From an early age, Cassie saw her body as a stumbling block to men. She lived out in the country with her family, was homeschooled, and went back and forth between a charismatic church with her parents and a Baptist church with her grandparents. The influence of Bill Gothard filled her home. And at age thirteen, she was sexually assaulted by a man in church.
She went home that day and considered cutting off her breasts—as though they were the problem. As though she were the problem. Her very femaleness felt like a weapon that she had no desire to wield. Cassie told her parents what had happened. They talked to church leadership. Nothing happened. And so the story goes. On and on, over and over again.
Women are often portrayed as gullible and easily tempted. But modern purity culture places them on a pedestal of self-control. It says that men and women are “defined primarily by their biological instincts,” and that women are less tempted by sex.1 This idea, coupled with teachings about the insatiable nature of male lust, sets women up as the guardians of sexual purity.
Evangelical thought leaders like Dr. James Dobson talk about how women have a civilizing effect on men. Dobson preaches the importance of marriage as “the cornerstone of civilization,” believing that it is in marriage that women civilize their husbands. Moslener notes a connection between Dobson’s views and the work of George Gilder, a “conservative, antifeminist.” According to Gilder, men need women because they are barbarians who can only succeed if women balance out their aggressive tendencies.2 In both Dobson’s and Gilder’s views, it is the duty of women to keep men in check.
These ideas might sound like a nod of respect to women, but they actually place an impossible weight on their shoulders. And ultimately, Moslener points out, the idea of female moral superiority has led to increased “monitoring and control of female sexuality.”3
These ideas are built, in part, on the assumption that women are less sexual than men. I picked up on this stereotype from a young age, noticing how the wives in sitcoms were always rolling their eyes at their husband’s desire for intimacy and saying with annoyance, “Not tonight.” I remember hearing women from church talk often about the importance of being sexually available to your husband, as though it were a duty or a chore rather than something they wanted. I remember blushing at my desire and wondering if I was some sort of outlier.
Purity conferences also deemphasized female sexuality. Events for teenage boys portrayed lust as “a basic element in what it means to be a male,” while those for young women discussed topics like modesty and guarding your heart.4 Joshua Harris, too, assumed that “girls don’t struggle with the same temptations” men do.5 Other books for Christian men, like Wild at Heart and Every Man’s Battle, claim that women are not as sexually aroused by visual stimuli.6 And while men are given plenty of advice about how to avoid lust, and women are taught how to help them, there is little to no advice for men about how to help women avoid lust.
We need not erase the differences between the sexes to prove that women are sexual. When God created woman, he designed her body to include erogenous zones that have no bearing on reproduction and serve only one purpose: female sexual pleasure. Men and women are different, but they are both sexual beings. Purity culture may downplay this, but Scripture does not. The bride speaking in the opening of Song of Songs describes her desires:
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!
For your love is better than wine;
your anointing oils are fragrant;
your name is oil poured out;
therefore virgins love you.
Draw me after you; let us run.
The king has brought me into his chambers.
(Song of Songs 1:1-4 ESV)
Whatever your theological approach to Song of Songs, sexual expression inside marriage is celebrated here. And it is undeniable that this desire crosses gender lines. The bride wants her husband—his body, his kisses, and his bed. This desire is God-given, and Scripture celebrates it. In her book Love Thy Body, Nancy Pearcey drew my attention to Deuteronomy 24:5, which states: “If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.” Here, Pearcey notes, is “an astonishing departure from the low view of women in the surrounding polytheistic cultures,” as young husbands are encouraged to focus their energy on pleasing their new wives.7 In the Bible women are depicted as able to experience sexual joy and pleasure.
Despite the reality of female sexual desire, purity books for women only occasionally address lust. Instead, they focus on women’s responsibilities to wait for marriage, guard their hearts and bodies for their future husband, protect male purity, attract the right mate, and keep their husband sexually satisfied. It’s a lot.
An overwhelming number of Christian books on purity, dating, and singleness were written for women in the late 1990s and early 2000s. I have chosen eight of them that demonstrate the range of teachings for women during this era. Some of the ideas will have you nodding your head in agreement, maybe even clapping and saying amen, while others may shock you, cause you to cringe, or perhaps make you want to throw this book across the room. All reactions are welcome—just make sure to keep reading, as later chapters will address these ideas in greater depth.
