The Power of Strategic Alliances
RYAN’S STORY PART 3
Moscow, Russia, Three Months Later
By now, I knew I had something extremely enticing to offer Thad. I hoped it would be tempting enough to convince him to share information about his work with me and my team. Still, I needed to get him to trust me.
After our meeting at the conference, I made sure to keep in touch with him. We shared a few emails, and I kept the topics very general but made a point of referencing some of the things we talked about in person. I brought the conversation back to vintage watches. At the hotel, I had noticed he was wearing a watch—not anything supremely classy, like a Rolex, but it was well worn and attractive. I noticed as much about it as I could. When I shared the details with the guys from the fabrication center, they figured it was a Movado, triple date, most likely made of stainless steel. My description of it suggested it was from the 1940s. That meant the watch was either something Thad had inherited from his family or that he was drawn to well-made, vintage objects. This wasn’t the kind of watch you’d pick up at your local department store. I was intrigued by it and decided to learn as much about it, and watches in general, as I could so this could be a topic of conversation—a bridge between us.
In one of our emails, I told him about a vintage Tiffany & Co. Art Deco period watch that I was thinking of buying. I had to admit, I was really starting to enjoy learning about how watches are made, especially how Thad had exposed me to something novel. I told him I was curious to know if he had something similar in his collection. He didn’t, but he let me know he thought the piece would be a great one to buy. I also asked after his kids, letting him know that my oldest child was starting to think about college. I didn’t bring up any topics that would raise any alarms. Any questions about work were strictly off limits. I had to assume his emails were being read by someone.
After a few months of casual emails, it was time to implement the next part of the plan. I sent Thad an email saying that I would be traveling to Moscow within the next couple of weeks for work, and could I please take him out for dinner? I explained that I didn’t know a soul in his city, and I’d welcome the opportunity to dine out with a native. I made sure to add that my company was happily footing the bill. Thad responded that he’d be delighted to join me. We set a date and I told him I looked forward to seeing him soon.
Thad didn’t know it, but I arrived in Moscow a few days before our scheduled meeting. I wanted to make sure my hotel room was completely secure and scope out the restaurant where we would be eating. A friend had suggested the venue because it was a classic, traditional restaurant, the kind of place a tourist would definitely want to go to, which would alleviate any suspicions. It was spacious and crowded, so it was easy to blend in. Finally, it was very expensive. Chances are Thad wouldn’t have been able to afford to eat there, and I hoped the opportunity to do so would make him say yes. I even scoped out a table that I felt offered privacy without giving the impression that I was trying to stay hidden. I would slip the maître d’ some cash to secure that table. Everything appeared in order.
On the night of the dinner, I was sure to arrive first. When Thad entered, I greeted him with our signature handshake. It was time for me to start developing a rapport with him. He seemed uncomfortable in the fancy setting, shifting in his seat and fidgeting. I purposely slackened my own posture to make him feel less awkward and started tapping my fingers. I asked Thad how his day was, and he shared a few tidbits about the weather and his kids. He started to relax. He was more comfortable looking me in the eye and he sat forward a bit in his seat to engage more deeply with me. I followed suit and also relaxed. I noticed that as he became more comfortable the volume of his voice increased a bit, and he spoke more slowly. Taking note of this change, I made a point of slowing down my words—just the tiniest bit. I didn’t want him to notice what I was doing. We ordered our meals and continued to talk about our kids. We discussed the various challenges of raising teenagers. I was sure to throw in a few lines about how I really hoped my children would have the opportunity to attend a great university, but I worried about how expensive it would be. I made it clear that I felt education was the key to opportunities. Thad nodded, but his mannerisms changed again. I noticed that he took a deep breath, as though just thinking about his children’s future was stressful. He used the word imperative. He said, “It is imperative that children receive a good education. I share your concerns completely.”
