Chapter Two

Safe Havens

When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability.… To be alive is to be vulnerable.

Madeleine L’Engle, Walking on Water

When I was in high school, my language arts teacher was Ms. Andraka. Michelle, as I later called her, was twenty-seven, single, and living in Center City, Philadelphia. She seemed happy and had a knack for asking students good questions.

It was known around school that Michelle talked a lot about the Bible and God and Campus Crusade. I’d grown up going to church and enjoyed prayer, even as a teenager, but I didn’t think talking about my relationship with God with my teacher was cool, even though I went to a Christian high school. Even so, Michelle and I developed a relationship inside and outside the classroom.

High school is nothing I would want to repeat. In fact, I made enough poor choices to warrant myself the talk of my church. It’s not easy for a young girl with a daring personality and lots of passions to listen to sermons on sin and the holiness of God. But the truth is, I had a genuine interest in spiritual things. My problem, however, was that I also had a genuine interest in good times and hot guys. So for a few years, I pursued all of my passions. When you are in high school, you have it in the back of your mind that “one day” you will stop doing what you’re not supposed to do. That can be translated as “One day I will stop living with all kinds of desires.”

At the beginning of my junior year, I knew I wanted to attend college, so I broke up with my boyfriend who was much older than I was and started to dream about a career. It was about that time that Michelle and I started having deeper conversations. She was the one person who knew about both my lives. Talking openly with Michelle seemed natural; I never remember her pulling away from me, shifting her eyes, or thinking she wanted to fix me. One day, when we were enjoying appetizers at a restaurant in downtown Philadelphia, she asked me about my relationship with Jesus.

“It’s great!” I said. “Jesus is really cool. But I don’t really fit with what it means to be a Christian girl—I’m nothing like the others.”

Michelle laughed loud enough for the other patrons to look over at us. “Pam! I love that you’re so transparent. Of course you’re not like other Christians—you’re not supposed to be. Jesus is pursuing you for his purposes, not yours or theirs.”

Something about Michelle’s response was freeing. She didn’t lecture me on the way I dressed or the friends I hung out with at school. She didn’t make me feel like I was this rebellious teenager about to ruin my future. She didn’t assume that I knew who God was just because I went to church and attended a religious high school. She was determined, humble, and flexible in meeting me exactly where I was and as I was, without trying to change me. She gave me space to talk about the longings in my heart, the good longings and the bad. I could tell she wasn’t about religion but about something spiritual.

Despite our age difference, I felt free to open up with Michelle. Through the end of my senior year of high school, we met often. She was a safe haven for me, more than any woman I had in my life up to that point.

Jesus, Our Example

We live in a media-saturated world where women of all ages seem more connected than ever before. Our problem is we outwardly appear to be close to other women when in fact women feel more isolated than ever. Consequently, many young women want mentors, guides, and role models to whom they can bring their accomplishments and failures to feel affirmed, mutually respected, and understood.

Jesus is a brilliant example of what it means to be a safe haven for others. When we examine his relationship with his disciples, we see that he allowed them to be themselves, even if that meant they would resist his ideas. According to John, who devoted eight chapters of his book to the last hours of Jesus’s life, in the weeks up to his death, Jesus didn’t minister to the crowds; instead, he spent time with his closest friends (John 13:1–30). The gospel writer was showing how much Jesus prioritized personal relationships.

Since Jesus knew the reason God had sent him to earth in the first place and was aware of his season of life, I think we can assume that every word he said and every act he performed had purpose. He was determined to serve his disciples.

Eagerly desiring to show his closest friends something more, Jesus did something for them that, as far as we know, he never did for other human beings: he knelt and washed the feet of all twelve of his disciples. When he came to Peter and lowered himself, Peter objected. He insisted that this Messiah, Lord, and Savior could not wash his dirty feet. On the surface it might have seemed as though Peter was being humble, but that wasn’t the case. His words betrayed his self-reliance: “You shall never wash my feet” (John 13:8). He had no real desire to do Christ’s will. Jesus wisely saw the bigger picture and didn’t walk away from or ignore his friend. Nor did he criticize him for his outburst. Instead, he loved him without condition, giving Peter the freedom to express whatever was on his mind.

