From the first six weeks to six months of your baby’s life you’ll be dealing with a huge lifestyle adjustment. After you’ve recovered from the immediate physical effects of childbirth, you may have some big life questions to contend with.
Should you return to work? (See in this chapter.) Move to a more child-friendly neighborhood? Worry about getting on the wait-list of the best preschools? Apply to any and every local state program that might help with the huge expense of caring for a baby? Find a support group for yourself?
This section addresses your big-picture baby concerns and the decisions you’ll be facing about going back to work, staying at home, or finding an option in between.
As you recover and your partner and immediate helpers go back to attend to their own occupations and responsibilities, it will dawn on you that it really does take a village to raise a child.
Unfortunately, most parents these days don’t happen to live in one. If you aren’t lucky enough to be surrounded by grandparents, aunts, uncles, neighbors, and friends, you’ll need to build your own team or risk isolation and burnout.
While some women thrive on being full-time mothers, it’s also normal to have times when you feel restless, isolated, and cut off from the world. Staying in the house one-on-one with a baby all day and night isn’t a natural situation, and isn’t good for your mental or physical health.
Whether you choose to stay home or work outside the home, there are numerous options for getting help with caring for your baby. Here’s a partial list of options:
Family members
This can be anyone related to you who will do as much or as little as you can convince him, or her, to do. You may even be able to come up with a creative arrangement. If you have a spare bedroom, you may be able to move in a relative who’s going through a life (or job) change, and have your resident help out with the baby in exchange for room and board. Or, you could enlist the services of a niece or nephew younger than 14 who’s not old enough to babysit at home alone but who could come over after school and entertain the baby while you’re in the house. This would take some of the pressure off you and allow you at least half of a break.
The Top Ten Shocks of New Motherhood:
1. You have a new job title. The job title of mom doesn’t have the same cachet as, say, doctor or lawyer. At train stations and grocery stores, you may find you’ve gone from being a catered-to customer with a cup holder for your latte to having to wipe up a poopy bottom on your hands and knees on the women’s room floor.
2. You’ve gone to the other side. As a non-parent you may have secretly resented your co-workers for getting 12 weeks of leave while you couldn’t scrape together enough vacation time for the Friday after Thanksgiving. You may have thought your friends with newborns just sat around all day, but now you may find yourself cursing the way that corporate America grinds its profits out of working parents.
3. You no longer worry, What if I don’t love the baby enough? If enduring mind-numbing bouts of colic, having your nipples chewed at 3 a.m., and cleaning up someone’s spit-up isn’t love, there’s no such thing.
4. Your partner is also your co-worker. Your relationship with your significant other has definitely changed—sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse (depending upon who is bearing the brunt of baby duties for the day). Watching someone do the housework can be very romantic.
5. Sleep deprivation won’t kill you (technically). It will turn you into a Martian, rob you of all lust, and make even the simplest household duties loom like the Himalayas, but if you stay away from sharp objects and avoid operating heavy machinery, you will probably survive to tell the tale.
6. You discover who your real friends are. Hopefully, you have at least one good girlfriend with whom you feel safe expressing the not-so-great sides of motherhood (even if it’s past midnight on a Monday night) and someone who will come over when you’re stuck at home.
7. A paycheck isn’t a measure of your value. The things you used to think were important, like having new clothes and cars, suddenly don’t seem to matter so much. Time, however, becomes more precious than platinum.
8. You look different in the mirror. There are those rounded curves, sags, and leftover stretch marks, and also the realization that you must be a grown-up because you certainly aren’t a kid anymore.
9. You feel differently about your own parents. Now that you have an idea of what they went through, it’s easier to both recognize their shortcomings and forgive their flaws.
10. You’re stronger than you thought. All the things you thought you couldn’t do without, you’re doing without.
In the best case, the most loving and stable care available. Often free.
Free, consistent, resentment-free care is rare.
It may be more difficult to establish and maintain boundaries with a relative than with a paid employee.
Costs: There may be no such thing as free care: You may wind up being expected to reciprocate in the form of listening to unwanted advice, or have the person leave you holding the bag when they get the urge to get away.
Where to find one: Consider a recent college grad, a retiree, an immigrant, a graduate student, or someone else going through a life change who would like the family experience.
Housekeeper or Cleaning Person
This is someone who will come to your home at regular intervals (every day, once a week, once every two weeks, or once a month) to sweep, mop, clean surfaces, vacuum, and sort clutter.
“After staying home all day with the baby, my husband said I would strike up a conversation with a parking meter just to have somebody to talk to.”
Having someone to do the chores for you can assuage “guilt” and “personality” issues that can arise between couples over unwanted duties.
Unlike housecleaning services, you may be able to persuade an individual to tackle jobs such as laundry, windows, or cleaning out the refrigerator.
Finding household labor is labor-intensive itself. It takes time to locate and interview potential candidates.
An individual may turn out to be untrustworthy or do a poor job, putting you in the uncomfortable situation of having to fire someone who knows where you live.
The best and most responsible individuals may be expensive and demand full-time and/or consistent employment.
Costs: Usually priced per visit and dependent on the frequency of visits and the size of your house. A first-or one-time visit is the most expensive. You will probably be expected to supply cleaning products and supplies. Individuals not working through an agency will almost always expect to be paid in cash.