Our food arrived, and we continued talking while we enjoyed deliciously prepared food. We talked a little about our mutual hobby, collecting old watches, but his eyes didn’t seem to light up during the conversation—even when I told him about the OMEGA Speedmaster I had gotten for a steal at an estate sale (the fabrication center actually found it). It was the same style of watch that had been worn by an astronaut on a moonwalk. Since Thad didn’t have a strong reaction after I mentioned the watch, I decided to try a different approach. After our plates were cleared and after we had ordered dessert, I said, “Oh! I should show you the watch!” I pulled up my sleeve, revealing a beautiful but admittedly worn watch. Before Thad could say anything, I quickly slipped off the watch and put it in his hand. I noticed a change immediately. When he felt the weight of the watch, a small smile grew on his face. He also became quiet, and he spent a few seconds observing the watch, turning it over in his hand—feeling the weight of the bracelet and running his thumb over the dial. His face changed when he held the watch; it was almost like he was in a different world for a moment.
Before he could say anything, I said, “I nearly forgot: I have a small gift for you!” I pulled out a small velvet bag from the inside of my suit jacket and handed it over to Thad. “I know you mentioned you needed a new strap for your watch. I’m not sure if this is exactly what you were looking for, but I spotted it on eBay and thought it might work.”
Thad looked in the bag, leaned over, and tapped my forearm. “Yes. I can’t believe it—this is perfect!”
I laughed and said, “I’m so glad, really, I’m happy to hear that. There are so many resources for watch parts in the U.S. And I’m just glad to help out a fellow collector.” The truth was, that part was nearly impossible to find, and the people in fabrications back home had done an incredible job locating it, but Thad definitely didn’t need to know that. Our desserts came, and we dug into the dish like we were old friends. I felt confident I was developing a rapport with Thad—we were growing closer, and I was establishing trust. I sensed he was more comfortable with me. I’d just have to keep everything moving in this direction until I knew the time was right for the big reveal. I hoped it wouldn’t take too long, but I knew better than to push too hard.
BUILD ALLIANCES, NOT CONTACTS
We live in an age when any information you want, from restaurant recommendations to medical information, is a few quick clicks away. It’s incredibly easy to find information about traveling to Africa or for a great math tutor for your kid. But while information is accessible and it’s everywhere—many people still let themselves get caught up in the idea of being “well connected.” We don’t believe human beings are as accessible as information. It’s easy to attribute someone’s success to their knowing the “right people,” or traveling in the “right circles.” We might say, “Well, I’d love to work for that company—but I don’t have an in.” Or, “My dream is to open an art gallery, but I don’t know the right people.” We will spend time relentlessly researching information about a neighborhood into which we want to move or a new car we want to buy—we can learn every single detail about either . . . but if there is a person in a position of power or an expert we’d like to meet, we assume it’s out of our reach.
My intelligence training has instilled in me the knowledge that, ultimately, no one is truly out of reach. There is always a way in. What’s important to understand is that finding a way to access someone isn’t the hardest part—it’s taking that relationship to a higher level that is the real challenge. There’s a big difference between having a Rolodex full of powerful names and actually being able to put the names to good use. I would not have had the success I’ve had with my company so early on if I had not made a few key connections. What made the difference for me is that I took the time to develop rapport. I didn’t just get hold of some email addresses and start making demands and requests of people. No one had a clue who I was. But my intelligence training had taught me how to build alliances—and an alliance isn’t just a contact. An alliance is someone who views you as an asset in their own life. They trust you, are comfortable with you, respect you as a peer, and value your knowledge and expertise.
ALLIANCE BUILDING
We’ve all been asked simple favors from friends or family. If a good friend of yours who lives nearby asks you to check on his house while he’s on vacation, chances are you’d say, “No problem. I’m happy to pop over and check things out.” It’s likely that this person has done favors for you in the past, and you’d be comfortable asking them to help you if you needed it. A relationship is already established, and what they are asking you to do isn’t that big of a deal. If some guy at work whom you’ve only met once said, “Hey, I’m going on vacation. If I give you keys to my home, will you bring in my mail and check on my cat?” you’d be taken aback. You might even feel angry, like you want to avoid this person because they were so presumptuous, and the relationship is tainted before it’s even begun. In the business world, people often make this mistake. They don’t take the time and energy to develop rapport or build an alliance.