When I was a teenager, Christian singer and Grammy award winner Rebecca St. James turned her song about purity, “Wait for Me,” into a larger conversation about how Christians can honor God and their future spouse by remaining sexually abstinent before marriage. In her book Wait for Me: Rediscovering the Power of Purity in Romance (2002), St. James says that waiting well begins with restoring one’s dream of being a princess “rescued by a knight” and guarding one’s heart, mind, and body for marriage.8 In her popular song, “Wait for Me,” she sings about waiting for her future love, praying for him, and hoping that he will “hold on” and keep his “loving eyes” only for her.9
A few years earlier, author and missionary Elisabeth Elliot wrote Let Me Be a Woman: Notes to My Daughter on the Meaning of Womanhood (1999) to help her daughter, Valerie, understand the differences between men and women. John and Stasi Eldredge also wrote about femininity and the desires of a woman’s heart in Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul (2011), believing that their book could help set women free.10
Dannah Gresh wrote And the Bride Wore White: Seven Secrets to Sexual Purity (2012) to help women pursue sexual purity and move forward from sexual sin. With a similar goal, Shannon Ethridge and Stephen Arterburn coauthored Every Young Woman’s Battle: Guarding Your Mind, Heart, and Body in a Sex-Saturated World, hoping to help women navigate the desires of their hearts and bodies.11 Unlike many books written for Christian women, Arterburn and Ethridge broach topics such as masturbation, sexual abuse, and pornography, acknowledging that sexual lust is not a male-specific problem.
For those seeking marriage, Eric and Leslie Ludy present an alternative to casual dating in their book Romance God’s Way (1997) and Sarah Mally, author of Before You Meet Prince Charming (2006), promotes courtship, the idea that young women should remain under the protection of their parents, especially their fathers, until marriage.12
Shaunti Feldhahn, a graduate of Harvard University and a former analyst on Wall Street, along with author and screenwriter Lisa A. Rice, wrote For Young Women Only: What You Need to Know About How Guys Think (2006), using data gathered from informal interviews with young men, as well as a “scientific survey of four hundred guys from all over the country who were between the ages of fifteen and twenty”13 Their desire is to help young women understand what young men are looking for.
Most of the advice for young Christian women has to do with waiting. Mally’s entire book centers around waiting and preparing for marriage, with the assumption that most women will get married and the belief that being a wife and mother are “the calling God has for [women’s] lives.”14 Elliot, too, believes that “most women marry” and that the stage of singleness can be a gift.15 In every book, singleness is emphasized as a temporary season of waiting when women can prepare for marriage by learning patience, practicing self-control, and developing into a godly potential spouse.
Like Elliot, the Eldredges see waiting as a gift because it gives women the chance to look to “the face of God.”16 Women, they say, become beautiful when they know they are loved. The Eldredges encourage women to view God not just as the Lord they worship at church, but as a “pursuer” and “lover,” and Jesus as the one who can truly satisfy their deepest longings.17 Arterburn and Ethridge echo this, pointing out that “true beauty . . . radiates from a heart that delights in the Lord.”18
Some women shared with me that they were encouraged to go on dates with Jesus and to imagine him putting on a tuxedo and whisking them onto the dance floor for a dip and a kiss. Others declared “Jesus is my boyfriend” so they could feel like they were a part of a couple without the pitfalls and temptations of dating. The idea that Christ alone satisfies is biblical. Jesus should be the love of our life, regardless of our gender or marital status. But aspects of this rhetoric seem to cheapen Jesus rather than honor him, especially when he is treated as a stand-in—a buffer—to keep young women emotionally and physically pure until their dream guy shows up. Jesus is indeed the lover of our souls. He is the bridegroom of the church. But he is not a chameleon who changes color to match the current shade of our longing.
Arterburn and Ethridge view singleness as a time when women must wage war against temptation by guarding their minds, hearts, and bodies.19 This rhetoric of guarding emphasizes female responsibility, the task of creating and maintaining physical boundaries. Despite the references in so many of these books make to brave knights protecting and rescuing princesses, Arterburn and Ethridge tell young women, “Remember, no one else can guard your body and your sexual purity. That’s your job.”20
The mind. While visual temptation isn’t addressed nearly as often in books for Christian women as it is for men, St. James does include a letter in her book from a teenage girl who admits to being addicted to pornography. She suggests that Christian singles put on “spiritual blinders” to keep impure thoughts and images out.21 Arterburn and Ethridge also acknowledge that women can be visually tempted, encouraging those who look at pornography to flee the habit if they want to achieve “sexual integrity and spiritual peace.”22 While the subject deserves a more thorough discussion than these books provide, it is encouraging that some of them address visual temptation for women.
