CHAPTER 11:

RECOGNIZE MOST THINGS ARE NOT CATASTROPHIC

Jessie clicked her mouse to bring up the admission decision. Subconsciously holding her breath and clenching her hands together, she slowly realized that the words she desperately didn’t want to encounter were, in fact, staring back at her from her computer screen. She didn’t know whether to cry or to scream, so naturally, she did both. Jessie was a complete and utter failure—well, at least that’s what she thought.

Jessie’s mother contacted me in anguish when her concern for her daughter grew. Jessie didn’t seem to be handling this admission decision well. After all, she had put so much time and effort into her applications—not to mention into her classes and tests, activities, and athletics throughout her four years of high school. But Jessie had been accepted to seven other schools, and her concerned mother didn’t understand why Jessie could only focus on the negative outcome and the destructive thought that it made her a complete failure.

Parents, remember back to when you were trying to teach your child to write his name or to ride his bike. As any parent knows, eventually children get it, but the process can involve great frustration and tedium. You might have even heard a very dramatic, “I am never going to be able to do this,” along the way. The truth is, kids of all ages often fall prey to errors in their thinking, and an inaccurate perception of reality can result in a negative view of the world. One error might generalize to a completely doomed future, or one unintentional slight by a friend might translate into an assumption that a particular friendship is over. Teenagers can tend to see inconveniences and setbacks as catastrophes from which recovery is unlikely or, worse, impossible. Parents riddled with anxiety can catastrophize, too. Have you ever caught yourself compulsively playing out the worst-case scenario? Maybe your infant started walking later than his peers and—fast-forward—you pictured him crawling to his first day of junior high. And then in junior high, when he had a bad semester, you pictured him jobless and living in a ditch somewhere. Parents, your job is to recognize and subsequently help your teen through these damaging thinking patterns—and to keep your own distorted thoughts in check, too. Following the parent compass should help curtail your own anxieties spilling over to your child.

Helping Teens Who Catastrophize

With tweens and teens in the house, most days probably feel like a catastrophe has taken place: a friend of your daughter shared an unflattering photo of her on social media (the world is ending!), meatloaf was served for dinner instead of tacos (the nerve!), or everyone else’s parents let them use their phones during homework time (how could one survive?!). But catastrophizing can be a very real thing and a legitimate (although rather illogical) feeling for your teen. Have you ever heard the saying, “anxiety lies in the future, not in the present”? When your child spends too much time thinking in grand terms about what may (or in this case, will likely not) happen in her future, it can rob her of the joy of remaining present in the moment.

When your student receives a C on one test and remarks that he is a terrible student or when he doesn’t have his best water polo game and concludes that he is the team’s worst player and he might as well quit, be on high alert; this pattern of thinking is dangerous, because students can use it as an excuse to throw in the towel. In fact, it is the opposite of the grit and resilience that we’ve been advocating throughout this entire book. As discussed in Chapter 3, grit and resilience arise from, in part, doing difficult things—in stretching oneself, in picking up and gathering oneself after a setback, and in taking up the challenge to try again or to try a different way. Yet teens who are constantly stuck in the “But what if . . . ?” of life instead feel paralyzed into inaction.

About Adriana

I remember meeting Adriana a few years back when she was diligently preparing for the ACT. She spent hours working through test prep books and devoted her Saturdays to taking practice exams, on which she scored quite well. During her studying and as she nervously awaited the official test day, she articulated to me that she was proud of her effort. When that ill-fated Saturday came, Adriana sat to take the exam and left the testing center feeling generally confident in her performance. Several weeks later, though, Adriana received her score, and it was not nearly what she had hoped it would be. To say that Adriana took the news hard is an understatement. Devastated, she dubbed herself “a horrible test taker” and told me that she wasn’t capable of scoring well (despite evidence to the contrary on her practice exams). Adriana mistakenly assumed that she was simply unable to earn her goal score—all based on one poor performance on one particular Saturday in October. To her, it wasn’t worth taking the test again, because she was just going to keep scoring poorly.

About Connor

I remember when Connor earned a B in first semester physics. Mostly an A student, Connor was beside himself with grief over this “transgression.” You see, Connor took this B and magnified it to epic proportions, playing the B out over time and ultimately coming up with the conclusion that he was not going to get into college—anywhere! Connor’s mom called me in a panic, wondering if his assessment was accurate. The answer was a hard no. But this type of thinking takes a toll on a student’s self-esteem; parents should first point out, listen to, and acknowledge the feelings their teen is having, and then help him to remedy it by using the strategies outlined later in this chapter.

