FORGIVENESS: RELEASE THE PAST
Forgiveness is one of those topics that no one wants to really discuss. We like to couch it in terms of divinity and holiness and sanctity. In the Western world, we are inundated with the concept of Divine forgiveness from an early age. After all, didn’t God (a.k.a. Yahweh) give his only son to remove our sins? If that is not the ultimate act of sacrifice and forgiveness, then I don’t know what is. Throughout time, saints have worked to emulate the Holy Father’s example, enduring unspeakable tortures and still forgiving their transgressors. Even in the modern worship of the Divine Feminine, the Goddess forgives us our petty offenses, seeing them as a small issue (a run, a discarded remnant) in the ever-expanding fabric of the cosmos. Forgiveness, as we have been taught, is something bigger and greater than humanity. It is sacred.
Bull-poop. That’s right. You heard me. Bull-poop! Forgiveness is one of the earthiest of actions there is. We do it every day, in the face of large and small catastrophes. Your daughter smacks you a little too hard as she’s playing ninja-fighting girl? You forgive her. No questions asked, and often, without even the need for an apology. You happen to be on the tail end of a car crash? Ugh! You despair over the paperwork, but the other driver—you barely give him a second thought. He obviously didn’t mean to do it, so you forgive him and move on with the tediousness of the insurance company. The woman who cuts you off in traffic? The harried registry worker who gives you wrong advice? The friend who spills ketchup on your new white suit? Forgiven, forgiven, and forgiven. Why? Because we all realize that we make mistakes. We’re not perfect; we’re human. There’s a world of difference between the two.
So, if forgiveness is such a human action, why don’t we talk about it? In a way, it’s our ego’s fault. Even though, deep down, we know we’re flawed, we still want to believe that we’re perfect. We don’t make mistakes. We have a plaaaaan. We know what we’re doing and where we’re going and everything is going along “according to plan.” If we discussed forgiveness, we’d have to admit that sometimes we make mistakes and hurt people, and sometimes the people in our lives make mistakes and hurt us. Mistakes are not part of the plan. Ever.
But, why not? Why are we so wedded to the plan? What makes the plan great enough that we ignore a fundamental aspect of being human? The plan represents our goals, our aspirations, and our ideals. It is the great cumulation of a life of hard work and drive. The spouse, the kids, the house, the picket fence, even the dog are testaments to our worth on this planet. Look what we have accomplished. Look what we leave behind. Are we not worthy? Are we not wonderful?
Of course we are worthy and wonderful, but the plan is not what make us so! The items gathered in following the plan are not aspects of ourselves. The plan is fantastic if it truly makes us happy. However, it also shackles us to a thought process that takes us outside of ourselves. The perfect plan represents what we wish to project to the world. Our success, our happiness, our worth is codified into tangible, materialistic items. But the essence of humanity lies not in the things we possess, but rather in the emotional core at the very center of ourselves. In order to understand forgiveness and welcome it in our lives, we have to relinquish the outward-thinking construct of “the plan” and rely on the inward-thinking concept of ourselves.
Now, I’m not advocating giving up all your goals and dreams and wandering around the Earth living at the mercy of others. What I am suggesting is a release of the stagnant, suffocating energy you have built up in trying to keep up with the Joneses. Every single person on this planet is an individual, unique and wondrous unto himself or herself. So why are we constantly striving to be as good as Joey or Suzie or Gigi or John? Why can we not strive to be as good as ourselves? We can, if only we allow ourselves the luxury of loving our place in the world, right here and right now. Once we begin to release the trappings of the material world, we realize that forgiveness is hard because we want to hang on to the past, just as we want to hang on to our stuff. It is difficult to alter the mindset from outward justification to inward reflection.
And forgiveness is, perhaps, the ultimate release. When a person causes you or someone you love harm, you have two options. You can either: a) hold on to the hurt feelings, keeping them alive until they begin to affect your judgment and choices, or b) release the hurt feelings and live your life according to your inner judgment and wisdom. It’s not a difficult decision when stated so boldly. Most people would automatically choose option b, allowing their own individuality and thoughts to steer their life. However, with forgiveness comes hurt, sorrow, and grief—deep emotions that are not easy to assimilate. The Buddhists believe that all of the world’s sorrow comes from an inability to accept that the world is transitive, always moving and shifting, being destroyed and created in the blink of an eye. We feel those dark emotions because we long for a past that is no longer available to us. The way is shut. However, around us lies the glorious pathway of the present, if we but choose to open our eyes and see it.
Forgiveness is not easy. We have to accept that someone hurt us or that we hurt someone else. We have to acknowledge that our lives, our very selves, are not perfect, and that we meandered far from “the plan.” Everything is not going according to our perfect little plan, and that’s okay, because the plan rarely affords us the inner satisfaction for which we long. Yet release of the plan, release of the hurt (whether felt toward another or toward ourselves) is possible. We must acknowledge that we made a mistake and that our lives are not perfect. Once that is done, forgiveness is just a moment away.
ENERGY RETURN
The one pit-fall connected to forgiveness revolves around a sense of self-worth, for forgiveness should not confused with what I like to term the doormat mentality. Many people hold on to past grudges because they don’t want the other person to be relieved of his/her guilt. This, of course, does nothing beneficial for the affronted party, serving only to perpetuate the emotions of sorrow, guilt, and betrayal. They work to re-live the hurt on a daily basis so they do not fall into the same situation again. They cannot forgive because they are afraid the same thing will happen.
Others forgive easily. They learn to live with transgressions, small and large, not allowing them to linger any period of time in their psyche. They stay in situations that may not be healthy for them, because they are also afraid. They are afraid of change, of standing on their own, of movement beyond the “known” course. These people have a doormat mentality. They experience situations that cause them pain again and again, forgiving again and again. Instead of listening to their inner wisdom, they have removed their voices and hunkered down to withstand the never-ending storm. They have become doormats in their own lives, allowing everyone else to walk all over them.
