The Parent Compass

Alex panicked as he furiously worked the mathematical puzzle before him. Acutely aware of time ticking behind him, he groaned as he realized he might actually let his family down this time. Nearby, his sister nervously shouted out suggestions, her voice high pitched as she, too, felt the pressure of the moment. With her help, Alex solved the complicated problem, then gathered another clue that would help free his family from this claustrophobic nightmare, and, together, he and his mom decoded its meaning. With that one out of the way, the family discovered an ornate key, but which door did it operate? Did it even operate a door? With seconds to spare, Alex’s father slid the key into the correct lock, and the family burst through the exit door. This was an ordinary Saturday night for Alex’s family.

Escape room fanatics, Alex and his family routinely travel near and far for their monthly escape room outing, hungry to keep experiencing the collaborative nature of the activity and the problem-solving skills that it engenders in each family member. The family works together to solve puzzle after puzzle, problem after problem, to escape the room in which they have been locked. Mom, Dad, Alex, and his sister each have a valuable voice as they work together toward the common goal of freedom. Not surprisingly, Alex’s family is extremely close-knit. Family time in their home is exciting, challenging, and collaborative, and every member feels seen and heard.

Parents, your appropriate support of your teen’s life outside of the classroom, including family time, plays just as important of a role in his development, well-being, and positive view of the world as does your support of his purely academic life. In this chapter, we will focus on parent compass rules for family time and downtime, supporting your student when the school day is done, and determining if you should hire extra help for your child.

Challenge Success is an important nonprofit research and intervention program that partners with schools, communities, and families, and it is changing our academic landscape by challenging our conceptualization of “success.” One of the strategies that Challenge Success suggests to promote good teen health and well-being is the importance of daily playtime, downtime, and family time, or “PDF,” for optimal development. Students—whether youngsters, teens, or even college age—need time during each day to step away from their otherwise over-scheduled existence and do something just for fun—to play. What’s more, they say, “research shows that when kids are part of a family unit that spends time together, they are likely to feel supported, safe, and loved unconditionally as well as have increased self-esteem and better academic outcomes.”¹ Taking that one step further, creating parental one-on-one time with each individual child in a family, whether it be playing a game or embarking on an outing, can be hugely beneficial and can allow a special connection to develop that isn’t distracted by other sibling or parental dynamics. Maybe you and your teen share a deep appreciation for an old-fashioned root beer float. Make a bi-weekly date to indulge without the distraction of siblings or significant others. Maybe your tween can’t get enough of musicals. Plan a monthly outing to check out free, low-cost, or local school performances together. If you are intentional about marking it on your calendars, you will be more likely to prioritize this restorative time together.

Likewise, it’s strange to think that downtime needs to be scheduled; it would seem that it can be achieved organically, but if you are actively following your parent compass, you should be scheduling it. As adults, we do feel the beneficial effects of self-care; some of us practice it better than others, but we can all agree that a warm bubble bath or long, hot shower, time spent engrossed in a good book, a mind-clearing run, or a well-deserved vacation inevitably lifts our spirits. Similarly, downtime helps our teens to relax, reset, and recharge from the overly programmed and very active life that usually consumes them. Whether it comes in the form of a nap, meditation, or listening to music, help your teen fine-tune her practice of regular downtime; you will be providing her with an invaluable gift.

Getting enough sleep is so crucial for you and your teen—indeed entire books have been written on the subject. A robust body of research shows that not sleeping enough hours comes at a huge cost for our kids, resulting in many negative consequences in personal safety, learning in school, physical health, and even emotional stability. By now you’ve probably heard that the use of technology before bedtime can significantly impact sleep. Indeed, the light given off by screens alters sleep patterns and depth of sleep, but do you really enforce rules around this indisputable fact? We resolutely recommend helping your teen shut down all devices for a full hour before he goes to bed. Collecting cell phones, iPads, and laptops is a necessary nightly habit (see Chapter 6 for a more in-depth discussion of technology in the home).

