The Parent Compass

Good afternoon, Mr. and Mrs. G.,

As the AP U.S. History teacher at Dover High School, I have the pleasure of having your son in my class. I wanted to send you a quick note of thanks for the wonderful job you have done in raising your son. Every class period, Max demonstrates a superior level of understanding regarding the material through his willingness to engage in class discussions, providing nuanced responses that reveal his superior critical thinking skills. While Max maintains an excellent sense of humor and an ability to not take himself too seriously, I do recognize what hard work he applies both within and outside the classroom setting. So again, I just wanted to send a quick note of thanks for the excellent job Max has demonstrated this year.

All the best,

John H.

We begin Chapter 8 with this heartwarming note that was indeed received by one of our clients for a reason—because it exemplifies, perhaps even better than we can, the impact that following your parent compass can have on students and their teachers alike. How would you feel to receive an unexpected email like this about your child, commending you on your parenting? Fellow parents, your personal academic goals for your child should not be set in terms of her particular grades or GPA. Your child’s success should be determined by whether or not she works to her personal potential; it should be measured by the effort she puts in—whether or not she likes the subject or the teacher (hey, Max planned to major in physics but this letter came from a history teacher)—and in the curiosity she displays. Your teen should find her own personal best and work up to that. And your job? Model grit, humor in the face of challenge, and resilience; encourage effort over outcome. Remember, a “B” for one student may be a great achievement, while a “B” for another might be evidence that she is not trying hard enough. Know your teen and support and encourage her to work at her personal best.

Recently, a teacher candidly shared with us the sad reality that she sees occur when parents fail to practice good parenting habits, putting immense pressure on their kids to achieve rather than meeting their kids where they’re at: “Some kids feel like they have to be ‘perfect’ and will somehow fail their parents if they don’t get straight A’s and eventually get into a prestigious university. At this point, nothing surprises me anymore. Many of my students feel like they have little say in taking on numerous AP/IB classes, even in subjects in which they are not particularly strong. I was [heavily immersed in our school’s] International Baccalaureate program . . . and worked with many kids who were in over their heads and didn’t want to take on the heavy workload, but [they] were pressured by their parents to be part of the program. I also dealt with many psychological ‘melt downs’ (including suicide threats) and ethics violations brought on by the pressure. Students tell me they are being forced into career choices that reflect what [their parents] want.”¹ Parents, we implore you to hear this cautionary observation. Being an attuned parent means that instead of having unattainable and unrealistic college dreams for your kids, you encourage your teen to be the best student he can be.

As a parent, you wake up every day, probably pour yourself a large cup of coffee (or two if you really need some pep), and show up to your job; maybe it’s working at a company, managing the home, volunteering at a nonprofit, or running your own business. Similarly, every student that we meet learns quickly that we believe school is her job. And we encourage you to use that same analogy. Just as you work for your children each day (and night, since we can all agree that parenting is actually 24/7), they, too, have a job: to go to school. Be sure you tell them that you don’t care about how well (in terms of grades) they do in school as long as they show up, give it their best effort, seek help when needed, do their homework, find some nice friends, build relationships with a few teachers, and stay organized. We don’t think that’s too much of parents to ask of their teens.

But what makes your student’s job particularly challenging—in a different way than yours—is that he has to contend with six, seven, sometimes even eight bosses: teachers and coaches. But there’s a concept we share with our students that can make doing the job of school much easier: figure out how the teacher wants things, what they want, the way they want it, and give it back to them that way. In our experience, parents who share this wisdom with their children through a personal story from their own school experience (whether positive or negative) can be more impactful in getting the message across.

Teachers are usually transparent in outlining what they expect from students. On the first day of the term, each teacher presents a syllabus delineating the expectations and requirements of the class. These syllabi provide an opportunity for you to have a conversation with your teen about studying her teacher-bosses—how each one wants assignments completed and how best to relate to each one. We’ve gathered some great open-ended questions that you can ask your teen during such conversations. Be sure to gauge her attention span, and if you sense push-back, leave it alone and try to have the conversation again at another time. Your goal is to come across as a helpful, thoughtful teammate:

• Have you talked to any upperclassmen who have taken the course before, and what do they say?