When people feel safe, they often reveal their truest natures. As Christ revealed his own humility by lowering himself to wash the disciples’ feet, Peter revealed his spiritual independence. Jesus responded, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.” I imagine Jesus’s tone of voice here was one of disappointment, not condemnation. Peter then tried to instruct Jesus to wash his hands and head as well. Still Jesus didn’t react with condemnation or impatience, making Peter feel even safer.

When Jesus healed the sick, the disciples saw his compassion; when he cast out demons and fed the five thousand, they saw his supernatural power. But in this scene, they saw his nature: open and humble. After he washed the disciples’ feet, Jesus told them to do this for one another and to expect a blessing.

There is a lesson here for those of us who want to build bridges to the next generation: when we are humble, others are free to be open around us.

Qualities of Safe Havens

Is the core of your heart a safe place? Can you give others the space to grow, fail, and mature?

David Kinnaman, author of You Lost Me, said, “To follow Jesus, young adults in the next generation—just like the generations before them—will have to learn humility. From whom will they learn it? When they look at us, do they see humble servants and eager students of the Master?”1 Jo Saxton, author of Influential, said that to reach the next generation we must be accessible and transparent.

The qualities of a safe haven are as follows.

Humble

Our ability to serve those around us depends largely on why we’re doing the serving. The humbler we are—the more aware we are of God’s working power in our lives—the more we can get up from the table, so to speak, set aside what others may think, and give to those closest to us. We can confidently lay aside anything that would get in the way of loving. When our determination to serve equals what God has given us, other women begin to open up their hearts to us. They find us to be shelters in whom they can relax and feel accepted.

When we are humble, we are rarely threatened or embarrassed or insecure. (If we become aware that we are struggling with feeling threatened or insecure, we acknowledge it but don’t let it hold us back.) We are free to focus on the other person and to be present to her.

When we are humble, it paves the way for “oneness.” In John 17:11, Jesus prayed to his Father, asking him to keep his followers in his name, “that they may be one as we are one.” Oneness is a connection that happens right now. People are spiritually formed when we are forming together in that present moment. With age, we can forget how to be “one” with a younger woman—meaning we forget how to be her friend. Yet being one with another person is basically finding ways to agree with that person. We are one with a younger woman when we find ways to identify with her: “How’s the child care coming along? I remember when I first started working after my baby was born.” Or “I’m not feeling motivated to exercise. How do you discipline yourself so well?” When we are one with a younger woman, we give her a model for what her relationship with Christ could look like: authentic, safe, practical, intimate, and conversational. When we humbly admit that we want to learn how to support her by being ourselves, we help her experience her identity in Christ. We help her understand what it means to be loved and to be worthy. We help her recognize that her relationship with Christ can be accessible and transparent.

We also help her understand her dependency on Christ by the way we talk about our lives, our ministries, our families, our jobs, or our “brands.” Many of us don’t realize that we can often sound as though we do things on our own. Yet consider Christ’s relationship to his Father. In John 8:28, he said, “I do nothing on my own but speak just what the Father has taught me.” When a younger woman leaves your presence, would she say the same about you? The next conversation you have with her may be the only time she hears “I’m learning to listen more and more to the Spirit, and I only do what he tells me.” When your words and actions reveal your dependence on him and everything he has done for you, you help the young women in your life to understand that they too must be dependent on him.

However, if you have self-reliance at the center of your relationship with Jesus, that’s what you will pass along to others; it’s spiritually impossible not to do so.

Committed to the Relationship

I’ve experienced a wide variety of relationships with women through work, church, ministry, neighborhoods, and friendships over the years. Not one of those relationships was without its problems. One or two women left the relationship out of offense. Others insisted on being the center of attention. Close relationships can come and go; the strong ones will stay, and we gladly benefit from them. Even when a relationship has problems, it can be one in which “iron sharpens iron” (Prov. 27:17). Properly navigated, close relationships can give a woman such a strong sense of belonging, and the love and support she receives will far outweigh the bad.

