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Master the Catch and Release
To catch a husband is an art; to hold him is a job.
—SIMONE DE BEAUVOIR
What attracts you to a man? A friend once told me that this question came up when she and a big group of girlfriends were having breakfast at a diner. At first, everyone had the typical responses: cute butt, nice eyes, sense of humor. Then one of them made a confession. She was one of those intellectual hipsters who was also smokin’ hot, who seemed like exactly the kind of girl who would be in total control of all her relationships, who could choose anyone she wanted. She said: “Honestly, the one thing that attracts me to a man more than anything else, and the one factor that has determined which relationships I get into, is that the guy is persistently attracted to me.”
After they all thought about it for two seconds, everyone at the table admitted that, for the most part, the partners they had pretty much chose them, instead of the other way around. These women weren’t out there hunting down the cute butts and nice eyes and the guys with a sense of humor. Guys were hunting them down, and they had let themselves be caught. A further analysis determined that many of their boyfriends or husbands did not have many of the items on their lists of what attracted them to men. Some said their husbands had no butts at all, or had somewhat asymmetrical eyes, or told terrible jokes. But all the men attached to the women in that group had one magical quality in common: They wanted us. Whether or not a man is right for us, we fall for this relatively random method of pairing.
Guys are pretty smart like this. They are the fishermen, and we are the fish. We swim along happily in our little schools and then we get hooked by the guy who decides, “I want that one.” This can be fun, and flattering, and a sweep-you-off-your-feet kind of situation, and I’m the first to agree that men need to be the pursuers in the relationship. They need to be the pursuers and the providers. It is in their nature, and trust me—if it isn’t, then something is off. But here’s the problem with this scenario: You might not decide whether the guy with the fishing pole is the guy you actually want. You might just go along with the romance of the situation, and before you know it, you are in a relationship with somebody who isn’t right for you. The men have traditionally been in charge of who gets paired up with whom.
This is something I have always known to some extent, but I’ve never put that knowledge into practice very well. I’ve been successful at figuring out how to get a guy to want to hook me, and I enjoy that game. I know how to intrigue, engage, entertain, and excite. Unfortunately, I tend to do this indiscriminately and irresponsibly, without spending enough time assessing the fishermen. I get into relationships with men who aren’t right for me, who can’t handle me, or who don’t want the same things I want, and I ignore all that because I’m too caught up in getting caught and being desired. I don’t determine which man I really, ultimately want before getting too hooked. Knowing what you want is essential for choosing the right person. If you get hooked first and then realize you didn’t make a good choice, you can break a lot of hearts, your own included.
There was once a cute guy I was intrigued by, and I wanted to like him. I also wanted him to like me. On our first date, he happened to mention, “I eat to live, I don’t live to eat.” What? I looked at him like he was an alien. Who eats to live? What kind of person doesn’t live to eat? Food is everything to me. It is my greatest passion and a huge part of my life. I couldn’t imagine being with someone who didn’t share my fascination and pursuit and enjoyment of food. It might seem like a trivial issue, but to me, it was a fundamental difference that resulted in being a deal breaker. I unhooked myself.
Women can be so concerned with getting into a relationship that they forget about who they are getting into a relationship with. While men say that when they meet the right person, they are suddenly ready to commit, women often decide they are ready to commit before they find the right person. They are looking at their clocks and saying, “I’ve got to do this now.” It’s their instinct. The next guy who comes along simply has good timing, and the women allow themselves to be hooked.
Why aren’t we the ones reeling in the fish? Because men need to be the ones casting out, looking for us, finding us, pursuing us. But that doesn’t mean we can’t be choosy about whether or not we get hooked. So often, I think women don’t even realize they have this power. We let ourselves be hooked, maybe not by just anyone, but by anyone who appears decent on the surface and who expresses desire toward us and shows up at the right time, when we think we need to be getting married or at least paired up with someone. We think we need to get into a relationship, so along comes the fisherman, and we take the bait. Then, once hooked, we will often go to great lengths to justify and defend and stick with a relationship, when we might never have given that person a second glance had he not cast his pole (ahem) in our direction.
In my experience, the men who were the most in love with me were the ones who pursued me the most ardently, but the ones I’ve been the most in love with were the ones I played a conscious role in choosing. I allowed them to hook me when I was more sure of the match. They were the ones I was able to step back and evaluate to determine whether I felt a strong passionate connection to them, too.
