fn1 A boy and girl can only be fraternal twins, never identical. But don’t ask me to explain the difference. It’s a bit yucky.
fn2 Fred was better than her at one thing, however: customising the avatars. He could customise any avatar on any game so the character on screen looked great – hairstyle, eye colour, skin colour, clothes, teeth, every shape and size. Fred sometimes wondered if he didn’t like doing that even more than playing the games.
fn1 It didn’t help that Eric worked for a supermarket as a retail manager, whatever that is (I should know, I know, but I don’t – I’ve never known what jobs called things like that actually involve). This meant the Stones got large discounts on all their food, especially bacon, and Eric brought home so much of it that he got a discount on his discount.
fn2 I’m aware that there are two uses of the word ‘happened’ very close together here. Don’t let it worry you.
fn1 Another reason was their challenging hair. Stirling and Scarlet’s mum had recently married a new husband, who was a hairdresser. His name was Mr Bodzharov and his proud motto was: “I cut hair” [including his stepchildren’s] “like they used to in the Old Country!” I’ll leave you to imagine what this means.
fn1 It has to be said that they were pretty successful bullies. At most schools these days, bullies are very quickly clamped down on by the teachers. But at Bracket Wood, although it was a good school – more or less – no one had really clamped down on Morris and Isla Fawcett. Perhaps you might understand why this was when I tell you that the headmaster’s name was Stephen Fawcett.
fn1 They had, to be fair, at the time when both their children needed to be thinking about tying their own shoelaces, bought a big, flat, cardboard training shoe. Like this one:
This had worked for Ellie. But Fred was never able to transfer big, flat training shoelace-tying to real, 3D shoelace-tying.
fn1 Which she never did since Janine always made sure the cat slept on her and Eric’s bed. And was always upset that, in the morning, Margaret Scratcher would not be snuggled in with her, but on top of Eric’s head. “It’s the smell of bacon,” she would tell herself.
fn1 Well. As fast as they could after being juggled: which wasn’t that fast as it involved them falling over dizzily, then getting up again, then running a bit more, then falling over again, then getting up again, etc. etc. This made it all the more confusing for Mr Fawcett.
fn1 From Super Mario.
fn2 From Sonic The Hedgehog.
fn3 From Pokemon.
fn4 From Shrek. When she’s not green.
fn5 From Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. Bit of a curve ball that one.
fn6 From Inside Out.
fn7 From Frozen. But you knew that.
fn8 OK I’m gonna stop now.
fn1 Although only along the bottom section of their front wall as, when he tried to put some lights higher up, the ladder broke.
fn1 Still not green.
fn1 Which they were very excited by, although Stirling still thought they could have got a better one at Getmethatgadget.
fn1 I mean obviously mysteriously – he spoke mysteriously all the time – but he was adding extra mystery at this point. Like a special, added, extra shot of mystery.
fn1 Not, I should stress, anywhere near Eric’s bottom – he had become much more careful about checking behind him before he sat down after that incident.
fn1 The school was open, even though it was a Saturday, because that’s where the team was meeting to go to the final of the Bracket Wood and Surrounding Area Inter-school Winter Trophy.
fn1 It’s actually called a shinai.
fn2 This is going to get complicated. I’ll call him EMWMWTAAPT Morris from now on.
fn3 See?
fn1 Even more annoyingly, its full name this year was actually the Fringe Benefits Bracket Wood and Surrounding Area Inter-school Winter Trophy. Because this year it was sponsored by a local hairdresser. You’ll see who this is in a few pages.
fn2 And one boy called Gerald, who really was a weirdo.
fn1 Some of you may have heard of this boy before in a book called The Parent Agency. He was in a coma for a while, and some weird stuff happened to him, but he’s fine now and back at school. I don’t think it was mentioned in the book he was in before, but anyway the school he went to was Bracket Wood. As it turns out.
fn1 The one at the beginning of this chapter. In case you’d forgotten.
fn1 Barry’s friends also went to Bracket Wood.
fn1 I know this is technically not quite right, as at this point the score is four-all. But the referee, who is not a big character in this story so I have decided not to give him a name, had decided in that moment that refusing to take a penalty because you were too nervous was such a big failure that it was basically equivalent to losing a goal. At least that was his thinking. He told me afterwards.
fn1 Yes, the very same. Told you you’d find out in a few pages.
fn1 In bed. She has to turn up the volume quite loud to hear it over Eric’s snoring.