5

A PERSON OF INFLUENCE . . . UNDERSTANDS PEOPLE

The other night over dinner, the two of us were talking, and we started to explore some questions. How does a person build an organization? What does it take? What is the key to being successful? For example, what did it take for a person like Jim to build a business organization that’s active in dozens of countries and impacts the lives of hundreds of thousands of people? Or in the case of John, what did it take to triple the size of his church—making it the largest in its denomination at that time?

It doesn’t matter whether your business is creating computer software, selling books, serving food in a restaurant, building houses, or designing airplanes. The key to success is understanding people. Jim says,

I’m not like John. I didn’t grow up with an orientation toward people. He took Dale Carnegie courses while he was still in high school and went off to college knowing he would be in a people job. I went to Purdue University and studied aeronautical engineering. By the time I finished with my bachelor’s degree, I thought there were two keys to success in any job: hard work and technical skills. It never even occurred to me that people skills had any value.

I entered my first job ready to work and loaded with technical knowledge. Purdue had given me a first-rate education, and I had always believed in working hard. But it didn’t take me long to realize that success in business means being able to work with people. In fact, all of life is dealing with people. I found that to be true not only professionally as an engineer, a consultant, and an entrepreneur, but in every aspect of living, whether I was interacting with my family, working with one of my kids’ teachers, or socializing with friends.

If you can’t understand people and work with them, you can’t accomplish anything. And you certainly can’t become a person of influence.

UNDERSTANDING PEOPLE PAYS GREAT DIVIDENDS

In Climbing the Executive Ladder, authors George Kienzle and Edward Dare said, “Few things will pay you bigger dividends than the time and trouble you take to understand people. Almost nothing will add more to your stature as an executive and a person. Nothing will give you greater satisfaction or bring you more happiness.”

Understanding people certainly impacts your ability to communicate with others. David Burns, a medical doctor and professor of psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania, observed, “The biggest mistake you can make in trying to talk convincingly is to put your highest priority on expressing your ideas and feelings. What most people really want is to be listened to, respected, and understood. The moment people see that they are being understood, they become more motivated to understand your point of view.” If you can learn to understand people—how they think, what they feel, what inspires them, how they’re likely to act and react in a given situation—then you can motivate and influence them in a positive way.

WHY PEOPLE FAIL TO UNDERSTAND OTHERS

Lack of understanding concerning others is a recurrent source of tension in our society. We once heard an attorney say, “Half of all the controversies and conflicts that arise among people are caused not by differences of opinion or an inability to agree, but by their lack of understanding for one another.” If we could reduce the number of misunderstandings, the courts wouldn’t be as crowded, there would be fewer violent crimes, the divorce rate would go down, and the amount of everyday stress most people experience would drop dramatically.

If understanding is such an asset, why don’t more people practice it? There are many reasons:

FEAR

Seventeenth-century American colonist William Penn advised, “Neither despise or oppose what thou dost not understand,” yet many people seem to do exactly the opposite. When they don’t understand others, they often react by becoming fearful. And once they start fearing others, they rarely try to overcome their fear in order to learn more about them. It becomes a vicious cycle.

Unfortunately, fear is evident in the workplace when it comes to employees’ reactions toward their leaders. Laborers fear their managers. Middle managers are intimidated by senior managers. Both groups are sometimes afraid of executives. The whole situation causes undue suspicion, lack of communication, and reduced productivity. For example, according to Dr. M. Michael Markowich, former vice president of human resources at United Hospitals, Inc., employees are reluctant to suggest ideas. Here are some reasons why:

• They think their ideas will be rejected.

• They feel coworkers won’t like the ideas.

• They think they won’t get credit if the ideas work.

• They’re afraid the boss will be threatened by the ideas.

• They’re concerned that they’ll be labeled as troublemakers.

• They’re afraid of losing their jobs if they suggest ideas that don’t work.1

The common thread in all of these reasons is fear. Yet in a healthy work environment, if you give others the benefit of the doubt and replace fear with understanding, everyone can work together positively. All people have to do is follow the advice of President Harry Truman, who said, “When we understand the other fellow’s viewpoint—understand what he is trying to do—nine times out of ten he is trying to do right.”

SELF-CENTEREDNESS

When fear isn’t a stumbling block to understanding, self-centeredness often is. Someone remarked, “There are two sides to every question—as long as it doesn’t concern us personally.” That’s the way too many people think. Everyone is not self-centered on purpose; it’s just in the nature of people to think of their own interests first. If you want to see an example of that, play with a two-year-old child. He naturally chooses the best toys for himself and insists on his own way.

