It’s true that those you love the most and count on the most can also hurt you the most. That’s because the relationship you have with them is much closer and deeper. This is particularly true in the arena of family. Divorce, custody battles, and MIA parenting cause significant rifts in families, leading to insecurity, anger, and hurt. Questions about adoption (“Why did my birth parents give me away?”), loss (“Why did my sister have to die?”), and abuse (“Was what happened my fault?”) drive wedges further into kids’ hearts.
Understanding what your child really thinks and feels about these events and others will help you act proactively and in your child’s best interests as you navigate the situation together.
Divorce
One of the biggest reasons kids hurt today is because of the disintegration of families through divorce. Children have real questions that need to be answered:
“Why did this happen to me? Why was it my family that had to fall apart?”
“If my parents don’t love each other, will they no longer love me?”
“If my dad leaves my mom, will I not see him anymore? Then what if my mom leaves me too?”
“Is it my fault? Did I cause them to split up? Do they hate me?”
“What if my mom doesn’t have enough money to keep our house? Will we have to move? Will I have to change schools? What about my younger brother?”
“Will Mom and Dad split up us kids? Sometimes I don’t like my sister, but I still want to live with her.”
Many children of divorce worry about their parents now that they’re solo. They fantasize that their parents will get back together and everything will be wonderful. That’s a pipe dream usually quite far from reality. There’s a reason that you and your spouse are divorcing.
When I get a room of kids from divorcing or divorced homes together, I ask the question, “If things could be different, would you want your mom and dad back together?”
A few kids have told me they’re glad their parents separated, since they were fighting all the time. Living apart relieved so much of the constant tension. But the majority of them say yes. Why would they want that, especially if you two fought all the time? Because the mundane, the predictable, the routine is what gives kids security. Long story short, they’d rather you still be together in the same house and fighting like cats and dogs than living in two separate houses. If you live separately, they are torn between the two of you. Where do I go for Christmas and Easter? Mom’s or Dad’s? What if they’re offended if I choose to go to the other parent’s house?
Some kids will create their own fantasy stories about the parent who has left, making them a better human being than you’d ever give them credit for. Other kids see the loneliness of the parent they’re living with and hatch matchmaking schemes, targeting a neighbor or coach as a potential new spouse for their parent.
To understand how kids facing divorce feel, think of them as the dried-out turkey wishbone after Thanksgiving. They’ve got Mom pulling on one end and Dad pulling on the other, and they’re feeling the pain of being stretched both directions. Their parents are fighting, and there are rumors of divorce. When the two sides of the wishbone become too brittle, they break. Then life becomes surreal for the kids, who are defenseless against the changes. One parent is moving out of the house, or the kids are moving out with one of the parents.
What do most parents do? They go into what I call the “not your fault” frenzy. “It’s not your fault. This is between us,” they tell their kids. “It has nothing to do with you.”
Nothing to do with the kids? It has everything to do with them. It tears their life apart as they know it.
Parents who are divorcing are under all kinds of stress—emotional, financial, and physical. As one woman told me recently, “I was completely blindsided. That’s what hurts the most. I never saw it coming.” She felt like she’d been slapped in the face by her husband’s adultery, and she was free-falling down the hill of self-worth. Her husband had already moved into an apartment with his girlfriend. She was left to explain to her young kids what had happened to their daddy.
How exactly do you explain divorce to a child? The loss of trust and betrayal can lead to questions about what love really is, which can deeply affect a child’s future relationships.
There’s no such thing as an easy divorce. It’s not easy for anyone. Yet if you walk into a card store, I bet you could find at least one card that says, “Congrats on your divorce.” Even though divorce is prevalent, it’s a sucker punch for any kid.
Don’t be fooled by your kids if they look like they’re cruising through your divorce. They’re not. None of you are.
Some of you are freaking out right now. “Hey, wait a minute,” you’re saying. “I’m so glad I divorced. I got away from one of the biggest all-time losers on this earth.”
There’s a reason you’re relieved. But that doesn’t mean your child is.