As entrepreneurs and salespeople, we often have to take risks, which sometimes means asking something of someone we don’t know. It’s never easy, and there’s always a chance we can be shot down. We focus so much on finding the contact that we don’t think through what should happen once that connection is actually made. When we find that contact, it’s important to be ready to maximize the opportunity. How do we maximize the opportunity to engage with a powerful person, celebrity, or expert who can help our business? Like Ryan did with Thad, slowly but surely develop an alliance by making a connection, finding commonalities, and making the person feel comfortable. One of the main tactics an intelligence officer is going to use to start building a relationship is matching and mirroring.
MATCHING AND MIRRORING
Generally speaking, people often feel more comfortable with others who are like them. I’m not necessarily saying people like people who look like them (although that is often true), but most humans tend to feel more at ease with people with whom they share a commonality. Chances are you’ve been doing this since you were in kindergarten. If you were the kid who loved to draw, you probably sought out the kids who also liked drawing. If you were the kid who loved running around, you hung out with the kids who were playing tag. This is, very simply, human nature at work, and it’s essential to think about this when you’re trying to create an alliance with someone. While talking and learning to elicit the right information is crucial in espionage, spies understand that getting to know someone doesn’t start with words. In fact, statistics show that only 7 percent of communication is verbal, 55 percent of our communication comes from facial expressions, and the other 38 percent comes from vocalization (pitch, tone, pauses, et cetera). To lay the foundation for a connection, spies will match and mirror the behavior of someone with whom they want to build an alliance. Learning to do this successfully will put the people you want to meet at ease and lay the groundwork for developing the relationship further.
Step One: It’s Not Always about the Words
Ryan began matching and mirroring Thad’s movements at the restaurant right away. He noticed that Thad seemed uncomfortable, and this caused him to move around in his seat and fidget with his hands. Ryan responded by assuming a similar posture. He wouldn’t have copied Thad move for move (which would likely have been noticed and come off as strange). But he made a point of tapping his fingers, which put Thad at ease. When they started talking about their children, Thad spoke a bit more loudly and more carefully. If you want to develop a relationship, start with the movements—and let the words come later. It’s very easy to underestimate how powerful bonding over movements and sounds really is. If you are a parent, you probably remember how hard it was being up in the middle of the night with a crying baby. But then one night something happened. You pick up that crying baby and suddenly she’s smiling at you. At that moment, your heart melts a bit and you can almost forgive your kid for all the sleep deprivation. A smile from a baby immediately elicits a return smile from the parent (even when exhausted)—and a true connection is made. With practice, you can use this technique to start building positive alliances. There are several physical cues that people use regularly that you can match and mirror to establish a level of comfort.
Facial expressions: Are they expressing anxiety, surprise, sadness, happiness? Is their expression subtle, easy to read, or exaggerated and over the top?
Posture: Are they sitting back in their chair? Or are they leaning forward? Do they hold their head in their hands, or do they sit up straight and alert?
Eye contact: Is it direct, or does this person avoid eye contact? Do they blink a lot?
Tone of voice: People naturally change their tone to express different emotions. What emotion does the tone of their voice suggest? How does it change as they move through a conversation?
Gestures: Do they talk with their hands? Do they make any specific gestures that are unique to them?
Tempo: Does their speech speed up and slow down as they talk about certain subjects?
Breathing: Does the pace of their breathing increase or decrease at times?
Physical touch and proximity: Do they tap people on the hand when they speak to emphasize a point? Or do they lean in or back as they’re talking?
WHAT IF YOUR MAIN WAY TO CONNECT WITH CUSTOMERS IS OVER THE PHONE?
While you won’t have access to some of the main physical cues during telephone calls, you can still definitely get a reading of someone’s level of interest without seeing them in person. Tone of voice and breathing will be your main indicators. Do they sound monotone and disinterested? Is the pace of their speech picking up as they sound excited? Is the pattern of their breathing decreasing? Are they sending cues that they are trying to get off the phone (like repeating words like um-hmm, or okay)? Can you hear them doing other activities during the call, like typing? Are they tapping their fingers impatiently? These are all signs you need to either cut the call off or up your game and make the conversation more dynamic.