Forgiveness is not about becoming a shrinking violet or a doormat. We should learn from every experience in life. We need to take stock of what makes us happy and unhappy and then do something with that knowledge. After all, we only come this way once in this incarnation! But, while we need to assess our lives, we do not need to harbor the old hurts and wounds. We can learn from those past actions and, then move on, releasing the pain on airy breezes. Forgiveness is not about chaining yourself to the tried and true. Quite the opposite! It’s about release. Release of the hurt, release of the sadness, release of the actions and situations that brought about the pain. Release of the past. Forgiveness is about moving away from the doormat mentality into a glorious world that only you can imagine.
MANTRA
Through voice
And blood,
The chains are released
And forgiven.
It probably seems strange to include a goddess from the blood-loving pantheon of the Aztec Empire in a discussion of forgiveness. Warriors, flayers of skin, destroyers of towns, sacrificers of humans, the Aztecs have a violent and cruel reputation. Perhaps the violence of the Aztecs necessitated a goddess of forgiveness. The strong emotions stoked and unleashed in war could not have been easily subdued in everyday life. What’s an energetic, young Aztec warrior to do when his blood boils or he thirsts for illicit love? Some, perhaps, took out their aggression and lust on the field of games. Others, undoubtedly, indulged in a different sort of game with the local prostitutes or the winsome wife next door. (Now, before casting judgment on the Aztecs, consider this statistic that I came across just the other day: In modern America, it is estimated that 22 percent of married men and 14–16 percent of married women will have an affair sometime during their relationship. And that’s without the aphrodisiac of a shorter life span and blood sacrifices at the local temple.)
Tlazolteotl is a complex goddess with many forms and functions. In modern times, we tend to equate her with the role of “Mother Goddess.” She is, indeed, connected to fertility, midwifery, and healing.[1] She is the mother of the corn god, Cinteotl, and the love goddess, Xochiquetzal. Deeply connected to the welfare of her people through the nourishing aspects of food and love (her son and daughter), Tlazolteotl is one of a group of fertility deities classified as the Teteoionnan.[2] One of the most popular birthing statues accessible to modern women is an image of her as a small statue with an enlarged head, grimacing. Her shoulders and neck appear strained. She is squatting down with her knees bent, as a baby appears between her legs.
As Tlazolteotl is associated with fertility and birthing, it comes as no surprise that she is also thought to be a goddess of love and of the moon. In one of her many incarnations, Tlazolteotl is known as Ixcuina, a love and moon goddess with four aspects. These aspects are sisters and were born in the following order: Tiacapan, Teico, Tlaco, and Xocutzin.[3] It is common for Aztec gods and goddesses to be divided into four aspects, and it is equally common for four aspects to be unified into one god. The differentiation often occurs when one specific deity is seen as resting in each of the four sacred trees at the corners of the universe at the same time. The multiplication of divinity indicates the pervasiveness of the particular deity. In effect, this god or goddess is everywhere; there is nowhere you can go to hide from his/her view. Such is the case with Tlazolteotl.[4]
Although revered as a mother goddess and a fertility goddess, Tlazolteotl’s main role in the Aztec pantheon was that of enticer and seducer. She was known to be the “sexy little voice” inside one’s head, suggesting all the morally wrong but physically pleasurable acts possible in the world. This darker, alluring aspect of her personality fits with her overall interest in love, fertility, and sex. She understands the baser elements of human sexual interaction, while still encouraging and aiding the positive facets of sex and love. Tlazolteotl embodies lusty, illicit sex and fertile, giving love. In Aztec society, sex out of wedlock was not permitted but happened just the same. Thus, Tlazalteotl became a necessary goddess: a scapegoat who instigated the illegal behavior and an absolver who forgave the penitent individual.
Yet, oftentimes what is necessary is not always well-liked. Tlazalteotl, when in her role as temptress and forgiver, was not a welcome goddess, since her pathway was difficult and uncomfortable. She forced the transgressor to sublimate to her will (as expressed through her priests) and to give up or remove the ego. Only in this altered, humble state, could she accept the confessed sins and remove them from the individual forever. Indeed, once the sins were confessed, it was as if they had never been committed. This ability to remove guilt and sin and grant absolution (but only once in a lifetime) is the reason why her name means “filth goddess” or “eater of filth.” She removes the filth (the sins), making the individual pure and clean. But, remember, Tlazolteotl also urges people to commit such sins in the first place! She needs this filth, these sins to sustain the balance of dark and light, good and evil found in all human intimate relationships, over which she rules. We all have the ability to harm as well as heal, and Tlazolteotl embodies this truth. She is as much a part of human nature as breathing. This balance between dark and light can be seen in her elaborate confession and absolution ritual. It purified the individual, freeing him or her from punishment under Aztec law, but the ritual also involved painful physical and mental punishment that, undoubtedly, lasted until the end of days.
