A PERSON OF INFLUENCE . . . CONNECTS WITH PEOPLE
Have you ever been to a family or school reunion? It can be fun because it gives you a chance to connect with people you haven’t seen in a long time. John once went to a reunion of sorts, and he had an incredible time. Let him tell you about it:
My first job out of college in 1969 was at a little church in Hillham, Indiana. I was the senior pastor there for three years. The church really grew during the short time Margaret and I were there, so much so that we had to construct a new church building in 1971 to hold all the people. We look back on those three years as a crucial growing time in our lives that we really enjoyed and benefited from.
One day I got a phone call from that little country church. The person on the phone excitedly explained they were getting ready to celebrate the twenty-five-year anniversary of the building we constructed. They were preparing to have a big service and invite everybody for miles around to come celebrate with them. And then the person on the other end of the phone paused and cleared his throat. And he finally asked, “Dr. Maxwell, would you be willing to come back and preach that Sunday service for us?”
“I would love to come back and preach at your service,” I told him. “It would be an honor. You just tell me the day, and I’ll be there.”
During the next few months, I spent some time thinking about how I could make their anniversary a great day for them. The last thing I wanted to do was come back as some kind of conquering hero. I knew I needed to find ways to connect with them.
The first thing I did was get them to send me a copy of their church directory with the pictures and names of all the people in their congregation. There in the book were many faces I recognized. Some people had less hair than I remembered, and much of that hair was now gray, but I knew the faces behind those twenty-five years of wrinkles. And there were many others who were new to me. Sons and daughters of the people I loved, and some new names I didn’t recognize. I spent many hours poring over those pictures and memorizing those names.
Then I prepared the best message I could, one filled with stories of our common experiences. I shared some of my mistakes and recounted all of their victories. I wanted them to know that they shared in my success.
But I knew that more important than the message I preached or anything else I could do would be the time I was able to spend with the people. So when the time came, Margaret and I flew in early, and we spent Saturday afternoon with some of the old-timers who had been such a vital part of our ministry twenty-five years before. We shared a lot of wonderful recollections. I talked to them about some of my fondest memories, and they surprised me with a few stories of their own. The next day I got to the church early to shake the hands of the people as they came into the sanctuary. And I preached a message of affirmation to them. Even though they had done some wonderful things since I had last seen them, I told them that I could see that in the next twenty-five years lay their greatest potential. Their best days were still ahead of them. And when I left, I felt as though I had not only renewed some old acquaintances but also had made a lot of new friends.
The time John spent with the people in Hillham was brief, but in that short time, he was able to do something that was important to them and him. He was able to connect with them.
CONNECTING ENABLES OTHERS TO TRAVEL TO A HIGHER LEVEL
Connection is a very important part of the process of mentoring others. And it’s absolutely critical if you want to influence people in a positive way. When you navigate for others, you come alongside them and travel their road for a while, helping them handle some of the obstacles and difficulties in their lives. But when you connect with them, you are asking them to come alongside you and travel your road for your and their mutual benefit.
Have you ever been to a train yard and watched how unrelated and disconnected pieces of equipment come together to form a working train? It’s quite a process. It all begins with the locomotive. First, it switches itself onto the same track as the car it’s going to pick up. Then it moves to where the car is, backs up to it, makes contact with it, and connects. Once it’s all hooked up, together they move toward their destination.
A similar thing must happen before you can get people to go with you on a journey. You have to find out where they are, move toward them to make contact, and connect with them. If you can do that successfully, you can take them to new heights in your relationship and in their development. Remember, the road to the next level is always uphill, and people need help to make it to that higher level.
NINE STEPS FOR CONNECTING WITH PEOPLE
Fortunately, you don’t have to be an engineer to connect with people, but it does take effort to make connection happen. You’ll need communication skills, a desire to help people grow and change, and a sense of personal mission or purpose—after all, you have to know where you’re going to take others along.
Take a look at the following steps, and use them to help you connect with the people you influence:
1. DON’T TAKE PEOPLE FOR GRANTED
You can connect with people and lead them only if you value them. Weak leaders sometimes get so caught up in the vision of where they’re going that they forget the people they’re trying to lead. But you can’t take people for granted for any length of time before your leadership begins to fall apart. And you won’t be able to connect with them.
A wonderful story from former Speaker of the House Tip O’Neill reveals what can happen when you take people for granted. He said that on one election day, an elderly neighbor came up to him after leaving the polls and said, “Tip, I voted for you today even though you didn’t ask me.”
O’Neill was surprised. “Mrs. O’Brien,” he said, “I’ve known you all my life. I took your garbage out for you, mowed your lawn, shoveled snow for you. I didn’t think I had to ask.”
“Tip,” she said in a motherly tone, “it’s always nice to be asked.” O’Neill said he never forgot that piece of advice.
