Rewriting your story is both the starting point and a continual practice. Through constant repetition, the goal is to make your new thoughts, feelings, and behaviors habitual, a part of your lifestyle. Transformation occurs when you consistently align thought, feeling, and action so that each reinforces the others. If you fall out of alignment with just one of these, then your weakness in that area will hold you back from the exponential growth you could achieve.
I believe that to think, feel, and act as we choose is our greatest power but the hardest to master. You can’t transform or change anything, though, unless you have a burning desire to change and a new story to replace the old. So where do you find the new thoughts, feelings, and actions that you want to implement? This is where modeling comes in.
You need new ideas. If you grew up poor, you need new ideas on how to become wealthy. How do you get those new ideas? You go and find wealthy people. If you need new ideas on how to become a leader, you go and find leaders. If you need new ideas on how to develop healthier communication skills, you go and find good communicators. Whatever your goals, challenges, or objectives are, whatever you want your new story to be, you’ve got to find people who match that story and follow their blueprint.
Romans 12:2 (KJV) says, “And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of the mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.” Similarly, in The Power of Awareness, Neville Goddard said:
To be transformed, the whole basis of your thoughts must change. But your thoughts cannot change unless you have new ideas, for you think from your ideas. All transformation begins with an intense, burning desire to be transformed. The first step in the “renewing of the mind” is desire.
None of your thoughts, feelings, or behaviors are unique. You learned them by modeling others, like your parents. We all naturally adopt and reflect the behaviors of other people, typically those in our immediate environment.
Modeling is going to happen regardless, with or without your consent. The thing you can control is whether you mimic attitudes and behaviors that align with the new story you are writing for yourself or that keep you stuck in your current paradigm or, even worse, download habits that are far from the person you want to be. As with all the steps detailed in this book, you must be intentional. If you want to ensure you’re modeling positive, productive attitudes and behaviors, you must consciously choose your role models and what qualities of those role models you wish to mimic in your own life.
In Chapter 3, you began rewriting your new self-identity and new lifestyle. Everything must be a map toward that identity. The models you choose fill in the details of that map, revealing the routes—the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors—that will take you to your desired destination.
At this point, you should want to change and to write your new story. You should have a good idea about what paradigms you want to unlearn and what you want to become. You’re likely excited about the prospect of that change, but you may feel overwhelmed and unsure where to start. Maybe you just don’t feel quite ready to take the next step of actually implementing that change in your life.
Even in the most painful situations, people return to old behaviors because their subconscious minds are most comfortable there. People return to abusive relationships; they return to jail; they continue cycles of toxic behaviors, such as eating disorders, alcoholism, or bad spending habits. Many people are afraid of the new and don’t feel “ready,” so they return to old ways of thinking and never escape.
I passionately believe that people are not lazy or incapable. They’re simply paralyzed by fear—fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of not being good enough. All of their paradigms hold them hostage. I believe we innately have a burning desire to do and become what it is that we’ve been put here to do, but we rationalize standing still, and we give ourselves excuses. We say, “I’m not ready. I don’t have the resources I need. I don’t have the time, energy, or money.” Then we act victimized, and we blame, complain, and defend a life that we’ve created.
You simply have to take action and move forward. You’re never going to feel ready, because readiness is a myth. You’re never going to feel comfortable taking steps to do something you’ve never done before. Change is scary, so you’re going to experience internal resistance when you try to step outside of your habitual ways of operating. You can’t let fear hold you back. You only have one life to live, so you must force yourself to keep moving forward and growing.
Finding good models can help you overcome your fear. The more you learn about something, the less afraid of it you are. By seeking out models and identifying the thoughts and behaviors that helped them succeed, you will learn more about what you can do to achieve your own success. Having real-life examples and success stories gives you a roadmap to follow.
To me, Oprah is like the Internet. The Internet has completely transformed our world, and it’s going to be the catalyst for many new developments in the next one hundred years. It has transcended its original roots to become something infinitely powerful. Oprah is a force in our world like that.
Oprah’s introduction into my life was one of my greatest watershed moments. There was before Oprah, and then there is after Oprah. Oprah came into my life at a time when I needed exactly that kind of influence, and she has been a huge, key component to my success and growth as a person. I’ve watched hours upon hours of her truth and her story. She was the answer to all the questions I didn’t even know I had.
I cannot emphasize enough how revolutionary and courageous Oprah was to simply be and share herself in the public sphere. Oprah was one of the first people on TV to express unfiltered vulnerability. She talked openly about sexual abuse and adversity at a time when these unspoken wounds were normally swept under the rug. Before I heard Oprah put into words what sexual abuse does to a person, I felt like there was something wrong with me. I felt ashamed and guilty of the sexual abuse I’d suffered, and I felt like my resulting behavior was my fault. But then Oprah told me that sexual abuse causes people to act out in certain ways, like adopting promiscuous behavior and feeling shame and guilt.
Oprah helped me realize why I thought, felt, and acted the way I did, and her life was proof that there was a way through the adversity—a way to shed the old, limiting beliefs and come out the other side stronger.
