thirteen
Reading Rooms, Reading People
If you’ve ever attended a concert with a full orchestra, you probably remember the seconds of absolute silence before the music began, followed by the instant when the conductor, baton in hand, motioned to the orchestra and began the piece. It is a powerful, moving transition from silence to sound—one person leading dozens of musicians in a synchronized, captivating performance. There is actually an art to choosing the moment of transition, according to top conductor Leonard Bernstein (1919–1990).
Bernstein was one of the first American orchestra conductors to receive worldwide acclaim. Among the many things he is known for is composing the music for the musicals West Side Story, Peter Pan, and Candide. In addition to being a conductor, composer, author, music lecturer, pianist, and musical genius in general, he was an accomplished writer who shared his love and knowledge of music with others through his books. He had this to say about leading an orchestra:
How can I describe to you the magic of the moment of beginning a piece of music? There is only one possible fraction of a second that feels exactly right for starting. There is a wait while the orchestra readies itself and collects its powers; while the conductor concentrates his whole will and force toward the work in hand; while the audience quiets down, and the last cough has died away. There is no slight rustle of a program book; the instruments are poised and—bang! That’s it. One second later, it is too late, and the magic has vanished.1
You don’t have to be a musician to catch the importance of timing in Leonard Bernstein’s description. What fascinates me the most, though, is how attuned he was to his orchestra and his audience; or put another way, to his followers and to the larger world. He knew that the people in the room mattered just as much as the music, and that his role was not only to direct the orchestra, but also to discern timing, to be sensitive to the environment in which the music would be played.
Leaders need a similar attunement and sensitivity to those they lead and to their environment. We can’t force our ideas on people or situations. We have to be able to read the environment and respond appropriately. We have to be in tune with where our followers are and where the world at large is at in any given moment. It’s not enough to have the right ideas, we have to cultivate the art of knowing how best to present them, when to present them, and how to execute them. It’s about coordinating a team and elevating their work for the watching world. And all of that requires developing a Bernstein-like sensitivity to reading the room and reading people.
Take Your Time
Reading, as I am using the term, refers to being aware of the state of a person or a roomful of people. That includes their emotions, their expectations, their needs, their desires, their goals, and more. “Reading a person” refers to one individual, and “reading a room” refers to a group of people, but both mean taking the time to understand the environment you are in before you get down to business.
Leaders can sometimes make the mistake of assuming their audience is in the same frame of mind they are, and they launch into whatever they planned to say with no regard for the emotional and mental state of those listening. It’s not that they are wrong in what they say, but if people aren’t ready to receive it, the message won’t accomplish its goal.
You really can’t execute a strategy in any meeting or conversation until you read the room and read the people. You can have a plan, you can have a goal, but your strategy should adjust if necessary when you actually walk into that auditorium, sit in that board meeting, or begin to negotiate that deal. Why? Because there is always a human component, and that component is unpredictable. It’s a cocktail of people’s emotions, needs, fears, experiences, and personalities.
When you are in any business or social setting, take a moment to read the situation around you. Don’t walk in with just your agenda, and don’t assume everyone is on the same page as you. If you don’t understand where people are, you’ll never be able to serve them, and you’ll never win with them. A little wisdom and patience in communication go a long way toward accomplishing leadership goals, whereas a lack of situational awareness can ruin opportunities, leave poor first impressions, and even hurt people around you.
Reading people includes emotional intelligence, as we discussed earlier, but it goes beyond that. It’s about empathy, wisdom, and patience. Your goal, after all, is to serve people—so do your best to understand the people you are dealing with before trying to change, lead, or motivate them.
Maybe it’s a business deal you’d love to close, but the other person isn’t ready to make a decision. Just wait. Just listen. A maybe is better than a no, and you’re more likely to get a no if you force a premature decision.
Maybe it’s a person you would love to meet, but the setting is too rushed or chaotic. Don’t force it. You’ll likely have a chance to meet the person on another occasion; when you do, you’ll be glad you didn’t come across as desperate or inconsiderate.
Maybe it’s a decision that needs to be made, but there are too many distractions for your team to think clearly, or you don’t have the information you need, or something bigger is going on in the world right now and your decision needs to be postponed. Rushed decisions are rarely right decisions. Slow it down and wait until you can properly evaluate the next step.
Maybe it’s a correction or confrontation that needs to take place, but the person isn’t in a good place emotionally, or maybe you aren’t in a healthy place at the moment yourself. Do both of you a favor and wait for the opportune moment. Set the conversation up for a win. Particularly if it’s an issue that has been developing for months, you can probably wait a few more days to address it.
Maybe it’s an exciting new idea you’d like to present but the team just got done successfully carrying out your last awesome, but slightly crazy, idea, and they are exhausted. Read the room. Realize they need to celebrate, relax, and recoup. Your job is to see the future, but that doesn’t mean you have to make the future happen now. Give people a little time off and then tackle the next awesome and crazy idea.
Reading people and rooms will help you do two things: determine the right timing and determine the right approach. Both are important, and learning how to assess them and then adjust on the fly will increase your effectiveness as a leader.
Timing refers to when you bring up a topic, push for a deal, or tackle a problem. “Timing is everything,” says the popular phrase. Why? Because the right idea at the wrong time is, for all practical purposes, the wrong idea.
