CHAPTER TEN
Becoming a Super Dad
A quick guide to your partner’s nutrition and well-being, from preconception to postpartum
We could go on and on about how a partner can support his lady, what he might be experiencing, as well as share endless stories that would make you laugh, cry, and wake up to the reality of being pregnant and having a baby as a couple. This in itself could be its own book (and probably is). Instead, we decided to keep it short and sweet and simply focus on some common things a man goes through when becoming a daddy. Because, let’s be honest, with all you are going through, his process might have slipped your mind entirely.
We also want to honor those mamas who have chosen to have a child without a partner, or whose partner has chosen to not be present. Some of this chapter’s content still applies. In these cases, your chosen village is vital. Your village (family members and friends) will walk with you through your journey, providing your vital support and encouragement.
SO, WHAT ABOUT DAD?
How many women have heard the following from their partners? “I’m just the donor, my body doesn’t matter.” Or, “Don’t eat that while you’re carrying my baby!” Or, “Sweet, I have nine months with a built-in designated driver.”
We do not agree with any of these sentiments. We believe the partner’s role begins well before the seed is sown and continues until… well, it never ends. Your partner’s attitude and approach plays a significant part in your experience of pregnancy, but we have discovered many misconceptions about his role, especially during preconception. We have discovered that when you get dad on board from the beginning, he will likely be more of a team player throughout the entire process.
We now know that preconception detoxing isn’t just beneficial for the mother-to-be. It is essential for both partners to take part in preconception preparations, because fertility issues don’t just affect women. In fact, almost 50 percent of infertility cases are caused by the sperm.1
But our recommendations extend beyond successful conception, providing touchstones and building blocks for a healthier pregnancy and a stronger family unit. This is a chance for the two of you to bond, conceive, and connect through maintaining common goals. With a shared vision of the end result, all your decisions will be easier to make because you both will be working toward that shared goal: a healthy and happy pregnancy and baby.
But we understand that our nutritional recommendations for you might make you worry. “What if my partner thinks things like kale and cod liver oil are only for the commune-living hippie folks?” If you are concerned about getting his nutritional buy-in, try this simple and direct approach: Tell him super sperm equals a super baby. What man doesn’t want a super baby? Even if he acts nonchalant, deep down he can’t help but long for comic book–hero powers for his son or daughter. Of course, your baby won’t fly or see through walls because your husband traded in his Doritos for kale chips before conception, but he or she has a significantly greater chance of developing a stronger immune and nervous system, superior organ function, and avoiding emotional issues such as anxiety and depression.2 Why not give your baby the best chance of being the healthiest human he or she can be? It is hard for even the most set-in-his-ways partner to deny this logic.
Willow’s husband was told at their 17-week appointment that their baby’s heartbeat was very loud, and the midwife mentioned that it was rare to hear it so early on with a fetoscope. Willow could see the pride in her husband’s widening gaze—he was convinced that meant they were brewing a super baby. He continued to ask their midwife about the heart rate and what it meant, likely in hopes of hearing that the baby would be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Dads want super kids.
Certain essential nutrients have been proven to produce super sperm, so supplementation, diet, and lifestyle choices matter for dad as much as they do for you. Sperm develop about 72 days before they are released and used. So if you’re trying to have a baby, this means your man should start thinking about proper nutrition and supplementation about two and a half months before you plan to conceive. Even more importantly, he should try to consciously maintain a low-stress lifestyle during this time.
Research also suggests that having a diet deficient in folate could increase the chance of birth defects.3 This deficiency changed the DNA in mice and these mice passed down the genetic changes to their offspring. So again, swap a green drink for that soft drink, Dad.
We have included meal planning tips and transition meals for the “I only eat meat and potatoes” guy in our recipe chapter (here) as well as a Super Sperm Smoothie recipe here. If you aren’t sure how you’re going to get your partner on board, you can always try these easy upgrades:
• Doritos or chips: Try organic corn chips or potato chips cooked in coconut oil or avocado oil, like Boulder Canyon or Jackson Honest Chips.
• Chocolate candy bars: Switch for dark chocolate and coconut butter.
• Candy: Replace with organic dried fruit.
• Ice cream: Make your own yogurt Popsicles.
• Beer: Try gluten-free beer.
• White sugar: Replace with coconut sugar or honey.
• Coffee creamer: Switch out for coconut creamer.
