Chapter Eight
Conversations about Sex
Although it is true that having sex can turn a student away from worship, from faith, even from God—it also seems that these shifts can be reversed. Moreover, the shared campus culture at evangelical schools tends to keep sex and the soul in conversation.
Donna Freitas, Sex and the Soul
The evening begins with the sound of a doorbell at 9:00 p.m. in a Seattle home. A young couple walks through the door for a personal conversation that they’ve never had with anyone else. The hosts, Kate and Kyle, offer them something to drink, making them feel at home. Light music plays in the background. The recently married couple have come for help regarding an issue that would impact their marriage. The couples face each other on comfortable chairs as the young man speaks, “The other night I told Sarah I’ve struggled with looking at porn for six years. When I was thirteen, I used porn when I was stressed. Now I don’t know if I can stop.”
Sarah hangs her head as her husband admits his addiction. When she speaks, it is to confess that she has doubts about whether she is pretty enough to make him stop. She asks, “As we keep having sex, will his need for porn change? Will I ever be enough? I even had him show it to me and now I’m furious.”
Kate understands that Sarah is thinking, Our sex and love are dirty and tainted; this means I am too. Kate says, “Sarah, I want you to know that this isn’t about you fulfilling Joel’s broken desires. When Kyle first told me he looked at porn, I thought it was because I lacked something. But then a wise woman helped me to realize it wasn’t about me, that it was about sexual addiction. I decided to make this journey of Kyle’s healing and our marriage a lifelong commitment. Kyle isn’t addicted to porn anymore, but he does have his occasional setbacks. He has learned to be honest with me about when he is feeling tempted and also when he looks at a movie or website he shouldn’t. He’s asked me and a group of friends to hold him accountable.”
Kate and Kyle lead small group discussions with engaged and married couples who are struggling with sexual issues, especially pornography. Kate and Kyle are helping hundreds of couples work through this issue together by teaching them to recognize the problem and to communicate openly with each other about their desires to be whole in their sexuality.
I’ve stopped being shocked by the number of men who use pornography and by their stories of how young they were when it entered their hearts. After all, pornography is easily accessed on the Internet. Gone are the days of brown-paper-covered magazines secretly mailed to viewers once a month. While sexually explicit computer images of naked women arouse and entrap our men, sex scenes in the form of entertaining literature are capturing the minds and hearts of our women.
Fifty Shades of Grey, a 2011 erotic romance novel by British author E. L. James, has topped bestseller lists around the world, including the United States, and produced two sequels. Notable for its explicitly erotic scenes featuring bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism, the series has sold more than one hundred million copies worldwide and been translated into fifty-two languages, setting the record for the fastest-selling paperback of all time.
I find it disturbing that many women, including Christian women, claim that these books have improved their sex lives. I can guarantee none of us would want the young women we know to be sexually involved with Fifty’s main character, Christian Grey. But I wouldn’t want the young women I know to be ignorant of the problems that come when men have an addiction to pornography, either.
It’s a Different World
We are in the midst of another sexual shift in society, and many Christians are following the culture right on cue. Rather than rethinking what the role of sex should be in their lives, many believers are accepting the world’s standards and mimicking the sexual practices of their peers and what’s portrayed in media.
Let me ask you: How should the church respond to the obsession of sex in our culture? I believe that if we don’t want to let E. L. James have the most influence over how young women view sex, then it is critical that those of us who are married begin having explicit conversations about sex with younger Christian women. We don’t do them any favors when we ignore these matters and fail to talk with them about their questions and concerns or about what is happening in the culture at large. We are doing them a great disservice when we don’t gently and firmly tell them the truth about sexual intimacy and related issues.
I want to persuade you to find the courage to start talking openly with the women around you about sexual issues they may encounter and to communicate truth to them. If you are willing to be that person, then keep reading.
