A PERSON OF INFLUENCE . . . ENLARGES PEOPLE
Once you have been a model of integrity with others and successfully motivated them, you’re ready to take the next step in the process of becoming a person of influence in their lives. Modeling a life of integrity is an important first step in becoming an influencer because it creates a strong foundation with others. And the next natural step is motivating people. As you nurture people, show your faith in them, listen to their hopes and fears, and demonstrate your understanding of them, you build a strong relational connection and give them incentive to succeed—and to be influenced by you. But if you want people to be able to really grow, improve, and succeed, you have to take the next step with them. You have to become a mentor to them.
THE MEANING OF MENTORING
Giving people the motivation to grow without also providing them the means of doing it is a tragedy. But the mentoring process offers people the opportunity to turn their potential into reality, their dreams into destiny. Mentors impact eternity because there is no telling where their influence will stop.
Nineteenth-century British statesman William Gladstone asserted, “He is a wise man who wastes no energy on pursuits for which he is not fitted; and he is wiser still who from among the things he can do well, chooses and resolutely follows the best.” Most people don’t have a natural knack for spotting their greatest areas of potential. They need help doing it, especially as they begin growing and striving to reach their potential. And that’s why it’s important for you to become a mentor in the lives of the people you desire to help. You need to lead them in their areas of personal and professional growth until they are able to work in these areas more independently.
In this chapter and in the next three, we’ll focus on four ways of accomplishing the task of mentoring others: enlarging people, helping them navigate through life’s problems, connecting with them on a deeper level, and empowering them to reach their potential.
ENLARGING OTHERS IS AN INVESTMENT
Author Alan Loy McGinnis observed, “There is no more noble occupation in the world than to assist another human being—to help someone succeed.” Helping others enlarge themselves is one of the most incredible things you can ever do for them. As John says in his book The Success Journey, growing to reach your potential is one of the three components to being successful (along with knowing your purpose and sowing seeds that benefit others).
Robert Gross, former president of Lockheed Aircraft Corporation, once explained to his supervisors, “It’s one thing to build a product; it’s another thing to build a company, because companies are nothing but men, and the things that come out of them are no better than the people themselves. We do not build automobiles, airplanes, refrigerators, radios, or shoestrings. We build men. The men build the product.”
When you enlarge others, you do several things:
RAISE THEIR LEVEL OF LIVING
Denis Waitley said, “The greatest achievements are those that benefit others.” Anytime you help people enlarge themselves in any area of their lives, you benefit them because you make it possible for them to step up to a new level of living. As people develop their gifts and talents, learn new skills, and broaden their problem-solving abilities, their quality of living and level of contentment improve dramatically. No one can grow and remain unaffected in the way he lives his life.
INCREASE THEIR POTENTIAL FOR SUCCESS
Businessman George Crane claimed that “there is no future in any job. The future lies in the man who holds the job.” When you enlarge other people, you brighten their future. When they expand their horizons, improve their attitudes, increase their skills, or learn new ways to think, they perform and live better. And that increases their potential.
INCREASE THEIR CAPACITY FOR GROWTH
When you help people enlarge themselves, you aren’t giving them tools that will help them only today. Enlarging has long-term benefits. It helps them become better equipped, and it increases their capacity to learn and grow. After being enlarged, whenever they receive a resource or opportunity, they are better able to use it to its greatest benefit. And their growth begins to multiply.
INCREASE THE POTENTIAL OF YOUR ORGANIZATION
If the people you are working to enlarge are part of a group—no matter whether it is a business, church, sports team, or club—then the whole group benefits from their growth. For example, if many people in your organization improve themselves even slightly, the quality of your whole organization increases. If a few people improve themselves a lot, the potential for growth and success increases due to the increased leadership of these people. And if both kinds of growth occur as the result of your enlarging, hang on because your organization is about to take off!
Fred Smith, a friend of John’s, is an excellent leader, entrepreneur, and business consultant. Fred had been advising a group of twenty young CEOs and meeting with them monthly for about three years when he decided that they needed to spend some time on their own. So he told them he would not be coming back to see them for a while. They continued to get together without him, but eventually they asked him to come back for a visit. When he did, they presented him with a piece of Baccarat crystal. On it were etched the words “He stretched us.”
Fred has been stretching and enlarging others for decades because he realizes the incredible value added not only to the people being stretched but also to all the people they influence. Most people are funny; they want to get ahead and succeed, but they are reluctant to change. They are often willing to grow only enough to accommodate their problems; instead, they need to grow enough to achieve their potential. That’s why they need help from you.