Where to find one: Ask friends or neighbors for a recommendation; post a job notice at the local high school or college, retirement, day care, or fitness center; or run an ad in your local newspaper, community newsletter, or on your community association’s Web site.
Cleaning or maid service agencies
A professional outfit will usually send out someone to give you a cost estimate, then set up a contract for a team of two or three people (not always the same ones) to come to your house at regular intervals (usually once a week, once every two weeks, or once a month) to sweep, mop, clean surfaces, and vacuum. Agencies typically won’t do laundry, windows, or anything not specified on the contract.
Can generally be expected to show up on time and work more quickly than a single individual. Agencies should be bonded and insured, in case anything breaks or goes missing.
You don’t need to pay employment taxes or health insurance, or provide supplies or cleaning equipment.
Service is usually easy to cancel.
Next to a live-in maid, the most expensive option.
Rapid employee turnover could mean that you never get to know anyone, for better or worse.
Costs: Usually priced per visit and dependent on the frequency of visits and the size of your house. A first or one-time visit is the most expensive.
Where to find one: The phone book, newspaper advertisements, or referrals.
FLASH FACT: Equality of the Sexes?
One study found that men who report that they believe in the equality of the sexes perform an average of 4 minutes more of housework a day than men who don’t.
Babysitter
Legally, anyone over the age of 14 can babysit. At first, you may just want to have someone watch the baby while you’re in the house, showering, napping, or answering mail. This will also give you a chance to get to know and trust the person before you leave the baby alone with him or her.
The quickest, cheapest cure for your baby blues could just be having a pair of extra hands to hold the baby while you take a bath or catch up on your sleep.
Finding someone you can trust with your baby isn’t always as easy as it sounds.
Individuals may not always be available.
Having someone not show up for your long-anticipated break could cause a breakdown.
You may need to provide transportation.
Costs: Depends on local expectations and demand. Most babysitters expect to be paid cash at the end of the shift, though you may be able to persuade someone to take a check at the end of the week if you provide regular, frequent employment.
Where to Find One: Ask friends, neighbors, or other moms for a recommendation; post a job notice at the local high school or college, or a retirement, day care, or fitness center; or run an ad in your local newspaper, community newsletter, or community association Web site.
In-home care
Rather than having a babysitter or nanny come to you, you may want to consider taking your baby to a person who cares for children in her own home. The person may have young children of her own and offer her services as a way of getting to stay at home with them.
A good in-home care person can provide a warm, family atmosphere.
Where All the Time Goes
According to several large-sample national surveys conducted in the United States, the 5 most time-consuming major household tasks are:
• Meal preparation or cooking.
• Housecleaning.
• Shopping for groceries and household goods.
• Washing dishes or cleaning up after meals.
• Laundry, including washing, ironing, and mending clothes.
These tasks were also voted most likely to be called “mundane,” “repetitive,” “onerous,” “unrelenting,” and “boring.”
Questions to Ask a Potential Caregiver
• What hours are you available? Are you available evenings or weekends?
• How old are you?
• How much do you charge?
• Does your fee include light housework?
• Do you have a driver’s license? Do you mind if I make a copy of it?
• Do you agree to a background check?
• Have you ever been convicted of a felony?
• How much experience do you have with caring for babies?
• Do you believe in putting babies on a schedule for naps and meals?
• What kind of discipline methods do you use with children?
• Have you ever been frustrated with a child in your care? If so, what did you do?
• Are you certified in infant CPR? Are you willing to become certified?
• Are you comfortable with our pets?
• Do you smoke?
• Do you have references?
The schedule may be more flexible than a commercial day care center.
Less expensive than a licensed child-care center or a live-in employee.
In theory, in-home child care should meet the same health and safety regulations as a commercial day care center would, but in practice, it is completely unregulated.
Unless your sitter has a web-cam, you can’t be sure of what happens while you’re not there.
Costs: Variable.
Where to Find One: Ask friends, neighbors, or other moms for a recommendation; post a job notice at the local high school or college, or a retirement, day care, or fitness center; or run an ad in your local newspaper, community newsletter, or community association Web site.
Child-care centers
Sometimes called day-care centers, these can be in a residence, freestanding, in a church, or anywhere your state and local laws will allow. They’re usually open during specific hours of the day, like 7:00 a.m. to 5:00 or 6:00 in the afternoon, and the employees are educated and have plenty of experience with infants and young children. In most cases, employees are also background-checked.
Unlike in-home care that takes place in private homes, childcare centers are required to meet state licensing regulations for health and safety in order to operate.
Child-care centers may offer your baby more stimulation than being at home.
Not all child-care centers will accept babies—day-care centers that are willing to tend to babies are rare and in high demand.
While many states require home day-care providers to go through a background check and training, only a few states inspect all child-care facilities.
Your baby won’t (or shouldn’t) be allowed to go to the center if she has a fever, pinkeye, or other contagious condition.
Cost: Varies by area and type of center: Anywhere from $300 to $2,000 a month or more. They are generally less expensive than hiring a full-time employee, but more expensive than using a part-time employee and/or relative.
