“Your sexual fantasies are normal and harmless. Don’t worry about them. Just relax and enjoy.”
This was the standard line I was taught more than twenty years ago in postgraduate training. It was considered the best advice sex therapists could give women who asked questions about their sexual fantasies. Back then, when sex therapy was still a relatively new field, it felt permissive and positive to encourage women to fantasize in order to improve their sexual response. The common wisdom was “If it leads to orgasm, it’s got to be good.”
This permissive, sex-positive view challenged entrenched and more judgmental attitudes about sexual thought. It was Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, who laid the groundwork for being ashamed or afraid of fantasies with his earlier assertion “A happy person never phantasizes, only an unsatisfied one.” It didn’t matter that he had long since been proven wrong. Numerous studies during the 1970s and 1980s showed that nearly everyone fantasizes about sex. Nonetheless, some researchers in the mental health field continued to investigate sexual fantasies as potentially serious business, even a predictor of criminal behavior or symptom of pathology. Many early studies labeled and sorted sexual fantasies according to the so-called perversion of the fantasizer.
These conflicting views of sexual fantasy left a lot of room for confusion. Was sexual fantasy fluff or was it heavy and dangerous? And how does it affect us?
When Nancy Friday published My Secret Garden in 1973, she broke new ground by recording women’s entertaining and boldly sexual fantasies.1 This popular anthology proved that women do think about sex, in all sorts of interesting ways. I added her book to my library of erotica, which I used to loan out to clients who wanted some new ideas to fuel their own fantasies. But in my personal life, and in the stories I was hearing from many women clients, it was becoming evident that sexual fantasies were more complex than either Freud or the early sex therapists had imagined. They could be a source of pain as well as pleasure.
During the 1980s, I began to specialize in working with survivors of sexual abuse and other sexual trauma. I wrote The Sexual Healing Journey (1992) to describe my approach for healing the sexual problems caused by abuse. In my book, I briefly addressed the concerns that some survivors had experienced with unwanted sexual fantasies. I was amazed by the reaction. I began receiving immediate feedback from survivors, from other therapists, and from women I’d never met before who drew me aside at workshops or lectures to ask questions about their own sexual fantasies. I didn’t have all the answers, but I began to suspect that there was a significant connection between our fantasies and our life experiences.
Intrigued, I pored through books and articles on the general topic of women’s sexual fantasies. Although I had heard men express similar concerns and questions about fantasies, I focused specifically on women because the issues they were raising were more reflective of my clinical experience and expertise. I was disappointed to find that most of the existing research failed to address the specific questions women wanted answered. There was little information about where fantasies come from and only a cursory exploration of how and why women’s and men’s fantasies differ. None of the studies that I found paid attention to the individual history of the fantasizer herself or how she felt about the contents of her erotic imagination. That struck me as ironic. How could we begin to understand a woman’s fantasy if we leave the woman herself out of the picture?
I started to suspect that the full, complex range of female erotic thought had been overlooked or overly simplified in social science, popular culture, and even pornography. Women’s fantasies seemed far more multidimensional and interesting than anyone previously imagined.
For the next five years, I explored the subject of women’s sexual fantasies from many different angles. I discussed fantasies with dream experts, religious educators, and other therapists in the sexuality field. I conducted clinical research to find the answers I couldn’t find elsewhere. I listened closely and paid more attention to the sexual fantasy problems my clients brought up in therapy.
As my knowledge grew, I started offering workshops for women who wanted to heal unwanted sexual fantasies and learn new tools for exploring the contents and erotic power of their sexual thoughts. The more I learned about sexual fantasies, the more I became impressed with how much we all can learn by looking more closely into our fantasy life.
Sexual fantasy is an intimate world where mind, body, and emotion come together. Like dreams, our fantasies can tap into the unconscious and express deep-seated desires or conflicts. They often speak to us in a symbolic language. They don’t have to obey laws of physics or stay within the bounds of common sense. And also like dreams, fantasies can range from delightful and uplifting to troublesome and nightmarish.
