EIGHT

FORGIVING AND FESSING UP

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Forgiveness. It's just one of those words that doesn't always evoke warm fuzzies—unless, of course, we're talking about the forgiveness extended to ourselves. It's kind of like the word mortgage. While we all want to qualify for a loan so we can get our cute little house, we also know that we're gonna be writing a big fat check every month. Likewise, we all want to qualify for forgiveness, but on the other hand, it's quite costly. You see, when we receive forgiveness, we must also be willing to give it.

Whether we like the thought of forgiving people or not, it is something God absolutely requires. He requires forgiveness because it represents a total trust in Him. A trust that He will take complete and total care of the wrongs that have been done to us—including dealing with those who have hurt us. And trusting someone with all of that isn't always easy.

NO DENYING IT

It's important to take a look at what God has to say about forgiveness—just in case we're tempted to minimize its role in our lives.

Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18:21–22)

Seventy times seven was Jesus’ way of saying “forgive forever.” And notice that Jesus doesn't put any disclaimers on it such as “unless someone has made a fool of you,” or “unless someone steals something extremely precious.” No. It's just “you must forgive, and you must forgive forever.”

And how about this one:

And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4:30–32)

We see here that God isn't asking us to do anything He hasn't done first. He's forgiven us, which gives Him the credibility to ask us to do the same. With kindness and love, He asks us to travel a road with which He's personally familiar. He knows the way is good.

We also see in those verses that our bitterness, anger, and ill will toward one another actually grieve the Holy Spirit. It distresses Him. It makes Him heavy hearted and sorrowful. Our lack of forgiveness thus works against us. We definitely don't want to hurt the heart of the very One whose help we need the most. No, we need as much of God as we can get since hope and healing come from Him.

WHAT IF I DON'T FORGIVE?

So, right now you might be thinking, “Okay, I get that I'm being asked to forgive, but what happens if I don't?” It's a good question, kind of like asking, “What happens if I don't pay my mortgage?” And the honest answer is, you will be able to enjoy your cute little house just long enough to decorate the rooms, but if you refuse to pay long enough, legal action will be taken against you.

It's the same with forgiveness. Once we've accepted the forgiveness God extends to us, He allows us to enjoy it—to thrill at the thought that we've been given such an amazing gift. And then He asks us to pay. No, He doesn't ask us to pay for our own forgiveness. It really is a free gift. But He asks us to forgive in return. It is costly, but if we choose not to do it, we will pay a much greater price.

FREEBIRD AND THE KING

There's a great example of this in the Bible. It's from Matthew 18.

In the story there was a king who had some servants who owed him lots of money (let's say tens of thousands of dollars). He was putting them all in jail for the debt, when one of the servants had the nerve to appeal to the mercy of the king. He begged, “Please don't do this. I will repay you.” He must have been really convincing, because the king not only lets him out of going to jail, but forgives the entire debt and sends him on his merry way.

Now, this forgiven servant (we'll call him Freebird for short) enjoys his freedom for a while and then decides he's gonna call in some debts that are owed to him. Freebird has this person who owes him something like a hundred bucks, and he demands to be paid immediately. Of course, the guy begs for time to pay (just as Freebird himself did from the king), but he is denied it. Freebird sends this guy to debtor's prison. No mercy.

Now, what do you think happens when the king hears about this? Well, he is furious. In fact, this is what he says to Freebird: “You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?” (verses 32–33). The king was so angry that the Bible says he delivered Freebird not to jail, but to the torturers until he would pay back his original debt in full. (Can you say clipped wings?)

Here's the real kicker. Right after Jesus gets done telling Peter this whole story, He says this in verse 35: “So my heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.” Ouch!

ISN'T THAT KIND OF HARSH?

If you're like me, you read those words spoken by Jesus and wonder, “Does God really deliver us to torturers just because we won't forgive? I mean, come on. That doesn't seem fair.” I agree, it does seem tough…at first. But, let's take a closer look.

I think it's safe for me to assume that we're all okay with the beginning of the story, right? We'd all agree that we—like Freebird—have been forgiven much. I know I have. I was (and still am) in desperate need of mercy.

And I think we'd all agree that Freebird was being a huge jerk when he refused to forgive the guy who owed him so very little. What a creep, huh? (We would never do that…would we?) In fact, I think we probably all feel a little sense of justice when Freebird gets delivered to the torturers. After all, doesn't he deserve it? (Hey, pass me one of those sharp pokers.)

