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Manage Your Money (Noise)
Money cannot buy peace of mind. It cannot heal ruptured relationships, or build meaning into a life that has none.
—RICH DEVOS (COFOUNDER OF AMWAY)
Money has always been a volatile issue for me. I remember growing up with six cars in the driveway one week, and the next week having no furniture in the house and having to eat dinner off a card table. This was the life of a gambler’s daughter—life at the racetrack. I remember times when we lived like big shots and times when my stepfather was asking if he could borrow money out of my piggy bank. I also grew up being told that I would never have to worry about money because I would always be taken care of, but then I went on to spend my whole life worrying about money anyway because the man who told me not to worry lost everything he had. I’ve tried to find someone to take care of me, but then I was never comfortable with that because I never really believed that the money was secure. I might wake up the next morning and—as it so often happened in my childhood—all that money, or the man who had it, would be gone. If I wasn’t worrying about it, who would? If I didn’t have that piggy bank, what would happen to me?
Money has been an issue in many of my relationships. When I didn’t have any and was dependent on a man who did, I felt stifled and suffocated and controlled, even when the man I was with wasn’t consciously trying to control me. I’ve also been in a relationship with someone who didn’t make as much money as I did. That was a real struggle, too. I wanted us both to contribute to our lives together, not equally but proportionally to our income. I felt that he really struggled with paying for things, and this was a sign of things to come because later, it came back to bite me in the ass. I should have dealt with this problem, or at least been more aware of it, right from the beginning. I didn’t expect him to equal my paycheck, but I also didn’t expect him to live off me and try to take from me all he could.
If you think for one second that money issues won’t matter in your relationship, you are wrong. Money is power. Money is security. Money is certainty. Money is confidence. Money is prestige and social acceptance. But most importantly, money equals control. To make money is to have control, in your personal relationships as well as in the world, and the more you make, the more control you have. A friend of mine always says, “He who makes the gold makes the rules.” Consequently, to rely on someone else to make money is to give up a certain degree of relationship influence. Right or wrong, this is how it almost always is. Being the breadwinner or being the financially dependent person might work best in your relationship, but if you aren’t prepared for what that will mean in your relationship, the situation can cause a lot of friction. Money brings out all kinds of hidden emotions. Money triggers issues about balance, control, and self-worth. Money matters.
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DR. AMADOR SAYS . . .
Money can be used for control, and it often is. However, let me offer a different point of view. I know lots of people with loads of money who have control of very little in their lives. Money sometimes equals control in relationships, but it can also be the currency of respect and love.
Money is inherently and interpersonally a symbol. Paper currency, the account balance you see on the ATM screen, even a $100 bill is worthless. What it symbolizes, however, has value. What money symbolizes for you comes mostly from your childhood and how you first experienced money. Was it a reward for good behavior, an expression of love, a source of tension, or a meaningless stand-in for the love you wanted but never got?
Knowing what money symbolized for you in your first love relationships—the one with your parents or caregivers—will help you gain control over how you deal with money in your current love relationship. Does giving money symbolize giving love? Does receiving money symbolize receiving love? Or is money standing in for something much different? Love and money can both be controlling, and can both be given freely, or with strings attached.
We all know money can’t buy you love, but what we often forget is that money only has the power you give it or allow it to have over you.
—XAVIER AMADOR, PH.D., PRESIDENT, LEAP INSTITUTE, WWW.LEAPINSTITUTE.ORG
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If money were simply a bartering or transaction tool we all used in society, it probably wouldn’t have as much influence as it does. However, most people have what I call money noise. Money noise is what I call an emotional reaction to money, which usually results in an unhealthy relationship with money. I don’t know anybody who doesn’t have some degree of money noise because money is such a powerful influence in our culture. It’s almost impossible to escape. Money makes people do crazy things. It makes the people who have it look down on the people who don’t have it, and it makes the people who don’t have it look up to the people who do. It makes people brag and show off and say things they would never say about any other subject. Money puts pressure on people to keep up with the Joneses. It embarrasses people. It makes people feel inferior. It causes people to lie about what they have and what they don’t have. It makes people all show and no go. It makes people act cheap—often, people without money are more generous than people with a lot of money (depending on how they grew up). I’ve found that people who know what it’s like to live off tips, like servers and hairstylists, tend to be more generous than wealthy people.