Attitudes and views about sex have shifted in our society; even if we don’t agree with the changes, we must know the sexual realities in which our young women live. They are engaging in behaviors without examining them through the lens of Scripture, including living together without a commitment, embracing the gay lifestyle, viewing porn, and engaging in casual sex. On the opposite end of the cultural spectrum is the emphasis in some Christian circles on purity rings. While this idea may sound Christian, it has no grounding in Scripture. We cannot have discussions about such things apart from what Scripture teaches; however, we cannot have these discussions apart from culture, either. I want your voice to be so powerful in the lives of the young women that the voices of culture are not the only ones calling out for vulnerability. Tell women with your words and actions that they have a friend in you, that you love and care for them very much, and that it is safe for them to share with you their “deepest, darkest, sickest parts.”1
Problematic Messages
In talking with young women, I’ve identified several messages they have been receiving that are contributing to the problems some are having in the areas of sex and sexuality.
A Nun before Marriage, a Sex Goddess during Marriage
Some Christians send young women a message that says they should abstain from sex and its dangerous, mysterious power until marriage, but then, after getting married, they are to become sexual goddesses and to love everything about sex twenty-four-seven. This idea is even more entrenched in the hearts of young women who have taken part in the “purity ring–wait until marriage” vows that have become popular with some Christian families and youth movements around the country.
We need to tell young women that sex is a beautiful and fun experience but that it’s best to wait for marriage. Further, we need to open up in our conversations about the actual act of sex, how it works, and why it might be painful. Young women need to know these things before they get married. We need to explain that good sex rarely happens the first time two virgins are on a honeymoon. And that’s okay.
Tori came back from her honeymoon livid. Chastity, purity, “wait until marriage” messages had been preached to her all her life. She was raised in a Christian home where most topics were discussed openly—except the topic of sex. After graduating from a public school, Tori attended a Christian university where she attended chapel services a few times a week. When the chapel speakers did mention sex, it was always in the context of saving sex for marriage.
The months leading up to their wedding day were stressful yet exciting. It was getting more difficult to remain “pure” the closer she and Clay grew in their relationship. Tori knew the facts about the birds and the bees, but no one had ever sat down with her and talked with her about what to expect when making love with her husband for the first time. But she wasn’t worried about her lack of knowledge. She reasoned that since she had such a strong desire for sex, she and Clay could figure it out. They both wanted to wait to make their first sexual experience special, romantic, and right before God. That commitment, she reasoned, deserved God’s blessing.
On her honeymoon, Tori had a panic attack because her first sexual intimate encounter with Clay was a disaster. The two of them stumbled around, awkwardly taking their clothes off, and when she and Clay tried to have sex, neither was physically ready and it was deeply frustrating and embarrassing for both of them. Tori wondered, Was it this awkward for everyone the first time they made love—or just for me and Clay? Every night of their honeymoon was a repeat performance of the first night. This was heartbreaking for both of them. They both felt like failures.
While the idea of saving sex for marriage is good, it is not enough simply to teach abstinence. It’s not enough to preach to our young women, “Don’t have sex until you’re married.” Tori needed to be told something like this: “You might not like sex the first few times; it can be awkward and you could feel like your husband is being selfish. You might not experience an orgasm right away. Do you know what that is? Sex is about giving pleasure and it takes time to figure out what someone wants. I’m in full support of saving sex until marriage, but I want you to know you can ask me anything you want to know!”
A Free-for-All Sexual Lifestyle Is Healthy and Normal
Another troublesome message says that a woman’s body is a sexual object and that the most important thing about a woman is that she is a sexual being. Television shows and movies portray sexual activity as the norm for not just young adults but even for high school students. In magazines and advertisements the female body is typically presented through a sex-gratifying lens. The message sent is that it is normal and healthy for single women to engage in a free-for-all sexual lifestyle and that they can do so without negative consequences. Media don’t show the percentages of young women who have sexually transmitted diseases, unplanned pregnancies, shattered hearts, and sexual problems later on when they are married. How might the inner lives of our young women be transformed if media portrayed the reality that every time a woman has sex with someone, she gives a piece of her soul away?
