| THE MEN | THE LADIES |
| Lord Smart | Lady Smart |
| Lord Sparkish | Miss Notable |
| Sir John Linger | Lady Answerall |
| Colonel Atwit | |
| Mr. Neverout |
[Lord Smart, and the former Company at Three a Clock, coming to dine.]
[After Salutations.]
Lord Sm. I’m sorry I was not at home this Morning, when you all did us the Honour to call here. But I went to the Levee To-Day.
Lord Sp. O, my Lord; I’m sure the Loss was ours.
Lady Sm. Gentlemen, and Ladies, you are come into a sad dirty House; I am sorry for it, but we have had our Hands in Mortar.1
Lord Sp. O, Madam, your Ladyship is pleased to say so, but I never saw any Thing so clean and so fine. I profess it is a perfect Paradise.
Lady Sm. My Lord, your Lordship is always very obliging.
Lord Sp. Pray, Madam, whose Picture is that?
Lady Sm. Why, my Lord, it was drawn for me.
Lord Sp. I’ll swear, the Painter did not flatter your Ladyship.
Col. My Lord, the Day is finely cleared up.
Lord Sm. Ay, Colonel, ’tis a Pity that fair Weather should ever do any harm. [to Neverout.] Why, Tom, you are high in the Mode.
Nev. My Lord, it is better to be out of the World, than out of the Fashion.
Lord Sm. But, Tom, I hear, you and Miss are always quarrelling: I fear, it is your Fault; for I can assure you, she is very good-humoured.
Nev. Ay, my Lord, so is the Devil when he’s pleas’d.
Lord Sm. Miss, what do you think of my Friend Tom?
Miss. My Lord, I think he is not the wisest Man in the World; and truly, he’s sometimes very rude.
Lord Sp. That may be true; but yet, he that hangs Tom for a Fool, may find a Knave in the Halter.2
Miss. Well, however, I wish he were hang’d, if it were only to try.3
Nev. Well, Miss, if I must be hanged, I won’t go far to chuse my Gallows: It shall be about your fair Neck.
Miss. I’ll see your Nose Cheese first, and the Dogs eating it.4 But, my Lord, Mr. Neverout’s Wit begins to run low, for I vow he said this before. Pray, Colonel, give him a Pinch, and I’ll do as much for you.
Lord Sp. My Lady Smart, your Ladyship has a very fine Scarf.
Lady Sm. Yes, my Lord, it will make a flaming Figure in a Country Church.5
[Footman comes in.]
Footman. Madam, Dinner’s upon the Table.
Col. Faith, I’m glad of it; my Belly began to cry Cupboard.
Nev. I wish I may never hear worse News.
Miss. What; Mr. Neverout, you are in great haste; I believe your Belly thinks your Throat’s cut.6
Nev. No, faith, Miss; three Meals a Day, and a good Supper at Night, will serve my Turn.
Miss. To say the Truth, I’m hungry.
Nev. And I’m angry, so let us both go fight.
[They go in to Dinner, and after the usual Compliments, take their Seats.]
Lord Sm. Ladies and Gentlemen, will you eat any Oysters before Dinner?
Col. With all my Heart. [Takes an Oyster.] He was a bold Man that first eat an Oyster.
Lady Sm. They say, Oysters are a cruel Meat; because we eat them alive: Then, they are an uncharitable Meat; for we leave nothing to the Poor. And, they are an ungodly Meat, because we never say Grace to them.7
Nev. Faith, that’s as well said, as if I had said it my self.8
Lady Sm. Well, we are all well set, if we be but as well serv’d. Come, Colonel, handle your Arms: Shall I help you to some Beef?
Col. If your Ladyship pleases; and pray don’t cut like a Mother-in-law, but send me a large Slice; for I love to lay a good Foundation: I vow, ’tis a noble Sirloyn.
Nev. Ay, here’s Cut and come again.
Miss. But, pray, why is it called a Sirloyn?
Lord Sp. Why, you must know, that our King James I. who loved good Eating, being invited to Dinner by one of his Nobles, and seeing a large Loyn of Beef at his Table; he drew out his Sword, and in a Frolick Knighted it.9 Few People know the Secret of this.
Lord Sp. Beef is Man’s Meat, my Lord.
Lord Sm. But, my Lord, I say, Beef is the King of Meat.
Miss. Pray, what have I done, that I must not have a Plate?
Lady Sm. [To Lady Answerall.] What will your Ladyship please to eat?
Lady Answ. Pray, Madam, help your self.
Col. They say, Eating and Scratching wants but a Beginning.10 If you will give me Leave, I’ll help my self to a Slice of this Shoulder of Veal.
Lady Sm. Colonel, you can’t do a kinder Thing. Well, you are all heartily welcome, as I may say.
Col. They say, there are thirty and two good Bits in a Shoulder of Veal.
Lady Sm. Ay, Colonel; thirty bad Bits, and two good ones; you see I understand you; but, I hope you have got one of the two good ones.
Nev. Colonel, I’ll be of your Mess.
Col. Then, pray Tom, carve for your self: They say, two Hands in a Dish, and one in a Purse.11 Hah, said I well, Tom?
Nev. Colonel, you spoke like an Oracle.
[Miss to Lady Answerall.]
Miss. Madam, will your Ladyship help me to some Fish?
Lord Sm. [To Neverout.] Tom, they say Fish should swim thrice.
Nev. How is that, my Lord?
Lord Sm. Why, Tom, first it should swim in the Sea; (do you mind me?) then it should swim in Butter; and at last, Sirrah, it should swim in good Claret. I think I have made it out.