Today, with women being more and more likely to have money, make money, and make more money than the men they are with, it causes even more relationship troubles than it once did. It is one of the most common reasons people cite for why their relationships fell apart. I see this a lot on Housewives. This is a franchise that took affluent, privileged couples and gave the women fame and money and power they didn’t have before. In many cases, couples who had been married for years with an unchanging dynamic in which the man made more than the woman were thrown into chaos. Now the kids were grown or getting close and suddenly the woman becomes famous and is making money and oftentimes becomes the breadwinner. The men can’t handle it. They get jealous of the fame and power and money, and they resent their wives for suddenly making more than they do. Sometimes they start talking badly about their spouses to the press, or taking money from their wives. It’s a power struggle they didn’t expect and had never encountered before. The men try to get the control back by trying to steal the spotlight as well as the resources and they might get their 15 minutes of fame, but in the end the relationships don’t always survive. I see this happening, not just on Housewives but in every reality show franchise in which the women are the stars.
Money is powerful, no doubt about it. It must be handled with care, especially in your relationship. We have to deal with financial transactions every day, and the money situation in your relationship is what it is. Money is always in motion; you might have it and then not have it and then have it again. Both people in any relationship have to learn how to deal with that if they don’t want money to interfere with the relationship’s quality and stability.
One of the biggest problems I’ve both experienced and witnessed is confusing the relationship dynamic by throwing money noise into the middle of it. Money is usually a sore topic. How many times have you been in an argument about something else, and somebody has said something like, “And another thing—when are you going to get a job/get a better job/make more money/take more financial responsibility/get our accounts in order/follow the budget/stop being such a penny-pincher/stop wasting all our [or worse, my] money!” Maybe one of these comments is totally justified in your relationship, but when you throw it into fights about something else, it will slowly tear the relationship apart.
Some people are surprisingly secure about money. I dated a guy who grew up not having to worry about money. It just wasn’t a big issue in his household, so he’s very generous and doesn’t have a lot of money noise. I’ve also been with a guy who was very uncomfortable spending his own money on anything but didn’t seem to have any problem spending mine. Nobody feels sorry for rich people, but having money definitely comes with its own problems. For one thing, people think that if you have money, you should pay for everything and you won’t know the difference. This is definitely not true. Wealthy people who made their own money are hyperaware of every dime that gets spent. I had a friend who was dating a very wealthy guy. He bought her very expensive presents—Chanel, Hermès, Gucci. She said, “He doesn’t care what he spends on me!” But when she left a $7,000 pair of leopard pony pants at work, I couldn’t believe how she was taking his money for granted. He was letting her act like that, but for how long? And why wouldn’t she just take the $7,000 and save it? It’s a huge turnoff to be careless with or disrespectful of somebody else’s money. Eventually, the person making the money will resent that kind of disrespect. People who make a lot of money notice every penny. In fact, any man who’s ever made a dollar notices this.
And by the way, men love a girl with no debt. Debt can be a deal breaker.
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EXPERT ADVICE
Here’s a question for a first date: “What’s your credit score?” I’m only half kidding. No, it’s not a romantic topic . . . unless you consider good credit sexy like I do! But knowing about your mate’s credit standing before saying “I do” is crucial to getting off to a good financial start together. So if you’re serious about someone (i.e., dating a long time, living together—or even already engaged or married), you should know each other’s credit scores. If neither of you knows your score, take time to get them together. You can obtain your free credit reports—from Equifax, TransUnion, and Experian—free of charge online at annualcreditreport.com. You have to pay for your FICO score. It’s available at myfico.com. But some credit card issuers and banks will give you a FICO score or other credit scores free. A good credit score is 700 or better.