PRECONCEPTION: NUTRITION FOR THE DAD-TO-BE
We love this chart from Nina White of Fertile Roots Nutrition in San Diego about what nutrients are directly related to the health and vitality of a man’s sperm.4
Essential Nutrients for Healthy Sperm
NUTRIENT: Vitamin C
FUNCTION: Inhibits DNA damage in sperm
FOOD SOURCES: Red peppers, guava, green leafy vegetables, broccoli
NUTRIENT: Zinc
FUNCTION: The body cannot make sperm without it.
FOOD SOURCES: Oysters, pumpkin seeds, gingerroot, legumes. We suggest a liquid supplement like Premier Research Labs in addition to these foods. Tip: Zinc should taste incredibly metallic if you are deficient and like water or only slightly dry and bitter if you aren’t.
NUTRIENT: Folate
FUNCTION: Works with zinc to help create sperm DNA molecules
FOOD SOURCES: Brewer’s yeast, legumes, liver, green leafy vegetables. We recommend the active methylated form. Thorne, Ortho Molecular, or Pure Encapsulations are top-notch recommendations.
NUTRIENT: Selenium
FUNCTION: Required to make the mid-section of sperm where its energy is generated (and also helps manufacture thyroid hormones)
FOOD SOURCES: Brazil nuts, tuna, liver, Swiss chard, oats, brown rice
NUTRIENT: Vitamin E
FUNCTION: Known as the reproduction vitamin. Enough said.
FOOD SOURCES: Nuts, seeds, gluten-free whole grains, spinach, avocado
NUTRIENT: Vitamin A
FUNCTION: Conditions the lining of the cells that become sperm
FOOD SOURCES: Whole raw milk, pasture-raised egg yolks, cod liver oil, pastured animal meat, grass-fed butter, ghee, organic raw cheese
NUTRIENT: B vitamins
FUNCTION: Help decrease oxidative stress on the body
FOOD SOURCES: Brewer’s yeast, nuts, seeds, gluten-free whole grains, liver. And if you’d rather supplement to be on the safe side, use methylated, bioavailable forms. Brands we recommend for B complex are the same ones we recommend for folate.
NUTRIENT: Essential fatty acids
FUNCTION: Necessary for reproduction, and strengthens sperm during fertilization
FOOD SOURCES: Flaxseed, salmon, halibut, sardines, chia seeds, cod liver oil
NUTRIENT: Superfood Boost
FUNCTION: Known to increase sperm count, sperm motility, and semen volume
FOOD SOURCES: Maca. Use maca powder in your smoothie instead of taking as a supplement. We recommend RevolutionPRO, a black variety.
Lose the Stress
It’s a good idea for dad to actively reduce his stress as much as possible during preconception for a couple of reasons. First, stress can reduce sperm count, and also make it more difficult for him to get and stay in the mood. Second, recent research has shown that sperm may play a larger role in the behavioral development of your baby than previously thought.5 The 2014 study, published in Nature Neuroscience, discovered that the sperm of anxious males produced anxious offspring, with zero environmental influences—just straight-up biology. Yet another reminder that stress serves no one and that you should both schedule that massage.
FIRST TRIMESTER: DAD SAVES THE DAY
Even though you aren’t visibly changed, there are lots of things going on with you, and getting dad on board and helping out is important in the first trimester.
One way for dad to help is to start listening to your needs. Let him know the foods or drinks you are craving and feel like you can’t live without. We knew a first trimester mom who declared, “Do not come home without watermelon!” It wasn’t watermelon season, but her sweet man found prepackaged watermelon, her intense craving was satisfied, and the whole house felt happier. At least until the next craving kicked in.
When the dad isn’t in the picture, it might be tricky to recruit people to help you during these times (mostly because you probably don’t live together), but just because you’re alone doesn’t mean you need to go through this alone. Ask a couple of village members if they would be willing to check in with you on a regular basis to see if you need anything. It can be really difficult for most self-sufficient women to ask for this, but the relief of that extra support should not be underestimated. Just ask—people who love you want to help you. Be willing to receive. It will do wonders for your entire outlook and enable you to feel supported.
We have all heard the phrase “Men are visual.” This usually is in relation to their desire for a little eye candy, but it is also applicable to other situations. For example, it can help them gain empathy and understanding for you during early pregnancy.
During your first trimester, your partner can’t feel the baby, can’t see it growing in your belly, and may forget that you aren’t the same as a few weeks ago. After all, you don’t look any different. Sometimes simply allowing him to see the real effects of pregnancy can remind him that a lot is happening in your body right now. Telling him that you are going to the bathroom to throw up, or lying down to wait out a particularly horrible wave of nausea are visual reminders that might resonate.
