CHAPTER 9

SELF-CARE BUFFER ZONE

As a busy lawyer, it’s easy for Allison to ignore her own needs while meeting the demands of her profession.

I have to work long, unpredictable hours, so taking care of myself is next to impossible. Being able to tune out my body actually works pretty well for me—except when it doesn’t. If I stop working long enough to pay attention, I notice that I’m exhausted, irritable, famished, frustrated, and sometimes exhilarated. When I’m working on a case, I find myself eating to stay awake, then bingeing late at night to relieve all the stress and calm myself down enough to sleep.

Eating isn’t the only pendulum in my life. I work, work, work then collapse on vacation. I save, save, save then blow all my money on some extravagant purchase to reward myself for working so much. I ignored a cough for three weeks then landed in the emergency room with pneumonia and had to postpone a trial. I guess my life could use a little balance, variety, and moderation too.

WHERE DO I INVEST MY ENERGY?
Self-Care

The last decision point in the Mindful Eating Cycle is “Where do I invest my energy?” Investing your energy to build a strong self-care buffer zone will make you less vulnerable and more resilient to the triggers and stressors you face each day. Mindfulness helps you pay attention to your self-care needs so you can make choices that bolster your resistance to disease, ineffective thoughts, and overwhelming emotions.

Caring for Yourself

Allison, like many others who struggle with binge eating, had essentially disconnected herself from her physical and emotional needs.

I’ve been “in my head” for as long as I can remember so the Body-Mind-Heart Scan made me so uncomfortable! I had divorced myself from my body a long time ago, so the last thing I want to do is pay attention to it, much less care for it. I hate to exercise. I don’t sleep. I don’t buy new clothes very often. I avoid going to the doctor.

It’s even hard to have friends when you’re working all the time. I haven’t bothered to get involved in another relationship since my partner and I broke up a few years ago. Well, except for food! That’s one relationship that has always been there for me.

Listen to Your Self-Care Voice

As explained in chapter 4, your self-care voice is the compassionate, wise voice that understands what you’ve been through, yet keeps your best intentions in mind. Your self-care voice helps you explore the connection between your triggers, emotions, and needs to come up with action steps for meeting those needs. It takes practice to cultivate your self-care voice and decide to meet your needs in more effective ways. Let’s use the “Trigger, Feeling, Need, Action Plan” formula you learned in chapter 5 to eavesdrop on the self-care voices that are developing in the people you’ve met in previous chapters. Listen to the way the self-care voice validates their feelings and their past attempts to meet their needs, then comes up with a new action plan for meeting those needs.

Kurt knew he needed more pleasure in his life.

Trigger: When I get home after a long day at work.

Feeling: I feel physically and emotionally drained.

Need: I need comfort and pleasure.

Self-Care Voice: Of course you want food! It looks good, tastes good, smells good, and feels good so it gives you immediate comfort and pleasure. The downside is that afterward, the temporary pleasure is replaced by discomfort and regret for the rest of the evening. Before you head right for the pantry or fridge when you get home from work, take care of your need for comfort and pleasure to help you transition into your evening routine. What else gives you comfort and pleasure?

Action Plan: I will take a hot shower, change into my favorite sweatshirt and spend some time playing with my kids and the dog. Before I turn on the TV, I’ll listen to some music and sit in my favorite chair to read the sports section.

Joyce realized she needed to find ways to fill her time.

Trigger: I looked forward to retirement but it’s not what I expected.

Feeling: I’m bored.

Need: I need something to keep me busy during the day. I need to have purpose.

Self-Care Voice: Of course you want to eat when you’re bored; eating is something to do! The problem is that as soon as you stop eating, you’re bored again, so you eat again. Have you forgotten about all the things you said you wanted to do when you retired—like refinishing your furniture or researching your ancestry? What else is this about? Could it be that when you were working, you had a schedule and important things to get done?

OK, I get it; maybe refinishing the furniture is just too overwhelming. What else do you like to do? Think of the last time you were passionate about something, something that energized you. What were you doing? What else would give you purpose? What’s important to you? Do you want to volunteer, learn something new, take on a new challenge, make some new friends?

Action Plan: I do want to refinish the furniture but I will break it into smaller, more manageable chunks—beginning with taking a class at the hardware store. I will also look into teaching at the university—they need more professors with real-world experience in my field.

Robert has a lot on his plate.

Trigger: When I’m under a lot of pressure trying to get a new project off the ground.

Feeling: I feel stressed out.

Need: I need more self-care to feel balanced and calm.