How Kids Respond
Every child in your family will grapple with the hurt of divorce in a different way. Here are a few of the common defense mechanisms kids use to protect themselves.
Kid #1: He will shrug and say, “Hey, it’s no big deal. It doesn’t bother me. It’s better than them fighting.” What he means, though, is the opposite. His world is being ripped apart. The only way he can deal with all the upheaval is to act like it doesn’t matter. But it matters deeply. Such a child is giving you the straight arm so you keep your distance. He’s working hard to avoid any conflict because he’s afraid he’ll fall apart. He doesn’t want to rock the boat and wants everyone to get along as much as possible. If I just lay low, maybe this will all blow over, he thinks.
I assure you, though, that kid is lying awake at night thinking about the divorce, and it bothers the heck out of him. He’s probably silently crying himself to sleep.
Kid #2: She becomes the adult when she sees the fragility of her parents (particularly Mom). So she tries to calm the ruffled waters. Just like every parent wants a happy kid, every kid wants a happy parent. In both cases, it’s an unreal expectation. We’re not always happy in life. Yet this kid works hard to give equal time to each parent. For example, even though she’s more comfortable living with Mom, she goes out of her way to spend time with Dad because she doesn’t want him to feel left out.
It’s even more difficult and complicated for kids to navigate this new world if their mom or dad has a new friend. They’ve always seen you, Mom and Dad, as a couple, but now there’s this thing living with their dad. Imagine what their first response is when they meet the thing. It isn’t pretty or comfortable for anyone.
The majority of these kids feel forced to take a side between Mom and Dad. Then there’s a war of words and more disruption in the family. Very few kids can face their parents’ divorce by saying pragmatically, “Hey, divorce is a sign of our times. I’m like a lot of other kids. So I might as well suck it up and get through this.”
Kid #3: This kid will hide out. She’ll get quiet and conceal her feelings. But let me assure you, still waters do run deep, and they can be incredibly dangerous. She’s likely sticking her head in the sand emotionally and isolating herself so she can ask herself terrifying questions such as, “What’s going to happen to me? What if Mom leaves too?” Someday her passionate internal nature will come out and shock everyone with its intensity.
Kid #4: This kid gets outwardly angry to handle his inward pain. He strikes out at everyone around him—sister, brother, parents, the world. He may purposefully do things like destroy a sibling’s toy, leave his bike out in the rain, or ruin his dad’s prize baseball card to get attention.
What is this surly, antagonistic kid saying when he argues about everything? “I feel hurt by life. Therefore, I have the right to strike out at others and to make them miserable.”
Kid #5: She becomes the drama queen who overreacts to everything:
“How come things aren’t like they were?”
“Why do we have to do this? It’s stupid.”
“Can’t we just do it like we used to?”
Her attention is so focused on her own emotionally messy state that she doesn’t show much understanding of the new financial situation or any new restrictions. She acts clueless because she is. But underneath her behavior is a boatload of hurt.
The essential question at the core of custody battles is, “Who is going to win here?” It’s an extension of the pull and push between the parents that caused the divorce in the first place. In the middle between the warring parties are the children. The truth is that it’s often out of vindictiveness that someone insists on custody.
Joy was in just such a situation, with her soon-to-be ex trying to get back at her by filing for full custody of the kids. She was shocked when I advised her, “Look him right in the eye and say, ‘Okay, you can have the kids.’”
But her backing off did the trick. The husband was the CEO of a company. What was he going to do with three kids under the age of seven at home? Take them to his mother’s house three states away?
So if your ex unrealistically wants the kids, don’t fight. Take the “you want ’em, you take ’em” approach. You’ll save yourself a boatload in legal fees and still end up with the kids. Even if he takes them initially, chances are by the end of a couple of weeks, when he’s used up his vacation time and can’t find anyone to watch them, he’ll decide that you would be a better custodian.
The Best Ways to Help Your Kids
When you’re hurting yourself from this turn of events in your life, what can you do for your kids?