Once Ryan started successfully matching and mirroring Thad, Thad would have felt more at ease. Since our brains don’t often easily pick up on whether someone is mirroring our behaviors, we often associate this feeling of comfort and well-being with the person to whom we are speaking. This creates the foundation of an alliance—mirroring cements the feeling that this person is a positive influence and someone we would like to have in our lives.
It’s important to note that you don’t have to mirror every behavior a person exhibits. You want to choose a few behaviors that feel natural and comfortable for you. If tapping your fingers on the tabletop feels totally foreign to you, it’s going to come off as strange. Always attempt to keep the movements as natural as possible. The fact is, this technique can put you ahead of the game. But to do this properly, you need to make a practice of clearing your mind and fully concentrating on the conversation. This puts you in the best position to match and mirror someone appropriately.
[ SPY TIP ]
THE RIGHT WAY TO USE EYE CONTACT
Research shows that most people are comfortable with eye contact that lasts about 3.2 seconds. More than that can feel too intimate or even threatening. Studies also show that if the person instigating the eye contact appears trustworthy, they’ll be able to hold the contact longer without causing discomfort. Always keep in mind that there are cultural differences about what is and isn’t acceptable. For example, in China and Japan, eye contact isn’t the norm; it’s often considered offensive.
Step Two: Create a Bridge
Spies know that to successfully create a relationship with a target, they must be patient during the development process. There’s no rushing things. Even though Ryan had a time crunch at the conference, he knew that if he really wanted to win Thad over he’d need to play on his terms (or let him think he was). Ryan knew that presenting the true reason behind his relationship with Thad too early would kill the entire operation. Once he had Thad feeling relatively comfortable physically, he would move on to the next phase. Ryan would start establishing bridges or commonalities with Thad. The true hallmark of a good psychological bridge is that it presents a commonality, but the person doing the developing is able to add a unique or exotic twist. For example, if you’re really into hiking and another hiker tells you they’ve hiked the entire Pacific Crest trail alone—this puts them in a unique position. You share something in common, but that person has something additional to offer that makes them more appealing to you. This can open up another area of conversation, in which questions of interest are asked: What was that like? How did you take the time off from work? It’s essentially deepening the relationship. A few examples of bridges may include:
With spies, knowledge is always power—and some of the biggest secrets spilled to us have started with a question as banal as “Did you go to college on the East Coast?” Make it a habit of building bridges when meeting new business contacts or potential clients—learn to be patient and let the relationship evolve. Keep in mind that a bridge always leads somewhere. Sure, maybe it doesn’t take you exactly where you expected it to, but you need to work with wherever it takes you. For example, if you’re seeking a commonality and say, “My kids have off from school next week,” and the person you’re talking to says, “I don’t have kids,” work with where that bridge has led you. Try, “Man, my buddy doesn’t have kids, and I admit that I really envy his freedom sometimes. He goes on the best camping trips.” That bridge just might lead you to the right place.
[ SPY TIP ]
LISTEN FOR KEY WORDS IN CONVERSATIONS
When you’re developing a connection with someone, listen for words they use to emphasize points, or words they repeat frequently. For example, Ryan noticed that Thad used the word imperative when talking about college. A spy would instinctively make a point of using the same word. This is another form of mirroring that is easy to use and quickly builds rapport.
There are also a few die-hard rules that spies follow to the letter when they are developing a target. While many of these rules employ good, simple behaviors, they are crucial to getting a target or business contact to trust you, feel comfortable with you, and really open up.
Take the Parallel Route
Spies also are experts at “paralleling,” which is finding a common but slightly different alternative to any topic. Paralleling is about sharing a similar interest or background, though with enough differences that any obvious deficiencies in knowledge can be avoided. For example, you might love barbecuing, but your wife loves baking. Both are culinary skills, and you can have a good conversation about food preparation—but the styles are different enough that you wouldn’t be expected to possess the same set of knowledge and skills. Spies like our friend Ryan are often charged with developing some of the biggest experts out there. My colleagues have solid backgrounds in areas such as mathematics, computer programming, or biology—but they never forget that someone like Thad will have knowledge that’s light-years ahead of their own. They have to be careful not to engage in a conversation so advanced that the holes in their knowledge will shine through. If you’re struggling to find a commonality with someone with whom you want to do business, consider the parallel route instead. If they love reading mysteries but you prefer science fiction, let the fact that you are both readers pave the way. Are you in a book group? Do you read electronically or on paper? Do you have a favorite bookstore? Paralleling can lead to engaging conversations with someone even when it seems like you have nothing in common.
