“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo,
but what you want is someone who will
take the bus with you when the
limo breaks down.”
—Oprah Winfrey | @oprah
Billionaire media mogul, talk-show host,
actress, and philanthropist
Oh, the crazy times you can have with friends. While dudes rarely open up about what’s on their minds, women have the unique ability to stop what they’re doing and focus on nothing else. That’s so Oola.
Whether it’s a morning text that says all is right with the world . . . or a workday lunch to catch up on the news . . . or a major cryfest to process last night’s crisis, friends bring a dimension and sense of security to life that’s essential.
Historically, women have developed the instinct to connect. They’ve survived by forming alliances and staying emotionally close. While guys are doing the hunter-gatherer thing off by themselves, women are on speed dial trying to connect. It’s how you survive.
But you gotta get this friends thing right.
Toxic friendships, gossipy friends, needy friends, getting used by others—those situations keep you from living in bliss, pull you away from your purpose, and actually add more stress to your life.
To make sure your friendships are supportive, fun and strong, think of your relationships as a series of circles, just like the family circles in Chapter 5.
YOUR INNER CIRCLE
First, there’s your inner circle of your three to five closest friends—the ones you spend the most time with and the most energy on. These are the friends with whom you share virtually anything. These friendships have stood the test of time. You’ve seen the good (and the bad) from each other and decided to stay friends through it all. These inner-circle friends must be encouraging, supportive, and tuned in to what’s going on with you. You can trust their advice because they “get you”—they instinctively know what’s right for you because they’ve been your filter, your sounding board, and your cheerleader.
If your inner circle is made up of these types of friends, keep them close and appreciate them. Because you spend the most time with these friends (and call and text them the most), they influence you—and you influence them. As you set goals for the Friends area of your OolaLife, evaluate your inner circle.
Do you have the right people in your inner circle? Do you have toxic friends in your inner circle? The friends who make up your inner circle are vital to your OolaLife . . . choose wisely!
YOUR CREW
The next circle of friends is wider. It’s made up of people you know well—like those you hang out with at work, your neighbors, or other school moms you see every day. They’re usually based on mutual interest or forced interaction, but they can still provide fun times and a sense of connection.
Unfortunately, they also still have the power to cause drama in your life. Once again, invite and nurture the healthy friendships in your crew while fiercely keeping the toxicity and drama out.
YOUR ACQUAINTANCES
Lastly, there’s the outer circle: your social media connections, workplace buddies, your old high school friends, your husband’s tribe. While they may not be major influencers for you, they give life dimension and often provide random opportunities to expand what you’re doing in your career or personal life.
How many friends in each circle are enough?
The number doesn’t matter. The OolaGuru is pretty private. He’s solid with two to three inner-circle friends but doesn’t need too many people beyond that. The OolaSeeker, on the other hand, is more social. He gets super jacked connecting with old friends and is always open to meeting new people. Everyone’s different. You be you.
Of course, what does matter is the quality of these friendships. Toxic, jealous, negative, dramatic, gossipy, and manipulative people have no place in your OolaLife. They bring you down and can transfer their own misery and shortcomings onto you. Don’t let them in.
• • • •
SEEKING OOLA
TWENTY SECONDS OF COURAGE
by Angela Cardinal
Why am I not happy? I thought to myself as I drove home from work. I had a great husband, a good job, a roof over my head, and food on the table.
My daily commute was an hour each way. I used this time to take inventory of everything that was bad in my life. I needed to find the source of my anxiety and stress.
Could it be my student loans? Was it my job? As a special education teacher, taking care of children with autism and behavioral issues was stressful and at times dangerous. Was that it? As I stared at the bumper-to-bumper traffic in front of me, I smirked as I thought, Maybe it’s this commute!
That night, as I was getting into bed, I noticed the Oola book sitting on my nightstand. While it had been there for six months, I just hadn’t found the time to read it.
Maybe the answer is in this book, I thought to myself, picking it up and brushing off the dust. As I started to read, I realized I wanted to learn more. The book simplified this often-unfulfilling thing called life. I even downloaded the audiobook the next morning and listened to it on my commute. I listened to it over and over—hoping to find the answer to how I was feeling.
