The Parent Compass

Just the other evening around 9:00 PM, I was multitasking on my computer—writing, paying bills, perusing Facebook, and allowing myself to be lured into the vortex of the World Wide Web by streaming videos, reading news articles, responding to texts, and clicking around on ads for items that the Internet seemingly magically picked just for me (thanks, cookies!). I had spent some money on Amazon, written part of a chapter for this book, and drafted two incomplete emails. Sound familiar? This is a typical evening activity in my home, usually timed after school-activity carpooling (a.k.a. mom taxiing) and dinner, but before I head upstairs to check in with my spouse, watch a few shows, quickly catch up on our daily lives, and go to bed. My two older sons are in college, and my two teenagers at home are very self-sufficient. That particular night, my teenagers had come down from their rooms to the kitchen (located near my office) for a snack break. I noticed my thirteen-year-old daughter staring at me from the kitchen and felt her walking toward my office as my eyes remained fixed on my computer screen. She touched me on the arm and pleaded, “Mom, I need you to look at me. Please, look up from your computer so you can focus on what I have to say.” I stopped what I was doing, almost sad that she had to be the adult in this interaction and unglue me from the monitor. I turned to her and she said, “Let’s go over the schedule for tomorrow,” and we launched into a short dialogue about the next day’s events as I pulled up the iCalendar to jog my memory.

My child had to take me off of my device. My child. The typical roles were reversed. She had to disconnect me so that I would listen to her. No matter the age of your children, I’m certain you can conjure up a number of similar experiences. I continue to work on resisting my strong connection and magnetic draw to my computer, as I’m sure we all do. But really, I am ashamed to admit this reality. You see, I was not—am not—present with my children when I am glued to a screen. Professor of Psychiatry Daniel J. Siegel and psychotherapist Tina Payne Bryson, authors of The Power of Showing Up and The Whole-Brain Child, tell us the following:

Our research and experience suggest that raising happy, healthy, flourishing kids requires parents to do just one key thing . . . Just show up . . . Showing up means bringing your whole being—your attention and awareness—into this moment with your child . . . When you do that, you’ll be teaching them how to love, and how relationships work. They’ll be more likely to choose friends and partners who will see and show up for them, and they’ll learn how to do it for others, meaning they’ll build skills for healthy relationships, including with their own kids, who can then pass the lesson on down the line through future generations.¹

At that particular moment, I was not showing up for my daughter. Parents, check your own technology use so that you can be proud of the example you set for your kids—so that you can hone your practice of presence. Unplug yourselves when it comes time for those important, and even those seemingly insignificant, face-to-face conversations.

My daughter recently came home from school after her human skills class and shared that she and her classmates had learned how to self-monitor their personal tech usage on various apps. She asked us to self-monitor as a family on a weekly basis. And do you know what? It’s shocking to see how our time is divided into usage minutes on various social media and application platforms—and those minutes don’t even factor in the time we spend on our laptops. This exercise was a great wake-up call for me, my spouse, and my other teens. Why not check your family usage from time to time?

Let’s all agree that it’s hard enough to manage your family under the roof of your own home before infusing the outside world with its pushes, pulls, media, messages, electronic connectivity and academic and social pressures; suddenly you are parenting in a world that brings the outside world into your home much more frequently—and all at the touch of a button. A generation ago, all parents had to do to limit social access was unplug the landline telephone, but now cell phones, Apple watches, and computer messaging allow for a connection that is continuous and penetrating. Yes, you are still in control of what occurs in your home, but even with the best of intentions, your good parenting can be derailed by strong outside forces and distractions. By building a solid foundation with your tween or teen that is based on trust, empathy, intention, communication, and understanding, you can start to challenge and overcome some of these outside influences that can become so debilitating.

