CONCLUSION:

WILL YOU EMBRACE YOUR PARENT COMPASS?

The other day, we witnessed something on social media that got us thinking. A mother posted to her Facebook page about how her daughter had been bullied. Apparently a young boy had hurled insults at her daughter behind the thin veil that technology provides these days—insults that are both appalling and too vulgar to repeat here, insults that cut to the core of a young teen as she is coming to realize her identity and mold her self-concept. Understandably, the mom was brokenhearted for her daughter, and she took to social media to plead for advice.

The overwhelming response was what blew us away. Parents supported her in droves, posting scores of empathic comments and suggestions, and all with the equal enthusiasm of a parent whose own child had instead been spurned. Comments continued to pop up over the course of the day, but the one commonality and the thread that wove each of them together: support. This hurting-for-her-daughter mom had a community around her, one that came swooping in with empathy as they shared similar stories, kindness as they offered words of encouragement, and sadness as they reflected on the difficult world that our teens must navigate. And as we thought about the message that we wanted to leave with you, our audience, the theme of community started to take up the lion’s share of that message.

Mold Your Community

During the course of our research for this book, we interviewed researchers from Challenge Success, who walked us through some of the results of their powerful surveys. We were especially intrigued by one in particular. It was a question that asked parents about the qualities that were most important to them when they explored colleges with their children. Only about one third reported that the US News & World Report rankings placed among their top three most important criteria. But interestingly, when they were asked to indicate the value that they thought their communities place on the same measure, 64 percent said that rankings were among the top three most important qualities in their communities.¹ Said another way, what we perceive as prevalent in our communities can be much the opposite of the way in which we characterize our own values and priorities. So what are we to do?

Fellow parents, be the change you wish to see. We’ll say it again: be the change you wish to see. There are so many other parents out there who desire to see some of the very same changes that you do. You’ve probably had casual conversations about those common complaints in line at the grocery store, during halftime at a football game, or after a PTA meeting. You have the power to form a community —to inspire others around you to throw in those orange (or yellow . . . or brightly multicolored!) earplugs—to practice presence, to praise the journey, to facilitate self-advocacy, to encourage downtime. Yes, that’s right: you have the power to mold your community and to redirect a path that has gotten alarmingly off track. As the saying goes, start locally and think globally.

Be Brave

But we are not saying that it will be easy. We recognize that the changes we are asking you to make seem big, and they maybe sound scary, but they are possible. You won’t get it right all the time, but you’ll try, and that’s all we’re asking. And so the other message with which we want to empower you is this: be brave. Be an upstander. Stand UP. Practice those things that you know will lead you to a healthier, more fulfilling life with your child. Prioritize your relationship, your sanity, and your child’s sanity over bragging rights at the next cocktail party or in your next Facebook or Instagram post (because, let’s be honest, others are just going to roll their eyes anyway). Seek solace in the fact that it is more about what your child does than where your child goes. Equip him to contribute to something valuable with his grit. And know that alongside the courage to change comes the possibility that you might be disliked or—gasp!—“unfriended” or “unfollowed.” You might spark debate, you might make other people uncomfortable, you might make them defensive. You might offend. You might even stand out at your child’s school to teachers, parents, or administrators who disagree or who want to continue doing things the old way. Yes. But you also might become part of a very important movement—a parent compass movement—that is seeking change for a generation of overstressed, over-programmed, and over-exhausted kids.

Remember when we told you that in four years, you, a parent of a thirteen- to seventeen-year-old, can age as much as twenty years? Well, won’t that aging be worth it when you can confidently say that you rolled up your sleeves—that you showed up, listened, tuned into your teen, and put in the work to foster grit, resilience, intention, work ethic, kindness, and humility in your future adult—and all of that in the face of the unique challenges that teenagers face today? And maybe you will even be able to say that you inspired other parents—your community— to do the same. You will be able to say with pride, fellow parent, that you truly embraced your parent compass.