The ritual began when the penitent requested forgiveness of his sins from the priest of Tlazolteotl. The priest would consult his books and calendars and designate a time and date that would hold the most meaning for the energy of the rite. When this day arrived, the priest would arrive at the penitent’s house and conduct the ritual there. The Aztecs believed that adultery and illicit sex could create disease for all the members of the family, living and dead. Adultery caused the liver to secret a toxic essence that could send sickness on all members of the household, including children and even innocent bystanders. Thus, the ritual took place in the sinner’s household. Once there, the adulterer would disrobe and, completely naked, recount all his sexual misdeeds in the order in which they occurred. This was often likened to a song or a journey along the path of the sinner’s life. The telling was rather formal in structure, even though there were no specific words or phrases that needed to be used. “For the Aztecs, the confession, which was the cleaning of one’s heart, had to address the amount of phlegm and soil that has covered the heart. It was thought that too much weight of guilt on the heart would drive a person crazy.”[5]
Following the confession, which was recorded in a book (the deeds shrouded by the glyphs and symbols), the confessor was given a penance from the priest, which corresponded in severity to the confessed sins. The man or woman was expected to fast in order to remove the sin of eating food from the Earth, which was thought of as the death of one thing in order to sustain the life of another. In fact, many of the Aztec sacrificial offerings, including the blood offerings, were done in atonement of living at the expense of some other beings on Earth. Therefore, fasting was the surest way of instigating purity of body and mind, which was the ultimate goal of the confession to the priest of Tlazolteotl. After fasting, the penitent would then be instructed as to the shape and manner of further self-sacrifice. This could involve dancing, singing, or the making of images and it almost always included a sacrifice of blood. Often the sinner was instructed to use straw or reed to pierce his tongue, that which spoke the sins, and to pierce his penis, that which performed the sins. The piercings could be anywhere between 400 and 800 pricks. After the blood-letting, the sinner was led to the temple of Tlazolteotl and told to humbly pray to the goddess for an entire night, in nothing but a piece of paper painted with obsidian points, the emblem of the goddess. On the following day, the sins were no more, having been eaten by the goddess Tlazolteotl.[6]
Leave it to the Aztecs to turn confession into an all-day, blood-letting event! But, seriously, the goddess Tlazolteotl understands guilt and sin and their effects on the sinner and other people in the sinner’s life. Through the elaborate confession, the sins are destroyed. The sinner is completely brand-new, purified of all immoral past actions. The raw cotton spindle often depicted on Tlazolteotl’s headdress symbolizes the new life of the former sinner. He or she needs no longer hold on to negative actions from the past. Those are forever erased from the heart, mind, body, and soul. Cleansed and pure, the sinner has become as innocent as the newborn babe.
Such is the power of Tlazolteotl. She gives us the freedom of removing the sins of ourselves and of others that affect us. Instead of living with the guilt, shame, rage, and pain, Tlazolteotl suggests we let it go. She wants us to unburden our hearts so we can live in equilibrium with the world around us. She invites us to call on her, to unburden our souls by using our mouths, and allow her to eat our filth. It is not easy to admit one’s mistakes, to accept the pain we have caused others or that others have caused us. But it is possible. Release of the sins from our souls and destruction of them at the hands of Tlazolteotl is feasible. This strong Aztec goddess promises self-sovereignty, if only we can give up that which we have always kept buried.
Pathway to Tlazolteotl
Despite Tlazolteotl’s rather dark personality, getting to know her doesn’t have to be as painful as, say, sticking a straw or reed through your tongue! It can actually be quite sweet and enjoyable, as well as purifying. It may sound strange to talk about enjoying the company of the “eater of filth,” but there is an immense and immediate feeling of freedom upon unburdening yourself to her. You have released your worries to a higher power. The Divine mother of the cosmos, she who sits in all four sacred trees, has taken away your transgressions, as well as the pain and hurt you feel from other people’s sins upon you. You are reborn.
Working with Tlazolteotl is neither quick nor easy, but it is worth the effort! If you choose to unburden yourself to this ancient Aztec goddess, you will need to set aside three weeks of time to devote yourself to the process. Don’t worry! You won’t need to spend every minute of those three weeks thinking about your issues. However, it would be fruitless to begin this pathway in the midst of the hectic holiday season or when your life is in upheaval. You’re going to need some down-time to integrate all the wisdom and knowledge you’ll be receiving. Pick a time when you have at least two or three free evenings each week.
For the first week, gather some raw organic cacao beans for a frothy, spicy, Aztec drink. Grind up the beans using a cutting board and rolling pin. You can also use a mortar and pestle, if you have one. Make sure the beans have already been roasted so you don’t have to worry about their hard, outer shells. I like cacao beans used in “raw” cooking because they haven’t been over-heated and still retain their beneficial enzymes. Add the finely ground cacao to cold water, adding “chili water” (or water that has had chili peppers boiled in it), vanilla beans or pods, and honey. Place this mixture on the stove and let it boil while stirring constantly. When it starts to get bubbly or frothy, remove the pan from the heat and let it cool slightly. Repeat the boiling, stirring, and cooling process three more times. When finished, you will have a drink that is similar to the Aztec chocolate drink—rich, bitter, frothy, and thick. The Aztecs drank their chocolate cold, so place the mixture in several coffee or tea mugs and wait for it to cool. Once it has cooled, choose the fullest mug and, going outside at sunset, speak aloud your sins or the sins of those who have hurt you. Allow yourself the time to feel the weight of these events. When you are ready, pour the cup of chocolate on the ground in offering to Tlazolteotl. You have taken the first step in unburdening yourself of these actions. Feel free to consume and/or share any remaining Aztec chocolate with your friends and loved ones.
Now that you have lowered your defenses and shown your vulnerability to Tlazolteotl, the time has come for a ritual cleansing. It is time to sweat! Some sources state that Tlazolteotl was connected to steam baths, so what better way to cleanse yourself than an afternoon at the sauna? Although this sounds like a monumental task, finding a sauna is actually not that difficult. Many gyms and health clubs offer sauna facilities. If you already belong to one, ask at the front desk or membership office. If not, check out the health clubs in your area. You can go on a private tour. If they have a sauna, ask for a complimentary week-long membership. It’ll only cost you the gas of driving there! When in the sauna, focus on driving out any impurities. This is your time to remove the effects of the past, sweating it out through your very pores. Take as much time as you need but don’t overdo it. Saunas can be powerful experiences, especially if you’re not used to the heat. Take it easy and remember to drink lots of water!