I was drawn strongly to Oprah because my story aligns with hers in many ways. We’re both black women. We both suffered sexual abuse at the age of eight and, because of it, didn’t learn healthy views of sex growing up. We both had strained relationships with our mothers, feeling angry at them for not protecting us and for not being more loving and nurturing. We both found solace in our faith. When someone asked Oprah what gave her hope throughout her struggles, Oprah said that she believed God’s Word that she could do all things through Christ who strengthened her. I had heard that scripture plenty of times growing up, and it had also been a beacon of hope for me.
James Baldwin said, “If you can examine and face your life, you can discover the terms with which you are connected to other lives, and they can discover them too. You read something which you thought only happened to you, and you discovered it happened 100 years ago to Dostoyevsky. This is a very great liberation for the suffering, struggling person, who always thinks they’re alone.”5 That was what Oprah did for me—she showed me that I was not alone.
I was also able to look at Oprah and say, “Here is this amazing, revolutionary woman who went through so much of the same adversity that I did but who went on to experience great personal growth and success in her career. If she was able to become the strong, confident leader she is, then I can do it too.”
When I first began my journey of making adversity my advantage, I didn’t know exactly what to do. Oprah gave me a blueprint. I was thirsty for new ways of being, new paradigms, and Oprah was my water. She told me to journal, and I journaled. She told me to practice empathy and gratitude, and I did. I’ve been listening to Oprah since 2005, and through constant repetition, I started replacing my old programmed beliefs with the new, better beliefs that Oprah preached.
Oprah made me grow more self-aware, and she made me want to be smarter, too. I had never defined myself as smart, so that new desire was important to me. My brother was always “the smart one.” I was an athlete who could apply herself academically but never did. Oprah has credited her intelligence—her ability to read and speak well—with being the one thing she could “hang her hat on.” If it was so important to her, I wanted to cultivate that drive for knowledge in myself, too. I opened up a lot of books because of Oprah Winfrey. Anytime she recommended a resource, I devoured it.
To this day, I continue to model myself after Oprah. One of the main reasons I left my coaching career was because I wanted to share my true story, just like Oprah did before me. She showed me that it’s best to be your authentic self and that you might help someone just by telling your truth. She helped me realize that we all share the same human experience.
Oftentimes we don’t see ourselves in other people. You may look at someone else’s life and assume that they’re completely different from you. I could have looked at Oprah and thought, She’s far more talented than I am. I’ll never be that successful. However, just because someone’s doing better than you doesn’t mean they are better than you. Remember: your spiritual DNA is perfect. Whatever makes those people successful or capable is within you, too.
We all share the same human experience, and you can always find points of resonance in other people’s lives. Your current life may have nothing in common with Bill Gates’s current life, but Bill Gates didn’t become a success overnight. He faced rejection and struggles, just like you.
It’s vital that you seek out those similarities in others to find the right models for you. Once I was able to identify all my connections with Oprah, I was better able to believe in my ability to achieve more. If you only look at a person’s successes and the ways in which they’re different from you, then of course it’s easy to think that the similarities don’t exist. Instead, start from the similarities and then begin modeling the thoughts and behaviors you wish to adopt.
Once you choose who you want to model yourself after, you have many different means of gaining the needed information. For me, this has meant becoming an avid reader. Whatever you want to learn about—grief, addiction, confidence, purpose, literally anything you can think of—there’s a book about it. Reading books is a practical system to implement modeling. You can also listen to audiobooks, watch interviews, or YouTube videos of your models, read articles, or even get daily tweets of inspiration. With computers and smartphones, a world of information is at your fingertips.
We are brilliant, complex creatures that learn in a multitude of ways, so take in as much information as you can in as many ways as you can, and find what works for you. Keep in mind that what works for you today may not work for you tomorrow. Different mediums of information provide different experiences and trigger different moods and energies. The kind of energy that will best serve you may change. Some days reading a book may be what you need, while other days it’s watching a YouTube video. The important thing is to immerse yourself in new ideas that align with who you want to become.
Where you end up finding your models depends on who you are and who you desire to become. One way to find the right models is to search for people who have experienced similar adversity to you—people whose pain points resonate with your own.
If you want to figure out how to handle a specific adversity or a certain downloaded paradigm, it makes sense to gravitate toward those who have also experienced those things. If you’re going through a divorce, you’ll be attracted to the stories of people who have been divorced. If you grew up without a father or mother, you’ll be attracted to those who also experienced a parent’s absence.
Your models don’t need to be identical copies of you, though. Even if they didn’t experience your exact adversity, they likely experienced the same general feelings as you. We all struggle. We all feel rejected. We all feel like we’re not good enough.