One way to overcome our natural self-centeredness is to try to see things from other people’s perspectives. Talking to a group of salespeople, Art Mortell shared this experience: “Whenever I’m losing at chess, I consistently get up and stand behind my opponent and see the board from his side. Then I start to discover the stupid moves I’ve made because I can see it from his viewpoint. The salesperson’s challenge is to see the world from the prospect’s viewpoint.”2

Changing your attitude from self-centeredness to understanding requires desire and commitment to always try to see things from the other person’s point of view.

FAILURE TO APPRECIATE DIFFERENCES

The next logical step after leaving behind self-centeredness is learning to recognize and respect everyone else’s unique qualities. Instead of trying to cast others in your image, learn to appreciate their differences. If someone has a talent that you don’t have, great. The two of you can strengthen each other’s weaknesses. If others come from a different culture, broaden your horizons and learn what you can from them. Your new knowledge will help you relate not only to them but also to others. And celebrate people’s differences in temperament. Variety makes for interesting dynamics between people.

Once you learn to appreciate other people’s differences, you come to realize that there are many responses to leadership and motivation. Joseph Beck, the former president of the Kenley Corporation, recognized that truth when he said that an influencer “must realize that different people are motivated in different ways. A good basketball coach, for example, knows when a player needs encouragement to excel and when a player needs a ‘kick in the pants.’ The main difference is that all players need encouragement and only some need a ‘kick in the pants.’”

FAILURE TO ACKNOWLEDGE SIMILARITIES

As you learn more about people and get to know others well, you soon begin to realize that people have a lot in common. We all have hopes and fears, joys and sorrows, victories and problems. Probably the time when people are least likely to recognize their common ground with others is during adolescence. We came across a story that illustrates this:

A teenage girl was talking to her father about all of her problems. She told him of the terrible peer pressure she faced, about conflicts with friends, and difficulties with schoolwork and teachers. In an attempt to help her put everything in perspective, he told her that life was not as dark as it might seem and, in fact, much of her worry was perhaps unnecessary.

“That’s easy for you to say, Dad,” she replied. “You already have all your problems over with.”

All people have an emotional reaction to what’s happening around them. To foster understanding, think of what your emotions would be if you were in the same position as the person you’re interacting with. You know what you would want to happen in a given situation. Chances are that the person you’re working with has many of the same feelings.

THINGS EVERYBODY NEEDS TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT PEOPLE

Knowing what people need and want is the key to understanding them. And if you can understand them, you can influence them and impact their lives in a positive way. If we were to boil down all the things we know about understanding people and narrow them down to a short list, we would identify these five things:

1. EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE SOMEBODY

There isn’t a person in the world who doesn’t have the desire to be someone, to have significance. Even the least ambitious and unassuming person wants to be regarded highly by others.

John remembers the first time these feelings were stirred strongly within him. It was back when he was in the fourth grade:

I went to my first basketball game when I was nine years old. I can still see it in my head. I stood with my buddies in the balcony of the gym. The thing that I remember most wasn’t the game; it was the announcement of the starting lineups. They turned all the lights out, and then some spotlights came on. The announcer called out the names of the starters, and they ran out to the middle of the floor one by one with everybody in the place cheering.

I hung over the balcony that day as a fourth-grade kid and said, “Wow, I’d like that to happen to me.” In fact, by the time the introductions were over, I looked at my friend Bobby Wilson, and I said, “Bobby, when I get to high school, they’re going to announce my name, and I’m going to run out in the spotlight to the middle of that basketball floor. And the people are going to cheer for me because I’m going to become somebody.”

I went home that night and told my dad, “I want to be a basketball player.” Soon afterward, he got me a Spalding basketball, and we put a goal on the garage. I used to shovel snow off that driveway to practice my foul shots and play basketball, because I had a dream of becoming somebody.

It’s funny how that kind of dream can impact your life. I remember in sixth grade we played intramural basketball, and our team won a couple of games, so we got to go to the Old Mill Street Gym in Circleville, Ohio, where I’d seen that basketball game in the fourth grade. When we got there, instead of going out onto the floor with the rest of the players as they were warming up, I went over to the bench where those high school players had been two years before. I sat right where they had, and I closed my eyes (the equivalent of turning the lights out in the gym). Then in my head I heard my name announced, and I ran out in the middle of the floor.

It felt so good to hear that imaginary applause that I thought, I’ll do it again! So I did. In fact, I did it three times, and all of a sudden I realized that my buddies weren’t playing basketball; they were just watching me in disbelief. But I didn’t even care because I was one step closer to being the person I’d dreamed about becoming.

Everybody wants to be regarded and valued by others. In other words, everybody wants to be somebody. Once that piece of information becomes a part of your everyday thinking, you’ll gain incredible insight into why people do the things they do. And if you treat every person you meet as if he or she were the most important person in the world, you’ll communicate that he or she is somebody—to you.