As you practice, become familiar with these important sleep statistics. Share this research with your kids if they resist your encouragement to choose more sleep:

“Surveys show that many teenagers do not get the recommended nine hours sleep a night and report having trouble staying awake at school.”

“Teenagers who go to bed late during the school year are more prone to academic and emotional difficulties in the long run, compared to teens [who are] in bed earlier, according to a new study from University of California, Berkeley.”²

Leticia seemed to me to be the typical American teenager; she was busy with school, extracurricular activities, and an active social life both personal and through social media. And not surprisingly, like a typical American teenager, Leticia also appeared exhausted when I met with her—disheveled, dark circles under her eyes, and dozing off every now and then. But when I asked her how much time it took for her to complete her homework each night, she replied, “About six hours.” “And about how much sleep do you get?” I followed up. “About five hours,” she replied. “Are you tired?” I guess I didn’t even need to ask. She nodded as tears filled her eyes. When we took the time to break down the hours she spent on homework and analyze the location of her social media devices and her study space, it turned out that several of these basic setups were somehow just off. Leticia habitually grabbed a candy bar from her school vending machine after school before heading to her sports team practice. She returned to an empty home around 6:00 PM since both parents worked late or were carpooling her younger sibling. A healthy meal wasn’t usually on hand, so after she showered, she scraped up something for dinner. By 7:00 PM she could start her homework, which she did on her big comfy bed with a backrest of pillows; but before starting her work, Leticia caught up on social networking and texts, which usually took about thirty minutes. Homework began at approximately 7:30 PM and included a nearby cell phone, the buzz and beep of messages and notifications constantly interrupting her. She began with her easiest and favorite subjects first, and homework usually lasted until around 1:30 AM. Sometimes, about once a week, Leticia woke up in the night with papers around her, the laptop almost out of battery, and the bedroom light still on. Leticia was up again at 6:00 AM to shower and start all over again, as she had a zero-period class. Sound familiar?

It came as no surprise that it was difficult for Leticia to keep up this pace, which was taking its toll on her sleep and mental health. So together, we mapped out a weekly plan, dividing up her time into thirty-minute chunks and asking her mom to assist with having meals ready to heat up (or at minimum frozen dinners) on the nights her mom worked late. Leticia disciplined herself to limit her social media intake (in order to gain sleep time by decreasing homework time), left her phone down in the kitchen while she studied, and installed an app that turned off her computer messaging as well. She relocated her study location from her bed to her desk (which was previously covered in clothes!) and began a system of doing homework in thirty-minute increments. Every thirty minutes, Leticia could take a break for about five minutes: stand up and stretch or use the restroom, grab a snack, or play with her dog. Then it was back to another thirty-minute increment. After each hour, Leticia could check and respond to five minutes of social media messages. And what do you know? Leticia’s time spent on nightly homework decreased from six hours to three hours, and her sleep time increased to eight or nine hours. With her new plan implemented—and knowing that this discipline is not always sustainable during exam season or when big projects are due—Leticia wielded some structure and control over her time, instead of letting a broken and failing system overtake her. Leticia’s system is just one example of how your teen can implement a plan to increase sleep time, and as a parent, reading this story should alert you to things you can do to help your own child should he show signs of exhaustion like Leticia did.

Seemingly a Herculean task with teens’ competing schedules, work, and after-school commitments, family meals have a vastly positive impact on family dynamics and on general well-being. Studies show that these gatherings greatly improve mental health, and by extension, result in better sleep and happiness in school. According to the Journal of Youth & Adolescence, “Adolescents who frequently ate meals with their family and/ or parents were less likely to engage in risk behaviors when compared to peers who never or rarely ate meals with their families.”³ Parents, it is never too late to start this ritual. Choose at least one evening per week—or as many as you humanly can; research says that five to seven nights is optimal—to sit down together for a meal.⁴ “A moody teen who refuses to talk is a common pop-culture cliché. But scientific surveys of thousands of teens paint a different picture. Most teens actually value their relationships with their parents and want to spend time with them. This is also true at dinner. About eighty percent of teenagers report that they’d rather have dinner with their families than by themselves or with friends. And when adolescents are asked to list their favorite activities, family dinner ranks high on that list.”⁵

