Your sexual organs and their functioning during the sexual experience comprise an awesome and beautiful system. The intricate details of this sexual response have been measured by Masters and Johnson and categorized into four phases: excitement, plateau, orgasmic, and resolution.
These responses may occur due to sexual intercourse; to manual, oral, or self-stimulation of the genitals; intense hugging; deep kissing; petting; fantasy; visual input; or any love play. Sexual intercourse is not necessary for full sexual release, nor does sexual intercourse guarantee full sexual release. This is vital information, especially for understanding the difference between sexual feelings and behavior as it relates to your sexual decisions and responsibility.
As you read the following discussion of what happens in your bodies during each of the four phases of the sexual response pattern, note any of the responses you are aware of or assume have happened to you. Also note any of the responses that you believe are difficult for you or have not happened. Share your thoughts with each other.
THE EXCITEMENT PHASE—AROUSAL
The excitement phase, the first stage of the sexual response pattern, occurs involuntarily without any stimulation when you are relaxed or asleep. The excitement phase may precede sexual desire—the urge to be close physically or to be stimulated sexually— but is more likely to result from stimulation. For both the man and the woman, the changes of the excitement phase are due to vasocongestion (blood and fluid rushing into the sexual organs).
Female Excitement
The clitoris is most important for the woman during the excitement phase. It becomes engorged with blood the same way the penis does. It doubles or triples in size as blood and fluid rush into its venous spaces.
The clitoris, the only organ in the human anatomy designed solely for receiving and transmitting sexual stimuli, confirms that God designed women to be intensely sexual beings, not just “vaginas” that are recipients of the man’s sexual aggression. Physiologically, pleasure is the clitoris’s only function. The woman, not the man, was created with the clitoris. Consider this fact very seriously as you begin your sexual life together. It should affect how you make love, how the woman feels about herself as a sexual being, and how the man relates to her sexually. Couples who are aware of the unique importance of the clitoris rarely fall into the “passive woman versus aggressive man” mentality that leaves the woman unfulfilled in the sexual act and the man unhappy with the woman’s lack of involvement.
Intense pleasure and pain are closely related in our bodies. Those areas, such as the clitoris, that are loaded with nerve endings are most receptive to pleasure and, for the same reason, most receptive to pain. As the woman’s arousal moves to intense pleasure, the clitoris becomes so sensitive she can readily experience clitoral pain, especially if the stimulation is directly on the head of the clitoris, too intense, or continues too long. That is why it is vital to understand that most women prefer stimulation around the clitoris rather than directly on the head. Most women also prefer the stimulation to vary in intensity, and they respond better if their arousal is allowed to build in waves with intermittent, rather than continuous, stimulation of the clitoris. A lighter, teasing touch satisfies most. Ultimately what works best is if the woman is the authority on her own body and guides her husband in clitoral touch. There is no way he can automatically know what is going to be most pleasurable.
During the excitement phase, other changes happen in the woman’s body. The labia minora (inner lips) become engorged and extend outward while the labia majora (outer lips) spread flat as if the genital area is opening up to receive the penis. As the arousal builds, the woman’s genitals take on a slight funnel shape in preparation for penile entry.
Internally, the uterus begins to pull up and away from the vagina; this pulls the cervix out of the way so the penis will not strike against it during thrusting. However, this preparation does not occur when the woman has a tipped uterus; the cervix does not get out of the way of the penis. That is why it can be struck, causing a sharp, stabbing pain during deep thrusting.
The vagina lubricates within twenty seconds of any form of sexual stimulation. The lubrication is secreted like beads of perspiration along the wall of the vagina to make the entry of the penis into the vagina a smooth and comfortable activity. Even though lubrication is the sign of physical readiness, only the woman can determine when she is emotionally ready for entry. The involuntary response of lubrication cannot be triggered by will or determination. Anxiety or pressure to perform is likely to hinder lubrication, so during your sexual encounters we recommend using a lubricant. Many different lubricants are available. K-Y Jelly is water-based, so it dries easily but is latex compatible. Albolene (a facial cleanser) is very good but not recommended for use with a diaphragm or condom. Natural oils are also popular. Products designed especially for sexual intercourse that will not interfere with the effectiveness of condoms and diaphragms include Probe, Liquid Silk, Astroglide, and many others.