Right now, we’re fighting for more representation of African Americans and other minorities in television and film. Television and cinema help develop our imagination, which controls our consciousness. Representation is vital. We need to see ourselves in the stories and images we see on our TV screens. Today, representation is increasing, but in the late ’80s there were limited black characters, particularly black female characters, for me to model. Because of this reality, I connected with the heart of characters, and no one had heart like the “Italian Stallion” Rocky Balboa. It didn’t matter that he wasn’t black. He was an underdog, with one-in-a-million odds. He was a real-life hero to me. Rocky was a dreamer, but he also had flaws and imperfections. I saw myself in Rocky.
My favorite scene and quote from Rocky I is the night before his fight with Creed when he’s talking to Adrian about his fears. Rocky says, “Nobody’s ever gone the distance with Creed, and if I can go that distance and that bell rings and I’m still standin’, I’m gonna know for the first time in my life, that I weren’t just another bum from the neighborhood.” I love that: “if I can go that distance and that bell rings and I’m still standin’…” Wow, it gives me chills when I read it. I could connect with that, and I watched the Rocky movies over and over again, especially Rocky IV, which is my favorite of the franchise.
As you peel back the layers of people, you will often find unexpected similarities. In my studies, I discovered that Steve Jobs, the creator of Apple computers and the iPhone, was adopted and struggled with obsessively seeking approval, just like me. This crazy obsession lived at the core of everything he created.
I found out that, like me, Colin Powell wasn’t an amazing student—Colin Powell, the former four-star general and first African American appointed to the position of US Secretary of State, who currently has a building named after him at the same college where he struggled academically. In Powell’s own words:
I had a straight C average all the way through high school and the City College of New York—I’m not sure how I got in…I got straight As in ROTC, so the administration rolled my As into the overall grade point average and that got me to a 2.0.6
I can’t tell you how liberating it is to find yourself in someone else who has reached an unprecedented level of success despite adversity. Maybe Wake Forest University will name a building after me one day.
I’ve probably watched every episode of Inside the Actors Studio with James Lipton, and a countless number of the featured actors spoke of the rejection they’d experienced, the times they were told, “No,” “No,” “No.” You unearth all these facts about people and discover that they’re just like you. It’s liberating to hear these truths because you realize that these people, who are just like you, have gone on to accomplish great things.
Because you’ll always be able to find some similarities with others, another great way to find models is to start from the future. Who do you want to become? What traits do you want to have? Who in the world exhibits those desired traits?
In my case, I want to be happy, healthy, and wealthy. I want to be a servant leader. I want to be a strong, confident woman and an empowering speaker. So, I study people who reflect those desired traits, abilities, and accomplishments. Your own models will naturally reflect you and your interests.
Consider building an imaginary board of advisers. Stock it with a good variety of models. If you want to work on financial goals, then include a few financially successful individuals, especially if you suffer from a mindset of lack due to growing up in poverty. If you struggle with codependency, then you’ll want the support of strong women and should put a few on your board. If you want to be a surgeon, include successful, well-respected surgeons. If you want to be closer to God or stronger spiritually, find a spiritual adviser for your board. Then, whenever you want help in a chosen area, you plug into the source you’ve already chosen for guidance in that area. It is vitally important that you seek information from people that are qualified to help you achieve your next level of success.
Having a board of advisors is a system. I recommend actually writing down who is on your board. You want to be as organized as possible, with a plan before you get to adversity and discomfort. If you already have a plan of who to “consult,” then you’ll be more confident and courageous as you move forward.
People are often afraid or lack the initiative to go outside their immediate circles for models. My earliest model was my first basketball coach, and he was a great influence on me, but if I hadn’t also modeled people outside my immediate circle, I wouldn’t have reached my full potential.
Most of the time great models won’t drop into our laps, but one of the great things about the world today is how easily accessible information is. With the plethora of information available, you can model people you’ll never meet or speak to. Well-known people can make great models because they have credibility and often share specific information about their journeys and struggles. You have such a great variety of models to choose from too, as I’ve personally discovered.
Oprah has been my most influential model, but she’s far from my only model. I’ve modeled many different individuals, both famous and not.
At an early age, I was obsessed with Michael Jordan, because he played basketball and was from North Carolina. Jordan is the best basketball player this world has ever known, and I was fortunate enough to have been born in 1980, so that I could witness firsthand his greatness. When his VHS tapes Playground and Come Fly with Me came out, I watched them religiously, and I wore number 23 because of him. I would watch Jordan play and then immediately go outside to practice, trying to mimic his fadeaway jumper.
Many of my models came from the art of hip-hop. Another advantage of being born in 1980 was witnessing in real time the genesis of America’s most ambitious art form: hip-hop. Hip-hop artists were self-made, and I knew I would have to be self-made, too. For kids growing up in the ’90s, hip-hop music and culture swept us off of our feet. It was ambitious, it was authentic, it was bold, it was cool, and it was raw. The music painted a picture of what was happening in black communities around the country, and young people loved it. It reflected a truth that wasn’t being told anywhere else.