It’s always important to be sure you’re both on the same page, so regularly schedule time to sit down for heart-to-heart conversations about what you’re feeling and how you would like him to support you. This is also an excellent time for him to voice his feelings about the changes in you and your family.
While being pregnant lets you get away with a lot of things (avoiding heavy lifting, having a shorter fuse, hunger-induced craziness, wearing stretchy pants every day, and bailing on obligatory, but not necessarily fun social events), it should never be a reason to justify being unkind to your partner. Have patience with your man and surely he will have some for you. Remember that you are in this together—the greatest creation of your lives.
SECOND TRIMESTER: FROM NIGHTS OUT TO NIGHTS IN
This is an important time for you and your partner. You are starting to get attention because your belly curve is starting to show, and you are most likely thinking about the baby, her nursery, the registry, her name. All of these things can mean fewer thoughts about your partner. Remember that he is experiencing something, too, and is seeing his wife turn into a mother right before his eyes. This transition, although wanted, loved, and longed for, can still be hard for some men.
Finding ways to maintain the relationship between the two of you helps strengthen your close bond. Develop your own ways to share the experience so that he doesn’t feel left out. More date nights, more lingerie, more fun, adventurous things that the two of you love to do together.
Did we mention sex yet? Have a lot of it. Seriously. You know he’ll be more than happy to oblige, it’s a great way to connect with each other, and, remember, it’s a wonderful way to ready your body for labor and delivery.
THIRD TRIMESTER: BECOMING A DAD
Believe it or not, you and your partner really started acting like parents about six months ago when you began making decisions about this new life, changing the way you eat, setting up a nursery, and thinking in terms of a family rather than just a couple. As the big day approaches, however, excitement may turn to stress for your partner. He may communicate this stress to you, but more often than not, we find that many men simply shut down or clam up. This can leave you feeling confused and maybe even a little alone. His silence typically doesn’t mean he isn’t feeling the onslaught of emotions just like you, or that he’s not excited. Men often become silent and turn inward to help themselves process new concerns, ideas, and situations.
Finances and the reality of less free time are frequent subjects of male contemplation. Trying to figure out realistic expectations of life without sleep, a colicky baby, and other unknowns likely occupies a lot of his mental space right now. For all of these reasons and more, it is important to honor your partner’s experience. Since he is not the physical carrier of this beautiful soul, his experience often goes unnoticed or even dismissed. Make a concerted effort to walk a mile in his shoes and cultivate compassion. He deserves and needs support, love, and recognition for all that he does and will continue to do as a dad. Keep making time to connect through special moments shared between just the two of you.
A Man’s Gotta Sleep, Too
Belly beauty may not translate to beauty sleep. If you are like many pregnant women, nighttime requires an army of pillows, multiple bathroom runs, and endless tossing and turning to try to find a comfortable position.
There are usually two ways women look at this in relation to their partner. One: He should suffer with me because he, too, will be getting less sleep when baby arrives. Or two: He should get as much rest as possible now so he keeps up his energy for work and helping me during waking hours.
We recommend the latter.
Think of it this way: You want him in top form so he can bring his A-game to helping you. If he’s falling asleep when you need extra support, the whole team loses. Consider having him sleep in a guest room or on another mattress in the bedroom as reasonable options for both of you. Not only can he get quality sleep, but you can stretch out and move around as much as you need to get comfortable. Bottom line: Do what you have to do to make sure you are both getting rest and feeling comfortable.
POSTPARTUM: PATERNITY LEAVE AND MORE
Hopefully your partner has some time off from work to adjust to this new life and to gaze upon the beauty and magic of his newborn. Paternity leave is also a juggling act of nightly feedings, changing diapers, cleaning spit-up, and doing his best to avoid the neurosis that comes with first-time parenting. Is this normal? Is the baby okay? Should I call the doctor? (Remember, we recommend that you avoid consulting Google for every concern, because search results typically deliver rare diseases, cancer, or syndromes that ratchet up your fear to crazy-making levels. Step away from the computer. Call your pediatrician with concerns instead.)
FINAL THOUGHTS
Every part of this experience is both exhausting and rewarding. For some new dads, the connection with baby comes slowly. Have patience and create regular time for him to hold the baby and participate in caretaking. Also, your partner’s diet, supplementation, and lifestyle choices will determine his energy and availability to be present and participate fully and this is when the meal train is such a godsend (see here). By all means, ask friends and family to help, jump aboard, and relish the extra time to enjoy your babymoon together. Marveling over the baby you both created will be a memory he’ll keep forever in his heart.