When I buy a book—particularly one where I’m looking for help, support, or solutions—there are key questions I need answered right up front. I want answers to the “w” questions: Who is this book for? Why do I need this book? When will this book start to make a difference for me? I’m assuming the same applies to you.
Who: You’re holding this book because you’re an adult in a close relationship with an angry teen, and you want to end the unhealthy, upsetting patterns, the angry explosions, and the toxicity. Perhaps you’re reading this to help a parent and child in your family or circle of friends. (For the sake of simplicity, I’ll be writing as if all readers are parents. However, there’s much here for family, friends, clergy, teachers, and clinicians as well.)
Regardless, you’re invested in making the situation change. You’re worried about the track events are currently on and the potential for complete, disastrous derailment.
Your teen does one or more of the following:
If any of these apply, you’re in the right place. If any of these apply, it’s a sure bet there’s a communication breakdown between you and your teen that’s at least contributing—if not outright causing—much of the difficulty.
Where: Many of the parents I’ve worked with have tried it all—therapies with acronyms, cocktails of medication, token systems, timeouts, even hospitals and residential programs. They’ve traveled cross-town, if not cross-country, in search of solutions to help their angry, troubled teen.
This book is different than most of the others. This book doesn’t ask you to go very far at all. Rather, this book asks you to go inside yourself and do some work there—and then use the results of that work in your communication with your teen. The where that’s truly important isn’t yet another therapist’s or psychiatrist’s office, and it isn’t yet another outdoor challenge program (as helpful as these may be). Rather, it’s where you and your teen already are.
My experience is that if you’re willing to get fully here with your teen—to speak and act in the direction of where your teen really is—then things begin to improve.
When: It’s a parent’s lot in life to be preoccupied with the when of things when it comes to children. I’m sure you’re thinking and feeling about how long things have been stuck for your teen and wondering when things will improve, or if they will at all. This book is based in mindfulness. So when will things start to shift? Let me put it simply and in just one word: now.
Why: It’s not just that you want a bad pattern to end. You love your teen and want to truly connect. You want to form the authentic, loving relationship you anticipated on the day your child first entered your life. This book goes far beyond helping you manage tough behaviors and situations—problems—with your teen. This book delves deep into the heart of your relationship. It gives you the tools to bring back that connection—a connection all parents crave when they get past the pain and negative habits built up over time.
This book is organized in a clear, concise, and memorable structure to guide you and your teen out of the murkiest situations. The book is structured as five chapters. Chapter 1 provides an overview of anger in teens and introduces the PURE method of managing communication between parents and teens. The PURE method is a four-step sequence of mindful communication techniques. Chapters 2–5 are each dedicated to a single PURE step: mindful Presence, perspective and Understanding of behavior, Responsiveness to the situation at hand, and Empowerment of your teen and yourself. The PURE method guides parents to break toxic patterns of interaction with angry teens.
The PURE steps provide concrete, in-the-moment cueing about how to build effective, compassionate, direct, and authentic communication during tough moments at home. The PURE method, when practiced consistently over time, helps to “purify” parent–teen relationships that have increasingly become muddied by frustration and disconnection.
Beginning with a brief overview, each chapter explains, with anecdotes and examples, the PURE principle being highlighted. Each chapter guides you through the practice of specific mindfulness and positive psychology skills to use online—that is, during real-time challenging moments with your teen. In addition, each chapter provides offline suggestions to help you build perspective and a baseline mindful presence. These exercises, called Peaceful Parent Practices, help you develop an ongoing, deepening mindfulness and a compassion-focused daily practice. Common questions and sticking points are addressed in brief Ask Abblett segments dispersed throughout. Each chapter ends with a short to-do list.
In using this book, you have the opportunity to show your teen how you answer, “What is it we do in this family when things get hard and communication breaks down?”
Through your own example—through your willingness to practice the skills in this book—show your teen that what you do is you take care of yourselves and each other. This is one of the most powerful lessons possible you can teach your teen. Your teen is watching and will learn from your behavior regardless. What answer would you prefer your teen to see?
The strategies detailed in these chapters stand alone and can be used individually to produce benefits. However, at least for the first reading, I recommend that you progress through the chapters in sequence, as the skills you learn will build upon one another. It all begins with skills for establishing mindful presence—that is, your ability to be fully aware and non-reactive to your moment-to-moment experience as a parent. The PURE method for managing communication breakdowns with your teen works thanks to the presence you will maintain from the beginning to the end of tough interactions—that is, throughout steps one to four. Because of this, I recommend beginning with mindfulness and presence skills detailed in chapter 2. Have these well in hand before you move forward with the other chapters.
As you work through the chapters in sequence, I recommend that you continue to practice the skills you learned in preceding chapters. Appendix A, which is available for download at the website for this book (http://www.newharbinger.com/35760), offers specific recommendations for continuing to build these skills in a comprehensive way. Effective use of this book should feel like a rising wave of momentum. The goal is for the method to be portable and doable in a range of situations. By the time you reach the conclusion, you’ll be ready to put it all together and use the entire PURE method in actual situations with your teen.
Finally, I recommend that you keep a journal of your efforts to improve your relationship with your teen. Writing things down will make your efforts more real and help you stay on track.
Before we get started building skills, it’s important to consider not only the reasons you are working through this book, but also why your teen will be responsive to your efforts. We’ll look later at some of the core whys behind your teen’s problem behaviors, but before we do, let’s pause to name the biggest one: it’s all about you.
Among all the teens I’ve worked with over my years as a therapist, I’ve yet to work with any who were completely indifferent to their parents. No matter how much resentment and anger, how much disconnection and disdain a teen feels, a teen’s strong emotions make it clear that parents still matter.
During my graduate school years, a supervisor once asked a group of us trainees what the opposite of love was.
“Hate,” we said with confidence.
“No,” the supervisor said. “It’s indifference.”
Teens often direct anger toward parents because parents figure large in their worlds. No matter how negative things may be, you are still attached to your teen. That connection is something to be built upon.
At times your teen’s anger—and your own—will heat up. This book helps you build the skills to turn down the dial and keep interactions with your teen from reaching the boiling point.