The Parent Compass

Jared was determined to become a professional ballet dancer; the dancing bug bit him “late” in the game—after he was required to take a ballet class for his high school musical, A Chorus Line, when he was in tenth grade. Jared first showed up to his ballet classes begrudgingly, but he quickly discovered that he had a natural talent to leap, lift, and turn. He became intrigued by ballet and decided to enroll at a local ballet studio when A Chorus Line ended. Less than a month later, Jared was dancing six days a week and was cast as the lead in the spring ballet performance. He was also accepted to a summer ballet intensive on the other side of the country. After dancing all summer, Jared realized he wanted ballet to be more than just an after-school activity.

Once Jared learned that there is a peak success time for male ballet dancers, he didn’t want to miss his window of opportunity; he wanted to pursue his newfound passion full force. While he had always been a serious student, he knew that attending his college-prep high school would not allow him the training time he needed. After some coaxing via painting a logical argument of how well he had thought through his future divergence, he convinced his (open-minded) mom to support his decision to pursue a professional career in ballet. But this meant attending a more rigorous ballet program in another city and taking a different approach to his junior and senior years. He enrolled in online courses and local community college classes as a “dual-enrolled” high school student, meaning he concurrently earned both high school and college credit. He spent close to four hours a day commuting by bus to his new studio—seven days a week—and he worked tirelessly to make up for lost time. He also got a job at a local coffee shop to help cover transportation costs. This windy path led him to discover his dream of being accepted into a professional ballet trainee program, and with his mom’s support and the flexibility of community college, he was able to make it work. We applaud the parenting etiquette that Jared’s mom exhibited. She was willing to support her son’s interest—even if it meant veering from a direct path and traditional college route.

Not all teens blossom or mature at the same time and in the same way, and sometimes, life presents its roller-coaster twists and unexpected turns. While some students peak in high school, others don’t peak until well after it is over, when they have had a chance to grow up outside of their childhood homes and apart from their involved parents. We can all attest to the fact that life’s route from point A to point B is rarely a straight or direct line; ask anyone who has “arrived” at an academic or professional destination, and they will likely tell you that their journey tended to be indirect, curvy, and circuitous. The good news is that nowadays there are many alternatives to the traditional college route, which will be explored in this chapter. Parents, try to be open to these alternatives and whether or not they are the appropriate choice for your child; don’t remain stubbornly stuck on your hopes for a more traditional path that simply does not fit him.

“My teen is taking a gap year.” Ten years ago: a gasp. Sure, gap years used to be secret code for “My kid isn’t ready for college,” or, “My teen really needs some time to mature.” It was utilized by kids who didn’t do very well in high school and needed to get a restart or teens who wanted to build some life experience and “better” their academic coursework results in order to reapply to college. But today we are seeing a shift. While a proclamation that your kid is taking a gap year might not always be met with supportive curiosity, we do, in fact, see an increasing number of parents who applaud the choice of extra breathing space. It is now often seen as an opportunity for maturity coupled with time off of the academic grind—a time to allow teens to gain clarity and some idea of personal direction and focus.

And yes, there are still parents reluctant to go off of the beaten path, afraid that this less traditional route might somehow limit or harm their children. To those parents: we encourage you to be flexible. Observe this as an opportunity instead of a limitation for your high school graduate. Gap years can be the perfect antidote to burnout or college acceptance disappointment, among other things. With big businesses offering internships and outdoor education opportunities, gap year programs even provide some employment experience for new high school graduates. Embrace the gap year, if that’s what’s right for your child. Encourage your son or daughter to still apply to colleges as a high school senior, as it is easiest to apply then due to internal support from high school counselors and teachers. Once decisions arrive, in many cases, your teen can contact the college to request that her start date be deferred for a year, enabling her to pursue a gap year. Conversely, if the goal of the gap year is to create more college opportunities, then by all means apply again a year later to see if there will be more options after the gap year experience.

Jordan was in the middle of his class academically, completed an AP or honors class annually, participated on an athletic team, served a bit of community service, and was a part-time employee in the summer. But he was showing incredible signs of wear and burnout by the start of his junior year; he wasn’t even sure he wanted to apply to college. And he, his parents, and I all noticed it, as did his teachers and school counselor. Something had to change. When I introduced him to the idea of a gap year directly after high school, he was convinced that his parents wouldn’t go for it. But I thought otherwise. A quick phone call with Jordan’s mom and dad introduced them to this alternative route, and they subsequently met with the school counselor. Everyone agreed to get on board with the idea—for the sake of preserving Jordan’s mental health and high school sanity. Just the promise of a year off after high school was enough of a motivator for Jordan to push through the four-year grind and graduate from high school emotionally intact. He set realistic college goals at good-fit schools, since I had advised him to apply to college right out of high school and then defer a year (instead of trying to find the motivation to reapply after spending six to nine months clearing his head in the real world). After a year of combined travel, work, and some study, Jordan returned to college one year after his classmates—but now he was recharged and renewed, proof that the gap year had been the right choice for him. And lucky for Jordan, when his parents saw the results of his choice in plain sight, they were glad to have gotten on board.