Focusing on the Negative

I see it happen all the time: students who simply ignore an abundance of positives only to focus on one negative. And it always seems to happen a lot around the time that admission decisions are sent (remember Jessie, whom we met at the outset of this chapter?). But when your teen focuses on the negative to the detriment of the abundance of positives constantly surrounding her, it does her no good; in fact, it keeps her swimming in a pool of harmful thoughts rather than experiencing the true joy in the positive aspects of her life (and no matter who you are, there are always positives to be identified each and every day).

If you find that your tween or teen is focusing on the negative—discounting the positives in a particular situation or even more generally in his day to day—try this exercise: encourage him to make a “positives” list. You can even sit with him while he does the activity, if he’ll let you. Have him write out all of the good things that came alongside the negative situation on which he is focusing. Urge him to habitually review his list and add to it. You can point out the positives that you see as well.

In a related activity, you can help your teen focus on the things for which he is grateful. Constantly paying homage to the abundance of things that bring us joy keeps our focus on the good rather than the bad. Let’s face it: we are confronted with challenges each and every day, but when we actively work to concentrate on the good, no matter how small, the more likely we are to experience a greater sense of well-being. In our house, we each name one thing from the day that we are grateful for before we go to bed each night. It can be as simple as the delicious latte I enjoyed with my breakfast or the fact that I made it to the pharmacy two minutes before it closed. Some people choose to keep gratitude journals that they add to periodically or even daily, which helps them to track the good things in their life over time and to naturally dwell on the positive.

Yet another strategy is to ask your teen how she would perceive her situation if it had happened to a stranger. If someone at another school, for instance, got a B for one semester of physics, would that mean that she wasn’t admissible to college? Your teen’s perception may change quickly when a stranger is experiencing the situation, and the exercise depersonalizes it for your teen.

Parents, don’t be afraid to point out your teen’s maladaptive thinking to him; listen, show empathy, and ask some general questions to help redirect his thinking so that eventually, he can catch himself before he makes the error in judgment. For instance, Adriana had completed multiple practice tests on which she had earned her goal score or above. Adriana’s parent might sit down with her and take a look back at those practice test scores, showing her physical proof that she is capable of meeting her goal score.

You can also try something a little bit more elaborate that takes some creative on-the-spot thinking and play a game with your tween or teen, putting the irrational thought on “trial.” The “defense” will outline its case, offering the supporting evidence for the assumption that your teen would fail all subsequent tests (or whatever her negative thoughts are focused around). The “prosecution” would provide evidence to the contrary, attempting to prove that the thought is irrational. Once both sides have presented their cases, the “judge” (your teen) gets to decide whose case was more compelling.¹

Recognize Catastrophizing in Yourself

I used one particular example at the start of this chapter not by accident. You see, I was the parent whose child walked later than my friends’ kids did, and I quite literally had irrational visions of her crawling to her first day of class in junior high. Never mind that the pediatrician told me that it was actually good for her development to crawl and that she wasn’t actually late at all; the other kids were all walking—no, running—while I waited quite impatiently. And now, years later, just as the doctor told me, she is developmentally where she needs to be. Parents, how many of you can relate to playing out a relatively simple situation or worry only to end up in the very worst place? It’s a normal thing to do, and in our competitive world, we constantly feel the need to keep up with the Joneses. But what if we took that ball of anxiety and just placed it, instead, into having a heap more faith in our kids? Why couldn’t I trust my daughter to walk when she was ready? Because that’s exactly what she did. Well, probably because I was too worried with how it might reflect on me. And this is where we come full circle: Remember the self-assessment that you took at the very start of this book? Thinking the worst, living in a future that likely won’t materialize, is robbing you of the joy of experiencing the present journey with your child.

Life Isn’t Always Fair

“But it’s just not fair.” This is something I often hear at my desk. It’s not fair that he won the award and I didn’t; it’s not fair that the teacher likes her better; it’s not fair that her parents help her and mine don’t; it’s not fair that I have to get a job. But let’s review what probably every one of our parents told us, and indeed we all likely tell our own kids: life’s not fair. Holding ever so tightly to the belief that it is will only lead to a constant sense of dissatisfaction and unnecessary comparison.