[Footman to Lord Smart.]
Footman. My Lord, Sir John Linger is coming up.
Lord Sm. God so! I invited him to Dinner with me To-day, and forgot it. Well, desire him to walk in.
[Sir John Linger comes in.]
Sir John. What; are you at it? Why, then, I’ll be gone.
Lady Sm. Sir John, I beg you will sit down; come, the more, the merrier.
Sir John. Ay; but the fewer, the better Cheer.12
Lady Sm. Well, I am the worst in the World at making Apologies. It was my Lord’s Fault. I doubt you must kiss the Hare’s Foot.13
Sir John. I see you are fast by the Teeth.
Col. Faith, Sir John, we are killing that, that would kill us.14
Lord Sp. You see, Sir John, we are upon a Business of Life and Death. Come, will you do as we do? You are come in Pudden-Time.
Sir John. Ay, this you would be doing if I were dead. What, you keep Court-Hours I see.15 I’ll be going, and get a Bit of Meat at my Inn.
Lady Sm. Why, we won’t eat you, Sir John.
Sir John. It is my own Fault; but, I was kept by a Fellow, who bought some Derbyshire Oxen from me.
Nev. You see, Sir John, we stayed for you, as one Horse does for another.
Lady Sm. My Lord, will you help Sir John to some Beef. Lady Answerall, pray eat, you see your Dinner. I am sure, if we had known we should have such good Company, we should have been better provided; but, you must take the Will for the Deed. I’m afraid you are invited to your Loss.
Col. And, pray, Sir John, how do you like the Town? You have been absent a long Time.
Sir John. Why, I find little London stands just where it did when I left it last.16
Nev. What do you think of Hanover-Square; why, Sir John, London is gone out of Town since you saw it.17
Lady Sm. Sir John, I can only say, you are heartily welcome; and I wish I had something better for you.
Col. Here’s no Salt; Cuckolds will run away with the Meat.18
Lord Sm. Pray, edge a little, to make more Room for Sir John. Sir John, fall to, you know half an Hour is soon lost at Dinner.
Sir John. I protest, I can’t eat a Bit; for I took Share of a Beef-Stake, and two Mugs of Ale with my Chapman, besides a Tankard of March Beer as soon as I got out of Bed.
Lady Answ. Not fresh and fasting, I hope.
Sir John. Yes, faith, Madam, I always wash my Kettle before I put the Meat in it.19
Lady Sm. Poh! Sir John, you have seen nine Houses since you eat last: Come, you have kept a Corner of your Stomach for a Bit of Venison-Pasty.
Sir John. Well, I’ll try what I can do when it comes up.
Lady Answ. Come, Sir John, you may go further, and fare worse.
Miss. [To Neverout.] Pray, Mr. Neverout, will you please to send me a Piece of Tongue?
Nev. By no Means, Madam; one Tongue’s enough for a Woman.20
Col. Miss, here’s a Tongue that never told a Lye.
Miss. That was because it could not speak. Why, Colonel, I never told a Lye in my Life.
Nev. I appeal to all the Company, whether that be not the greatest Lye that ever was told.
Col. [To Neverout.] Pr’ythee, Tom, send me the two Legs, and Rump and Liver, of that Pigeon; for you must know, I love what no Body else loves.
Nev. But what if any of the Ladies should long?21 Well, here take it, and the Devil do you good with it.
Lady Answ. Well; this eating and drinking takes away a Body’s Stomach.
Nev. I’m sure I have lost mine.
Miss. What! the Bottom of it, I suppose.22
Nev. No really, Miss, I have quite lost it.
Miss. I should be sorry a poor Body had found it.
Lady Sm. But, Sir John, we hear you are marryed since we saw you last. What; you have stolen a Wedding, it seems.23
Sir John. Well, one can’t do a foolish Thing once in one’s Life, but one must hear of it a hundred Times.
Col. And pray, Sir John, how does your Lady unknown?
Sir John. My Wife’s well, Colonel; and at your Service in a civil Way. Ha, ha. [He laughs.]
Miss. Pray, Sir John, is your Lady tall, or short?
Sir John. Why, Miss, I thank God, she’s a little Evil.24
Lord Sp. Come, give me a Glass of Claret.
[Footman fills him a Bumper.]
Why do you fill so much?
Nev. My Lord, he fills as he loves you.
Lady Sm. Miss, shall I send you some Cucumber?
Miss. Madam, I dare not touch it; for they say, Cucumbers are cold in the third Degree.25
Lady Sm. Mr. Neverout, do you love Pudden?
Nev. Madam, I’m like all Fools; I love every Thing that is good: But the Proof of the Pudden, is in the eating.26
Col. Sir John, I hear you are a great Walker when you are at home.
Sir John. No, Faith, Colonel, I always love to walk with a Horse in my Hand. But I have had devilish bad Luck in Horse-Flesh, of late.
Lord Sm. Why then, Sir John, you must kiss a Parson’s Wife.27
Lady Sm. They say, Sir John, that your Lady has a great deal of Wit.
Sir John. Madam, she can make a Pudden; and has just Wit enough to know her Husband’s Breeches from another Man’s.
Lord Sm. My Lord Sparkish, I have some excellent Cyder, will you please to taste it.
Lord Sp. My Lord, I should like it well enough, if it were not so treacherous.
Lord Sm. Pray, my Lord, how is it treacherous?
Lord Sp. Because it smiles in my Face, and cuts my Throat. [Here a loud Laugh.]
Miss. Odd-so, Madam, your Knives are very sharp, for I have cut my Finger.
