Family is eminently important to your child. But as he grows, peer relationships also become significant. Every child wants to belong somewhere. He needs a group to identify with. Problem is, the group he finds is filled with individuals who are all looking to belong somewhere as well. That makes the peer group a tidal wave of insecurity.
Betrayal
There’s a time in every kid’s life where he thinks he’ll never recover. The world truly has ended. That’s when his peers turn on him. Peers can be particularly vicious in the hormone-group years, when BFFs have no loyalty except to becoming top dog in the peer group. Betrayal is par for the course. Cheap shots and barbs abound. That’s a given for these years.
Every child will have his moments when he is the one picked on, slammed, or talked about. The question of the day is, Will he play it cool, or will he tip his hand that he’s bothered by it?
There’s a direct cause-and-effect in peer groups that your child needs to know about. If he tips his hand to show his vulnerability, peers will come after him like bees toward flowers . . . only with King Kong–size stingers attached.
Knowing that betrayal will eventually come your child’s way, teach him what should stay private. It’s not a bad thing to shoot straight with him. “Would you want your best friend to know that information, if she decided someday she didn’t want to be your best friend? If not, then don’t tell her.”
Also, do a little role playing and add a bit of four-color analysis of your own. Ask your child, “If a friend said this to you, what would you say?” Such discussions make long car rides go faster, liven up dinner conversations, and forge a tighter bond between you. So why not pose potential situations? Challenge your child’s thinking. Draw solutions out of him. When you act as your child’s life coach in this way, you’re guiding him. You’re not telling him what to do.
When kids figure out what to do on their own, without micromanaging from Mom and Dad, they solidify their own value system and develop confidence and competence.
Bullying
Bullying is rampant in today’s world. Anyone who is “different” can be bullied and isolated from their peers at school or in their neighborhood. However, there’s a difference between kids simply being unkind because they’re kids and bullying behavior. Bullying isn’t a one-time event. It’s a repeated set of acts over a period of time. There is inequality on one side (five kids against one, an older child versus a younger child, a bigger child against a smaller child, boy against girl). Statistics say that children who are bullied are much more likely to attempt or commit suicide.
If Your Child Is Being Bullied
If your child is being bullied, when do you step in and help, and when do you let your child fight their own battles?
First, identify with your child’s feelings and validate them. “I understand how you feel about getting teased. What happened isn’t right. I’m here to help. Let’s talk through a plan.”
Next, develop your plan, with adult backup available. When the teasing begins again, the child says firmly to the perpetrator, “Don’t do that. I don’t like it.”
If the teasing happens again, the child says, “I asked you not to do that. I don’t like it. If it happens again, I’ll get a teacher or other adult involved.”
The teasing happens a third time. So the child goes directly to the adult in the room to help handle the situation.
What are those actions telling the perpetrator? That the “weaker” child is not weak at all. He’s not going to put up with being picked on. He’ll follow through on what he says.
However, if physical harm is a possibility, an adult must step in immediately. Children shouldn’t handle the situation on their own.
In today’s world, it’s extremely important that kids know when to fight, when to stand up for themselves, when to back away, and when to run. It used to be that two boys could meet in the alley after school and, after throwing a few punches resulting in black eyes, solve an issue. However, in today’s world of knives and guns, the stakes are much higher. It’s best to err on the side of getting an adult involved faster.
I’d also like to suggest that you prepare your child with pocket answers they can give to verbal bullies that will throw them off course or defuse the situation. Let’s say you have a child who’s 13 or 14, an early adolescent. A bully is constantly ragging on him for having pimples. What could your child say to halt the verbal attack?
“You could be right. I never thought of it that way.”
“Well, I may have a face only a mother could love, but I know my mother loves me.”
“If my face looks like pizza, which do you prefer—pepperoni or sausage?”
It’s amazing what prepared answers can do. The bully doesn’t get his desired result—fear or embarrassment—so he backs off and tries to attack someone else he thinks is weaker than him and he can dominate.
If your child has been bullied, he needs:
A blunt conversation is in order if your child is the bully. “Why did you choose to hurt that other boy? Is it because you don’t feel good about yourself, and in order to make yourself feel better, you have to hit somebody who is weaker than you?”