The honest truth? This has been the most challenging chapter of this book for us to write. But really, we cannot, in good faith, write a book on parenting behavior without addressing the very real issues wrapped up in the complexities, the dangers, and, yes, even the positive attributes of social media and technology. Admittedly, entire books, scientific studies, statistical analyses, and thousands of articles are written on technology use in our society. And much of the data that has been gathered is so new that we won’t fully understand the long-term impacts of technology use until our children are parents themselves. So, in this chapter we have chosen to focus on issues that pertain specifically to your evolving parenting skills—to keeping yourself in check and to prioritizing intention and presence in your approach to technology in your home. (For more up-to-date research and information on prevention in digital media, visit Common Sense Media at commonsensemedia.org).

We will ask you to honestly gauge your own technology use and then urge you to use intentional parenting principles as you navigate the use of technology in your home. When you sense that your kids have been on their devices too much, are you accusatory? Are you angry? Do you threaten? Do you jump to accusations before questioning? We encourage you to dialogue with your family about what tech rules will be upheld in your household and to best determine how your devices won’t divide you. Reflect on your parenting practices as they relate to tech, and determine your own dependence on your devices.

Setting clear expectations around the use of technology sets the foundation for parenting with intention, not in tension. One way to do this is to create a family media agreement, which spells out your family’s tech rules, and encourage every member to uphold it.

Other technology experts like Chelsea Brown, Certified Cyber Security Expert and Parent Educator, believe that contracts alone are ineffective. Instead she promotes the concept of “Security Practices and Skills for Kids.” Brown feels that contract rules are too rigid and do not allow enough flexibility for instruction around the reasons for the rules or their consequences. Contracts are often worded in ways that don’t give kids logical consequences that teach correct, alternative behaviors; subsequently, teens don’t have what she calls “a redemption plan.” In other words, there is no way to learn and then to repair. Tiffany Shlain, author of 24/6: The Power of Unplugging One Day a Week, adds, “Making a tech contract is a great foundation for putting talking points down; but a tech contract should be collectively revisited every four to six months. You have to look at this as a living document.”² Brown suggests making a family tech safety plan to come up with the basic foundational rules, and then going through each item on the plan to modify it to reflect consequences. For example, you might implement a three-strike consequence regarding a particular behavior or bad choice you are trying to remedy. Or, if your teen is taking inappropriate photos and texting them, his phone is taken away. Once he feels ready to discuss and subsequently express understanding about what is appropriate to photographically share and what is not, he can earn it back and demonstrate that he has improved his behavior. Most importantly, there needs to be a process in place that allows your teen to earn the device back.³ Also, just as we positively reinforce following the rules and using good manners when our kids are young, remember to praise the positive use of tech: “That’s a nice message of congratulations you sent to your friend,” or, “I liked your positive post about being kind,” or, “Your post about hard work and teamwork was inspiring.”

Did you know that, on average, a teen spends 7.5 hours per day in front of a screen for entertainment purposes and that, over the course of a year, that time cumulatively adds up to 114 days?⁴ Fellow parents, let’s do the math. That’s nearly one third of a year—straight through— plopped in front of a screen!

My friend Amy told me that her daughter, Elise, gave up her cell phone for a month. Elise described what the sacrifice would be like to her mom, cautioning her that it would be harder than staying away from chocolate or caffeine. The challenge meant using an old-fashioned telephone landline for verbal communication with friends after school, having face-to-face conversations when she hung out with her friends (gasp!), and no texting on her computer. She allowed herself email in small doses for homework-related issues. Elise asked Amy if she would join her in the challenge; Amy (albeit reluctantly and painfully) agreed.

Amy characterized the disconnection like a diet; it took discipline and resolve to continue to do it for thirty (very long) days. But she also told me that disconnecting felt kind of illicit—like going on a vacation during her work week. It took more effort and planning to engage with adult friends, and when her kids needed her, they had to go to the school office to use the phone and hope that their mom would be near a land-line to take the call. They had to call their dad at work and even resorted to a grandparent once when Amy couldn’t be reached. I’ll admit that hearing her describe the endeavor made me a little anxious, but, if I’m being honest, also a little bit jealous—kind of like when a parent tells me they want to move their family to a slower-paced environment or take a year to live in another country, and the family actually does it! A lot of us talk about it, but most of us rarely follow through with a plan to actually do it.

