By reading and sharing this book, you have already begun the process of opening your sexual inner worlds to each other. Whether or not this is your first sexual intercourse experience, there are specific steps you can take to make that first time after your wedding an event that is associated with lasting positive memories. In this chapter we’ll discuss those important preparations.
PREPARE YOUR MINDS
Your most influential and positive sex organ is your mind; it controls your body, how you think about sex, how you feel about sex, and how your body responds to sex. What is your mind-set toward sex in marriage? In the following pages we’ll discuss five basic attitudes we hope you have already acquired. If these attitudes are not representative of your mind-set about sex and marriage, we hope you will attempt to integrate these into your way of thinking.
Sex Is Good and of God
Sex was God’s idea. God created us male and female in His image (Gen. 1:27–28). And when God completed His work of creation, He looked at His work and was pleased. It was good! So our sexuality, our differences and uniqueness as men and women, are part of God’s perfect, sinless design for us. Then God instructed men and women how they were to live with one another. He told the man to leave his mother and father and become one with his wife. This was the instruction to consummate their physical relationship—to become one physically, emotionally, and spiritually (Gen. 2:24). This sexual union was part of God’s perfect design for mankind.
Sexual Curiosity Is Natural
As human beings grow from infancy to adulthood, it becomes evident that God’s design of our sexuality includes a natural pursuit of sexual discovery. Your interest in knowing each other sexually is completely natural. There is no need to feel guilt or shame or embarrassment while exploring one another as a married couple. The freedom to become comfortable and familiar with each other will grow gradually for some. Others will be unashamed of their curiosity about each other right from the start. Be sensitive to your individual needs in that regard, and be sensitive to each other’s needs for privacy, as well as for familiarity. As Paul Popenoe wrote in Preparing for Marriage:
The change from the restrictions of the engagement period to the freedom of marriage is, in many cases, made too rapidly. There is a gap which must be bridged over carefully, by a steady process of mutual education and adjustment during the engagement, and by continuing this uninterruptedly after the wedding. The inherent tendency of all male animals to delight in exhibiting themselves must be repressed, particularly on the wedding night and during the early part of the honeymoon, if a modest and sensitive bride is not to be distressed.1
Popenoe’s book was originally written in 1938 and was the marriage manual we used in preparation for our marriage. In preparing to write this book, we went back to look at both current and original manuals, and this book continues to amaze us with its relevancy.
Many of the unconsummated marriages we see in sexual therapy started with the bride tensing up on her wedding night when her husband surprised her with his nude body and a full erection.
It would be best to assume your curiosity about each other on the wedding night will begin with the degree of openness you have experienced with each other before marriage. Gradually continue learning to know more about each other as you grow in trust and familiarity after marriage. Eventually, it will be helpful to your sexual relationship to become specifically familiar with each other’s genitals and teach each other about the genital touching that is most pleasurable to you.
Sexual Responsiveness Is Inborn
Your bodies confirm the perfect design of God’s creative power. Your responsiveness demonstrates the beauty of how your bodies have been set in motion sexually.
Sexual responsiveness is an involuntary response. It is not an action you can will or make happen by a mental decision. But it is a response you can allow to happen by a positive, sexually assertive attitude.
You can encourage this response in your marriage by honoring the fact that both of you were born as sexually responsive people and that sexual responsiveness is to be fulfilled in marriage. Both of you have the privilege of enjoying one another’s body to go after that fulfillment. That will work only if sexual enjoyment is pursued for both of you. It must be kept mutual.
The potential for sexual responsiveness is equal for men and women. Physiologically, men are no more or less sexual than women. Men and women have been designed with equal capacity for sexual pleasure and release.
In our society a prevailing attitude about men and women contradicts this concept of equality and causes a lot of destruction in marriage. It assumes that men are more sexual than women and that men have a need and a right for sexual release whether or not the woman does; thus, according to this attitude, the role of the wife is to sexually please her husband. Sexual pleasure in this view is not something the woman seeks out, but rather is something she provides for her husband. It is her job to increase his feelings of masculinity and control and to let him use her body for his pleasure, but not to expect that for herself. This sense of duty for a woman to have sex to keep her husband satisfied and at home doesn’t work. The wife who is involved sexually only to please her husband without going after sexual enjoyment for herself eventually ends up with a husband who is not pleased. As sex becomes a task rather than a pleasure, she becomes less and less responsive, and sexual encounters become an event she dreads. The husband senses her absence of vitality and becomes anxious about her lack of involvement but often doesn’t understand what went wrong. Tension and distance build.
