In Chinese culture, people are connected through a web of obligations and mutual social debt often referred to as 关系/關係 guānxi ‘relationships’ or ‘connections.’
This social debt is created by invitations, favors, and requests, big and small, that have been offered and accepted by others. They include buying small items for someone such as coffee, soft drinks, or ice cream, helping someone complete a task, inviting someone to dinner, or facilitating an introduction. By accepting an invitation or favor, or by making or agreeing to a request, you enter into a relationship that obliges you to reciprocate at some time in the future.
The Chinese expression that captures this social obligation is 来往/來往 lái wǎng, as in the expression:
有来有往。
有來有往。
Yǒu lái yǒu wǎng.
To have give and take.
A friendship is based on giving and taking, and one expects a regular exchange of giving and receiving favors and assistance with a Chinese friend. When taking is not balanced with giving, the behavior is described by the Chinese expression:
有来无往，非礼也。
有來無往，非禮也。
Yǒu lái wú wǎng, fēi lǐ yě.
Taking without giving is ill-mannered and uncivil.
In many Western cultures, the relationship between favors and social obligations is not so strong. One may accept favors without creating any obligation toward the giver. English has an expression that captures this: ‘no strings attached.’ The expression means that a gift or favor comes with no obligations to the recipient. In Chinese, where relationships are built on give and take, favors often come with the expectation of reciprocation. A Chinese friend may be more generous with you than a Western friend, but will expect more from you in return.
This chapter provides the basic strategies for negotiating invitations and requests in Chinese and for forming socially acceptable refusals.
In English, invitations are often expressed in terms of a choice about whether or not to participate:
Would you like to have coffee with me?
In Chinese, giving the listener a choice about whether or not to participate is considered rude. It implies that the speaker does not want the listener to accept the invitation. Therefore, invitations are often worded as suggestions.
我们去喝咖啡吧！
我們去喝咖啡吧！
Wǒmen qù hē kāfēi ba!
Let’s go drink some coffee!
An invitation may also imply that the speaker will assume the role of ‘host’ and pay for any expenses involved in the activity. If the speaker specifically invites the addressee with the word 请/請 qǐng ‘please’ (lit. ‘invite’), he or she expects to pay for the activity.
我请你喝咖啡，好吗？
我請你喝咖啡，好嗎？
Wǒ qǐng nǐ hē kāfēi, hǎo ma?
Please have coffee with me.
(lit. ‘I invite you to drink coffee, okay?’)
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Words and phrases used to accept invitations include:
| 好。 | 行。 | 可以。 |
| Hǎo. | Xíng. | Kěyǐ. |
| Okay. | Okay. | I can. |
Invitations between friends are accepted or rejected without ceremony. However, in more formal circumstances, it is often not considered polite to accept an invitation at its first offer. Typically, people refuse an invitation once or twice before accepting, even if they intend to accept all along. In the same way, the one who gives an invitation does not give up after an initial refusal, but offers a second or a third time before being certain that the refusal is genuine. This cycle of refusal and re-invitation is a social ritual in which you are expected to participate.
Expressions that are commonly used for the ritual refusal of an invitation to eat or drink include:
| 不要客气。 | 你太客气了。 | 我不(吃)/(喝)。 |
| 不要客氣。 | 你太客氣了。 | |
| Bù yào kèqi. | Nǐ tài kèqi le. | Wǒ bù (chī)/(hē). |
| Don’t be polite. | You are too polite. | I am not (eating)/(drinking). |
If you are a guest, you cannot ultimately refuse an offer of a snack or a non-alcoholic drink. After the ritual refusal, you must accept it, though you need not eat or drink it. If you accept an invitation for a meal, however, you must eat.
It is acceptable to provide a direct refusal to an invitation to drink an alcoholic beverage or to smoke. If you do not or cannot drink, say:
| 我不喝酒。 | or | 我不会喝酒。 |
| 我不喝酒。 | 我不會喝酒。 | |
| Wǒ bù hē jiǔ. | Wǒ bù huì hē jiǔ. | |
| I do not drink alcohol. | I am not able to drink alcohol. |
If you do not smoke, you can refuse a cigarette by saying:
我不抽烟。
我不抽煙。
Wǒ bù chōu yān.
I do not smoke.