Attempt a mini tech vacation for your family. Start small, making a twenty-four-hour initial goal and building up as your family becomes better able to navigate the inherent inconveniences. As a family, discuss the process—the good and the bad—after one day of disconnection. Or, if total disconnection isn’t possible, consider simply disconnecting from social media as a family for an agreed-upon period of time. One of us does this annually for a two-month period, and the presence in face-to-face interactions that results from pulling our prying eyes out of other people’s lives is worth the discipline it takes to make it happen.

Some families opt to make a certain day of each week tech free. Shlain and her family practice intention in their tech use by taking a “tech Shabbat,” a day of rest from devices from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday. This practice is not done for religious reasons, but rather to simply add value to Shlain’s family life. For over a decade, Shlain and her family have practiced this ritual, which she describes as the “single best thing I have ever done as a parent and a human, and it is the best day of the week for us all. My [older] teen, who is in her most intense year of high school, cannot wait for [sundown every Friday].” Shlain goes on to explain:

Humans are not designed to be “on” this much. Even leisure becomes work; we are constantly documenting and captioning. When I’m online I can’t get enough. I am in a constant state of never being satisfied. But when I turn things off, I am in a state of appreciation. The time off feels luxurious and long; we all laugh a lot more, we listen to our old-fashioned record player; we are in a better state of being and sleep better Friday night than any day of the week. We ponder the answers to questions that we cannot look up on our phones. Ultimately, my best ideas come on Saturdays. I feel so much more productive because I have given myself a true day off. And the biggest benefit is that I feel the most connected to my family and myself that day.⁵

Shlain tells us that occasionally, one of her kids will complain that she’s bored. Her response? “Awesome, that’s the runway to creativity.”

Milad and his siblings had never had social media accounts. All three of them spent their free time working a job and honing their practice of karate. And their phones, well, they looked a little different than those of their peers. Jokingly, Milad called them “ancient,” but really a better description would have been practical. Milad’s father recognized early that his children needed a way to communicate with their peers and with him, but he also wanted to practice intention in his rules around the use of technology in his home, so each of his kids was given an old-fashioned flip phone. This approach allowed for communication in the form of phone calls and texting, but that’s where the limit was drawn; indeed, there was no instant connection to the Internet or mindless browsing of social media. (And yes, you can still purchase flip phones today!) Over the course of his high school years, Milad and I had several conversations about his unique phone. He admitted that, yes, it made him stick out a bit and that he got teased from time to time; that, true, it was occasionally annoying; and that, sure, he missed out on some of the things that didn’t happen in person. But more importantly, Milad recognized that over the course of those formative four years, he became accustomed to cherishing in-person dialogue with friends, becoming comfortable conversing with adults, and being okay with missing the sometimes dramatic events that played out on Snapchat and Instagram. He saw that it contributed to the laser-sharp focus he had on attaining his goal of becoming a blackbelt and knew that, while a sacrifice, it positively impacted his work—in and out of the classroom. Parents, consider challenging yourselves to follow this family’s lead. What would life be like if your teen used a flip phone?

While assumptions might lead us to believe that the homes of technology executives are aglow with blue light, permitting liberal use of devices, the reality is interestingly quite the opposite in many cases.

“Every evening Steve [Jobs] made a point of having dinner at the big long table in their kitchen, discussing books and history and a variety of things . . . No one ever pulled out an iPad or computer. The kids did not seem addicted at all to devices,” recounts Walter Isaacson, author of Steve Jobs. The parenting of several other technology CEOs and venture capitalists bears a striking resemblance: “They strictly limit their children’s screen time, often banning gadgets on school nights and allocating ascetic time limits on weekends.” Tech leader Chris Anderson is quoted saying, “[W]e have seen the dangers of technology firsthand . . . I don’t want to see that happen to my kids,” and, “This is rule No. 1: There are no screens in the bedroom. Period. Ever.”⁶ We find it particularly instructive that the very people who think up and produce our ever-evolving technology recognize its pitfalls, and their approach to it in their own homes should give us pause as we navigate its use ourselves.