Sometimes a parent has to be the hard truth teller to help their hurting child learn how to relate in healthy ways to others. Bullies have low self-esteem and are terribly insecure. Only by picking on others do they feel they can establish dominance, which ensures they keep their top dog role on the food chain.
Putting others down is an immediate high. They get social attention, even if it’s at the expense of someone else. Bullies are hurting kids too. They’re dumb, immature, and insecure. They, like all kids, need to learn that they aren’t and don’t need to be the center of the universe. Other people do count in life. Other people do have feelings. There’s nothing worse than being picked on in a group and having nobody stand up for you.
If your child is a bully, you need to share your disappointment directly with them. It will sting, but it’s a healing sting. No child wants their parent to be upset with them.
There must be consequences for the bullying behavior. Your child needs to go eyeball to eyeball with the other child—with both sets of parents in tow—and apologize for his behavior. Then he needs to do something for that child or her family. It could be shoveling their sidewalk for a month. Or, if the bullying went far enough, there might be a legal consequence.
Don’t rescue your child from the consequences of his actions. It’s far better he experience them now, as a juvenile, than exhibit the same behavior when he’s 18 and considered an adult. The only way to point him in the direction of behavioral change is if he’s held accountable for what he’s done or said.
You can be tough. You should be tough in this situation. It’s the right thing to do.
Cyber-Bullying
Cyber-bullying and online stalking are on the rise. This means no child is safe as long as they have an electronic device on hand. As long as they have an email address and a phone with which to text and access the internet, they can be a target of people who intend to harm them. That means you need to be smart to ensure your child’s safety as much as possible.
Teach your child the rules of online safety and what information to give and not to give. Discuss realistically with them the responsibility of having a social media account (some children are ready; some aren’t).
Also, with social media, there are very few filters. You can say anything you want about anybody with few or no repercussions. Reputations are made and killed in a keystroke. The impersonal nature of the internet makes it easy to say unkind, disgusting, filthy things about others. It has raised the boldness and brazenness of viewers and commenters to an all-time high. They are saying and doing things they’d never dare do face-to-face.
Problem is, anything stated is captured forever in some form. So teach your child to think before they post. A good rule of thumb is, “Would I want my grandma to see this?” If not, it’s better not to post it at all.
Some things should never be said . . . ever.
Dating and Breakups
Your daughter is 15, and all of a sudden you hear the name “Ryan.” You hear it uttered again and again, several days in a row. I’ve got news for you. He’s the newest hottie in your daughter’s heart, but she hasn’t told you yet. You need good radar and listening skills to pick up on some of these things.
A few days later, she’s crying inconsolably on the stairs because they dated for a couple of days and then he broke up with her.
Teenage relationships are volatile and unpredictable. They appear like lightning flashes and end the same way. Because of peer pressure and the resulting drive for status, many teens today feel like they have to be part of a couple to matter and survive in the peer group. This groupthink can be devastating to those who don’t have a significant other or who are ditched by that person.
Breakups seem like the end of the world when they happen. Recently my wife and I went to one of our favorite restaurants for dinner. Sande asked our server, whom we know well, “How are things going?”
The server sighed. “Well, it’s not a happy house this week. My 17-year-old son’s girlfriend just dumped him, and his old used car finally died. It’s a one-two punch I’m not sure we’re going to recover from.”
We assured her that even some great heavyweight champs have been knocked to the canvas but have gotten back on their feet and won the bout.
Your child will survive even this breakup—she simply doesn’t know that yet. Allow your child to grieve the end of the relationship, but assist her in seeing her uniqueness as an individual, apart from a group.
It’s easier said than done, I know. But expressing compassion and real concern and saying, “I believe in you. I know this is tough, but I’m sure you can handle it. If you need help, I’ll be right here” is exactly what she needs.
What she doesn’t need is, “Oh dear, how could he do that to you? Just do what I say, and everything will be okay.”
With dating and breakups, you have to remember, This is not my relationship. It’s my child’s relationship. Keep the tennis ball on her side of the net. If it’s her relationship, she is the one who has to be accountable and responsible for what happens to it, good or bad.