Where to Find One: Ask friends, neighbors, or other moms for a recommendation; your yellow pages, community newsletter, or community association Web site; some cities have child-care referral agencies—check with your library or your local United Way. Also, some large employers and universities offer on-site child care as part of their services.
How to evaluate a child-care center
Providing quality care for babies requires an intense relationship between babies and caregivers, and the best centers have a low ratio of staff members to babies (3 to 1 is ideal). If you can picture what it would be like to care for triplets, then you can understand why having more babies and fewer workers could translate into your baby not having his needs met in a timely fashion. Remember, too, that staff members can call in sick during the cold season.
The number-one quality to look for in a center that cares for babies is an atmosphere of warmth and affection. Good caregivers genuinely love babies and relate to them as persons, not simply as charges to be routinely fed, diapered, and then put down to sleep. Observe how the staff relates to individual babies, especially babies who are unhappy.
Staff training is important, too. Teachers and aides should have special infant training, such as degrees in early childhood education or, at a minimum, one year of specialized training in caring for babies. Ask about ongoing staff training as well.
Aim to visit a center more than once to get a good idea of the level of care that babies receive. The staff should be upbeat and friendly. The center should have “open doors” when it comes to parents’ visits, and you should feel welcome to visit the center and your baby whenever you wish.
The facility should be brightly lit, immaculately clean, and offer safe equipment and a variety of playthings for babies. Sanitation and infection control are critical issues, so take a look at how babies are being diapered, since feces and saliva are two ways that serious infections can be passed from one baby to another. Observe staff hand washing and food handling, and ask about the sanitizing of toys. A good center will routinely sanitize playthings that have been mouthed and touched by a baby.
Ask about the center’s sick-baby policies? Will you need to keep your baby at home, or is there a sick bay where sick babies can be cared for without spreading germs to other babies? (Remember, if the center lets sick babies attend, then your baby will be exposed to illnesses, too.)
Look for daily educational and exploration activities that are suitable and safe for tots. Your baby should have a chance to play with a variety of safe materials both indoors and outdoors. Ideally, toddlers and babies should have separate areas for play. Swings, wagons, and ride-on toys should be toddler size, and any spaces with climbing equipment should have well-cushioned ground surfaces to protect tots from falls and potential head injuries.
By the way, it’s worth noting that nearly every child that enters day care gets a cold within the first few weeks of starting. That’s not a bad thing, it’s just your child’s immune system reacting to a new set of germs.
Tip
If you decide to put your baby into a child-care center, remember that places in quality centers are often in high demand and are likely to have long waiting lists. If possible, start visiting centers with baby programs as early as during the first months of your pregnancy to get your infant on the waiting lists of the best places.
Nanny, au pair, or baby nurse
A nanny can be a young woman who has not yet started a family, a nurse who specializes in baby care, or a mature woman who supports herself by providing child care. An au pair lives in your house; a nanny or baby nurse may live in or just come at arranged times.
In the best scenario, you receive the help of a competent, dependable, and trustworthy person who genuinely enjoys babies.
A nanny may be willing to help out with routine household chores, too.
Simply because someone calls herself a “nanny” or a “baby nurse” doesn’t mean that she will be the right match for you and your baby. The person may be overly rigid, too immature, irresponsible, or self-serving.
In those cases, you may find yourself wasting precious energy and time hiring and firing a string of unsatisfactory employees.
Cost: Depending upon where you live and how stiff the competition is, you may end up paying a baby-care professional from $10 to $13 per hour, or between $300 and $700 per week, or more, plus the cost of health insurance if you agree to include it.
Where to find one: Ask your friends who have nannies, look for local agencies in parenting newspapers, or use national Internet information sites to locate reliable agencies.
Your caregiver’s trial period
To ensure that you feel confident in the person that you choose to look after your baby, it’s important to set up a trial period lasting several weeks. Make it clear that during this time neither you, nor the caregiver you are considering, are obligated to each other. This can help you know for sure that you’ve chosen the right person before you sign a letter of agreement (see next column). Plan to be present for the first few visits while the person spends an hour, or longer, with your child. Then, increase the time the person is with your baby and decrease your presence. Starting gradually will help you to spot potential problems in the way your baby is handled, and it also gives the person a chance to observe how you care for your baby so that she can diaper, respond, take walks, and perform other everyday tasks with your baby in a similar style to yours.
“Our first nanny definitely wasn’t Mary Poppins. She helped herself to everything in our refrigerator, made long-distance calls at our expense, and resented the baby interfering with her afternoon occupation with soap operas. We had to fire her.”
How to write a letter of agreement
If you decide to hire someone to help you with your baby, it’s important to spell out the dos and don’ts in advance by composing a formal letter of agreement. This gives you the opportunity to set out any specific rules of conduct, such as that the person should have infant CPR training and a working cell phone; that she cannot smoke around your baby; or that she should not walk your baby beyond certain neighborhood perimeters.
Also, you may want to exercise caution about allowing the person to drive your baby on errands. If your caregiver is to take on this responsibility, be sure to train her in carseat use and safety to ensure that your baby is always safely installed and securely strapped down facing rearward in the backseat of the car.
Tip
Expect it to take time for the person you hire to learn your routines. It can be helpful to prepare a daily checklist for the person so that each time she comes she knows exactly what needs to be accomplished.