The breasts also change during the initial excitement phase; nipple erection is the most obvious response, and general engorgement causes a slight increase in breast size. The areola, the area around the nipple, usually darkens and becomes slightly engorged, especially as the woman’s excitement intensifies. We have received letters from engaged women who were concerned about this change in their nipples as they became aroused or felt chilled. They wondered if this change in their nipples would be negative for their husbands. On the contrary, men are usually excited by the woman’s nipple erection.
Male Excitement
The penis is the primary receiver and transmitter of sexual sensations in the man. The penile response of erection is parallel to clitoral engorgement and vaginal lubrication in the woman. It is that involuntary response that occurs throughout the day and night and can be brought about by sexual thoughts or by direct or indirect stimulation of the penis itself. Erection is necessary for intercourse, so men who have had difficulty with arousal or loss of erection worry about their ability to respond.
Erections can easily be interrupted by negative or nonsexual stimulation such as the telephone ringing, a loud noise, a negative thought, a special concern, a harsh word, or a critical comment. Erections can be lost and regained when relaxation and freedom allow that response. This is likely to happen during extended love play, yet erections can also be maintained for extended periods of time without ejaculation. The latter is most likely to occur when the stimulation is varied and the intensity of the experience flows in waves.
In addition to the penis becoming erect as blood and fluid rush into it, the scrotum thickens and elevates slightly. The man, as well as the woman, may experience a sexual flush in the upper third of the body. Nipple erection occurs in about 60 percent of men.
THE PLATEAU PHASE
The plateau phase is the phase that varies most in length; it can last a few minutes or continue for hours. It all depends on how quickly each individual responds and what the couple desires. The plateau phase includes all the bodily changes that happen from the time of arousal until orgasm.
The changes that occur during the plateau phase are due to the buildup of tension and increased congestion in the genitals. When a long, extended period of love play occurs, this buildup of intensity will usually result in repeated waves of heightened arousal and then relaxation. They may continue as long as the partners give each other and themselves the freedom to ride these waves; then the intensity with one of the waves will build to the point of automatically triggering an orgasm.
Male Plateau
Externally, the penis becomes slightly more engorged and deeper in color during the plateau phase while the glans, or head, of the penis increases in diameter. The scrotum also thickens and elevates more. Fluid containing sperm may seep from the penis during the plateau phase before the point of ejaculation; that is why withdrawal of the penis from the vagina before ejaculation is not a reliable method of birth control.
Internally during this phase the testes enlarge 50 to 100 percent. The right testicle rises and rotates a quarter turn. Near the end of the plateau phase as the man nears the point of orgasm, three changes warn him that he is about to ejaculate. The left testicle rises and rotates a quarter turn, the prostate gland contracts, and the sphincter from the bladder shuts off so no seminal fluid will be forced into the bladder and no urine will be expelled during ejaculation. No man can identify these specific changes, thinking, for example, There goes the left one, but he can sense that he is about to ejaculate. The seminal fluid is traveling to the base of the penis.
Once these changes have occurred, the process is in motion. The man is approaching ejaculatory inevitability, the point of no return (see graph, p. 20). He will ejaculate! If a man wishes to learn to delay his ejaculation, he must gain control prior to these physical changes.
Female Plateau
As the sexual experience progresses, more and more is happening internally for the woman, and less is occurring externally. This fact symbolizes women’s more internal experience, in contrast to men’s more external, obvious response.
The slight external changes include the increase in size and brightening in color of the labia minora a minute or two before orgasm. The Bartholin’s gland just inside the labia secretes one to three drops of a substance designed to enhance impregnation by changing the pH balance of the vagina. At the same time, the clitoral glans retracts under the clitoral hood, allowing more direct stimulation.
