twelve
A Matter of Manners
The phrase “Manners maketh man” might have found renewed popularity due to the Kingsman movies, but it has been around since at least the fifteenth century.1 Usually, it conveys the idea that your manners reveal who you are. But in its earliest use, the phrase had a broader meaning: that manners are what make us human, and etiquette, politeness, and social graces are defining elements of civilization.2 Manners are considered part of the foundation of civil society because society is made up of people, and people need each other to survive.
Manners might be an old-fashioned idea, but that doesn’t mean they are outdated: manners are timeless. What constitutes good manners can vary a great deal from culture to culture, but courtesy will never go out of style; thoughtfulness will never lose its power; saying please and thank you will never become passé.
The word manners refers to how we act or behave around others. It can include our demeanor, our vocabulary, our volume, our actions, or any other number of things we do or say. Manners are public and social: they have to do with our bearing and behavior when we are with other people. People matter, therefore manners matter, because manners describe our dealings with people.
Manners are as necessary now as they were centuries ago, especially if you want to lead and influence others. If you want to win with people, show honor. Show class. Show taste. You lose with people by being rude or mean; you win by elevating your words, actions, and attitude with manners. To paraphrase the old maxim, manners maketh the leader. (Granted, it’s less alliterative, but at least it’s gender inclusive.)
Manners in Action
If manners are so important, what does it mean to have good manners? First, and perhaps most important, having manners means showing respect for other people. Manners are a direct, visible expression of how much you esteem those around you. Good manners are a way of acknowledging and valuing people. On the other hand, to have bad manners refers to a lack of respect or awareness toward others. We describe people who habitually demonstrate poor manners with terms such as rude, mean, impatient, offensive, or disrespectful. Good manners are not a onetime decision or action but a lifestyle of respecting and honoring others. Our thoughtfulness, politeness, and courtesy are external manifestations of an internal choice to value people.
Second, having manners means recognizing the role other people play in your life. Every time you say please, you acknowledge that you need help; every time you say thank you, you recognize that someone else contributed to your success. Every time you say excuse me or sorry, you affirm that you are part of a larger community and your life is intertwined with the lives of others. Manners keep you grounded as a leader by reminding you of your connections with and dependence on the people around you.
Third, having manners means handling frustration gracefully. No one is exempt from moments of impatience and frustration, but how you handle those moments says a lot about you. Pope Francis was attending a recent public event when a woman abruptly grabbed his hand and pulled him toward her. She refused to let go even when the pope tried to pull away. Suddenly, in apparent frustration, he slapped her hand and stormed off. The candid and very human moment was captured on live television, and it caused international furor. One Catholic media outlet called it “the hand swat seen ’round the world.”3 Media everywhere ran headlines about how the pope had slapped a woman, which of course sounds terrible any way you say it. The pope’s defenders and critics alike immediately took to social media to express their views of what happened. Why? Because even in moments when frustration or impatience is understandable, leaders are still expected to behave with good manners.
The story doesn’t end there, though. The next day, the pope apologized publicly, humbly, and with a clear display of emotion. His response highlighted a fourth characteristic of good manners: having manners means readily apologizing when you fail or hurt someone. “Love makes us patient,” the pope said in his public statement. “So many times we lose patience, even me, and I apologize for yesterday’s bad example.”4 He could have claimed he feared for his safety, or that the woman aggravated his sciatica, or any other number of things. Instead, Pope Francis was honest enough to admit that his reaction was regrettable, and his apology speaks very highly of him.
Fifth, having manners means engaging in specific, deliberate “acts of class.” An act of class, as I define it, is going above and beyond what is expected to show respect, honor, or gratitude.
An act of class is a tangible demonstration of consideration, of kindness, of thoughtfulness. That might mean picking up the check, writing a thank-you card, sending a gift, apologizing, opening the door, leaving a generous tip, making a positive comment, holding the door, volunteering to help out with a task, waiting to talk instead of interrupting, sending a courtesy email, or any other number of small things. Often, it’s the details that speak the loudest.
Being classy is the opposite of being common. It is more than just not being rude: it means doing more than just the bare minimum.
Finally, having manners means treating everyone with honor, all the time. Sadly, it’s often easier to be offensive to those who are close to us—and, ironically, most important to us—simply because we don’t feel the need to try as hard to treat them with respect. Another old maxim, “familiarity breeds contempt,” expresses that dynamic. We can get so familiar with people that we take them for granted, and we undervalue their feelings and their personhood. Manners aren’t just for polite company; they’re for every relationship, including your closest ones. This requires emotional health and self-control—not because some people are harder to treat with respect than others (but let’s be honest, some are), but because stress, exhaustion, and other physical and emotional pressures can temporarily turn us into rude versions of ourselves. Good manners are not situational or superficial: they are a habit, a way of living, that we strive to follow regardless of who we are with or how we are feeling.
The Basics Matter
To be honest, the four most important manners are the same ones our parents or teachers probably taught us when we were children: say hi, say please, say thank you, and don’t interrupt. While we ideally learned how to employ these habits in our routine dealings with people, they have special meaning when applied to leadership. Let’s take a brief look at each one and how they can help you connect with people and serve them better.