Following a trial period, you will want to draw up a formal letter of agreement specifying the details of the person’s employment. Sit down and go over the agreement with the person and ask if there are any questions or suggested changes. Then each of you date and sign a copy. Store your copy in an easy-to-access place in the event that a conflict or misunderstanding occurs.
These are the basic points to cover in a letter of agreement with a caregiver:
• Daily hours. State the time you expect the worker to arrive and depart each day.
• Salary. Specify the total number of hours that the caregiver is expected to work each week and the amount she will be paid per hour.
• Payment schedule. State when the caregiver will be paid, such as every Friday, or every other week on Friday, and whether she will be paid by check or in cash.
• Holidays. Detail your expectations for holidays, days off, and sick days, and if you will be paying for them.
• Benefits. Provide any details about health insurance or other benefits, if you are offering to pay for these.
• Raises. Offer a pay increase after a given amount of time if the person fulfills her duties responsibly.
• Response to baby. Detail your baby-care philosophy; for example, that you expect your baby to be picked up, soothed, and fed whenever she cries, or that you expect certain routines to be followed each day, such as carrying the baby to the park each morning as weather permits. If you would like the person to carry a cell phone at all times, state that clearly, and set out any rules for use of the telephone and television.
• Emergencies. Detail how emergencies are to be handled, and provide all-important contact numbers.
• Transportation. Specify if your baby can be carried in the car, whether you will furnish the vehicle, and detail the carseat issues.
• Additional duties. If you want the person to do other jobs in your home, such as light housework or cooking, list them.
• Meals. Specify if the caregiver is to bring her own meals and beverages, and what you are willing to supply.
• Length of service. State how long the agreement is expected to be in effect, such as six months, or one year.
• Notice of termination. State how much advance notice you or your employee will be given before terminating the job.
Employment taxes and paperwork
If you hire an employee on your own, you will be required by law to report household employment taxes on your personal federal tax return, something your employee can’t legally be made to do for herself. In addition, you may be responsible for meeting the minimum wage requirements of your state (for full-time employees), and you may also have to pay extra for overtime. Failure to pay according to the law can be grounds for a tax fraud charge, which could be nasty.
A prospective employee in a competitive market may also ask that you pay health insurance and/or reimburse for gas or other work-related expenses. In some instances, you may be able to negotiate paying only a portion of the premium, such as half. Employers don’t usually pay for dental or vision plans, but you may choose to offer to help pay for preventive dental care and/or eye exams as a perk for a good worker. Most employees demand days off, paid holidays, and sick days.
Unfortunately, deciphering complicated federal and state laws and the regulations governing household employees can be time-consuming. Consult an accountant or financial adviser for help navigating all of the governmental rules regarding hiring an employee to provide child care assistance.
“You have to go with your gut feeling about the person you’re hiring to take care of your baby. If either you or your husband feels uneasy about a person, don’t offer her the job.”
You and your partner may be eligible to claim Federal Child and Dependent Care Tax Credit. In 2005, this credit allowed you to receive a minimum tax credit of 20 percent for the first $3,000 in qualifying expenses for each of your first two children per year. You can find information for last year’s credit requirements on the Internal Revenue Service’s Web site (www.irs.gov) or you can consult with a certified public accountant to get help in translating what you’re eligible for.
Your employer may also sponsor a program that allows you to put as much as $5,000 (pretax) into a Dependent Care Account that could include the costs of a nanny. Depending upon your tax rate, this could save you hundreds or even thousands of dollars.
YOUR FITNESS: THE FIRST SIX MONTHS
There’s no lack of literature out there to help women get into shape postpartum (or at any life stage). In fact, there are so many titles, you’d think baby weight was a national crisis. But take a breather before you fly into panic mode and buy every workout DVD on the shelf. Yes, it’s really shocking to see your post-baby body, to feel like you will never be attractive again, and just wanting your old body back this minute. But your body’s been though a lot, and it’s going to time take to rebuild.
Fitness rules for the first six months:
• Take it easy. During the first 6 to 12 weeks after your baby’s born, we don’t suggest doing anything more strenuous than taking a shower. Most moms have very little energy, plus the hormone relaxin has softened ligaments during pregnancy, making you more prone to injury.
• Follow advice. Don’t engage in any kind of exercise except Kegels until your care provider gives you the okay. If you had a c-section, talk to your care provider at your 6-week checkup about when you can safely work your abs again.
• Build slowly. When you feel healed and ready for your first workout, start slowly. Make sure you take at least 5 minutes to warm up before you push your muscles. Walk at a leisurely pace, or if you’re about to swim laps, start out at a slow pace.
• Start simply. Make your first activity something simple, like walking, swimming slow laps (no butterfly, please), and/or a gentle yoga or postpartum fitness class (let the instructor know that you’ve just had a baby).
• Listen to your body. Push yourself to a pace at which you feel like you’re working but you can still talk.
• Monitor your heart. For maximum benefit and safety, keep your heart rate at between 50 to 70 percent of your maximum heart rate for at least 20 minutes.
• Take a suitable class. If you’re attending an exercise class with a good instructor you don’t need to worry about warming up, cooling down, or working for long enough. Just make sure the class is at or below your pre-pregnancy fitness level, and that you attend (or are active in some other way) at least three times a week.