Getting your credit reports/scores allows you to honestly see each other’s debts and credit rating. Whatever you find, whether the person has been responsible or reckless, don’t judge. Instead, carefully discuss the issues, find out what problems or setbacks may have occurred, and ask if they learned anything from their credit/debt setbacks. Doing this—and using the five tips mentioned above—will be good preparation for a healthy marriage filled with financial harmony for you both!
—LYNNETTE KHALFANI-COX, THE MONEY COACH, WWW.ASKTHEMONEYCOACH.COM
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Most of the time, money is a sensitive issue, whether you have it or you don’t have it or you are somewhere in the middle. Who makes it and who doesn’t make it and how people spend it can be an issue. Family and who gets what and where the money comes from can be an issue. It can make paying during group dinners awkward, and it can make friends as well as romantic partners jealous when one person makes a lot more than everybody else.
If you make it even more of an issue in the beginning, then every time money is involved in your life (which is all the time), it will be a sore topic. Instead, figure out your dynamic early, or find a way to work on it constructively if it’s already established. Know your money issue, and vow to keep it in its own box, let it be its own discussion, and never confuse it with your emotions about anything else in your relationship. How do you feel about money? Be honest with yourself. Is it important that you earn your own and are you more comfortable being the one with financial control? Do you think your partner should earn the money and support you? Or do you think all money and money issues should be equal in a relationship? There is a cultural expectation that the man is supposed to be the provider, and I do think men need to make money, but what if they can’t possibly compete with how much money you have? It’s a different world out there. I don’t expect someone I’m interested in to make what I make because that’s just not realistic most of the time, but I’m not interested in dating a freeloader, either. Let’s look at some scenarios so you can figure out what applies to you.
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EXPERT ADVICE
Believe it or not, nearly half of all women in the United States are the primary breadwinners in their homes. According to a 2014 survey from Prudential, 44 percent of all women in America are out-earning their spouses or live-in partners. Don’t be afraid to acknowledge and use your earning power, whether it’s taking charge of the day-to-day finances in your household, investing, or having a larger say in how money is handled in your relationship.
—LYNNETTE KHALFANI-COX, THE MONEY COACH, WWW.ASKTHEMONEYCOACH.COM
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When You Make More
Once upon a time, the woman almost never made more money than the man. However, that’s all changing fast. According to a recent article in the New York Times, 40 percent of women are the breadwinners of the family (including single moms), and 26 percent of married women are the sole earners or make more money than their husbands.
If you are the breadwinner, this can cast your relationship into a weird light that neither of you may know how to handle. You might like having financial control, but a part of you still feels like the man is supposed to be the provider, so there must be something wrong with him or he’s just not doing his part. This situation is also very difficult for a man. If he isn’t the breadwinner and is instead financially dependent on you, he is already feeling unbalanced and unmanly about it, whether he admits it or not. For a woman who feels resentful, it’s tempting to stick the knife in and turn it with comments like, “I guess I’ll pick up the tab again.” If you really care about someone, you will stop yourself from doing this. It’s hard when you get angry or annoyed because it’s such an easy way to punish someone, but it’s not fair.
I know a woman who makes a lot of money, and her husband, who is only in his forties, declares himself “retired.” When his family business sold, he was out of work and never got another job. She makes enough money to support them, but she gets perpetually irritated that he hasn’t gotten a job. She tells him she doesn’t care what kind of job he gets, but he finally admitted to her one day, “Look, I can never compete with you. I can never make close to what you make, so if I even try, it will just feel pathetic to me. I’m better off helping out at home where I can support what you do.” Logically this makes perfect sense, and he does help out at home in ways that allow her to do her work, but she still finds herself getting irritated (logically or not) that he’s not contributing financially, and he still feels inadequate (logically or not) because he’s not the provider. There are men who rest on their laurels and have no inspiration or motivation to do anything, and there are men who are doing what they can financially. It’s not always easy to find a job in this economy, especially if you are older. Figure out which describes your situation and be as understanding as you can without letting your spouse take advantage of you.
