CHAPTER 7: LOOKING FORWARD AND LETTING GO

If, according to plan, parents guide their children, who, then, guides parents? In the “land of the free and home of the brave” society in which we live and raise our children, the concept of self-help is widely accepted and encouraged. In the parenting world, anyone with a computer can blog his or her best advice, talk-show hosts can peddle their ideas, religious figures from all branches can use their moral authority to intimidate, and licensed professionals can offer tried-and-true solutions based on scientific research that may very well have nothing to do with you or your child. That leaves most of us to our own devices, twisting and turning on our individual quests to do the right thing—if not attain perfection—for our children and ourselves. In reality, though, despite our penchant for trying to appear perpetually confident, we all employ a lot of guesswork, peer consultation (other lost parents), and impulsive decisions along the way. As a result, in order to relieve the parental anxiety of not always knowing what to do with our children, we read books, visit parenting websites, commiserate with our peers, hire consultants, and even see psychiatrists. Once we differentiate between all the contrary opinions and recommendations we have before us and choose a path that we think is right for our situation, we instantly become self-appointed experts, proceeding with great confidence and authority. We tell others of our triumphs but don’t usually mention our mistakes. Ironically, this book itself may be a cure for what should be considered a false sense of security.

All joking aside, none of us really knows most of the time what we are doing as parents. Come on. Think about it. We think we do, but we don’t. We envision our children as happy, successful little embodiments of ourselves, but is that what we really want for them? Do we even know them? Are we letting them develop into who they are, as opposed to who we are trying to mold them to be? Are we giving them the genuine freedom to fumble and fall and find out who they are, while teaching us in the process?

In the pressure-filled world we live in, hounded around the clock by advertising images telling us what we want, what we should look like, what we should do, and what we should aspire to be, do we actually ever step back and take stock of what is most important? If and when we do—other than at times of crisis—do we then authentically share all of that with our children? How do we really know what’s best for them? Whether we choose to admit it or not, when it comes to parenting our kids, we are making it up as we go along. So, give yourself a break, and your children, too.

Whose Success Are You Really Seeking?

Many parents will do themselves and their children a great favor by taking a step back and honestly assessing why they are pushing so hard. Whose success are they really after, and at what cost?

In Australia, school psychologists are concerned that overbearing parents are raising children unable to cope with failure and life outside of home, as a new study from Queensland University of Technology in Brisbane shows.1 A survey of nearly 130 parenting professionals across Australia found that 27 percent had seen “many” instances of overparenting, while almost 65 percent reported having witnessed “some” incidents. Only 8 percent of the psychologists and counselors surveyed reported no incidents of overparenting.

But because overparenting is a spectrum phenomenon, even reasonable, relatively well-adjusted parents who have been doing a good job of raising their children may slide into the yellow or red zone during a time of crisis, at least for a short period of time until the problem is resolved, which in and of itself is not a bad thing.

PhD researcher Judith Locke, a clinical psychologist affiliated with Queensland University of Technology in Australia, says, “Parents are typically doing the best job they can do, and this type of parenting is done with the best of intentions and out of love. However, more effort doesn’t necessarily produce a better child. There may be a point at which effort can become harmful. Parenting professionals are concerned that overparenting reduces a child’s resilience and life skills because they’ve never had to face any difficulties. It could also create a sense of entitlement in children. If they have someone constantly making their life perfect, they expect everybody to make their life perfect for them.”2

While overparenting can be a problem on many levels, it also has a good side: the children of these moms and dads are lucky enough to have parents who are diligent, attentive, and caring, even if they might go overboard. Finding a middle ground between too much and too little is not as easy as it may sound, but a little objectivity can go a long way.

Many parents start out with overanxious tendencies, but as they gather experience and confidence they tend to relax and settle in to the wonderful job of parenting. This is particularly the case after the first or second child.

A good place to begin is accepting—and loving— your kids for who they are, not what you wish they would be. Whether you have grand ideas about your child excelling in the classroom, on stage, or in a stadium full of fans as an athlete, you might want to reconsider why these things are so important to you. Cooling your expectations and just enjoying your kid for who he or she is and what he or she likes will relieve you and your child of a lot of needless anxiety. That will put you on a solid track toward good parenting. And allowing your child to experience frustration, confusion, or plain old failure is not a bad thing at all. Whatever shortcomings your child experiences do not constitute a negative reflection on you. In fact, you will do your kid a favor when you stay out of the way and let him or her negotiate his or her own way—in school, around the neighborhood, and in life in general. Just think of it as a learning experience for both of you.