Once you’ve admitted your pain and removed it through sweat and steam, the time has come to get back to enjoying life! For the third week of your experience with Tlazolteotl, pick a time when you can be alone and watch the movie Chocolat, which stars Johnny Depp (ooh la la) and the beautiful Juliette Binoche. This movie has a dual character and purpose. On the one hand, it is a sweet love story, a story about finding love of self, love of place, and love with another. On the other hand, it is very much about the concept of sin and our perception of justice and goodness in the world and in ourselves. In the movie, the chocolate (for which the movie is named) serves to remind the people of a small French village that life is more than fear and drudgery and denial. Indulgence in life, symbolized by the chocolate, allows the people to actively participate in forgiveness—forgiveness of self and forgiveness of others—so they can release the past and move forward toward the future. And did I mention it’s got Johnny Depp?
MANTRA
My cleansing tears
Bring joy and peace.
There’s something about Mary Magdalene that connects to our stomachs, our pelvises, our wombs. If she’s not birthing the rumored child of Jesus Christ, then she is an adulterous woman or a prostitute from the town Magdala, which was known for its “loose women” in Biblical times. But the funny thing about Mary Magdalene is that if you read the Bible, there is no mention of her as a sexual object. She is a messenger, a teacher, an apt listener, a pious follower, and a penitent woman. Her sexuality is conspicuously absent. Yet, sex has become synonymous with Mary Magdalene, thanks in large part to a very influential pope from the sixth century.
In 591 ce, Pope Gregory I began a series of sermons about Mary Magdalene. In these, he put forth the idea that three women in the Bible (one named Mary Magdalene, one named Mary of Bethany, and one unnamed adulteress) were, in fact, the same woman. Under the guidance and interpretation of Pope Gregory the Great (as he came to be known), Mary Magdalene became the epitome of the sinful, repentant woman, who was saved when she met Jesus Christ. Her lessons, her Divine connection, her spirituality diminished and was forgotten, drowned out by Gregory’s sordid explanation of her life in the Bible. Indeed, Gregory took a powerful female spiritual leader and reduced her to a sexualized, earthly trollop who was reformed due to her encounter with a pure, heavenly man.
To Gregory, writing during the sixth century, this interpretation of Mary Magdalene made perfect sense. In the Middle Ages, women were relegated to sexually submissive roles in an effort to remove their power and thus their threat to established male-dominated religious sects. Women gave birth, which automatically connected them to sex. Sex, thanks to the story of Adam and Eve, was linked to temptation. Temptation was put forth in the world by the devil and (I’m sure you know where this going) leads to sin. So, women, due to the very nature of their bodies and the human need to reproduce, were products of the devil and sin. This scenario was very convenient for the celibate male clerics who were able (in theory) to give up sex in order to eschew the devil and gain closer access to God the Father and his son, Jesus Christ. If women were intrinsically unable to connect with spirit on a higher level because of their bodies, then the men would not need to compete with them for religious influence (and money). Mary Magdalene became the symbol in the church of the sinful, sexual woman saved through the auspices of pure, male-dominated, asexual spirituality.[7]
Yet in modern times, the passion and sexuality of Mary Magdalene have come into focus and scrutiny once again. Could she have been the wife and lover of Jesus Christ? Did she bear a child of Christ’s lineage here on Earth? In truth, we may never know. This newest foray into the complex character of Mary Magdalene is intrinsically linked to the concepts of femininity put forth by Pope Gregory the Great. Without Gregory’s emphasis on Mary Magdalene’s sexual nature, she might have served a purpose in the Catholic Church similar to that of Mary, the Holy Mother. She might have been stripped of her earthy womanliness for a pure, clean (possibly even asexual) persona. So, even if we dislike Gregory’s interpretation of Mary Magdalene, we cannot truly separate ourselves (or Mary Magdalene) from it. Pope Gregory’s influence continues to this day, having shaped and molded the goddess Mary Magdalene into the Divine presence we acknowledge today.
Mary Magdalene first bursts into the Bible in Luke 8:2 as a repentant follower of Jesus. Using her full name, “Mary who was called Magdalene,”[8] she is said to have been exorcised of seven demons. This is the only mention of Mary’s demons throughout the whole Bible. After this, as “Mary Magdalene” she is shown as one of Jesus’ staunchest followers. She travels with him to Jerusalem from Galilee at the time of his death. She watches over him, from a distance, throughout his ordeal and is even said to “minister to Him.”[9] In all of the four traditional Gospels—those attributed to Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John—Mary Magdalene, along with other female followers of Christ, is first given the news of Jesus’ resurrection. This important news, indeed the very cornerstone of the Christian faith, is entrusted to women, who must safeguard the information and disseminate it to the male apostles. At this time, the male apostles are sitting snugly in their room in Jerusalem, fearing for their lives. The female followers of Jesus, on the other hand, are busy honoring their sacrificed teacher with unguents and spices for his body.