Jay-Z, Diddy, Will Smith, and Queen Latifah were particularly powerful models for me. The key behavior I learned from them was how to add layers to what I do and continue growing. Each of these artists constantly worked to present a newer and better version of themselves. They evolved as musicians, and they didn’t stop at being rappers. They became producers, actors, and business executives who worked to use their platform to add more value to the world. By following their model, I too have challenged myself to become more than just a basketball coach. I’ve gone from player to assistant coach to head coach to public speaker, entrepreneur, and author.
At times, even music itself was a model for me. Both hip-hop music and gospel music expressed the themes of struggle, adversity, hopelessness, abuse, and oppression. Making adversity your advantage is the core message of both genres. The music made me feel less alone. It helped me to understand myself. It also empowered me and gave me hope. Gospel music especially taught me that healing is a feeling. Resilience is a feeling, and when this feeling is expressed through song, it can transform someone’s life. In gospel music, this process is embraced with worship.
In a similar vein, I’ve looked to servant leaders as models for how to take injustices like slavery and lack of civil rights to spark indomitable energy for change. All my vision boards include photos of Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, and Gandhi. On my desk I keep a black-and-white photo of Emmett Till’s mom and Martin Luther King signing the Voting Rights Act with FDR. These individuals inspire me to serve others and work toward the greater good. Their sacrifices opened doors and opportunities for others, and if they can do it, I can do it. We share the same human spirit. Their leadership and strength is part of my DNA.
I’ve also modeled myself after many self-improvement thought leaders. Everything in this book came from somewhere. I didn’t pull it out of thin air; I learned it from over a decade of studying people like Tony Robbins, Bob Proctor, Lisa Nichols, Don Miguel Ruiz, Stephen Covey, Eckhart Tolle, Wayne Dyer, George Pratt, Jim Rohn, Zig Ziglar, John Maxwell, Les Brown, and Napoleon Hill.
These people taught me how my brain works and how my feelings and thoughts combine to create my life. Modeling these people and the thoughts and behaviors they advocate allowed me to take control over my life and to connect with and understand people better.
Now that I’m running my own company, I’ve sought out leaders in the business world to model. Steve Jobs is one of those models. He was a visionary, able to see something bigger and greater outside of what was currently there. He showed me the power of the imagination, which is the single most powerful force we have to create change. I also looked to Howard Schultz, a former athlete and the founder of Starbucks, and Ted Turner, founder of TNT, TBS, and CNN, to discover ways to build my business dreams.
I have been especially interested in the early African American business leaders, the ones who did it against the odds, before anybody else thought it could be done—people like Bob and Sheila Johnson, creators of Black Entertainment Television (BET), and John Johnson, founder of Ebony and Jet magazines. These companies sought to portray black people in a new way: not as barbaric or threatening but as successful, smart, classy, and family centered. They gave voice to black people’s true stories. They gave us some of our first images of African Americans from a black lens. I admire these founders for their courage and commitment to positive storytelling and positive imagery of African Americans.
Finally, I was completely obsessed with Inside the Actors Studio for a year and a half. I watched every single one. I love actors and artists. I love their failures and how they talk about them. They work in a field that is rife with rejection, and as a result, they are simultaneously so vulnerable while also being so confident, so sure of themselves. Anyone who performs, including athletes, has to deal with people judging them, criticizing them, and telling them they’re not good enough, reminding them of what they could’ve done better. The actors and performers I’ve modeled myself after have taught me that, to find success, I have to swallow the negativity, get up, and try again.
With all of my models, I learned about their successes but paid even more attention to their failures and struggles and how they became successful.
Not all models need to be famous, wildly successful people. I’ve spent a lot of time emphasizing how this is your journey and no one is going to help you but yourself. Ultimately, you are the only one who is responsible for your outcome. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t find help and support from people close to you. In fact, you can likely find positive role models in your immediate environment, whether it be a parent, a professor, a minister, a coach, a supervisor, or someone else important to you.
These role models can be incredibly powerful because you can actually interact with them. Instead of reading about how they handled something, you can see it with your own eyes. They can also give you firsthand experience of how to build a healthy relationship and communicate well. They may even become mentors for you.
When I was young, the McDowell family and Dana Conte were key models for me.
Heather McDowell was one of my best friends. One day, when I was eleven, her father, Mike, noticed me shooting on a side basket in our middle school gymnasium, and he asked me whether I’d like to play summer Amateur Athletic Union (AAU) basketball. I remember thinking, Play more basketball? Be out of the house? Great!
Over the years, the McDowells became family to me. In college, when I didn’t want to go home over the breaks, I’d go to Mike and Marsha McDowells’ house instead. I’d visit my mom during the day, and then I’d go back to the McDowells’ to sleep at night. They gave me a home. They were my only example of a healthy home, a loving family with a mom and a dad who took care of their children. No lies, no verbal abuse, no physical abuse, no sexual abuse—just normal. Mike is the only father figure I’ve ever known, Marcia has always been my second mom, and I needed both of them. They were consistent in their love and care for me and made me feel like I mattered. Still today, nothing has changed. We are family.