Lady Sm. I’m sorry for it; pray, which Finger? (God bless the Mark.)
Miss. Why, this Finger; no, ’tis this: I vow; I can’t find which it is.
Nev. Ay, the Fox had a Wound, and he could not tell where, &c. Bring some Water to throw in her Face.
Miss. Pray, Mr. Neverout, did you ever draw a Sword in Anger? I warrant, you would faint at the Sight of your own Blood.
Lady Sm. Mr. Neverout, shall I send you some Veal?
Nev. No, Madam, I don’t love it.
Miss. Then pray for them that do. I desire your Ladyship will send me a Bit.
Lord Sm. Tom, my Service to you.
Nev. My Lord, this Moment, I did my self the Honour to drink to your Lordship.
Lord Sm. Why then, that’s Hartfordshire Kindness.28
Lord Sp. Why then, Colonel, my humble Service to you.
Nev. Pray, my Lord, don’t make a Bridge of my Nose.29
Lord Sp. Well, a Glass of this Wine is as comfortable, as Matrimony to an old Maid.
Col. Sir John, I design one of these Days, to come and beat up your Quarters30 in Derbyshire.
Sir John. Faith, Colonel, come and welcome; and stay away, and heartily welcome. But you were born within the Sound of Bow Bell, and don’t Care to stir so far from London.31
Miss. Pray, Colonel, send me some Fritters.
[Colonel takes them out with his Hand.]
Col. Here, Miss; they say, Fingers were made before Forks, and Hands before Knives.
Lady Sm. Methinks, this Pudden is too much boyl’d.
Lady Answ. O, Madam, they say a Pudden is Poison, when it’s too much boyl’d.
Nev. Miss, shall I help you to a Pigeon? Here’s a Pigeon so finely roasted, it cries, Come eat me.
Miss. No, Sir, I thank you.
Nev. Why then, you may chuse.
Miss. I have chosen already.
Nev. Well; you may be worse offered, before you are twice married.
[The Colonel fills a large Plate of Soupe.]
Lord Sm. Why, Colonel, you don’t mean to eat all that Soupe?
Col. O, my Lord, this is my sick Dish; when I am well, I have a Bigger.
Miss. [To Colonel.] Sup, Simon;32 good Broth.
Nev. This seems to be a good Pullet.
Miss. I warrant, Mr. Neverout knows what’s good for himself.
Lord Sp. Tom, I shan’t take your Word for it; help me to a Wing.
[Neverout tries to cut off a Wing.]
Nev. I’gad, I can’t hit the Joynt.
Lord Sp. Why, then, think of a Cuckold.
Nev. O, now I have nickt it.
[Gives it Lord Sparkish.]
Lord Sp. Why, a Man may eat this, though his Wife lay a Dying.
Col. Pray, Friend, give me a Glass of Small-Beer, if it be good.
Lord Sm. Why, Colonel, they say, there is no such Thing as good Small-Beer, good brown Bread, or a good old Woman.
Lady Sm. [To Lady Answerall.] Madam, I beg your Ladyship’s Pardon, I did not see you when I was cutting that Bit.
Lady Answ. O, Madam, after you is good Manners.
Lady Sm. Lord, here’s a Hair in the Sawce.
Lord Sp. Then, Madam, set the Hounds after it.
Nev. Pray, Colonel, help me, however, to some of that same Sawce.
Col. Come, I think you are more Sawce than Pig.33
Lord Sm. Sir John, chear up; my Service to you: Well, what do you think of the World to come?
Sir John. Truly, my Lord, I think of it as little as I can.
Lady Sm. [Putting a Skewer on a Plate.] Here, take this Skewer, and carry it down to the Cook, to dress it for her own Dinner.
Nev. I beg your Ladyship’s Pardon; but this Small-Beer is dead.
Lady Sm. Why then, let it be bury’d.
Col. This is admirable black Pudden; Miss, shall I carve you some? I am the worst Carver in the World; I should never make a good Chaplain. I can just carve Pudden, and that’s all.
Miss. No, thank ye, Colonel; for they say, those that eat black Pudden, will dream of the Devil.
Lord Sm. O, here comes the Venison Pasty: Here, take the Soupe away.
[He cuts it up, and tastes the Venison.]
S’buds, this Venison is musty.
[Neverout eats a Piece, and burns his Mouth.]
Lord Sm. What’s the Matter, Tom? You have Tears in your Eyes, I think. What dost cry for, Man?
Nev. My Lord, I was just thinking of my poor Grandmother; she dyed just this very Day seven Years.
[Miss takes a Bit, and burns her Mouth.]
Nev. And pray, Miss, why do you cry too?
Miss. Because you were not hanged the Day your Grandmother dyed.
Lord Sm. I’d have given forty Pounds, Miss, to have said that.
Col. I’gad, I think, the more I eat, the hungryer I am.
Lord Sp. Why, Colonel, they say, one Shoulder of Mutton drives down another.
Nev. I’gad, if I were to fast for my Life, I would take a good Breakfast in the Morning, a good Dinner at Noon, and a good Supper at Night.
Lord Sp. My Lord, this Venison is plaguily pepper’d. Your Cook has a heavy Hand.
Lord Sm. My Lord, I hope you are Pepper-Proof.34 Come, here’s a Health to the Founders.
Lady Sm. Ay, and to the Confounders too.
Lord Sm. Lady Answerall, does not your Ladyship love Venison?
Lady Answ. No, my Lord, I can’t endure it in my Sight; therefore please to send me a good Piece of Meat and Crust.