Able to Invite Others to Be Vulnerable

When we invite younger women to share their deeper feelings with us, they feel our love for them. When my friend Olivia slipped in next to me in church one Sunday, I could tell immediately she was trying to hide that something was bothering her. I knew I could just let her be or I could invite her to tell me what was going on in her heart. I leaned over and asked if she was okay. She held herself back and smiled, saying she would be all right. I’ve known Olivia for several years; our husbands work together and she and I minister together, and I knew she didn’t want to burden me. She had fallen into self-reliance, so I persisted, “I can tell something’s wrong.” Then I told her how much I loved her. I’m just enough ahead of her in life to feel confident around my or others’ chaotic feelings. They don’t intimidate me anymore. And I’ve experienced God’s peace in those places when someone else spoke a word of truth to me. So I “got up from the table and knelt” before her. Then I said, “If you can’t tell me the truth, we can’t be close friends.” With that, her tears started, and after church she opened up to me. I cried with her so she could say what she needed to say.

It’s important that we send a message to the younger women in our lives that says, “I love you, but you need to be real with me.” In this way, we create an environment where women are free to open up emotionally. How else can we expect to speak the truth into someone’s life?

Becoming a Safe Haven

If as you are reading this you are wondering whether you are a safe haven, here are some things to consider.

Pay Attention to Your Tone of Voice

My fifteen-year-old daughter has made it her mission to remind me of the tone of my voice when I’m interacting with our family. Her friendly reminders usually happen when I’m multitasking, because I’m horrible at it, and my voice changes tones when I’m frustrated. “Girls! Whose turn is it to unload the dishwasher?” Suddenly, I hear a sweet voice behind me say, “Mom, try it this way.” (Imagine a soft, sweet, lighthearted tone.) “Giiirls, whose turn is it to unload the dishwasher?” We all laugh at this, but she’s right. Our tone of voice can make all the difference when it comes to whether we are sending a message that says, “You can talk to me about anything and you won’t be judged or criticized or confronted.”

One young friend told me, “The second I hear my mom’s voice on the phone, the tone of her voice tells me if we are going to have a good conversation or not.”

A student once said this about a woman professor: “Her tone was so accusing when I asked her questions in class.” Later when I mentioned this to the professor in confidence, she shook her head and said, “I was just trying to move on to my lecture.” I was saddened by this response because the professor clearly had missed the point.

The pace of our lives authorizes the tones of our voices more than we realize. As Carl Jung often said, “Hurry isn’t of the devil; it is the devil.”2

There are a number of ways to remind ourselves about this. I recommend that women ask others for feedback about their tones of voice. It’s a good way to show you are vulnerable and open to suggestions. You can also stand in front of a mirror and watch yourself as you speak on the phone. You can see what you look like when you use a particular tone. It can also help to take five seconds to breathe deeply before every interaction.

Renew Your Thinking

Alayna, an eighth grader who is a good student and active in sports, was the recipient of an unhealthy sexting and emailing relationship with a boy from her class. When her parents found out and everyone involved gathered for a meeting, Alayna hung her head in shame, not wanting to make eye contact with the adults who expected so much of her. As the meeting began, the school nurse made eye contact with her and said, “Before anything else is said to you, I want you to know that wondering about sex is a normal teenaged thing. There’s nothing wrong with you for being curious. It’s normal for you to be flattered by a boy’s attention.” With those compassionate words, this wise woman helped Alayna drop her guard and be willing to receive proper training from the adult women in her life.

When younger women tell you things that are painful and possibly even shameful for them, what thoughts go through your mind? Are you shocked? Judgmental? Critical? Put off? Or are you compassionate and loving?