How can you help? Provide hugs, your best listening skills, and favorite foods. Most of all, tell her stories. She may initially roll her eyes about your story of when your old BFF left you in the dust because she started dating the guy you liked. But believe me, she’ll think about it when she sees that old BFF who ditched her . . . with her ex-boyfriend.
Sharing your stories can accomplish what preaching never can. Never mind their entertainment value. Laughter truly is healing medicine.
Pregnancy
Such things as pregnancy do happen. After the initial shock that you will soon be a grandmother at the tender age of 36, what’s next?
It’s not helpful to say things such as, “I can’t believe you did this,” “Why didn’t you control yourself?” or, “What’s the matter with you? Why didn’t you use a condom?”
Condemning words will only result in a daughter who doesn’t know where to go or who to turn to, or a son who blocks out any of your advice. So what do you do?
You have to have a long, hard talk with yourself first before you can help your son or daughter. You’ll be asking yourself two questions, in this order:
I believe the order in which you ask those questions is fundamentally important if you’re going to end up doing the right thing.
The healthiest way to proceed is to get boyfriend and girlfriend in the same room with the moms and dads and have a heart-to-heart. You discuss the options. If it means putting the pros and cons on a piece of paper so everyone is clear on them, so be it.
But here’s the most important point. This must be the decision of the young mom-to-be and dad-to-be. They may both be underage, but they are the ones who created that baby. You can’t be the one calling the shots. Yet that isn’t usually what happens. Most of the time it’s the mom-to-be who makes the decision, often with pressure from one or both of her parents.
It helps to stand back and look at the bigger picture here. I’ve seen how it plays out in the many families I’ve counseled over the years. There are generally four options, and only one of them is good.
Option 1: The young couple is forced to get married.
Option 2: The baby is aborted.
Option 3: The girl decides to keep the baby herself.
Option 4: The baby is adopted by a family who is eagerly awaiting such a gift.
Let’s take a look at the options individually.
Option 1: Realistically the father of the baby often flees upon initial news of the pregnancy. If he sticks with the mother through the pregnancy, after “the big event” is over, the couple typically breaks up.
If they do go the route of getting married, they have a hard road. One or both may still be in high school. An after-school job can’t pay rent, nor can a low-income job without a college diploma. Financial pressure and handling a mature relationship too early are stresses that don’t make for longevity. And where will the couple live? With his parents? With her parents? Neither situation is ideal.
Can this young couple make it? Sure. But the chances are slim. What of the baby then?
Option 2: It’s interesting that the United States protects the eggs of the bald eagle and spotted owl, yet we seem to have no problem aborting millions of human babies annually. I’ll state my bias wholeheartedly. I believe that life starts at conception and needs to be protected.
Even if you don’t believe that, take a look at all the psychological trauma that women suffer from as a result of abortions, even years later: guilt, feeling dirty, sadness, anxiety attacks, depression, grief, thoughts of suicide. The path many women face after abortion is, “Don’t talk. Don’t feel. Keep the secret,” says author Trudy M. Johnson.8 Thousands of women have gone through an abortion in a spur-of-the-moment decision when they hit the panic button, and they regretted it a million times. Do you really want that in the future of your daughter or your son’s girlfriend?
Option 3: Some girls, especially if they’re young, think of babies as dolls to play with. It’s a brief journey into la-la land. But when that baby keeps her up at night, she has a difficult time finishing high school, or the baby gets ill, high school moms have few resources. Not to mention that most teenagers discover they need to have a life and want to recirculate with their friends and have fun like others their age.
She’ll likely end up doing the mommy thing for a little while and then passing the baton of parenthood to . . . guess who? Her parents, who end up as parent and grandparent for the child. But if you’re the parents, did you sign up to have a surprise baby at age 36—after you’ve already nearly completed rearing three others? How will you feel when your daughter gets a new boyfriend and goes off to college, and you’re taking care of her 3-year-old?
Option 4: This is the clear choice from all perspectives. However, there are varying ways to do it.
Many families who choose this option—to birth the baby and grant a waiting couple the gift of a lifetime—send the pregnant teen to another state to “study,” so she can have the baby there and then come home like nothing happened. It’s the “secret” no one talks about.