Some families schedule the (often) impossible-to-achieve family dinner on Friday or Sunday evenings, deeming it a non-optional, non-negotiable family commitment. If one parent works non-traditional hours or travels often, sharing these dinners with one parent or even with an extended family member can accomplish the same goal.⁶ Impress upon your complainers and eye rollers that this is not a punishment but a family tradition that needs to be upheld for everyone to bond and, just as importantly, for emotional well-being. It doesn’t matter if you order in, take out, or whip up a special recipe, gathering around a table to break bread for breakfast, lunch, or dinner is one of the best activities you can help facilitate for your family. If you are able to involve your kids—especially on the weekends, when they may not have as much homework or enjoy a little bit more free time—then all the better. Grocery shop with them or send them to the grocery store with a list, food prep and cook with them, or have them set the table and help with cleanup—all of this togetherness in contributing to a family gathering promotes mental health and positivity. And it allows for loose, unstructured conversation and laughter.

In fact, in our homes we leave a boxed game on the dinner table called Table Topics, which gets everyone to weigh in on their views and gives each member a valued voice. Family ice breakers also take the focus away from discussion surrounding schoolwork and grades and instead lend to more creative thinking and authentic sharing. Family debates, discoveries of different perspectives, uncontrollable laughter, and surprising insights have resulted from that powerful little box. (For some hands-on ideas, see note 7.)

A White Paper produced by Columbia University’s National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse makes the case for family dinners.

• Teens who have frequent family dinners (at least five per week) are 1.5 times more likely to say that their parents know a great deal/fair amount about what’s really going on in their lives than teens who have infrequent family dinners (less than three family dinners per week).

• Those who say their parents know very little/nothing at all about what goes on in their lives are 1.5 times more likely to have used marijuana and alcohol.

• Teens who have frequent family meals report having high-quality relationships with their parents. These teens are less likely to use drugs, drink, or smoke.

• Teens who have frequent family meals are 1.5 times less likely to report high levels of stress and, thus, less likely to have used marijuana, alcohol, or tobacco.

• Teens who have infrequent family meals are less likely to say their parents would be extremely upset to find they had used marijuana and are three times more likely to say that their parents do not disapprove of marijuana or alcohol use.⁸

While navigating your parent compass, it is important that you have some general understanding of your teen’s after-school and academic schedule. While your role is not to micromanage these time blocks, you should be generally familiar with what their days look like: Are there late-start days? Is there time after school and before sports to get any work done, eat, or even rest a bit? Sure, schedules are always in flux, but it never hurts to check in and see if you can be of assistance with small, supportive tasks.

But perhaps more importantly, your teen should also have all of her commitments scheduled somewhere for herself. Remember: supporting your teen in establishing her self-sufficiency should be one of your main parenting goals. In fact, as you refine your personal goals, we implore you to prod your teen to maintain her own calendar—the easiest might be an electronic calendar app such as a Yahoo, Gmail, or iCal calendar—with her important dates and deadlines, doctor’s appointments, practices, and games. It is surprising and disappointing to us as professionals who work with teens how many of our students are simply unable to schedule their own appointments. They don’t keep their own calendars and instead rely on their parents to plan out their days. Parents, if your high school student is unable to schedule meetings, appointments, and other important activities on her own, you are not practicing good parenting; she is virtually tethered to you. Instead, your teen should get in the habit of using a calendar to map out her meetings, activities, and even long-term commitments or projects that are required in each of her classes: an end-of-the year presentation? A PowerPoint project? Something that requires special school supplies like poster board, glue, or stick-on letters? Encourage your teen to manage her own calendar.