Internally, many significant changes must occur for the woman before her intensity will be strong enough to trigger an orgasm. The uterus, which began to elevate during the excitement phase, now elevates even more. The nonerotic upper two-thirds of the vagina expands or balloons to hold the seminal fluid for impregnation; this area is known as the seminal pool. The outer third of the vagina becomes intensely engorged to form the orgasmic platform. Some women are aware of the pleasurable vaginal grasping response as arousal during the plateau phase intensifies. These bodily changes verify that the woman’s sexual response was designed for both reproduction and pleasure.
Male and Female Transition from Plateau to Orgasm
The specific changes that happen for both men and women during the transition from plateau to orgasm usually go relatively unnoticed. There is the involuntary extension of the foot called the carpopedal spasm. Both the heart rate and the blood pressure increase. Involuntary pelvic thrusting occurs as arousal approaches orgasm, and general muscular tension builds with spasticlike contractions.
More obvious changes also occur. The skin flushes in the chest, neck, and face—almost a blushing effect due to the widespread vasocongestion. Facial grimaces are common because of the involuntary contracting of the facial muscles. Gasping or moaning responses are due in part to hyperventilation (heavy breathing), which is virtually inevitable and necessary for both men and women in order to be able to orgasm. Women who have difficulty with orgasm usually stop these intense gasping, grimacing, and breathing responses because they feel self-conscious. Yet these changes are necessary for both men and women to make the transition from the plateau phase to the orgasmic response, and men enjoy these responses in their wives.
THE ORGASMIC PHASE
The orgasmic phase is the shortest and most intense of the four phases. It is a reflex response that lasts only a few seconds. You cannot choose to respond with an orgasm as you can choose to bend your elbow, but you can control or inhibit the response by stopping the natural, involuntary responses in your body. Or you can enhance the possibility of an orgasmic response by becoming active and pursuing genital stimulation—penile thrusting for the man and clitoral and/or vaginal stimulation for the woman.
As the intensity builds, the tension increases to the point at which the orgasmic reflex is set off. The autonomic, or involuntary, nervous system has switched control from the relaxed branch (the parasympathetic) to the active, fight-or-flight branch (the sympathetic). Thus, the more active you are, the more your body is encouraged to respond orgasmically (which is usually what the woman needs); and the quieter and more passive you are, the more your response is slowed down (which is usually what the man needs). Since orgasm is a reflex, a person who actively receives enough stimulation will eventually be orgasmic.
Female Orgasm
All the significant orgasmic changes in the woman take place internally. Because those responses are not obvious, there has been much confusion about women’s orgasmic response.
Internally, the woman has two centers of orgasmic response, the uterus and the vagina. The uterus contracts similarly to the way it contracts during the early stages of labor. (This is why doctors rule out orgasm when a woman is threatening to miscarry or go into early labor.) Sometimes women resist these contractions because they are experienced as slightly painful, but as women learn to focus on the intense pleasure of the contractions, they become highly enjoyable. Intense pleasure and pain are so close that the switch from one to the other is very possible. The second internal response center is the outer third of the vagina—the orgasmic platform. The contractions of the PC (pubococcygeus) muscle that surrounds both the vagina and the rectal sphincter occur eight-tenths of a second apart, with three to five contractions in a mild orgasm and eight to twelve contractions in a more intense orgasm. These uterine and vaginal responses happen simultaneously.
Because the clitoris is retracted completely under the hood during orgasm, the woman may need very direct clitoral stimulation at that particular time. She can develop signals to communicate that need to her husband.
Male Orgasm
The man’s orgasm is experienced in two stages. In the first stage, the internal genitalia respond a few seconds before ejaculation. The contractions of these internal structures—the seminal duct system, the prostate gland, the rectal sphincter, and the urinary bladder—occur at intervals of eight-tenths of a second just as they do in the woman. These contractions move the ejaculate to the base of the penis, preparing it for the ejaculation.