As the months passed, I felt more moments of peace but the anxiety and stress remained. I started to dig deeper into Oola by watching the OolaGuys on Facebook Live. One day when I was watching, they announced an OolaPalooza in Lexington, Kentucky. In my heart, I knew I needed to go.
That evening, I talked to my husband Jesse about me going to OolaPalooza. We looked at our finances to see if we could make it work. We looked at flights, but they were beyond our budget. I live in Northern Minnesota, and for fun I typed “Lexington, KY” into the maps app on my iPhone. It responded: 14 hours and 36 minutes drive time. Wow! We figured out that if I drove straight through I wouldn’t need a hotel. And if I packed my own drinks and sandwiches in a cooler, I could save money on food. The math worked and I bought my ticket.
I hopped in my 2005 Ford Taurus with 180,000 miles on it and headed south for Kentucky. Next to me in the passenger seat was a cooler packed with tortillas wrapped around bananas and peanut butter, ham and Swiss sandwiches, bottled water, and soda. The budget was tight, the ride bumpy and long, and the food very average—but I was excited!
Over fifteen hours later, I pulled up to my motel on the bad side of town complete with a strip club next door and perfectly timed emergency vehicles with sirens blaring—almost as if to welcome my arrival. I quickly understood why it had been so cheap.
The next day, I found myself sitting nervously front and center at OolaPalooza.
On the afternoon of Day One, the OolaGuys started taking us through the process of writing down dreams and goals for the 7 key areas of life—the 7 F’s of Oola. When we got to the sixth F, Friends, Dr. Troy asked us to write down our top three to five friends—the people we spend the most head space on. Then he asked us to look at each name and write down our first reaction to that friend.
“When you read each name,” he asked, “how do you feel?”
Going through the exercise, I got to the third name on my list: Megan. Right there and then, I simply lost it. I knew immediately that all my stress, my anxiety, my sadness—all of it stemmed from that one name.
I had met Megan six years earlier through a college friend, Drew.1 Drew was a close friend of my husband and me, and Megan was his new girlfriend. She soon became Drew’s wife—and one of my best friends. We were even in each other’s weddings. As couples, we did everything together. She was the one friend I talked to every day, and we hung out whenever we could.
So how could this best friend be the source of all my stress and anxiety? How could she be the reason for the tears flooding onto the paper in front of me?
Because she had an affair, left Drew, and created so much pain in the wake of her choices.
I was very angry with her, yet I didn’t know how to handle it. When Dr. Dave saw that I was crying, he walked over and asked if he could help.
I told him the whole story. He simply looked at me and suggested that one of my goals for Friends might be to forgive Megan and let her go from my life.
“You don’t have to agree with what she did, but you cannot continue to carry this burden and toxicity,” he said.
With sadness, I wrote down in my Oola journal:
Forgive Megan and release her as a friend.
Following OolaPalooza, I was exhausted. As I got in my Taurus for the long road trip back to Minnesota, I realized I would have a lot of “windshield time” to reflect on my life. My trip north wasn’t filled with excitement and anticipation like the trip south had been; it was filled with fear and worry. How was I going to tell Megan that she hurt me and that I didn’t want to be friends anymore? Was she going to be upset? Would I be able to get over this? How would this affect my husband’s relationship with Drew? Was it the right thing to do? I was having second thoughts.
When I rolled into Chicago, I pulled over to take a break along Navy Pier. I sat there looking out over Lake Michigan, eating a sandwich from my cooler. On the trails by the lake, I noticed all the people walking in the spring sunshine and hanging out along the water. They look so happy, I remember thinking. I wanted to have “happy” in my life again, too. In that moment, I decided not to wait until I got back to Minnesota but to call Megan right away.
During OolaPalooza, the OolaGuys had asked us to identify the one thing that was holding us back from making the necessary changes in our lives; then they challenged us to find “twenty seconds of courage” to handle it, resolve it, or release it. I found my twenty seconds and made the call.