BORROW SOMEONE ELSE’S INTERESTS OR EXPERIENCES TO MAKE A CONNECTION
Connections don’t have to be limited to what we personally find interesting. If someone shares an interest that has nothing to do with you, but the topic is meaningful to your daughter, wife, or friend, then by all means bring that up. If there’s a conversation about ballet and you are struggling to find a way in, consider borrowing someone else’s interest: “You know, I’ve never personally been to the ballet, but my niece just started lessons and she’s crazy about it. Maybe I should consider taking her?” When you see even the slimmest crack open up in a conversation, jump into it, even if it’s not a topic that is relevant to you.
Step Three: Give to Get to Find Common Ground
When Ryan wanted to get the conversation moving with Thad, he brought up his kids. He had established early on that Thad was also a family man, so he knew this line of questioning could get him to open up further. Most of us aren’t going to openly share our fears and anxieties with people we don’t know, unless the other person opens or creates a warm, inviting outlet. Ryan brought up his fears about paying for his children’s education, which resulted in Thad admitting he had the same hesitations. This is information that Ryan can use as he continues to develop Thad. He’s uncovered a vulnerability.
Believe it or not, spies aren’t always searching for someone’s vulnerability to exploit it in a diabolical way—but they’re going to use it to move the relationship forward in the direction they want it to go. Now that Ryan knows that Thad worries about the cost of college, he can use that to direct the conversation to other topics. Ryan might eventually ask Thad if he’s ever thought of moving to the United States, so his kids could study there, for example.
While it’s not especially easy to know when it’s appropriate to open up to someone in a business setting, the sharing of information is almost always welcome. I’m not suggesting you drop top-secret information about your work, but any useful tidbit you share is likely to make an impact. You might not be discussing your personal concerns about the rising costs of labor (or you might, if appropriate), but sharing a way you’ve managed to tackle this obstacle is likely to establish you as a helpful, useful person—the kind of person with whom someone wants to form a partnership.
Make Sincerity Your Default Position
While it’s true that spies are developing a rapport with someone for a very specific purpose, any of my colleagues will tell you they are connecting with that person on a sincere level. Sincerity is equally as important as making useful connections—so make it your mission to connect with others over a genuine commonality for the best results for your business. I completely agree with Warren Buffet when he said, “It takes twenty years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If you think about that, you’ll do things differently.” Never risk your brand or personal reputation to make a connection based on a complete falsehood—it’s simply not worth it.
Learning Styles Matter Outside of the Classroom
Ryan had started building a bridge with Thad about watches, and he would have made mental notes about it, remembering as many details as he could. It’s certainly possible that Ryan wasn’t himself a watch collector, but this is something that piqued his interest, and he was able to sincerely pursue this commonality with Thad. He was able to use this as a bridge, but, more important, it taught him something about the way Thad processed information.
Spies are trained to notice nearly everything about human behavior—including what learning style people gravitate toward. Ryan noticed immediately that Thad wasn’t very impressed by the watch when he brought it up at dinner. They had had enough conversations about timepieces for Ryan to know this watch was something Thad would be excited to see. He decided to take it off and hand it to him. Thad’s demeanor changed. He felt the smooth, cool stainless steel, the heft of the bracelet, and could feel the small notches on the crown. It was at that point that Thad visibly reacted, and this suggested he was a kinesthetic learner. That meant that being able to touch something, to experience it with his own hands, was meaningful to him. It’s how he processed information.
By understanding how people process information, you will be able to communicate more clearly with them, present information in a way that is attractive to them, adapt proposals in a manner that will grab their attention, and build a stronger, more meaningful relationship. The four main learning styles to look out for include:
Auditory learners: If you’re this kind of learner, you probably did well in school. People who respond to this style like their information presented verbally, just like in the classroom. A combination of verbal instruction and body language is easiest for them to understand.