If you want the relationship to work, you have to work on the money piece. Even if you only do this internally (because you know deep down that the problem is really just you and your attitude), do the work. Teach yourself to get over your pettiness by sheer force of will and habit.
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When getting serious in a relationship, consider having both joint and separate bank accounts. Talk this through. Perhaps you will share a checking account but each have your own savings accounts. In my professional experience, I think it’s generally better for most couples to have both—separate accounts for their own spending and then a joint account to manage/pay household bills. A separate account gives each person financial independence and autonomy (so neither of you has to ask “permission” to buy stuff). But the joint account helps keep you together as a team, committed to shared financial goals and responsibilities.
—LYNNETTE KHALFANI-COX, THE MONEY COACH, WWW.ASKTHEMONEYCOACH.COM
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If the gap in pay is a large one, it’s important to recognize that it will be a problem. Whenever there is a big difference between two partners—different religions, different cultures, a big age gap—it has the potential to be a problem because you aren’t coming from the same place. This is especially true with money, and even more true when it is the woman who makes more money. Nobody blinks if the husband is a multimillionaire and he has a hot young wife who doesn’t have a penny to her name, but switch that and society gets all riled up—and so do the people in the relationship. Let’s say you make a lot of money and you are used to a certain lifestyle. If you fall in love with somebody who can’t even pay for the normal things required to live the life you live (whatever is normal for you), it’s probably going to become an issue, whether you think it will or not. I’m not saying it can’t work. Sometimes it does work. I’m just saying that you have to know going in that it’s going to be a problem and that you’re going to have to figure it out, rather than ignore it until it explodes. Because it will explode. Oh yes it will.
Often, money issues aren’t really about money. They are about the principle of the situation and what it reveals about character. Is it right that your boyfriend will let you pay for an expensive dinner because he doesn’t make as much money as you, but then he will turn around and buy a really expensive watch for himself? Or is he generous with what he has, taking you out for pizza or cooking you dinner at home in a way he can afford but that is also a gesture of care and affection toward you? It definitely isn’t about the price tag of the gesture. It’s about the meaning behind the gesture. A generous person will take care of you in the ways that he can, and that can feel great, but someone who is grabby and wants you to take care of him will be a turnoff.
Money will always be a hot-button topic, and it will always bring out the worst in people. This is something that people in relationships may always have to fight. Let’s say you make more money than your partner. You pick up the checks for expensive dinners, but then you learn that he has allocated $1,500 for himself to gamble twice a year. Is that irresponsible? Not necessarily. If he’s not asking you for that $1,500, then that is an expense he has built into his budget. Why shouldn’t he be able to do that? It’s a fine line, and the person making less shouldn’t be taking advantage and sponging off the person with more, but if they are financially responsible in their own context, then you don’t really have anything to complain about. The provider is in control, but that doesn’t give the provider license to be cruel or manipulative or unreasonable. You can watch all your own dimes, but you don’t have to watch every dime the other person spends, as long as the other person isn’t taking advantage of you. This is hard to do if you are fastidious about money, but it is necessary in unequal money partnerships. Personally, I don’t like spending a lot of money on sunglasses or jeans. But I will spend money on other things, and I wouldn’t want someone else telling me where I should and shouldn’t spend my money.
It’s also crucial to know where you stand. In a new relationship (not just dating, but when you think it could really turn into something), it’s worth having a relaxed, no-pressure conversation at some point (maybe not on the very first date, but soon): “What’s your philosophy about money? How do you feel about money in a relationship? How was money handled in your family growing up? How would we both feel comfortable if we went on vacation together, or went shopping, or moved in together someday?”