Self-Care Voice: Of course you want to eat! You feel like you’re in constant survival mode: fight, run, or numb. Stress takes a physical and emotional toll—who doesn’t want to feel more balanced and calm, even if only for a few moments? Since stress has a direct effect on your health, let’s rethink adding to the stress with another binge. It’s important to just rest; you don’t always have to be productive. Since it’s not possible, or desirable, to get rid of stress completely, you need to keep things in perspective and learn to manage stress before it manages you.

Action Plan: I will keep things in perspective by asking myself two key questions: “What difference will this make one week or even one year from now?” and “Is this really important to me?” I will create a buffer zone of self-care activities to make myself more resilient and able to bounce back more easily from the stresses and demands of my daily life. I will use more-effective stress relievers like exercise, meditation, relaxation techniques, having fun, and connecting with my friends and family instead of wasting time on pseudo-relaxation like watching TV.

Cathy worries about situations that are beyond her control.

Trigger: When I have no control over a situation.

Feeling: I feel worried and tense.

Need: I need to feel secure and relaxed.

Self-Care Voice: Of course you turn to food; eating distracts and soothes you—at least temporarily. Worrying about the past or the future robs you of the present. When you’re worrying, you’re focused on the future; that’s the opposite of being mindful. Worrying is a habit, and habits can be changed with awareness so you can make a choice to redirect your attention and energy. And even when you can’t control a situation, you can still be in charge of how you respond. What, if anything, can you do right now to change this situation? If there’s a small step you can take, take it. If there isn’t anything you can do, let it go and have faith and trust that it will work out.

Action Plan: I will practice living in the present moment. When I notice myself feeling nervous, I will take several mindful breaths or take a few minutes for mindful meditation using the mantra, “Be here now.” I will decide whether I’m willing to continue to focus on the thoughts even though they are causing me discomfort. I will try to park my worries and only come back to them when I have time to problem solve.

(Note: If you have anxiety that is frequent, persistent, or severe and out of proportion to the seriousness or likelihood of the feared event, please see a behavioral health professional.)

Brittney shared two big events she had to cope with.

Trigger: My mom called to tell me that my dog died, then my dad announced that he’s getting married.

Feeling: I feel sad and depressed.

Need: I need comfort and hope that things will get easier.

Self-Care Voice: It feels like a rug has been pulled out from underneath you and your sense of reality has been shaken. You had Fifi since she was a puppy. Of course, you’re tempted to seek out food for distraction and comfort. But you know from experience that eating only distracts you temporarily and can’t truly soothe your pain. Both of these events are significant to you; be patient with yourself and allow yourself to grieve. Remember the wave? Even these intense feelings will eventually dissipate as you allow yourself to experience them. Now you’re going to have to adjust to having a stepmother!

Action Plan: I will try to journal about it and I will allow myself to cry when I need to. I will get support from my friends and talk to others who have been through stuff like this. I will find ways to take care of myself and keep myself busy. When I’m ready, I will make an effort to get to know dad’s fiancé.

(Note: If sadness is persistent or disruptive, you may have complicated grief or clinical depression. See a behavioral health professional.)

Kurt opened up about feeling guilty.

Trigger: My elderly mother died last fall before I made it out to see her. Actually, I feel guilty about a lot of things.

Feeling: I feel guilty and ashamed.

Need: I need to forgive myself.

Self-Care Voice: Of course! Overeating is a way to punish yourself when you feel guilty or ashamed about something that happened—even something in the distant past. Feeling guilty about overeating just compounds your guilt. You had no way of knowing how quickly her cancer would go; if you could do it over again, you would have gone to stay with her. But you can’t do it over. Punishing yourself by bingeing only makes you hurt more; mom wouldn’t have wanted that. Rather than shaming yourself, this is an opportunity to accept responsibility, ask for forgiveness, learn the lesson, and move on. Nobody’s perfect. It’s important to separate your choices and behaviors from who you are as a person—even when it comes to your eating. Extend grace and forgiveness to yourself. You were doing the best you knew how at the time. That’s the reason for all the “of courses!”

Action Plan: When I’m feeling guilty about something, I’ll ask myself how my actions contributed to that situation. I’ll ask myself, “If I knew then what I know now, and if I were operating at my best, what do I wish I would have done differently?” I will acknowledge my mistakes and extract whatever valuable life lessons I can. Because of this experience, I will be careful to spend time with people I care about so I won’t have any regrets.

(Note: Persistent shame may stem from a history of trauma or abuse; if this is true for you, it’s important to seek help from a behavioral health professional to safely address these issues.)