But then God turns the spotlight onto us, and this is where we stop liking the story. He compares us directly to Freebird—like we're being as big a jerk as he was when we don't forgive—and this is where confusion can set in if we don't remember the heart of our Father.

At this point we've got to pan out for a broader view. We've got to think of the full nature of God, and not just focus on a close-up of Jesus saying (in a cynical tone, of course) “You're going to the torturers!” (followed by evil chuckle). This is not what's going on here.

We've got to think this one through. First, remember, we believe that God is good, don't we? I hope you answered yes. And if God is good (in fact the epistle writer defines God as love in 1 John 4:8), would He ever ask us to do something that isn't good for us? Of course not.

When He asks us to forgive, He's got our best interest in mind. In fact, not forgiving is very harmful to us.

Think of it this way: If your child, or a child you love, was doing something that was bad for her—in fact could hurt her for the rest of her life—wouldn't you do anything to stop it? What if the only thing that would work was allowing circumstances to get a bit uncomfortable for her for a while? Maybe even painful? Would you do it? It takes an amazing amount of love for someone to make a decision like that because most often, allowing uncomfortable circumstances in a child's life means accepting them for ourselves too. (Nothing fun about watching a grounded child mope around the house.)

God loves us enough to let circumstances become as uncomfortable as it takes. He will even allow us to be delivered to torturers if that's how stubborn we insist on being. And though He does not want us to be there, because of His great love for us He will allow us to sit in debtor's jail a while.

THE TORTURERS

When you close your eyes and imagine the torturers, what do you see? I picture the monstrous evil characters from Middle Earth in The Lord of the Rings. I see massive bodies covered with calcified warts topped off with one-eyed heads that ooze pus and sweat. But that's not really what they are.

The torturers aren't that frightening, or else we would spend as little time with them as we possibly could. No, the torturers we deal with are far more subtle. In fact, it can take years to recognize them.

ENTITLEMENT

Let me tell you about some of my former torturers, so you can get an idea of how they work. The first one was Entitlement. I suffered under the hands of this taskmaster for many years, for it is so convincing in its approach. What Entitlement tells us is so easy to believe because it appeals to our selfish nature—any of our orphan thinking that might be hanging around. Here's what Entitlement told me:

ENTITLEMENT: You have a total right to be bitter…and angry.

FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: I do, don't I?

ENTITLEMENT: You're darn straight. No one should say things like that about you. Until she apologizes to you properly, she doesn't deserve anything from you.

FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: That's right! No one's going to treat me that way.

See, it looks so fair—so right—on the surface. But really, it's a trap. A trap to stay stuck in pride and selfish living. To stay stuck in an “all-about-me” mindset rather than an “all-about-Him” life of freedom.

SELF-PITY

Here's another of my torturers: Self-pity. Self-pity and Entitlement often work together as a team.

SELF-PITY: You've really had to endure a lot of hardship in your life, haven't you?

FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: Yes, I really have. (Deep sigh.)

SELF-PITY: No one really understands your pain, do they?

FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: Not really. How did you know?

SELF-PITY: Oh, I just know. No one really cares either, do they? They're all content to go on with their happy lives and let you writhe in your pain.

FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: I know. If people only knew how many tears I cry each day. Nobody likes me.

VICTIM MENTALITY

Maybe you'll recognize my next torturer: Victim Mentality.

VICTIM MENTALITY: I can't believe you're able to get out of bed in the mornings. After all, you have been abused at every turn.

FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: I know. But shouldn't I be doing more in my life?

VICTIM MENTALITY: No! How can you expect any more out of yourself? My gosh! Most people don't ever experience that kind of abuse. You're doing just fine. Just fine.

FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: But doesn't the Bible tell me I can do great things because of Jesus?

VICTIM MENTALITY: It does, but you were abused! You're a graduate from the school of very, very hard knocks. You can't forget that.

BITTERNESS

Or how about my next torturer: Bitterness?

BITTERNESS: I just can't imagine that there is a fire hot enough for all of those people to burn in.

FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: I totally agree.

BITTERNESS: Truth be told, I think they should have to pay for each and every thing they've done to you. Chinese water torture perhaps?

FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: Yeah, and sleep deprivation. That will show them. They will pay.

UNFORGIVENESS IS STRESS

Living with these torturers is not really living. Though they can seem to be on our side, these mental strongholds truly subject us to a slow death—keeping us from joy, peace, and the experience of giving and receiving real love. The torturers keep us securely locked in unforgiveness.