It’s thanks to Mike McDowell and his suggestion to play AAU basketball that I met Dana Conte. Dana was my first basketball coach, and he is still my mentor today. Because my mom always worked two or three jobs, she didn’t have the time to drive me to practices and tournaments throughout the state. So Dana, in addition to Mike and Marsha, made sure I got where I needed to be. Then, at the end of my first AAU season, he told me, “If you ever want me to come pick you up and take you to the YMCA to shoot or work on your game, just give me a call. I go every day after work.”
I took him up on his offer. For five years, when I wasn’t in my high school season or my summer AAU season, I called him every day. And every day he came and picked me up. I didn’t have a membership to the YMCA, but Dana had friends who worked the front desk and would either sneak me in, get me visitor passes to use, or pay for me to get in, if his friends weren’t working.
Interestingly enough, my father went to the same YMCA that Dana would take me to. My dad was a fit military man, and he would be at the top of the track, running, while I was down on the basketball court working on my jump shot with a twenty-five-year-old white man. Sometimes my father would come down and say hey to me, and sometimes he wouldn’t. The contrast between how these two men—my father and my coach—treated me was stark. Outside of my grandmother, Dana has been the most reliable person I’ve ever had in my life. He took an interest in me and honored his word.
I believe that God will send you “your people,” who most times never appear how you would’ve imagined. The McDowells and Dana were “my people,” sent to me through the law of attraction. Through my deep belief and love for basketball, I attracted the right people, places, and information I needed in order to become the person that I desired to be. Clearly defining your mission will save your life. They gave me opportunities to get out of my house and be in a safe place. They fed me and cared for me and gave me the attention I so desperately needed that I wasn’t getting anywhere else. The statistics for sexually abused children are bleak: some studies estimate between 47 and 82 percent of women in jail were sexually abused as children,7 and strong correlations have been found between childhood sexual abuse and obesity in later life. Many people are not fortunate enough to recover from the trauma of that hurt. The McDowells and Dana were my life raft, and I am a better person now because I had their example to follow. Who are “your people?”
I recommend using your past self as a model as well. Think about points in your life when you overcame something. Reflect on your past experiences when you turned adversity into an advantage. Then model your previous success.
For instance, if you’re currently facing a major transition, you can look back at the previous transition times of your life, like the transition from middle school to high school. You likely felt nervous at first, but by the time you graduated, you felt more confident and comfortable. You can take that experience and apply it to your current transition. Reflect on a time you were laid off from your job, went through a divorce, or faced some other challenge and didn’t know how you would make it. We all have made it through some difficult times. Think of a few specific actions you took that helped you move forward, and mirror those. Before too long, you’ll be feeling more confident.
Oftentimes, when I’m discouraged, I have to look in the rearview mirror and say, “Man, you know, you grew up with over fifty foster kids in and out of your home. You were sexually abused at eight years old, and your mother told you that you weren’t pretty or very smart. You watched a friend get shot and killed. Then you lost your best friend in the same year. You were never supposed to get out of that county. But you ended up being able to live out your dreams.”
Reflecting on the past adversities you’ve survived will assure you that you are a strong individual and will figure out your current situation, too. We all feel weak at times, but there’s also a layer of strength in us that can move mountains. We just have to remind ourselves that it’s there.
The first step to modeling another person’s thoughts is to study their life. Jim Rohn said, “The reason people don’t succeed is that they don’t expose themselves to pre-existing information.” Whatever you’re trying to become, you have access to information about it. Technology, finance, athletics, theater, arts, music—there are infinite possibilities when you understand that you have infinite potential. Anything you can think of, the information is there for you to get one step closer. It’s your responsibility to take ownership and go seek out the information you need.
Seek to answer these questions about your chosen models:
Then, based on what you learn, borrow information and apply it to your own life. For example, Oprah dealt with her pain by focusing on her gift of intelligence and seeking to do well in school. I borrowed that idea and began focusing my thoughts on my goals instead of on my adversity.
As with everything in this book, modeling must be repetitive. You must continue studying your models, as different pieces of information will jump out at you at different points in your journey. I’ve “graduated” from studying certain people, found new people to study, and stuck with other people for years and years. I’ve been studying Oprah Winfrey for fifteen years. If I had only studied her for two years and then stopped, I’m not sure I would be writing this book today. I’ve learned vastly different things from her over the years based on the points at which I encountered her in my own journey.
Wherever you are in your journey, by learning about your models you will begin to change your thoughts in two key ways. First, you will believe in yourself more. Second, you will become more heroic.
Models provide evidence. This is why they are so important. We need to know that people who are just like us have gotten through adversity. We need evidence to build our faith in our own future success. Anytime we can increase our awareness and knowledge of something, we become less afraid of it.
As you study your models, you’ll realize that all your heroes, all the people you look up to, experienced fear. They procrastinated. They had trouble losing weight. They cheated on their husband or wife. They had money issues. They drank too much. They were insecure. They made mistakes. They struggled. They didn’t make perfect grades. They were fired.
In uncovering these truths, you realize that we all struggle in similar ways and that we all make mistakes. For me, it was liberating to hear that successful people had also fallen flat on their faces and made poor decisions in the past. Knowing that others had done the same things I had, allowed me to forgive myself, to release myself to move on.