- Be the adult. Don’t bring your personal business and squabbles into your conversation with your kids. Don’t use them as your sounding board for all the things you hate about your ex. If you start putting down your ex in front of your kids, you’re only asking for them to defend him vociferously. It’s far better to extend that olive branch to your ex-spouse, even if he doesn’t deserve it, for the kids’ sake. Getting into a power struggle won’t help any of you. The ones who pay for it the most are your kids.
- Don’t hammer your kids with questions. Specifically, don’t ask what they do when they are with your ex. You aren’t licensed to be a private eye, so don’t go there. Instead, ask your children about their thoughts and feelings. “I know this is tough on everybody. I want to know how you’re doing. You okay?” Turn the focus to them and their activities rather than on the difficulties of your divorce.
- Make as few changes as possible during this tumultuous time. The very nature of divorce creates all kinds of changes—moving apartments, selling a home, moving to a different school district. But keep things as simple and close to what your child is used to as you can.
- Don’t bounce your kid around like a rubber ball. With most divorces, parents want to split the kid in half and do the 50/50 thing. I’m adamantly against that approach because of the toll it takes on the kids, who are already stressed. I always tell divorcing couples, “If you’re so high on having to spend equal time with your kid, then you two move from place to place and let the kid stay in his own home.”
Now I know that sounds improbable and even a little crazy—especially when you can’t agree on anything and that’s why you got divorced—but consider this. Your kids are young. Many of them still believe a guy in a red outfit who drives reindeer comes down the chimney every Christmas. Even older kids are more innocent and gullible than you think.
You are the adults. Your kids are kids. Each of you should act in your respective roles. - Realize that your kids need time with their friends. Those friends are their lifeline to sanity and normalcy when their world as they know it is being turned upside down. If your divorce includes moving out of your neighborhood, go out of your way to keep your child connected to his old friends. Maybe now you live in a two-bedroom apartment instead of a two-floor house. You can still stuff that apartment with kids, buy some pizza, and let them have some fun. They won’t care if the environment isn’t as posh as it used to be. All they care is that there’s food and acceptance there.
- Allow your kids to be a little uneven emotionally. Divorce has just dropped a psychological bomb in your child’s life, so he’ll be understandably upset. If he’s part of the hormone group, he’s already whacked out. That means he needs grace from you when he’s not perfect. However—and this is the really tough part as a parent—you cannot let guilt run your life. If you do, you will excuse behaviors that you never should, such as disrespect and foul language.
Giving your child some leeway to express himself doesn’t mean you accept the unacceptable, which includes any put-downs. You are now the head of your family, and your child has to respect you. Accept that there will be blowups. But those are never an excuse for running over you. You may not take the problem on in the heat of the moment for whatever reason, but the next day, when things are calmer, is fair game.
“I want to circle back to what happened yesterday and tell you that what you said really hurt. I know that you’re hurting. I am too. But I am not your psychological punching bag. I’m your mother. Yes, this is tough for both of us. We will get through it, but I want to do so in a healthy manner. I will do my part the best I can, and I need you to do your part the best you can too. Can we agree on that?” - Have a game plan. In these uncertain times, previous traditions have been thrown up in the air. Maybe Saturday morning was always daddy/daughter time or Friday night was girls’ night. In the absence of those relationships, make a game plan that you can post on the fridge. It can be weekly, monthly, or long-term. Schedule activities and deadlines.
The important thing is that the schedule shows onward movement. Your family isn’t stuck because of this event. Someone is in charge, still leading the flock. You are that decisive leader. You need to be supportive, understanding, and positive and take action.
If you do these things, you provide a stable environment for your kids.
Parents can be missing in action for any reason. Perhaps you never married the father of your child, or he has shown little interest in your kid since the divorce. Or that man still lives in your house but he’s emotionally absent. He might still bring home some of the bacon, but he’s not really there for you and the kids. You often feel like it’s you and your kids against the world.
The Ex
You found yourself an instant single parent through a situation not of your making or choosing. Now you’ve moved from Seattle, Washington, to Little Rock, Arkansas, because that’s where your mom, dad, and older sister live. You needed emotional support and financial help to raise your two kids after your husband divorced you.