Internships and travel can be done either before, during, or after college. Interning for a professor, doctor, or other professional businessperson is a great way for your high school graduate to gain some “real-world” experience and career exposure. Many students or pre-professionals complain that it is hard to get a job without experience, and it is hard to get experience without a job! As a parent this could be a helpful time for you to network with other adults in order to assist your teens in making connections. Following your parent compass certainly allows room for parent networking and introductions to help open some doors for your teen (just not getting a job for your teen and outright nepotism). Your teen needs to experience the application and interview process and earn the experience beyond the initial connection. Some students seeking internships resist the idea of family connections, but truly these connections simply open a small door for applicants; your teen still has to interview, apply, and win the position. While it is never a good idea for a teen to intern for a business that shares the same last name as yours or one at which you work, it is fine to make introductions with colleagues, friends, and relatives. Lucky for your teen, internships are not always difficult to obtain, as your teen is offering free assistance and a willingness to do menial tasks for anyone who wants help! And we all have to start somewhere. You can also offer your expertise toward your friends’ or co-workers’ kids in the form of an internship or even a job shadow, if there is a student that expresses an interest in learning more about your profession. Remember, following your parent compass allows door opening—just not pushing too hard.

Travel on either a Eurail Pass, around-the-world flight ticket, or through working as a teacher or nanny in a foreign country are more ways for students to gain exposure and experience in other cultures, with other languages, and with different customs. Travel can also get your teen out of her local bubble. Living, working, traveling, volunteering, or studying abroad is also a popular post-collegiate activity worth exploring. Whether with a national organization (like Plan My Gap Year, Projects Abroad, Abroadly, Global Leadership Adventures, Birthright, or Semester Abroad) or on her own, there are scores of programs and opportunities that your teen can research to afford her a more global experience. (For more opportunities and programs, see the Appendix.)

Many colleges admit new freshmen but defer them until the spring term. They encourage these new students to either participate in an overseas campus affiliated with the college during that first term, take approved semester-long classes at their local community colleges for transfer credit, or simply delay their arrival and fill the time how they choose. This mid-year delayed college arrival is not uncommon, and colleges choose to do this for a variety of reasons—both economical and logistical (to scatter freshman start times among other things).

Beth was admitted to a college program wherein she started in the fall at the university’s London program before heading back to the States for the second half of her freshman year and the rest of college. At first, she was disappointed at the thought of starting at the main campus later than her peers and in a non-traditional way, perhaps missing out on those exciting first days of bonding through school spirit and a newfound sense of freedom. Looking back on the experience, however, she was thrilled to have had it. She recalls: “I created amazing overseas memories in a dorm with thirty other classmates from all over the world with whom I could share these special memories. It was the best of both worlds for me. I got to basically build deeper relationships with these new people in an overseas setting. I wouldn’t change the way this worked out for me in any way.” Her parents were admittedly perplexed and disappointed for their daughter at the outset, but they tried to put on a positive face and support this alternative start date. However, as they helped Beth move into her on-campus dorm for the second semester of her freshman year, their daughter’s increased open-mindedness and self-confidence as a result of living abroad put them at ease. Parents, be flexible and accept alternative choices, views, and routes to those you may have taken a generation ago.

Jackie was determined to leave her home state of Texas to attend college in California. At just eighteen years old, she did not have financial support from her parents. Jackie had been saving up to realize her dream— since the young age of twelve—babysitting all over town. She found a job as a live-in nanny in California for a large family, packed up her car with all of her belongings, and drove herself to the Golden State. Jackie enrolled at a local community college, but unfortunately she ran into a snag: she was not yet a resident of California, so she was forced to pay out-of-state fees for her classes. But, Jackie pushed ahead—using all of her earnings to put herself through school—persevered, and eventually earned the grades to transfer into a university. Upon graduation, she landed her lifelong dream job as a wedding planner and moved to Las Vegas, where she has coordinated over 400 weddings to help others find their happily ever afters—just as she did.

At seventeen years old, Anne was in a terrible car accident. A distracted driver had run a red light, slamming into the rear of the driver’s side— exactly where Anne was sitting. Her memories of that night were minimal: flashing lights, weeping, voices that she couldn’t quite place. In the months that followed, Anne slowly rehabilitated, attending weekly physical therapy appointments, therapy for the trauma, and doctor’s appointments to monitor her slow progress. She often missed school to work these necessities into her day. But what took her out of school the most were the headaches. Anne had endured a serious concussion, resulting in debilitating headaches that typically occurred just a few hours into the school day. Unable to concentrate, she’d shuffle to the nurse’s office and wait for her mother to pick her up.

Not surprisingly, Anne’s grades suffered her junior year. A standout student before the accident, Anne struggled as she fell behind in every one of her classes. While she had accommodations, the incompletes piled up. Junior year bled into senior year, and Anne still hadn’t completed her eleventh-grade work well into the fall of twelfth grade— and all the while the headaches continued. It became clear that Anne needed to explore alternative options, giving herself time to heal before heading straight into a four-year university.