Somewhere during that candid conversation with Megan, I felt the weight lift, the anxiety ease, and my heart open to happiness once again. I hung up the phone and called Drew—her ex-husband—to tell him what I had done. “We’re there for you,” I said, knowing my husband would have said the same. “We’ll help you through this terrible time.”
And that is what we did.
Over the next couple of months, as the distance from Megan became greater, our friendship with Drew grew closer. I started to see positive changes in all our lives. Drew forgave Megan and started the process of moving on. By removing a toxic friendship and showing forgiveness, I felt happy again. My mind was clear, I was looking forward, and I started to work on my other Oola goals. I got a new job closer to home. We got our debt under control, and—in a moment of pure joy—I found out that I was pregnant with our first child.
With all the positive changes happening, I didn’t think life could get any better. But I soon found out what a random gift in the mailbox can do.
As I went outside to collect the mail, like I do every day, I noticed a coral-colored envelope. It was addressed to me, but it didn’t have a return address in the corner. I quickly unsealed it and opened up a card, then skipped to the signature to see who had sent it. It was from Drew. He wrote:
There is nothing I could ever say that can express how much our friendship means to me. It’s not much, but I want to let you know that I bought you tickets for the next OolaPalooza. It’s a gift, so you can’t object. Please accept it as a small token of what you and Jesse have done for me.
Love, Drew
I cried happy tears. Letting go of a toxic friend was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But by letting go, I opened my heart for “happy” again. And it feels good.
• • • •
Unless you’re starring in a reality TV show and you need drama for ratings and the renewal of another season, your life and your time are too valuable to waste in drama-prone and toxic-filled relationships.
The old saying, “You are who you hang out with,” is so true. If you see toxicity in your inner circle, start now to clean that up and make room for endearing friendships and mentors who can create a healthy environment for you—as well as lifelong memories.
LIVING OOLA
DON’T GIVE UP THE GIRLS’ WEEKENDS
by Angie Frederickson
“I love you, my friends.” Somewhere between a smile and tears, I uttered those words and squeezed one last hug from each of them before we parted ways for various terminals at LaGuardia. It was the end of a girls’ weekend and we were all headed back to our individual real lives.
The weekend was perfect. Six best friends met in New York City to do what we do best: hang out, laugh, and reminisce. Twenty-plus years ago we met by chance when something drew us to the same college and we crossed paths. The universe must have known that we were perfect complements for each other, because those girls are still my dearest friends today. In fact, we are closer now than when we were in school together.
Getting the six of us together was no small feat. We are spread out all over the globe: Texas, Michigan, Illinois, Virginia, Connecticut, and even across the Atlantic in London. Choosing a weekend is like putting together an intricate puzzle. We have to work around dance recitals and soccer playoffs, kids’ birthdays and school fundraisers. After we eliminate all of the dates where responsibility trumps fun, we are maybe left with a Wednesday overnight, eighteen months from now.
Sometimes getting away seems like more trouble than it’s worth. Coordinating carpools and hometown logistics practically requires a mathematical algorithm to make it all happen. And then there’s the guilt of leaving behind husbands and children to do something for ourselves. Somehow, girls’ weekends feel selfish or even indulgent. It’s easy to just give up and put it off for another day.
But a girls’ weekend with old friends isn’t just a vacation. It’s a reality check with the people who know us best, and it’s what sustains us. We get so caught up in our daily lives at home where playground politics and neighborhood drama somehow seem really important. When you’re submerged in a world of suburban self-imposed busyness and keeping up with the Joneses, it’s hard to see anything else and there’s nothing like an old friend to put it all in perspective.
The six of us finally agreed on a weekend and booked our flights. As we shopped along the Upper East Side and strolled through Central Park, all of the things on our minds flowed effortlessly from our mouths. We retold old stories that still bring back great memories, and we laughed so hard that we feared our post-baby bladders would fail us. We recounted the most ridiculous things we have done, the stuff we stopped short of doing, and the things we really shouldn’t admit out loud. But we do, in our safe place where oversharing is the rule.
Manhattan was the backdrop for our time together but it could have been anywhere. It doesn’t matter where we go, because we just want to spend time together and channel our inner college girl. Remember her? She’s the gal who never let anything get in the way of watching Melrose Place with her roommates, and who knew that a great band playing at the usual bar was a perfectly good reason to blow off studying for an exam. She was only responsible for herself and she didn’t take things too seriously.