MAKE YOURSELF AN ENLARGER
For many people, just because they want to enlarge others doesn’t necessarily mean they are ready for the task. They usually need to do some work on themselves first. As in most instances, if you want to do more for others, you have to become more yourself. That’s never more valid than in the area of mentoring. You can teach what you know, but you can reproduce only what you are.
Leadership experts Warren Bennis and Bert Nanus spoke to this issue: “It is the capacity to develop and improve their skills that distinguishes leaders from their followers.” In your preparations to take on the task of helping others enlarge themselves, the first thing you need to do is improve and enlarge yourself because only when you are growing and enlarging yourself are you able to help others do the same. Just as people will not follow a person whose leadership skills are weaker than their own, they will not learn to grow from someone who isn’t growing.
Albert Schweitzer maintained that “the great secret of success is to go through life as a man who never gets used up.” When you make it a goal to continually learn and enlarge yourself, you become the kind of person who can never be “used up.” You’re always recharging your batteries and finding better ways to get things done. To determine whether you are still growing, ask yourself what you’re still looking forward to. If you can’t think of anything or you’re looking back instead of ahead, your growth may be at a standstill.
It has been said, “The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance. It is the illusion of knowledge.” Many people lose sight of the importance of personal growth once they finish their formal education. But don’t let that happen to you. Make your growth one of your top priorities starting today.
CAREFULLY CHOOSE PERSONS TO ENLARGE
Once you’ve done some growing and you’re ready to help others enlarge themselves, you need to start thinking about the people you will choose to work with. You have to be selective. You should try to be a model of integrity to all people, whether they’re close to you or total strangers. And you should make it your goal to motivate all of the people you have a relationship with—family members, employees, fellow church volunteers, colleagues, and friends. But you can’t take the time to enlarge everybody in your life; it’s too involved a process. That’s why you need to work first with the most promising people around you, the ones most likely to be receptive to growth.
We certainly desire for all people to have equal access to opportunities and justice, but we know that everyone doesn’t respond equally to his environment or advantages. And that’s true for the people you will have the opportunity to develop. Some people are eager to be enlarged. Others don’t care about personal growth or won’t grow under your care. It’s your job to figure out which is which.
As you think about the people you want to enlarge, keep the following guidelines in mind:
• Select people whose philosophy of life is similar to yours. The underlying values and priorities of the people you desire to enlarge need to be similar to yours. If you and they don’t have the basics in common, you may end up working at cross-purposes, and you won’t experience the effectiveness you would like. Roy Disney, Walt’s brother and partner, said, “It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.” And if you and the people you mentor have similar values, you will be able to make harmonious decisions as you work together.
• Choose people with potential you genuinely believe in. You can’t help people you don’t believe in. Give your best mentoring effort to people who have the greatest potential—the ones for whom you can see a promising future—not the ones for whom you feel sorry. Nurture, love, and motivate hurting people. But pour yourself into the people who will grow and make a difference.
• Select people whose lives you can positively impact. Not everyone you are capable of developing would benefit from what you have to offer. Look for a fit between their potential and your strengths and experience.
• Match the men and women to the mountains. We would like all the people we mentor to reach their full potential and develop into stars. After all, the greatest mentors develop people to a level beyond their ability. But the truth is that while all people can move to a higher level than they currently occupy, not everyone is capable of climbing to the highest levels. A successful enlarger evaluates the potential of others and places them in a position to succeed.
• Start when the time is right. Start the process at the right time in the lives of others. You’ve probably heard the expression “strike while the iron is hot.” It means to act on a situation at the right time. We’ve heard that the saying goes back to the fourteenth century. It comes from the practice of blacksmiths who needed to strike metal when it was exactly the right temperature in order to mold it into the precise shape desired. You have to do the same thing with the people you want to enlarge. Start too soon, and they don’t yet see the need to grow. Start too late, and you’ve missed your best opportunity to help them.
Once you’ve found the right people, keep in mind that you need to get their permission before you start enlarging them. People love to be encouraged and motivated, so you don’t need their consent to do either one. But the mentoring process really works only when both parties know the agenda, agree to it, and give it 100 percent effort.