Let me assure you: our young Christian women are absolutely influenced by this message. They claim, however, that even though they know having sexual intimacy outside of marriage is wrong, they do not know the reasons why it is wrong because they have never been told. Many feel that the Christian message about sex is not compelling enough to help them “endure” waiting until they get married. Sure, they want to please God, but they want to be convinced—lovingly, that is.
I met Shanna through a mutual friend and we instantly discovered our similar interest in good books. We got together several times over coffee and often swapped our latest reads. One time while we were dialoguing about a spiritual issue of a character in a book we had both read, Shanna, who is not married, confessed to me how she desperately wanted to be close to God but that she knew she’d done something wrong. Surprised by the turn of conversation, I listened more carefully and asked her what she thought she had done wrong.
Ranking it as the “worst” sin, she told me she had had sex with a guy because she had been tired of waiting and just wanted to be close to someone. “I wasn’t just trying to get some action; I was longing for intimacy, vulnerability, to feel loved.” I asked her if she was still with this guy and she said, “No. I never wanted to marry him. I just wanted to be close to him.” I asked her if she was feeling lonely and without friends. Shanna shook her head and said, “Yes and no. I have women friends and I feel close to my mom and grandmother. But they live thousands of miles away. I just didn’t think having sex would be a big deal—it happens all the time in movies! But no one prepared me for the heartache.” Shanna explained that she felt like pieces of her were given away every time she had sex.
Instead of just hoping and praying that the young women in our lives will wait until marriage to have sex, we need to get over our discomfort so that we can have frank conversations with them about their questions and their sexual experiences and the pressures they may be experiencing. They need and want women to help them with their second-guessing and guilt when it comes to sexual issues, intimacy, and identity.
Both Tori and Shanna are missing important pieces of what God has to say about sex. Somehow you and I must communicate these truths, in a spirit of love, when talking with younger women about sex and sexuality. We need to help women understand God’s ways when it comes to our sexuality so they can make good decisions and, more important, know why they are making those decisions.
What We Say and Teach about Sex
Let me be clear: I’m not asking you to initiate conversations about sexual issues and relationships. However, the more time you spend with a young woman, the more comfortable she will feel in sharing her deeper thoughts, feelings, and concerns about sex. If she feels safe with you, she won’t hold back, and she won’t want you to hold back from her, either. She will start the conversation as she feels closer to you. But keep in mind that she may feel a lot of shame around her sexual identity. Focus on Christ’s identity in her and her identity in Christ so he can transform the shame to freedom and joy.
That being said, here are some key truths about sex that young women need to know.
Why Abstinence before Marriage Is Important
1. The Bible confines sex to marriage. When talking with women about sex, I take care to communicate that married sex can be a good, spiritual experience. According to Scripture, God wants us to experience this spiritual union with one person; that’s his preference.2 Because the enemy has deceived an entire generation into thinking that casual sex does not impact our closeness with God or with others, it’s our responsibility to say something about it. Young people need to know that it’s sin when we are sexually intimate with people who are not our spouses. We say these things in the context of a loving conversation.
2. Sex affects our hearts. Having sex with other people affects more than our physical bodies; sex touches our inward selves. Because the heart is deceitful above all else, sin can turn sex into an idol. Sexual intimacy is something we do and experience wholeheartedly; it requires all of our being. Unless sex is for giving of one’s self, it becomes very distorted, and sexual sin affects our hearts differently than other sins do.3
3. Sex unites two people. When two people have sex, they become one with each other. If I understand Scripture rightly—I’m a journalist, not a Bible scholar—then every person’s deepest desire is to be one with someone.4 We crave union. What does that mean? It means that sex is a uniting experience that we long for and is somehow a taste of eternity. We will know this oneness every moment we are in Jesus’s presence in heaven. The longings we have for sex, even our corrupted longings, stem from this God-created desire to be one with another person.