• Is the subject one you like/comes easier to you, or is it generally harder for you compared to other subjects?

• Is the teacher enthusiastic and passionate about the material and the course? Or is the teaching style subdued?

• Do students talk a lot in class, or do you just listen and regurgitate the material?

• Does the teacher have office hours or a set time he can meet during tutorials, or can you arrange a meeting with him before school or during lunch or break?

• Does the teacher prefer email? What is her general communication style with students?

If teens can’t learn life skills at middle and high school, under the safety net of living under our roofs to help support them when they fail or falter, then where else will they learn life skills and how to make good choices? Throughout middle and high school teens learn interpersonal communication, problem-solving, teamwork, relationship building with peers and teachers, critical thinking, self-advocacy, hard work, written and oral communication skills, time management, independence, responsibility, curiosity, and sacrifice, among other things. And school is also a place where teens will make mistakes and experience disappointments: hurt a friend’s feelings; break someone’s heart or have theirs broken; be academically dishonest or be disappointed in finding out that someone else has been; and experience academic failures or social, athletic, and extracurricular disappointments. Of course, there will be successes, too. Enduring these experiences in a “safe” environment, before they head off to the real world, allows them to process the events and make adjustments to their responses over time.

Senioritis had taken hold of Casey. Lazy and checked out, he had gained a reputation of cutting corners and partying a bit too much. He was well liked by his peers, social, and popular, but he was not very motivated. And senior year he made an unfortunate choice; a teacher caught him blatantly cheating on a test. He was called to sit in front of the school ethics board, which was made up of peers he knew and did not know, and his punishment was decided: he would not be allowed to finish the school year on campus and would not walk at graduation. Instead, he had to complete his work remotely from home. This infraction would remain on his permanent high school record. He was terribly embarrassed and ashamed, and his parents were obviously disappointed, too. How our teens react to failure, take ownership, and move forward from the mistakes that they make help define them. This unpleasant period in Casey’s life made him look closely at his bad choice, accept his punishment, and demonstrate remorse. He wrote a letter to his classmates, apologizing for his dishonesty, and had to live with the public humiliation suffered from this bad decision. That “little voice” reminder was now permanently in his head—his conscience—as a future reminder not to make the same mistake again.

Lisa Damour, psychologist and parenting author of Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls, helpfully analogizes each year of school to a weight-lifting exercise in the gym: at the beginning of first grade, students are handed a set of weights that feel heavy. These small kids think, “Ooh, that is hard to lift,” and struggle to exercise their muscles. But little by little and as the school year progresses, and certainly by the last day of first grade, the weights come to feel much lighter than they did on day one; in fact, sometimes there is no real effort exerted at all when lifting those end-of-the-school-year weights—the lifting has been mastered. Then the summer arrives and a deeper recovery period happens. At the start of second grade, the students are handed a new, slightly heavier set of weights and the routine repeats itself, and so on and so on until kids have graduated from every year of their schooling. Just as a gym goer works his way up to heavier and heavier weights and more strenuous exercises after a lot of practice, so, too, does the student.²

But just as the weights are important to master (school), so is the recovery process (downtime). Week after week simply working out at the gym becomes monotonous and tedious, and it can cause great fatigue, pain, and burnout. So, it is equally important to make time to recover from the strenuousness of exercise. To do that, we hydrate, rest, take breaks, and breathe. Students at every age also need sufficient downtime in order to recharge, rest, turn off their brains, and relax.³ Parents, use this analogy when empathizing with your teens regarding school. And practice good parent etiquette by monitoring your teen, making sure she has enough downtime to do what helps her de-stress, decompress, and relax once she is home from school and in the summer.⁴ (More on other recovery ideas in Chapter 5 under the section “Playtime, Downtime, and Family Time.”)

Sometimes students forget that their teachers have lives outside of the four walls of the classroom. Teachers go to the movies on the weekend, coach athletic teams, have families of their own, and make Target runs—just like you do. I’ve observed more times than I can count students bumping into a teacher at the grocery store, the dry cleaner, and even the school parking lot only to freeze up, unsure of what to do or say when they encounter a teacher out of context.