To become more compassionate, caring, and safe, you may have to renew your thinking. The younger generation needs to hear us using good sense with them when they talk with us about serious situations in their lives. They need to see that we are open-minded, not set in our natural way of seeing things. If we are living in a way that pleases God, we renew our minds by the power of the Holy Spirit, who enables us to see things anew, not from our natural perspective.

When I think of women who renew their thinking through the power of the Holy Spirit and who shelter others in their presence, I think of Dana, who applies what she’s studying in Scripture to her own life first. Because her inward thoughts are meditating on Scripture, the first words out of her mouth are good and helpful.

For instance, after Laura eloped with a young man her parents disapproved of, her family cut off all communication with her. When Dana started meeting with her, the first thing she said to her was “Laura, what’s done is done. If you need to confess anything you did wrong to God or your parents, do it. Otherwise, you need to get back to the business of living life.” She didn’t ask, “Why did you do such a foolish thing?” Nor did she criticize her parents.

You can renew your thinking in dozens of ways. For example, broaden your perspective by reading books by different authors, even ones you might disagree with. Pursue relationships with women who differ from you theologically and educationally. Renew your perspective by listening first in a situation. Withholding your opinion is a way of considering someone’s need more important than your own. As you wait to speak, you may become aware of how you stereotype others and their situations, thinking things such as That sounds like something a liberal person would say or That sounds like something an evangelical would do.

Women who take active steps to renew their minds have a much greater chance of becoming safe havens.

Take the Time

Adrienne, who is an administrator in a hospital, set aside a few hours on a Saturday afternoon to cook with a group of twentysomething women she had met through a gathering. She had asked them what they would like to do together, and these single professionals said they wanted to learn to cook new recipes and talk about spiritual issues.

Another woman I know takes special trips with each of her granddaughters. She chooses a week out of the year to spend with each one. She plans the trip, buys the tickets, and reserves that time just for the two of them. They eat out, visit museums, and see shows. She even took one of her granddaughters on a hot air balloon ride. On returning from one of these trips, she said to me, “My heart is full.” I’m happy for this woman, because I know how often her daughters, granddaughters, and nieces initiate contact with her. I’m convinced that the amount of time she takes to linger in their presence demonstrates to these young women that she hears and loves them.

Other women I know take the time to connect regularly with the younger women they care about via scheduled Skype or FaceTime calls. When relatives or family friends do this, my daughters look forward to the call if it’s scheduled in advance. As Annie Dillard said about time, “A schedule defends from chaos and whim. It is a net for catching days. It is a scaffolding on which a worker can stand and labor with both hands at sections of time.”3

Avoid Fragmentation and Superficiality

The enemy wants our most intimate thoughts for himself, so he tries to keep women from being close to one another. I believe he uses two things to thwart closeness and to keep us from being safe havens for one another: fragmentation and superficiality.

1. Fragmentation. We give away little pieces of ourselves all day long. Our minds are always on the next thing or on what we just finished, keeping us from focusing on what is in front of us.

When our lives are fragmented, we often lose our sense of joy and our sense of purpose. That’s the case for a pastor friend who shared with me how her greatest regret in the last decade is being too busy. “I don’t regret pursuing my job, but I regret the busyness, and I don’t know how to stop.” Even though she wants to be close to the women in her life, she’s starting to recognize that busyness is sending the opposite message to others: Don’t pursue me or you might just take more from me. When our lives are busy and fragmented, we can’t shelter others with our presence. We keep people standing on the perimeter of our lives, fearful that if they break one more piece off us, our entire worlds will shatter.

When I’m fragmented, I resist spending one-on-one and face-to-face time with people. I withdraw, hoping I can regroup on my own. The antidote to fragmentation is opening up and having deep conversations in the midst of feeling chaotic.

When my daughters announce that they are going to try a new sport or join another club or youth group, I often talk with them about what would happen if they were to say yes to everything. They would feel frazzled and tired, not to mention that I couldn’t possibly drive them everywhere they would want to be! With each new opportunity, we decide together if saying yes to something will cause one of our lives to become fragmented. I want my girls to know that life-giving conversations with them matter to me and I don’t want to sacrifice those important talks.