Not only is the resurrection proclaimed to women, including Mary Magdalene, but, in John 20, the first person to glimpse the Divine essence of Jesus is Mary Magdalene. Not Peter. Not Paul. Not Thomas and his doubtful ways. But Mary Magdalene. As she stands, crying, outside the empty tomb of Jesus, two angels arrive and ask her why she is crying. She answers, “They have taken my lord away . . . and I don’t know where they have put him.”[10] Suddenly a man appears before Mary Magdalene. It is Jesus but she does not recognize him until he says her name. At which point, she turns to him and calls out, “Teacher.” Jesus responds with the dictate, “Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet returned to my Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, ‘I am returning to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God’.”[11]
After reading and understanding the role Mary Magdalene plays in bearing the “good news” (Jesus’ resurrection) to the world, is it any wonder that an entire spiritual tract, in truth an actual Gospel, was attributed to her? In 1896, a section of the Gospel of Mary Magdalene, copied into a fifth-century manuscript, was brought to Berlin from Cairo by Carl Reinhardt. Additional fragments of the gospel, written in Greek, have surfaced in the twentieth century. These finds total approximately eight papyrus sheets, indicating that a lot of the Gospel has perhaps been lost or destroyed over time.[12]
The Gospel of Mary Magdalene is not like the traditional gospels found in Bibles around the world. Many of the philosophies and tenets shy away from well-known Christian teachings. The Gospel begins at Chapter Four, since Chapters One through Three are lost. It appears, in Chapter Four, that Christ has descended to Earth once again to give teachings to his beloved disciples. In these teachings, he says that, “All nature, all formations, all creatures exist in and with one another,”[13] indicating an energetic connection between all beings, living and non-living, on the Earth. Jesus continues with the assertion that there is no such thing as “sin” on Earth. Rather, the sin is within our actions and only by learning and understanding spirituality in daily life can we come to understand spirituality in the Divine sense, both in relation to deities and to our inner selves. If we accept the spirituality of ourselves, and thus the spirituality of all around us, then we will have learned the lesson of “Good,” and will have attained a higher nature, where there will be no sickness or death. Before he departs, Jesus suggests looking to the various forms of nature whenever one is distraught or downtrodden in the teaching and understanding of these ideas.
After Jesus leaves, the disciples are upset and fearful. They ask Mary Magdalene to share some wisdom of Christ, taught exclusively to her. This is, of course, significant because it shows Mary Magdalene as an equal of the male apostles and as a special confidant of Jesus Christ. She calms their fears by proclaiming the greatness of Jesus Christ. Through her simple faith and love, Mary Magdalene “turned their [the apostles’] hearts to the Good,”[14] which is the term Jesus uses when describing the path to personal and Divine spirituality.
After praising Christ, Mary begins with an account of a time when she talked to Christ about a vision she received. He praises her for persevering in allowing the vision to unfold, and then five pages go missing in the manuscript. When the Gospel picks up again, we are in the midst of an incredibly detailed philosophical discussion about the soul and its ascension. Many of the aspects of the original teachings of Christ, from the first section of the Gospel of Mary Magdalene, reappear here in the description of the ascension of the soul. Matter and the “All” are dissolved, both on Earth and in heaven. The soul is “released from a world . . . and from the fetter of oblivion which is transient.”[15] In short, the soul moves beyond the limited concept of matter into a place and time greater than our understanding of the material world, into a communion with pure spirituality.
Mary’s lessons are met with disdain, confusion, and hostility by the disciples. Andrew says he doesn’t believe the Savior would ever have taught such strange ideas. Peter openly challenges Mary’s relationship with Jesus, questioning whether He would have taught such concepts to a woman and not to His male apostles. Mary begins to cry and Levi steps forward to give support to Mary and her teachings. He advocates accepting Mary Magdalene as a spiritual equal, as the one Jesus “loved . . . more than us.”[16] Levi suggests that they lay aside their egos and go forth to spread the teachings of Jesus Christ. With Levi’s calm influence, the apostles choose to follow his advice and preach the word of Jesus Christ. Thus, the Gospel of Mary Magdalene ends.
Mary Magdalene’s lessons have forever been met with confusion and disdain. After all, she is a woman in a decidedly male environment. The Church rejected her Gospel centuries ago and she has been relegated to the role of woman-as-sinner, saved through the purity of Christ. But Mary Magdalene refuses to be pigeonholed into any rote stereotype. She is neither sinner, nor wife, nor spiritual leader, but all of these things together. In truth, she exactly encapsulates the teachings of her Gospel, going beyond the matter of here and now, the nature of life on Earth, to an understanding of all things as one in Divine spiritual union. But we, in our small minds, find it difficult to comprehend this greatness, and so she forgives us our confusion.
Through her tears at Jesus’ tomb and her tears at the apostles’ rejection, she cleanses and remakes anew. In both instances, the power of the Divine—of calmness and peace and clarity—shines through, turning aside pain and negativity. Is that not what forgiveness does? Forgiveness strips away the emotions that no longer serve us so we can sally forth into a blinding future of promise, untainted by the past. This is Mary Magdalene’s gift to us. Whether we approach her as harlot, sacred grail, sinner, or saint, she welcomes us, wiping away our fears and transgressions with her tears, giving hope and joy with her acceptance.
Pathway to Mary Magdalene
The tears of Mary Magdalene seem to be a portal into her Divine nature and into her relationship with us. In her stories, she is not afraid to release her emotions through her tears. This is a lesson for all of us as we work to accept forgiveness of self and offer forgiveness to others. Tears are a wonderful release. They often clear away unnecessary thoughts and feelings, leaving us in a space of freedom and clarity. We should not be afraid to cry.
So, with that in mind, go ahead—cry! But it’s not that easy, is it? We spend all of our lives reining in our emotions so as not to “embarrass” ourselves or others with our demonstrative displays. It begins in elementary school when we are ridiculed for “being a baby.” And it just continues from there, until we simply can’t express our darkest, deepest, most painful emotions. We suck it up, suck them in, and simply accept a sucky life. But we don’t need to. We have the right to a life full of complete, whole emotions. Sadness is just as important as happiness or passion or joy. Anger plays a part in our emotions too, and you may find that you have to expel a lot of anger before you can access your grief and your tears.