But the majority of advice for women about guarding the mind has to do with “emotional fantasy.”23 After the Fifty Shades of Grey series came out, Dannah Gresh and Dr. Julianna Slattery wrote a book called Pulling Back the Shades, where they warned women to avoid reading the series because it “has done for women and erotica what the advent of the Internet did for men and porn.”24 In other words, romance novels can be just as dangerous to the cause of mental purity as viewing pornography.
The heart. The reverberating advice of my youth came from a section of Proverbs 4:23 that tells the Christian, “Guard your heart.” I don’t remember this verse being exposited or the context explained. It took on a meaning of its own when applied to adolescent dating: namely, that young Christians should be careful with their emotions when interacting with the opposite sex. I was warned against spending too much time with any one boy or having conversations that went too deep. Rebecca Lemke writes about hearing a similar message, noting that crushes were depicted as “the equivalent of an emotional STD.”25
Purity culture places a significant focus on women guarding their hearts before marriage. Mally’s book, for instance, has an entire chapter titled “Guard Your Heart,” and this oft-repeated advice seems to be built on the assumption that a woman’s desire for emotional intimacy often leads to physical intimacy.26 Because they believe women are “emotionally stimulated,” Arterburn and Ethridge conclude that the battle for sexual purity begins in the heart.27 Leslie Ludy says that after dating multiple men, she realized that her “heart was a treasure” she wanted to guard for her future husband.28 The Ludys encourage single Christians to be faithful to their future spouse not just physically but also emotionally.29
The authors have different advice about what “guarding the heart” means in practice. Mally uses the metaphor of a cake with a piece cut out to illustrate a woman who has given away part of her heart before marriage.30 To remain whole, Mally suggests that women avoid sharing “personal or intimate things with [their] guy friends,” treat men as acquaintances, and try to keep conversations with them brief.31 For Gresh, dating that is “safe for the heart” is careful not to rush certain things.32 When she was dating the man who would become her husband, Gresh decided not to discuss marriage or sex specifically until after he proposed marriage.33
The body. In most of these books, the problematic messages are tangled up with biblical wisdom. But when it comes to what the authors tell women about guarding their bodies, I found landmine after landmine. In her book, Mally says that a “pure white rose” can “tear” and be “lost or damaged forever” if someone tries to open it too soon, or if it is “handled and played with by too many a fellow.”34 Mally believes that men are less likely to “take advantage of girls they respect,” and Gresh believes that a woman is unlikely to find herself in a “compromising situation” if she sets proper physical boundaries.35
“Kristy should have known better than to be alone with Daniel behind closed doors,” Arterburn and Ethridge write. Women are expected to understand that certain actions, such as flirting, kissing, or lying horizontally with a man, can make them a “sexual target.”36 Arterburn wants young women to know that even Christian men fall into using women for sex and that, each time they do, they take “a piece of her soul.” Arterburn and Ethridge go so far as to include a five-point list of “practical ways to avoid being sexually abused or raped,” advising women to “stay in relatively public places” and to refrain from engaging “in sexually arousing behaviors” on dates.37 Gresh tells women to be careful about where they go, encouraging them to avoid any places where they are truly alone with a man because a princess should “stay within the confines of her own kingdom,” where others can see and protect her.38
As for conduct on dates, Feldhahn and Rice conclude from their research that “many guys don’t feel the ability or the responsibility to stop the sexual progression” with a date.39 I asked various women about this idea, wondering if they had also noticed it. The majority agreed that the expectation, even if unspoken, is that they are responsible for setting the physical boundaries in their dating relationships. A young woman named Morgan said that her ex-boyfriend always seemed willing to go further sexually than she wanted to, so she had to communicate which lines she wasn’t willing to cross.