Valuing people is the first step in the connection process, but it has additional benefits. When you let people know that you don’t take them for granted, they turn around and do the same for you. John’s friend Coach Bill McCartney, former head football coach of the Colorado State Buffaloes, said, “Anytime you devalue people, you question God’s creation of them.” You can never tell people too often, too loudly, or too publicly how much you love them.
2. POSSESS A MAKE-A-DIFFERENCE MIND-SET
If you desire to accomplish something great and really want to see it happen, you need to possess a make-a-difference attitude. Anytime you don’t believe you can make a difference, you won’t. How do you cultivate a solid make-a-difference mind-set?
Believe you can make a difference. Every person on this earth—including you—has the potential to make a difference. But you can do it only if you believe in yourself and are willing to give yourself away to others. As Helen Keller said, “Life is an exciting business and most exciting when lived for others.” You may not be able to help everybody, but you can certainly help somebody.
Believe what you share can make a difference. The two of us spend a large part of our lives connecting and communicating with people. Between the two of us, we impact more than one million people every year. If we believed that what we share with others couldn’t make a difference, we would quit tomorrow. But we know that we can help others change their lives. We believe that everything rises and falls on leadership. We’re certain that people’s attitudes make or break them. And we know that there is no joy, peace, or meaning in life without faith.
You have to believe that what you have to offer others can make a difference in their lives. No one wants to follow a person without conviction. If you don’t believe, neither will other people.
Believe the person you share with can make a difference. We’ve read about something called a reciprocity rule in human behavior. It states that over time, people come to share similar attitudes toward one another. In other words, if we hold a high opinion of you and continue to hold that opinion, eventually you will come to feel the same way about us. That process builds a connection between us, and it opens the way for a powerful partnership.
Believe that together you can make a big difference. Mother Teresa was a living example of a truth she once expressed: “I can do what you can’t do, and you can do what I can’t do. Together we can do great things.” No one ever achieves alone what he can do when partnering with others. And anybody who doesn’t recognize that falls incredibly short of her potential.
If you want to connect with people and take them with you to a higher level, recognize the difference you can make as a team, and acknowledge it at every opportunity.
3. INITIATE MOVEMENT TOWARD THEM
According to Tom Peters and Nancy Austin, “The number one managerial productivity problem in America is, quite simply, managers who are out of touch with their people and out of touch with their customers.”1 Lack of contact and communication is a problem that affects many people, not just managers in organizations. Maybe that’s why sales expert Charles B. Ruth says, “There are many cases of salesmen who have nothing to offer a prospect except friendship out-selling salesmen with everything to offer—except friendship.”2
We believe there are many reasons why people don’t connect with one another more than they do. A primary reason, especially within organizations, is that many leaders believe that it is the follower’s responsibility to initiate contact with them. But the opposite is true. To be effective, leaders must be initiators. If they don’t go to their people, meet them where they are, and initiate the connection, then 80 percent of the time no connection will be made.
4. LOOK FOR COMMON GROUND
Anytime you want to connect with another person, start where both of you agree. And that means finding common ground. If you have developed good listening skills, as we talked about in chapter 4, you’ll probably be able to detect areas where you have common experience or views. Talk about hobbies, where you’ve lived, your work, sports, or children. What you discuss isn’t as important as your attitude. Be positive, and try to see things from the other person’s point of view. Being open and likable is half the battle. As it’s sometimes said, “All things being equal, people will do business with people they like. All things not being equal, they still will.”
Sometimes even when you find common ground, you can face obstacles in the communication process. If you detect that people you’re trying to connect with are tentative about your approaching them, then try to meet them on emotional common ground. An excellent way to do that is to use something called feel, felt, found to help them relate to you. First, try to sense what they feel, and acknowledge and validate the feelings. If you’ve had similar feelings in the past, then share with them about how you’ve also felt the same way before. Finally, share with them what you’ve found that has helped you work through the feelings.
Once you make it a regular practice to look for common ground with others, you’ll find that you can talk to just about anybody and meet her where she is. And when you can do that, you can make a connection.
5. RECOGNIZE AND RESPECT DIFFERENCES IN PERSONALITY
We are capable of finding common ground with others, but at the same time we need to acknowledge that we’re all different. And that’s one of the great joys of life, though we didn’t always see it that way. An excellent tool for understanding other people is a book by John’s friend Florence Littauer called Personality Plus. In it, she describes four basic personality types:
• Sanguine: desires fun; is outgoing, relationship oriented, witty, easygoing, popular, artistic, emotional, outspoken, and optimistic.
• Melancholy: desires perfection; is introverted, task oriented, artistic, emotional, goal oriented, organized, and pessimistic.
• Phlegmatic: desires peace; is introverted, unemotional, strong-willed, relationship oriented, pessimistic, and purpose driven.
• Choleric: desires power or control; is strong-willed, decisive, goal oriented, organized, unemotional, outgoing, outspoken, and optimistic.3
Just about everyone you try to connect with falls into one of these categories (or has characteristics from two complementary categories). For example, John is a classic choleric-sanguine. He loves to have fun, he is decisive, and he naturally takes charge in just about any situation. Jim, on the other hand, is melancholy-phlegmatic. He is an analytical thinker who’s not driven by emotion, and he generally keeps his own counsel.