This is not an inevitable scenario, however. Pursue your natural responsiveness with vigor but never at the expense of one another.
Sexual Responsibility Belongs to Each Person
Sexual responsiveness has to do with sexual feelings and desires. In contrast, sexual responsibility has to do with the choices you make about those feelings. It is natural to have sexual feelings toward people of the opposite sex at various times throughout life. It is your responsibility not to pursue those feelings or actions with anyone other than your spouse. Sex is not something that happens to you. You can choose to not act on your sexual feelings toward anyone other than your spouse, and you can choose to be sexual with your spouse even when you are not particularly aware of those desires. You can also choose not to pursue sex with your spouse when he or she would perceive that as a demand or violation.
Sexual responsibility is not only important to practice in pursuing your sexual feelings with the correct partner and in being respectful of that partner; it is also vital to practice in your actual sexual experiences.
A popular mentality about men contradicts this attitude of individual responsibility within a sexual relationship. This mentality assumes that men are more qualified sexual partners than are women. Thus, the man is expected to come to marriage with the ability to tactfully and skillfully lead his innocent bride through the most delightful sexual time of her life. According to this mentality, it is his responsibility to turn her on. If he really loves her, according to this theory, he will automatically sense what she likes and doesn’t like. Having this innate ability, he will sensitively woo her to a state of ecstatic arousal and release. Meanwhile, she is the passive receptor of his natural male skills. As one woman expressed it, “He’s got to do something to turn me on.”
When either the husband or the wife puts this demand on the man, it gets in the way of open communication and mutual enjoyment. Neither of them ends up happy! Even Dr. Popenoe recognized this reality when he wrote in Preparing for Marriage, “It is indispensable to the husband’s happiness that his wife be a real partner, not a silent and passive instrument.”2 To demand that the husband be responsible for the wife’s pleasure will only cause anxiety and frustration. You both need to learn to listen to the desires of your bodies, take responsibility to communicate those desires to each other, and go after them—letting each other know what you would enjoy but never demanding or violating the other.
Assuming responsibility for your sexuality outside of marriage will help prevent unintended sexual encounters from happening. Assuming responsibility for your sexuality within marriage will reduce demand, allow greater freedom, and help protect your marriage from sex with someone other than your spouse.
Mutual Respect Is the Guide for All Sexual Relationships
Mutual respect is essential for the enjoyment of sex in marriage. Never should any activity take away from your closeness with God or be something that is negative for one of you. There are enough ways that you, as a couple, can enjoy ingenuity, zest, and vitality in your sex life without interfering with either of these primary commitments. When a husband and wife respect each other’s feelings and desires, they are free to enjoy each other’s bodies with mutual abandonment.
If you begin your sexual relationship in marriage by believing and practicing these five principles of biblical teaching on sexuality, your chances for enjoying many years of a free, pleasurable sexual relationship together are very promising.
PREPARE YOUR BODIES
You are going to share your bodies most intimately. To feel most relaxed and open with each other, it is important that your bodies are ready for this experience. If it will be the first time for either or both of you to have sexual intercourse, if it will be the first time for you to have sexual intercourse with each other, or if it will be the first time in a long time, the following preparations will make this a special event.
The Woman’s Preparations
Get a recommendation for a gynecologist, medical practitioner, or nurse practitioner who is known to be thorough yet sensitive in examining and guiding women in preparing for marriage. Ask the examining clinician to inform you very specifically of the condition of your genitals and your readiness for sexual intercourse. You may ask about the condition of both your hymen and your vaginal muscle. If either seems tight, you may need to ask for graduated vaginal dilators. Never agree to surgery for relieving tightness unless that treatment is validated by at least two other clinicians.
Be prepared to discuss contraceptive measures. Write out your thoughts and questions after reading chapter 6. If you plan to use a hormonal contraceptive, get started on the hormone of your choice at least two months before your wedding so your body has time to adjust. If you have complications or serious side effects, that will give you time to change to a hormone that interacts differently with your body. When you have the required blood tests for getting your marriage license, ask to be tested for AIDS, herpes simplex II, genital warts, and any other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) your clinician would recommend. It would also be good to make sure you don’t have a yeast infection. If the physician is willing, we would recommend getting a prescription for an antibiotic to treat “honeymoon cystitis,” should you get it. Honeymoon cystitis is an infection of the bladder that is common because of the sudden frequent sexual activity. Germs can easily travel into the urinary tract and cause a bladder infection that can be very painful. The pain is usually relieved relatively quickly after appropriate medications are taken.