A month after your move to Arkansas, your 9-year-old son says, “I miss Daddy.”
Verbalizing what you really think about that man won’t help either of you. So you grant in fantasy what you can’t in reality.
“I bet you do,” you tell him. “And I’m sure he misses you.”
“I want to go see Dad tomorrow,” he says.
You know that’s impossible. A plane ticket to Seattle isn’t in your budget. But you say, “Wouldn’t that be great to just hop on an airplane and do that?”
Dream a bit with your son. Then bring him gently back to reality. “I wish that could happen, but we don’t have the money to hop on a plane. And anyway, you have a game this weekend.”
It’s a fine balancing act—an art form, in fact—to pull this off positively. But I know you can do it, because that’s how deeply you care about your child.
As I travel around the country, women tell me about this common scenario.
“He buries himself in work and is rarely there for me and the kids. When I talk to him about it, he gets angry and says, ‘Well, who do you think I’m doing all this for? You and the kids.’ How can I get him to pay some attention to us? I can’t stand to see the hurt in my daughter’s eyes when her daddy doesn’t show. If he does, belatedly, she climbs all over him. Since he only sees her when she’s happy, he doesn’t know how upset she was. I’m the one who has to deal with the emotional fallout. He just doesn’t get that it’s important for him to show up, on time. Sometimes I get really angry.”
Of course you do, Velcro mom, because you are basically doing everything in a two-parent home. This isn’t what you signed up for. Your partner has abdicated his role as a parent. Perhaps he sees it as “women’s work,” or he’s single-mindedly thinking about his career track and assumes, I’ve got the family job done. They’re doing all right.
Add to that the fact that many of you also work outside the home and juggle your own career too. During your precious half-hour lunch break, you manage a granola bar in between making your kid’s dentist appointment, scheduling your pet for a nail trim, and researching the remainder of the work project that’s due in an hour. Then you get a text from your husband, asking you to pick up a cheese-and-cracker tray on your way home since he needs it for a work event the next day.
No wonder you’re feeling a little tired and testy by the time you see that man of yours by evening. And what does he do? Puts his feet up after dinner and does a TV brain rinse while you stare at the mountains of dishes that somehow accumulated all by themselves.
Everything indeed does stick to you like Velcro. And if you’re like most women, you can’t just let those projects go. You’re the one still doing those dishes at 1:00 a.m.
That’s why, whenever I talk to fathers, I say bluntly, “If you’re there for the launching, you ought to be there for the rest of it too.”
It’s a smart man who learns how to grocery shop, cook, and leave his busy accountant job an hour early to be at his son’s Little League game. No woman can be without a relief pitcher as a parent.
That goes for men too. Some stay-at-home dads are in this same situation with their on-the-go wives.
If your spouse has abdicated their role, it’s time for a discussion.
“I don’t think you mean to do this, but you’re really hurting your son. Every time he walks out onto the field, I see him looking up in the stands to see if you’re there. He’s so disappointed when you’re not. You’ve asked me to tape his games so many times, and like a robot, I do that. But I’m done. I’m not doing it anymore. You need to come and see the game for yourself. If you want to record it yourself, that’s great.”
You have to take a stand. It’s my two-by-four theory. Sometimes a woman has to take a two-by-four and whack her husband on the side of the head. With some men, it’s the only way they’ll respond if there’s a crisis. So if you have to start the crisis with a bit of drama-queen behavior (your teenage daughter can show you just how it should be done), then do it.
The years when those kids are in your nest will fly by. You don’t want your husband to miss out.
The other factor is that if you’re giving, giving, and giving more and not getting anything back or getting any support for the kids, you’ll become starved emotionally. You don’t need a shrink to tell you where your marriage is heading.
So don’t let the sun go down before you have this conversation. It’s too important to let this go. Yes, your guy may be concerned about his company downsizing. He may be acting this way because he’s fearful that if he doesn’t continue to give 150 percent at work, he’ll find himself on the short list. However, if he doesn’t pay attention to his family, he won’t have anyone to come home to.
