RENEWAL LAB

TAKE A SELF-COMPASSION BREAK

Whenever you run into a situation that is difficult or stressful, try taking a self-compassion break. Kristin Neff, a psychologist at the University of Texas at Austin, has conducted extensive research on self compassion. Her early trials suggest that practicing self compassion can reduce rumination and avoidance, and increase optimism and mindfulness.39 Here is a modified description of how to do it:40

Instructions: Recall a situation in your life that is bothering you, such as a health issue, a relationship conflict, or perhaps a work problem.

1. Say whatever word or expression that feels true to your situation:

“This is painful.” “This is stressful.” “This is really hard right now.”

2. Acknowledge the reality of suffering: “Suffering is a part of life.” Say something that reminds you of our common humanity and that this pain is not unique to you: “I’m not alone.” “Everyone feels this way sometimes.” “We all struggle in our lives.” “This is part of being human.”

3. Put your hands over your heart, or any other place that feels soothing and comforting, perhaps your belly or gently over your eyes. Take a deep breath, and say to yourself, “May I be kind to myself.”

You can use a different statement that reflects your needs in the moment, including any of the following:

I accept myself as I am, a work in progress.

May I learn to accept myself as I am.

May I forgive myself.

May I be strong.

I will be as kind to myself as possible.

The first few times you take a self-compassion break, you may feel awkward, you may feel only a slight relief of pain. Keep at it anyway. When you feel pain, acknowledge it; remind yourself that you are not alone in your suffering; and put your hand on your heart, with kindness. Eventually, you will become proficient at giving yourself compassion, and you will find that these minibreaks restore your resilient thinking.

MANAGE YOUR EAGER ASSISTANT

Most of us have been told at one time or another to beware the internal critic, that inner voice that whispers dark words into your psyche, telling you that you’re not good enough, that everyone is against you, that you’re thinking the wrong way. But that’s counterproductive. The inner critic is part of you; get angry at it, and you’re getting angry at yourself. Ultimately, you’re just getting trapped in more negative thought patterns and causing yourself more discomfort.

Instead of fighting the critic, or trying to banish the critic, try accepting the critic. You can do this by thinking of the internal voice in friendlier terms. Darrah Westrup is a clinical psychologist and the author of several books about ACT, a therapy that’s based on accepting life—and your mind—as it is. She suggests that you think of that voice in your head as an eager assistant. Your eager assistant isn’t evil or cruel. You don’t need to fire her or scold her or send her to the basement filing room. Your eager assistant is like a bright-eyed young intern, one who desperately wants to prove her worth by providing you with a steady stream of well-intentioned but often misguided advice.

It’s unlikely you will ever get the eager assistant to stop offering a barrage of suggestions and comments about what you are doing, could have done better, or should do in the future. But you can manage your eager assistant. Be aware of her. Understand that what she’s saying isn’t necessarily “truth.” Treat her in the same way you might manage an overly “helpful” young staff member at the office: Smile, nod, and tell yourself, “Oh, there goes my eager assistant again. She means well, but doesn’t know what she’s talking about here.” That way, you’re not in a battle with your own thoughts. By letting them be, they’ll have much less influence over you.

WHAT’S ON YOUR TOMBSTONE?

The study of meditators in the Colorado Rockies found that a strong purpose in life appears to increase telomerase. Mindfulness meditation can increase your sense of purpose, but so can other activities. The following exercise may sound a bit ghoulish, but it can be clarifying:

Instructions: Write down the epitaph you’d like to see on your tombstone, the few words that you’d like the world to remember you by. To get ideas flowing, first ask yourself, what are you deeply passionate about? Here are examples we’ve heard:

image “Devoted father and husband.”

image “Patron of the arts.”

image “A friend to everyone.”

image “Always learning, always growing.”

image “An inspiration to all.”

image “No one spread more love in one lifetime.”

image “We make a living by what we get but we make a life by what we give.”

image “If you don’t climb the mountain, you can’t view the plain.”

There’s not a lot of room on a tombstone! That’s the whole point of the exercise; it forces you to articulate the one or two principles that are the most important to you. After doing this exercise, some people realize that they’ve been distracted by things that aren’t all that important to them, and that it’s time to attend to the priorities at the top of their list. Other people begin the exercise believing that they have a somewhat humdrum existence—but when they write their epitaph, they realize, joyfully, that they have been living in accordance with their highest goals.

SEEKING STRESS? YES, POSITIVE STRESS!

Is there something in your life that makes you nervous or excited? Is daily life too filled with predictable routine and not enough novelty to stretch your problem-solving, creative, or socializing skills? Maybe you could add more “challenge stress” to enliven your day. Doing cognitive exercises like crossword puzzles may be a good thing for maintaining your mental sharpness,41 but they don’t do much for living with vitality and purpose. You might consider stepping outside the box of daily routine and adding a new activity that is meaningful, fulfilling, and… antiaging. And as we saw with the Experience Corps, positive stress may even improve brain aging.

To pursue a new dream, we may need to stretch and get out of our comfort zone. New situations may make us anxious, but if we avoid them, we are missing opportunities to grow and thrive. Positive stress for you may be doing something you’ve wanted to try but were apprehensive about.

Instructions: If you say yes to positive stress, close your eyes and think of what is at the top of your list. Take some time to think of something both exciting and feasible, a mini-adventure. Choose a small step toward that goal, something you can look into today. Bolster yourself with affirmations of your values and reappraisals to remind yourself that challenge stress is good stress.