The After-Party: Instructions for Following Up
Most of the time, or at least much of the time, you will find you have had a good time at the party. You will arrive home feeling proud and maybe even glowing inside, thinking how glad you are that you decided to go to the event. (I often find that it only takes one really fun conversation to make the party worthwhile.) Now you are recalling the great conversation you had with one or with several people you met. Should you let this feeling fade away along with the memory of the taste of the caviar canapés?
Whether it’s prospective business contacts, potential friends, or a candidate for romance, it behooves you to try to pursue the people if you had such a good time talking to them. Will you be able to recapture the moment—the magic of the bonding, the laughter, the sense of kindred spirit you shared? Who knows? You certainly won’t know until you try. One thing is for sure: Many long-term friendships begin with one good mingle.
The beauty of modern technology is that it is so much easier now to connect after a social event. In the Olden Days (by “Olden Days” I mean twenty years ago) we had no other choice but the phone, which even then was intrusive, because it puts the other person on the spot. It was also kind of scary for the caller, because of the possibility of a real-time, voice-to-voice rejection. Young people today have no idea of the terror that could be induced by the anticipation of having to leave an answering machine message you could not take back. It some cases, depending on why and who you were calling, it was like being asked to give a little impromptu speech in front of the person’s whole family. Thank god for our electronic devices—among other things, they are invaluable for social first steps, for fostering new relationships. They allow us to make safe, casual overtures using exactly the right tone and method appropriate for the situation.
So which form of connecting should you use? Email? Facebook? It really depends on your age, and the age of the person you are contacting. It also depends on whether it’s business or pleasure, as well as on what kind of information you exchanged with the person while you were at the party. For example, if you exchanged business cards, email may be your best choice, but if you exchanged cell phone info you are obviously going to be texting. Many people just hand their phone to the other person while they are talking, so they can put their contact information into their list of contacts. (This of course is a good sign for a future relationship.) Other people will write their emails on the back of the other person’s business card. I know people who always initiate “first contact” by way of a Facebook message; other people I interviewed would never think of doing that.
Most people will either send an email, text, or connect on Facebook, Twitter, or LinkedIn. However, if you had a half-hour conversation with someone about how much you both love to post on a particular forum, by all means, connect with him there. Whatever your avenue of communication, don’t be offended if it takes the other person a while to reply. People have vastly different social media and email habits. Some people check all their social media sites constantly, others only once every so often. Some people don’t check their email for three days. Others check it every hour.
Here are a few quick tips on each of the major following-up modes:
Many people prefer email because it allows you to write a well-thought-out message, and it is less intrusive than sending a text. On the other hand, a lot of people use texting for everything and it can be a more casual way to say “Hi, glad to meet you.” In either case, watch your use of emojis and emoticons until you know the person better. And don’t include the new contact in a group message so that his information is visible to people he may not know.
Some people love it, some people hate it. Facebook now has 1.23 billion users, so it is probably here to stay. The best thing it has going for it is that whoever you want to find is probably there. This is often the perfect venue to use a day or two after the party when you want to reach out to someone you met but you did not get their information and you can’t quite recall their last name. If the person is a Facebook friend of the hostess, you can more than likely locate him by looking through the hostess’s list of Friends. If you find the person, I recommend you send him a Facebook direct message, rather than a friend request (that could come later). To direct-message someone, go to their page and click on “Message.” Do not post anything on their timeline unless you are sure they want all three hundred of their “Friends” to see it.
LinkedIn is primarily a business networking site, a place where people present their professional profiles and make connections for career advancement or visibility. It is good for following up with someone you met in a business context. Keep in mind, however, that when you request that someone add you to their professional network on LinkedIn, it may take a long time for them to respond. Most people use that as a kind of résumé bulletin board, and are not actively engaging there. LinkedIn is probably the least invasive or aggressive way of connecting with someone because it does not imply a friendship in any way. You can send direct messages on LinkedIn, after you are connected to each other, but people usually do not get in touch that way socially.
Twitter is much more public, and I happen to find it much easier and more straightforward in many ways than a lot of other sites. Because it is not about connecting as “friends” it can be an easier place to make a tentative connection with someone you have met who you either feel is out of your social sphere (so you don’t feel comfortable emailing him or connecting on Facebook) or who you just want to keep an eye out for what he’s up to. On one occasion I met a famous New York Times columnist with whom I had a very nice but brief conversation. The next day I followed him on Twitter. I was delighted when he followed me back, but I would not have been insulted had he not. Now, since we are connected, I could direct-message him (which I would do very sparingly) should I ever want to contact him for professional reasons.
Whether you choose to use Text, Email, Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, or messenger pigeon, here are some suggestions on how to word your follow-up.