Next time your son gets a disappointing grade, will you be able to keep yourself from emailing his teacher? If your daughter loses her starting position on her school soccer team, will you keep your mouth shut with other parents and her coach? As Victoria Clayton, coauthor of Fearless Pregnancy: Wisdom and Reassurance from a Doctor, a Midwife and a Mom,3 says on nbcnews.com, “Remember, the world will continue to exist even if your child fails his French test.”4 That’s right. One test does not define a résumé, someone’s character, or your kid’s potential. Give yourself a break, and don’t let every up and down define your day.

Through the Looking Glass: A Personal Note from George S. Glass, MD

Since fathering my first child more than forty years ago, adding two stepchildren some years later, and then two more twenty-five years ago, I’ve experienced firsthand the bumpy and wondrous road of parenting. When you add in the thousands of patients I’ve treated in my psychiatric practice who are struggling with an assortment of parenting issues, you could say that I’ve learned quite a bit, often as much (or more) from my own mistakes (as my children like to point out) as from those I’ve seen in others.

Here’s the upshot of it all: we all want to see our children succeed—at every level. Whether it’s your five-year-old playing a tree in a school play, your seven-year-old entering a spelling bee, or your ten-year-old pitching in a baseball game, you want to see your child doing well. Sometimes, in fact, parents may go so far as to pressure their children to excel in an activity that’s supposed to be breezy and fun.

Sound familiar? Have you ever rehearsed your child, over and over, to make sure that he or she played that tree just right? Do you know someone who hired a tutor to coach their second-grader for a school spelling bee?

Unfortunately, many parents need to take a step back and honestly assess why they are pushing their kids so hard. Whose success are they really after, and at what cost, literally and figuratively? Honestly, are you wishing for your child’s success or yours? If your son forgets his lines, misspells a word, or throws a wild pitch, how does that make you feel? Whose self-esteem is really at stake? Will the other parents look at you as a “bad parent” because of that? In my professional experience, children who have an extracurricular activity they like and can begin to excel in feel better about themselves, which in turn helps build their self-esteem. They feel special because of their efforts, not simply because they feel entitled to be successful or because you hired a coach or tutor to get them to that point. If they enjoy it and continue, they feel better, and that increases their sense of self-worth. That helps them do better in school as well as in other areas of their life, and they are less likely to get into drugs. They don’t have to be a star, but they need to know that you support and encourage them in whatever they have chosen to do. If you repeatedly don’t show up, and you don’t have a clear reason that you explain, the message you give your children is that you don’t really care about them or what they do, that whatever you are doing is more important to you than they are.

As a parent, it is your job to be there, ready, willing, and able, when your child wants to talk and be listened to without being judged or pressured to change. It is best to suggest ideas only when your child seems to be in a receptive mood. If you just jump in, intending to fix things, it will invariably backfire. Your desire to rectify a challenging situation may be admirable, but your child needs to learn how to deal with life on his or her own terms. Being there to listen is important—all by itself. You don’t always have to try to teach your child a new lesson with every discussion you have with him or her. While you may think that your child should already know this or that, he or she may not be ready to learn, at least not from you. That realization can be intense for a parent and a tough pill to swallow, but trust your child more often than not to figure things out on his or her own. And know that your presence is worth something, without your becoming the “fixer.” Besides, if you are available, if not there all the time, your children will be more comfortable coming to you, if and when they do have issues. At those times, they will also listen and be more likely to take your advice.

No simple set of rules or techniques will work in every situation, even if they’ve often worked before. Circumstances change, communication varies, and children respond differently as they grow older. This means that all of us will continue making mistakes. Some may even horrify us when we think back and remember doing things that we wish in retrospect we had never done, or can’t believe we actually did.

This can be avoided in large part by not trying so hard. Your kids generally know that you love them and care about them. It is not necessary to thrust yourself into the middle of everything they do, or try to be a super-parent in an effort to get them to like you or make up for what you perceive to be inadequacies in your overall parenting or in their lives. It is enough to be present and involved when appropriate.

The secret is giving your time, commitment, and consistency.

A Prescription for Healthy Parenting

Once your first child is born, you are faced with one choice after another, and it’s not easy to know whether you are making the right ones, let alone the best ones for your kid, who you are still getting to know—one day at a time. But there are some basics to follow, and these prescriptive guidelines will help you make good choices.

