Laziness is not necessarily what it seems: you can be very active and still achieve the goal of being lazy.
This was an obstacle for me. For the majority of my life, I lived with my parents – they are wonderful human beings! They drove me around to different sporting events so I could fulfil my athletic potential; they taught me admirable life values which I’ll take to the grave; they were always supportive mentally, financially and emotionally; and they maintained their patience and belief in me even through the difficult times (and there were plenty). The list could go on! I wouldn’t be who I am today without my parents.
But the simple fact is, I was treated like a king when I lived at home. All my meals were made, my washing was done, my car was always clean and the house was always spotless. I did help with the cleaning, but you get the picture – many things were done for me. My only responsibilities were to study and to consciously go after my Dream. I was very lucky.
When Magdalena and I began our life together, I was faced with a situation in which the fundamental duties of life – washing, cooking and cleaning – became my responsibility with Magdalena. The days of being a king were over.
My parents and I maintained our house like a museum; I was accustomed to impeccable tidiness. Magdalena, in comparison (again, an opposite!), doesn’t put the same emphasis on her environment. So, I had a dilemma. Who was going to maintain the living standards I was accustomed to? Who was going to prepare the meals? Me, of course.
I realised that I’d become reliant on the high living standard provided by my parents. Most importantly, the time I valued the most was my relaxation time, when I had no duties to perform. Relaxing time was the pinnacle of life for me! Can you see what happened here? The Dark Knight of Laziness had been created because of my upbringing and my living environment.
In my current home with Magdalena, I spend most days wandering around the house trying to maintain the standards I was brought up with – so I can rest! So I can be lazy! My motivation for cleaning is to be able to rest. What the Dark Knight of Laziness doesn’t know is that there will always be something to clean. A clean home is impermanent: there will never be a time when everything is done and I can rest. That’s an illusion.
The Dark Knight is trying to recapture my childhood experiences in my present life. It found a so-called ‘peace’ in doing nothing, and it hasn’t abandoned those experiences. It received such great enjoyment in watching films and relaxing; therefore, it identified those experiences as ‘happiness’, and is unwilling to relinquish them.
The Dark Knight of Laziness can also come in the form of lazy thoughts and excuses to avoid change. It’s looking for security: ‘Oh, I can’t be bothered to find a new job. I’ve had this job for fifteen years, I get paid a good salary, and it’s secure. It’s too hard to rewrite my curriculum vitae – I’ll stay where I am.’
The Dark Knight of Laziness is looking for happiness in comfort, and will avoid challenges. What it doesn’t understand is that happiness can be found in the unknown. The Sri Lankan Buddhist monk always highlighted the responsibility of an individual to distinguish between eternal and finite realities. For example: change is an eternal reality. All things that exist will change. But if you purchase a brand-new car and it makes you feel wonderful, those wonderful feelings will eventually disappear. They are finite, and vulnerable to negative influences. Therefore, change is a good investment into your future, because you know it will happen. An eternal reality is absolute, and cannot be influenced by the Dark Knights or any other destructive forces. An example is causality (cause and effect) – see chapter 7. Whatever you give energy to will grow. If you love your garden, and you look after it, your flowers will eventually flourish. Consequently, you can make a very good prediction and therefore find security in the unknown, because you know that wherever you invest your time daily will pay dividends.
What you do every day, will build into tomorrow!
EXERCISE 22: EXAMINING YOUR THOUGHTS OF AVOIDANCE
In the first column of the table on page 131, record the areas of your life in which you either try to avoid your commitments or where you search for security. When do you find yourself desperately wanting unnecessary rest? Please be honest.
Now write the opposite thoughts in the second column. The opposite thoughts will often involve taking a shortcut that may seem like a good idea but doesn’t work in reality.
Example situation: A mother dearly loves her eighteen-year old son. Knowing that he loves to gamble, she decides to pay his rent for the next six months in order to relieve his monthly expenses and give him financial independence.