In their book, The Quick-Reference Guide to Biblical Counseling, Drs. Tim Clinton and Ron Hawkins say this about this prison: “Unforgiveness is a cancer that eats away at the very soul of a person.”12

Not only does refusing to forgive others affect our emotional life, but there have been scientific studies conducted that connect unforgiveness with poor physical health. According to one report, “The core components of unforgiveness (e.g., anger, hostility, blame, fear) have been associated with health and disease outcomes.”13 In studies like this, unforgiveness is considered a stressor in our lives, and can be just as responsible for stress-related diseases as our Post-it-Note-covered refrigerators are.

JAIL BREAK: FORGIVENESS

Now most stressors in our life can be dealt with by adding a few hours of peaceful stretching into the schedule here and there. Not so with unforgiveness. This one requires a different commitment—a heart-level commitment. It requires a willingness to listen to what God is trying to tell us and to move toward trusting Him with all we can of our hearts. After taking a good look at the alternative, doesn't this seem the healthier choice?

It was easier for me to become willing to forgive when I learned a bit more about what forgiveness really means. For many years I falsely believed that by forgiving someone I was saying that what they did to me was okay and that I had to actually like the person afterward. But, that's not what forgiveness is. In fact, God himself is never okay with the wrongs done to us. He has some pretty harsh words for those who hurt His children:

But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea. (Mark 9:42)

Taking steps toward forgiveness is so much easier when we know what it does and does not mean.

FORGIVENESS DOES NOT MEAN:

FORGIVENESS DOES MEAN:

THE WORST OFFENDER FIRST

For me, forgiveness started with the worst offender first—the one whose abuse had caused years and years of pain in my life: my uncle. It might be a different journey for you, but I'll tell you…for me, getting that one over with first made the rest seem like a downhill ride.

Let me say this…forgiving my uncle happened in stages, and they weren't all easy. Most importantly, I couldn't have done it without believing with all my heart that God would deal with the man. Even now, even after experiencing the freedom of forgiving him, the justice bone in me finds peace in knowing that one day my uncle will have to settle that account with God. But I won't have to be a part of that conversation. My part has been settled.

The most powerful part of forgiving my uncle was supernatural. The Holy Spirit had to do some pretty serious stretching of my thinking process to get me through it. He had to help me see some things through His eyes because mine were blinded by my pain.

The forgiveness that I eventually was able to grant from my heart (as Jesus asks us to) started its journey in my head. And just as it had happened so many times before, this session with the Mighty Counselor required a journey back in time—even before my time.

MIGHTY COUNSELOR: Teasi, do you think you've fully forgiven your uncle?

FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: I don't know. I guess so.

MIGHTY COUNSELOR: Well, what do you feel when you think of him?

FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: I feel sort of sick to my stomach. My stomach gets tight.

MIGHTY COUNSELOR: It doesn't look to me like forgiveness has taken its full course yet.

FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: You're probably right.

MIGHTY COUNSELOR: Do you want it to? (Always the gentleman.)

FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: Yes, I do. I want to be completely free.

MIGHTY COUNSELOR: Okay, good. That's what I want for you too. Are you willing to consider something you've never considered before?

FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: Yes, anything.

MIGHTY COUNSELOR: Okay, I want you to picture a little boy around five years old, about the age of your boy. Can you see him? He's got cute cheeks.

FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: Yes, I see him.

MIGHTY COUNSELOR: See him playing with a little toy—his favorite. His smile fades as he looks up at the door to his room. His father is standing there. The little boy cowers against the side of his bed hoping to disappear into the folds of his quilt, but it doesn't work. Dad comes for him after locking the door, and for the next hour the little boy is abused—in every way you can imagine.

FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: That's horrible. I can't believe a dad would do that to his own child.

MIGHTY COUNSELOR: Just before his dad leaves the room, he looks into the boy's scared little eyes and says, “This is all your fault. If you weren't such a freak I wouldn't have to do this stuff to you. You make me sick.” The boy is left with a scarred body and a scarred heart. The boy is left with a lie.

FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: My heart is broken for that boy. Oh, my gosh. That's horrible. (Tears.)

MIGHTY COUNSELOR: That boy grew up believing he was a freak, and he began to believe other lies, as well. He started to believe that the only way he would ever be loved, ever be touched, was if he got that love from children. Adults were far too scary.

FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: Oh, God, is that my uncle?