Every spouse has learned the hard way that there is a right time and a wrong time to bring up certain things. Ten o’clock at night after a long week is probably the worst time to tell your significant other about his or her annoying habit that frustrates you, for example. The same goes for any context in which you have influence or leadership. Take stock of the environment around you and wait for the right moment.
Choosing the best approach is a practical expression of empathy.
Approach refers to the way you present a topic. Once you’ve figured out the best time to bring it up, decide how best to introduce it. This isn’t manipulation, and it’s not “spinning” things to your favor. It’s simply meeting people where they are. It means showing them why they should care about what you are saying and how it helps, serves, or solves a problem. Choosing the best approach is a practical expression of empathy because in order to present something in a way that meets people’s needs, you have to put yourself in their shoes.
Developing Your Reading Skills
Whether you are dealing with a person, a small group, or an auditorium full of listeners, your timing and approach will depend on the specific situation you encounter. You’ll need to take into account all the factors and variables you possibly can, and it can be helpful to put yourself in the shoes of those you are leading or addressing. This is more art than science—that is, it is based more on intuition, experience, and skill than on a set of rules. However, there are several factors you should always notice when you enter a room or start a conversation, and these will take you a long way toward reading your audience.
1. Body Language
Reading body language is one of the most important keys to reading people and rooms because it plays a fundamental role in communicating emotions and attitudes. A classic study by Dr. Albert Mehabrian of the University of California Los Angeles found that only 7 percent of the emotional communication of a message is based on the words used. The rest—a whopping 93 percent—comes from vocal clues, such as tone of voice, volume, rate of speech, and vocal pitch (38 percent) and from facial expressions, hand gestures, and other forms of body language (55 percent). That doesn’t mean you can know 93 percent of what people are thinking by their tone and body language, but you can probably pick up on a lot of what they are feeling—and sometimes that is what you most need to know. This is something we develop subconsciously as we grow and mature, but it is also a skill we can develop with practice.
Watch people and look for body language clues that might help you pick up on what they’re feeling. Then speak not just to their minds, but to their hearts. Are they leaning in and engaged? Are their arms crossed defensively? Are they checking their phones in boredom? Can you hear stress, fear, insecurity, happiness, joy, or excitement in their voices? You can catch a lot by noticing people’s posture, facial expressions, and tone.
2. Physical Needs
Pay attention to the time of day and how people are physically. Are they tired or hungry? Are they well-rested? Are they comfortable? Do they feel threatened? Do they need to stand up and stretch before continuing the meeting? Is it lunchtime? Is it the end of a long workday or workweek? According to Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, our most basic human needs are physical. That means that until those physical needs are met, it’s hard for us to focus on anything else. Think back to a time when you had to sit through an interminable meeting while needing to use the restroom and you’ll know how quickly agenda items take a backseat to physical needs.
3. Distraction or Boredom
If you’ve ever addressed a roomful of junior high students (or even one junior high student, for that matter), you know the challenge of trying to communicate with someone who has a short attention span. Your options are to fight it or to work with it. It’s been my experience that fighting it is a lose-lose situation, so I recommend working with it. Your goal is to serve people where they are, not make them conform to your expectations or personality type. You’re the leader, so you can add more breaks, crack more jokes, or find ways to be more dynamic.
It’s also important to know how to handle unexpected distractions. These can work in your favor if you don’t let them throw you off. Sometimes a loud sneeze from somewhere down the hallway or a spilled cup of coffee is a great opportunity to give people a chance to laugh, relax, and take a brain break. People will take their cues from you, though. If you are irritated, people will get nervous or defensive, but if you see the humor in the situation and make a joke about it, you’ll diffuse tension and bring people together. Plus, when you show people that you don’t take yourself too seriously, you gain respect.
4. Emotional Distress
Family emergencies, economic needs, or other sources of worry can dramatically impact how individuals act. Part of reading people is learning to recognize when someone is dealing with something in their private life and it’s spilling over into their work. Don’t take their distraction personally, and don’t just charge ahead with your agenda. Remember, life is bigger than your goals or business or idea. The person in front of you is the most important thing right now. He or she will likely be on your team long after your agenda item is old news, so set it aside and focus on being compassionate now.
5. External Events
The phrase “tone deaf” is often used to describe people who speak their mind with no regard for the cultural or social environment of the day, or without acknowledging a current natural disaster, crisis, or other news event that should take precedence. This often happens inadvertently when a company’s scheduled social media post, which happens to be flippant or playful, hits right as a world tragedy is unfolding on international news. Similarly, leaders can seem tone deaf when they are so focused on the idea or the problem they’re facing that they are insensitive to or oblivious of larger events. People live in the real world, not your world, so be aware of the events and concerns that matter to them.
While you can’t know everything about what people are thinking or feeling, it’s surprising how many clues you can decipher just by taking a few moments to pay attention and put yourself in other people’s worlds.
These five factors—body language, physical needs, distraction or boredom, emotional distress, and external events—are the main things that can help inform your timing and approach.
The benefits of reading people and rooms are well worth the time and effort you put into them: better rapport with your listeners, more targeted communication, and better reception of your message. Whether you are conducting an orchestra like Leonard Bernstein, leading a staff meeting, or giving a keynote address, learning to read people and read the room is a key component to winning with people and succeeding as a eader.