Often, the man who chooses you does so because he is genuinely fascinated by you. He genuinely wants you. A man should treat you like you are the greatest prize he has ever won, or he should be working in the direction of realizing that is what you are for him. But you also have to play a role. You can choose him right back. To do this, you need to understand, consider, and make decisions about your own relationship based on what men are like, what women are like, and what you are like. Only you can decide if a relationship is worth investing your time, energy, and love into. Only you can determine your relationship’s potential, and only you can recognize whether you will ever get what you really need, and whether or not it’s time to move on. This is even more crucial to do if you have children.
Look back over your past relationships and think about this. How often were you the unwitting fish, and how often were your strategies instrumental in who you ended up with? A clever guy will make you think you chose him, when really, if you examine how it all transpired, it was actually the other way around. A clever girl will make a guy think he did all the choosing, when in reality, she decided he was the one. Be the clever girl.
You can be the chooser without taking over as the fisherman. You can be the one who looks up at the line of fishermen on the shore and decides which one you will allow to catch you. Survey them with discretion and intelligence, and then you can choose which one you want. Mastering the catch and release means mastering who catches you and releasing the ones who don’t make the grade. It’s about having standards and requiring that they are met before you give your heart away to the next meandering fishhook. Decide what you want up front before you get stuck in something. This is how you build a good foundation, rather than one patched together with tape and staple guns.
But finding exactly the guy you want—not just the one with the cute butt or attitude but also the one who understands you and shares your values and frame of reference and wants to go in the same direction as you in life—that’s the tricky part. Let’s start there.
What Kind of Fish Are You?
Before you even look at all those hooks in the sea, the first thing I want you to do is sit down with yourself and figure out what you want out of a relationship. Your list might change tomorrow, but be honest with yourself right now. If your list is true to who you are today, then you will be an intelligent and discerning fish. To do this, put yourself into a calm state and go to a quiet place, because a lot of things can distract you from what you really want. Loneliness, the fear of being alone forever, anxiety about your biological clock, and even the pressure to have a date by New Year’s Eve can all interfere with your ability to honestly assess your needs right now. To help you think about this, answer these questions about yourself as honestly as you can:
• Am I looking for a long-term relationship with possible marriage potential, or do I really just want to have fun right now? If you want to have fun, you can be less choosy and play the field, using that as a learning opportunity. If you are seriously in the market for someone with long-term potential, don’t waste your time on the guys who don’t even have that on their radar. It’s always possible that the person you are interested in could change priorities based on knowing you, but you can usually tell pretty quickly whether somebody is in the market for a serious relationship or not—or whether they might be open to it, even if they aren’t quite ready right now.
• Do I need to be taken care of financially, or am I okay with being financially independent? If you really want to stay home and raise kids, or just pursue your own interests without having to make money, you have to consider this before you invest too much in that drummer who still lives with his parents. Maybe you are looking for someone to share financial responsibilities with. If this is the case, also avoid that drummer! If you really do want to be supported, keep in mind that this will mean giving up a certain level of control. If you think men don’t use money for control, you are fooling yourself. No matter how rich, poor, generous, or stingy a man is, no matter what his mother was like, the bottom line is that money equals control, and if a man is paying your credit card bill and knows everything you are spending, he controls you. It doesn’t mean he will abuse that control, but the control is there. (For more on this, see chapter 8.)
• How important is passionate sex in a relationship? If you don’t have a sexual spark with someone, you can’t manufacture it. This is important to most people (although wild, passionate sex isn’t everybody’s cup of tea), so pay attention to the chemistry when you meet someone. If it’s not there, you can try to convince yourself it doesn’t matter but eventually you may find that all those other qualities you loved (great job, good looks, financial security) don’t add up to much. I’ve had a sexual spark right from the beginning with some guys I’ve dated. With others, it wasn’t there in the beginning and that was telling, because it never developed.
• How do I need to be treated? Know what you need and never settle for less than you deserve. Every woman deserves respect, consideration, and to be treated like something precious. Know your worth and don’t forget it or let your biological clock or fear of being alone eclipse these basic rights. But think beyond this. Do you need someone who can handle your strong personality, your neuroses, your high-powered career, your weird hobby? Do you need someone who is particularly gentle with you? Who will love your kids and be a good parental figure? Do you like to be treated like a goddess? An intellectual equal? A buddy? Do you like intelligent and witty repartee? Do you need a best friend? Someone to laugh with? Do you like chivalry? Do you like your independence? Do you like your privacy and someone who won’t intrude on it too often? Know these things about yourself.
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DR. AMADOR SAYS . . .