Building upon this practice, the best way to know where everyone in your family is while enabling a sense of independence and self-sufficiency is to maintain a centralized family calendar—whether it is written decoratively on a whiteboard on display in the kitchen, hallway, or garage, or better yet quickly and easily accessed on an electronic online calendar that all family members can sync, access, and update on demand. (Hundreds of great ideas for family calendars are posted on Pinterest or online to get you started if you have not already.) E-calendars allow you to import daily, weekly, or monthly repeating events and also allow you to color code. We suggest color coding each person in your family so that you can see who is where and when. And changes to these e-calendars can be made from a cell phone, iPad, or computer—so they can be updated and synced in real time. Doctor and dentist appointments, sports games, and family events should all be able to be seen and accessed immediately, removing the constant need for your teen to check with you before planning something. As a result, your teen will learn self-reliance and responsibility, and he will be decreasingly dependent on you when it comes time to schedule something new.

“Don’t tell me what to do,” might be a comment we hear from our teens from time to time (alongside a furrowed brow and unwavering tone of voice). To that comment we can agree, but we are still their guides and consultants. Let your high school child know that you are not interested in managing her life—that you know it is not your job anymore. Instead you want to support her in any way she needs you to, whether it is giving her rides, helping to arrange carpools, or teaching her how to tune up her bike or change a tire. Notice that we said “teaching her how to tune up her bike.” Fellow parents, be careful you don’t enable or take over; just be supportive if asked. If your teen is in middle school, keep in mind that some kids are ready before others for their parents to back off, while others still really want your help, input, and participation.

Let’s face it, most teens arrive home from school ravenous. When my own kids get home from school, they head straight for the refrigerator and pantry. Keep a running grocery list of healthy foods that your child would like you to stock. Too much sugar eventually results in fatigue, and a tired brain does not yield a productive studier. Salty, sugary carbs may cause your teen to get sleepy while doing homework, as their body is busy digesting these sugars. Try to have fresh fruits and veggies with yogurt or ranch dressing on hand (or other healthy alternatives) to dunk them into. Often, watermelon slices, bunches of grapes (fresh or frozen), and other easy, healthy choices can be ready to grab and go. Whether you are a parent who carpools, works outside of the home, or greets your kids at the front door, it doesn’t matter as long as there are good choices for your teen to heat up or pull from a container.

If your child has gotten into the bad habit of doing homework in a soft, comfortable bed or on a plush, fluffy couch, or if your teen prefers to do homework at the kitchen table, help him to change those bad habits. Invest in a desk where he can spread out in a quiet, well-lit area such as a bedroom or study. The location should be free from unnecessary distractions such as a television, noisy younger siblings, or family members shuffling in and out. Be sure the desk has not only a ceiling light shining down on it but also a desk lamp. Pick out a chair that your teen likes, maybe an office chair with wheels or a sturdy wooden chair that is not too comfortable. Provide basic supplies: a stapler, tape, paper clips, loose-leaf paper, Post-it notes, notepads, mechanical pencils and pens, highlighters, and even a filing system that your teen likes to use. If a personal laptop fits into your budget, then provide one for your teen—it doesn’t have to be an expensive one. Some schools also provide computers or iPads to certain classes or to students who have financial need.

• Encourage your teen to turn off her cell phone or leave it outside of the study area while getting schoolwork done. Try putting a common phone docking station near your front or back door or in the kitchen; this is a good way to keep family cell phones charged and also unglued from each person.

• Suggest that your teen start with the homework from his hardest class and/or the subject he likes the least. You can also incentivize him to do that work while he is freshest, rather than saving it for the end of the night when he may be tired and out of steam.

• Offer to set a timer for her. Working in timed increments also helps, so ask your teen if you can help in any way to make homework more bearable, doable, and efficient for her.

“Nearly one in three (31 percent) 8- to 18-year-olds say that ‘most’ of the time they are doing homework, they are also using one medium or another—watching TV, texting, listening to music, and so on.”⁹

Parents, when did tutoring become an extracurricular activity? Does it seem like everyone around you is hiring extra help for their kids? Even in subjects in which the kids are doing well? Why is it that our society has become so “tutor dependent”? Is it because parents are fearful that their kids will fail and by extension not get into an “acceptable” college?