2. NOBODY CARES HOW MUCH YOU KNOW UNTIL HE KNOWS HOW MUCH YOU CARE

To be an influencer, you have to love people before you try to lead them. The moment that people know that you care for and about them, the way they feel about you changes.

Showing others that you care isn’t always easy. Your greatest times and fondest memories will come because of people, but so will your most difficult, hurtful, and tragic times. People are your greatest assets and your greatest liabilities. The challenge is to keep caring about them no matter what.

We came across something called “Paradoxical Commandments of Leadership.” Here’s what it says:

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered—love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives—do good anyway.

If you’re successful, you’ll win false friends and true enemies—succeed anyway.

The good you do today will perhaps be forgotten tomorrow—do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable—be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest man with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest man with the smallest mind—think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only hot dogs—fight for the few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight—build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you help them—help them anyway.

Give the world the best that you have and you will get kicked in the teeth—give the world the best that you have anyway.3

If better is possible, then good is not enough.

If you want to help others and become a person of influence, keep smiling, sharing, giving, and turning the other cheek. That’s the right way to treat people. Besides, you never know which people in your sphere of influence are going to rise up and make a difference in your life and the lives of others.

3. EVERYBODY NEEDS SOMEBODY

Contrary to popular belief, there are no such things as self-made men and women. Everybody needs friendship, encouragement, and help. What people can accomplish by themselves is almost nothing compared to their potential when working with others. King Solomon of ancient Israel stated the value of working together this way:

Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:

If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.

But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!

Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?

Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.⁴

People who try to do everything alone often get themselves into trouble. One of the wildest stories we’ve ever seen on this subject came from the insurance claim form of a bricklayer who got hurt at a building site. He was trying to get a load of bricks down from the top floor of a building without asking for help from anyone else. He wrote:

It would have taken too long to carry all the bricks down by hand, so I decided to put them in a barrel and lower them by a pulley, which I had fastened to the top of the building. After tying the rope securely at ground level, I then went up to the top of the building, I fastened the rope around the barrel, loaded it with bricks, and swung it over the sidewalk for the descent. Then I went down to the sidewalk and untied the rope, holding it securely to guide the barrel down slowly. But since I weigh only 140 pounds, the 500-pound load jerked me from the ground so fast that I didn’t have time to think of letting go of the rope. As I passed between the second and third floors, I met the barrel coming down. This accounts for the bruises and the lacerations on my upper body.

I held tightly to the rope until I reached the top, where my hand became jammed in the pulley. This accounts for my broken thumb.

At the same time, however, the barrel hit the sidewalk with a bang and the bottom fell out. With the weight of the bricks gone, the barrel weighed only about 40 pounds. Thus my 140-pound body began a swift descent, and I met the empty barrel coming up. This accounts for my broken ankle.

Slowed only slightly, I continued the descent and landed on the pile of bricks. This accounts for my sprained back and broken collarbone.

At this point I lost my presence of mind completely, and I let go of the rope and the empty barrel came crashing down on me. This accounts for my head injuries.

And as for the last question on your insurance form, “What would I do if the same situation rose again?” Please be advised I am finished trying to do the job all by myself.

Everybody needs somebody to come alongside and help. If you understand that, are willing to give to others and help them, and maintain the right motives, their lives and yours can change.

4. EVERYBODY CAN BE SOMEBODY WHEN SOMEBODY UNDERSTANDS AND BELIEVES IN HER

Once you understand people and believe in them, they really can become somebody. And it doesn’t take much effort to help other people feel important. Little things, done deliberately at the right time, can make a big difference, as this story from John shows:

For fourteen years I was privileged to pastor a very large congregation in the San Diego area where we did a wonderful Christmas program every year. We used to do twenty-eight performances, and altogether about thirty thousand people saw it each year.

The show always included a bunch of kids, and one of my favorite parts of the show several years ago was a song in which three hundred kids dressed like angels sang while holding candles. Toward the end of the song, they walked off the stage, came up the aisles, and exited out of the lobby in the front of the church.

During the first performance, I decided to wait for them back in the lobby. They didn’t know I was going to be there, but as they went by I clapped, praised them, and said, “Kids, you did a great job!” They were surprised to see me, and they were glad for the encouragement.

For the second performance, I did the same thing again. And I could see as they started to walk up the aisles, they were looking back expectantly to see if I was standing there to cheer them on. By the third performance of the night, as they turned the corner to come up the aisle, they had smiles on their faces. And when they got to the lobby, they were giving me high fives and having a great time. They knew I believed in them, and it made all of them feel that they were somebody.

When was the last time you went out of your way to make people feel special, as if they were somebody? The investment required on your part is totally overshadowed by the impact it makes on them. Everyone you know and all the people you meet have the potential to be someone important in the lives of others. All they need is encouragement and motivation from you to help them reach their potential.