Visual learners: As the name suggests, visual learners need to be shown how something works—rather than have it just explained to them. This kind of person would appreciate pictures, diagrams, charts, and lists.
Kinesthetic learners: Just like Thad, kinesthetic learners like to touch things, to feel the materials. They benefit most from a “hands on” experience. These people may also like to move around while they’re learning.
Reading and Writing learners: People who learn this way are comfortable reading and writing. They can easily absorb information from a book and understand it in their own words.
If you want to be considered a businessperson who is a great communicator, learn to utilize these different styles in your business practices. Learning to switch to different modes to meet the needs of other people will result in clearer communication, stronger connections, and, in the end, more sales.
SPY TRAINING TAKEAWAY:
How Understanding Learning Styles Landed Me Business
In 2015, a few years after my company had really gotten going, I was in talks with a large company about doing a licensing deal and I really wanted it to go through. The deal would be worth several hundred thousand dollars the first year and would soon total a number in the seven figures. This was a well-respected company, and it would be a huge boost to my business. I went in for a meeting, and the agenda was to nail down all of the final points. It was just me and one of the executives in a small room. There were some papers and books on the table, and I made sure to position myself so that these items weren’t between us. I was sitting directly across from him. Since I hadn’t had the opportunity to meet this person beforehand, I had to be extra prepared. I showed up at the meeting armed with everything I needed, whether he was a visual, auditory, or another type of learner. In my bag I had visuals, whiteboard markers, charts, and samples, as well as a proposal that consisted mostly of straight text. I wasn’t leaving anything up for grabs. Thanks to my training, I could tell easily by his demeanor and reactions that he was a visual learner. One of the items I was hoping to partner on was a custom-made knife.
He wanted to hold and closely examine the product, turning it around in his hands. When we got to appropriate points in the conversation, I pulled out pictures and diagrams and his eyes lit up. From that moment on, I brought out visuals to support my main points and drew on the whiteboard with colored markers. I brought out my charts too. He was enthralled. In the end, I’m pleased to say, I got the deal. Even better, now that I knew this guy responded well to visual cues, I could prepare better for our meetings—and our communication has been flawless.
If you visit www.SpymasterBook.com, I put together a specific case study for you about one alliance that has made me a monumental amount of money, and how you can use it too.
SPY MYTHS DECODED
IF YOU JOIN THE CIA YOU’LL HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY FOREVER.
False!
If you’re wondering if Ryan was making up all the stories about his own family just to connect with Thad, he wasn’t. The myth that spies have to say goodbye to friends and family is completely false, and I assure you that CIA officers still see their parents, siblings, and friends. (If you were thinking of joining the CIA to avoid having to attend your family Thanksgiving celebration ever again, I’m sorry to disappoint you.) Thousands of people work at CIA headquarters, which is almost like a mini city in itself. That means that, in addition to intelligence officers, there are security people, accountants, and people who work as administrative assistants or in human resources. There are even baristas, because the CIA has its own Starbucks.
Obviously, depending on the nature of their work, there may be some details intelligence officers can’t share. It’s not uncommon for an intelligence officer working out in the field to not be able to disclose their location to family members. That’s not necessarily because family can’t know about it, but because it’s important to protect sources. However, that doesn’t mean they can’t be in touch with their family. There’s always a way to stay connected, whether that’s a special phone number or a contact at the CIA’s administrative building.
UNDERSTANDING AND ALLIANCES EQUAL SUCCESS
Once I left the CIA and started my own business, it became very clear that I view making connections differently than many other entrepreneurs. My training to dig deep, be patient, and build connections is so ingrained in me that I was barely aware I was using these tools as I was developing my business. I’ve said before that my personality is fairly introverted, but with these tools that hardly matters. If you can make a point of utilizing your intuition, building bridges, and viewing potential contacts as alliances—something more than just a name and email address—you’ll soon find yourself making connections with people who can help you take your business to even greater heights. You might even end up with a great friend or two in the process.