  1. When it comes to your kids, spend time before money.

  2. Listen to their wishes before sharing yours. Support their interests, not yours. If they end up not liking something, let them decide.

  3. Let your kids fail, beginning with the first time they fall down on the playground. They need to learn early on that life is full of bumps and bruises, and that they have the wherewithal to overcome them. Remember: Small kids = Small problems. Big kids = Big problems.

  4. Work with your children on how they can learn from their mistakes. Mistakes can often be opportunities, which can lead to positive problem-solving skills.

  5. Let them take pride in their creations, even if you think they should be “better.” It’s their science fair. You had yours.

  6. For the most part, let your kids pick their own friends. This develops their emotional intelligence and social awareness.

  7. Encourage your child to deal directly with his or her own teacher. Negotiation is an essential—and ongoing—skill for your child to develop.

  8. Do not overschedule your children. They need time to reflect, because, even if you don’t realize it, life is happening quite quickly for them, too.

  9. Embrace free time with nothing specific to do. This is when you can find each other as parent and child, with nothing on anyone’s agenda!

10. Let go.

A Cautionary Tale from the Tabatsky Files

What if your kid is like me, and when he’s four, he thinks he’s Superman and tries to fly down a flight of stairs and breaks his collarbone (which still hurts when it rains)? What should my parents have done to prevent that? What could they have done to turn off my imagination? Chain me to the radiator in my room? I suppose I blame them for letting me watch Superman on TV in the first place. I can also blame my mother for safety-pinning a dishtowel to my back as a cape. Being an innocent child, both indulgences obviously made me susceptible to seeking adventure and vulnerable to the foibles of such a pursuit. Children should never be subjected to that, right? Gosh, what was wrong with my parents? Had they no sense of what the big, bad world was all about, especially the one in our very own home? George? Are you there? I think I need help. I think I should revisit my childhood and find out what was really going on between my parents and me. Or maybe it was my sister; maybe she pushed me down the stairs just to see what would happen. Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I learned what risk is all about, how it involves pain and pleasure and most of all—living! I should thank my parents. I don’t need therapy. I just need to remember the value in that whole incident and move on with my life. I may even buy a Superman T-shirt and go skydiving with my sister.

The Trickle-Down Effects of Stay-at-Home Dads

If fathers took paternity leave more often, which is slowly becoming a growing phenomenon in the United States, overparenting would decrease. We’re just suggesting this, because logic would have it that when men use the paternity leave they have coming to them, three things can happen:

  1. Fathers become more engaged and active at home with childcare, housekeeping, and general maintenance. They might even cultivate a hobby that doesn’t include sports or finances.

  2. Mothers, then, have a chance to become more invested in their careers and with whatever else they had no time to do before Dad got involved around the house and with the kids. They don’t necessarily get a life, but they enhance the one they already have.

  3. Children get the best of both parents, because each of them is more relaxed, less anxious, and genuinely appreciative of the new family dynamics.

Everybody wins.

Not everyone can reap the benefits of time away from work when a new baby is born, however. The federal Family and Medical Leave Act has been around a long time, guaranteeing up to twelve weeks of unpaid leave to new mothers and fathers who work in large and medium-sized workplaces. In 2002, California became the first state to guarantee six weeks of paid leave for moms and dads, and Rhode Island and New Jersey have subsequently adopted their own versions of the law. Some of the tech giants in Silicon Valley have become even more generous. Google and Yahoo offer men seven and eight weeks, respectively, while Reddit and Facebook have pushed the number to seventeen.5

When men take time to be home with their child, leaving women more time to be at work, it’s better for the economy, because with more women maintaining their vital positions in the workforce, companies function more effectively and women can continue to build their roles in the corporate structure.

University of Oregon sociologist Scott Coltrane notes that when men share “routine repetitive chores,” women feel that they are being treated fairly and are less likely to become depressed.6

When that occurs, when mothers and fathers are less stressed, are less anxious, and feel less guilt for being away so much, common sense says that they will be better parents. The main reason for that would be that they would not be putting undue pressure on themselves or their children. As a result, they would also be less prone to overcompensating, overdoing their involvement, and overparenting. In general, they would have a life outside of just the house and the kids.