There are an abundance of reasons that going to community college makes sense for students in lieu of going right into a four-year university. Sometimes a teen simply needs better grades or proof that he can hack it in a classroom—better than he did in high school. Other times, the high cost of college prohibits students from starting a four-year college right out of high school, and community college provides an affordable way to rack up transfer credits to bring into college as a transfer student. And sometimes, like in Anne’s case, life just happens. Many community colleges even have transfer admission guarantee (TAG) programs with their state colleges. (Check if your state has TAG programs or the equivalent, or research the university you hope to attend so that you are sure to take courses that will transfer seamlessly for credit.)

3. Need to help at home by working, supporting a family member in need, or caring for siblings

4. Need to get some better grades slated than received in high school (late bloomer)

Author, producer, and television host of Discovery Channel’s Dirty Jobs and CNN’s Somebody’s Gotta Do It, Mike Rowe is outspoken on his support of alternative paths instead of college. He says, “I think a trillion dollars of student loans and a massive skills gap are precisely what happens to a society that actively promotes one form of education as the best course for the most people. I think the stigmas and stereotypes that keep so many people from pursuing a truly useful skill, begin with the mistaken belief that a four-year degree is somehow superior to all other forms of learning.”¹

If your teen does not want to take a traditional academic route to college and prefers to learn a skill that can be immediately productive in the marketplace, then a career college may be worth exploring. Career colleges provide pre-professional training and a license or certification in areas such as medical billing and coding, veterinary technology, health care, interior design, cosmetology, and hospitality, among other things. These privately owned, for-profit colleges prepare students for careers through a relevant, intensive curriculum. Unlike community colleges, where students take courses in multiple disciplines, career colleges usually focus on a main area of expertise that a student is trying to gain. Some do require academic courses, for example in English or history, while others relate every class to a specific job, business, or technical field. Your teen may want to study to become an Emergency Medical Technician (EMT), to begin a career in law enforcement, or to pursue firefighting. If accepted into those programs, students sometimes can get paid while training.

An apprenticeship, on the other hand, is a working relationship between a worker and employer where the employee learns a skilled trade through classroom work and on-the-job training. Apprenticeship programs can last anywhere from several months to a year or more. A person completing an apprenticeship generally becomes a skilled craftsperson in a particular trade. For example, some students like working with their hands and have the skill, patience, and temperament to become expert mechanics, carpenters, or electronics repair technicians. If your teen expresses interest in one of these professions and feels that traditional college isn’t for him (or that it isn’t for the time being), then explore the idea of an apprenticeship. Visit the Department of Labor’s Office of Apprenticeship website for more information.

What if your teen wants to work for the largest employer in the country? If your family has a history of relatives who have served in the military, then this is familiar territory and might be a less complicated choice for your teen. On the other hand, if military service is an unexplored career possibility for your teen, you will all have some homework to do through researching, asking questions of those who have served, and visiting a local military base. Once your teen has determined that the military is an avenue she wants to pursue, she has to determine which branch is right. Also, your teen should consider the following factors: length of enlistment, advanced pay grade, additional pay and allowances, and the ability to pursue higher education while serving or at the end of service. If your teen chooses to continue with processing for enlistment, she will need to take the Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery (ASVAB).²

Some students skip college altogether and go right into the workforce; we often hear stories of successful working college dropouts or those ready to go right into the working world with their skills and talents. Sometimes workforce jobs begin with paid or unpaid internships, where teens and young twenty-somethings start at the very bottom (in the mailroom, running coffee, or being a task rabbit) and the on-the-job training leads to more permanent entry-level positions. We have read news articles about many dropouts who go on to do great things without completing their college degrees; some have become celebrities such as Mark Zuckerberg, Steve Jobs, and Bill Gates. Others are in entertainment, like Ellen DeGeneres, Brad Pitt, or Oprah Winfrey. But many lesser known students have left school to pursue their passions or purposes. Dropping out of school takes courage and is not the straightest path to a traditional career: “More often than not, a successful college dropout is the exception and not the rule. The majority of America’s roughly 34 million college dropouts are more likely to be unemployed, in debt, defaulting on their loans, and impoverished.”³ So, we are not necessarily recommending going straight into the workforce, here, but we do want to point out that—of course—some students do choose to forego college or drop out after attending for a period of time in order to join the workforce sooner.

Q: My son didn’t do well in high school academically, made less-than-stellar impressions on his teachers, and really didn’t care about high school. His friends are getting college acceptances and he is not. Is it better for him to take a gap year or to attend community college and then try to transfer? Or try to get a menial job?

A: Not all teens bloom at the same time, as you may have just discovered through personal experience! Attending community college is a great way to boost confidence, get on track academically, and take general education requirements. It’s also an affordable alternative to college. Community colleges also serve as excellent pathways into four-year universities. A gap year is also a great choice for students who need to press the pause button, take a break from the grind of academics, and get some real-world experience. Many colleges even allow students to delay their admission for a year if a gap year is planned. Getting a job is another way to gain life experience and perspective—and can even result in a reverse effect of students hoping to get back to school sooner!