Just as we encourage our kids to not succumb to peer pressure, so, too, must we resist parental pressure. The cocktail party dialogues, sideline chats, and parenting gossip have gotten out of control. We know that parents can feel pressure to “keep up with the Joneses.” Comparing yourself and your parenting choices with other toxic parents increases your own personal level of anxiety with regard to your teen; comparing takes away joy and creates tension. This is never a good thing—especially because the stress we feel trickles down to our kids. Do not fall prey to these tiger parents (but do loan them a copy of this book!). Frankly, the overbearing parents—and we know who they are and how they behave—can mess with your personal sanity. Breathe, follow your parent compass, and know that by doing so you are doing right by your teen.

Some families consider tutors a necessity for their teens. In fact, in a recent Challenge Success survey, 64.8 percent of parents of high school students reported that they had hired paid tutors for their children during high school. Interestingly, 36 percent of parents surveyed said that they checked their kids’ grades weekly, while 11 percent reported that they went so far as to check them daily.¹⁰

Encourage your teen to use school support services including the teacher, peer tutors, or tutorial periods first before resorting to a paid tutor. Recognizing when your teen needs more help than a teacher or you can offer is an important function that you can provide. Many parents make the mistake of hiring a multitude of tutors to oversee homework and help in more classes than their teen needs. This practice is a mistake. Relying on tutors makes teens dependent on them and, as a result, less self-sufficient.

One small Bay Area town has ten tutoring centers within a four-block radius— ten! At 3:00 PM each day, students pour out from the seven nearby public and private middle and high schools and parade into these centers, filling up tutor spots with eagerly paying customers. Let us ask again: When did tutoring become an extracurricular activity? And is there no shame or concern about hundreds of kids from both private and public schools attending these sessions multiple times per week? We have even considered conducting an informal, local social experiment and some investigative reporting. In this experiment, we would ask random middle and high school students who were entering and exiting tutoring centers the following questions:

1. How many times per week do you attend a tutoring center (or have an at-home private tutor)?

3. Do you feel the tutoring has helped you do better in school?Do your tutors help you more than your school teachers?

8. Does your school have a study skills center, teacher office hours, or tutorials?

9. Do you feel academic stress at school, and if so, does a tutor help you manage that?

10. Do your tutors ever do your homework for you, write papers, or “overstep” their roles by telling you answers or completing assignments for you?

We imagine that we would be shocked at the replies. It is our educated hunch—and many a helicopter and tiger parent has shared in confidence their awful honest truths about how they would answer these questions—that most students would reveal that the tutors themselves completed homework for them or wrote the actual words that they submitted in their school assignments. Other students might complain that this tutoring was a waste of time and money, but that their parents made them go to tutors since “everyone else was.” Those who went to centers might even share that they also had additional at-home tutors.

And then there is a very concerning new breed of tutoring center that has emerged in a Chicago suburb. This is not the run-of-the-mill tutoring space with desks and one-on-one or group sessions. This is instead a membership-driven “tutoring lounge.” Yes, you read that right: a tutoring lounge. What is a tutoring lounge, you ask? It’s a hangout space adorned with cool, hip decor, where music serenades its student-clients who enjoy unbridled access to one-on-one and group tutoring spaces. The cost to be a member is $250 per month . . . oh, and no parents are allowed beyond the entry area. Very short five- to ten-minute tutoring sessions are included, but at the touch of a phone app button, students can book half-hour sessions for special needs that they may have. And in the big business of tutoring, with some estimates putting its value at $227 billion by 2022, we fear that this trendy hangout/tutoring center may catch on and blossom in more suburban communities.¹¹ Joining one of these membership-driven tutoring centers seems over the top to us and is evidence of poor or lazy parenting— through and through.