Connie continues to struggle with perfectionism.

Trigger: When I feel like I have to get everything perfect.

Feeling: I am afraid that when people see my flaws, they won’t like me.

Need: I need unconditional acceptance.

Self-Care Voice: Of course! Human beings have a deep seated need for approval. It is common for people with eating disorders to have perfectionistic thinking like yours. You may have been born this way! Overeating is a way to disengage from the distress of not meeting your own expectations. But since perfection is an impossibly high bar, expecting yourself, and others to be perfect guarantees that you’ll never be satisfied. While it’s important to do your best, perfection isn’t possible or necessary. You don’t have to be perfect to be enough.

Action Plan: I will remind myself what I’ve learned about dichotomous thinking and practice finding a more balanced and gentle way to approach my life. I will be more mindful about accepting what is rather than what I think it should be. I will ask myself, “Is there a more reasonable expectation I could have about this situation or myself? What would be a more realistic and empowering way of talking to myself about this?” I will work on being more willing to risk making a mistake, and when I do, I will see it as an opportunity for learning and growth, instead of failure.

Brittney sensed a need for deeper spiritual connection.

Trigger: When there are so many changes in my life, the world feels unpredictable and lonely.

Feeling: I feel empty, alone, and afraid, like something’s missing.

Need: I need spiritual connection.

Self-Care Voice: Of course! Most people have a need to feel connected to something greater than themselves and feel less alone in this great big universe. They say that everyone has a God-shaped hole in their heart and so maybe you’ve been using food to help fill the void instead.

Action Plan: As I practice mindfulness, I am feeling more connected to nature and life around me. My “beginner’s mind” is allowing me to appreciate the beauty in simple things. I’ll start using prayer and meditation to help me deepen this spiritual connection I’m feeling. I may even check out some of the faith organizations on campus.

THE GREY AREA

MINDFUL RELATIONSHIPS

Mindful living promotes healthier relationships. Bringing mindfulness—intention and attention—into your relationships reduces conflict, decreases emotional distress, increases your opportunities to meet your needs, and makes for more satisfying connections with others. People with disordered eating and eating disorders often isolate themselves and/or have difficulty reaching out to others and asking for support. Many turn to food to try to meet their need for satisfying relationships. An important part of recovery is to replace your relationship with food with relationships involving other people. Food will then take its proper place: nourishing and fueling your body.

Start by setting an intention for your relationships, such as, “I will strive to be respectful, attentive, and loving toward myself and others.” Focus your attention during your interactions in order to actively listen, validate, assertively communicate, and resolve conflict.

Actively Listen

Active listening draws others out and invites them to communicate their thoughts, feelings, and needs. It allows you to learn how they think and feel, and hear what they need. You listen actively when you pay full attention while they talk, make eye contact, nod, say “Uh-huh,” and allow them to speak uninterrupted. But it’s more than paying attention; it’s being intentional about improving the relationship by trying to understand their viewpoint and needs. Here are a few examples of questions that will help you understand another person better:

•What do you think about this situation?

•How did you feel about what happened?

•What do you need to feel better about this?

Validate

In any relationship—including your relationship with yourself—validation conveys understanding and acceptance. Validation intentionally communicates that their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are understandable given their experiences. Validation is not to be confused with agreement; you don’t have to agree with someone to validate them.

Validation meets the intrinsic need to be understood. It communicates acceptance, calms reactivity, builds trust, fosters closeness, models empathy, and enhances self-respect. Other examples of ways to validate others:

•I hear what you’re saying.

•You seem really sad.

•I can understand why you feel disappointed.

•I see what you mean when you say that.

 

It is equally important to validate yourself, as in these examples:

•Of course! You were doing the best you could under the circumstances.

•It’s ok to think and feel this way; it’s understandable given all the stress you’ve been under.

•It doesn’t feel good now but you were just trying to make yourself feel better.

•Let’s look at the Mindful Eating Cycle to try to understand what happened and see what you could do differently next time.

Assertively Communicate

Assertiveness is communicating how you feel about a particular situation without blaming or judging and then stating what you want, need, or prefer. The key to assertive communication is taking responsibility for your own feelings and communicating your needs clearly, without being passive, aggressive, or both. When you communicate your needs clearly and assertively, you give others the ability to decide whether to meet those needs.

Blaming or accusing someone by using you statements, such as, “You hurt my feelings,” tends to make the person feel defensive and pushes them further away. Conversely, I statements, such as, “I feel hurt,” puts you in charge of your own emotions and reactions, and draws the other person closer. The following script will help guide you.