• Don’t overdo it. Aim to feel better and more energized after your workout. If you just feel bone-tired afterward, don’t work as hard or for as long next time (or switch to an easier class).
• Watch your posture. Whatever your activity, keep your abdominal muscles tucked in, and focus on maintaining good alignment and posture.
• Be kind to your body. Don’t overextend your muscles. Think of your muscles postpartum as rubber bands that have been warmed up and stretched out for nine months. And really, all of your muscles (except for maybe the ones in your face) came under strain during pregnancy. Your muscles will be looser and weaker, and your goal is to make them strong and more compact.
The old model of a working dad and a stay-at home mom only applies to one in five American families, and these days more than one in three children is born to a household headed by a single mom. The reality is that millions of moms go back to work within a few months (if not a few weeks) of giving birth. At the turn of the millennium in the United States, about 65 percent of moms went back to work the year after giving birth to a baby—twice as many as in 1976.
While a few moms may be going back to work because they love their jobs, most do so out of economic necessity. The Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) requires that employers with a minimum of 50 employees give eligible employees 12 weeks of unpaid leave over a 12-month period for childbirth and newborn care. However, employees aren’t covered by the Act if a company has fewer than 50 employees, or if employees have been working for the company for less than a year or for fewer than 1,250 hours during the preceding year (25 hours per week for 50 weeks). So, many thousands (if not millions) of parents aren’t covered by the Act.
If you are covered by the Act, the law provides that you have the right to return to the same position, or an equivalent one with equivalent pay, benefits, and working conditions, once your leave has ended, and that you can’t be penalized for taking maternity leave. Some states may have separate provisions that are more generous than the federal law.
Dads, too, are allowed by FMLA to take up to 12 weeks of unpaid family leave, otherwise called “paternity leave,” from work during the first year after the baby is born or is adopted under the same restrictions as for moms. But few companies are willing to pay dads during the time they take off to be with their babies, and taking time off with no salary may be more than a couple can afford. Fortunately, some states, including California, are starting to pass provisions that allow fathers to receive partial payment for up to six weeks should they elect to stay home to help care for their new babies.
Tip
If you’re a dad-to-be who is concerned about how your employer will react to your request for paternity leave, hold your ground. If you can, try to give your boss lots of advance notice. Present him or her with a very detailed plan of how your work responsibilities will be covered while you’re away, and arrange to stay in touch on a weekly basis in case any urgent issues arise, but don’t agree to step back into the office. Insist on handling any problems from home.
Negotiating a smooth return to work
Many women are faced with the prospect of being pushed to go back to work before they’re fully recovered and are ready to “outsource” child care.
If you became ill during pregnancy or were put on bed rest, you may find you’ve used up your leave before you’ve even given birth. Even with normal pregnancies, some families simply can’t afford to go without a mother’s paycheck for 12 weeks, plus you may have to pay your own insurance premiums while you’re not working. And if you’re the sole breadwinner in your family, continuing to work after your baby’s born may be more of a necessity than an option.
“As a new dad, I wanted to spend as much time as I could with my new baby in the first few weeks, but my company had less than 50 employees, so it didn’t come under FMLA requirements, and my boss insisted that I keep right on working as though having a baby was a non-event. That really soured me on the company.”
Rather than diving directly back into a 40-hour work week, you may want to plan a more humane return to the workforce, and one that will benefit both you and your baby.
The good news is that companies appear to be adopting more open and flexible policies when it comes to adapting to the needs of new mothers. A Business Work-Life study by the Families and Work Institute in New York found that 57 percent of companies were allowing employees to move from full-time to part-time employment and back again while remaining in the same position or level; 37.5 percent allow employees to share jobs; and 55 percent allow employees to work at home occasionally. And, rarely, some family-friendly companies offer on-site day care centers.
If your employer allows you to negotiate a part-time schedule before you return from maternity leave, you’ll probably need advance approval. Naturally, you’ll want to negotiate with your employer for the longest maternity leave you can for the highest pay.
Before you take your maternity leave, write out a plan that details your part-time duties, responsibilities, the number of hours, and which days you plan to work. Having a written plan will help to protect you from being replaced by someone else, and it may help to keep your employer from hounding you during your time off. Create a game plan that allows you to gently ease back into work while making things as easy as possible for you and your baby.
Exploring your options
Being more flexible about where and when you work might enable you to spend more time at home. Consider the following alternatives to full-time employment:
• Telecommuting. Is it possible to remain at home for a few months by using your computer, e-mail, a fax machine, and overnight delivery services? If so, do keep in mind that if you’ll be home alone with the baby, it is not going to be possible to perform more than a few hours of work a day (if not a few minutes). If you plan to work part-time from home, hire a babysitter or get a guarantee from your husband that he’ll care for the baby during the hours you’re working.
• Job sharing. Rather than working full time, your employer may be willing to opt for a job-sharing situation in which you and a coworker share responsibilities in exchange for fewer working hours. It helps if you are compatible with your work partner and can communicate well. You and your co-worker may decide to share an overlapping portion of each day, or to set aside certain days of the week, such as Mondays and Tuesdays, in which you work in tandem to ensure a seamless delivery of your skills.