How do you know you are being treated well? Looking and listening to what he does and says will tell you a lot about how he’s treating you, but it’s not enough. This is one of those times you need your emotions and feelings to help you know how you are being treated. Your emotional compass is a more sensitive and powerful source of information. Emotions can be tools, not weapons. What is your heart telling you? Ask yourself: Do I feel safe in the relationship? Do I feel safe talking about what’s bothering me? Do I feel attractive when I’m with him? Does he make me feel sad? Happy? Anxious? Lonely? Connected? Do I feel cherished and loved?
—XAVIER AMADOR, PH.D., PRESIDENT, LEAP INSTITUTE, WWW.LEAPINSTITUTE.ORG
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• Is my deal-breaker list realistic? You might be quite sure that you want the big house, the hot car, the huge diamond, the husband with the prestigious job, but you can’t love a piece of paper. If your deal-breaker list is full of material things and not substance, you might want to rethink it, because a Ferrari and a five-carat diamond are not going to make you happy all by themselves. They will not keep you warm at night and you can’t have wild, passionate sex with them. Once, I was in a very serious relationship with someone who was good-looking, had an amazing job, made a good living, was a very nice person, and loved me very much. He was everything I thought I wanted, and yet, inexplicably, I didn’t want him. I remember sitting in the bathtub at night, saying, “Please, please, why can’t I be happy with the perfect guy?” I tortured myself because my deal-breaker list was all wrong. I forgot about love, chemistry, and making a good match for me. I needed someone who stimulated me, challenged me, and could handle me, but it turns out what I didn’t need was someone who everybody else thought was perfect. We tend to make men into Mr. Perfect, and when things go wrong, we blame ourselves. Never marry a piece of paper, but do look for someone who is on the same page.
• What are my standards? Know what matters to you. Are you religious? Do you always put family first? Do you know you definitely want children? Do you live a creative life? Are you political? Are material comforts and financial security important to you? Are you cerebral? Do you like to read? If you want to discuss that article in the Sunday New York Times and he just wants to watch Two and A Half Men, that will probably start to grate on your nerves. Do you have a passion and your happiness depends on it? Do you have strong moral beliefs about something? Never compromise your standards for anyone else. You have to hold true to those, no matter what. If you compromise what really matters to you, you will never really be content or feel like yourself in a relationship.
• Is this relationship too far outside my comfort zone? It can be exciting to challenge yourself with someone outside your frame of reference, but if someone is too far outside—for example, from a completely different culture, religion, or even social status, or much older or younger—it can cause a lot of problems for the relationship. What if he’s young and you’re going through menopause, or if he comes from a blue-collar background and you come from a blue-blood background, or if he is Jewish and you are a Baptist? What if he’s a partier and you’re a homebody? What if he’s really into fitness and you hate to work out? What if you’re a liberal tree hugging yogi and he is a right-wing conservative? What if you like to read and go to museums and he likes to hang out in sports bars and binge-drink? What if you like to be with people all the time and he would rather live on the couch in front of the TV? If it feels like a problem at the beginning, it will only get worse, so trust your gut on this.
There is something very comforting about being with someone of a similar age, who has similar beliefs, and/or who grew up in the same time you did and shares your cultural references. For example, growing up in this country Caucasian is a much different cultural experience than growing up Latin or Asian. It’s also easier if that person is from the same area of the country (East Coast, Midwest, South) or even the same town. This isn’t a requirement, of course. Even if you come from drastically different backgrounds, you can make it work. Many people have. Just know it will be more difficult if you are far apart in culture, age, experience, or important issues.
I had a girlfriend who was twenty-three and she married a man who was fifty. They had a lot of chemistry, but she was just getting started with her life and he was already established in his, so she didn’t get to share the excitement of building a life together, buying their first house, succeeding at their careers. She missed having that bond with someone her own age, and it was difficult for her to just step into his life. He had lived in his home for twenty years and had a well-established career, so she didn’t have to work but she wanted to make it on her own. He didn’t necessarily remember what it was like to be twenty-three and just starting out. The marriage ultimately did work out, but they both had to give up some things. She was outside his comfort zone as well because she didn’t share his history or know about any of the things he grew up with. Life is about sharing experiences, so if you can find a way to do that, then you might be okay.