Regularly exercising the PC (pubococcygeus) muscle of the vagina will enhance sexual sensitivity. Begin by identifying the sensation of tightening and relaxing this muscle. While sitting on the toilet to urinate, spread your legs apart. Start urination. Then stop urination for three seconds. Repeat this several times before you are finished emptying your bladder. If you have difficulty stopping urination, you need to work on tightening the PC muscle. If you have difficulty restarting urination, you need to work on voluntarily relaxing the PC muscle. If you can do both easily, you only need to tighten and relax the muscle twenty-five times per day to keep it in good condition.
You might connect your PC muscle exercise with some regular daily activity, so that activity is a reminder to you. For example, you could do five contractions of the muscle every time the telephone rings. If either tightening or relaxing the PC muscle is difficult for you, follow the instructions below.
1. Gradually tighten the PC muscle tighter and tighter to the count of four. Then hold the muscle as tight as you can while you again count to four. Now gradually relax the muscle, letting go of the tension a little at a time as you count to four. Do ten to twenty repetitions of this exercise one to four times per day.
2. Start to tighten your vagina by thinking of bringing your labia (lips) closer together, like closing an elevator door. Imagine that your vagina is an elevator. You start to tighten at the ground floor. Bring the muscles up from floor to floor, tightening and holding at each floor. Keep your breathing even and relaxed. Do not hold your breath. Continue until you get to the fifth floor. Then go down, relaxing the tension of the muscle one floor at a time. When you get to the bottom, bear down as though you are opening the elevator door (the vagina) and letting something out. Do ten to twenty repetitions of this exercise one to four times per day.
3. Rapidly tighten and relax the PC muscle at the opening of the vagina in almost a flickering or fluttering movement. Do ten to twenty repetitions of this exercise one to four times per day.
In the months before your wedding night, stretch the opening of your vagina every time you bathe or shower. Relaxing in warm water will help you relax your vaginal muscle so you can insert the dilator or your clean fingers. Begin with inserting one finger or a dilator the size of a tampon applicator. If you have difficulty inserting something that size, you can try a cotton-tipped applicator with a lubricant on it. Gradually increase the size of the object you insert to stretch the opening of your vagina until you are able to insert three fingers and stretch them apart or insert the largest dilator. The circumference of an average erect penis is about four and a half to five and a half inches. When you insert the dilator, leave it in the vagina for about twenty minutes per day. The more faithful you are in preparing your vagina for entry, the more comfortable that initial experience will be. Since your vaginal muscle has either never been used for sexual intercourse before or it has been a long time since it has been used, you must think of preparing it for this special event as an athlete would prepare for an athletic event.
Groom your body especially carefully as the time for the wedding gets close. Different cultures and ethnic groups have standards of what is expected bodily preparation. In many Western cultures, the woman is expected to have smooth legs and underarms that have been freshly shaved, epilated, or waxed. If you have concern about other body hair, like above the lip, on the abdomen, or along the bikini line, those may be permanently removed by electrolysis. That must be done long before the wedding date since it is an expensive, tedious process that requires healing afterward. The other hair-removal methods can work just fine if you cannot invest money or time in electrolysis. The primary goal is for both you and your husband to feel good about your body.
The Man’s Preparation
Just as the woman should make certain her body is healthy, free from infection, and ready for sexual intercourse, so should the man. It is wise to have a complete physical examination by a medical doctor. If you have any concerns related to your genitals, these can be dealt with at the time of your examination. The privacy of the physician’s office is the place to address any questions. If your concerns or questions are minimized by the physician, that is a sign of the physician’s inadequacy, not that you asked an inappropriate question. Find another doctor. When you get your blood tested for your marriage license requirements, get tested for AIDS, genital warts, herpes simplex II, and any other sexually transmitted diseases that might be of concern. Testing for sexually transmitted diseases is a gift of trust you give each other. That is true whether or not you have been sexually active previously.
Whatever your practice of masturbation or your past sexual experience has been, you would do yourself and your new wife a big favor if you practiced, through self-stimulation, learning to extend ejaculation. It is important that no self-stimulation be practiced in association with pornography or other addictions.