MIGHTY COUNSELOR: Not exactly, but it is a story much like his. Your uncle was a young boy who at one time was very wounded, and at another time believed a lie about himself, and that lie grew. That lie eventually hurt you. It's one of those lies that destroys generations of my precious people.

FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: I see.

MIGHTY COUNSELOR: I know it's a huge, huge thing to ask, but do you think you can let me deal justly with the pain that was inflicted upon you? Can you give that boy over to me? That is forgiveness. I know this is requiring a lot of trust from you.

FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: I trust you. I choose to give him to you. I can forgive.

TURNED OVER TO THE AUTHORITY

The Holy Spirit knew exactly how to help me turn my case over to the Father's court where He would litigate the matter. It's what He wants to do for all of us. Look at this: “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Ps. 147:3).

What's important about this verse is that the phrase “binds up” has a multilayered definition in the Hebrew language. It can mean not only to compress or wrap firmly, but also to govern over. So it seems God is saying that He not only wants to heal our broken hearts, but He wants to govern over the case. As the ultimate authority, He wants to deal with every aspect of our wounds—the healing and dealing with those who have hurt us.

Jesus, undeniably the most unfairly wounded and abused person to ever live, understood this important part of His destiny:

[Jesus] who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously. (1 Peter 2:23)

Jesus did not take vengeance into His own hands, when He most certainly had the power to do so. He committed it all to the Father. And if He trusted the Father to govern over His wounds, we can do the same in His strength. Jesus Himself tells us so:

Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do, because I go to My Father. (John 14:12)

The Father has made every provision for us to be able to forgive. He fully understands our pain and never belittles it, but He knows what we need to do in order to be free from its continued power over us. He loves us enough to bring about the highest justice on our behalf.

ELECTIVE SURGERY

Now, I know there is a lot more to the story of my uncle's life than what I was able to imagine. I know there is a lot of personal responsibility at play too. That young wounded boy grew up to be a man who knew right from wrong…and he chose wrong. I see that now. But I also know that wounded people wound people. And somehow God's overwhelming mercy became just contagious enough for me to catch. That mercy became my get-out-of-jail card. It wasn't a get-out-of-jail-free card. Not at all. As you know, it cost this little girl quite a lot. Giving forgiveness to someone who had hurt me so deeply was like undergoing elective surgery with no anesthesia. But it brought me new life.

GUILT BY ASSOCIATION

Then there are those we need to forgive who are guilty only by association. For me this would be my parents and my aunt (the wife of my abuser). For you it might be a teacher, a sibling, or a best friend—anyone you felt could have done something to rescue you from your pain, even if they didn't realize they could have.

While many of these people didn't purposely or directly wound us, and some may not even realize we've been wounded at all, they are participants in the trauma, and forgiving them is an often overlooked part of full healing. It's easy to feel unmerciful and even selfish when we admit to needing to forgive those who didn't intentionally hurt us. It's also common to be afraid of what might happen to those relationships if we open up to our true feelings. But it is essential that we take this step. If left hidden in the dark, that need to forgive can begin to grow the moldy roots of bitterness. We really must trust God with knowing that He will protect the relationships we love so much. It's about our freedom.

OUR OWN GUILT

Our next step requires us to take an even closer look at sin—only this time, our own. The people who hurt us are not the only guilty ones. Along the way, there have been people we've hurt too. Even though we are not responsible for the wounds that have been inflicted upon us, we are responsible for the way we've lived as a result of those hurts. Sometimes we've hurt others simply out of our own pain, but no matter the reason for our actions we truly need to be forgiven.

I'll start by sharing a little about some of my own sin and by saying that I am so thankful God has loved me enough to walk me through my journey in stages I could handle. There is no way I would have been ready to face it all before I felt completely loved, healed, adopted, and forgiven. In His gentleness and goodness God waited until I could handle it, and then He sat me in front of the mirror…a three-way mirror…with fluorescent lighting. You know the kind I'm talking about, don't you? (Thank you, department stores.)

JUDGE NOT

I'm going to start with a scripture to set the stage:

Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you. (Luke 6:37–38)

What this section of Scripture is saying is that when we plant some bad apple seeds, we really shouldn't be surprised when some time later we get some bad apples (the law of sowing and reaping). It is a spiritual law that God established. And spiritual laws are just as sure as the physical laws we've all grown to depend on. (Thank you, gravity.) Now, in God's goodness, He can shorten the “bad apple” season if He wants (and He often does), but that does not take us off the hook for planting season. We've got to own up to it.