• What does this person’s family reveal about him? We aren’t always like our families, but families can be revealing. One crazy uncle isn’t necessarily a cause for concern, but I was once in a relationship with someone who had one cousin who was caught stealing someone’s identity, another who was on drugs, and another who was in jail for something nobody in the family wanted to talk about. It’s tempting to overlook these things at first, in the initial passion of a relationship, but later on when you have to actually deal with your partner’s family, you might find yourself judging a little bit. Is your partner’s family racist? Do they gay-bash? Are they substance abusers or prone to violence? Also look at the family dynamics. How do his parents treat each other? How do they treat their kids and grandkids? Your partner might not be like any of his family members, as far as you know, but serious family issues can be a sign of trouble. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, as they say. This is not a guarantee of trouble, but a sign. What does the tree look like? You might end up having to spend a lot of time with those people. Also, it’s difficult to completely reject what you were raised with and taught as a child. Many people successfully rise above their circumstances, but it’s always a struggle.
Even if his family is just fine, you might not get along with them. Is your partner a mama’s boy? Does he still take money from his parents or live with them? If so, run! If he puts family before you at first, that’s not huge, but once you are in a serious relationship, will you become the priority? It can’t be your partner and his family against you, or you will be living in hell. It’s important to make an effort to get along with each other’s families, but the relationship has to come first. You need to be a team, a unit, and if your partner isn’t capable of that, this is something to look seriously at before committing.
• Can I live with imperfection? This is a trick question because the truth is, there are no guarantees in life and nobody is perfect. You might make a bad choice. You might get fooled. You might get your heart broken. And even if you really do find mutual love, respect, affection, and marriage, anyone you decide to love is going to have faults and plenty of shit that drives you crazy, and you’re going to drive him crazy sometimes, too. That’s life, and that’s love. If you can’t live with that, then you probably aren’t ready for a relationship right now. Go back to the first question in this list.
• Does this person get me? Maybe the most important thing of all is to find someone who understands you and everything you come with. Women are complicated, and in order to accept you, the person you are with needs to understand your particular brand of crazy and not give you a hard time about it every second. We don’t always have total control over our dysfunctional parts, and when you both understand that about each other, the relationship becomes a huge relief. This takes compassion, but it is essential.
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MAN-FORMATION
Just as the guys who look great on paper aren’t necessarily the best partners, in my experience, the most unlikely suspects can turn out to be great partners. When they meet the right girl, men who never wanted to commit can suddenly realize what they’ve been missing and decide to change completely. These guys might turn around and be fully in it with you. Men who don’t necessarily make a great living might be warm, supportive, loving, and everything you really need—and maybe you already make a great living on your own. Guys who seem irresponsible might fall so hard for you that they grow up and change their lives. You can’t change anyone else, but anyone can choose to change in order to be with you. Keep an open mind. There are many different types of guys who could potentially make great partners.
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Choosing someone to commit to is always a risk. Why else would it be so scary to so many people? But going into it with both eyes open, with your illusions dispelled and a realistic picture of who you are, who he is, and whether you really want to be with that person for the rest of your life, will create a solid foundation. You can build on that. Of course, you could be totally certain and still get blindsided, but at least you will increase your chances of success. These are just criteria that might help.
Now let’s get to the fun stuff. You know what you want, so let’s talk about how to go out and get it.
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JUST THE TIP
A lot of people ask me what they should wear on a first date. My advice is to think sexy but not slutty. First, you need to be comfortable. If you are pulling at your clothes or sitting weird all night because your skirt is riding up or you’re self-conscious that your dress is hugging you in all the wrong places, you won’t have fun and you will seem uptight. Second, pick your spot. Choose one thing to reveal, then pull back on the rest. Choose something low-cut (but not too low-cut) so you reveal a little cleavage or side boob. There should be no danger of a nip slip. Or choose a lot of leg via a short skirt or cute shorts with heels, but if you do that, keep your cleavage to yourself. The other option is to show bare shoulders, but if you do that, be more conservative with the leg and neckline. The trick is to offer a hint, not a big reveal. Leave the rest up to the imagination.
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You spot him across the room and you wonder, Who is that? Your eyes meet and you feel a tingle of chemistry. Maybe someone introduces you at a party, or you’ve noticed him at a club, or maybe it’s even a very promising blind date. Now what?
Now you have fun. You engage him. You are light and bright—the most interesting fish in the sea. This isn’t the time to start grilling him about his prospects. This is the time to attract. You’ll still have plenty of time to be chaste and choosy. Right now, you are the fish who sparkles, who entices, who seems like a really good catch. Be yourself, but be the most irresistible version of yourself.
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CELEBS SPEAK OUT
Happy girls are the prettiest.