This begs the question: Why would we want to give ourselves over to a unifying experience with someone if we are not one in every other area of life? That’s a good question to ask our younger friends when they are torn between their sexual desires and their need for commitment.
Sex Is Not Dirty
Young women also need to understand that sexual desire is not a sin, nor is hot married sex. A lot of Christian women think that sexual desire is a bad thing. It’s our responsibility to help them navigate their shameful feelings so they don’t believe this lie. They need to know that sex is good and even spiritual. When I talk about marital sex with the younger women in my life, I speak to them as if they were my own daughters. I would never want my daughters to hear me portray sex as anything other than beautiful, fun, freeing, and with my own husband.
I smiled when Emily, a married woman in her midthirties, said she just didn’t feel sexy anymore and wondered what she could do to spice things up a bit when making love to her husband.
“Initiate more sex,” I said.
Emily blushed and said, “How do I do that?”
I did with Emily what I will do with my daughters when they are ready: I drove her to Victoria’s Secret and we laughed for two hours in the dressing rooms. She tells me things are heating up a bit more in her bedroom.
Sex Can Be Disciplined
It is possible to control our sexual desires when certain support systems are in place. In our sex-saturated culture, it’s important to find like-minded individuals or couples who believe sex doesn’t control us. Whether we are single or married, if we struggle with the guidelines Scripture teaches, then we need community to help us stay committed. I know several women who meet regularly with younger women for the sole purpose of accountability in sexual activity. The older women tell me it’s not easy to hear, but they know their presence is helping the young women reach their goals.
Identity Is Not Connected to Purity or Holiness
Our most powerful identity is our identity in Christ5—that’s what our message should be. A woman’s sexual purity, sexual impurities, or sexual orientation (if she says she’s lesbian or straight or bi or transgender) is not her number one identity. A disconnect happens for young women when the church talks about a woman’s sexuality as her identity. This happens as Christians encourage sexual purity but leave out crucial information. When we make the main message that a woman should guard her purity, if she then she loses it, she often identifies herself as less valuable. What about girls and young women who have been sexually abused or are already having sex? Once something happens to them sexually, they now identify themselves as unholy and impure. They see themselves as unclean.
We also misplace a woman’s identity when we focus too much on her outward appearance and the way she dresses because we assume she’s sexually active or wants to be.
Pay attention to what you are saying. The goal is to focus on Jesus Christ as our true identity. Any other identity shuts women off because they know they will never be good enough, never dress quite right, never attract the right kind of attention. In Jesus Christ they will find wholeness and healing—and our most powerful identity is to see ourselves in him.
What to Expect That First Night
If a young woman has abstained from sex until marriage, she needs to have realistic expectations of the first night. Many young women expect they will be having sex all night long on their honeymoon. After all, some songs actually say that’s what’s happening! In reality, the groom often ejaculates before they even have sex. This happens because he has not trained his body to hold back. A virgin may not enjoy lovemaking initially because she isn’t able to have an orgasm and doesn’t understand the mechanics for how to achieve sexual climax. You might not need to say it that bluntly—you don’t want to make her afraid of her first night! It’s best to use discernment as you share this information. But for many well-educated young women, they want to know the reality of what to expect.
Be prepared to tell young women that with good communication, monogamous sex gets better over time.
Sexual Concerns That May Come Up in Conversation
What might you expect to hear if a young woman brings up the topic of sexual problems? Here is a sampling of the kinds of issues you might encounter, how they usually make young women feel, and what is important for you to communicate in your conversations about these problems.
Pornography
When a young woman discovers her boyfriend or husband is using porn, she immediately feels as though she is not enough. What she needs to hear from you is that using porn is not good for a healthy relationship and that the addiction has nothing to do with her. Encourage her to get a pastor involved with her boyfriend or husband so he can receive some counseling. Help her to see she doesn’t have to end the relationship but she cannot keep secrets about the porn. Connecting to a community (like the one described in the beginning of this chapter) and getting help are key.