An honest assessment of my own emotional farmland revealed that many a defective seed had been planted there. For years I was judgmental and condemning, and I liked it. Thoughts such as these were common for me: “I cannot believe she did that. How rude.” Or “I would never wear that in public. Does this woman own a mirror?” Or even worse, “At least I'm not that fat. I'm actually skinny compared to her.”

GOD REPELLENT: PRIDE

Judgment like that starts with only one thing: pride. And I'll admit there was an awful lot of that in me. Pride is not something we can continue to put up with in our lives if we expect to live life to the fullest. In order to achieve anything close to our best life, we're gonna need as much of God as we can get, and God doesn't like pride. Listen to this: “God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble” (James 4:6).

God can't be around our pride; it literally repels Him. It's not that He doesn't want to be around us. There's nothing He wants more. It's just that He can't. You see, when we are walking in pride we are living with a distorted view of our identity—either thinking too much or too little of ourselves—and we're not accepting what God says about us. Our pride actually causes us to call God a liar, which He's not too fond of. It's like we're asking God if we can take a seat on His throne for a bit, or going to the other extreme and curling up into a worthless ball under His feet. Neither is our rightful and true place, where God wants us to live.

GET RICH QUICK: HUMILITY

Humility, on the other hand, is accepting our position as God's beloved children and happily enjoying all the benefits and struggles that accompany that calling. God wants us to live like this because that's when He can help us the most. Remember, He gives His grace to the humble. God's grace in action is a powerful force. One we want to stay plugged into.

Listen to this:

By humility and the fear of the LORD are riches and honor and life. (Proverbs 22:4)

Riches, honor, and life. Sounds like what all humanity is crying out for, doesn't it? Those things come by way of our humility, by our willingness to be meek and teachable—by our surrender to the perfect ways of God.

And not only does humility usher in blessings, it's the best pick-me-up you can find:

Humble yourself in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up. (James 4:10)

Having the Lord pick us up when we're feeling down is far better than even the strongest iced mocha latte Starbucks can offer.

ALL-PURPOSE CLEANSER: REPENTANCE

Taking an honest look at our own sin can be difficult. I know this firsthand. It really broke my heart when I started to acknowledge how much judgment lived in me and how critical I had been at times in my life. But here's the sweet news. God's goodness draws us to repentance (Rom. 2:4). And when we confess our sins, God is ready to forgive us and clean us up (1 John 1:9). He says He will cleanse our unrighteousness.

God doesn't clean us so He can love us more. No way. He cleans us so we feel clean. We were actually forgiven once and for all when Jesus died on the Cross. But the process of confession restores our daily experience of that forgiveness and ushers in the flow of God's amazing grace and power. We want that.

MIRACULOUS REPAIR KIT: RESTITUTION

We don't only need to ask God to forgive us of our sins, we need to ask those we've sinned against to forgive us. It's called restitution, and I am going to bravely say that I don't believe our healing is complete until it's been accomplished. Jack Frost says it this way, “In order to break that cycle [of reaping what we've sown] and begin restoring trust, it is often necessary to make every effort to bring healing to others and to seek to restore the fractured relationship.”14

Restitution isn't just saying, “I'm sorry” (often a dutifully quipped selfish statement that's main purpose is often to make us feel better); it's more. It's actually asking someone to forgive us, which reveals that we own up to our own guilt. And it puts the control (choice whether to forgive or not) into someone else's hands. This requires a lot of humility on our part. It requires that we become far more concerned with pleasing God than worrying about our own reputation or about how someone is going to react to us. God wants us to make things right with people. Look at what Jesus says in Matthew:

Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:23–24)

God blesses our willingness to take responsibility for our own offenses. Remember what God says He will give us when we are humble? His grace. And His grace is amazingly powerful.

With restitution, we become willing to admit to others where we have failed them. We become willing to confess the wrongs we have committed, no matter how large or small. It may be that my friend is 98 percent wrong in a matter, but I am 100 percent responsible for my 2 percent. Before God, I must do my part.

To go before those I've wronged (my parents, my husband, my children, my pastor, and any others) and ask them—without bringing up one single thing they've done wrong—if they can forgive me for hurting them. And being willing to walk away peacefully no matter the response.

CONTAGIOUS GRACE

Quite often there is a wonderful cycle that is created by restitution. The humility it takes for us to ask for forgiveness has a sort of disarming effect on others, prompting humility in them. Many times I've gone to someone to ask for forgiveness only to be met with the same request from him or her.