The biggest question is, What’s more important—your kids or things?
I trust you’ll say your kids. The reward of their smiles will be priceless.
Adoption
There’s no way to adequately describe the joy I felt when I saw my daughter Hannah with her newly adopted twins. It was pure bliss. Those two babies are the apples of their grandpa’s eye, along with my two other grandkids. In my view all children are God’s children, and there is no difference. However, as adopted children grow, they will encounter significant questions. Depending on the age and personality of your child, some will struggle greatly as they search for the answers.
Every adoption starts with a loss. With international adoption, rarely do you have any information about the birth parents. With domestic adoption, you can usually find out some details about the birth parents and get basic medical history. However, every adopted child has a history of some kind. Some were adopted as babies, others as toddlers, and some not until their school years. Especially in adolescent years, as they discover they look different and act different from their adoptive families, they will ask:
“Why did my birth mom and dad give me up? Why didn’t they keep me?”
“If I found them, would they take me back?”
“If they gave me up, will Mom and Dad give me up if I’m not good?”
“Didn’t they love me?”
“Was I not worth it?”
“Do Mom and Dad love me as much as their ‘real’ (biological) kids?”
These are just a few of the large questions that face adopted children. Pieces of their life are missing, and they will feel that void no matter how much you love them and accept them.
What can you do?
- Talk about the adoption. Adopted kids don’t always have birth stories (though in a few special cases, you might have been in the room for a domestic birth), so tell how you felt when you heard about their existence. Use details. Describe the joy, the longing, and how you waited with anticipation for them to join your family.
- Celebrate the day the child arrived in your family. Tell the story of that event over and over. A family I know who adopted internationally calls it “Gotcha Day” and celebrates it with a special event and a gift from their child’s home country every year. To that child, Gotcha Day is more important than her own birthday since pictures of the day she joined their family abound, whereas she has no pictures of her birth.
- If your child is a different ethnicity, explore that heritage with him. Help him to learn the language so it is easier for him to navigate that culture as an adult as well. Every day he walks the fine line between two ethnicities, whether he realizes it now or not. Understanding both cultures will assist him greatly both now and in the future.
- Realize that because there is some history with your adopted child, she may face issues your other kids don’t have. Adopted children often struggle with fears of abandonment, betrayal, and being left alone. They may have low self-worth, thinking something is wrong with them because their birth parents “gave them up.” They may also fear changing their environment. These are not just imagined issues but real ones based on their background experiences.
Many adoptive parents initially think, Well, if I just love her enough, that issue will go away. You can’t love those intense feelings and memories out of existence. But if you understand them and explain to your child why she feels that way sometimes, you’ve paved the way to psychological health.
When those feelings crop up in the difficult teen years, she can think, Wow, I’m really scared right now. I didn’t expect Dad to go away on that long trip. But I know why I’m scared. I’m afraid he won’t come back, like my birth mom and dad didn’t. They left me. But Dad isn’t going to leave me. He’ll come back when his business is done.
Because you’ve helped her identify why she feels fearful sometimes, she can often reason herself out of the panic she feels. You’ve given her the tools to forge on to a healthy adulthood. - Be the balancer. Even the best-adjusted adopted kids still feel the sting of rejection. For them to be in your family, someone did have to “give them away” (as much as adoptive parents and adoption agencies dislike that term). They are a wonderful gift to you, but leaving their birth parents is a part of the package deal. When your adopted child is feeling insecure, emphasize that he was the most fabulous gift you have ever received. But also acknowledge his hurt.
“I know you will always wonder about your birth parents. Where are they? What happened to them? Why did they decide to place you for adoption? Why didn’t they want you? You can talk to me about those questions anytime. I’ll do what I can to help you find the answers, if we can, when you’re ready.”
Many parents of adopted children don’t want to address those questions openly for fear their kids will feel more hurt, or that talking about the questions will serve only as a reminder that the kid is “different.” But let me assure you, your kid is thinking about those questions anyway. It’s much better to get them out in the open.