—AUDREY HEPBURN
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The best way to do this is to be open. Smile, laugh, and have fun, but don’t be open in a negative, scary, or stalker way. Don’t tell a lot of personal details, and don’t ask questions that are too serious. Keep it light and breezy and just a little flirty but not too suggestive. The most appealing and attractive people are having fun and have their own lives. They aren’t needy or grabby or braggy. They know how to enjoy themselves and they are having a good time whether they meet someone promising or not. If you give off a desperate vibe or the impression that you just have to meet somebody and you really really hope he’s your soul mate, you won’t attract a secure and confident person. Be secure and confident yourself, however, and watch the field of possibility expand.
Confidence is intoxicating. When you are confident, people are drawn to you. When you feel bad about yourself, people are less likely to notice you or respond to you. I’ve seen some girls go out feeling bad about themselves. They get ignored, and this makes them feel worse. It turns into a negative spiral that nobody wants to be around. But I’ve also seen girls who go out not caring who notices them. They just want to have a good time. These girls almost always appear more attractive to everybody around them. The universe hears everything, and you get what you put out there, so put out the energy you want to get back.
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DR. AMADOR SAYS . . .
Confidence says, “I don’t need to sell myself—I’m already desirable.” Arrogance has the added edge of “You’d be a fool not to want me.” They are not the same. Beware of arrogance.
The research on confidence is clear—others (both men and women) see you as more attractive and desirable when you believe in yourself, and move and speak with self-confidence. If you don’t feel it, find it. One way to find it is to make a list. Really! Write down those things you believe you are good at. List the ways you are physically attractive (your smile, eyes, figure, etc.) and personally attractive (intelligence, sense of humor, warmth, etc.). Keep it with you on your phone and look at it when you are feeling less confident.
—XAVIER AMADOR, PH.D., PRESIDENT, LEAP INSTITUTE, WWW.LEAPINSTITUTE.ORG
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How to Get Reeled In
If you let somebody hook you, the next step is to let them reel you in just enough that you can get a feel for who you are dealing with. You don’t want to get so involved that you can’t get out easily until you have a chance to evaluate the person’s potential and chemistry. The best way to do this is to be the one who sets the tone and pace of the relationship.
Setting the tone and pace of the relationship means controlling, at least to some degree, how often you see each other, how you communicate (for example, texting vs. phone), and the way you spend your time together. It also means establishing the basic rules and boundaries of the relationship. You want to establish these because then the guy knows who you are and where you stand. If he doesn’t know that, then you can’t ever know if the relationship will work.
This doesn’t mean you plan all the dates. On the contrary, it can mean that you make sure he plans at least most of the dates, if that’s what you prefer. You set the tone by how you react and respond to situations right at the beginning, like how he treats you or what kinds of things he suggests you do together. If he is rude, don’t brush it off and make excuses for him. If all he wants to do is watch sports with you and you don’t enjoy watching sports, speak up. It’s not that you can’t ever hang out and be the cool girl at a sports bar or a football game, but if you don’t want to do that every time, you set the tone by creating other opportunities for you to be together. Can he handle a Friday night at a museum or a nice restaurant? If not, maybe he’s not for you.
This also involves setting precedents. If you don’t want a textual relationship, for example, do not respond to every text message. Encourage him to call you instead. If you want to determine who will pay for things, establish that precedent right away, too—you let him pay, or you go Dutch, or whatever makes you comfortable. This way, you can tell right from the start if money issues are going to be a problem. If you want to take it slow, don’t get persuaded into bed too soon. Whatever matters to you, don’t cave in to it in the beginning, or you will never get it later. Dog trainers say that you shouldn’t let a puppy get away with things you wouldn’t want him to do as a big dog, like sleeping on the bed or jumping on people. It’s exactly the same with relationships. In the beginning, yours is a puppy, and you don’t want the puppy to make the rules or you’ll be living in a house full of chewed furniture and dog poop.
The next important thing to do if you want to get reeled in is to be who you really are, right from the start, but in gradually increasing doses. Not the whole you—you don’t want to scare anybody off with every level of your personality all at once—but the essential you. Let him know who you are, what you want, and what you stand for. Don’t conform to somebody else’s idea of what they want in a girlfriend because ultimately you won’t be able to keep that up. Otherwise, the person who hooked you won’t know who you really are, and you won’t know whether the match works.
Be beautiful and sexy in your own way, not in some way you think someone else wants. Show your sense of humor. Show your compassion and affectionate side. Show your interests and show that you can be caring and supportive. Don’t be a doormat and don’t give up the things you like to do because you are waiting for a call or a text. Keep on doing your life the way you always did, or even better. Let the intoxication of a new relationship fuel all your interests and make you happy and glowing, but don’t be needy or selfish or neurotic or clingy. Be kind and warm and interested and a good listener, but never bend over backward or do something that makes you uncomfortable. This is the time to be gloriously you, and if the person you are interested in responds and is enchanted, then the relationship might be worth pursuing. If the person tries to control you and make you into something different from who you are, don’t waste your time. Let go of the hook and move on.