In general, appropriate refusals for most other kinds of invitations are indirect and involve face-saving strategies. See section 62.3 for polite ways to refuse invitations.
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Written invitations are issued for weddings and formal dinners and events. Formal Chinese events have a fixed ending time as well as a fixed beginning time. Guests come on time and the event ends at the predetermined time. Formal events typically begin with a short formal speech announcing the commencement and end with a short formal speech announcing the conclusion.
The cover of the invitation often includes one of the following expressions that identify it as an invitation.
| 邀请(书/信) | or | 请帖 |
| 邀請(書/信) | 請帖 | |
| yāoqǐng (shū/xìn) | qíngtiě | |
| invitation | invitation (lit. ‘written submission’) |
The body of the invitation includes the following expressions.
• Expressions that say ‘formally invite’:
| 敬约/敬約 | 敬邀 | 诚邀/誠邀 |
| jìng yuē | jìng yāo | chéng yāo |
| respectfully arrange an appointment/respectfully invite | respectfully invite | respectfully invite |
| 恭请/恭請 | 光临/光臨 | 恭请光临 |
| 恭請光臨 | ||
| gōng qǐng | guānglín | gōng qǐng guānglín |
| formally request | (your) presence | formally request your presence |
| 呈送 | ||
| chéngsòng | ||
| formally send a report or petition (to a higher authority) |
• Expressions that identify the recipient(s) of the invitation:
(family name) 台启 táiqǐ
respectfully submitted to (family name)
or (less formal)
致 zhì (the names of the invited guests)
• Expressions that identify the type of event:
举行/舉行 jǔxíng (the type of event)
hold (a ceremony)
or (less formal)
參加 (the type of event)
cānjiā
to attend an event
• Expressions that indicate the location of the event:
在 zài (location of event)
or
地点/地點 (location of event)
dìdiǎn
place
• Expressions that indicate the date and time of the event:
谨订于(2012年7月14日)
谨訂於(2012年7月14日)
jǐndìng yǔ (2012 nián qī yuè shísì rì)
respectfully reserve the date of (July 14, 2012)
晚上六点举行
晚上六點舉行
wǎnshang liù diǎn jǔxíng
begin at (6 p.m.)
or (less formal)
时间/時間 (the time)
shíjiān
time
| 晚上九点散会 | or | 晚上九点散会闭幕 |
| 晚上九點散會 | 晚上九點散會閉幕 | |
| Wǎnshang jiǔ diǎn sàn huì | Wǎnshang jiǔ diǎn sàn huì bì mù | |
| the event concludes at 9 p.m. | the curtain falls at 9 p.m. (the event concludes at 9 p.m.) |
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Close relatives and close friends have an obligation to help you. Therefore, requests to close relatives and close friends are often indistinguishable from commands.
给我那本字典。
給我那本字典。
Gěi wǒ nà běn zìdiǎn.
Give me that dictionary.
我借用一下你的笔。
我借用一下你的筆。
Wǒ jiè yòng yī xià nǐ de bǐ.
Let me borrow your pen for a minute.
给我笔用一下。
給我筆用一下。
Gěi wǒ bǐ yòng yī xià.
Lend me a pen for a minute.
To make a request more polite, you may preface it with 请/請 qǐng ‘please.’
请给我笔用一下。
請給我筆用一下。
Qǐng gěi wǒ bǐ yòng yī xià.
Please lend me a pen for a minute.
Teachers have an obligation to help you with learning so requests to teachers for information can be direct. However, they should always be polite. You can preface a request with 请教/請教 qǐng jiào ‘please teach me,’ or 请问/請問 qǐng wèn ‘may I ask.’
老师，请教 … (这个字怎么用？)
老師，請教 … (這個字怎麼用？)
Lǎoshī, qǐng jiào … (zhège zì zěnme yòng?)
Professor, may I ask (lit. ‘please teach me’) … (how do you use this word?)
王教授，请问，您的意思是 …
王教授，請問，您的意思是 …
Wáng jiàoshòu, qǐng wèn, nín de yìsi shì…
Professor Wang, may I ask, do you mean …
When making a request to someone outside of your close personal circle, you should leave him or her room for a graceful refusal. That is, you should allow him or her the opportunity to 留面子 liú miànzi ‘save face’ if he or she has to refuse you. Here are some face-saving ways to phrase requests.