Do you ask permission of your kids when you post photos of them (or even better, when you post a throwback to those adorably embarrassing toddler photos of them wherein you inadvertently agreed to that horrible haircut or dressed them in what is now an embarrassing outfit), or do you paste their accomplishments all over your social media? At some point your kids may not want you to post about them without first running it by them. Would you like it if they posted a snapshot of your morning bedhead and drool-stained chin without asking you? Well, they might feel the same way—even about a post that you find completely innocuous. Do them the courtesy of asking their permission.

Adults and teens should “post with intention.”⁷ Who do you want to see your post? And, really, what is the point of your post? What do you intend to happen as a result of your post? Is there some knowledge or useful factoid that you are sharing with your audience—your entire audience? Shlain comments, “It’s not always fun for a kid to see the places where they were not invited or events that they were excluded from.” And she encourages the poster to ask herself, “What need is my post trying to fill?”⁸ These considerations are the same for both adults and teens. Put it to your teen this way: if a parent, grandparent, teacher, coach, or classmate would be uncomfortable or, indeed, offended by the post, then don’t post and instead reconsider. Post with intention, not in tension.

In a recent fascinating article in The Atlantic, the authors explore the “Dark Psychology of Technology.” After a thought-provoking discussion of social media and politics, the authors suggest a few small but interesting solutions to some of the negative effects that our world is experiencing since the inception and explosion of social media.

Reduce the contagiousness of low-quality information. Social media has become more toxic as friction has been removed. Adding some friction back in has been shown to improve the quality of content. For example, just after a user submits a comment, AI can identify text that’s similar to comments previously flagged as toxic and ask, “Are you sure you want to post this?” This extra step has been shown to help Instagram users rethink hurtful messages.⁹

In fact, one teen with ingenuity, Trisha Prabhu, took the initiative to significantly reduce online bullying by designing an app platform called ReThink. Her goal is to try to stop cyberbullying at its source. After a teen types a post, her program asks, “This message may be hurtful to others. Are you sure you want to post this message?” And due to her research on the impulsivity of the teen brain, her platform reduces the decision to post from 70 percent down to 4 percent, literally thwarting millions of ugly, hurtful, harmful posts from ever being seen.¹⁰

Encourage your teen to similarly filter himself (or download one of the apps that will do it for him): “Are you sure you want to post this?” Posting text or photos on digital media is like getting a permanent tattoo. The words you or your teen writes—whether on a quick Snapchat or in an Instagram post or in a “private” text message—are anything but quick and private.

If you pay for the phone, you own the phone. That ownership affords you the right to check texts, posts, and even private messages embedded in apps. Make that message very clear to your teen. So your kids don’t feel as though they are being “random drug tested,” start by periodically checking their phones at night, once they go to sleep. Phones, as we suggest elsewhere in this book, should be plugged into a common dock each night away from the bedroom (and laptops too, since teens can use all of these devices interchangeably). Purchase an “old-fashioned” bedside alarm clock or clock radio (yes, they still sell those, too!) for your teen if he complains that he needs his phone to wake him up. Here’s the key: if you find concerning or questionable content on your teen’s phone, don’t be quick to punish. Instead, talk with your teen. Express your concerns, fears, and frustrations with how he is expressing himself and suggest alternative and more productive ways for him to communicate appropriately. One middle school principal suggests:

Parents. It is your number one job as a parent to get in your kids’ way at all times. Kids do not deserve privacy without accountability. You own their devices, not them. You should be having the hard conversations with them about life, relationships, their bodies, their futures, etc. It is your responsibility to provide social and emotional support, help build coping skills, and monitor their activities, especially online. Please stop actively working against the schools and start working with us. We are not the enemy [when we alert you to what we find on your child’s phone]. We are trying to fulfill the role of both parent and educator in many situations, and that is a very delicate and difficult line to walk . . . Inform yourself on how to use certain apps. Keep up with what apps are the most downloaded in the App Store. Make your kids show you their content and conversations and explain to you what is going on. Then give them advice.¹¹