Sometimes it is easier to cry when we have outside stimuli. If you are having difficulty activating your deepest emotions, try putting on a sad movie. Maybe even one with Mary Magdalene in it; The Passion of the Christ is a supremely shocking film in its violence and brutality and should not be watched by children of any age. (There’s a reason it is rated R.) Yet, all that violence lends itself to a truly sorrowful ending when Christ is crucified. You could also rent Jesus Christ Superstar, a rock opera by Andrew Lloyd Webber. The most well-known song, “I don’t know how to love him,” is sung by the Mary Magdalene character and always brings me to tears.
If you don’t like movies with non-stop blood or non-stop singing, I recommend Bridge to Terabithia as a wonderful vehicle to access your emotions. Centered on the friendship between a pre-teen boy and girl, the visuals are stunning, the story is moving, and the kids are just so darn cute. I cannot make it through this movie without crying at least two times. I cry even more when I watch Titanic.
Locate a movie, CD, or box of old photos. Wrap yourself in a warm, soft blanket. Place a box of super-soft tissues next to you, and give yourself permission to cry. It’s okay. No one’s looking. It’s just you and your movie and your tissues and the healing power of Mary Magdalene.
MANTRA
I forgive myself.
Arianrhod is a goddess who is not easily understood. She is connected to the night sky and the luminous moon. Her light is diffused through multiple layers of time and karma and experience. In Welsh tradition, she oversees the Whirlpool of Creation, knowing all that occurs in the past, present, and future. It is to her castle in the sky, Caer Sidi, that the spirits fly upon their death. Arianrhod is beauteous maiden in the myths of The Mabinogion, serene and wise Moon Mother in the night sky, and tender, all-knowing crone of all wisdom and all time. Complex? You bet.
What does Arianrhod have to do with forgiveness? Arianrhod is a goddess who makes mistakes. She lies, disavows her children, abandons them, and actually curses one of her sons. In short, Arianrhod is not in the running for Mother of the Year. However, she never makes excuses for her behavior. She never even apologizes for it because she is acting in accordance to her own true calling, her sovereign self. Arianrhod is simply not interested in relinquishing her power and her current life for the children. For many of us, this action feels intrinsically wrong. We look at her actions and shudder. We think to ourselves, “What kind of mother would do that?!” In the end, maybe we should be asking ourselves, “What kind of woman wouldn’t?”
An ancestral goddess of the ancient Celts, Arianrhod is the daughter of the mother goddess Don. Her father, like her consort Nwyvre, is little discussed in relation to her mythos. Some sources list her father as Beli, the Celtic god of light and healing,[17] but she is always referred to as her mother’s child, possibly harking back to a time of “mother-rule” in the distant past. Her brother is usually listed as Gwydion, a god of magic and trickery. However, Gwydion has two brothers—Amaethon, god of agriculture; and Govannon, god of smithcraft—who do not appear to be directly related to Arianrhod. This confusing family tree leads to the possibility that Don may have exercised her right to pick her lovers freely in a time when a queen chose and dismissed her consorts as she wished, without the constraint of marriage.
If so, this “queen-right” explains the convoluted and conflicting passages relating to Arianrhod in the Welsh book of mythology The Mabinogion. Arianrhod appears to have followed her mother’s example, as she lives by herself, without a husband, at Caer Sidi or Caer Arianrhod. She takes her mates as she wishes and is even said to have slept with mermen on the beach near her castle.[18] However, when her brother Gwydion calls her to the court of their uncle, Math ap Mathonwy (Don’s brother and a powerful magician), her brother claims that she is a virgin. When Math asks her if she is a maiden, Arianrhod replies, “I know not but that I am.”[19] Math tests her virginity (and the truthfulness of her word) by asking Arianrhod to step over his bent magic wand. (The shape of the wand is important to note because, in the text, Math actually takes the time to bend his wand, perhaps giving it more potency or a more phallic semblance.)
Without fear or hesitation, Arianrhod steps over the wand, and promptly delivers one baby boy, Dylan Eil Ton, Sea Son of Wave,[20] who immediately crawls to the sea and is not heard of again until his uncle (half-uncle?) Govannon kills him by accident. As Arianrhod heads to the door, another bundle of joy drops from her, unnoticed by everyone except Gwydion, who grabs the small child and wraps it in a silk sheet. The appearance of these two children seems to contradict Arianrhod’s original claim that she is a virgin! In modern society, we, like Math, view virginity as a purely physical, sexual condition. However, if you accept the premise that a matriarchal culture existed at one time in the British Isles, then Arianrhod was not lying by calling herself a maiden. She saw virginity as a state of mind, rather than as merely a lack of sexual contact. She believed herself to be a free woman, complete unto herself, without ties or obligations to any man. She was simply confusing (perhaps deliberately) her uncle’s question and answering it on her own terms instead of his.
Years later, Gwydion arrives at Arianrhod’s court with the boy he had wrapped in the silk sheet. She asks him who the child is and he tells her, “This boy is a son of thine.” Arianrhod replies, “Alas, man! What came over thee to put me to shame, and keep it as long as this?”[21] It seems startling that a mother would welcome her child in such a fashion, claiming that he “shamed” her and condemning Gwydion for taking care of him for so long. (She does not even treat her son as a person but, rather, a thing, by calling him “it.”) However, the answer to her puzzling behavior may stem from her immediate response to birthing her children at Math’s court all those years before. If Arianrhod purposefully mistakes Math’s question about her virginity, answering on her terms of emotional and spiritual freedom rather than sexual purity, she chooses to hide her beliefs instead of stating them and confronting her uncle’s culturally limited ideas. She doesn’t argue with his questioning. She outwardly conforms, concealing her true nature. The birth of her sons gave her the ideal opportunity to discuss her beliefs with her uncle, her brother, and all the men of the court. Yet, she flees. Instead of gaining power from the birth of her sons and taking pride in her innate creative ability, she disavows them and runs away.