Lord Sp. [Drinks to Neverout.] Come, Tom, not always to my Friends, but once to you.
Nev. [Drinks to Lady Smart.] Come, Madam, here’s a Health to our Friends, and hang the rest of our Kin.
Lady Sm. [To Lady Answerall.] Madam, will your Ladyship have any of this Hare?
Lady Answ. No, Madam; they say ’tis melancholy Meat.35
Lady Sm. Then, Madam, shall I send you the Brains? I beg your Ladyship’s Pardon; for they say, ’tis not good Manners to offer Brains.
Lady Answ. No, Madam, for perhaps it will make me Hare-brain’d.
Nev. Miss, I must tell you one Thing.
Miss. [With a Glass in her Hand.] Hold your Tongue, Mr. Neverout; don’t speak in my Tip.
Col. Well, he was an ingenious Man that first found out eating and drinking.36
Lord Sp. Of all Vittels, Drink digests the quickest. Give me a Glass of Wine.
Nev. My Lord, your Wine is too strong.
Lord Sm. Ay, Tom, as much as you are too good.
Miss. This Almond Pudden was pure good; but it is grown quite cold.
Nev. So much the better, Miss; cold Pudden will settle your Love.
Miss. Pray, Mr. Neverout, are you going to take a Voyage?
Nev. Why do you ask, Miss?
Miss. Because, you have laid in so much Beef.
Sir John. You two have eat up the whole Pudden betwixt you.
Miss. Sir John, here’s a little Bit left, will you please to have it?
Sir John. No, thankee, I don’t love to make a Fool of my Mouth.
Col. [Calling to the Butler.] John, is your Small-Beer good?
Butler. An please your Honour, my Lord and Lady like it; I think it is good.
Col. Why then, John, d’ye see, if you are sure your Small-Beer is good, d’ye mark? Then give me a Glass of Wine. [All laugh.]
Lady Sm. Sir John, how does your Neighbour Gatherall of the Park? I hear he has lately made a Purchase.37
Sir John. Oh; Dick Gatherall knows how to butter his Bread,38 as well as any Man in Derbyshire.
Lady Sm. Why, he used to go very fine, when he was here in Town.
Sir John. Ay, and it became him, as a Saddle becomes a Sow.39
Col. I know his Lady; and, I think, she’s a very good Woman.
Sir John. Faith, she has more Goodness in her little Finger, than he has in his whole Body.
[Colonel tasting the Wine.]
Lord Sm. Well, Colonel, how do you like that Wine?
Col. This Wine should be eaten; ’tis too good to be drunk.
Lord Sm. I’m very glad you like it; and, pray, don’t spare it.
Col. No, my Lord; I’ll never starve in a Cook’s Shop.
Lady Sm. And, pray Sir John, what do you say to my Wine?
Sir John. I’ll take another Glass first: Second Thoughts are best.
Lord Sp. Pray, Lady Smart, you sit near that Ham; will you please to send me a Bit?
Lady Sm. With all my Heart. [She sends him a Piece.] Pray, my Lord, how do you like it?
Lord Sp. I think it is a Limb of Lot’s Wife.40 [He eats it with Mustard.] I’gad, my Lord, your Mustard is very uncivil.
Lady Sm. Why uncivil, my Lord?
Lord Sp. Because, it takes me by the Nose, I’gad.
Lady Sm. Mr. Neverout, I find you are a very good Carver.
Col. Oh Madam, that’s no Wonder; for you must know, Tom Neverout carves a-Sundays.
[Mr. Neverout overturns the Saltcellar.]
Lady Sm. Mr. Neverout, you have overturn’d the Salt; and that’s a Sign of Anger. I’m afraid Miss and you will fall out.
Lady Answ. No, no; throw a little of it into the Fire, and all will be well.
Nev. O Madam, the falling out of Lovers, you know.41
Miss. Lovers! very fine! fall out with him! I wonder when we were in.
Sir John. For my Part, I believe the young Gentlewoman is his Sweet-Heart; there’s such fooling and fidling betwixt them. I am sure, they say in our Country, that shiddle come sh——’s the Beginning of Love.42
Nev. Miss, I’ll tell you one thing.
Miss. Nay, I love Mr. Neverout, as the Devil loves holy Water. I love him like Pye, I’d rather the Devil wou’d have him than I.
Nev. Miss, I’ll tell you one thing.
Miss. Come, here’s t’ye to stop your Mouth.
Nev. I’d rather you would stop it with a Kiss.
Miss. A Kiss! marry come up, my dirty Couzin:43 Are you no sicker? Lord! I wonder what Fool it was, that first invented kissing?
Nev. Well, I’m very dry.
Miss. Then you are the better to burn, and the worse to fry.44
Lady Answ. God bless you, Colonel, you have a good Stroak with you.45
Col. O Madam, formerly I could eat all, but now I leave nothing; I eat but one Meal a-Day.
Miss. What? I suppose, Colonel, that’s from Morning till Night.
Nev. Faith, Miss, and well was his Wont.
Lord Sm. Pray, Lady Answerall, taste this Bit of Venison.
Lady Answ. I hope, your Lordship will set me a good Example.
Lord Sm. Here’s a Glass of Cyder fill’d. Miss, you must drink it.
Miss. Indeed, my Lord, I can’t.
Nev. Come Miss; better Belly burst than good Liquor be lost.
Miss. Pish! well, in Life there was never any Thing so teazing; I had rather shed it in my Shoes: I wish it were in your Guts, for my Share.46
Lord Sm. Mr. Neverout, you ha’n’t tasted my Cyder yet.
