We’ve now advanced through all four steps of the PURE method. Along the way, you’ve done a lot of practicing. As we wrap up the book and our time together, I want to point out the “pure” does not mean perfect. As writer Kurt Vonnegut told an auditorium of us aspiring authors many years ago, “you will fail.” And, yes, you have failed and will fail as a parent. The best results come for parents who let go of trying to force results to happen (remember wu-wei from chapter 4?). Pure is not perfection; it’s moving forward, with purpose and intention, toward what matters most about you, your teen, and your relationship.
Before we close, let’s explore how to integrate the PURE skills fluidly. It won’t work to tell your angry teen, “Wait, I need to check to see what it says I should do in chapter 2. I’ll get back to you and your rant in a few minutes.” You need a sense not just of the how of these skills, but of the when as well.
Accurate timing is crucial to effectively responding to your teen’s behavioral struggles and the emotional turbulence that affects the entire household. Highly skilled technical professionals like athletes and surgeons have to hone their sense of timing—small miscalculations can lead to negative outcomes ranging from lost games to lost lives.
Think about it: How would you feel if your surgeon told you in the pre-op room that she was just going to wing it? That she planned to cut you open and then just address any problems that crop up? We expect certainty and skill in a surgeon’s timing. We should aspire to high standards in our parental timing as well. Arguably, there’s as much at stake in parenting as in many an operating room.
To stack the deck in favor of better timing in your use of the PURE skills, consider these questions:
Skill Practice: Listen, Look, and Leap
Most of us aren’t trained prior to parenthood to smoothly time our attempts to manage kids’ problem behaviors. That’s okay—the following sequence will help you get a better sense of the when of parenting, particularly in dealing with tough exchanges with an unhappy teen. Such stuck moments are ripe for a Relational Compass check (see chapter 3). Here are the steps:
I hated Little League when I was a kid—I wasn’t good at it and was desperately afraid of being laughed at by my peers. Still, the option to quit came with my glove and uniform. Though it wasn’t an ideal step, I could always just walk off the field. And I did.
Coaches don’t have that same option to quit. Captains go down with ships and coaches rise and fall with their teams. They don’t walk off the field and leave their teams literally holding the ball.
As a parent of a troubled teen, you may feel like quitting on a regular—maybe even daily—basis. Don’t deny the truth and pain of this feeling. At the same time, don’t make the mistake of believing that you have the option of quitting. You are your teen’s coach. You are a true mentor for your teen’s emotional self.
Ask Abblett
Q: What about my feelings? My life? Don’t I have the right to take care of myself at some point? Shouldn’t they be responsible for their own choices by the time they’re a teen? Why can’t we just agree that they need something other than what I can give them?
A: Yes, you have the right to take care of yourself, but the goal should be to do so in a way that keeps your well-being and your teen’s at the forefront. Whether you walk away or lean in, you are coaching your teen. Physical presence or absence does not change this fact. As parents we are always sending emotional messages to our children.
After my daughter was born, I remember going for a run outside the hospital to clear my head. I felt so overwhelmed and intimidated by this new parenthood “thing.” I literally felt like running away.
Not far from the hospital was Boston’s Museum of Fine Arts. I stopped at the sight of Cyrus Dallin’s 1909 bronze statue, Appeal to the Great Spirit. I’d seen this statue, which stands at the front of the museum, many times. The statue depicts a Native American warrior, with arms outstretched, gaze skyward. This time, however, I shared the warrior’s sentiment—I felt I needed to call on a power greater than myself to be able to address the challenge before me.
I’ve learned since that there’s a great deal within each of us that we can call upon to make it through the challenges of parenting. Take a moment to reflect on the following questions as you make your way forward:
Finally, try the following steps to help make the PURE skills a more fluid, daily part of your parenting. This sequence outlines the core process for integrating these psychological, emotional, and behavioral skills into who you are:
Professionals vary in what they recommend for addressing the anger problems of a teen, even with regard to some of the points in this book. Don’t allow this inconsistency to dissuade you from seeking help from a licensed clinical provider. Whether it be family or couples therapy, parent guidance/training, medication, or individual therapy for yourself, take advantage of the well-documented fact that a strong alliance with a provider helps produce the best treatment outcomes. If you find any of the PURE skills difficult to develop or implement, or simply insufficient to the situation you’re facing, professional assistance can be enormously valuable. Even when this book helps you make strides, a clinician can help you deepen and extend this progress further.
And beyond skill development, raising a child struggling with anger takes a huge toll on the well-being of any parent. A therapist can help you come to terms with the pain and loss you’ve experienced.
Peaceful Parent Practice: Learned Hopefulness
Let’s end by revisiting a well-researched principle we first explored in chapter 1. Psychologist Carol Dweck (2006) has shown that the mindset we adopt when facing obstacles determines whether we believe that we can learn and grow or if we believe that outcomes are set in stone by uncontrollable external factors. We approach life with either a growth mindset or a fixed mindset. This mindset impacts our willingness and capacity for change. Further, Dweck’s research points to how our children’s mindsets are strongly influenced by our own. Our children are the heirs not only of our actions, but of our mindset as well.
In your journal, contemplate how:
The next time you walk into the room with your teen, set an intention for the fresh possibilities that the coming moments will bring. Setting this intention—and being willing to do so over and over again despite failure—will move you forward into pure connection with your teen.