You can learn ejaculatory control by focusing on and savoring the pleasurable sensations, becoming aware of the warning signs that you are nearing ejaculation, stopping and starting stimulation, and/or squeezing the coronal ridge of the penis. Stimulation must be stopped or the squeeze applied long before you notice you are approaching the point of no return when you are about to ejaculate. Another important ingredient to learning to delay ejaculation is to rest or allow the intensity of the arousal to dissipate while you stop stimulation or apply the squeeze. Then resume stimulation. For more information refer to chapter 16 in our book Restoring the Pleasure, Helen Singer Kaplan’s book P.E.: How to Overcome Premature Ejaculation,3 or Michael E. Metz and Barry McCarthy’s book Coping with Premature Ejaculation: How to Overcome PE, Please Your Partner, & Have Great Sex.4
Stimulating yourself to ejaculation within twenty-four hours before your wedding night will also be of great benefit to both you and your bride because you will likely be more excited and fatigued than usual and more apt to ejaculate quickly. This can be disappointing to both of you. A recent ejaculation will increase the time of pleasure and enjoyment for this first, memorable, married sexual experience.
Preparations to Do Together
Take time to talk about and decide which contraceptive method the two of you would like to use. The next chapter provides information to help you with this decision. Determine which method has the most likelihood of success and is the most desirable for both of you. Once you have made your decision, obtain all of the necessary supplies you will need to effectively practice this method. Then familiarize yourselves with the process you have chosen.
If you will be using condoms, the man should practice applying the spermicide and the condom. If the diaphragm, cervical cap, sponge, or vaginal condom is your choice, the woman should practice inserting the device until it can be done with ease. If you are following a “natural” family-planning program, you should both be aware of where the woman will be in her cycle at the time of your wedding and honeymoon. Since the excitement surrounding the wedding can disrupt a woman’s usual cycle, it might be wise to use an additional contraceptive for your wedding night and honeymoon. Or you might purchase and use an ovulation test kit. That would be an additional expense, but a worthwhile one.
Whatever your method of contraception, it is important that you are comfortable with it and can safely and efficiently use it so you avoid frustration—and an unplanned pregnancy.
Once you have settled on your method of contraception, choose and purchase a lubricant. Since a woman lubricates vaginally early in a sexual experience, a time of long extended love play will require a lubricant. Whether or not you think you will need a lubricant, we recommend that all newly married couples automatically use one and that all couples have a lubricant available. Using a lubricant is not a sign of failure. Rather, to use a lubricant reduces demand and enhances pleasure because you do not have to pay attention to whether or when lubrication is occurring.
If you have chosen to use a rubber (latex) barrier contraceptive method—such as condoms, diaphragms, or cervical caps—you should not use a lubricant that is oil- or petroleum-based. Oil and petroleum decrease the effectiveness of rubber (latex). Thus, you should not use Vaseline or other petroleum jellies, natural oils, mineral oil, butter, grease-based sexual lubricants, or some vaginal creams. You can use aloe, water, saliva, glycerin, and contraceptive foams, creams, and gels; commercial sexual lubricants include Probe, Astroglide, PrePair, Lubrin, Transi-Lube, Aqua-Lube, Condom-Mate, Duragel, and others; and water-based lubricants such as K-Y Jelly or Lubrafax. The water-based lubricants dry more quickly than others on the list, so they are not quite as desirable.
The more carefully you have prepared your bodies for one another and the better prepared you are, the more positive your first sexual experience together will be. So take time to prepare carefully, and deliberately try to anticipate your every need and desire.
Prepare Your Spirits and Souls
You will not just be joining your bodies; you will be joining all of who you are. Throughout the busy times of planning for and enjoying the events connected with your wedding, you will need to carve out time for yourselves, individually and together. Make certain you take time to keep your spirits and souls nurtured. If you come to the wedding and honeymoon totally depleted, you will have nothing to give and may even have difficulty receiving. Even if you take just fifteen minutes each day to read, reflect, and pray, you will give yourself a great gift to prepare your inner spirits for each other. To keep your spirits connected, you might share a similar daily or weekly time together. Also, frequent walks and talks can help relieve stress and keep you connected.
Make a detailed time plan for the week of the wedding. Be realistic about allotting enough time for the required tasks; even when you think you’ve designated enough time, allow more. Plan to do very few tasks yourself. Be bold; ask friends and family members to help. Make task lists. Block out time each day for a nap. It will be important to spend time with family and friends who are visiting from out of town, so try to arrange relaxed settings where these guests can gather and enjoy time with you, but keep these times limited.
