like being critical and negative. Generally these behaviors signal the end of a relationship. It means the spouse doesn’t care enough anymore to even fight back.
Doing all of the behaviors cited above to a child would eventually destroy that child. What do you think it will do to a marriage? Also, what do children learn when they observe this kind of behavior in a marriage?
Another sign of a struggling marriage is when one or both spouses lie to each other. If you are going to have a deeply intimate relationship with someone, you cannot lie. You cannot lie to them—period. Intimacy is built on trust. The very foundation of trust is the knowledge that you can depend on that person to always be truthful. To my knowledge, my wife has never lied to me. It’s one of the reasons I like her so much—I know she is not deceitful to me. I never have to question it when she says something to me. I never need to wonder about her motives or if she has a hidden agenda. And I’ve never knowingly lied to her. Now, it’s likely over the years she has omitted saying something or even embellished events in order not to hurt my feelings (I know I have with her occasionally), but there was never malice or deceit in her intent. I trust her. I trust her with everything in my life: finances, parenting, my career, and most of all my heart. How can you possibly trust your heart to someone whom you can’t trust to be truthful?
I know several young couples who routinely lie to each other—sometimes over items that don’t even need to be lied about! It’s clear to me that these couples’ marriages are in trouble and doomed to fail if they don’t begin trusting one another enough to be truthful.
Also, as we’ve already discussed, don’t try to change your spouse. It won’t work and you’ll just get frustrated. You probably already know that you cannot change another person—only yourself. I’ve found when I work on becoming the type of person I want to be (regardless of how my spouse acts), not only am I happier, but oftentimes my spouse changes in response to the changes she sees in me—frequently for the better! If you are frustrated with your relationship, try working on being the kind of person you are proud of and feel good about. That’s a proactive response. Otherwise you are allowing another’s actions or opinions to dictate how you feel about yourself, which only leads to more frustration and feelings of hopelessness. Besides, it’s not your job to fix your spouse—only to fix yourself.
If you or your spouse are trapped in the habit of relating to each other in any of these ways, I encourage you to get into counseling as soon as possible. Recognizing and understanding destructive behaviors is the first step in overcoming them. That’s not only healthy for our marriage but for our spouses, our children, and ourselves.
The biggest predictors of a long-term successful marriage are couples who have fun together and those who are friends with each other. Most people (even those in relationships) are starved for emotional closeness and connectedness. While sex is important to a relationship, affection, warmth, and encouragement may be even more important factors to long-term success. Having fun together is one of the biggest ingredients of intimacy in a marriage. One of the strongest traits of healthy families is the ability to play together.9
In other words, you need to be good friends with your spouse in order to have a healthy, successful marriage. Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. In order to last for the long haul you have to be friends with your mate or you’ll never make it. Do you and your spouse still go to the traveling carnival together? How about something silly like midnight bowling? What about finding other couples to play card games with? Men bond strongest with those they have physical experiences with, and women develop intimacy through experiences with loved ones. Doing things together builds friendship and promotes intimacy.
It’s important to laugh together and enjoy each other’s company. Couples who invest in each other’s lives have more satisfying and enjoyable relationships. The times when Suzanne and I are laughing our heads off with each other (usually about something no one else would “get”) are the best times of our marriage.
Find other couples to befriend and do things with each other as families. Sometimes it is difficult finding other couples who enjoy the same things and have the same value system as you do, but it’s important to have friends to share life with. It’s also important for your children to be exposed to other adults and family rituals. These adults can help reinforce the same values in your children that you are trying to establish.
But that said, we need to be careful about the kind of people we hang around with and allow to influence our children. Too many affairs happen between a spouse and the other spouse’s best friend.
Qualities that reflect a good relationship include plenty of positive “put-ups” or compliments. In humans it takes upwards of ten affirming comments to offset one critical one. Too often we get in the bad habit of neglecting our spouses when they are the ones we should be most lifting up with our words. I realized one day that while I was making a concerted effort to be the kind of boss who says uplifting comments to his employees, I was virtually ignoring that rule within my own family. Even though it felt somewhat “contrived” at first, I began making an intentional effort to start using my words to lift up my family. It was amazing to see how quickly they responded! They shyly accepted my compliments at first (I suspect they wanted to see if I was sincere), but quickly began to be eager and grateful to receive them as they kept coming. But this is a habit I have to remain vigilant on even today. My wife deserves way more compliments than I give her. I often think nice things about her, but seldom express them as often as I should.
Compassion and Empathy
Happiness comes from being the best person you can be—someone you are proud to be. It cannot depend upon the kind of person our partner is or what they do for us. We attain fulfillment by growing and changing ourselves, not our spouse. Then we are not dependent upon the type of person our spouse chooses to become.
I try to focus on being a better husband rather than wishing I had a better wife. Generally, the type of husband I am reflects back to me in the type of wife I get. When a person is a Christian, they grow by living faithfully for God. The truth is, if I yearn for a different partner, I am absolutely correct—I do need a different partner. But it’s not my spouse’s fault, it’s me. I need to change. When I change, I’ll have a new spouse.10
When your children are grown and gone from the house, you will either be left with your spouse or be alone. By committing resources to your marriage throughout the child-rearing years, you work toward a relationship you’ll both enjoy after the kids leave. Also we cannot control the choices our adult children make. Sometimes they make poor choices or even reject their parents. In those circumstances it’s nice to know you have a husband or wife to depend on and stand by your side.
Is it easy to focus on keeping romance alive? No. Is it worth it? Yes!
Intimacy-Building Tips for Romancing Your Spouse