As you connect with others, recognize and respect their differences in motivation. With cholerics, connect with strength. With melancholics, connect by being focused. With phlegmatics, connect by giving assurance. And with sanguines, connect with excitement.
Pay attention to people’s personalities, and do your best to meet them where they are. They’ll appreciate your sensitivity and understanding.
6. FIND THE KEY TO OTHERS’ LIVES
Industrialist Andrew Carnegie had an uncanny ability for understanding people and what was important to them. It’s said that when he was a boy in Scotland, he had a rabbit that had a litter of bunnies. To feed them, Carnegie asked the neighborhood boys to collect clover and dandelions. In return, each boy got to name a bunny after himself.
Carnegie did something similar as an adult that showed his understanding of people. Because he wanted to sell his steel to the Pennsylvania Railroad, when he built a new steel mill in Pittsburgh, he named it the J. Edgar Thompson Steel Works after the president of the Pennsylvania Railroad. Thompson was so flattered by the honor that he thereafter purchased all his steel from Carnegie.
You don’t have to be a Carnegie to connect with people. You just need to know what’s important to them. Everybody has a key to his or her life. All you need to do is find it. Here are two clues to help you do it: To understand a person’s mind, examine what he has already achieved. To understand his heart, look at what he aspires to do. That will help you find the key, and once you do find it, use it with integrity. Turn the key only when you have the person’s permission, and even then use that key only for his benefit, not your own—to help, not to hurt.
7. COMMUNICATE FROM THE HEART
Once you’ve initiated a connection with others, found common ground, and discovered what really matters to them, communicate to them what really matters to you. And that requires you to speak to them from your heart.
Being genuine is the single most important factor when communicating with others, whether one-on-one or before large audiences. No amount of knowledge, technique, or quick-wittedness can substitute for honesty and the genuine desire to help others.
Abraham Lincoln was well known for communicating well with others, and at the heart of that skill was his ability to speak from the heart. In 1842, Lincoln addressed members of the Washington Temperance Society. During his speech titled “Charity in Temperance Reform,” he made the following observation: “If you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. . . . Assume to dictate to his judgment, or to command his action, or to mark him as one to be shunned and despised, and he will retreat within himself. . . . You shall no more be able to pierce him than to penetrate the hard shell of a tortoise with a rye straw.”4
As you communicate with others to build connections with them, share from your heart and be yourself.
8. SHARE COMMON EXPERIENCES
To really connect with others, you have to do more than find common ground and communicate well. You need to find a way to cement the relationship. Joseph F. Newton said, “People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.”
To build bridges that connect you to people in a lasting way, share common experiences with them.
Share meals with people. Go to a ball game together. Take people out on a call or visitation with you. Anything you experience together that creates a common history helps to connect you to others.
A wonderful story of connection comes from the career of Jackie Robinson, the first African American to play Major League Baseball. Robinson faced jeering crowds, death threats, and loads of abuse in just about every stadium he visited while breaking baseball’s color barrier. One day in his home stadium in Brooklyn, he committed an error, and immediately his own fans began to ridicule him. He stood at second base, humiliated, while the fans jeered. Then shortstop Pee Wee Reese came over and stood next to him. He put his arm around Robinson and faced the crowd. The fans grew quiet. It’s said that Robinson later claimed that Reese’s arm around his shoulder saved his career.
Look for ways to build bridges with people within your influence, especially during times when they experience adversity. The connections you make will strengthen your relationships incredibly and prepare you for the journey you can take together.
9. ONCE CONNECTED, MOVE FORWARD
If you want to influence others, and you desire to get them moving in the right direction, you must connect with them before you try to take them anywhere. Attempting to do it before connecting is a common mistake of inexperienced leaders. Trying to move others before going through the connection process with them can lead to mistrust, resistance, and strained relationships. Always remember that you have to share yourself before you try to share the journey. As someone once observed, “Leadership is cultivating in people today a future willingness on their part to follow you into something new for the sake of something great.” Connection creates that willingness.
CONNECTING WITH PEOPLE
• Measure your current connection. How strong is your connection with the top people whose lives you are influencing? Do you know the key to each person’s life? Have you established common ground? Are there common experiences that bond you together? If your connection is not as strong as it could be, remember that it’s your role to be the initiator. Schedule time in the coming week to have coffee, share a meal, or just chat with each person.
• Connect at a deeper level. If you’ve never spent any kind of meaningful time with your top people in a nonprofessional setting, schedule a time to do so in the coming month. Plan a retreat or a getaway weekend, and include your spouses. Or take them to a seminar or conference. The main thing is to give yourselves opportunities to connect on a deeper level and share common experiences.
• Communicate your vision. Once you’ve made a strong connection with your people, share your hopes and dreams. Cast vision for your common future, and invite them to join you on the journey.