It’s very important to be both unemotional and honest with yourself during this conversation. Will you feel bad if he never pays for anything? If you would, you need to say this. It is very common and normal for a woman to have trouble respecting a man who doesn’t define himself by being a provider. You have to be a big person with the ability to rise above those (probably fading) stereotypes to make that work. Even if you think you can handle it, I can guarantee that other people will say things that will make you doubt yourself and your partner. Why shouldn’t the man stay home with the kids if you make more money, for example? It’s a legitimate question, but you have to answer it with total and complete honesty. The truth will set you free to work on your issues or recognize that you won’t be able to overcome them. You can’t be who you’re not and no matter how you think you “should” think, often money noise programmed into you from childhood or your background will prevail.
You also have to remember to talk about money calmly. You don’t want to say something you will regret, because the next time you are both standing in a store together, he will remember everything you said. Make it theoretical rather than pointing fingers. “So what if this were to happen?” rather than “When that happened . . .”
Finally, there is an incredibly important rule you have to follow if you make more money than someone you want to be in a relationship with: Never emasculate the man. Making money a big issue is one of the quickest ways to do that. Men feel biologically programmed to be the provider, and when they aren’t the provider, or don’t earn as much as you, it is an automatic ego blow, even without you saying one word. Even if you don’t like the situation, you do like your husband or boyfriend, so what are you going to do? You are going to help him feel like a man. You are going to take the high road. This can save your relationship. Here are some ideas:
• Let him go public. Split expenses in a way that is reflective of how much each person earns, but let him have the more public expenses, while you take the private ones. This allows the guy to save face and feel like a man, at least in front of other people. For instance, maybe you pay for rent but he pays when you go furniture shopping. Maybe on vacations, you pay for the flight and the hotel online ahead of time, but he pays for all the incidentals, like meals and activities, so he’s the one handing the server his credit card. This can feel unfair if you have an ego about money, and that’s something you should know about yourself. I have a girlfriend who wants the credit for being the breadwinner, and she often takes it at the expense of her boyfriend’s ego. She’s making a choice, but the relationship isn’t going well.
You don’t have to nitpick about groceries and dry cleaning and every little thing, but I get it. If you are paying a lot more and it’s all behind the scenes and he is getting all the credit when he’s paying a fraction of what you are paying, it’s easy to start feeling resentful. It also might seem sexist. Why should he have to be handled so carefully? Because that’s just the way it is. You have to handle him carefully when it comes to money, and he has to handle you carefully when it comes to PMS. Fair is fair. It might sound old-fashioned, but if that’s how your guy is, then that is how he is. If you don’t let a man feel like a man, he will wither before your very eyes (or he’ll find someone who makes him feel better about himself than you do).
• Don’t rope him into your extravagance. Sometimes I like to take extravagant vacations, but I can’t expect somebody I’m with to split that with me. I’m the one who wanted to take the vacation, and if I want him to go with me, then I can pay. Let him pay for the things that he wants to do for you. If he can’t afford it, he would never take you on a vacation like you might choose for yourself, but he might do other things. Even if he buys you a muffin and coffee or a lipstick you like, that means something to him and it should mean something to you. It’s the principle, remember?
• Factor in the price of effort. Life isn’t just about money. Look at everything your guy does for you that makes up for the finance piece, which is just one small piece of your relationship (even if it sometimes feels like the biggest piece). When a man mows the lawn or carries the heavy packages up the stairs or shovels the snow or washes your car, that’s supporting you, too. When a man volunteers or works to make the world a better place even if he doesn’t get paid for it, factor in that contribution. When a man is motivated with passion for what he does, even if it’s not particularly profitable, that’s worth a lot. When a man treats you with respect and chivalry, that’s worth major man points. I love it when a guy doesn’t let me open the car door, or lets me order first, or puts a protective arm around me in a chaotic situation, or carries my bag. It makes me feel safe and valuable. This is him taking care of you, and it makes up for a lot of the financial part that may be missing.