It’s time for some honesty. Parents, do you bring tech to the kitchen table (sure, you just need to check the time), doctor’s waiting rooms (there’s just one email that you need to read), car, grocery store, or restaurants (we know, that call was really important) rather than interacting with your kids? Interestingly enough, research has shown that parents bring their technology to family meals as much as two times more often than their kids do.¹² “Do as I say, not as I do” might have worked its flawless magic when your kids were younger, but if we’re really being honest, what your kids see you do with technology will appear acceptable to them. And what teenager doesn’t have a fine-tuned radar in spotting hypocrisy?

Be intentional about agreeing upon using (or eschewing) technology at the dinner table so that each member of your family can buy in. A 2017 study found that “the mere presence of one’s smartphone may reduce available cognitive capacity and impair cognitive functioning, even when consumers are successful at remaining focused on the task at hand.” Unfortunately, while in some ways devices connect us, in those moments where presence is a valuable commodity, we are inherently disconnected and unavailable.¹³ Shlain adds unequivocally, “There should be no technology at the dinner table. A family meal is about a thirty-minute experience out of the whole twenty-four-hour day. Referencing a phone and looking something up also leads to distraction. If one person at the communal meal pulls out of the tech-free deal, it is permission to tune out, for everyone to use their phone, and then we are all out of the experience.”¹⁴ In our own families, we support abstention from the use of tech at the dinner table, although admittedly it isn’t always easy to enforce.

On the other hand, some families find that the presence of devices, when their role is unambiguous, is acceptable. According to The Family Dinner Project’s Eat, Laugh, Talk: The Family Dinner Playbook, it’s okay to have tech at the table in a limited capacity. Technology is “part of the tapestry of modern life. We recognize that technology at the table can sometimes serve as a bridge to conversation by breaking down barriers and opening communication. Instead of a blanket ban, [consider] options to modify and minimize its use so that it doesn’t hijack this important time.”¹⁵

“A starting point at the dinner table is for parents and kids to agree on the rules. For some families, there may be a strict no-tech policy, with the idea that dinner should be a time when you focus on each other. You might agree to use technology in a limited fashion—such as consulting phones to resolve factual disagreements that come up at dinner—while others may share interesting photos or emails at the table as a way to talk about their days.”¹⁶

In Chapter 2, we challenged you to recall the details of your childhood. And now, in a much more abbreviated exercise, we ask you to add technology use at that time into the mix. After the school bell rang when you were a tween or teen, you probably hopped on your bike or walked or maybe squeezed into the smelly back seat of a carpool—likely heading directly home or perhaps to the park. Your after-school “screen time” might have involved watching a TV show or an after-school special for a bit before you did a little homework, then you took a break when you were called in for dinner, and then maybe you finished your homework. More “technology” use could have meant talking on the landline phone with friends, listening to the radio or a CD, or watching a TV show. Communication during school (and in class) meant whispering when the teacher’s back was turned; passing handwritten notes; or chatting at lunch, recess, in the hallways between classes, or in the bathroom. But,

now, the digital age has made it impossible to leave school and friends behind, even

One high school social science teacher observes the overwhelming impact of technology on teens:

I feel the countless effects of technology on all of us, but especially on the lives of children and teens. I admit that these impacts are both positive and negative, and some more obvious than others, but in many cases I am not sure that adults and professionals have all the answers yet to the problems that are caused by our rapidly changing technological and digital world . . . [Our generation] came from a world that was not so dominated by digital culture and social media, leading to, at worst, ignorance to the role and impact of technology and, at best, an understanding that is limited by generational experience. Technology creates . . . an incredibly powerful tool of comparison that is seemingly unhealthy for human life. This tends to be exacerbated in high school students who are at the peak point of comparison in their lives . . . Social media has put that phenomenon of comparison on steroids, and for students who are trying to figure themselves out in real time while at the same time attempting to fit in and be accepted by their peers, it creates tremendous pressures. The students who seem to have the most success academically and socially really do seem to balance their technological use, beyond simply limiting the distraction of a cell phone during class hours.¹⁷

Social media has created an instant, live-and-in-real-time connection for our teens. The moment a classmate posts, those who follow her can see exactly what is on her mind. Sleepovers, birthday parties, or activities that exclude kids are now posted for public consumption. Bullying and superficial analysis of pictures abound, and they can be so mortifying that kids are terrified to bring the embarrassing moments to their parents. But there are ways to practice good parent etiquette in order to help your kids be sensitive and kind in social media interactions.