Almost every author takes the time to address and give some hope to those who have sinned sexually. Gresh reminds her readers that people are born sinners and that purity is more about “where you end up.”40 Mally tells women who feel they have “already messed up” that there is healing and forgiveness at the cross, and even the possibility of future happiness in marriage.41 St. James believes that although many people feel “deep sadness” when they have premarital sex, a fresh start is still possible because virginity is not just a physical state but “an attitude, a way of thinking.”42
But alongside these encouragements are warnings. Lots of warnings. The authors talk about how sexual promiscuity can lead to sexually transmitted diseases, infertility, and the “inability to enjoy sex” with one’s future spouse.43 Arterburn and Ethridge ask their female readers, “Do you want to live to walk down the aisle at your wedding someday?” and proceed to discuss the dangers of STDs to the body and to a woman’s fertility.44 Gresh, too, discusses the potential of “no babies . . . ever” for women who are sexually active outside of marriage.45
Some of the authors provide brief passages directly addressing those who have been sexually abused. St. James encourages those who have had their purity “stolen away” through abuse to begin “processing the pain” rather than living in silence and guilt.46 Gresh echoes this advice, telling victims that what happened to them “was not [their] fault.”47
Although they plead with those who have been sexually abused to seek help and healing, the authors also warn them that abuse can open the door to sexual promiscuity.48 Stasi Eldredge shares that she was raped and describes how it produced in her a “sense of shame and self-loathing.”49 Arterburn and Ethridge tell three different stories of women who were sexually assaulted and then became promiscuous to numb their pain or “regain a sense of control.”50 Whether or not this connection is valid, sexual abuse appears more as a vehicle to continue to discuss sexual immorality rather than a distinct subject that deserves its own discussion.
Dress modestly. One of the most controversial topics in purity culture is female modesty. In purity literature, women are taught to be aware of how their actions, glances, and dress could inspire male lust.51 Elliot believes that modesty was at one time “a system of protection.”52 St. James speaks about it in the same way, exhorting young women to dress modestly if they “don’t want to be treated poorly or like an object.”53 The pressure on women to guard the purity of both genders through modesty is presented not as a burden but as a form of empowerment.54 According to Gresh, modesty has an “intoxicating” influence over men and can be an “untapped power source” for women.55 It creates a “positive ‘obstacle’” which motivates men to “invest into your life in order to one day enjoy your allure.”56
Harris pleads with young women to be mindful of the impact their clothing choices have on men, acknowledging that “yes, guys are responsible for maintaining self-control,” but women can “help” men by wearing modest outfits.57 Gresh says that men were made to “physically yearn” for women’s bodies and the way women act and dress can be “explosive fuels.”58 And Feldhahn and Rice believe that women who cover up their bodies are less likely to be sexually tempting to men.59
Arterburn and Ethridge illustrate similar beliefs, telling the story of Rachel who “started dressing more provocatively” and one day was unable to get a man to stop kissing her, even after asking him to stop. “He said there was no way I could expect him to take no for an answer after everything I had been saying to him to drive him crazy,” Rachel recalls. The only commentary they add to this story is to note how Rachel “realized that it’s no innocent game to behave seductively.”60
I will never forget the day, during my time teaching at a private Christian high school, that a group of my female students gathered around my desk with furrowed brows and a flood of questions after having been told by another teacher: “You are responsible for the purity of men.” It was picture day, so the girls were not wearing their uniforms but rather dresses and skirts that made them feel beautiful. Some of their skirts were shorter than usual, and this had prompted a gender-segregated speech on modesty by my coworker. Instead of feeling empowered by the idea that their dress had such influence over their male classmates, their shoulders slumped under the weight of the responsibility placed on them.
Lemke says that, growing up, she often felt she was just “a stray bra strap away” from causing one of her male friends to sin or sexually assault her.61 I, too, remember feeling guilty if I discovered that a shirt I had worn fit looser than I thought and that, when I bent over, I might have caused someone to sin. Despite being flat-chested and plain, summer season often made me feel more like a potential stumbling block than a young girl excited to go to the beach. I always remembered to put shorts on over my swimsuit and to wear a swim cover when I wasn’t in the water.
The rhetoric is confusing to young women. Are men brave princes, or are they dragons that must be tamed? Or maybe women are the dragons. Klein says: “Imagine growing up in a castle and hearing fables about how dragons destroy villages and kill good people all your life. Then, one day, you wake up and see scales on your arms and legs and realize . . . I am a dragon.”62 The fairy tale falls apart. We look at our bodies and feel ashamed.