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MAN-FORMATION
Unfortunately, when a man feels emasculated by not making as much money, sometimes he can turn into a bigger jerk and won’t try to make up for his lack of financial contribution at all. He’s angry and that can make someone controlling. He might be competitive in petty ways, he will always want to be right, and he will cut you down as punishment for your success in a warped effort to prove that he is better than you in other ways. If this describes your situation, you need to talk through the issue and get on the same page, and if that doesn’t work, you might reconsider the relationship.
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• Show him your appreciation. If you make more money but you truly value your partner’s efforts, tell him. Positively reinforce this kind of thing and say how much it means to you. It will mean everything to him to know you appreciate and value his contributions, even if they aren’t financial. Remember when they came out with those news stories about how much a housewife should earn for the work she does? Just imagine that situation is flipped and how hard that is for a man to swallow. (We’re not the only ones who have to make an effort to swallow.)
• Find the soft/hard balance. You have the right to make more money and want your man to act like a man, but if you want that, then you have to help him feel like a man. Make a space for that. Stop talking over him. Stop belittling him. If you don’t think you do that, then really pay attention because you might do it more than you think. Also stop bringing up money all the time. Try being soft sometimes. I can be known as a hard person, but believe me, even though I’m hard on the outside, I’m soft on the inside. Everybody has a soft side, even men. Maybe you can’t be soft all the time, but find where you can be soft. Maybe it’s in the bedroom. Maybe it’s during your alone time. Maybe it’s with family. Find it and you will feel more balanced, and give your man a chance to stand up and flex his muscles (even metaphorically).
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JUST THE TIP
If you are the provider, paying for everything, and your partner really is contributing to society in some way, respect that. However, if he’s just running around waiting for the world to give him money and has no problem letting you take on that whole burden, then you have a right to withdraw your respect. You shouldn’t be working like a dog while he’s out playing golf. If somebody has no issue with being supported by a woman and letting other people pay all the time, or if he has no idea how to work and is entitled, wanting things to be handed to him all the time, run like a thief in the night.
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• Indulge in generosity. It’s easy to slip into the stereotype that the man should be generous with the woman, but you can be generous and bighearted, too. This is easy for some women, a lot harder for others, but what can it hurt? If you do it with real generosity rather than expecting something for it, it will make you both feel good. I was recently with my guy when we met his friends for a large and very expensive dinner. When the bill came, he picked it up. I glanced at it and saw it was $600. He’s a guy, so he felt the need to pick it up since the dinner was his idea and because guys feel so much pressure around money issues and who pays what. I knew it would be stretching things for him to pay that bill, so I subtly handed him my credit card under the table and whispered, “Let’s split it.” He could be the big man and pick up the tab, and I could feel good about helping him out in a tight spot. This wouldn’t always work, and you have to do it in the right way. You have to take a man’s temperature at certain points regarding how he is feeling about money. If I would have made a big show about picking up the tab, or if he was already feeling sensitive about me paying for everything, he might have been offended, but because I did it without letting anyone else know and because he is a confident man, he really appreciated that gesture.
There are other ways to be generous, not with your money but with your expectations. Maybe he really wants to pay for dinner all the time. It is generous to take the pressure off for it to be an expensive event every night. Maybe you say, “Hey, let me cook for you tonight,” or “I’ll buy the groceries since I’m getting home first today,” or “Tonight let’s just get Taco Bell and chill out.” If you don’t make it about the money, but instead make it about your time together, you take the pressure and stress off the guy. Don’t make him stretch the limits of his financial capabilities just to prove he really likes you.