MAKE IT A PRIORITY TO TAKE THEM THROUGH THE ENLARGING PROCESS
Enlarging others can be rewarding and fun, but it also takes time, money, and work. That’s why you have to commit yourself to the process and make it a top priority. John’s friend Ed Cole says, “There is a price to pay to grow. Commitment is the price.” Once you’ve made the commitment, you’re ready to go. The following suggestions will help you maximize the enlarging process:
SEE THEIR POTENTIAL
Composer Gian Carlo Menotti forcefully stated, “Hell begins on that day when God grants us a clear vision of all that we might have achieved, of all the gifts we wasted, of all that we might have done that we did not do.”1 Unrealized potential is a tragic waste. And as an enlarger, you have the privilege of helping others discover and then develop their potential. But you can’t do that until you see their potential.
Olympic gold medal swimmer Geoffrey Gaberino sums it up this way: “The real contest is always between what you’ve done and what you’re capable of doing.” Whenever you look at people you desire to enlarge, try to discern what they are capable of doing. Look for the spark of greatness. Watch and listen with your heart as well as your eyes. Try to visualize what they would be doing if they overcame personal obstacles, gained confidence, grew in areas of promise, and gave everything they had. That will help you to see their potential.
CAST A VISION FOR THEIR FUTURE
Former presidential speechwriter Robert Orben urged, “Always remember there are only two kinds of people in this world—the realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they’re going. The dreamers have already been there.” To add value to the people you enlarge, travel ahead of them in your mind’s eye and see their future before they do. You become able to cast a vision for their future that helps motivate and enlarge them.
Someone once said, “Don’t let yourself be pressured into thinking that your dreams or your talents aren’t prudent. They were never meant to be prudent. They were meant to bring joy and fulfillment into your life.” That’s great advice. People will never succeed beyond their wildest dreams unless they have some pretty wild dreams. When you cast a vision for others, you help them see their potential and their possibilities. And when you add your faith in them to that vision, you spark them to action.
TAP INTO THEIR PASSION
As an enlarger of people, you are to help people want to grow, and one way to do that is to tap into their passion. Everybody—even the quietest, least demonstrative person—has a passion for something. You just have to find it.
As you look for others’ passions, go beyond the surface of their daily wants. Look deep within them. Harold Kushner perceptively wrote, “Our souls are not hungry for fame, comfort, wealth, or power. Those rewards create almost as many problems as they solve. Our souls are hungry for meaning, for the sense that we have figured out how to live so that our lives matter, so that the world will at least be a little bit different for our having passed through it.”
Once you discover their passion, tap into it. Show them how it can activate their potential to the point that they will be able to realize their vision for their lives. Passion can help them make their dreams come true. And as U.S. president Woodrow Wilson said, “We grow by dreams. All big [individuals] are dreamers. They see things in the soft haze of a spring day, or in the red fire on a long winter’s evening. Some of us let those great dreams die, but others nourish and protect them; nourish them through bad days until they bring them to the sunshine and light which comes always to those who sincerely hope that their dreams will come true.” Passion is the fuel that helps people nourish and protect their dreams.
ADDRESS CHARACTER FLAWS
As you explore how you can help others enlarge themselves, you need to address any character issues they may have. As we mentioned in chapter 1, integrity is the foundation upon which everything else must stand in people’s lives. No matter how much enlarging you do, if the foundation isn’t solid, there’s going to be trouble.
When examining the character of others, remember to look beyond their reputation. Abraham Lincoln made this distinction: “Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.” Take time to really get to know the people you’re enlarging. Observe them in various situations. If you get to know people well enough to know how they react in most situations, you’ll have an idea of where any character shortcomings might be.
Martin Luther King, Jr., said, “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” Your goal should be to help the people you’re developing to stand strong in the midst of challenges. But you have to start with the little things. Help others learn to conduct themselves with integrity in every situation, and they will be ready to grow and reach their potential.
FOCUS ON THEIR STRENGTHS
When some people begin to work with others on their development, they often gravitate to weaknesses rather than strengths. Maybe that’s because it’s so easy to see others’ problems and shortcomings. But if you start by putting your energies into correcting people’s weaknesses, you will demoralize them and unintentionally sabotage the enlarging process.
We once heard a baseball story that addresses the subject of people’s weaknesses. One afternoon in St. Louis, Stan Musial was having a great game against Chicago pitcher Bobo Newsom. Stan first hit a single, then a triple, and then a home run. When Stan came up to bat for the fourth time, Chicago manager Charlie Grimm decided to yank Bobo and take a chance on a rookie relief pitcher. As the young rookie went to the mound from the bull pen and received the ball from Newsom, he asked, “Say, has this guy Musial got any weaknesses?”
“Yeah,” replied Newsom, “he can’t hit doubles.”