When you ________________________ (describe behavior), I feel/felt _________________________ (describe feeling) and I want/need/would prefer __________________ (describe desired behavior).

Example: When you speak critically about me, I feel hurt and inadequate. I need to hear you say that you love and appreciate me more often.

Resolve Conflict

Conflict is inherent in any relationship because people don’t always think or feel the same way about any given situation. Problems occur when someone is so focused on defending their point of view that they cannot pay attention to the thoughts, feelings, and views of another. This is likely to leave the other person feeling defensive, misunderstood, hurt, and/or angry. Like other forms of dichotomous thinking, believing that you are right and another is wrong prevents you from seeing a third option: we each have valid viewpoints and we can work through this together.

Validating the other person and using assertive communication to express and listen to one another’s viewpoints and needs diffuses anger and prevents hurt feelings and misunderstandings. This will allow you to focus on finding a balance between your two seemingly opposite positions to formulate a solution that satisfies everyone involved.

Connie realized she was using food to reward herself.

Trigger: When I’m taking care of everybody else without getting anything in return.

Feeling: I feel unappreciated and resentful.

Need: I need acknowledgement and appreciation.

Self-Care Voice: Of course you reward or treat yourself with food for giving all day. Everyone needs to feel appreciated and food is a universal way to express gratitude. But overeating isn’t a great reward because you end up feeling bad afterward. I know it’s difficult for you, but it’s important to start letting people know how you feel and what you need from them. If they still don’t show the appreciation you feel you deserve, you get to make a choice: don’t do everything for them anymore or do it because you want to and find ways to acknowledge yourself.

Action Plan: I will plan a family meeting and say something like, “I feel hurt when you don’t recognize what I do for you. I’d love to hear “thank you” more often and have the favors returned sometimes!” I will focus more on the appreciation that I do receive by making a “kudos” file of all the nice things people say and write to me. I will also start a reward fund: whenever I feel deserving of a pat on the back, I’ll give one to myself and deposit a little money to treat myself to something I love, like downloading some great music, subscribing to one of my favorite magazines, or planning a spa day. When I decide that food is an appropriate reward, I’ll make it for a special event and enjoy the whole experience mindfully so it won’t feel punishing instead of rewarding.

Samantha has trouble managing social eating.

Trigger: When I am eating with my family or friends in a social situation.

Feeling: I feel excited, disconnected, and pressured to eat.

Need: I need to be in charge and present with my body.

Self-Care Voice: Of course all of this food and the celebratory mood triggers you to want to eat! You can enjoy connecting with people you love over food while still using your hunger and fullness to guide you. When someone offers you food and you think, “I don’t want to be rude or hurt their feelings,” remember, you are in charge of your body. If they are offering—or pushing—food as a way to express or earn love, you can acknowledge their efforts without ignoring your needs.

Action Plan: I will do a Body-Mind-Heart Scan to reconnect with my body when I am in social situations. When someone offers me food but I’m not hungry, I can politely and firmly decline, thank them, and acknowledge how much I appreciate their talent and effort. I can ask for the recipe or request leftovers to take home to eat when I’m hungry. I will look for nonedible ways to give and receive affection: attention, words, touching, cards, small gifts, and spending time together doing something other than eating.

Samantha was also struggling to find balance in her life.

Trigger: When I’m trying to juggle taking care of my grandkids and helping my elderly parents on top of everything else I have to do.

Feeling: I feel tired and overwhelmed.

Need: I need balance and more rest.

Self-Care Voice: Of course! You have a lot on your plate. Life places a lot of demands on your energy and time, plus you have the added stress of your own high expectations. You’ve learned that eating can be a way to balance your physical and emotional energy. When you’re wired, it calms you down; when you’re tired, it can soothe you to sleep. Food works, but you deserve better! Your time and energy are limited resources; you are in charge of managing that delicate balance.

Action Plan: I will make a list and prioritize what I need to get done. I will respect my personal strengths and limitations and learn to say no and do less. I will increase the time I give myself to do things and cut down on the number of obligations and complications in my life. I will slow down and become completely aware and focused on the moment and on one task at a time so I’ll be more efficient, more effective, and more likely to notice life’s little pleasures. I will start planning a vacation, even if it’s just a long weekend.

Cathy had a difficult situation at work.

Trigger: When I came up with a great idea and my manager took credit for it.

Feeling: I feel angry and hurt.