Secrets shared are less burdensome, and they draw you closer together.
Loss through Illness or Death
I can’t count the number of doctors I know or have read about who chose their vocation because a parent or sibling died of a certain disease. Watching a loved one suffer and die has a deep psychological impact on a child. It can also trigger fears that other family members will get sick and die.
Justin watched as his little sister lost her hair and then the ability to walk due to cancer. Several years later, her body was too tired to fight, and she passed away. Fast forward a year, when his mom got the flu and had to stay in bed for a few days. Justin blurted out, “Mommy, are you going to die too?”
Truth is, people get ill. You can try to live a healthy lifestyle—exercising, eating right—but illness happens. Everyone is born and everyone dies.
Is it sad? Yes, but dying is a part of the life cycle, just like when leaves wither and fall from trees every autumn. That’s the honest answer.
How can you help in times of loss?
- Have real, honest conversations. Instead of saying to a child, “God took your sister away. He knew she’d be happier and not in pain if she was in heaven,” it would be far better to say, “I miss your sister too. I don’t understand why she had to leave us, especially so soon. I wish we could have had her with us longer. Do you remember when . . . [share some memory you have of her]?” Such a response keeps communication doors open.
Asking why is an honest question, and it should never be shut down. Sometimes there are no answers, and you can’t drum them up, as much as you try. Getting angry about life being unjust is honest too. You can’t control everything that happens to those you love, but you can be honest about not having all the answers.
Allow your child the space to be real, and follow the same rule yourself. Then both of you can get through this tragedy and emerge stronger together. - Never be afraid of tears. They’re healthy and healing. Your child will be comforted just by knowing you care. We can’t control everything that happens to us and those we love. Crying is a necessary release valve.
- Talk about their fears.
Becca was on the phone with a girlfriend, laughing about finding her first gray hair. An instant later, she heard a glass shatter as it fell to the floor behind her. Her daughter, an only child, had dropped her orange juice glass. Mandy raced toward her mother and hugged her legs, refusing to let go. “Are you going to die like Grandma? Please tell me you won’t, Mommy!”
Becca was astounded. Her 5-year-old daughter somehow thought that since Grandma, who had passed away recently, had gray hair, then having graying hair meant you were going to die.
Some of the connections children make are disturbing and unnerving. Nevertheless, they think them. Isn’t it better that they know they can talk about their fears—real and imagined—with you, the one they trust the most? - Be proactive. When something bad happens to someone you love, be proactive when you hear the news. Communicate to the person your thoughts, feelings, and love for them. Bring flowers. Children can make a card and go with you to visit the ill person.
Communicate that not everyone who has an illness is going to die. “Uncle Phil is going through a hard time right now,” you tell your child. “What he needs most is to know that people care for him, are thinking of him, and are praying for him. He needs our love. What do you think we could do to show him that?”
Engage your child in the search for a solution. One little boy took his model cars, tied them together bumper to bumper, and strung them across his older brother’s hospital room. Why? Because the two boys had always played with the model cars together. Chris wanted his brother Chase to know that even when he was in school and couldn’t be at the hospital, he was thinking of him.
Kids are wonderfully creative. Allow them to be a part of the solution. - Keep the loved one alive in your memory. Talk openly about experiences you had with the person who has passed away. Laugh, shed tears, and process together. Just because that person is no longer on this earth doesn’t mean their influence and life lessons have to stop.
Abuse
There is nothing worse than being abused by someone you trust, or having it happen in a place that you consider safe and where you spend the majority of your time. It is the most horrific of all betrayals to a child and has a lasting impact on his worldview and relationships.
In today’s fragmented world, with complicated family relationships, abuse is on the rise. Abuse can be verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual. Abuse is not a mistake, a one-time happening because someone got angry or had extra testosterone coursing through their veins that made them act in such a way. No, abuse is a crime.
Sexual abuse is the huge elephant on the couch that no one wants to talk about. One in four women are sexually assaulted on college campuses, for example.1 Sadly, there’s a higher probability that sexual abuse will happen in a child’s home than anywhere else. It can also come from extended family members or trusted individuals your child has a lot of interaction with—her swim coach, his Little League coach, a babysitter, the next-door neighbor.