In addition to giving yourself more time with your baby, you may be able to step in for each other when emergencies arise. Your employer will have the benefit of two minds attacking work problems, but if tensions arise, there is the risk that that could interfere with getting the job done. Do your research on this option and consider teaming up with another employee and creating a job-sharing proposal in which you specify how you plan to manage every aspect of your shared responsibilities. For example, explain how the work will be divided between you, your plans for keeping in communication by telephone and e-mail, what your expected hours and salaries would be, and whether you expect to keep your benefits.
Tip
Your employer may require that you request maternity leave 30 days before your baby’s expected due date, or that your due date be medically confirmed. Try to negotiate as much leave as you can up front in case you end up having a c-section, your baby is colicky, or there are other unforeseen problems you can’t plan for in advance. If you discover that you need more time to recover fully, don’t even think about going back to work.
• Working part-time. As companies trim their costs, your opportunity for working part-time, such as 3 days a week, or fewer hours, may improve. As with job sharing, it’s important to draft a proposal that explains how you plan to get the job done (optimally, before you take your maternity leave). But you can’t assume that because you’ve agreed to cut your hours by one-third that you’ll earn two-thirds of your salary. You could be paid more (or less), but it’s up to you to negotiate a good deal. The downside is that you may have to work a certain number of hours to keep your benefits, and you may run the risk of being passed up for promotions and raises.
“Even though the politicians in our country give lip service to how important our children and families are, our public policies give the opposite message. Sometimes I wish my baby and I lived in Europe, where moms are given visits from health workers in the months after birth and where they have half a year of paid maternity leave. It’s sad how, in one of the wealthiest nations in the world, mothers are forced to leave their babies to make ends meet.”
• Temping. The demand for temporary workers continues to rise, and temping can be a good way of managing your time. The hours may be more flexible than a full-time job, and you’ll probably get the chance to try out a variety of jobs to see what fits you best. Don’t settle on the first temp agency you find in the telephone directory, but call and interview a variety of companies to inquire about the industries in which they specialize, any benefits to which you will be entitled, and whether there will be a fee involved. (Reputable companies don’t charge one.) When you’re interviewed, be specific about the number of days you’re available to work and what fields (banking, legal, etc.) interest you. Most staffing companies also offer free skills-improvement courses, which could be an added bonus. Three-fourths of temporary workers end up hired as permanent workers at the employer’s expense, so it’s a good way to explore new workplace options.
• Flextime. Whether you’re working full or part time, your company may be willing to allow you to set your own arrival and departure times: for example, working in the early morning or later in the evening. This may mean that you can get help with baby care from people who work different hours, or you may be able to use part-time rather than full-time infant care. You may find that with fewer interruptions you actually get more done—though if face time is important in your company’s culture, you may be seen as a less-devoted employee.
• Working from home. Finally, you may want to consider creating a new, at-home job for yourself as a Work at Home Mom (known online as a WAHM). Jobs you might consider include Web design, conducting Internet research, freelance copyediting, bookkeeping or accounting, consulting, typing résumés or legal documents, telephone sales, reselling merchandise online, teaching music lessons, babysitting children in your home, pet-sitting, or house-sitting.
Great ideas for working moms
When and if you do decide to go back to work, here are some mom-tested tips:
•Prepare food in advance. Plan dinner menus ahead and prepare freezable food in large quantities on the weekends so weekday mealtimes are easier.
•Get household help. Hire a teenager to help with housework on the weekends.
•Hydrate and rest. Drink plenty of fluids during the day and go to bed early.
•Bring your baby near. Keep your baby’s crib in your bedroom, and let your baby sleep beside you for a portion of each night.
•Have a pumping place. Don’t settle for pumping milk in a bathroom stall if you don’t have to! Work with your boss to find the best place for you to express milk. It could be a private meeting room with a lock on the door or a health suite.
•Plan nutrition. Control your food intake. Pack nutritional, well-balanced meals instead of snacking on the run. Eat a high-protein snack mid-afternoon to stoke up for your return home and reunion with your baby.
•Rest with your baby on the couch or in the tub for a half hour after getting home before you tackle chores.
•Dress for comfort. Don’t buy anything that needs to be dry-cleaned or ironed if you can possibly help it. If not, look for a dry-cleaner that picks up and delivers or has a drive-through window.
•Don’t travel. Plan to stay at home for Christmas and other holidays rather than traveling to visit relatives. You’ll need the rest! (If you must travel with your baby, see Car Travel Tips, or Negotiating Airports, on, both in this chapter.)
•Arrange backup sitters. A long list of babysitting backups will come in handy during flu season and will keep you from panicking after early-morning calls.
• Automate. Make use of any timesaving services available to you, such as online banking and automatic bill paying and having your groceries, supplies, and pharmaceuticals delivered.
• Stay abreast of your options. Constantly explore new baby-care options so you’ll have a plan if caregivers leave, or if a day care situation becomes uncomfortable.
• Rest on weekends. Make at least one weekend afternoon an occasion for baby to spend quality time with someone else while you catch up on sleep.