Teens can fortify good teacher relationships in many ways. Let’s start with the simplest: by saying the words, “Thank you,” at the end of each class. We’ll say that again so that it really sinks in: saying the words, “Thank you,” at the end of each class goes a very long way. You’d be surprised at how few students make the extra effort to convey these two words. Yet teachers remember the kids who are polite and appreciative. Think about it this way: Who doesn’t like to be on the receiving end of a little gratitude, and honestly, who doesn’t feel better after offering it? I am a nut for my exercise spin class (you know those stationary bikes that go nowhere but you still feel exhausted when you’re done?), and I’ve employed this strategy at the conclusion of every class that I take; I actually feel better when I’ve gone out of my way to let a hard-working instructor know that I appreciate them—and not surprisingly, instructors start to recognize me and remember my name. Likewise, encourage your teen to express gratitude. (You’ve instilled basic etiquette in him from a very young age, so why shouldn’t he translate that to his “school job”?) And when he sees any teacher or coach in the hallway, at lunch, in the parking lot, or, yes, at Target, a simple, “Hello, Ms. Smith,” is entirely appropriate. But maybe more importantly, a teen who is comfortable conversing with superiors—with her teacher-bosses—is a teen who, eventually, will be comfortable speaking up and advocating for herself with college professors and, one day, with her bosses at work.

You can also try to role-play if your teen is concerned about how to better connect with his teachers. In counseling sessions, we often role-play and find that it can be a useful tool for our students to practice what they want to say to a teacher and to anticipate how a teacher may respond. Thinking about a conversation and actually practicing one are different experiences entirely. Suggest or offer to role-play, and if your teen is receptive, take the time to actually do it.

How would you feel about a colleague who habitually jumped in to inform your boss about your projects, your concerns, and your problems before you could get a word in edgewise? Would you feel empowered? Or would you feel helpless? Would you have positive feelings about your colleague? Or would you resent him? Exactly. Parents, instead of voicing your teen’s concerns, fixing her problems, or coming to her rescue when she fails or falters, equip her with the tools to deal with these situations on her own. When there is an academic problem in high school, your teen should be the first one to go to her teacher. One of the worst things you can do for your child is to circumvent her by calling her teacher or emailing on her behalf. Sure, sit beside her as she crafts an email (if she asks you to) or role-play at home to prepare for a face-to-face meeting with the teacher, but do not step in for her in high school. Instead, teach her to do it herself. Her teachers expect it, and your job is to prepare her for adulthood by entrusting the communication to her. (The only exception to this would be, of course, if there were some impropriety or safety issue that required parental involvement.)

A dean at a major research university candidly described his observation: “I have noticed a shift in parent behavior toward taking a more direct role when [parents] believe their children are facing a potential challenge. Instead of helping their [college-aged] child navigate the system, they tend to intervene directly and reach out to school officials.”⁵ Parents, your children are only prepared to self-advocate in college and beyond when they’ve been given opportunities to practice that skill during the preceding years. So give them that gift.

A high school principal, during our interview with him, described how his school tries to deal with overzealous parents by setting high expectations for their behavior:

We begin messaging our expectations about students learning to self-advocate during the admission process. I have found that the more times we repeat our expectations and philosophy, the better they “stick” down the road. I talk about it, write about it, send articles, and talk about it some more—all before the ninth graders have matriculated. From there, we continue on with the same messaging from day one. In general, parents get it—at least in principle—and do their best to let their children learn how to effectively approach teachers when they are struggling with something.⁶

Review sessions and office hours allow teens to connect with teacher-bosses face to face. Sometimes tutorials require that a student goes to school early for a zero period or an early start block; sometimes teacher meetings are offered weekly for those students seeking extra help; or schools might offer after-school sessions where students can meet with teachers. Offer to drive your teen to school early or pick him up late if he needs to meet with a teacher (or, if your work schedule prohibits this type of assistance, help your teen figure out alternative transportation). Casually encourage him to take advantage of those times to seek extra help, review missed homework problems, get feedback on written work, or even obtain some clues of what might be appearing on the next quiz or exam. Review sessions always offer little nuggets that can help students in their future testing.