Instead of focusing on weaknesses, pay attention to people’s strengths. Sharpen skills that already exist. Compliment positive qualities. Bring out the gifts inherent in them. Weaknesses can wait—unless they are character flaws. Only after you have developed a strong rapport with them and they have begun to grow and gain confidence should you address areas of weakness. And then handle them gently one at a time.
ENLARGE THEM ONE STEP AT A TIME
Ronald Osborn noted, “Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow.” To enlarge others, help them take growth steps that stretch them regularly without overwhelming or discouraging them.
For each person, that process will look different. But no matter where people are from or where they are going, they need to grow in certain areas. We suggest that you include the following four areas in the development process:
1. Attitude. More than anything else, attitude determines whether people are successful and able to enjoy life. And attitude impacts not only every area of their own lives, but it also influences others.
2. Relationships. The world is made up of people, so everybody has to learn to interact effectively with others. The ability to relate to others and communicate with them can affect marriage, parenting, occupation, friendships, and more. If people can get along, they can get ahead in just about any area of life.
3. Leadership. Everything rises and falls on leadership. If the people you’re developing plan to work with others, they have to learn to lead them. If they don’t, they’ll be carrying the whole load themselves in everything they do.
4. Personal and professional skills. You may be surprised to see that we’re listing this last. But the truth is that if thinking isn’t positive and skills at working with people are missing, all the professional skills in the world are of little benefit. As you help people grow, work from the inside out. It’s not what happens to people that makes a difference; it’s what happens in them.
To help people grow, no matter what area you’re addressing, put resources in their hands. Whenever either one of us meets with someone we’re developing, we always try to take something with us to give to them—books, tapes, magazine articles, anything uplifting or instructive that we can get our hands on. Nothing gives us greater joy than to know that we’ve helped someone take another step in growth. That’s one reason both of us are constantly creating resources for people’s growth.
EXPOSE THEM TO ENLARGING EXPERIENCES
Implementing a plan for growth enlarges people. But sometimes they need something more to give them a fresh burst of energy and inspiration. Author and champion for the blind Helen Keller said, “One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.” When you expose people to enlarging experiences, you plant within them that desire to soar.
Conferences and seminars, meetings with outstanding men and women, and special events have made a tremendous impact on us. They always take us out of our comfort zone, move us to think beyond ourselves, or challenge us to go to new levels of living. But remember that events and meetings don’t make people grow. They inspire people to make important decisions that can change the direction of their lives. The growth itself comes from what people do daily after they have made a decision.
TEACH THEM TO BE SELF-ENLARGERS
According to Philip B. Crosby, “There is a theory of human behavior that says people subconsciously retard their own intellectual growth. They come to rely on clichés and habits. Once they reach the age of their own personal comfort with the world, they stop learning and their mind runs on idle for the rest of their days. They may progress organizationally, they may be ambitious and eager, and they may even work night and day. But they learn no more.”
Once you’ve gotten people to value growth enough to start enlarging themselves, you’ve broken through a strong barrier. But the next step is to get them to keep growing on their own. It has been said that the goal of all teachers should be to equip students to get along without them. The same can be said of people who seek to enlarge others. As you work with others and help them enlarge themselves, give them what they need so that they learn to take care of themselves. Teach them to find resources. Encourage them to get out of their comfort zone on their own. And point them toward additional people who can help them learn and grow. If you can help them become lifelong learners, you will have given them an incredible gift.
We’ve heard it said, “No one becomes rich unless he enriches another.” When you enrich others by helping them grow and enlarge themselves, you not only bring joy to them and yourself, but you also increase your influence and their ability to touch others’ lives.
What nineteenth-century American philosopher-poet Ralph Waldo Emerson said is true: “It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.” If you give yourself to enlarging others and assisting them in reaching their potential, the rewards you reap will be almost as great as the ones of the people you help.
ENLARGING PEOPLE
• Whom will you enlarge? Write down the names of the top three candidates for you to enlarge. Remember to pick people whose philosophy of life is similar to yours, whose potential you believe in, whose lives you can positively impact, and who are ready for the process.
1. 
2.
3.
• Enlargement agenda. Use the following grid to develop your strategy for enlarging the three persons you selected:
PERSON 1 |
PERSON 2 |
PERSON 3 |
|
Name |
 |
|
|
Potential |
|
|
|
Passion |
|
|
|
Character Issue(s) |
|
|
|
Greatest Strength |
|
|
|
Next Step in Development |
|
|
|
Resource for Current Need |
|
|
|
Experience |
|
|
|