During a recent tour of an acquaintance’s new home, we approached a carefully curated room. Beaming, Robin proudly showed off to me her “tutoring room.” Without a hint of embarrassment, she remarked, “The three kids have so many tutors coming over at various times after school that we decided to create a workspace for them all.” The space included reference books, computer monitors, and even Cliff’s Notes and study guides in almost every subject at a variety of grade levels. Observing this space, I felt like I was in the reference aisle of Barnes & Noble. My first thought was, “Why on earth would her kids need so many tutors, and have they exhausted the use of their school teachers and peer support?” But most concerning: How would these students ever learn to do things on their own when they go to college? Tutoring should be used in moderation and as needed and should be curbed as comprehension and grades improve. The goal should not be to overload on tutors. This dedicated space was clearly an exhibit of an overreaching, overzealous, over-panicked parent.

So, when should you hire a tutor? It is our opinion, and that of many school teachers and administrators, that there is a natural order for seeking professional academic help. When all else fails, if your teen is frustrated and not getting support from his teacher or a peer tutor, is befuddled and overwhelmed, or is struggling in a class then it is probably time to seek professional help. A good rule of thumb? Earning a C grade or below could necessitate enlisting the help of a weekly tutor. Your teen should have always met with the teacher a few times before you hire a tutor in a subject.

And don’t have the tutor come more than once per week to start so that your teen isn’t dependent on doing all of her homework with a tutor.

1. Has your child already gone directly to his teacher for help or office hours?

2. Has your child attended school tutorials and/or visited the school’s study skills center (if there is one)?

3. Has your teen sought out upperclassmen who have taken the course or a classmate who is doing very well in the course to turn to for help?

4. Has your teen visited Khan Academy, YouTube or other online academic support services that teach thousands of classes and concepts?

5. Has your teen asked you or an older sibling for help? And, is this a subject in which you can offer some assistance?

Hiring a tutor should be a last resort decision. Once all of the above are pursued and exhausted, then it is probably time to hire a tutor for supplemental help. Commit to one day a week first and move up only as needed. Plan to wean off of a tutor once your teen has progressed through the hard period in that class—until eventually, there is no need for a tutor.

A tutor should not be a crutch on which a student becomes dependent to get through his classes. Having too many tutors creates lazier, dependent students who are less likely to self-advocate and is clear evidence of poor and lazy parenting. Schools offer plenty of resources on campus—namely the teacher first and oftentimes an on-campus study skills center staffed with older peers or teachers in a variety of subjects—that are usually free. It is up to your teen to take advantage of these offerings first. Review sessions, office hours, and tutorial sessions should be noted on your teen’s calendars, too, as if these time periods are simply an extended offering on top of the actual courses. As a curious parent, ask your teen what steps he usually takes when he needs help in a subject.

If you are not able to talk through your concerns and help your teen with deeper issues, find someone who can help her. Some common red flags are if your child is exhibiting signs of depression, experiencing excessive weight gain or loss, struggling in school, or expressing a concerning level of anxiety. These may be signs that your teen needs professional help. School counselors are often available on campus and are a good place to start. If your teen needs more professional help, find a great therapist who specializes in adolescent issues. Having an unbiased person in your teen’s life that she can talk to uninhibited and in a safe, confidential environment is one of the best supportive actions that you can provide to your child. Fellow parents, be proactive. There is no shame in seeking help; rather there could be even greater damage inflicted on your teen by ignoring her faltering emotional health. (Many employee health insurance plans offer fully covered in-network—and sometimes free—mental health care with face-to-face therapists as well as therapists online or by phone through organizations such as Lyra. Check out what your plan offers.)

Athletic coaches, theater directors, dance instructors, religious group leaders, or club teacher liaisons can also be excellent trusted supports for your teen. These adults witness your teen in environments that are not academic, and they can often forge deeper relationships with your teen. Sometimes these coaches serve as their teachers too, thereby knowing your child in another capacity. Encourage your teen to seek out these mentors if issues arise that they want help navigating or if they just want a second opinion on a situation occurring in their life.