A generous person will take you out for $2 pizza and make you feel like he’s a big shot. People who are cheap get anxiety when the bill comes. I was once with somebody who was terribly cheap, who never minded me paying for everything, but if he had to pay, then as soon as the bill came, it was always uncomfortable. He would scan it to make sure nothing was added and get this look in his eyes like he was physically in pain. A cheap guy I had been dating for about 3 months took me to Chelsea Piers on Valentine’s Day and when I said I wanted to get a muffin, he let me pay for it. Later, we went to Greenwich Village and I picked out some $60 perfume. He let me pay for that, too. On Valentine’s Day. A little thought or gesture would have gone such a long way. It wasn’t about the money, it was about the attitude. I should have run. Later in my life, a guy I was dating, who was very generous but didn’t have a lot of money, bought me a pair of sunglasses I admired one sunny day when I had forgotten mine. That made my life. It was such a small thing, but every time I wore those sunglasses, I felt proud.
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JUST THE TIP
A generous partner is a valuable partner, and a cheap partner is a burden. Chronic cheapness is very hard to cure. It’s like a sickness and it’s a huge turnoff. Some people are naturally cheap, and it makes everything to do with money uncomfortable. Being cheap isn’t the same as being thrifty. People who are thrifty are smart with their money and don’t waste it. I’m a frugal person, but I will buy people Christmas presents from Hermès. However, I will go crazy on my assistants if they waste money. Once I asked them to FedEx something from the Hamptons to the city, and they spent more on the shipping charge than the item was worth. I was furious. I get crazy about wasting money, but I don’t think I’m cheap. I think I’m sensible. I’m definitely not wasteful.
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• Share life. No matter who makes more money, you have to have something together that you share the expenses on, so you both feel like you are contributing. When you take a vacation or go out to eat, you should both at least contribute something—if you pay for dinner, he can pay for the cab. If you buy the plane tickets, he pays for dinner. Not only do you help balance the power struggle, but you are working together to create memories and experiences. That’s worth a lot.
I think it’s also important to share a bank account—but not your only bank account. In my opinion, a couple living together or married should have a joint account for joint expenses, but they should both also have their own accounts. You each have your nest eggs, and you each have an account for buying personal things like your beauty supplies and salon expenses and his golf fees and electronic gadgets (if I’m going to be totally stereotypical but descriptive of my own experience). You use the joint account for the things you do together, from paying the rent or the mortgage to taking vacations and dry cleaning. You could structure how much each person contributes to that joint account based on income, then pay things out of it evenly. But always have your own account, whether you make more or not.
• Be proud of yourself. As a woman in a man-centric world, you get to be powerful enough to be in a role that most women just fifty years ago couldn’t have dreamed of. The fact that the first section in this chapter is about when the woman makes more money is a testament to that shift in our culture, and it’s awesome. Go, you!
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JUST THE TIP
If you don’t share an understanding about where you both stand with your financial situation, you risk losing respect for each other. If you degrade him for not making enough money, you can lose respect for him, and if he is constantly injured by your attempts to punish him for not making enough money, he can lose respect for you. This shows up most obviously in the bedroom. Mutual respect is directly connected to the sexual dynamic, so if things aren’t working there, it could be a sign that there is a money or power issue.
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Strategies for When Someone Else Supports You
If you are in the more traditional role of the wife or girlfriend who is financially dependent on a partner, your issues will be the flip side of the issues I’ve been discussing. For women who depend on someone else, self-esteem can be a huge issue.
I was once in a serious relationship with a man who was much richer than I was. Once we were at a blackjack table gambling, and he suddenly looked at me and said in front of everyone, “You’re playing like you don’t even care. You’re not paying attention, and it’s not your money anyway.” He didn’t know I had just spent $1,500 I couldn’t afford on a surprise sailing trip for his birthday, but his words said everything to me. He was using money to control me because he who makes the gold makes the rules.