The thing that distinguishes us is not our adversities or our mistakes but how we respond to setbacks—whether or not we get back up after being knocked down. That is an empowering realization: your adversity isn’t holding you back; you’re holding yourself back. You can’t change your adversity, but you can change yourself. This is why the needed power is in your hands.
Models give us the faith that we too can become successful. If they were able to fight through all of their challenges, then we can too. If Oprah could go from being a poor, sexually abused girl in backwoods Mississippi to a billionaire tycoon, I can at least write a book. I can at least try to impact some kids’ lives and touch my community. I can at least do something.
Seeing what others have accomplished will expand and enlarge your vision of what’s possible for you.
When you study your models, you will see that they struggled. You will see that their mom left them or they went through a divorce or they suffered with a drug addiction. You’ll see that something knocked them down.
Then you’ll also see that they got up. You’ll see that they activated their faith and strength. You’ll see that they called upon the hero in them. And you’ll recognize that you will have to do the same from time to time. You’re going to have to put your cape on. That’s the deal.
You don’t have to be a hero every day. Life won’t require it from you every day, but it will require it from you eventually. That’s why the daily practice of building your mental muscles, understanding who you are and who you want to be, and eliminating all the things that don’t add value to your life are so important. When you do come to the fork in the road—the cancer diagnosis, the job loss, the death—you can attack your adversity in a different way. It may knock you down briefly, but it’s not going to knock you out, because you’ve built up the needed muscle. You’ll be able to put on your cape and say, “Not today.”
Be prepared to be active in your own rescue. Tomorrow the bottom could fall out for me. My company could collapse. I could not make another dime. But I’m equipped mentally to be okay because I understand who I am. I’ve been through fires before, and I’ve walked out of them, so I’ll be okay no matter what happens tomorrow.
You should be prepared to use your strengths and gifts for others, too. Part of being your best self is supporting others when they need help. We’re all connected, and we should help each other in our journeys when we can. You never know when you’re going to look up and realize that you can use your strengths and gifts to be a model for someone else. Maybe you’ll become the Dana Conte or Mike and Marsha McDowell in someone’s life. You could be someone’s anchor for weeks, months, or even years—however long it takes for them to see the beauty in their journey and become their own hero.
I was in a leadership position on a college campus for fourteen years, and there were times that I had to step up and be the hero for my players when they weren’t in a place where they could do it for themselves yet. I had to be the person to tell a kid that her dad was passing away and she needed to go home. I had to be there for a player who was gang-raped by five football players. I believe that sometimes our stories aren’t always for us. Sometimes we go through things so that we can help others, and in my case, my experiences uniquely equipped me to provide my players the support they needed.
I encourage you to model what has been modeled for you. Be the hero—in your own story and in others’ stories.
Later on, in Chapter 6, I will talk about identifying and stating your cause. Once you determine your cause, modeling takes on a new layer of meaning. You can see the steps your models took to reach their goals, and you can mimic them. This transforms your cause from an amorphous, abstract concept to something concrete and real, something you can work on every day.
As you look for behavior to model, focus on doing the things you’re good at, doing the things you don’t like to do, and doing the next thing.
As I’ll discuss further in Chapter 6, it’s key that you identify the things you’re good at. Your purpose will be aligned with your unique talents and gifts, so go deep with the things you’re good at. This will allow you to discover your purpose, which will be your anchor when you face storms of adversity. It will give you something that is greater than your pain, something into which you can funnel the energy of your pain.
In order to fully develop your unique talents, you should seek out models who have mastered similar skills. You can learn from them how to refine your gifts and become not just good or great but extraordinary.
I identified at an early age that I was good at basketball, and for many years, I focused my energy in that direction. Like most people, though, I’m good at several different things, and as I’ve grown, my purpose has shifted. In my role as a coach, I realized that, for as good as I’ve been at basketball, my true gift is in my ability to inspire people to enlarge their vision of what’s possible. Over time, I funneled my energy into this purpose, and now that’s what I’m doing for a living. I’m standing up on stages, communicating to people how great they are and showing them how to make adversity work to their advantage.
As I’ve mentioned previously, change is scary. Some of the new thoughts and behaviors you seek to model are going to feel uncomfortable. Your old paradigm will want to step in and tell you to go back to what you used to do.
Your goals and your dreams, not your old thoughts and behaviors, have to run the show. Your new story must control all of your decisions. That means, initially, you may have to do things you don’t like to do. This is necessary to replace toxic behavior with healthy behavior. Eventually the new behavior will become habitual, and it will no longer feel uncomfortable. Think about it like going to the gym. At first, it’s hard to get the motivation to go to the gym, but if you stick with it, the practice eventually becomes a habit. Then, it’s not only easier to go, but you actually enjoy going.