Beyond being a good listener and a sounding board, making suggestions—or planting seeds as we like to call it—can be a good parenting approach to problem-solving. And please note that making suggestions, at the correct time, is not fixing the problem. It involves offering a variety of options when your teen communicates that she is stuck; it is empowering your teen to do it herself. Some teens have negative knee-jerk reactions when they feel “bossed around” by a parent; others take parental advice, let it stew and simmer for a while, and then apply it. And many are somewhere in between. Eye rolling and talking back to you are some of the reactions to your seed planting that we know you have experienced. Knowing your teen and finding the right time to plant these seeds comes as a result of practicing very skilled parent compass following. Don’t worry, we are human, too, and don’t always get it right the first time. Please try again if you fail.

Parents, just as your teen should be in the practice of expressing genuine gratitude to his “bosses,” so should you show appropriate gratitude to your child’s teachers. After Back to School Night or teacher conferences, don’t be afraid to send a kind email (or a more personal handwritten note) to each teacher, letting them know you also appreciate their tireless effort. Try to personalize each note with a sentence reflecting on something that the teacher said or on some insight that he provided about your child. You can encourage your child to deliver a small gift card, bring flowers from the garden, or bake something as a nice gesture around the holidays, teacher appreciation week, or certainly when a teacher writes a recommendation for a job or college. An email of gratitude—maybe one per semester—for good work you witness or hear about from your child is always appreciated; consider looping in the administrator or principal if a teacher deserves to be recognized. Teachers always appreciate when their superiors hear or read about a job well done.

If you enjoy it and have the time, volunteering at your child’s school as a room parent, in the library, on a parent council, or attending campus parent or grade-level events are other ways to make positive contact with your child’s teachers and the school administration. While not imperative, it is always good to be seen around campus as a helpful, friendly contributor or school supporter. Think of it as a more tangible way to express gratitude for the space where your teen spends so much time.

Parents tend to believe their children over the perspective of teachers, challenging grades and methods. Yet, when parents take the time to raise issues or voice concerns, if the teacher has a response that explains the motivations behind actions or classroom policies, I have found that [we can reach an understanding] . . . [Y]ou know them better than anyone and have more time with them then we as teachers do, but give the teachers the benefit of the doubt as professionals and the adults in the room. Respect their judgment.⁷

Echoes another during our interview with her: “Don’t make the assumption that if your student isn’t doing well, it’s the teacher’s fault.”⁸

Become a parent partner. Look at your relationships with your teen’s teachers as partnerships working toward common goals: understanding, respect, and growth. Perhaps a teacher has been overly challenging for your child. Maybe there’s an issue beyond the scope of what your child can address alone. Or maybe your child has tried to address a concern on his own but without success or a satisfactory solution (such as classroom dynamics or fear of the teacher). It is okay for you to address these issues honestly with your teen’s teachers. But, remember that you are a parent partner —and partnerships involve compromise, mutual understanding, and the acknowledgment that there are always two sides.

Please, fellow parents, don’t attack. Instead, approach the teacher from the perspective that you want to partner together in the interest of your tween or teen. Do not go directly over a teacher’s head to a principal or a department head until you have first had a chance to meet with the teacher directly. There is a proper order of events in issues that concern your child in her school, and any good dean or principal will always ask you if you have first gone directly to the teacher. Indeed, a headmaster candidly shared the following with us:

The more difficult and personal the issue, the more difficult it is for parents to stay out of it. When they see it as something “high stakes,” they often cannot help themselves. If they feel the stakes are high or the final outcome is one they do not like, they will often try to reach out to me or another administrator. We will coach them on how to handle it, but we do not get involved unless it is absolutely necessary; for example, if a teacher and student cannot come to a resolution themselves, sometimes a third-party administrator has to help facilitate and mediate. That does not happen very often, though. I always redirect because: 1) I usually do not have any details or knowledge about the situation, and 2) teachers cannot stand it when parents go straight to the administration, so I try to respect that.⁹

Parents, you are conscientious. We know that because you probably wouldn’t be reading this book if you weren’t. As such, you know that homework is a necessary—albeit often mundane—part of your student’s “school job” and that there is a purpose for it: homework reinforces ideas that are covered in class or introduces cursory topics that are not covered in class. Luckily, schools are increasingly trying to move toward homework being less busywork and more about problem-solving, creative thinking, and multi-step problems that require grit and resilience from students. Some students give up quickly, but teachers want them to push through; homework can also test that. But what do you do if you have a teen who refuses to see homework in this way—as an inevitable part of her very important day-to-day job?