The paradox: Unfortunately the son sees his mother’s generosity as an opportunity to splurge on the horses. He spends all his income and his mother’s rental money with his losses. His future financial security remains even more uncertain.
The opposite thoughts: A mother dearly loves her eighteen-year old son. Knowing that he loves to gamble, she decides to restrict access to his bank account so he doesn’t over withdraw it. He borrows money from a friend in order to gamble.
The paradox: The son resents his mother’s attempt to stop him gambling and borrows even more money from his friend.
Possible middle path solution: The mother identifies that her son’s love of horses is partly driving his gambling, and she advises him to develop a career in horse racing. Her son eventually has a wellpaid career which he loves, and he has enough money to secure his financial future. He no longer feels the urge or the financial need to gamble.
Possible paradox meaning (see chapter 4 for an introduction to paradox meanings): The mother’s investment to protect her son from being financially destroyed by his attraction to gambling only created more uncertainty. Now he works in the horse-racing industry but no longer feels the need to gamble.
Her original aim was to give him financial independence. She identified a possible middle path solution, and now he has a lucrative career that he loves.
Example situation: Currently your work does not satisfy you. You have always dreamt about becoming a writer, but you are afraid to reduce your working hours and begin your book, because you will lose income.
The paradox: The company you work for goes bankrupt, you lose your job and income. Now you have plenty of time to write your book, and discover your ideal career; although, your financial future is not secure.
The opposite thoughts: You decide to quit your job and apply for unemployment benefits so you can fully concentrate on your book.
The paradox: You struggle to focus on your writing because you are worried about meeting your financial commitments, so you end up taking another full-time job. With so much to learn in your new position, there is now even less time for writing during your time off.
Possible middle path solutions: You find a new part-time job that pays the rent, and gives you enough time to write your book. Your book becomes a success, and your writing eventually generates as much income as your old job, plus now you’re doing something you love.
Or: You stay in your full-time job because your family can’t do without any drop in your income, and you commit to writing a realistic number of words a week. Within a year you have formed a writing circle and are getting vital feedback on your first draft. Now you enjoy your day job more because you have committed to a regular writing practice in your own time. Your happiness impacts on your family.
Possible paradox meaning:
Your sense of well-being and your income can increase beyond your imagination, if you love what you do.
| Thoughts of avoidance | The opposite thoughts |
Your middle path solutions:
What is the paradox meaning, or personal lesson, to take away from this exercise?
Finding false comfort in the familiar can ultimately result in depression. Perhaps you thought you were making the sensible choice by taking the safe option? But really you were prolonging the inevitable. Nothing is permanent. Your life is in a constant flux of change, and even though your past experiences gave you joy, it is impossible to perfectly recapture the same moments again. If happiness is what you seek, it may be found in the unknown.
Step 1: This is an action plan that requires you to be very honest with yourself.
Choose a situation in which you are avoiding taking action, or exhibiting lazy behaviour. For example, each time you research new career paths on different recruitment websites, you experience feelings of anxiety and a fear of the unknown – specially with your financial security and responsibilities. You decide to continue with your unfulfilling work. It is safe and pays well.
Step 2: Now write down the opposite of this behaviour. You have been considering resigning from your current job because it doesn’t satisfy your career goals anymore. The work is monotonous and you are not utilising all your skills. You dedicate every spare moment to finding the right job for you, which feels like a job in itself. This causes you an unbelievable amount of stress and anxiety.
Step 3: Reconcile the two opposites by finding a middle path solution. Create a safe but challenging action plan. Divide the action plan into slow attainable steps with dates and results. This is a difficult exercise, so practice good self-care. Remember, there is no failure, only an improved outcome for yourself.
For example, you are aware that you can’t continue this career forever or you will become depressed. Consequently, you commit to a self-accountable action plan where you apply for two new positions each month; while, limiting the amount of time you take to research the job market. Perhaps, after a few months, you will feel able to apply for three positions a month until you find the position you want.