But it’s not all about you. There is a line between being a doormat and recognizing that the person you are interested in has things he wants and needs as well. If you are in a relationship with a man, it can be useful to know what kinds of things generally make men feel really good about themselves and you. Giving him those things isn’t compromising yourself. It is being a good person who wants to be in a relationship and is working at it. Everybody wants to feel loved and appreciated. Most people like affection and admiration. If you can offer these to someone as well as accept them from someone, you are on the right track.
But there are some particular things that men tend to like, and it can be helpful to know them and tap into them. Although every man is different, there are two very simple things you can do to make a man feel pleasure in your presence, or just thinking about you, without compromising yourself in any way:
1. Make him feel like a man. Men want to feel like they are the big strong protectors and we are the little baby bunnies. Whether there is any basis in reality for this is irrelevant. Your guy could be a skinny musician or a huge weight lifter. You could outweigh him by fifty pounds, or he could pick you up with one arm. If you make him feel like a man, then you’ve got his number. He’s ten feet tall. He’s Mr. Universe.
This is so easy to do, but for some reason, women think they shouldn’t tell a man how good he looks, how handsome he is, how strong he is, how big he is, how safe he makes them feel. Aren’t they supposed to be the ones complimenting us? I completely disagree with this. Men are just as susceptible to flattery as women are. The more manly and adored they feel, the more they will adore you.
This isn’t about kissing a guy’s ass. Don’t overdo it. Too much can sound insincere, or worse, needy. You don’t want to come off as clingy, subservient, or stalkerish, but a little bit of vulnerability and letting the man be the strong one goes a long way when you are first establishing a relationship. Don’t be afraid to tell him that he’s helping you. Don’t be afraid to tell him he is strong or powerful or commanding or accomplished or whatever it is. You can even let him rescue you from the occasional emergency situation (plumbing problem, dead car battery).
There are a lot of little ways to sprinkle in this kind of sentiment. Here’s a cheat sheet of things to add to a conversation when relevant (or just randomly) that are guaranteed to get a guy’s juices flowing. Don’t say any of these things if they don’t feel like you. Pick the ones that seem natural, or find your own versions of these same sentiments:
• You’re so sexy.
• You’re so strong.
• You’re so funny, you make me laugh!
• You’re really smart.
• That’s a great idea!
• You are absolutely right.
• You saved the day!
• You are so good at that.
• How do you know so much about that?
• You’re my hero!
• What would I do without you?
• Thank God you’re here!
• It’s so large . . .
• You’re so good in bed.
• You’re so hot, baby. I can’t get enough of you.
• I missed you so much today.
• I’m so glad you had a good day.
You also have to mean it when you say it—at least, mostly mean it. If your guy senses any sarcasm, then forget it—your comment will have the exact opposite effect. He won’t trust you.
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JUST THE TIP
Recently, a girlfriend of mine told me that her father was dating a professional girlfriend. I didn’t know what that was. I thought it was some kind of hooker, but no. She said that a professional girlfriend is a girl who always looks great, who is always ready to go and do whatever you want, who is always up for anything, who is easygoing and just fun to be around all the time. She’s not difficult, high-maintenance, or problematic. Obviously, most women can’t be like that all the time. It sounds daunting to me. And inauthentic if you aren’t really that way. However, maybe we can all take a cue from that concept. You can’t be a pain in the ass every minute of every day. (I’m talking to myself here.)
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2. Don’t be easy. Even if you just told him how much you need him, how much he is your hero, a man also has to know that if you aren’t getting what you need, you’ll say something, and if you aren’t ever going to get it, you will walk. Do not let a man take you for granted. Whenever you show your vulnerable side, balance that out with a glimpse of your independent side. This is not only important for your own power in the relationship but also for not scaring him off because he thinks you are too needy. Most importantly, never make the conquest of you too easy.