5. ANYBODY WHO HELPS SOMEBODY INFLUENCES A LOT OF BODIES

The final thing you need to understand about people is that when you help one person, you’re really impacting a lot of other people. What you give to one person overflows into the lives of all the people that person impacts. The nature of influence is to multiply. It even impacts you because when you help others and your motives are good, you always receive more than you can ever give. Most people are so genuinely grateful when another person makes them feel that they’re somebody special that they never tire of showing their gratitude.

CHOOSE TO UNDERSTAND OTHERS

In the end, the ability to understand people is a choice. It’s true that some people are born with great instincts that enable them to understand how others think and feel. But even if you aren’t an instinctive people person, you can improve your ability to work with others. Every person is capable of having the ability to understand, motivate, and ultimately influence others.

If you truly want to make a difference in the lives of others, then make up your mind to possess . . .

THE OTHER PERSON’S PERSPECTIVE

Mark McCormack, author of What They Don’t Teach You at Harvard Business School, wrote about an amusing story for Entrepreneur magazine. It illustrates the value of recognizing other people’s perspectives. He said, “A few years ago I was standing in an airport ticket line. In front of me were two children fighting over an ice cream cone. In front of them was a woman in a mink coat. I could see this was an accident waiting to happen. Should I interfere? I was still pondering this when I heard the girl tell the boy, ‘If you don’t stop, Charlie, you’ll get hairs from that lady’s coat on your cone.’”

Most people don’t look beyond their own experience when dealing with others. They tend to see other people and events in the context of their own position, background, or circumstances. For example, Pat McInally, formerly of the NFL’s Cincinnati Bengals, said, “At Harvard they labeled me a jock. In the pros they consider me an intellectual.” Though he had not changed, other people’s perceptions of him had.

Whenever you look at things from the other person’s perspective, you’ll receive a whole new way of looking at life. And you’ll find new ways of helping others.

A POSITIVE ATTITUDE ABOUT PEOPLE

Author Harper Lee wrote, “People generally see what they look for and hear what they listen for.” If you have a positive attitude about people, believe the best of them, and act on your beliefs, then you can have an impact on their lives. But it all starts with the way you think of others. You can’t be a positive influencer if your thinking is like this:

When the other fellow takes a long time, he’s slow.

When I take a long time, I’m thorough.

When the other fellow doesn’t do it, he’s lazy.

When I don’t do it, I’m busy.

When the other fellow does something without being told, he’s overstepping his bounds.

When I do it, that’s initiative.

When the other fellow overlooks a rule of etiquette, he’s rude.

When I skip a few rules, I’m original.

When the other fellow pleases the boss, he’s an apple polisher.

When I please the boss, it’s cooperation.

When the other fellow gets ahead, he’s getting the breaks.

When I manage to get ahead, that’s just the reward for hard work.

Your attitude toward people is one of the most important choices you’ll ever make. If your thinking is positive, you can really make an impact on them. Pastor Robert Schuller, a strong proponent of positive thinking, tells the following story in Life Changers:

“I’m the greatest baseball player in the world,” the little boy boasted as he strutted around his backyard. Shouldering his bat, he tossed a baseball up, swung, and missed. “I am the greatest ball player ever,” he reiterated. He picked up the ball again, swung, and missed again. Stopping a moment to examine his bat, he stooped and picked up his ball. “I am the greatest baseball player who ever lived!” The momentum of his swing nearly knocked him down. But the ball plopped, unscathed, at his feet. “Wow!” he exclaimed. “What a pitcher!”5

If you want to become a person of influence, have an attitude toward others similar to the attitude that little boy had about himself.

Influence Checklist

UNDERSTANDING PEOPLE

• Rate your understanding. Use the following scale to rate your ability to understand people (circle the rating that applies to you):

SUPERIOR	I can nearly always anticipate how people will feel and react in any given situation. Understanding is one of my strongest abilities.
GOOD	Most of the time what people do and want makes sense to me. I consider my ability to understand people an asset.
FAIR	I’m surprised by people just as often as I’m able to anticipate their thinking. I consider my ability to understand others to be average.
POOR	Most of the time people’s feelings and motivations are mysteries to me. I definitely need to do better in this area.

• Understanding action plan. If you rated yourself superior, then you should be sharing your skill by teaching others how to better understand people. If you rated yourself good, fair, or poor, keep striving to learn and improve. You can improve your ability immediately by asking yourself these four questions each time you meet new people:

1. Where did they come from?

2. Where do they want to go?

3. What is their need now?

4. How can I help?

• Activate your positive attitude. If your ability to understand people isn’t as good as you’d like it to be, the root cause may be that you don’t value others as highly as you could. As you interact with people remember the words of Ken Keyes, Jr.: “A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world: everyone you meet is your mirror.”