Remember: repetition, repetition, repetition! That’s how you train your subconscious. If you only eat right once every seven days, then you’re not going to create habitual behaviors that lead to results. It’s no different than anything we’re trying to accomplish in our lives. You want to learn how to play the piano? It’s the same thing. You’re going to get there faster if you do it five out of seven days a week, as opposed to two out of seven days.
You can use the power and depth of the adversity you’ve experienced for motivation. Your adversity can be the force that makes you wake up and write in your gratitude journal or read your affirmations aloud. Your adversity can be the catalyst for change. It can be the impetus that convinces you to get out of that bad relationship or to quit the job you hate. The energy of your adversity can be the trigger that makes you do those things you don’t initially want to do.
Don’t try to do everything all at once. Focus on doing just the next thing. Work on adopting just a few key thoughts and behaviors at a time. This is not an “I want abs tomorrow” type of deal. You’re not going to get abs in a day, and you’re not going to make adversity your advantage in a day. Just start where you are, with what you’ve got, and go from there. Don’t worry about perfection, because it doesn’t exist, and don’t worry about failure. Don’t worry about anything except taking the next best action that you know how to take.
The speed of implementation is more important than the quantity of things implemented. When I first started studying Oprah, I didn’t try to model a hundred different things Oprah did. If I’d done that, I would have been overwhelmed, and I wouldn’t have actually implemented anything. Instead, I started with just a couple of the things that made sense for where I was in my journey at the time. Then, after mastering those things and growing, I was able to implement more strategies, and then some more, and then some more, until I was experiencing exponential growth.
In just three years—thirty-six months—your life can change completely. Whether it’s the way you feel about yourself, how happy you are, your weight, your job, or whatever you want to change, you can make drastic leaps, but only if you go into application mode.
Remember: you’re never going to feel ready. Your subconscious is going to try to rationalize and convince you to stick with your old, comfortable habits. Don’t let it. You already know that your old ways of being are not going to give you the results you want. If you want new results, you have to do new things, and you have to act now. Always keep looking forward. The most important step will always be the next one.
I believe environment is the number one indicator of who we become. You can tell a lot about a person from their environment—their job, the food they eat, their home, their car, the people they hang out with. Do they cook meals, or do they eat fast food? Do they have $100,000 or more in their savings account, or do they not have a savings account at all? Do they have strong spiritual beliefs? Do they value family and quality relationships?
It is vital that you create an environment that nurtures your gifts and talents. I did this growing up by covering my bedroom walls with Michael Jordan posters and displaying all my trophies. I wasn’t aware of what I was doing at the time, but I was creating a space that nurtured and protected my dreams.
Environment can be transformative, and you can model environment just like you model thoughts and behaviors. Identify the types of environments that have led to success for others, and work to implement such a space in your own life. While we may not always be able to move someplace entirely new, we can control our environments by choosing where we focus our attention and who we spend time with. And remember: your imagination allows you to go anywhere you want. When you visualize yourself fulfilling your deepest wishes, you trigger an empowering feeling. If you live in that feeling of your wishes fulfilled, your subconscious will accept your dreams as reality.
Where do you spend your time and energy? A dead-end job? Toxic relationships? An addiction?
Okay, now where do you want to be focusing your time and energy? What pursuits or situations would contribute to your growth? Create a checklist for what you want in your environment.
For me, I wanted an environment where I could help more people and leave a ripple effect of positivity long after I’m gone. I wanted an environment of love and growth, where I could be in complete control of my life and work. I loved being a coach, but when I was honest with myself, it was an environment that I had outgrown. I felt I was putting my effort into something that was no longer adding value to my spirit, so I resigned. And I built an environment based on who I wanted to become—an environment where I could practice becoming a speaker, where I could be my own boss, write books, and focus on economic wealth while also having time, freedom, and the opportunity to inspire people to dream big.
You don’t necessarily need to quit your job or upend your life; even small changes in your environment can have big ramifications. For example, back when I was drinking heavily, my environment revolved around alcohol. I spent my time at bars and social events, always looking for a reason to celebrate, expecting to be drunk. That environment assisted in my excessive alcohol consumption, which, as I already stated, nearly derailed my life. Now I don’t go to bars to get drunk. I don’t hang around people who drink to get drunk. I don’t drink socially. I don’t keep alcohol in my house. I’ll never get another DUI because I’ve removed alcohol from my environment. Good or bad, positive or negative, it’s hard for something to become a reality if it’s not in your environment.
If your environment is aligned with your goals, you will achieve them more easily. Design your environment so that you are spending your time on worthwhile pursuits. Remove distractions and temptations and surround yourself with positive influences. Make everything intentional.
Who you choose to spend your time with is key. You will naturally model the behavior of those around you, so you must choose those people wisely. Something you’ll likely notice when you study your models is that successful people only hang around people who match their energy. You must become a master at owning your space, and you must only invite people into your world who deserve your energy and who can add value to your space.
When it comes to the people in my life, I live by two acronyms: OQP and PPP.