Despite what they say (or even think), men do not like things to come easily. The hunter instinct is strong, even in the most enlightened twenty-first-century man. They want something to work on and achieve, and they don’t like to win by cheating. They also want something for their effort. They are hunters and they will be immediately suspicious and even disrespectful of anything that seems to be right out there in the open, for the taking. It seems like a trap, or like that thing they thought they wanted must not be very valuable since anybody could have it. At the same time, the prize can’t be so difficult to win that it isn’t worth the effort. If the chase is ridiculous, a guy will get distracted and might look for someone who isn’t so difficult. Part of the trick of seeming like the fish while actually controlling who catches you is to strike that balance between presenting a real challenge and being attainable. Be the enticer, not too easily won but not impossible, either. A game fish that will be a challenge but totally worth it in the end. This doesn’t just mean not having sex too soon (and if you do, you’d better be pretty damn good or mind-blowingly sexy or the most interesting person he’s ever met). It also means maintaining your independence and your own agenda even while you allow yourself to be pursued. If you are fun to pursue, then the game is on.
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GIRL TALK
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my attempts to get a guy interested in me, and I’ve observed even more mistakes out there in the world. Some of these things are obvious when you see other people doing them, but you might not realize it when you are doing them. If you are having trouble getting a guy interested, these are some of the things you might be doing wrong:
• Talking too much. Stop dominating the conversation! You will learn more by listening.
• Talking only about yourself, especially bragging and/or being a know-it-all. Let your date discover how smart and accomplished you are. Let the truth unfold naturally.
• Not talking at all or having no opinions. Don’t be a doormat.
• Being indecisive. This is so annoying. For example, you never know what you want to do, or you say “I don’t care” to every question about plans, like where to eat or what to do. This is especially reprehensible if you actually do care but don’t want to admit it because you are afraid you will sound demanding. Have a point of view. You don’t have to control the plan, but don’t be wishy-washy, or that girl who has to workshop everything to death.
• Acting subservient or helpless. Get a backbone. If your date opens doors for you or is chivalrous, that’s great, but you also need to know that you can open the damn door yourself if you have to.
• Insecurity and putting yourself down constantly. It’s not charming and it’s not the same as modesty.
• Showing obsessive interest in your date. That makes anyone uncomfortable, and it degrades you. Don’t act like a stalker.
• Talking about your exes, especially how great they were and all the things they bought you or did for you, or how psycho they were, because why would you put up with that kind of behavior?
• Being too critical. If you are constantly criticizing, nagging, or emasculating your date, you probably won’t get another date. Some men do stay with naggers, but they have been snipped and also can’t stand their partners.
• Taking too long to get ready or being otherwise a high-maintenance pain in the ass.
• Obsessing about every bite you eat, special-ordering everything, or yammering on about how much you worked out. Obsessive dieters and fitness people are only interesting to other obsessive dieters and fitness people.
• Being completely uninterested in sex. People who aren’t into sex are eventually only interesting to other people who aren’t into sex.
• Being excessively critical or cynical about everything. You might think you are being ironic or clever, but it can come off as plain negativity, and that’s unpleasant to be around.
• Acting superior. You might think you are hot shit and even too good for that nice guy taking you out for dinner. You are not. Show me a hot girl and I’ll show you a guy who would rather watch Family Guy than bang her.
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Evolving
Once you’ve been hooked and are in a relationship that is at least somewhat established—maybe you don’t call each other “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” yet, but you have standing plans on the weekends and see each other during the day sometimes—then you can also be the one to determine how and at what pace the relationship evolves.
Women usually want to see things moving forward, whereas many men are perfectly happy to let things stay exactly as they are for years on end. A lot of guys would be content to have a girlfriend for the rest of their lives and may only think about marriage because of societal pressure. Women, on the other hand, are biologically programmed to want more security than that. What that means is, if you want things to move forward, you have to be the one moving them forward.
The first step is to assess whether they are moving at all. Are you seeing each other as often as you want or think is necessary to maintain the relationship? Are you seeing each other with an appropriate amount of intensity? If you’ve been dating for six months and you still only see each other once a week, or you mostly just hang out and watch TV, that’s not evolving if that’s not what you want to be doing. (If you have kids, that may be all you can manage, however. All rules have exceptions.) If it’s incredibly intense every time you see each other, that’s not sustainable. You have the power to speed things up or slow things down. Suggest doing something different, or make plans to shake things up.
When working to evolve a relationship, sometimes you have to be a little bit stealthy about it, so you don’t scare away a commitment-phobic boyfriend with good potential, and methodical, so it is clear to everyone that you are not going to waste the next five years doing exactly what you are doing now (dating on weekends only, never going away together for the weekend, not meeting each other’s families, not moving in together, etc.). Don’t be whiny or emotional about how things aren’t going the way you want. Instead, be straight-up and frank about what you would like to see happening next. Keep the pressure off, but be clear. Think of it as negotiating a sensitive business deal. Not that relationships are a business (although if you ever get divorced, you will know that in many ways, they are), but you should both feel like you are getting most of the things you want, you should both feel just slightly out of your comfort zone, and you should both feel happy with the way the deal is going. Something has to happen for something to happen. Shake it up to get a different result.
