Act out or come on strongReuel Howe, a gifted communicator, feels that “dialogue is to love, what blood is to the body. When the flow of blood stops, the body dies. When dialogue stops, love dies and resentment and hate are born. But dialogue can restore a dead relationship. Indeed, this is the miracle of dialogue: it can bring relationship into being, and it can bring into being once again a relationship that has died.”1
Marjorie Umphrey in her book Getting to Know You defines communication:
1. Communication is giving and receiving a message.
2. Communication is giving of oneself.
3. Communication is receiving part of someone else.
4. Communication is sharing ideas, feelings and moments with another person.
5. Communication is experiencing another human being.
6. Communication is the giving and receiving of an emotional stroke.
7. Communication is getting my needs met.
8. Communication is meeting another person’s needs.
9. Communication is looking at and seeing what another person is saying.
10. Communication is listening and hearing what others are saying.
11. Communication is my face and body talking.
12. Communication is using all my senses to recognize what the other’s face and body and voice is saying.
13. Communication is putting myself in the other’s place.
14. Communication is touching.
15. Communication is reaching out.
16. Communication is tenderness and caressing.
17. Communication is words on the printed page.
18. Communication is allowing someone else to intrude into your world of thoughts.
19. Communication is expression through the arts.
20. Communication is spiritual.2
How well are you communicating? How open are you with each other? Do you feel free enough for your future life partner to get to know the real you? Answer the following questions and explore with your fiancé your deeper thoughts and feelings.
1. I think a person can change their mate by:
2. When I am emotionally irritated or bothered, my tendency is to:
Act out or come on strong
Withdraw and go into quiet irritation
Other
3. State your opinion about keeping each other informed regarding schedules and whereabouts:
4. What will you do if your companion continually refers to your faults?
5. List things you think you would talk about at mealtimes:
6. How much should you share with your partner about work and other interests?
7. I can become more aware of my mate’s feelings by:
8. How much time should be devoted to leisure time activities?
9. How much time should be devoted to the family?
10. How much time should be devoted to friends?
11. When I find my mate remaining silent for a long period of time, I will:
12. To what extent do you think your mate should pursue his/her interests, activities, and sports?
13. When I find that my mate is not as affectionate as I would like, I will:
14. When my mate yells at me, I will:
15. I think I can lift the spirits of my mate when he/she is depressed or discouraged by:
16. If a major illness strikes your mate, how will you react?
17. When my mate does something that displeases me, I will:
18. You may love your mate, but what are your thoughts about him/her being your friend?
19. When my mate sulks, whines, or pouts, I will:
20. When I find that my mate is not listening to me, I will:
21. When my mate uses the phrases “you always,” “you never,” or “everytime,” I will respond by:
22. What are your thoughts about sharing unpleasant things that happen during the day?
23. I think I can help develop my mate’s self-image by:
24. In clarifying misunderstood statements, I will:
25. I think that my mate and I need to improve our communication in the following areas:
26. I think my mate would like to change the following qualities or behaviors in me:
27. I express love to my mate in the following ways:
28. What are your feelings about marriage counselors and pastors helping you solve personal and marital problems?
29. I have the following educational plans:
30. I have the following vocational plans:
31. I would like to ask the following questions about communication in marriage:
More Communication Questions for Discussion
1. I think the best time of day to talk over marital difficulties is:
2. The types of things that get on my nerves are:
3. State your opinion about your partner talking about former sweethearts or a former spouse:
4. When my mate says one thing and means another, I will:
5. I can compliment and praise my spouse more by:
6. When my mate goes out often with the guys/gals, I feel:
7. What are your thoughts about telling jokes at your partner’s expense?
8. What are your opinions about correcting your mate in public?
9. I like to do the following activities with my mate:
10. When I find it difficult to confide in my mate, I will:
11. How can you help your mate when he/she is upset because of work, children, or some conflict with another person outside of your marriage? How much sympathy do you give? How much encouragement? How much correction?
12. What is your opinion about discussing your spouse’s faults in public?
13. What are your thoughts about nonverbal communication in marriage?
14. What are your thoughts about arguing in public?
15. It has been said that marriage is a 50–50 partnership. What do you think?
16. I am easily offended in the following ways:
17. What are your thoughts about discussing in-laws in public?
18. I think that personality clashes are caused by:
19. I think that jealousy and possessiveness are caused by:
20. How important do you think it is for a husband and wife to discuss intellectual and emotional issues such as race relations, politics, religion?
1. Reuel L. Howe, The Miracle of Dialogue (New York: The Seabury Press, 1963), p. 3.
2. Marjorie Umphrey, Getting to Know You (Harvest House Publishers, 1976), pp. 20-21.