During stage two, the seminal fluid carrying the sperm is expelled. This is the ejaculation. Having reached this point of ejaculatory inevitability, nothing can stop this response; it is, indeed, inevitable. The contractions at the base of the penis that cause the expulsion of the seminal fluid also occur at intervals of eight-tenths of a second. For the average male, a standard ejaculation contains 3.5 to 5 cubic centimeters of ejaculate (about 1 teaspoon) and 175 to 500 million spermatozoa.
Orgasmic Differences Between Men and Women
Women’s orgasmic responses seem to differ greatly from one experience to another and from one woman to another. Men seem to be more similar in their orgasmic responses. This may be due to the wide range of the contractions during orgasm for women (from three to twelve) and their capacity for having more than one orgasm.
Women have a physiologically unlimited potential for orgasms; they are limited only by their desire, their pursuit, and their stamina. In contrast, men, except for a very small percentage, need a refractory period of at least twenty minutes—and usually hours—before they can regain arousal, erection, and ejaculation. As a man ages, the refractory period increases. It also seems that the more frequently a man ejaculates, the longer it takes until he is able to be restimulated.
Even though women have unlimited potential for orgasms, many women struggle to even experience one. And not all women desire more than one response. Some women have extended orgasms. These are orgasms that come one right after another with no refractory period. Other women have multiple or sequential orgasms. These women respond orgasmically, have a slight refractory period, then respond again with another orgasm.
The woman’s orgasm can be interrupted at any point; the man’s cannot. Once the man has reached the point of ejaculatory inevitability, nothing can be done to stop it; the reflex is in motion. Because of this irreversibility, women have often been taught they should not arouse a man because once a man is aroused he cannot control his behavior. This just is not true! Men are responsible for their own sexual behavior just as women are. Ejaculatory control—learning to gain control before the point of no return—is a separate issue that also can be learned.
The longer the time between sexual releases, the greater the difference between men and women’s timing of sexual response. If the sexual experience is the first one in a long time, a woman will tend to be slower in her response and will experience less intensity in her release, while a man will tend to be quicker in his arousal and release and experience more buildup and intensity. We believe this tendency—to go in the opposite direction— is one more indication that couples were designed to be together and to experience sexual release on a regular basis.
While women experience difficulty with and pressure to be orgasmic (the active phase of the sexual response cycle), men’s pressure is with getting or keeping erections (the passive phase of the sexual response cycle) or with ejaculating too quickly. This is likely because men tend to be active during sex and women tend to be passive. If you wish to prevent these difficulties, both of you would do well to learn to enjoy both passively receiving pleasure and actively pursuing pleasure.
THE RESOLUTION PHASE
During this final phase of the sexual response, the body returns to its unstimulated state. Both the man and the woman experience the sensation of tension loss due to the release of engorgement and the diminishing of vasocongestion.
Male Resolution
In the male, the most obvious sign of resolution is the lessening of his erection. For most men, the full, firm erection will diminish immediately, but it may take some time for the penis to return to its prestimulated, flaccid state. A question that was asked during a premarital class relates to this issue: “Is it possible to stay hard after ejaculation, continue making love, and ejaculate again?” A few men report the ability to do that, and sexual therapists Alan and Donna Brauer, in their book ESO, suggest possible ways to enhance that possibility.2 We would discourage a focus on reaching this goal, especially early in your sexual life. Goals such as this usually take away from the pleasure and create demand.
During resolution, some men experience heightened sensitivity, even pain, on the glans of the penis. If you should find that to be true for you, rather than draw away from your wife and leave her feeling rejected, inform her of this sensitivity and your need not to have any penile touching after ejaculation. You can hold and affirm each other without penile contact.
Men often feel relaxed and fall asleep quickly after an orgasm. This can be frustrating to the woman who may come down off her orgasm more slowly and desire a time of intimacy through conversation and touch. On the other hand, if the woman has experienced an intense orgasm or enough orgasmic release she, too, may fall asleep quickly.
Female Resolution
If the woman has been aroused but has not experienced release, she may feel the continued tension or engorgement for some time after the sexual experience. This can be frustrating for the woman, sometimes causing involuntary crying.