I think the time that I hear most about fairness (or, really, unfairness) is when students receive admission decisions; that’s what is most pertinent to our conversation here. And the reality is that, yes, the admission process is inherently not fair. Students with lower GPAs might be admitted over him, athletes or legacy students might be given preferential treatment over him, an unkind bully might be admitted when he wasn’t, a cheating incident might be concealed from or overlooked by admission officers—all of these things and so many more might be perceived as unfair, and they might very well be, but we live in an unfair world. But a student who holds steadfastly to the idea that things should and must be fair—especially in the world of college admission—is going to find himself angry and sorely disappointed, time and time again.

Long before applications are even completed and certainly well before decisions have come out, initiate frank conversations with your teen about the idea of fairness and how to cope in school, in life, and in college admission when things aren’t fair. Give him situations from your life that have been unfair, and tell him how you have coped. Passed over for a work promotion? Lost a job to someone younger than you? Had to move your family to a new city just when your kids had finally found their groove from the most recent job transfer? Remind your teen that you, too, have experienced unfair life experiences, but that you have come out of them stronger, more resilient, and, yes, sometimes still with a small grudge over what should be let go as ancient history. Life is not easy and not always fair. Then, try to work through unfair hypothetical scenarios and challenge your teen to come up with ways to cope with the disappointment and anger. What happens when you lead the group project and everyone gets the same grade—even the kid who didn’t do anything? How would you move on if a classmate with lower grades and test scores was admitted to a school and you were not? Fellow parents, it is not, “What an injustice! I assure you, I will fix this.” Instead, say, “Honey, I will sit with you through this disappointment, and we will work to focus on the positive.” Practice those situations long before they happen. And listen. And show empathy. And ask some open-ended questions—all before trying to help solve or fix any of your teen’s feelings for him.

Constructing a Script as You Navigate

Working from a script, when we are first attempting to grasp a concept or practice a habit, can help give us a useful roadmap. We’ve come up with a few sample scenarios to illustrate appropriate responses to perceived “life isn’t fair” scenarios, and to juxtapose those responses with inappropriate ones.

THE SCENARIO: Ana, your daughter’s teammate, got to start in the volleyball game despite the fact that she missed two practices this week. Your daughter is furious; she made every practice, but since Ana is a better player, she still gets to start.

Inappropriate Response: “What? There is no way she should start while you sit on the bench. The athletic director will be hearing about this!”

Appropriate Response: “Your frustration is natural. I totally get it. Accepting life’s inequities never gets easy, but you just keep doing your thing the right way and hopefully you will get recognized for your effort. After all, you love volleyball. Keep hanging in there.”

THE SCENARIO: JT, a student in your son’s grade, was accepted to a certain college, but your son was not, despite his better grades (or at least that’s what your son thinks).

Inappropriate Response: “This is absolutely ridiculous. You have worked too hard for JT to get in over you. Jeanette said his SAT score was at least twenty points lower than yours. There has to be a mistake, and we are going to fix this. I will call the school counselor in the morning.”

Appropriate Response: “Gosh, I understand how that might make you feel. It’s really hard when things don’t work out the way we envision them to. But let’s choose to focus on the schools that are really excited at the prospect of you becoming a student.”

THE SCENARIO: Erica, whose mom is the school’s volunteer “theater mom,” always gets the larger parts in the school shows. She’s not a very strong singer, and she’s also very braggy about the roles that she gets. Your own daughter has been passed over yet again, despite her stronger singing voice, kinder attitude, and dance experience.

Inappropriate Response: “Time and again the theater director gives the leads to the volunteer mom’s daughter. I swear, he picks favorites. How unfair! And Erica is so unkind to the other castmates and never remembers her blocking or lines. He is so swayed by and afraid of this powerful mom.”

Appropriate Response: “I totally get it. This is terribly frustrating. I remember the same thing happened to me in middle school, over and over again. There is always going to be ‘an Erica and her mom.’ Stay the course, show up on time, know your lines, be patient. Let’s talk about what you can do and what is in your control.”

The anxiety and hopelessness that can result from a negative view of reality will only add to the already difficult teen and tween years. Parents should be aware of the dangers of catastrophizing life events— both in teens and in themselves. This awareness will help in finding and discussing solutions to help their teens restructure their thinking to align more with reality.