• Ask if he or she has time.
| 你忙吗？ | 你有空吗？ | 你有工夫吗？ |
| 你忙嗎？ | 你有空嗎？ | 你有工夫嗎？ |
| Nǐ máng ma? | Nǐ yǒu kōng ma? | Nǐ yǒu gōngfu ma? |
| Are you busy? | Do you have free time? | Do you have free time? |
• Ask if he or she has the ability to help.
你能不能帮我一点忙？
你能不能幫我一點忙？
Nǐ néng bu néng bāng wǒ yīdiǎn máng?
Can you help me?
• Be humble
The use of 求 qiú ‘to beg’ makes this request more humble.
我有一点事要求你。
我有一點事要求你。
Wǒ yǒu yīdiǎn shì yào qiú nǐ.
May I ask you a favor? (lit. ‘I have a little matter that I seek your help with.’)
It is not always possible to grant a request, but it is important to phrase a refusal in such a way that it saves face for all parties involved. Here are common ways to do so.
• Promising to try
A promise to try leaves open the possibility that your request may be granted at some point. Here are some responses that promise to try.
| 我试试看。 | 我试一试。 | 我尽力做。 |
| 我試試看。 | 我試一試。 | 我盡力做。 |
| Wǒ shì shì kàn. | Wǒ shì yī shì. | Wǒ jìnlì zuò. |
| I’ll see what I can do. | I’ll try. | I’ll try my best. |
This promise to try is more formal:
尽力而为。
盡力而為。
Jìnlì’érwéi.
I will do everything possible. (formal)
• Pleading a lack of understanding
This kind of response is a common way to avoid answering a request for information.
我不太清楚。
Wǒ bù tài qīngchu.
I’m not too clear about that.
• Postponing the decision
These responses are used to postpone a decision to another time.
我们考虑考虑。
我們考慮考慮。
Wǒmen kǎolǜ kǎolǜ.
We’ll think about it.
以后再说吧。
以後再說吧。
Yǐhòu zài shuō ba.
Let’s talk about it again another time.
现在有一点不方便。
現在有一點不方便。
Xiànzài yǒu yīdiǎn bù fāngbiàn.
It’s a little inconvenient right now.
• Pleading an inability to perform the task
我做不了。
Wǒ zuòbuliǎo.
I am unable to do it.
我恐怕帮不了你的忙。
我恐怕幫不了你的忙。
Wǒ kǒngpà bāngbùliǎo nǐ de máng.
I am afraid I am unable to help you.
我没做过那样的事。
我沒做過那樣的事。
Wǒ méi zuòguo nèi yàng de shì.
I’ve never done this kind of thing before.
无能为力。
無能為力。
Wúnéng wéilì.
I am powerless to help. (formal)
• Pleading a time conflict
我现在有别的事。
我現在有別的事。
Wǒ xiànzài yǒu biéde shì.
I’ve got something else I have to do right now.
恐怕我太忙。
Kǒngpà wǒ tài máng.
I’m afraid I’m too busy.
我沒有時間。
Wǒ méi yǒu shíjiān.
I don’t have time.
对不起，我(那天)有事。
對不起，我(那天)有事。
Duìbuqǐ, wǒ (nà tiān) yǒu shì.
Sorry, I have something to do (that day).
To indicate that your explanation is genuine, and that you really do not have the knowledge, ability, time, or connections required to comply with a request, add 真的 zhēnde to your refusal.
我真的不会。
我真的不會。
Wǒ zhēnde bù huì.
I really can’t do it.
我真的不懂。
Wǒ zhēnde bù dǒng.
I really don’t understand.
You can soften a refusal with an apology by saying:
不好意思。
Bù hǎo yìsi.
I’m embarrassed about this.
or
对不起。
對不起。
Duìbuqǐ.
Excuse me.
不好意思 bùhǎoyìsi indicates the speaker’s discomfort at not being able to comply with a request.
To abandon a request and indicate that you will not ask anymore, say:
| 算了(吧)。 | 不要紧。 | 没关系。 |
| 不要緊。 | 沒關係。 | |
| Suànle (ba). | Bù yàojǐn. | Méi guānxi. |
| Forget it. | It is not important. | It is not important. |