Nev. No, my Lord, I have been just eating Soupe; and they say, if one drinks in one’s Porridge, one will cough in one’s Grave.
Lord Sm. Come, take Miss’s Glass, she wish’t it was in your Guts; let her have her Wish for once; Ladies can’t abide to have their Inclinations cross’t.
Lady Sm. [To Sir John.] I think, Sir John, you have not tasted the Venison yet.
Sir John. I seldom eat it, Madam: However, please to send me a little of the Crust.
Lord Sp. Why, Sir John, you had as good eat the Devil, as the Broth he’s boyl’d in.
Nev. I have dined as well as my Lord-Mayor.
Miss. I thought I could have eaten this Wing of a Chicken; but, I find, my Eye’s bigger than my Belly.
Lord Sm. Indeed, Lady Answerall, you have eaten nothing.
Lady Answ. Pray, my Lord, see all the Bones on my Plate. They say, a Carpenter’s known by his Chips.
Nev. Miss, will you reach me that Glass of Jelly?
Miss. [Giving it to him.] You see, ’tis but ask and have.
Nev. Miss, I would have a bigger Glass.
Miss. What, you don’t know your own Mind; you are neither well full nor fasting. I think that is enough.
Nev. Ay, one of the enough’s: I am sure it is little enough.
Miss. Yes, but you know, sweet Things are bad for the Teeth.
Nev. [To Lady Answerall.] Madam, I don’t like this Part of the Veal you sent me.
Lady Answ. Well, Mr. Neverout, I find you are a true English-Man; you never know when you are well.47
Col. Well, I have made my whole Dinner of Beef.
Lady Answ. Why, Colonel, a Belly-full is a Belly-full, if it be but of Wheat-Straw.
Col. Well, after all, Kitchen Physick is the best Physick.48
Lord Sm. And the best Doctors in the World, are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman.49
Lord Sp. What do you think of a little House well filled?
Sir John. And a little Land well till’d?
Col. Ay, and a little Wife well will’d?
Nev. My Lady Smart, pray help me to some of the Breast of that Goose.
Lord Sm. Tom, I have heard, that Goose upon Goose is false Heraldry.50
Miss. What! will you never have done stuffing?
Lord Sm. This Goose is quite raw. Well; God sends Meat, but the Devil sends Cooks.
Nev. Miss, can you tell which is the white Goose, or the grey Goose the Gander?
Miss. They say, a Fool will ask more Questions than twenty wise Men can answer.
Col. Indeed, Miss, Tom Neverout has posed you.
Miss. Why, Colonel, every Dog has his Day. But, I believe, I shall never see a Goose again, without thinking on Mr. Neverout.
Lord Sm. Well said, Miss; I’faith, Girl, thou hast brought thy self off cleverly. Tom, what say you to that?
Col. Faith, Tom is nonplust; he looks plaguily down in the Mouth.
Miss. Why, my Lord, you see he’s the provokingest Creature in Life: I believe, there is not such another in the varsal World.
Lady Answ. Oh, Miss, the World’s a wide Place.
Nev. Well, Miss, I’ll give you Leave to call me any Thing, so you don’t call me Spade.
Lord Sm. Well, but after all, Tom, can you tell me what’s Latin for a Goose?
Nev. O my Lord, I know that; Why, Brandy is Latin for a Goose; and Tace is Latin for a Candle.51
Miss. Is that Manners, to shew your Learning before Ladies? Methinks you are grown very brisk of a sudden. I think the Man’s glad he’s alive.
Sir John. The Devil take your Wit, if this be Wit; for it spoils Company. Pray, Mr. Butler, bring me a Dram after my Goose; ’tis very good for the Wholesoms.
Lord Sm. Come, bring me the Loaf; I sometimes love to cut my own Bread.
Miss. I suppose, my Lord, you lay longest a-Bed to-Day.
Lord Sm. Miss, if I had said so, I should have told a Fib: I warrant you lay a-Bed ’till the Cows came home. But, Miss, shall I cut you a little Crust, now my Hand is in?
Miss. If you please, my Lord; a Bit of Under-crust.
Nev. [Whispering Miss.] I find you love to lie under.
Miss. [Aloud; pushing him from her.] What does the Man mean? Sir, I don’t understand you at all.
Nev. Come, all Quarrels laid aside: Here, Miss, may you live a thousand Years. [He drinks to her.]
Miss. Pray Sir, don’t stint me.
Lord Sm. Sir John, will you taste my October? I think it is very good; but, I believe, not equal to yours in Derbyshire.
Sir John. My Lord, I beg your Pardon; but, they say, the Devil made Askers.52
Lord Sm. [To the Butler.] Here, bring up the great Tankard full of October, for Sir John.
Col. [Drinking to Miss.] Miss, your Health; may you live all the Days of your Life.
Lady Answ. Well, Miss, you’ll certainly be soon marryed: Here’s two Bachelors drinking to you at once.
Lady Sm. Indeed, Miss, I believe you were wrapt in your Mother’s Smock,53 you are so well beloved.
Miss. Where’s my Knife, sure I han’t eaten it? O, here it is.
Sir John. No, Miss, but your Maidenhead hangs in your Light.54
Miss. Pray, Sir John, is that a Derbyshire Compliment? Here, Mr. Neverout, will you take this Piece of Rabbit that you bid me carve for you?
Nev. I don’t know.
Miss. Why, take it, or let it alone.
Nev. I will.
Miss. What will you?
Nev. Why, take it, or let it alone.
Miss. Well, you’re a provoking Creature.