Note: Don’t expect to make a “date” right away. Your follow-up should just be to connect and let the person know they made an impression. If it’s appropriate, remind him of the conversation you had either by making a reference to it or sending a picture or a link. If you had a funny exchange about a particular meme, it might be a nice way of following up to send the person a new link of that meme, something that he might not have seen yet. In a sense, you are continuing the conversation. You can even follow up with a link to those cat videos you really wanted to show him during the party (but you didn’t because it would have been bad smartphone etiquette; see here).
Don’t immediately ask the new contact to LIKE something of yours. Don’t try to sell them anything right away. Go slowly and wait for a response back.
Here are some sample follow-up lines:
“That was such a great party. Loved meeting you and your husband. Let’s keep in touch.”
“Hello! I met you last night—we talked about being the only two who love licorice ice cream. It was lovely meeting you. Here’s my website and email info. Hope to run into you again soon.”
“Okay, you were right, I checked and it was Matt Dillon in that movie. Anyway, it was so nice meeting you. See you again I hope.”
“Hi Bobby. It was great chatting with you last nite. I thought you might like to see the article I was referring to. Here’s the link:________ Say hi to Sue for me, and next time you are coming to the East Village please give me a call!”
Phonethics: When to Use Your Voice
It’s amazing how quickly phone calls have become outmoded. These days most people will not even call their friends until they have mutually arranged a time beforehand. I know twenty-year-olds who never, ever check their voice mail. (They might see who has called them, but they won’t listen to the actual message.) Because it is so unusual and the most intrusive way of reaching out other than showing up at the person’s door, a phone call surprises, even irritates, when you call out of the blue.
But here’s the thing: The voice is a hundred times more powerful than the written word. The sound of a voice evokes emotions and memory the way no text ever can. And there are some instances (rare, I admit) when a phone call at just the right time could completely cement the budding relationship.
Let’s say you had an amazing conversation with a woman named Karen about your PEZ collection. You discovered at the party that you both have more than two hundred PEZ dispensers. You spent almost an hour talking to her and laughing about how weird it was to find another person who collects them. The next day, you are listening to the radio, and suddenly there is a segment on PEZ collections! You race to your purse, find Karen’s card, and call her up immediately to tell her the program is on. This is a totally respectable reason for calling. By connecting by phone you have jumped up one level in intimacy. The sound of your voice is the best reminder of how much fun you had talking.
The Power and Glory of the Handwritten Note
Yes, as old-fashioned as hand-knit socks and butter churns, the handwritten note, be it postcard or letter, still occasionally works like nothing else. Snail mail can be effective when you are writing a thank-you or an apology, or if you want to make a certain kind of impression. It’s such an anachronism that it can be a very powerful thing to do. It’s as unusual as a singing telegram these days. It’s thoughtful and generous, because it takes more time and trouble. If the conversation you had was one in a million, or the person did you a kindness somehow, why not show that you appreciated it? And always remember: Before following up with anyone new, you must be sure that your first communication is with your host or hostess to thank them for the party. If you can manage to send a handwritten note, it will usually score more points than you might imagine. Making other people feel good is one of your goals as a mingler.
It’s important to temper your excitement with realistic expectations, after having met someone great while mingling at a party. We’ve all had it happen. If the conversation is warm and/or intellectually stimulating you can feel such a strong link to the person. You are certain that you’ve met a soul mate, you think it’s a really special connection, whether platonic or romantic. It feels a little like finding a secret treasure. Especially if you went to the party with low expectations. Many times this connection will bear fruit; you will stay in touch, maybe get invited to a party at his house, or go for coffee or to a ball game. However, sometimes you find out it was just a mingling “one-night stand”; you are dismayed to realize after your email or text goes unanswered that he just didn’t feel the same way about you.
This happens all the time, and you should not take it personally. It doesn’t mean the other person did not have a fantastic time talking to you in the moment. It’s just that for whatever reason—business, not enough in common, has too many friends already, wife won’t approve—this person does not see it as anything other than one lovely conversation at a party.
Then again, some conversations are only one-offs for you and you have no desire or expectation to see the people ever again. This doesn’t mean you didn’t like them or that you did not value the mingle. But we don’t always have time and energy to pursue a friendship with everyone we meet. If in fact it is you who sees it as a one-night stand, and the other person messages you, always be polite and return the text, email, or message. One quick “nice 2 meet u 2” is better than nothing. The unanswered email/text is simply unkind, even if you never plan to interact with the person again after that.
Some “mingles” blossom into relationships—business connections or friendships—others merely serve to enhance an evening. If you really want to keep things going, take things into your own hands. Become a host yourself. Throw your own party, and invite all those people you are hoping to see again!
While it’s great making a connection that develops into a relationship, it’s important to value mingling for mingling’s sake. This should be your mingle mantra. All of those great conversations you have at parties, or while out in the world, really do help to enrich your life experience. Each interesting conversation becomes a small part of your social DNA forever, even long after you’ve forgotten it.