As you work to help your relationship evolve, be careful. Sometimes when you want something badly, you might get too eager or emotional and put the pressure on. This can scare someone who is nervous about commitment. Handle with care, pay attention to reactions, and don’t be emotional. Be straight-up, and if you detect the other person getting nervous or withdrawing, back off and reassess your approach. Think of the commitment-phobic guy as a wild animal. You can’t rush in with your hands out or he’ll run away (or bite). Enact your strategy gently, sweetly, with reassurances and support. Here’s what you could try:
• Making day plans, if you only see each other at night.
• Discussing having standing weekend plans—you assume you will do something unless one of you informs the other he or she is busy. Propose this casually, not with pressure.
• Revealing something personal about yourself in a quiet private moment together, if you have been guarded about doing this.
• Pulling back just a little to encourage your partner to move forward just a little. If this doesn’t work, try the opposite—be just a little more available and affectionate, to remind him you are there for him.
• Changing it up. If you always stay home, suggest getting dressed up and going out. If you always go out, suggest staying home and cooking together.
• Planning a weekend getaway (if you both feel ready for it—don’t do it as a surprise, or before six weeks together).
• Proposing getting your families together for a low-key social activity.
• If it’s time, maybe planting the seeds of moving in together without necessarily bringing it up directly. Point out cool apartments or areas of town to live in. Talk about your future together casually, like, “Wouldn’t it be cool to live in this neighborhood?” You can also be fanciful. “I could totally see us in a cool apartment in Paris someday.” This can get him thinking in that direction if he isn’t, but if he gets scared, back off and reassess your approach.
In a good and evolving relationship, both parties have to be willing to step slightly outside their comfort zones for something that matters to the other person. If progressing matters to you, then the person you are with should be willing to go there with you. If not, maybe it’s not the right relationship for you.
Changing Your Strategy
Sometimes, your attempts to master the situation don’t work. You want to move forward, but your partner resists making new plans or trying new things, or starts trying to control you when you back away. Maybe you like each other but you keep having the same argument, or you don’t like something your partner is doing—maybe he goes out with his friends more than you would like, or ogles other women, or maybe you are just in a rut. If you really like the person and you don’t want to give up yet, now is the time to change your strategy. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Stop doing the same thing. Make a change. Here are some ideas:
• Try pulling back more, to see if he comes after you. If you’ve been too available, maybe you will be slightly busy for a few days. If he wants to go out with the guys, maybe you warmly and gladly support this instead of bitching about it, and then make plans to go out with your girlfriends, or even go away for a weekend. This is a time to change your approach. Be extra understanding. Give him enough rope to hang himself and see what happens. Some men run when you put a fence around them, but when you take away the fence, they suddenly don’t want to go anywhere. Maybe you don’t realize that you are hovering too much or giving him too much attention, and if you pull back, he’ll lean in to get your interest back. Don’t disappear, though. Just lean out.
• If you have been pulling back and he’s pulling back, too, then this isn’t working. This might be a time to lean in, but in a different way. Maybe you’ve been complaining a lot about what he does. Change it up by putting the emphasis on yourself. Maybe this is a time to be vulnerable and admit that you are feeling insecure or you don’t feel like you are getting enough time with him. If you do this, however, you have to get in and get out. Don’t turn it into a whiny-needy session. Say how you feel in a few short sentences, then stop. Give him a chance to respond. If he doesn’t know what to say, give him some time. Back off and go do something else for a while, not in a passive-aggressive “you hurt me” way, but just because you have a life and you have stuff to do. Go do it.
• Sometimes if you are feeling disconnected, the answer isn’t about words. You can reconnect with physical interactions, and I don’t just mean sex. Try being a little more loving, a little more snuggly. He might be feeling ignored. Men can feel neglected in relationships, too.
• If you can’t tell what he wants, and all your hints and analysis aren’t working, try asking. Be direct. Just say something like, “Look, I’m not sure what you want exactly, but we’re not spending that much time together. I like to know my relationships are evolving.” Again, if you do this, get in and get out. Don’t bring in every problem you have. Just ask where you stand, and let him answer or think about it. Honestly, he might be totally unprepared for a question like that and he might need a little bit of time to think about how he actually wants to respond, but if you nag and pressure, he might fight back in a way you will both regret.
The bottom line is that fishing is a sport—for the fisherman, but also for the fish. Be a good game fish, master the catch and release, and enjoy the game.