How to make the “stay-at-home” or “go-to-work” decision
If you would like to stay at home with your baby and are returning to work because you’ve been accustomed to having two incomes, take a moment to make a realistic assessment of your options:
• Calculate your monthly income(s). Sit down together and figure out your combined take-home pay after taxes, benefits, and other charges have been deducted. Factor in the value of your benefits, such as health insurance, retirement plans, and potential bonuses.
• Figure out the cost of employment. Add up the figures for howmuch it costs for one person to work. Don’t forget to factor in childcare expenses; commuting costs—including gas and wear and tear on the car; clothing and shoes for work; lunches, coffee, and vendingmachine costs; and dry-cleaning expenses.
• Subtract the difference. You may discover that it is almost as feasible to stay at home and cut unneeded items than it is to financially underwrite the expenses of returning to work.
Staying at home with the baby is what moms have done for centuries (at least, the moms who could afford it), and it’s a modern development that the majority of moms go back to work. Truthfully, no one but you can decide on the best solution for you and your baby. It helps, though, to be aware of your priorities and to take the long view as you weigh your options.
Even though you may feel pressured to get a job or to return to the one you had before your baby was born, you also need to consider the option of whether to opt out of the workforce temporarily as a stay-at-home mom (SAHM). Here are the pros and cons of choosing to be a SAHM:
Allows adequate time to recover. Staying at home can allow your body sufficient time to recover from pregnancy and birth, which takes a lot longer than the textbook “six weeks” that doctors and employers hold up as the “norm.” The reality is: It takes everyone a different amount of time to recover.
Respecting your natural bond. Being your baby’s number-one caregiver is a job no one else on Earth is likely to perform with the same devotion as you.
Meeting your baby’s every need. Unless you can afford a private, stay-at-home nanny or you’ve got an available relative with no children, your baby will likely have to vie for attention from caregivers overseeing other children, too.
Mastery of new skills. Baby Boot Camp can teach you a lot about human nature, patience, time management, and flexibility—all skills that will prove valuable when, and if, you decide to return to the workforce.
Emotional growth. Moms often report that having plenty of time to bond with their babies is a powerful lesson in the nature of love and attachment.
It can be fun. Once you get the hang of leaving the house with the baby, you may find that you now have the opportunity to do things you didn’t do before: going for long walks, hanging around the playground, or socializing with other mothers at the local mall or coffee shop.
Loss of income. If you worked in the past, your family’s financial resources will now be drastically reduced, and that could call for serious cost-cutting and lifestyle adjustments on your part. If you’re single, you may have to move back in with your parents if you aren’t independently wealthy.
A break in your career path. By not working, you may lose valuable ground when it comes to improving your status in the working world. Should you try to return to the workplace later, potential employers may be more ready to define you as a “mom” rather than a manager or leader or may question your loyalty and willingness to “go the extra mile.”
Boredom and isolation. Many moms report feeling trapped in the ever-repeating duties of diapering, feeding, and other baby-care responsibilities. Serving as a primary baby life-support system can also feel lonely, especially if you don’t have friends, family members, or other moms to interact with on a daily basis.
Tip
If you get to stay at home with your baby, surround yourself with like-minded, supportive people. Cherish all the little things you experience day-by-day with your baby, and remember there will always be enough time later to do the things you’ve temporarily set aside.
Change in status. Even though shaping the next generation is one of the most powerful roles that any person can volunteer for, it doesn’t take long for moms to discover that our society only gives lip service to the importance of what they do. The reality is that others often view the job of mother as a demotion in status.
The emotional challenge. Being a SAHM is a remarkably challenging job, and there’s no reassurance that you’re “good at it.” Feeling less than adequate for the task and becoming overwhelmed by the unrelenting demands and all the household responsibilities that go unfinished can be distressing. Mothers are more vulnerable to being emotionally undone when they lack adequate support from others, tend to be self-critical, or are sleep-deprived.
WHERE TO CONNECT WITH OTHER MOMS
Whatever your home and work situation, talking with other parents and sharing your experiences can be mood-lifting and useful. There are lots of ways to connect up with other moms and dads. Numerous national and local organizations and hospitals provide parent support groups to help families make it through the first year. Groups exist for everything from breastfeeding to parenting twins. Here are some of the places to look for breastfeeding support or parenting groups:
• Childbirth education organizations. Groups affiliated with the International Childbirth
“I’ve found that always keeping a good book on the table next to the chair and reading a few pages while I nurse the baby makes me feel like I’m doing something for myself, and it leaves me calmer and more refreshed.”
Education Association (ICEA; www.icea.org), ASPO/Lamaze (www.lamaze.org), and Husband-Coached Childbirth (the “Bradley Method”; www.BradleyMethod.com) often sponsor postpartum parenting groups, too.
• Hospitals with birthing centers. In addition to prenatal classes, these hospitals often sponsor breastfeeding and parenting support groups that meet regularly at their women’s centers or other facilities.
FLASH FACT: The Real Reason Why Moms Go Back to Work
Surveys show that over 75 percent of moms who return to work do so not by choice, but because they are the primary breadwinners, or their families depend on their incomes. About the same percentage of working mothers say they wish they could stay home with their kids, or spend less time at work and more time at home with them.
• Cesarean section recovery groups. The International Cesarean Awareness Network (ICAN; www.ican-online.org) may sponsor a local support group for women recovering from c-sections.