Need: I need to feel heard and respected for my ideas.

Self-Care Voice: Of course you feel angry! Of course you feel like eating. You were raised to believe that anger was bad and that you shouldn’t feel or show it. You’ve learned to use food to stuff your anger—eating has become a way to turn your anger against yourself, especially when you feel hurt. Anger is a normal, healthy feeling that should be expressed in a healthy way, like any other emotion. When you stuff your anger, it sometimes explodes later at an unrelated or minor event; no wonder anger seems bad! When you feel resentful about something, you reach for food as a sort of compensation. Just imagine someone saying, “Listen, I’ve decided to treat you unfairly, but I’d like to buy off your bad feelings with this plate of cookies.” Yet that’s precisely what you’re doing when you eat to smooth things over. Since anger sometimes masks the real issue, could it be that you are actually feeling hurt, ashamed, or afraid of losing something or someone?

Action Plan: I will practice expressing anger and hurt in a healthy way. I will work on telling people how I feel and how I want to be treated. When I find myself reaching for food to soothe anger from a hurt, an insult, or an injustice, I will ask myself, “If this person offered me food to apologize for their action, would I take it?” If for some reason I am unable to address the issue directly, I will release the energy by writing an angry letter (I don’t have to send it!), screaming into a pillow, or exercising. After I deal with my anger, I will shift gears by focusing on something that makes me feel happy, like watching a funny movie, talking to a friend, or turning up the radio and singing to return to a sense of serenity and peace.

(Note: Sometimes anger is expressed in an inappropriate manner and can cause relational and/or legal problems. If that is the case, seek help for anger management from a behavioral health professional.)

Natalie thinks Mark isn’t spending enough time with her.

Trigger: When my husband gets too focused on his work, he seems to forget about me.

Feeling: I feel lonely and vulnerable.

Need: I need closeness and affection.

Self-Care Voice: Of course you turn to food when you feel lonely; it’s always there for you. But you can’t feel close to a carton of ice cream! When you’re feeling vulnerable, you tend to either complain or pull away from Mark and that creates even more distance between the two of you. Try not to take it personally when he gets busy. You are loveable and he loves you.

Action Plan: I will take a risk and use a more direct approach. I will hug and kiss him more often. I will say, “I’ve been really missing you lately; can we plan some “us” time soon?” I will also plan more activities with my girlfriends so I am not depending on just one person to help me feel connected.

Joyce takes a risk and shares a long-standing problem.

Trigger: When I admit that I’ve stayed in an unhappy marriage for 37 years.

Feeling: I feel trapped and scared.

Need: I need to finally feel at peace with what I need to do.

Self-Care Voice: Of course! You eat to numb out uncomfortable emotions or procrastinate about addressing something that you feel you can’t resolve. It is natural to want to avoid something scary and it’s easier to eat and stay in denial about an important issue that’s painful to deal with. Avoiding confrontation and conflict and stuffing your feelings, thoughts, and opinions down with food prevents you from expressing yourself. Identifying your feelings and needs, taking good care of yourself, seeking out support, and learning new skills is far more effective than avoiding your feelings.

Action Plan: I will tell my husband how I really feel. I know this will be a difficult process so I will take good care of myself, seek out support, and use my new skills. When things seems overwhelming, I will see my therapist to help guide me through the process.

Each of these individuals are learning to effectively use their self-care voice to validate their struggle and remind themselves of the wisdom they have learned along their journey of mindful eating and living. Allison shares her journey of learning to reconnect with herself so she could care for herself.

Although it is still hard to listen to my needs, I’m working on it. I think I’m actually starting to hear my self-care voice! My therapist encouraged me to go to the doctor and have a full physical. I hadn’t been for over five years. I told the nurse that I was working with someone to address my eating issues and I didn’t want to know my weight, and they seemed to understand. I wasn’t exactly in the best health, but it wasn’t as bad as I was afraid it might be. My doctor said that I could take another important step by getting more active, but she didn’t lecture me about my weight, thank goodness! I have been walking to and from the office instead of taking the subway. I use mindful movement techniques to tune into my body and the environment during my walks. It is a great stress reliever—and a good reason for me to leave work before dark.

I’ve also been making a point of going to bed when I feel tired—no more working and eating marathons—so I’m sleeping quite a bit better. And food is no longer my primary friendship. I realized that I had boxed myself into a very small, isolated, lonely world. I started to reach out more and connect with other people. It’s easier than I thought it would be—and people seem genuinely interested in getting to know me better. I’m interested in getting to know me better too!