1. Say Hi: Greet People
Greeting people is a sign of respect. It is an acknowledgment not just of their presence, but of their value. Whenever you can, take time to greet people personally and warmly. It only takes a few seconds, but it creates a lasting impression. Sometimes as leaders we can be in such a hurry to get to the office, or to get the meeting started, or to get everyone back to work, that we forget the value of engaging with people as people, not just workers. This can be as simple as walking slower and noticing the people around you. You might stop for a minute and ask about someone’s family, health, job, or hobbies. Find ways to get to know people, to connect with people, a little more each day.
When you walk up to a group, introduce yourself to everyone you don’t know. When you see friends and acquaintances, greet them by name. Make eye contact, wave, shake hands, hug, or whatever is appropriate. No matter how busy you are, don’t use hurry as an excuse to avoid engaging with people. You can almost always spare two minutes of your time to interact with people. Your willingness to greet others expresses honor and humility, and that goes a long way toward winning with people. It’s one of the simplest things you can do to gain more influence, create a more welcoming culture, and build more meaningful connections.
2. Say Please: Make Requests, Not Demands
The word please communicates respect; you aren’t simply demanding something, but rather you are requesting it politely, even though you are the leader. Most of the time, you can phrase your directives not as top-down orders but as requests. Yes, a request from a leader is somewhat rhetorical—if the requests are directed to people who work for you and the requests are reasonable, it’s unlikely they’ll say no. But requests preserve the dignity of those under your leadership because they acknowledge that people have free will—they can choose to follow you (or not). They also give people permission to push back or even say no if they have a legitimate reason, but without sounding like they are disobeying your orders when they do so.
You don’t necessarily have to use the word please, either. Please is an attitude more than a formula, and there are many ways to make requests if you are intentional about your wording and tone. For example:
- Would you be able to . . .
- When you have a chance, could you . . .
- Would you mind doing . . .
- What would you think about . . .
There may be times when someone says no or makes an excuse you don’t think is valid, and at that point, you might need to overrule the objection and issue a more direct command. But if you have first listened to the objection or opinion, your directive will feel less like an order from a disconnected superior and more like an informed judgment call by a true leader. Most of the time, people will appreciate that and respond well.
3. Say Thank You: Express Gratitude
Writer William Arthur Ward once said, “Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.”5 Whenever possible, acknowledge people by name and celebrate their contributions. Not only do you build up that person, but you communicate to everyone that you are a team player and that every team member matters. There are few things more motivating to a person than gratitude expressed by a leader, and even more so when that gratitude is expressed in front of their peers. You reassure people that you are not leading from an ivory tower, disconnected and disinterested; rather, you are aware of their sacrifice and grateful for it.
There are many ways to say thank you. I don’t have one system or process. In fact, I actually love to think of creative ways to express gratitude, and those depend on the situation and the person. Some of the volunteers in our church are college students, and sometimes they drive me to the airport or help with some errand. They don’t expect anything, but I’ll often send them $50 or $100 via Venmo or another cash app just to say thank you. It always means so much to them. The goal isn’t to repay people for every favor they do, but no relationship should be one-sided, either. If someone does something nice for you, find creative ways to express your gratitude.
4. Don’t Interrupt: Listen
“Not interrupting” and “listening” are two sides of the same coin, especially for leaders. Why? Because leadership often naturally requires that the leader speak and lead from the front, so we get used to hearing our voice first, most, and loudest. We can get in the habit of overriding and overruling other voices rather than taking the time to genuinely listen. But just because your role requires public speaking doesn’t mean you are the only voice that should be heard, that your opinion is always right, or that you are the smartest person in the room.
Listening is not only good manners, it is a wise and effective leadership tactic.
First, because you learn new things when you let others speak; and second, because people’s ownership in the team and the vision grows when they have a voice.
In your team meetings, learn how to ask excellent questions—and then stop talking. Let people answer without judging them, shutting them down, or excitedly running away with their answer. Let people interact with each other, even if the conversation gets a little heated or off topic. Ask “what if” questions to get people dreaming: What if we opened a new location in that city? What if we hired this person? What if we tried to solve that problem? What if our product could do this? What if we tried to help people who have that need? Get people imagining, interacting, and brainstorming, and then sit back and listen to what they come up with.
You are the leader, so you will need to interject comments or questions to guide the conversation from time to time, and you’ll probably want to wrap up the discussion when it is over. But don’t be in a hurry to make your ideas heard. Your attentive silence is an effective leadership tool, and it is one that communicates trust and value to your team.
Manners don’t just make a man or woman—they make a leader, they make a team, and they make an organization. You will never outgrow the need to treat people with courtesy and respect. And as your influence grows, so will your need for good manners. Every interaction is important, and the casual, unplanned moments with people you encounter throughout the day are golden opportunities to build connections. A habit of good manners goes a long way toward building people skills and building people.