Social media had hurt Maya. A floater in high school without one distinct group of friends, Maya moved around among the cliques, which she described as full of drama. Rather than becoming consumed with group dynamics that brought her down, she chose instead to eat lunch with different girls each day and to invite them over one at a time to hang out. But that approach wasn’t always easy. Photos of parties that she wasn’t invited to, group texts that singled out individuals in a persecutory way, hurtful messages directed at her—these social media encounters were damaging. But Maya also understood, after talking with her mom, that there is a fine line between posting (happy) activities going on in your day and posting images or words that hurt. Maya was so sensitive to that uncomfortable feeling of being excluded that she decided to be extra sensitive when she and her mom were planning a big celebration—her sweet sixteen.

Budget and space restrictions limited the number of classmates Maya could invite from school. She had a large class and had to exclude about one third of her classmates, both girls and boys. In order to limit potential hurt feelings, Maya and her mom took many preventative measures, most notably making the event device free: texting, photos, and social media would not be allowed at the party. Of course, students at school would eventually hear about the event, and the week before many did. If asked about the guests invited, Maya patiently explained the truth: that she wished she could have invited the whole class, but her parents limited her numbers and that she was so sorry.

Maya’s story now takes a socially sad turn. A few days before her event, a disgruntled classmate with hurt feelings posted a damaging image on Instagram with the caption: “For anyone who invited the entire grade to a sweet sixteen except for like fourteen people, please go away. No one wants you here.” Devastated, Maya burst into tears, broke out in a full body rash, and didn’t want to go to school the next day. While this classmate was obviously hurt from being left out, she chose to express her anger through social media in an accusatory manner—an inappropriate way to publicly express her feelings. This experience was used as a teachable moment for the teens.

We think it’s safe to say that, in theory, we all understand that our social media posts are collectively creating our unique digital footprint. What we put “out there” reflects who we are. Often, even after taking down a hastily composed or against-our-better-judgment post, the damage has already been done, as even the most “private” posted images or words can still be screenshotted in a matter of seconds and then distributed. But the teenage mind doesn’t always grasp the gravity of this reality.

In 2017, Harvard University famously rescinded multiple acceptances based on ill-advised social media posts. Ten recently accepted students learned that they would no longer be a welcome addition to campus after they posted racially charged and sexually inappropriate comments to a private Facebook group chat.¹⁸

Parents, take heed. Your teen can encounter the ramifications of imprudent posting even years down the line. In a poignant commentary about etiquette on social media, Jeff Schiffman, Director of Admission at Tulane University, writes: “The thing that we have the most zero tolerance for is when you act like a real jerk to someone on social media. Any form of cyberbullying, making fun of classmates and teachers on your [social media], or any kind of cruelty in the virtual world is a surefire way to have your admission rescinded. How you behave when you think no one else is watching tells a lot about your character, and if we get word that you’^ve been cruel to someone else, expect to make alternative future plans.”¹⁹

My family loves the board game Ticket to Ride: both the youngest and the oldest among us enjoy it equally, and it never ceases to bring out the competitive nature that is seemingly ingrained in our shared DNA. But recently, my kids and husband discovered that there was a phone app version of the game. You can be certain that I panicked, resisted, and fought the idea, sure that this technology had robbed us of our fun, shared, gather-around-the-table family experience—but I could not have been more wrong. One Sunday morning a few weeks ago (and a few years after we started playing Ticket to Ride), my husband and two younger kids, both teenagers, were cuddled up on the living room couch, each with a device in hand while they played together, talked, and cracked up with laughter and friendly heckling. I realized then that our Ticket to Ride board game was not replaced, just streamlined. In fact, according to my daughter, the app enhanced the experience: it kept score and even allowed her to make her moves after school and my husband to play some of his moves virtually with her on nights when he worked late at the office. This fun shared game application has just morphed into another way for us to connect and not disconnect, as I had originally feared.