With sexual abuse, people mistakenly assume it’s all about the sex. But it’s more about the wielding of power over someone weaker. Neither boys nor girls are immune. Though there are more male abusers (fathers, stepfathers, uncles, brothers, cousins), females can also be abusers. The females are less likely to be reported, though, because of the cultural shame factor boys feel at being dominated by women. Also, don’t assume sexual abuse is all male to female or female to male. It can be female to female or male to male.
Kids who are being abused will often keep that knowledge a secret, due to shame that it’s their fault, the resulting low self-worth, or fear. Abusers often hold two cards over a child’s head: “If you don’t do what I say, I’ll kill you,” or, “If you don’t do what I say, I’ll do this to your sister.” As a result, the child harbors her fear inside and takes the hits silently unless someone steps in to help her.
You, parent, have to be her protector, even if that means going against your spouse, your live-in, your brother, or even one of your other children. Jen, a working mom, was devastated when she found out her older son was sexually abusing her 7-year-old daughter after bringing her home from school.
The unexpected can happen . . . right in your own home. If you see any hint of abuse, get to the bottom of it immediately.
Oprah Winfrey got straight As on her report card as a child. She was kind, giving to others, and outwardly compliant. Yet she experienced childhood abuse firsthand. She was brutally raped at age 9, then faced “constant episodes of sexual molestation between the ages of 10 and 14, as well as a series of physical abuse,” she reported in an interview with David Letterman nearly five decades after the events occurred.2
Clearly these events had a powerful influence on her life. Yet Oprah made a choice to turn that horrific experience into a life path of inspiring others.
“Anybody who has been verbally abused or physically abused will spend a great deal of their life building their self-esteem,” she said. “Everyone is looking for that validation. I know what it feels like to not be wanted. . . . You can use it as a stepping stone to build great empathy for people.”3
If your child is being abused in any way, or if you even suspect something might be going on, take these steps:
- Everything else in your life has to stop. You should investigate immediately.
- Ask your child gently about any experiences. Most importantly, believe what your child says.
- Separate the child and the abuser immediately. Don’t leave them alone together for any reason.
- If the abuse has happened in your own home, go with your child to a safe place.
- Report the abuse to the police. Have them help you with next steps legally. Pursue the abuser to the full extent of the law. Even if they are a family member, you owe that to your child . . . and any other children the abuser may come in contact with. Because of the abuse, your family relationships are already severely fractured. You can’t make anything worse than it already is by taking action. Your child, who has been violated, needs to feel your love and support. She needs you to be an immovable rock when it comes to drawing the line about right and wrong legally.
- Get involved with an abuse recovery group. (There are also groups for rape recovery.) I recommend counseling one-on-one as well. Children who suffer abuse may need additional counseling as they mature and ask deeper questions about their childhood experience.
Every child who has been abused feels secret shame. It must be my fault, she thinks, or he wouldn’t treat me that way. Self-doubt, humiliation, and guilt abound. Your child needs to know:
- She did nothing to deserve this. It is not her fault.
- A crime was committed against her, and that criminal will have to pay for what he did wrong.
- You love her, believe her, and support her. You will do whatever you can to help.
- She is safe in her home now with you. No one will get to her.
- You believe she’s strong and will get through this.
In any family issue, you are the emotional barometer for your child. The hurts of life will come, but they don’t have to crush you or your child.
Your child will take his cues from you. When he’s hurting, he’ll model his responses after the way you respond. If you don’t overreact when faced with divorce, custody battles, the questions of adopted kids, and loss, your kids won’t either. So take family hardships in stride as part of living on planet earth. Show compassion, love, and concern to your kids. Walk alongside them as they realize that we all die at some time. Allow them to process and cry without judgment.
And remember, if abuse is going on in your home, it needs to stop right now. Your child needs and deserves her home to be a safe place.
Will your road ahead be difficult? Yes. But you can rise above this together.