By daring to explore the meaning of our erotic thoughts, we can gain incredible insights about ourselves. Understanding our fantasies can help us enjoy better sex lives, better relationships, and improved self-esteem. Knowing more about how fantasies work can leave us feeling more free and less inhibited in our own imagination. Not only do we have the power to create fantasies of infinite variety, but we can be empowered by them.
In recent years, I’ve been eager to share the exciting information I have been learning. In fact, I’ve become passionate about opening up this area so we all can feel more permission to talk about sexual fantasies and learn from each other’s experiences.
My friend and coauthor, Suzie Boss, a journalist, has helped me extend my research to include a wide cross section of women. In a large new study we conducted specifically for this book, we gathered detailed information from more than one hundred women about their sexual fantasies. We deliberately took an informal, anecdotal approach rather than using a more traditional or scientific research model. Some of our subjects submitted lengthy questionnaires. Others talked with us in personal interviews. All of them were given an open-ended invitation to share their stories, woman to woman.
Knowing that women’s fantasies can reflect different life experiences, Suzie and I actively sought a diverse population. Thus, the stories in this book come from women of varied ages, races, occupations, ethnic backgrounds, religions, sexual orientations, relationship statuses, and sexual histories. Some women have been faithful to one partner for a lifetime while others have enjoyed casual sex with more lovers than they can count. A few work in the world of sexual fantasy for a living, including a phone sex operator, a stripper, and a professional dominatrix. The group includes women who have lost breasts to cancer, were raised in a foreign country, have physical disabilities, or a history of sexual abuse.
Once women were given an opportunity for sharing and a chance to learn more about themselves, they often opened up to this personal topic quickly, candidly, and with humor. Many women got a kick out of telling us about their unusual and unconventional objects of desire—including such surprises as the curly-haired comedian Gene Wilder, former Disney Mouseketeer Annette Funicelo, cave-dwelling gargoyles, and chocolate-covered eclairs. A few women became emotional during interviews when they recognized the significance of what their fantasies were really saying to them. Many women made insights that would have remained hidden if they hadn’t learned to look at their fantasies more consciously.
This book is based primarily on the stories Suzie and I collected, but it also includes information gathered from my early research, clinical work, and fantasy workshops. Although we’ve written the book for women, we know that men will also find valuable information about themselves and their intimate partners.
We’ve designed this book to be both entertaining and informative. We know that people will read it for a variety of reasons. You may be reading out of curiosity about a subject that’s been in the dark for too long. You may seek a vicarious thrill from listening to women’s juiciest sexual secrets. Perhaps you want to actively use this material to answer questions or concerns you have about your fantasy life or that of a partner.
Our goal has been to offer you an opportunity to develop a rich and dynamic understanding of women’s sexual fantasies. In the following chapters you’ll learn a new way of exploring fantasies that emphasizes a woman’s personal experience. You’ll find out how you can benefit from using an exciting new language for describing fantasies, investigating the early sources of your sexual thoughts, recognizing your own sexual style, and evaluating the pros and cons of how particular sexual fantasies operate in your life. You’ll learn how other women have been able to gain personal wisdom from tracing the evolution of their fantasies and analyzing them closely to unlock their hidden meaning.
Later in the book you’ll hear more in-depth stories, coupled with strategies and techniques to address the specific fantasy issues many women share. You’ll hear how women can successfully transform and eliminate troublesome and unwanted sexual fantasies. You’ll learn how sexual fantasies can affect your intimate relationship and whether it’s wise to share your fantasies with a lover. With all this information, you’ll have what you need to create new fantasies that you love.
As you read women’s stories and come upon the questions and lists in this book, you may want to pay close attention to your own responses. By noticing your reactions, you can gain important clues and information about your sexuality and your own fantasy life.
The women who explore their fantasies with us in the following pages are our pathfinders in this fascinating garden of desire. They help illuminate the universal truths about women’s sexual fantasies and teach us not to be afraid or ashamed of this subject. Listening to their stories, we discover the answers to our own questions. Along with understanding where fantasies originate, what they mean, and how they can lead to better sex, we are assured that the realm of sexual fantasy is safe, open, and valuable for all of us to explore.
Wendy Maltz
Eugene, Oregon