Arianrhod returns to her home, Caer Sidi, where her woman-centered, female-empowered ideas are understood and welcomed. Instead of reveling in her power as a woman at Math’s court, she slinks away to her home. She does not declare her right to have children with whomever she wishes. She does not proclaim her equality with the men of Math’s court. Instead, she succumbs to their ideas about her, to the socially accepted views of womanhood. Arianrhod allows the men to alter her perceptions about herself. For a brief moment, she agrees with them about her “unnatural” sexual liberation, about her inability to rule a kingdom, about her need to be protected by a male. It is this moment of weakness that shames Arianrhod. The boy is simply a reminder and Gwydion, having suggested Math send for Arianrhod all those years before, is the originator of the situation that caused her betrayal of herself. Gwydion’s arrival at her court forces Arianrhod to recall her cowardly behavior; therefore, she lashes out at the young boy with a curse to never have a name unless she gives it to him.
The next day, Gwydion, in his trickster aspect, dupes Arianrhod into giving her son a name, Lleu Llaw Gyffes (fair, deft hand),[22] when he disguises the boy and himself as shoemakers, crafting shoes made of gold. After Gwydion reveals their true shapes to Arianrhod, she announces that her brother may have won this round but she will win the next. She exclaims, “I will swear on this boy a destiny that he shall never bear arms till I myself equip him therewith.”[23] This curse seems less an angry statement against Lleu and more a proclamation against Gwydion. It is as if the two siblings are fighting over who is more powerful and the boy is merely a pawn in their game.
Years pass and Lleu is trained in the martial skills of riding a horse and wielding a sword. When he is ready, Gwydion again disguises himself and the boy, this time as traveling bards, and they are welcomed into Caer Arianrhod to entertain the court. After singing songs and telling tales all evening long, Gwydion once again tricks his sister into breaking her own curse. The next morning, he creates the illusion of an invasion force surrounding Caer Arianrhod and convinces Arianrhod that every able-bodied man should come to arms. She agrees and even straps the armor on her son, at the prompting of Gwydion. Once she has done this, her curse is broken and Gwydion makes the false fleet disappear. Astonished, Arianrhod admonishes her brother by stating that many of her men might have been harmed because of his deceit. He is unrepentant, and so, in a pique against her brother, Arianrhod lays the final curse on her son. She proclaims, “And I will swear a destiny on him, that he shall never have a wife of the race that is now on this Earth.”[24] This curse is foiled by Gwydion and Math. Working together, they create a wife for Lleu out of flowers, the goddess Bloudewedd.
In The Mabinogion, Arianrhod does not meet Lleu again in mortal form. Once Gwydion has received the curses and their subsequent releases from his sister, he leaves her alone. Lleu, following his uncle’s lead, does not contact her either. In short, Arianrhod is left to her own life, which is exactly as she wanted it. Yet, it is not hard to conceptualize a time when Arianrhod might have regretted her actions in relation to her son and that fateful day at Math’s court. Maybe not in outward appearance or in word or deed, but sometime, in the darkness of night, Arianrhod might have grieved, bemoaning a path that led her to her current place in life. The ancient and medieval myths do not mention any such outpouring of emotion, but it is conceivable.
It is this aspect of the goddess that understands the actions of which we may not be proud. Perhaps we yelled too often or gave our child up for adoption or had an abortion or succumbed to an addiction. Too often we beat up on ourselves for past actions. We live with that shame and guilt, allowing them to stifle our current connections and relationships. Arianrhod can help us forgive ourselves our mistakes, no matter how heinous. Arianrhod’s choices are difficult to understand. However, Arianrhod is no less a woman for her choices, no less warm, no less caring. Finding peace within herself, she has the ability to give so much more to the world because she followed her own path. By staying true to herself, Arianrhod is able to be a better person, free of bitterness and disappointment, free of second guesses and misunderstandings. She is able to move forward with her life as the best person she can be right here and right now. This is her gift to us. Accept it and live in the light of the present moment, free from the guilt and shame of the past. You deserve it.[25]
Pathway to Arianrhod
Since Arianrhod helps us to free ourselves of the real and imagined wrongs we have committed, it is necessary to truly face ourselves. This is not always easy, but in the end, what other choice do we have? It is time to look yourself in the mirror and accept the truth—the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly.
Anoint a white taper candle with oil. Start from the bottom of the candle and work the oil upward, toward the wick. While you are anointing the candle, focus on your intention to release your guilt and shame up to the goddess Arianrhod, giving it to her keeping in the Whirlpool of Creation where it will be transmuted into positive, life-affirming energy.
For the three nights of the full moon, go into your bathroom with your candle and turn off all the lights. By the soft, muted candlelight, gaze at your reflection. Take some time to think about your positive attributes and say three out loud. Think about three things from which you feel you need forgiveness. State the first forgivable action and then say the phrase, “I forgive you.” Next, say the second forgivable action and then the third, making sure to say the forgiveness phrase in between and at the end. End the healing session with three more positive attributes of yourself. Graciously thank Arianrhod and snuff out the candle.
Don’t be surprised if you have strange dreams, an urge to do something unusual, or an emotional response to this activity. You may find yourself crying a lot or feeling the need to send cards. You might want to burrow under the blankets at three in the afternoon or sit and watch silly teenage movies. This is all a completely normal reaction to Arianrhod’s pathway. After all, you are purging yourself of energy that has been blocked and stifled for a while. Give yourself some time to heal. Follow your intuition and try not to close yourself off to the experience of self-forgiveness.