Sex without Commitment
If a young, unmarried woman tells you she is having sex, she’s likely having it a couple of times a week. Because she knows the Bible says sex outside of marriage is wrong, she feels like a failure. She also feels isolated and alone because her shame keeps her from talking to anyone else about what she is doing. On the other hand, she likes having sex and says it makes her feel closer to her partner. She may tell you she feels addicted to the sex because even though she wants to stop having it, she can’t seem to stop herself.
So what does she need from you? A woman who is having sex without commitment needs someone to listen to her and to tell her she’s not tainted. Be prepared to remind her of her identity, who she is in God’s eyes: worthy.6 Talk about who God calls her to be—his beloved, his daughter7—within that first conversation. Wait until the second or third conversation to mention how sex is meant for marriage. She already knows that or she wouldn’t be talking about it with you. She’s brought it up because she feels safe and trusts you won’t add to her shame.
Masturbation
Normally, people don’t talk about masturbation. I’m not comfortable talking about it, but if I can write about it, I’m confident you can talk about it in conversation. Here’s what you need to know:8
When a young woman shares with you that she is masturbating, strongly encourage her to seek out community where she can be open about this. She needs to hear that God created a woman’s body with a part that gives her pleasure—that it’s a gift. She should use that gift in ways that honor God.
Painful Sex
Married women struggle with solutions when sex physically hurts. When that keeps happening, the guy feels like a failure and the woman knows she cannot please him. When a woman doesn’t like sex because of the pain, she tenses up beforehand and endures the sex. The pre-sex tension, the painful sex, and the awkward silences after sex start a vicious cycle, and many couples don’t know how to stop it. Many avoid intimate conversations about their sexual struggles. When they do talk about the problem, neither is comfortable airing their insecurities. These women feel caught and need someone to talk to about this concern.
When a friend’s daughter-in-law was struggling with painful sex, she tried to talk to her mother about the problem. Her mother replied, “Well, your father and I …” and then went on to talk about their sexual relationship. Bad idea. Being open about sexual intimacy doesn’t mean we talk about what we did last night like we’re rattling off the events of the day. It’s never appropriate to describe your sexual relationship to someone, unless it is a doctor or professional counselor who is trying to help you with a problem. Fortunately, this young woman was able to talk with my friend about the problem, and my friend gently listened and offered to go along to the doctor with her.
My friend did the right thing. If a young woman tells you that she experiences pain when she has sex, encourage her to first see a doctor. The problem may be something physical, such as the presence of the hymen, and a doctor can help. Doctors can be impersonal, blunt, and direct, making them excellent resources when it comes to questions about sex and sexual problems. A good doctor makes the issue about the body and not the person.
Questions about Sexual Terms, Positions, and Related Topics
Despite the seeming openness in our culture when it comes to all things sexual, a surprising number of young women I’ve met are ignorant of the meaning of certain sexual terms. They often ask me: What is oral sex? What’s an orgasm? A clitoris? Why is it sensitive? What does “69” mean? They also have questions about the act itself: Is the girl or the guy supposed to be on top when you have sex? Are other positions normal? Are sex toys wrong?
It’s not easy for women to be open with us about such things. It’s an honor when they are. Our job is to be prepared for their questions and to have matter-of-fact answers.
Homosexuality
No matter your view on homosexuality or how you interpret Scripture on this matter, you need to know that a percentage of our population is attracted to the same sex. Now more than ever, girls are wondering, Am I gay? They think, I haven’t had a boyfriend. I’m twenty-eight. I think about girls sometimes. Am I a lesbian? A Christian woman who is gay may feel depressed because she’s most likely hidden her homosexuality from her parents or others for a long time. She also battles confusion because the church has not helped her walk this road.