Everything in the previous section applies to you and your partner, only flipped. At the heart of it all is communication. You have to work out a way for you to both feel comfortable, and if your partner is in the habit of undermining you and belittling you because you are not the earner, then you need to say something. Know your value and know what you bring to the relationship. Are you supportive? Do you give great advice? Are you a good mother? Do you keep a nice house? Value is not always financial. This is a hard role to be in because you cannot force someone else to change, but you can definitely let it be known that your contributions, while not financially as significant, matter for your lives together, and you need to be respected for that. If you are sitting around watching TV and eating candy all day, sure, maybe you need to find something more productive to do. However, if you have stayed home to raise your children, or you have a job you are passionate about but it just doesn’t pay very much, then that should never be disregarded. Show your partner the first part of this chapter as a starting point for discussion.
Part of the problem could also be you. If you don’t respect yourself because you don’t make enough money, then you can do something about that. Refer back to chapter 6, “Get a Life.”
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Always have your own money. Always. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of having a stash of money that is just yours, that nobody else has any say over. Add to it whenever you can because the more you have, the more powerful you will feel. Especially if you are not the breadwinner, you need to know that you have that money, just in case you need it. You never know what life will throw at you—divorce, financial collapse, death. Bottom line: Don’t buy those shoes or buy them on sale and stash what you save. Pride yourself on creating a nest egg for yourself. Be a hoarder. Be a chipmunk. It can come and go in an instant.
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When the Balance Shifts
Just as with control, the power related to money can shift. Maybe your husband made more, but then your kids got older and you got a great job and now you make more, and he suddenly feels threatened. Maybe your husband made all the money but then made some bad decisions or the economy negatively affected his line of work, but you’re at home with the kids and can’t work and are suddenly in dire financial straits. This can make you resentful and angry at him for failing as a provider when you can’t help out. Maybe you were the breadwinner but then he suddenly got a promotion and now he makes more than you and you’re the one who feels threatened. Or what if you made all the money for many years, but then the tables turn when you lose your job and your partner starts making the big bucks? This is confusing and it makes things like divorces crazy. If a woman is with a man for twenty years supporting him while he earns his professional credentials or works his way up the ladder, does she deserve half of everything when they get divorced? And what if they were only together for a little while? What if the genders are reversed? Is that the same? It’s a sticky gray area for sure, and you should always be ready for it by knowing how you both feel about financial issues and having a plan (and a prenup!).
The most important thing to remember is that the flow of money, like the flow of energy, is always changing, and if you pin all your relationship hopes and dreams on money, you will be disappointed eventually. He who makes the gold makes the rules, but the rules change, and the gold changes, and today’s rich man can easily be tomorrow’s poor man.
A relationship is about you and another person, not about the bank account balance. That connection has to be strong. But never underestimate the power of the bank account balance to erode your connection. It can happen to anyone. You have to ride it out if you want to stay together, and you have to talk about it. Sometimes, a frank discussion without emotion can strip money of its power over you, at least temporarily. Keep talking. What triggers you? What can you deal with? What do you need? What does your partner need? It’s your best weapon and your best defense, because what remains unspoken has the most power of all.
I have been in the position of standing in front of my partner while he held his hand out to me, wanting me to fill it with money. This disgusted me, but I think it may have also disgusted him. I sensed that it made him bitter and angry, and maybe it wouldn’t have been quite the same if the genders had been reversed, but the power dynamic remains. This is what has to come to the surface. “Where are we with money? And how can we handle it so it doesn’t tear us apart?” I don’t have all the answers, but at least now I know that I have to keep asking the questions.
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DR. AMADOR SAYS . . .
If you or your partner make a lot of money (or if both of you do), this raises a special problem: Am I desired because of my money, or for who I really am? There is no question that wealth makes a person more attractive. We don’t need research to tell us that. Nevertheless, the research has been done, especially with men (it’s much less clear, at least according to the studies, whether money makes a woman more attractive). For both sexes, in my experience, money creates insecurity about being loved and sows seeds of distrust. It’s the third person in the room. Being able to talk about money is key to resolving these feelings, and if your partner won’t talk about it, that is a problem and may be a warning sign.
—XAVIER AMADOR, PH.D., PRESIDENT, LEAP INSTITUTE, WWW.LEAPINSTITUTE.ORG
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