But let me caution you. This path may sound good, because then neither set of parents nor their kids have to feel any public shame. However, this is exactly the time both families should be rallying around the young couple, supporting them.
The boy who got his girl pregnant has to stand by her. He needs to be financially involved in taking care of medical expenses. He should spend time with her and do things for her. He may be only 16 and have to juggle all these things with his sports activities, but he’ll soon be a father. A dose of responsibility now will save him and you a boatload of problems later. It would also be good if he had a man-to-man talk with his parents, who can instruct him on how to prevent babies being conceived in the future.
The pregnant mom needs her family’s support now more than ever, as her body changes and her emotions fluctuate. Sure, there are homes elsewhere, or a loving aunt and uncle who can help her, but no one can replace you, Mom and Dad. She needs to be in your home.
Yes, it will be uncomfortable for everyone. If she continues going to the same high school, she’ll have to endure the gossip and everyone watching her belly grow. Then again, with today’s social media buzz, everyone will know about her situation anyway. In years past, if you were pregnant, you wore a scarlet P around your neck and were kicked out of school. However, today pregnant teens are in nearly every public school system in America. In fact, special programs are designed just for them.
There are lots of wonderful organizations to assist in the adoption process. I’m very biased about one of them. It’s called Kindred and is run by none other than my fourth child, Hannah Eloge, who lives in the Chicago area. She assists parents who want to adopt in making the right fit for their family. But there are literally hundreds of organizations across the country with people eager to help in a loving adoption process. Thousands upon thousands of homes and open hearts are waiting for that baby. What it takes from your end is a young couple willing to work together in being brave enough to carry that baby to full term and place him or her up for adoption, and parents willing to support that couple in their decision.
So have that conversation with both families as soon as possible. You set it up, but then agree that the parents will initially take a vow of silence. The kids should be the ones talking. Can the parents add their ideas to the conversation? Sure, but no negativity. Those teenagers need your help and your support, but it’s their decision, not yours.
Why Your Kids Need You and No One Else Will Do
All of the issues in this chapter—Family, Self, Peers—share a common theme. Your child needs you, parent, and no one else will do.
Your relationship will change through the years as your child grows. It will particularly be stretched as your daughter or son hits the hormone-group years. Just work with the changes, keep your sense of humor, and don’t give up. My books Planet Middle School and Have a New Teenager by Friday would also provide some targeted help for those years.
What will allow your kid to stay strong at his core, holding to your values, and help him overcome any hurts in his life? It’s you and your support.
As a parent, you are the foundation of your child’s cathedral. Upon that foundation, you are the one who places the bricks. They might be bricks of love, determination, strength, hard work, knowing right from wrong, and service to others. Your child’s blueprint—her life theme—emerges along with the unique structure of her cathedral. Every child wants to count somewhere. What will her life theme be?
If you asked your child, what would they say in response to the statement, “I only count when . . .”? Exploring the life-theme possibilities is a healthy way to look at their mind-set.
How can you best help your child with these big internal issues? You can get behind her eyes to see how she views the world—her family, herself, her peers. You can inoculate her against the issues to the best of your ability. But you can’t protect her against life’s hard knocks.
What matters most is that her relationship with you, her parent, stands the test of time and anything that gets slung against it. That she feels accepted and belongs in your family.
It’s a funny thing. Siblings will fight like crazy, call each other names, and drive their parents up the wall enough to make them run out and buy a Kevin Leman book. But when someone from outside the family attacks one of the kids verbally, physically, or emotionally, what happens? The sibling who just called his little brother an unrecognizable name that very morning is now vigorously defending him.
Families are symbiotic. They feed off each other and support each other. They are only as strong as the weakest relationship in the family. You can’t put a price tag on someone who loves you just as you are, and that’s what families should be.
So give your child Vitamin E—encouragement. “You can do this and get through this.”
Run together toward that fear. Don’t allow it to dominate your child’s life.
Be a listening post, not a flapping mouth.
And above all, focus on improving your relationship in every way possible. If your kids are safe and secure with you, they truly can overcome anything.