From a physiological perspective, we understand this crying to be the body’s way of releasing the tension that did not get released orgasmically. Crying triggers the parasympathetic-nervous-system dominance, which helps the woman relax. When the couple can hold each other and share this crying release, the woman will eventually become more comfortable letting go with her husband and be able to allow an orgasmic release.
After an orgasm, the woman’s clitoris returns to its pre-stimulated size within five to ten minutes. It takes about the same time for the labia minora and labia majora to return to their unstimulated size, position, and color. The uterus drops back into its original position relatively quickly after orgasm. The vaginal wall collapses within five to eight minutes while the congestion in the outer third of the vagina disappears in seconds.
When the woman has not had an orgasm, it will take longer for all of these changes to occur because the engorgement is released gradually. There have been no contractions to trigger the release. The greater the number of contractions, the more quickly the woman’s body returns to its prestimulated state. During the resolution phase, you have the opportunity to affirm your intimacy regardless of the physical fulfillment that has been experienced. Some couples like to fall asleep together, others like to talk and cuddle, and still others like to get up and do something active together. Discover together what you enjoy. If your desires for handling the resolution time are different, negotiate those differences: One time go his way, another time her way, and sometimes compromise on both ways.
Why do some couples have simultaneous orgasms and some don’t? Isn’t that the best kind of sex?
Simultaneous orgasms are far from necessary for a fully satisfying sexual relationship, and striving for that goal will cause more trouble than it is worth, creating one of those demands that destroy pleasure. A husband and wife may incidentally orgasm at the same time, particularly if the wife has more than one orgasm, but it often is more enjoyable to orgasm separately and enjoy the intensity of each other’s experience.
How does a woman know if she has had an orgasm?
Usually you will know by how you feel afterward. When you have had release, you feel the relaxation after the buildup of the sexual tension in your body. If not, you will feel the frustration or alertness of not having had release. An orgasm is basically a pelvic sneeze. Consider how you feel when your nasal passages are congested and you need to sneeze but you can’t. That is the same feeling that occurs in the pelvic area when you have gotten aroused but have not had an orgasm. Another analogy shared by a person in one of our classes is that an orgasm can feel like opening up a well-shaken can of soda. However, we might add that orgasms are not always that intense.
Can a man stimulate a woman in such a way that she will always have an orgasm?
No, it is not the man’s responsibility to assure a woman of an orgasm. There are definitely techniques he can learn that will be more enjoyable for her than others. The woman has to learn about her body and teach her husband what she needs to become stimulated. She also has to learn to be active in going after the stimulation she desires. In turn, he has to learn to enjoy her body for his pleasure without focusing on whether he is producing a response. His focus on her response will produce demand, not an orgasm.
What if the woman cannot have an orgasm during intercourse?
Although any woman can learn to be orgasmic during intercourse, if that’s what she desires, the majority of women do not have orgasms during intercourse. Most women respond orgas-mically to manual and/or clitoral stimulation. There are other women who respond during intercourse and still others who respond either way. Orgasmic response during intercourse can be stimulated by touching the clitoris or by stimulating the G-spot, an area in the vagina just beyond the pubococcygeus (PC) muscle toward the front of the woman’s body. All variations are delightful ways of receiving sexual pleasure and release and have nothing to do with rightness or sexual maturity. What is right is what works for you!
If you have never had an orgasm, how do you get one?
There are entire books written on this topic. The one we recommend is Becoming Orgasmic by Julia Heiman and Joseph LoPiccolo.3 We also have outlined a whole process for that purpose in our book Restoring the Pleasure.4 Basically, there are four simple steps: stop trying, focus on pleasure, reduce self-consciousness, and get active. The goal you can set for yourself is to enjoy longer times of arousal and higher peaks of arousal. Eventually the orgasmic reflex will be triggered.
What if the woman hasn’t reached orgasm and the man gets to the point of no return?
The man can continue to stimulate the woman after he ejaculates. Or the two of you can prevent this from happening by enjoying a longer time of stimulating the woman both before and during intercourse and teaching the man to delay ejaculation. All of these are satisfactory options.