Sir John. [Talking with a Glass of Wine in his Hand.] I remember a Farmer in our Country——
Lord Sm. [Interrupting him.] Pray, Sir John, did you ever hear of Parson Palmer?
Sir John. No, my Lord; what of him?
Lord Sm. Why, he used to preach over his Liquor.55
Sir John. I beg your Pardon. Here’s your Lordship’s Health; I’d drink it up, if it were a Mile to the Bottom.
Lady Sm. Mr. Neverout, have you been at the new Play?
Nev. Yes, Madam, I went the first Night.
Lady Sm. Well, and how did it take?
Nev. Why, Madam, the Poet is damn’d.56
Sir John. God forgive you; that’s very uncharitable; you ought not to judge so rashly of any Christian.
Nev. [Whispers Lady Smart.] Was ever such a Dunce? How well he knows the Town! see how he stares like a stuck Pig! Well, but Sir John, are you acquainted with any of our fine Ladies yet? Any of our famous Toasts?
Sir John. No, damn your Fireships; I have a Wife of my own.
Lady Sm. Pray, my Lady Answerall, how do you like these preserved Oranges?
Lady Answ. Indeed, Madam, the only Fault I find, is, that they are too good.
Lady Sm. O, Madam, I have heard ’em say, that too good, is stark nought.57
[Miss drinking Part of a Glass of Wine.]
Nev. Pray, let me drink your Snuff.
Miss. No, indeed, you shan’t drink after me; for you’ll know my Thoughts.
Nev. I know them already; you are thinking of a good Husband. Besides, I can tell your Meaning by your Mumping.
Lady Sm. Pray, my Lord, did not you order the Butler to bring up a Tankard of our October to Sir John? I believe, they stay to brew it.
[The Butler brings the Tankard to Sir John.]
Sir John. Won’t your Lordship please to drink first?
Lord Sm. No, Sir John, ’tis in a very good Hand: I’ll pledge you.
Col. [To Lord Smart.] My Lord, I love October as well as Sir John; and I hope, you won’t make Fish of one, and Flesh of another.
Lord Sm. Colonel, you’re heartily welcome: Come, Sir John, take it by Word of Mouth, and then give it the Colonel.
[Sir John drinks.]
Lord Sm. Well, Sir John, how do you like it?
Sir John. Not as well as my own in Derbyshire. ’Tis plaguy small.58
Lady Sm. I never taste Malt Liquor; but they say, ’tis well Hopp’d.
Sir John. Hopp’d! Why, if it had hopp’d a little further, it would have hopp’d into the River. O, my Lord; my Ale is Meat, Drink, and Cloth. It will make a Cat speak, and a wise Man dumb.
Lady Sm. I was told, ours was very strong.
Sir John. Ay, Madam, strong of the Water: I believe, the Brewer forgot the Malt, or the River was too near him. Faith, it is meer Whip-belly-vengeance:59 He that drinks most, has the worst Share.
Col. I believe, Sir John, Ale is as plenty as Water, at your House.
Sir John. Why, Faith, at Christmas we have many Comers and Goers; and they must not be sent away without a Cup of good Christmas Ale, for fear they should p–ss behind the Door.60
Lady Sm. I hear, Sir John has the nicest Garden in England; they say, ’tis kept so clean, that you can’t find a Place where to spit.
Sir John. O, Madam, you are pleased to say so.
Lady Sm. But, Sir John, your Ale is terrible strong and heady in Derbyshire; and will soon make one drunk and sick; what do you then?
Sir John. Why, indeed, it is apt to Fox one; but our Way is, to take a Hair of the same Dog next Morning.—I take a new-laid Egg for Breakfast; and Faith, one should drink as much after an Egg, as after an Ox.61
Lord Sm. Tom Neverout, will you taste a Glass of the October?
Nev. No, Faith, my Lord, I like your Wine; and I won’t put a Churl upon a Gentleman:62 Your Honour’s Claret is good enough for me.
Lady Sm. What? is this Pigeon left for Manners? Colonel, shall I send you the Legs and Rump?
Col. Madam, I could not eat a Bit more, if the House was full.
Lord Sm. [Carving a Partridge.] Well, one may ride to Rumford upon this Knife, it is so blunt.63
Lady Answ. My Lord, I beg your Pardon; but they say, an ill Workman never had good Tools.
Lord Sm. Will your Lordship have a Wing of it?
Lord Sp. No, my Lord, I love the Wing of an Ox a great deal better.
Lord Sm. I’m always cold after eating.
Col. My Lord, they say, that’s a Sign of long Life.
Lord Sm. Ay, I believe I shall live ’till all my Friends are weary of me.
Col. Pray, does any Body here hate Cheese? I would be glad of a Bit.
Lord Sm. An odd kind of Fellow dined with me t’other Day; and when the Cheese came upon the Table, he pretended to faint. So, some Body said, Pray take away the Cheese: No, said I, Pray take away the Fool: Said I well? [Here a long and loud Laugh.]
Col. Faith, my Lord, you served the Coxcomb right enough: And therefore, I wish we had a Bit of your Lordship’s Oxford-shire Cheese.
Lord Sm. Come, hang saving, bring us a Halfporth of Cheese.
Lady Answ. They say, Cheese digests every Thing but itself.64
[Footman brings in a great whole Cheese.]
Lord Sp. Ay, this would look handsome if any Body should come in.
Sir John. Well, I’m weily brosten, as they sayn in Lancashire.65
Lady Sm. Oh, Sir John, I wou’d I had something to brost you withal.