When asked to do something for someone, these are good questions to ask yourself: Do I want to say yes out of greed? Am I afraid of missing out on what others have?

Busyness isn’t the only thing that leads to fragmentation—so do neglecting God’s purposes, not recognizing where you are in God’s timetable, forgetting what God has given you, and not spending enough time having life-giving conversations with the women closest to you. Deeper conversations remind us about our true purpose and the unique strengths God has given us and, therefore, satisfy any desires we may have for wanting more than we already have.

2. Superficiality. Superficiality is relating to only the surface. It’s a concern with only the obvious or the apparent, not the profound or thorough; it implies a lack of depth. It is a neglect of details through haste or indifference. One author described some in the American church as superficial by saying that they are “a mile wide and an inch deep.”4

Social media doesn’t mitigate this culture of superficiality. For example, we can post photos where we look our best or delete comments we don’t like. Nor is social media a safe place where women can share and be vulnerable. In fact, studies show women who have a prolonged usage of Facebook are more affected than men when it comes to their self-esteem.5 One friend who recently lost a loved one told me she doesn’t understand why women will write thoughtful messages on her Facebook page but never talk about her loss when she sees them in person. “What’s wrong with asking me to my face how I’m doing and waiting for me to answer? I get the impression most women don’t want to hear what I might say.”

To initiate deeper conversations with women, start remembering details they tell you or post online and ask them specific questions the next time you are together. Ask about personal things, but also ask about their work and skills and how Jesus is leading them. Ask what they believe their strengths are. What are the skills God equipped them with, and how do those skills impact their present or future work?

Recently, I posed that question to a small group of twenty-four-year-old women, and each one said she hadn’t thought about it before. Our conversation went beyond the surface as we stayed on that topic for more than an hour. It was satisfying to stay focused, to go deeper, and hear them think aloud about how their God-given skills are helping them to discover their work and, ultimately, who they are.

Embrace These Five Life-Giving Patterns

I am convinced we can become more like Christ and influence the next generation, but in order to do so, we must first receive and embrace five life-giving patterns that are found in Psalm 119:73–80:

Your hands made me and formed me;

give me understanding to learn your commands.

May those who fear you rejoice when they see me,

for I have put my hope in your word.

I know, O LORD, that your laws are righteous,

and in faithfulness you have afflicted me.

May your unfailing love be my comfort,

according to your promise to your servant.

Let your compassion come to me that I may live,

for your law is my delight.

May the arrogant be put to shame for wronging me without cause;

but I will meditate on your precepts.

May those who fear you turn to me,

those who understand your statutes.

May my heart be blameless toward your decrees,

that I may not be put to shame.6

The five patterns are as follows: learning to deal with suffering, giving healing comfort, acting with understanding, knowing full forgiveness, and relating with compassion. Like a solitary diamond flanked by five smaller ones on a ring, God’s steadfast love is set in the center of these patterns. Can we practice them until they become the very fabric of our being? I think we can, as long as we accept that we won’t be perfect. I’m so thankful I said yes to this journey, as the patterns have not only transformed my relationships but also healed my heart in the process.

Jesus personified these patterns that day when he washed his disciples’ feet. When we live out these patterns, we, as he did, will make relationships a priority. Will you join me in seeking to become a safe haven so that we can be an extension of the church for this next generation?

Jesus was able to sit at a table with both his beloved and his betrayer because he knew where he came from and where he was going. As the Son of God, he knew his purpose in suffering; he was determined to comfort the ones he loved and to show compassion to those who hurt. He understood that his disciples related to him and one another out of pride, which resulted in a competitive spirit, and he knew we would struggle with that too. Take some time and pay attention to the women around you. Don’t you sense that women are longing to stay connected and to have more satisfying relationships? I believe we can’t meet those needs in our flesh. We need these patterns to show our best love, the full extent of a divine love.