The day of the wedding is most critical. Plan your day so that you can sleep in as long as your body will allow you (unless you have a morning wedding). The rest of the day should include as much rest and pampering as time allows. You may want to get ready for the ceremony with the help of your wedding attendants or just your family or by yourself. If you are a person who is energized by being with people, you probably will want others around. If you get fatigued and need to restore your energy by being alone for a while, plan some rejuvenation time into the day’s schedule.
Are you at risk for contracting an STD if you have never had sexual intercourse?
If neither you nor your spouse have had genital-to-genital, oral-to-genital, or genital-to-anal contact, you are not at risk of contracting most STDs. Sometimes an individual who has not been sexually active can carry the virus that causes genital warts. It may remain dormant for years and become activated during sexual intercourse. Authorities are not certain how the person’s body acquired the virus in the first place. It might have been through sharing used swimming suits or public swimming pools. The oral herpes simplex I virus may have been transferred to the genitals through oral-genital stimulation. We recommend that you both be tested for STDs whether or not you have engaged in behaviors that transmit them. It will take care of any doubts and build trust that the two of you are starting clean with each other.
If I was tested for AIDS six months after my last sexual contact, do I need to be tested again?
Yes, you do. The virus causing AIDS may not show up on a blood test until after six months, so you need to keep getting tested every six months until the wedding. Usually you will be considered safe after a year, but new information is continually being made available on the reliability of AIDS testing, so call an AIDS testing service for the current information.
How do I deal with the memories of past sexual partners, positive and negative? What can I (or we) do now to minimize the negative effects my past may have on our marriage?
This is a difficult, yet common, struggle for many couples entering marriage today. We believe the Bible’s teaching that sex is for marriage was designed to prevent this very dilemma. The conditions of married sex are different from sex outside of a committed relationship. Unmarried sex is often associated with risk, guilt, winning, keeping, conquering, rebelling, and/or deceiving. If your previous sex was connected with any of these conditions, you will need to “undo” that past so it won’t negatively affect your sex life in your marriage. Memories of past sexual partners easily move into the marriage bed with you. They may show up in your marriage as comparisons, self-doubt, distrust, dissatisfaction, or fear.
How you deal with your fiancé is important. It is important to tell him or her that your past still affects you and that you want to be free of it and get it out of the way of your current relationship. Do not share details of that past; otherwise the memories will also haunt your fiancé. Share how it affects you, what you have done about it, and how you would like to work together to minimize or eliminate its effects on your marriage.
Listen to, reflect, and care about your fiancé’s feelings about your past. It will be easy for you to get defensive if his or her reaction is one of hurt, anger, or distrust. The more you understand that your fiancé’s reactions are most natural, the sooner they will decrease.
Finally, together make a plan for dealing with this past within your marriage. Start as if your married sexual relationship is the first experience for both of you. Learn about each other as unique sexual beings totally different from those past partners. Do not start sexually at the place you left off. Start as a new learner. Let your spouse teach you about himself or herself. When that past sneaks in, have a plan to signal each other and distract from those thoughts, feelings, or comparisons and focus more diligently on each other. Continually affirm your love and commitment to each other by your words and your actions. You will need to be more deliberate about this than someone without past sexual partners.
We have decided to wait for marriage to consummate our sexual relationship. That used to be a struggle for us, but it no longer is. Could we have shut off our feelings for each other?
It certainly sounds as if that may be what happened. When we teach premarital classes, we always caution that if a premarital couple has decided not to be sexually active before marriage and it is not a struggle for them, they better get some help. God has designed us to desire sexual intimacy with the person we love and commit ourselves to. That is our responsiveness. We are given the responsibility to manage that drive so we do not violate ourselves, our partner, or our relationship with God. Therefore, sexual activity should be controlled by the decisions we make and the conditions we put ourselves into, not by turning off our desire for that intimacy.
Since the two of you seem to have already turned off your “pilot lights,” it is time to relight those desires. Saying “I do” will not turn the switch back on. Between now and your wedding, reengage in times of passionate kissing that go no farther than that. If you sense an urge for more, affirm those good feelings by telling each other about them, but stick to just kissing. As desire builds, allow yourselves more bodily contact, but always after deciding upon very clear behavioral boundaries that will keep with your desires to wait for marriage. Don’t allow your actions to go farther than what you have decided upon. Affirm your desires, but control the level of your sexual involvement by the settings you allow yourselves to be in and the physical behaviors you allow yourselves to engage in.