Lord Sm. Come; they say, ’tis merry in Hall, when Beards wag all.66
Lady Sm. Miss, shall I help you to some Cheese? Or, will you carve for your self?
Nev. I’ll hold fifty Pound, Miss won’t cut the Cheese.67
Miss. Pray, why so, Mr. Neverout?
Nev. O, there is a Reason, and you know it well enough.
Miss. I can’t, for my Life, understand what the Gentleman means.
Lord Sm. Pray, Tom, change the Discourse; in troth you are too bad.
[Colonel whispers Neverout.]
Col. Smoak Miss; Faith, you have made her fret like Gum Taffety.68
Lady Sm. Well; but Miss; (hold your Tongue, Mr. Neverout) shall I cut you a Bit of Cheese?
Miss. No really, Madam, I have dined this half Hour.
Lady Sm. What? quick at Meat, quick at work, they say.
[Sir John nods.]
Lord Sm. What, you are sleepy Sir John. Do you sleep after Dinner?
Sir John. Yes, Faith; I sometimes take a Nap after my Pipe; for when the Belly’s full, the Bones will be at rest.
Lady Sm. Come, Colonel, help your self, and your Friends will love you the better.
[To Lady Answerall.]
Madam, your Ladyship eats nothing.
Lady Answ. Lord, Madam, I have fed like a Farmer; I shall grow as fat as a Porpoise: I swear, my Jaws are weary with chawing.
Col. I have a Mind to eat a Piece of that Sturgeon, but I fear it will make me sick.
Nev. A rare Soldier indeed; let it alone, and I warrant, it won’t hurt you.69
Col. Well, but it would vex a Dog to see a Pudden creep.
[Sir John rises.]
Lord Sm. Sir John, what are you doing?
Sir John. Swolks, I must be going, by’r Lady; I have earnest Business; I must do as the Beggars do, go away when I have got enough.
Lord Sm. Well, but stay ’till this Bottle’s out: You know, the Man was hanged that left his Liquor behind him; besides, a Cup in the Pate, is a Mile in the Gate; and, a Spur in the Head, is worth two in the Heel.70
Sir John. Come then, one Brimmer to all your Healths.
[The Footman gives him a Glass half full.]
Pray, Friend, what was the rest of this Glass made for? An Inch at the Top, Friend, is worth two at the Bottom.
[He gets a Brimmer, and drinks it off.]
Well; there’s no Deceit in a Brimmer; and there’s no false Latin in this; your Wine is excellent good, so I thank you for the next; for, I am sure of this. Madam, has your Ladyship any Commands in Derbyshire? I must go fifteen Miles To-Night.
Lady Sm. None, Sir John, but to take Care of yourself; and my most humble Service to your Lady unknown.
Sir John. Well, Madam, I can but love and thank you.
Lady Sm. Here, bring Water to wash; though really, you have all eaten so little, that you have no Need to wash your Mouths.
Lord Sm. But prithee, Sir John, stay a while longer.
Sir John. No, my Lord, I am to smoak a Pipe with a Friend, before I leave the Town.
Col. Why, Sir John, had not you better set out To-morrow?
Sir John. Colonel, you forget, To-morrow is Sunday.
Col. Now, I always love to begin a Journey on Sundays, because I shall have the Prayers of the Church, to preserve all that Travel by Land or by Water.
Sir John. Well, Colonel, thou art a mad Fellow to make a Priest of.71
Nev. Fye, Sir John, do you take Tobacco? How can you make a Chimney of your Mouth?72
Sir John. [To Neverout.] What? you don’t smoak, I warrant you, but you smock. (Ladies, I beg your Pardon.) Colonel, do you never smoak?
Col. No, Sir John, but I take a Pipe sometimes.
Sir John. I’Faith, one of your finical London Blades dined with me last Year in Derbyshire: So, after Dinner, I took a Pipe; So, my Gentleman turn’d away his Head: So, said I, what Sir, do you never smoak? So, he answered as you do, Colonel; no, but I sometimes take a Pipe: So, he took a Pipe in his Hand, and fiddled with it, ’till he broke it: So, said I, pray, Sir, can you make a Pipe? So, he said, no: So, said I, why then, Sir, if you can’t make a Pipe, you should not break a Pipe. So, we all laught.
Lord Sm. Well; but, Sir John, they say, that the Corruption of Pipes, is the Generation of Stoppers.73
Sir John. Colonel, I hear you go sometimes to Derbyshire; I wish you would come and foul a Plate with me.
Col. I hope you’ll give me a Soldier’s Bottle.
Sir John. Come, and try.—Mr. Neverout, you are a Town-Wit; can you tell me what Kind of Herb is Tobacco?
Nev. Why, an Indian Herb, Sir John.
Sir John. No, ’tis a Pot-Herb; and so here’s t’ye in a Pot of my Lord’s October.
Lady Sm. I hear, Sir John, since you are married, you have forsworn the Town.
Sir John. No, Madam, I never forswore any Thing but building of Churches.
Lady Sm. Well, but Sir John, when may we hope to see you again in London?
Sir John. Why, Madam, not ’till the Ducks have eat up the Dirt, as the Children say.74
Nev. Come, Sir John, I foresee it will rain terribly.
Lord Sm. Come, Sir John, do nothing rashly, let us drink first.
Lord Sp. Nay, I know Sir John will go, though he was sure it would rain Cats and Dogs.75 But, pray stay, Sir John, you’ll be Time enough to go to Bed by Candle-light.
Lord Sm. Why, Sir John, if you must needs go, while you stay, make good Use of your Time. Here’s my Service to you. A Health to our Friends in Derbyshire.