Finally, educational consultants—also known as private college counselors—can serve a helpful role in your child’s teenage years. These consultants—like us—are paid professionals who help teens navigate middle and high school and ultimately the college application process. Many educational consultants have a psychology background, but even if they don’t, they can be an extra set of eyes and ears on your teen. Students share a lot with private consultants, too, about their parents, school situations, interests, hopes, and worries. Hiring a private counselor, however, is like hiring a tutor; it is not necessary. While the college admission process can be daunting and overwhelming, many teens are able to stay on task and meet deadlines, and choose to work exclusively with their school counselor while seeking help from older siblings or students who have been through the process. Some even seek out the help of a high school English teacher.

Parents, don’t feel pressured to hire a private counselor, but if you do, be sure that your teen enjoys working with him or her since they will be spending many hours in this process together. Be certain that the counselor you hire is current with college application and admission requirements; has experience as a former school counselor, is a former college admission office staff member, or has gained certification from a program in college counseling; stays abreast of college campus trends; and attends conferences or continuing education with the Independent Educational Consultants Association (IECA), Higher Education Consultants Association (HECA), or the National Association for College Admission Counseling (NACAC) or its regional affiliates. Of course, be wary of private counselors who guarantee that they can get your son or daughter into a particular college. This is not only a big red flag but also impossible to do (legally!), even if your teen has a strong legacy or is a recruited athlete. In contrast, the only guarantee a college counselor should ever give to you was beautifully coined by one of our veteran colleagues: “If you don’t apply, you won’t get in.”

Finally, we need to turn the clock back to the days of sharing helpful information on the benches at the playground, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable so that we can build parent connections, and creating a village of supportive adults who can share the ups and downs of child rearing together. We need to compare less and judge less. We’ll say it again: comparing takes away joy. Being vulnerable, on the other hand, builds connection. Parents, we need to stop judging, gossiping, assuming, and labeling.

A poignant Grown and Flown article eloquently cited many of the problems that parents are stirring up today when they pass judgment on others. We encourage you to read the essay, “It’s Easy to Judge until It’s Your Kid, Let’s Try Compassion,” by Marybeth Bock. The author makes many useful points, reminding us not to judge other people’s kids, for eventually those judgments may be about our own kids. Here are a few highlights directly quoted from her piece:

• “Oh, how we are quick to judge. As parents of teens and young adults, we may find ourselves judging other people’s kids as a means to teach or guide our own. Or to tear down and gossip about other kids in a misguided attempt to make our own seem superior in some way.”

• “It’s easy to think the know-it-all, overachiever kid is obnoxious and tries way too hard. Until it’s your kid and you know they are on the spectrum and struggle daily with fully grasping social cues.”

• “It’s easy to blame the mean girls because your daughter was excluded from a birthday celebration and is so sad. Until you discover it was your child who also treated others with disrespect or insensitivity.”

• “We are quick to judge. We are quick to joke. We are quick to accept rumors. And to label and to make assumptions. And we need to stop.”

• “Our kids are listening, even when we think they are not paying attention . . . [and] each new day presents us with a new opportunity to share in our humanity, extend grace, and practice compassion.”¹²

We are a village. It’s pretty plain and simple. An anonymous quote posted many times around the Internet reminds us that we need this fundamental support—to help one another and look out for each other’s kids in productive, helpful, non-competitive ways. Consider sharing this with a friend via text or posting on your own social media:

Dear Fellow Parents of Teens,

If you see something my kid is doing that’s dangerous, say something. It may be awkward and not well received at first, but it can make a difference: it could save a life. If you have knowledge about dangerous behavior going around school, I want to know. If you are aware of something that could affect the well-being of my child, I want to know. If my kid is the one being dangerous, I want to know. Send me a text or email, leave a note on my car, or do the unthinkable and pick up the phone. But, parents of older kids, please stay in my village. It’s a scary world out there and we need each other.