It’s easy to forget that free-spirited girl within, because she gets lost in today’s over-scheduling and family chaos. She did a lot more living in the moment, probably because she didn’t know any better, but I think she was onto something. That girl is still there; she’s just buried beneath maturity, practicality, and a few crow’s feet. Spending time with old friends brings her out of hiding and parades her around for a bit, and that’s a really good thing.
I cherish our girls’ weekends, no matter how infrequent, because they are the only time we get to spend together. Thanks to geography, I don’t know their new friends or their favorite restaurants. I don’t know my way around their houses, and I only know their children through photos and stories we tell over the phone. Each of us has built an entire life over the past two decades, and we know the highlights but not the specifics. Their new friends and neighbors have taken over as the keepers of their daily information.
But what old friends know is the soul of the true person underneath all of the daily details, and maybe that’s the best part to know. Despite our very different adult lives, with careers or lack thereof, and children of different ages and struggles, we are still the same girls we were twenty years ago. We just forget because responsibility landed squarely on each of our shoulders and dug in for the duration. A girls’ weekend is the reminder we need.
We were only in New York for forty-eight hours, but for those two days all was right with the world. The laughter and connection picked up right where we left off and reminded us of who we really are. Each of us headed home, armed with the strength to step back into the daily madness feeling a little more grounded.
Wherever your earlier tribe hails from—college, high school, summer camp, former co-workers—find your pre-mom gaggle of girls and embrace them, because they are your connection with a part of yourself you may have lost. Give them a call and start planning your next girls’ weekend.
• • • •
Laughing through road trips. Sharing confidences. Having a BFF who will listen and then set you straight. These are the kinds of friendships that add that special dimension to your OolaLife. But they can only happen when you’re intentional about the friends you include in your inner circle.
What’s our advice to having great friends and being a better friend yourself?
STAY CONNECTED. Technology makes it easy to stay in touch with inner-circle friends (and those in your other circles, too). One woman we know texts TFTDs—thoughts for the day—to her closest friends. These are inspiring, reassuring, or funny quotes she finds online that she knows will encourage a friend or make them laugh or just say, Hey, this is me helping you have a bad-ass kind of day.
But don’t just text or post. Log some genuine, in-person face time with your closest pals. Get together for lunch, meet at the mall, go on a road trip. Being a good friend means you have to invest in your friends even when you’re as busy as everyone else.
UNFRIEND, UNFOLLOW, DELETE. One of the most powerful exercises at OolaPalooza is when we ask women to write down their closest three to five friends, then decide whether these people enrich their lives or add to the stress level. Most attendees have a physiological reaction just reading their list—name by name—whether that friend brings a warm, fuzzy feeling or provokes dilated pupils and a cold sweat.
Toxic friends, BFFs who manipulate you, unreliable friends you just can’t trust—seriously consider what these people bring to your life, then decide whether to have a crucial conversation, move them to your outer circle, or unfriend them altogether. Getting to Oola takes hard work and focus. True friends want what’s best for you. They want to see you win. They are your fans, and you’re their cheerleader. Be bold enough to let go of those who are holding you back—and brave enough to seek out new friends who challenge you to be a better you.
We highly encourage you to do this same exercise: look at your inner circle of friends and decide if they are life-giving or life-sucking. In addition, look at how you are with your closest friends. Are you the toxic one? Do you bring drama to the party? If so, you had better fix this before sharing this book with your girlfriends—and having them unfriend, unfollow, and delete you.
REVERSE ENGINEER THE FRIENDSHIPS YOU WANT. If you know the kind of friends you want in your life—smart, successful, supportive people—why not take a look around and start plugging those people into your life? Look at the areas where you’re low. Find mentors for what you want to do. Get out and experience life by getting involved in new activities you’re interested in—you’ll find people there who can be lifelong friends while mentoring you along the way.
At the same time, be a great friend who other people will want to add to their lives. Enrich others. Be a good listener. Bring something to the picnic other than just a common interest.
1 Alternate names used.