Sir John. Not a Drop more.
Col. Why, Sir John, you used to love a Glass of good Wine in former Times.
Sir John. Why, so I do still, Colonel; but a Man may love his House very well, without riding on the Ridge;76 besides, I must be with my Wife on Tuesday, or there will be the Devil and all to pay.
Col. Well, if you go To-Day, I wish you may be wet to the Skin.
Sir John. Ay, but they say, the Prayers of the Wicked won’t prevail.
[Sir John takes his Leave, and goes away.]
Lord Sm. Well, Miss, how do you like Sir John?
Miss. Why, I think, he’s a little upon the Silly, or so; I believe he has not all the Wit in the World; but I don’t pretend to be a Judge.
Nev. Faith, I believe he was bred at Hogsnorton, where the Pigs play upon the Organs.77
Lord Sp. Why, Tom, I thought you and he had been Hand and Glove.
Nev. Faith, he shall have a clean Threshold for me; I never darkned his Door in my Life, neither in Town, nor Country; but, he’s a queer old Duke,78 by my Conscience; and yet, after all, I take him to be more Knave than Fool.
Lord Sm. Well, come, a Man’s a Man, if he has but a Hose on his Head.79
Col. I was once with him, and some other Company, over a Bottle; and I’gad, he fell asleep, and snored so loud, that we thought he was driving his Hogs to Market.
Nev. Why, what? You can have no more of a Cat, than her Skin. You can’t make a Silk Purse out of a Sow’s Ear.80
Lord Sp. Well, since he’s gone, the Devil go with him, and Sixpence; and there’s Money and Company too.81
Nev. Pray, Miss, let me ask you a Question?
Miss. Well, but don’t ask Questions with a dirty Face. I warrant, what you have to say, will keep cold.
Col. Come, my Lord, against you are disposed:82 Here’s to all that love and honour you.
Lord Sp. Ay, that was always Dick Nimble’s Health. I’m sure you know, he is dead.
Col. Dead! Well, my Lord, you love to be a Messenger of ill News: I’m heartily sorry; but, my Lord, we must all dye.
Nev. I knew him very well; but pray, how came he to dye?
Miss. There’s a Question! You talk like a Poticary. Why, he dyed, because he could live no longer.
Nev. Well; rest his Soul; we must live by the Living, and not by the Dead.
Lord Sp. You know his House was burnt down to the Ground.
Col. Yes, it was in the News. Why; Fire and Water are good Servants, but they are very bad Masters.83
Lord Sm. Here, take away, and set down a Bottle of Burgundy. Ladies, you’ll stay and drink a Glass of Wine before you go to your Tea.
[All’s taken away, and the Wine set down.]
[Miss gives Neverout a smart Pinch.]
Nev. Lord, Miss, what d’ye mean? D’ye think I have no feeling?
Miss. I’m forced to pinch, for the Times are hard.
Nev. [Giving Miss a Pinch.] Take that, Miss: What’s Sawce for a Goose, is Sawce for a Gander.84
Miss. [Screaming.] Well, Mr. Neverout, if I live, that shall neither go to Heaven nor Hell with you.85
Nev. [takes Miss’s Hand.] Come, Miss, let us lay all Quarrels aside, and be Friends.
Miss. Don’t be mauming and gauming a Body so.86 Can’t you keep your filthy Hands to your self?
Nev. Pray, Miss, where did you get that Pick-Tooth Case?
Miss. I came honestly by it.
Nev. I’m sure it was mine, for I lost just such a one. Nay, I don’t tell you a Lye.
Miss. No, if you Lye, ’tis much.
Nev. Well, I’m sure ’tis mine.
Miss. What, you think every Thing is yours; but a little the King has.
Nev. Colonel, you have seen my fine Pick-Tooth Case: Don’t you think this is the very same?
Col. Indeed, Miss, it is very like it.
Miss. Ay, what he says, you’ll swear.
Nev. Well; but I’ll prove it to be mine.
Miss. Ay, do if you can.
Nev. Why; what’s yours is mine, and what’s mine is my own.
Miss. Well, run on ’till you’re weary, no Body holds you.
[Neverout gapes.]
Col. What, Mr. Neverout, do you gape for Preferment?
Nev. Faith, I may gape long enough before it falls into my Mouth.87
Lady Sm. Mr. Neverout, I hear you live high.
Nev. Yes, Faith, Madam; live high, and lodge in a Garret.
Col. But, Miss, I forgot to tell you, that Mr. Neverout got the devilishest Fall in the Park To-Day.
Miss. I hope he did not hurt the Ground. But, how was it Mr. Neverout? I wish I had been there to laugh.
Nev. Why, Madam, it was a Place where a Cuckold had been bury’d, and one of his Horns sticking out, I happened to stumble against it. That was all.
Lady Sm. Ladies, let us leave the Gentlemen to themselves; I think it is Time to go to our Tea.88
Lady Answ. and Miss. My Lords, and Gentlemen, your most humble Servant.
Lord Sm. Well, Ladies, we’ll wait on you an Hour hence.
[The Gentlemen alone.]
Lord Sm. Come, John, bring us a fresh Bottle.
Col. Ay, my Lord; and pray let him carry off the dead Men, (as we say in the Army.) [Meaning the empty Bottles.]
Lord Sp. Mr. Neverout, pray is not that Bottle full?
Nev. Yes, my Lord, full of Emptiness.
Lord Sm. And, d’ye hear, John, bring clean Glasses.
Col. I’ll keep mine; for I think the Wine is the best Liquor to wash Glasses in.89