As with most sexual issues, homosexuality comes back to identity. Who am I? Am I loved? Am I enough? She has a desire to be wanted.9 Our society says that the more wanted you are, the more valued you are. A young woman struggling with this issue needs to know that the answer to her question “Who am I?” is this: she is beloved by God, a daughter of the King, spiritually formed in Jesus Christ, who is renewing her day by day. You need to tell her this under no uncertain terms. She needs more than just you telling her that she is enough. She needs a community of believers who will help ease the pain of her loneliness so her identity in Christ will be the message she receives.
The Christian community often doesn’t know what to do with people who are gay and sends them rejecting messages. If a young woman tells you she is gay—or that she wonders if she is gay—she will be watching to see if you accept or reject her and if you feel awkward around her. If you choose to be gracious, to build a friendship, and to share your life with her, you can help her realize her identity in Christ. Face your fears and sacrifice your agenda of trying to change someone.
Conversations That Restore
I know the idea of having frank conversations about some of these issues may seem daunting, and you may wonder what difference you can make. Let me tell you a story, a confession really, that might help you understand the importance of getting to the place where a young woman is willing to be vulnerable with you.
The sun was just coming up over the Atlantic Ocean when my friend Steph slipped next to me on the bench facing east toward the waves in Ocean City. We were both seventeen years old. “What’s going on, Pam? You look pretty bad.” I glanced over at the girl who had been my closest friend since grade school and realized she looked just as wiped out as I felt. After searching my feelings so I could put them into words, I started to cry when I spoke.
“I’m done, Steph.”
“I think I know what you mean, but what are you done with?”
Like the ocean’s waves moments before breaking on the shoreline, the insecurities and loneliness that fed my need for a guy’s attention swelled up inside and my heart broke open. “I still feel alone, and I’m tired of pretending that hooking up with a guy for one night or for a week will ease these feelings. Even though we’re not technically having sex, being that close to a guy doesn’t numb the pain.”
“I feel the same way, but how in the world can we ever change? What if we feel alone the rest of our lives?”
As the wind picked up speed off the ocean, blowing my hair across my face, it forced me to smell the mixture of alcohol and smoke. Dark shame, deep guilt, and the sheer feeling of irresponsibility came over me as I confessed, “I need you to see me as the person I want to become. I cannot make this change on my own. I’m a mess and ready to do what I know I’m supposed to do. I just don’t feel like I can ever please God. Will you do this with me?”
Steph lowered her head into her hands, took a deep breath, then sat up straight. “I’m so ready, my friend, and I’m with you all the way with this. I’m committed to you. Pam, I want you to hear me. I’m committed to you forever.”
Reaching down to pick up our sandals off the boardwalk, we stood up and looked at each other’s messy lives and laughed. We put our arms around each other and walked to the car. With our sand-covered feet, empty stomachs, and an Outfield cassette tape playing in the background, we drove west toward home. I knew I’d just experienced my first step toward change, healing maybe. I couldn’t put it into words then, but looking back over all these years, what Steph and I did was monumental: we held each other accountable.
Her willingness to go with me, not just in that moment, but also into the next day and the day after that, gave me a safe place to say the truth of who I truly was (sexually broken) and also who I wanted to become. She saw the deepest, darkest, sickest part of me and still loved me. We both knew that following Jesus required us to pursue purity, but we also knew we wanted to follow him out of love—not out of legalism and fear. Steph’s ability to love me from her heart propelled me to go higher, further, away from shame to an identity of being renewed by Christ every day.
I’m hoping you will be able to have similar kinds of conversations with the women in your life. Are you willing?
Pay attention for those moments when a young woman is full with questions, confusion, or confession. Those moments are God-given opportunities for you to speak gracious truth from your heart, from a place of love. (For resources and more information about the topics covered in this chapter please refer to my website, www.pamelalau.com.)