And you’d have thought I would have learned that lesson from the Xbox dilemma that preceded it. We were the last family on the block to own the game console, despite the fact that our kids begged us for far too many birthdays and holidays. We feared that they would become video game addicts, giving up playing outside and being active in the fresh air over the lure of electronic games. Initially, we set up a reward system whereby in order to play thirty minutes on the Xbox they had to log an equal thirty minutes of outside time. It quickly became clear to us, however, that the Xbox was just another form of competitive and surprisingly interactive play. They mostly gravitated toward Guitar Hero and rock and roll games (despite their real-life lack of talent in the music arena!) and also Xbox sports games during which they laughed, joked, and competed with friends (regardless of whether the friends were actually athletic or not!). Madden Football and FIFA Soccer were the main games that consumed them in an interactive, laughter-inducing kind of way. We had less to fear than we had anticipated. In fact, our high school son still plays live Xbox games with many of his friends on the weekends when they cannot get together face-to-face. He shouts and calls out players and moves, laughs and interacts a lot, and has a great time. My husband and I are pleasantly surprised at how interactive the Xbox sports games actually are (even though we and he really do prefer participating in live sports games).

A recent Forbes article outlined some ways that parents can use tech to unite a family and not overtake the home. A home that is full of enticing off-screen options such as engaging board games; collective cooking opportunities; group art projects (in our home we have an oversized family coloring book that we leave out with markers and a perpetually unfinished puzzle that is always inviting involvement); and social outdoor activities such as a basketball hoop, a croquet set, Corn Hole, or Spikeball can help peel eyes off of devices and invite outdoor recreational play.²⁰ If your space or budget permits, a pool table (tabletop or life-size), Ping-Pong table, or foosball set up in the garage or family room also serve as ideal tech-free distractors.

Talk about tech so it is not a taboo topic that no one wants to broach. “Invite informal discussions of what your kids are up to online. Who’s their favorite YouTuber? What show are they streaming now? What is their favorite app at the moment?” said Theresa Desuyo, a digital family expert interviewed for the Forbes article. Dr. Scott Noorda, also interviewed for the article, suggests discussing tech as a tool with your teens: “Go online with your kids to find recipes together . . . Teach them to use goal-tracking apps to help establish good habits.”²¹

Technology is not all bad, and we know it. It can unite us and help build community. Tech offers us access to the world and connectivity at our fingertips. Since tech continues to become increasingly entangled in the fabric of our lives and our teens’ lives, let’s also remember the good things. We know how great a positive message or photo feels, how a shared article motivates us, how a couple can meet through an app and get married, how a video of a military family reuniting can make us cry, how a human moment of paying it forward inspires us, how happy news in turn makes us happy—and how we feel more connected to the good in our world when we read it. This chapter has offered many warnings and cautionary tales about how tech can harm this generation of kids, but there is also so much good that comes from it.

Brown suggests that when it comes to navigating the tricky digital world with our kids, we parent them as if we will relinquish all control tomorrow—as if they were to become an adult tomorrow. “Don’t parent from a place of fear. Parent your kids as if tomorrow, all filters don’t work so they are prepared to make good choices [now] . . . Proactively help them develop skills to get better, to self-regulate, and to learn and grow from digital mistakes that they will make.”²² After all, in practicing good parenting, aren’t we teaching our teens the skills they’ll need to make good choices in all aspects of their lives and preparing them to be future adults? They will falter, and we will use ideas from this book to navigate teachable moments. Technology is here to stay, and while it can be a scary vortex for parents who are trying to keep up with the latest TikTok craze or whatever else just ended, it is better to be in the know and to face it with intention than to ignore or complain about the damage it is causing.