OQP stands for “only quality people.” Period. That’s a nonnegotiable. I don’t do negativity. I don’t do bad energy. I don’t do pity parties. That doesn’t mean I completely avoid people like that; they just don’t get to live permanently in my world. Only people whose thinking and ideals align with mine become a significant part of my life.
PPP stands for “productive, profitable, or positive.” Think of the five people you spend the most time with. Are they positive? If so, great. If not, they’d better be making you money. If they’re not making you money, they’d better be helping you be productive. PPP is a good way to figure out if your inner circle is helping you reach your desired outcomes and to weed out people who aren’t contributing to your life.
Cutting people out of your life can be painful and difficult, but you must put yourself and your growth first. Sometimes other people simply aren’t at a stage in their own journey that aligns with yours. You must continue on your own path while letting them follow theirs. This will open up room in your life for the right people to enter.
What about elements of your environment that you can’t control? I believe that you can do whatever you make up your mind to do, and you likely control far more aspects of your environment than you realize.
Many times when people say they “can’t” avoid someone in their life, it’s because they feel an obligation to that person. Often it may be a family member or a significant other.
At twenty-three I decided that my mother wasn’t adding value to my life and so she could not be a part of my world. I was incredibly cutthroat in that way. I don’t recommend this for everyone. As I’ve discussed, I don’t have strong ties to family, and that has been a blessing in a way. I feel no obligation to have anybody in my world who doesn’t deserve to be there, even if they are “family.” I’ve never felt so strongly attached to another being that I need them in my space even though they cause me discomfort or pain or take away my joy.
Many people, though, have to face the internal conflict of recognizing someone is a negative influence but still loving that person and feeling an obligation to them. Sometimes it’s necessary to sit down with that person and have an adult conversation. Consider letting the person in question know that you’re trying to do x, y, and z and can’t afford to dedicate your time and energy to the relationship. “My goal is to finish my master’s degree while raising my child” or “My goal is to become the best version of myself. In order to do that I must direct my focus and attention elsewhere.”
Sometimes you will have to make decisions that are in your best interest and not worry about the opinions of others. That can be really tough, but it will be better for you in the long run. Your ability to establish boundaries for people will aid you tremendously in making adversity your advantage.
If for some reason you can’t completely cut someone out of your life—for example, maybe you have to interact with your ex because of children you have together—set clear boundaries. Refuse to give any more time or energy to that individual than necessary.
Also give yourself permission to change your mind. That’s what I had to do leaving my coaching career. I loved basketball more than anything. I identified as a basketball coach, and if you’d asked me ten years ago, I would’ve said I was going do it for the rest of my life. But I changed my mind, and that’s okay. I grew. I evolved. I became more conscious of who I am and what I wanted. If you are challenging yourself to grow, things will change. You have the right to change your mind in regard to your relationships, your job, your life—everything.
If you do find yourself in an environment you can’t improve, the first thing you must do is decide that this space you’re in and the people you are around are temporary. Begin planning ahead for a way out. If you’re emotionally or financially dependent on someone, strategize a way to become independent. It’s liberating to be free from worry about someone else’s opinions, approval, financial assistance, or emotional support. You can be handicapped by reliance on these things. Independence will give you the freedom to be more of yourself.
Next, after deciding that the situation is temporary, begin living out of your imagination. Create a new story for the situation. When we speak negatively about negative people and negative situations, we only bring more negativity to our journeys. If you instead adopt a positive attitude, the law of attraction will work to bring more positivity into your life. Remember: the subconscious accepts everything you feed it.
Maybe your boss doesn’t value you and puts you down, but you can’t afford to quit your job before finding a new one. First, decide the situation is temporary, and start looking for a new job with a more productive, positive environment. At the same time, pledge to see the best in your boss and decide that he’ll see the best in you, too. Communicate that aloud to yourself every day so that you can see him through a better lens. Look for the lessons this moment is supposed to teach you, and work to be grateful for them.
Success is a process. Jay-Z didn’t get signed to a major record label right away. No, he sold CDs out of his car. Beyoncé wasn’t a Grammy winner right away, though she’s now the most nominated woman in the award’s history. Michael Jackson was told he couldn’t transition from bubblegum pop music with the Jackson 5 to be a serious solo artist. Similarly, you’re not going to achieve all that you want right away. Luckily, successful people leave behind blueprints for you to follow.
Seeing how others made the journey will reveal the steps you can take to get there, too. You don’t need to reinvent the wheel. Take advantage of all the information and wisdom your models provide. Find the right thoughts, behaviors, and environments to model. Then be a model for someone else.
5 James Baldwin, “An Interview with James Baldwin” [interview by Studs Terkel in 1961], Conversations with James Baldwin (Jackson: University Press of Mississippi, 1989).
6 Nikki Schwab, “Colin Powell: Bad Student,” Washington Examiner, May 30, 2012, https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/colin-powell-bad-student.
7 Chandra Bozelko, “Sexual Abuse Survivors Deserve Help, Not Punishment,” Huffpost, February 18, 2018, https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/opinion-bozelko-sexual-abuse-prison_us_5a871e17e4b00bc49f43c39a.