Let me back up and tell you a story that happened just last month. Slightly alarmed by the yelling (peppered with obscenities) I heard coming from outside, I stuck my head out my front door—as any curious neighbor would—to see what was causing the hurling of these choice words. My neighbor’s teenage daughter (not a morning person, by the way) had awoken late and on the wrong side of the bed; she was tired and grumpy and hobbling toward her car with one shoe on and one shoe in her hand. Her brother, on the other hand, who had been up equally late doing homework and studying for an important test, was dressed and ready for school with his teeth brushed and bed neatly made and was waiting in the car. He was apparently lamenting his impending tardiness because of his sister. The mother, exasperated, rolled her eyes at me as she tried to usher her daughter into the car. Angry and at an impasse, both parties slammed car doors and made the (rushed) trip to school. My neighbor later explained to me that what I had heard was the end of a heated argument with her daughter surrounding homework, namely the fact that her daughter had chosen not to do her homework—again.

While my neighbor’s tactics may not have exemplified the best parenting behavior, she later had an epiphany: her daughter didn’t want a frantic tongue lashing and “I told you so” threats; these things weren’t going to get her to do her homework, and they certainly weren’t going to help her learn. Instead she wanted her mom’s empathy. So my neighbor decided to listen to that little voice telling her to calm down, to keep the situation in parental perspective, and to try to turn it into a teachable moment. She realized that she needed to take the long view to parenting; this particular homework assignment wasn’t going to break her daughter’s academic career. Instead, she needed to help her daughter understand that doing hard and boring things can help in reaching goals. So she switched tactics and tried to reapproach.

When her daughter got home from school that day, my neighbor didn’t hesitate before she apologized to her daughter: “Honey, I blew it. I should have first tried to understand your position before jumping to anger. I get it: homework can be boring, and I know that it isn’t what you’d choose to do with your evening time. Me neither! But not doing your homework isn’t helping you. You dig yourself a hole each time you skip it. I remember when I skipped nearly an entire semester of math work, unbeknownst to my parents. I was so behind in my math that it felt hopeless. Back then, there was no way for my parents to check up on my grades, so I just kept pretending that everything was fine when it really wasn’t. Not surprisingly, I ended up in summer school that year.” Confessing her own faults made her more human to her teen and engendered some solidarity—she’d been there, too. My neighbor, knowing what I do for a living, recalled this series of events to me, reporting that her daughter actually responded positively to her attempt to level with her. The interchange sparked a conversation around ways to make homework more tolerable. More amazingly, she hasn’t had a missing homework assignment since. And do you know what? I don’t think it was the lesson from her mother’s past that moved the daughter to respond; it was instead her mom’s flexibility and attempt to apologize and then empathize that urged her to rethink her choices.

Understanding, empathetic, and non-judgmental words are possibly a parent’s most magical influential tool, especially when it comes to completing tedious tasks, and homework is no exception. If and when your kids complain about homework, use empathy to connect and level with them. You might very well get eye rolls or flat out silence when you approach the homework conversation as an authoritarian, but the conversation will likely go very differently if your teen feels understood. Remind him not to skip it—after all, that will likely end up being the day that the teacher collects it—and, if you can, reference your recollections of homework, so that he feels you can personally relate to his “suffering.”

Apart from empathizing, when your kid complains about having too much homework, use the opportunity to investigate home habits. (For more information on homework distraction visit Chapter 5.) Finally, let your kids know that homework is an essential part of school, and that it is what it is: home work.

In our increasingly competitive academic landscape, micromanaging our children as they navigate the classroom can feel like it brings control to an uncertain future—and we understand the pull. We recognize that the parenting strategies we have laid out in this chapter might very well be the hardest ones for some parents to employ—namely, to pull away from what you are so used to doing for your kids—but we also believe that they are doable and, more importantly, that they will contribute to your teen’s overall well-being and to your family harmony. You’ve got this.