Me: “Will you forgive me?”

Him: “Yes, and will you forgive me?”

I believe this happens because of the grace God promises to pour out on us when we are humble. That precious

grace is powerful enough to spread from us over into the hearts of those around us, and that's when it gets amazing.

If you want to try something really amazing, try getting on your knees before a teenager you've offended and ask for forgiveness. I've done this with my daughter several times. There's nothing quite as amazing as seeing her walls fall down as she sees that I'm willing to admit my faults. It builds trust.

WHEN RESTITUTION ISN'T BEST

Now, there is wisdom to be used in this restitution thing. For example, you would never want to go to someone you've secretly disliked for several years and say, “Pam, I've never liked you. In fact, you've bugged the tar out of me. I know that's wrong of me, and I'd like to ask for your forgiveness.” For some reason, I don't see this one going very well. I don't think Pam is going to be at all humbled by the experience. In fact, things will probably get worse.

Before we ever go to anyone with restitution in mind we must pray, pray, pray. We must be sure that it is Holy Spirit-led, with no wrong motivations. It's a great plan to pass the idea by some mature Christian friends just to make sure you're not about to make a huge mistake.

When it's done right, it makes the devil so mad because it restores health to our hearts and relationships in families and churches. And it's the enemy's prime objective to destroy all of that. Let's ruin his plan.

PRAYER OF A VERY THANKFUL HEART

Oh, Precious Jesus,

Thank You does not come close to being the right thing to say for all You have done for me. Your mercy. Your grace. Your forgiveness. They are gifts I know I don't deserve. Your willingness to be broken in every way so that I could be whole is incomprehensible. Words are too feeble to express the praise and honor You deserve.

Holy Spirit, I thank You for taking me on the journey of a life-time. For tenderly holding my hand and revealing so much truth to me—truth that sets me free. Please never, ever stop. I trust You with my heart completely and give You permission to invade it with Your light. I want to see every blind spot.

And heavenly Father, thank You for forgiving me for all the yucky pride in my heart. For all the judgment and condemnation I cast upon my brothers and sisters in Christ. Please convict me quickly if they ever return. I am so sorry, Lord. I know it grieves Your heart when Your children don't love each other well.

Thank You for my parents. I adore them and ask You to bless them for all the years they put up with my blindness. Thank You for all the people You have put in my life. Each one of them has contributed to who I am today.

Thank You for the gift of forgiveness—receiving it and giving it. Thank You—even though it hurts—for the mental torturers, for their blows pushed me closer to You. Only You would know that it would work that way.

I love You. I surrender to You completely.

Amen

WHAT ABOUT YOU? FACING FORGIVENESS

  1. As you reflect on your daily life, do you feel like you ever deal with “the torturers”? If so, which ones (bitterness, self-pity, entitlement, or others): __________________________________________________
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  2. If you answered “yes” to number one (and you'd be angelic if you didn't), do you think there might be someone you haven't quite forgiven all the way? Maybe a parent, a friend, leader at church, a former boyfriend? Who?
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  3. How do you think it would change your life if you became willing to let God take your hand and lead you through the full trek of forgiveness? ______________________________________________
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  4. As you reflect further, do you think you've built up sinful defense mechanisms as a result of your pain? For example, because I had a fear of abandonment, I became very possessive and jealous of my friends. I wasn't responsible for the wound, but jealousy is a sin. Do you see anything like this at work in your life? If so, briefly describe:
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  5. After reading chapter 8, do you think there is anyone you might need to ask for forgiveness? Who? _________________________________
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  6. If you answered “yes” to number five, what would keep you from asking for forgiveness? ______________________________________
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PEP TALK: WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER

I don't know about you, but when I have to take difficult steps, it helps me to know I'm not the only one on the journey. This process of forgiving others and asking for our own forgiveness is not a simple pleasure walk down easy street. It's not for the faint of heart, and it's not a solitary venture. We're all on this road trip. We all need mercy.

There is not a single person exempt from needing forgiveness. Every single one of us has failed someone else—most likely many times. And we've all been failed. This is part of the circle of life. (Can you hear The Lion King sound track?) With this in mind, don't let the enemy of your soul condemn or shame you for any part of your process. That is his tactic to try to keep you from experiencing the blessing and life that will come as you press through. Keep your eyes focused on our heavenly Father, all the while receiving as much of His love as you can. Before you know it, you'll be standing at the finish line amazed that you were able to run that race.

FORWARD FOCUS: MERCY