What is stopping you, this very moment, from being the person you want to be and living your life the way you want to live it? The answer—beneath all the other answers—is fear.
—SUSAN JEFFERS, PH.D., FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY
A common symptom of anxiety is a fear of failure or inadequacy. Yet anxiety is a disorder that you can’t hold against yourself as a lack of will or understanding. You have nothing to blame yourself for and nothing to feel guilty about. It’s hard enough feeling frightened without beating yourself up for it.
People with persistent fear often feel shame, inadequacy, and guilt. They are mercilessly tormented by the fear of fear(i.e., dread of having another panic attack). They may be so easily intimidated that they often become shy and emotionally withdrawn. They can seldom experience the feelings associated with anxiety—fear, anguish, or worry—without looking for a cause. Those who look inside themselves for the cause of their terror may become hypochondriacal or self-absorbed in suffering. Those who look outside tend to feel victimized by their marriage, job, or other life circumstances. Anxiety, however, is no one’s fault. It’s not your spouse’s fault. It’s not your parents’ fault. It’s not society’s fault. It’s not your fault. No one is to blame.
You may think you lack willpower because you feel so helpless and terrified. Perhaps you think you should be able to overcome anxiety on your own and not let this thing get the best of you. Well, this isn’t true. To have to live with anxiety and simply get through each day has taken great willpower and courage. Many times you felt hopeless and out of control, yet you found the strength to go on.
Men, in particular, often fear being judged as weak, childish, or inferior when suffering from anxiety. Because of chauvinistic attitudes that men are always supposed to be tough and strong, many males think that seeking help implies weakness—a fault that “should” be overcome by personal strength, discipline, and fortitude. For both men and women, seeking help for anxiety does not imply a lack of personal fiber or moral character. To the contrary, it takes great courage to admit you’re anxious and go for help.
THE FEAR OF INTIMACY
We all need to love and be loved, yet anxiety about relationships is pervasive. If we have been hurt by painful childhood experiences or been rejected in our adult love relationships, we may be afraid to risk again and be limited by a fear of intimacy.
When a love relationship feels unsafe, we may retreat into our protective shells. Though we long to be appreciated, nurtured, and loved, guarding our affection too closely creates a vicious cycle. The more we fear being open and vulnerable, the more loneliness and frustration persist. The fear of getting hurt blocks our love and keeps us from a secure and lasting intimacy. Which of the following common expressions of the fear of intimacy apply to you?
Anxiety impairs the ability to care and be cared for, to love and feel lovable. The anxious person may be so self-absorbed in worries, fears, and emotional pain that loved ones feel neglected or rejected. Anxious people often fail to express their feelings because of the fear of rejection and embarrassment. They rarely respond to annoying matters in their relationships until some minor event becomes the “last straw.” Some people think they are anxious because of difficult relationships, but perhaps they have difficult relationships because they are anxious.
Unrecognized anxiety can eat away at relationships and block success. Overprotective loved ones worry about the anxious person’s reactions to things. Family members don’t know how to deal with the endless worrying and incessant fears. Success implies changes in responsibility, lifestyle, and work, but for anxious people change is frightening. They are reluctant to surrender the safety of the routine and the familiar. The instinct to resist change, to avoid risk-taking and the unfamiliar, overrides the desire to succeed. If anxiety goes untreated, fear and suffering seep into the most intimate aspects of the personality, impairing one’s relationship with self, family, friends, coworkers, God, and life.