• Breastfeeding organizations. La Leche League International (LLLI; www.LaLecheLeague.org) has local, leader-led meetings in virtually every city in America, and some cities have multiple groups, or groups for both parents meeting at various times each month. Nursing Mothers Counsel (www.NursingMothers.org) groups may be available in some areas, especially in California.
• Religious, educational, and nonprofit organizations. YMCAs, YWCAs, Jewish community centers, and pregnancy centers often sponsor support groups for parents of faith following birth. MOPS International (Mothers of Preschoolers; www.mops.com) is primarily a Christian-based organization for helping mothers from infancy through the preschool years. School systems in some districts and states may offer parent support programs as well as library and toy collections especially for parents of babies and young children. Churches, community centers, nonprofit mental health agencies, and abuse prevention organizations may offer programs for parents, including those for teen parents. (Check with your local information and referral agency or United Way.)
• Moms’ clubs. Moms Offering Moms Support (MOMS; www.MomsClub.org) has over 1,500 chapters around the world expressly for supporting stay-at-home mothers. Mothers & More (www.MothersandMore.org) is another organization to support at-home moms. Moms on the Move (MOMs; www.MomsOnTheMove.org) is a group of mothers who sponsor fund-raising hiking events to bring mothers together while raising money for charity.
• Single moms. M.O.M.S. (Single Moms on a Mission; www.SingleMoms.org) is an international organization just for single moms (and dads) as well as grandparents. Parents Without Partners (PWP; www.parentswithoutpartners.org) has monthly meetings for parents of children of all ages in chapters across the United States.
• Mothers of twins. The National Organization of Mothers of Twins Clubs, Inc. (NOMOTC; www.nomotc.org) has Mothers of Twins Clubs (MOTC), Mothers of Multiples Clubs (MOMC), and Parents of Multiples Clubs (POMC) meeting locally across the United States.
• For mothers of color. Mocha Moms (www.MochaMoms.org) offers local chapters and other services for stay-at-home African American mothers.
• Strollercize® groups. Many mom communities are forming for moms and dads who want to exercise together with other parents using their strollers as part of their walking and stretching equipment. Strollercize groups (www.Strollercize.com) may also sponsor special outings, presentations, and maintain online community bulletin boards of interest to parents with babies and young children.
How to start your own playgroup
Having a baby is such a life-changing event that you may discover you no longer have anything in common with your childless friends from the past.
If you’re an at-home mom, or have energy and time as a working mom, participating in a playgroup can be a godsend. Play dates are great for kids, but they can also be wonderful for moms.
For one thing, a playgroup will get you and the baby out of the house and give you a chance to socialize and meet other infants (which will give you perspective on your own).
Once your baby begins to sit up and to interact with others, it also gives him a chance to meet other creepers, crawlers, and gnawers; and it gives him the opportunity to explore baby body language and non-verbal communication.
Most playgroups are formed casually by women who live near one another, or by those who have shared childbirth education classes or the same doctor. Group meetings can be structured around a visiting guest, field trips, or they can be casual and unstructured with play opportunities for the babies while their moms share with one another. They can also be a mix of both meeting styles.
The best groups bring together babies who are roughly the same age. Toddler-baby combination groups generally don’t work well because toddlers are more skilled and tend to be more aggressive. They will take advantage of less-skilled babies by grabbing toys or pushing and pulling them, for example.
Here are the basics for starting a playgroup:
• Location. Choose moms and babies who live nearby. That will make for an easy commute and will encourage lasting friendships. Rotate homes or use a church playroom so that no one person bears the responsibility for cleanups and hosting.
• Day and time. Let the group decide on the best day and time for the group to meet. Usually late mornings work best when babies are rested and more playful. Late afternoons can be disastrous because babies may be tired and fussy.
• Group size. Four to six babies are ideal, which translates into eight to twelve people, when you include moms. Too many kids and moms can be too loud and distracting for babies, and too few may mean frequent cancellations when something comes up.
• Compatibility. Choose parents who have similar values and mindsets; otherwise, there may be a lot of debates and unneeded contention.
• Basic rules. You’ll need to reinforce that sick babies should stay at home, and to plan how toys are going to be disinfected after each meeting. All moms should bear responsibility for helping with the cleanup at the end of a session. You may also want rules about baby aggression, in case one of the babies turns out to be a hitter or a biter (but remember: babies, just like moms, can have bad days, too). A rule about honoring one another’s values and that every mother ultimately decides what’s best for her baby may help to mediate discipline, breastfeeding, nutrition, or other common debates when they arise.
Tip
Here are places to look for moms to join a playgroup: Your pediatrician’s or obstetrician’s office; the nearest park or playground; Starbucks®; parenting and child care sections in Barnes & Noble® and other mega-bookstores; a La Leche League group; your neighborhood grocery store; the community center; the nearest gym or health facility; the library; moms’ support groups run by a local hospital.
• Refreshments. Having each member bring her (or his) own snacks takes care of the refreshment issue.
“My playgroup started a toy-and baby-book-sharing library that we carried around in a tote. We set up a baby-sitting co-op, planned once-a-month covered-dish dinners, ‘moms’ night out,’ and ‘dads only’ events to make our first year of parenting more fun and livable.”