What Children Really Want Their Parents to Do with Them

If you ask a typical elementary school class what they want most from their parents, you may be surprised by their answers.7 Even in the material world in which we live, most of the kids did not choose iPads and games and the latest popular shoes. Instead, they showed a decided preference for parents being there, paying attention, and helping when they were asked. Those things made them feel safe, secure, and loved, the unofficial “Big Three” of basic universal human needs. It would probably be a very safe bet that this has not changed at all since something like forever.

Sure, kids like presents. We all do. But those usually appear on birthdays and special holidays, and should suffice. Kids need things from unreachable shelves, too; they enjoy their favorite foods, and they want to be driven places; but at the end of the day—literally—what they want most is a parent who is able and willing to just hang out.

So, why are so many moms and dads convinced that they are not being good parents unless they are racing around, bouncing their kids from one activity to another, fearful that their children might be missing something crucial in their life development?

Little kids love it most when their parents cuddle up with them to read and tell them stories. It gets even better when the lights go out and you can share dreams and fears together. That intimate time can never compete with a TV show. And if you have more than one child, try to find time for that one-on-one time with each one of your kids.

As they get older, dinner table conversations can become very grounding, especially if they’re not limited to school talk. That’s also a time when parents can extend the leash and let kids play outside without constant supervision. It’s not only exciting for your kids. It’s liberating!

At almost any age (aside from those terrible twos), kids actually want limits, and when you establish rules and enforce them fairly, you are showing real love and devotion. When kids don’t have rules and limits, they often make up their own, which can be much stricter than anything their parents would devise.

Up until the middle school years, most kids like it when their parents hide little notes in their backpacks and lunchboxes. You may want to stop doing that when they reach their teen years, as that kind of love can quickly become too much. But care packages are much appreciated all over again once your kid goes off to college.

Do we sometimes forget that our children are pretty smart, and that it happens totally without us, or even in spite of us? It behooves us to tap into their brains and see what we can learn from them, if we let them talk and are willing to listen when they do.

The old adage that children keep you young is not just because you are chasing after them, but because they bring you fresh ideas, new ways to look at things, and alternative methods for approaching situations that you never considered; as a result of getting so set in your ways, you sometimes forget that life can be approached differently.

The Parenting Paradox

Dr. Bob Moorehead, a graduate of the California School of Theology and the former pastor of Overlake Christian Church in Redmond, Washington, preached about how we have progressed as a society, with bigger buildings, faster planes and an endless amount of conveniences, but as people, we may be enjoying life less instead of more.

Parents today get easily caught up in a whirlwind of activities aimed at exposing their children to the world, supposedly making them ready to succeed. But at what cost? When we equip our children to make a living, are we also giving them the tools to live a life of quality and love? We can send people to the moon, but can we take care of our spiritual needs right here at home? As our lives speed up, what lessons are we teaching our children about slowing down to appreciate what’s right in front of them? For example, fast food is easy and convenient, but there’s nothing like a slow-cooked dish, made with care and love, right at home. And, caught up in our very important and busy lives, we all can opt out and send an email or a text to a friend or family member, forfeiting what could be an intimate moment on the telephone or, even better, an actual visit in person.

Most of all, with life seeming to race by at faster and faster speeds, parents are challenged to let go and allow their children to find things out for themselves, with a certain amount of failure to be expected in the mix of growing up.

So how do we deal with the paradox of parenting?

D. H. Lawrence offered some sage advice back in 1918: “How to begin to educate a child. First rule: leave him alone. Second rule: leave him alone. Third rule: leave him alone. That is the whole beginning.”8

And, in the words of Luke Skywalker, “May the force be with you.”

Parental Aptitude Test Answers

(from pages 78–80)

  1. Successful parenting means:

C. Your children enjoy growing up and feel good about themselves.

  2. Children should be seen, heard, or tested.

D. All of the above (but “tested” we recommend only on an occasional basis.)

  3. If your child breastfeeds, it means that he will:

D. Never go hungry.

  4. Love means never having to say:

D. None of the above.

  5. If your child fails a math test in third grade, it means:

D. None of the above.

  6. When your son’s soccer coach doesn’t start your son, you react by:

D. Enjoying the game.

  7. When your daughter wins an award for the sixth-grade science fair, you:

A. Tell her that you’re proud of her.

  8. Your child is not sure whether he wants to go to college. This make you feel:

D. Curious. Why does he feel that way?

  9. If your son is being bullied by his seventh-grade classmates, what do you do?

C. Ask your son what’s happening.

10. When your five-year-old falls off a sliding board and breaks his arm, you choose to:

D. None of the above.