RITUAL FOR FORGIVENESS:
CREATING A MANDALA OF YOU
Suggested Ritual Days
Jewish month of Elul: usually begins in mid- to late August, lasting until Yom Kippur
Muslim month of Ramadan: the holy month begins when the first crescent of the new moon of the ninth month of the Islamic calendar is sighted (see a current calendar for exact dates)
June: Forgiveness week, seems to vary according to organization and year, but is always held in June
First Sunday in August: International Forgiveness Day, as proclaimed by the Better World Project and the Worldwide Forgiveness Alliance
August 27: Global Day of Forgiveness, as proclaimed by the Christian Embassy of Christ’s Ambassadors
Last Saturday in October: National Day of Forgiveness in the United States, as proclaimed by the Center of Unconditional Love
Items needed
a 7x7-inch square of flat cardboard or wood
a pencil
colored sand
an extremely small funnel (often included in the purchase of colored sand)
incense in the scent of hyacinth, crocus, or violet
relaxing music
Begin by setting aside an entire day for this ritual. It may take you less time but there’s nothing worse than feeling the guidance of spirit and having to stop because the mundane world intrudes. Protect yourself from this frustrating situation and devote the whole day to yourself. (I know this is going to be a challenge!) If you are extremely lucky and have wonderful babysitters or a very understanding significant other, try to schedule something fun and relaxing right after your forgiveness ritual. You may feel slightly tired and edgy after confronting your inner demons all day.
Once you have a space all to yourself, set up your 7x7-inch square of cardboard or wood on a level surface. This can be your dining room table, a counter, or the floor. Pick a place that is easy for you to use because you will be leaning over it for most of the day. Your ritual will consist of creating a unique sand mandala, individual to you. Sand mandalas are sacred rituals in Tibetan Buddhism, often taking many monks several days to complete. They are usually very intricate and involve several complementary colors of differing hues. For instance, it is common to see the colors blue, red, yellow, and green expressed in a dark, medium, and light hue—a primary, secondary, and tertiary color scheme.
The monks begin the creation of the sand mandala with an opening ceremony that includes mantras, drums, and flutes. Then, they begin to sketch out the design on a square surface, taking the time to pray during the creative process. Colored sands are then layered onto the mandala sketch using a very specific tool, called a chakpur. Two chakpurs are used at one time, to symbolize the union of compassion and wisdom. Once the mandala is complete, the monks perform a closing ceremony and then dismantle the design, sweeping it into a river or stream to symbolize the impermanence of all things. Sometimes they sweep all the sands together, forming a kaleidoscopic pile. They then give out handfuls of it to bystanders and observers. In both instances, the sands are meant to send healing energies throughout the world.[26]
It is important to focus on those you want to forgive (including yourself) during the creation of your mandala, so I would suggest staying away from the traditional Tibetan Buddhist mandalas, as they are very intricate and difficult to create. Focus on a symbol that means something to you personally. This can be anything at all—an object from nature, a spiritual symbol, or a free-form image that comes to you as you begin the creative process. Whatever you decide, don’t second guess yourself! This will only cause you to focus on the negative when you are trying to rise to a higher level of understanding. Allow yourself the luxury of fluidity in order to simply “be” in the present.
You should follow the same steps as the Tibetan monks in the creation of your mandala. First, chant or pray to open your ritual. Second, sketch out your design on the cardboard or wood, using your pencil. Third, create a multi-hued, layered mandala with the colored sand. (This is best accomplished by pouring small amounts of sand into the funnel and directing it to the appropriate place on your cardboard or wood.) Fourth, chant or pray to close your ritual. Fifth, dismantle your mandala by either pouring the sand into a river or stream, or dispersing it on the wind.
Throughout the process, you should be cognizant of the fluidity of life and the change and transformation that occurs every minute of the day. Forgiveness can be a wonderful experience of release. No longer do we have to hang on to the negative energies and the awful occurrences in our lives. We can let them go. Just as the colored sand washes down the river or flies away on the wind, our past transgressions, former wounds, and traumas can be given over to the spirit of the Divine. We can embrace the truth of impermanence and relish every moment in life right here, right now. Namaste.
[1]. Ann and Imel, Goddesses in World Mythology, 36.
[2]. Jordan, Encyclopedia of Gods, 264.
[3]. Took, “Tlazolteotl.”
[4]. Carrasco, “Uttered from the Heart,” i1 1.
[5]. Ibid.
[6]. Ibid.
[7]. Carroll, “Who Was Mary Magdalene?”
[8]. New American Standard Bible. www.biblegateway.com
[9]. Ibid., Mark 15:39.
[10]. Holy Bible, New International Version, John 20:13. www.biblegateway.com
[11]. Ibid., John 20:16–17.
[12]. King, “The Gospel of Mary of Magdala,” excerpted from The Gospel of Mary of Magdala: Jesus and the First Woman Apostle.
[13]. The Gnostic Society Library, “The Gospel According to Mary Magdalene,” Mary Magdalene 4:22.
[14]. Ibid., Mary Magdalene 5:4.
[15]. Ibid., Mary Magdalene 8:17–24.
[16]. Ibid., Mary Magdalene 9:9. This phrase has often been used to show that Mary Magdalene was thought of as more than a student or apostle of Christ’s. Many read this and believe it backs up their assertion that Mary Magdalene was Jesus’ wife and lover, bearer of his child.
[17]. Jordan, Encyclopedia of Gods, 24.
[18]. Monaghan, The New Book of Goddesses & Heroines.
[19]. Jones and Jones, Mabinogion, 54.
[20]. Ibid., 54.
[21]. Ibid., 55.
[22]. Ibid., 56.
[23]. Ibid., 56.
[24]. Ibid., 57.
[25]. Much of the story of Arianrhod first appeared in Goddess Afoot!, 24–28. For more information and intimate workings with Arianrhod, Welsh Sovereign Lady, including a guided meditation and ritual, please see chapter 2 of Goddess Afoot!
[26]. The Tibetan Monks of Deprung Gomang Monastery, “Sand Mandala, Sacred Art.”