As many women who grew up in purity culture will tell you, at some point the rhetoric of modesty begins to feel less about being wise and selfless and more about the sin of having a female body. Multiple women shared with me that, because of their shape, it doesn’t seem to matter what they wear—they get confronted. A woman with large breasts, for example, will continue to have large breasts whether she wears a turtleneck or a tank top. In purity rhetoric, modesty is too often determined by how naturally attractive or shapely a woman is rather than what she chooses to wear and the heart attitude behind it. Beauty becomes the sin, not immodesty.
Women of color often experience this in a more pronounced way. As Jasmine Holmes points out, black women are oversexualized in America, having been freed from slavery only to discover that femininity and purity “had been defined in their absence.”63 Alia Joy talks about the tension she felt as a young Asian-American girl who “longed for blond hair and blue eyes and a name like Jennifer or Melissa or Sarah,” only to grow into a woman who had to face the fetishization of Asian women in America.64 She recalls the whispers and cat-calls: “‘I’ve got Yellow Fever,’ they joke . . . as I walk by. Their labels slither serpentine down my hips, all venom and fangs and poison so strong it takes me years to believe myself anything but nasty.”65
One of the main problems with modesty rhetoric is that it draws on the biblically unsupportable idea that women are responsible for the purity of men. If a man lusts after a woman, it is because she failed to protect him. Going further, if a man sexually assaults a woman, the question is often asked not only by campus security guards but by those in the church: “What was she wearing when it happened?” When modesty rhetoric confuses culpability, consistently blaming women for the actions of men, we have ceased to be biblical in our approach. I interviewed a young Christian husband who pointed out that while “there is biblical wisdom in teaching people to dress in a modest way,” the discussion should “not be restricted to one gender.” He added, “a woman can be incredibly modest, but if my desires are leading me to seek out sinful satisfaction, I’m going to find it, regardless of what they’re wearing.”
The concept of female moral superiority is neither biblical nor helpful to the discussion of modesty. Men and women are equally able to resist sexual temptation: “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it” (1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV). What we must remember in the modesty debate is that believers are held accountable to God for their individual actions. Jesus clearly taught that men are responsible for their own lust: “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28).
No one gets to blame someone else for their own sin. A man can’t say that a woman’s short skirt made him lust any more than a woman can blame a man’s shirtless gym pic on Instagram for making her masturbate. Likewise, a man or woman who intentionally dresses to attract sexual lust from a brother or sister in Christ will be held accountable for that selfishness and lack of love. We are individually responsible for our sins. Romans 14:12 says that “each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.”
Despite the unbiblical arguments, modesty is a biblical concept and we need to learn how to talk about it rightly. In 1 Peter 3, women learn that modesty is less about dressing up the outside and more about the inner person and “the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit” (v. 4). Peter goes on to explain what this means, pointing to how the “holy women of the past who put their hope in God” (v. 5) submitted to their own husbands and were fearless. Here having a quiet heart does not mean remaining silent. It means being brave and hushing the fearful voices inside our hearts.
Timothy also addresses female modesty (1 Timothy 2:9-10), reminding women that true adornment is pursuing good works, not fixing their hair or showing off their wealth. He addresses what women wear, noting that it should be respectable and discreet. But respectable dress is determined by one’s cultural context. We can and should make a point of understanding what is considered modest and humble for the context we are in, whether we are on a mission trip to Africa, on vacation in China, or at a church picnic in North America.
One woman told me that when she visited Africa, she left her shorts at home and wore long skirts that covered her ankles. She didn’t worry so much about bringing shirts with high necklines. In certain parts of Africa, legs are viewed as sexually appealing whereas breasts are more utilitarian. Women regularly breastfeed in public, without covers. Another friend who works with Muslim refugees in the United States told me that she is careful to wear pants and long-sleeved shirts that cover her buttocks, especially around men. She has also stopped running outside in her neighborhood, as most athletic gear is too tight and she is determined to love her Muslim neighbors, including but not limited to the way she dresses around them.
What if we took the same care that we take in loving people from other cultures through our dress in our own culture? In our local church? We are often more willing to dress modestly when we are pursuing missionary work somewhere else or with people in different cultural contexts than we are in our own communities and churches—as though our whole lives are not meant to be a light for the gospel, or as though the people in our small group at church are less important than the people we ministered to last summer in Mexico. Our call to love one another doesn’t take vacation days, and loving our neighbors includes thinking about how we dress.
We don’t have the freedom to judge others based on dress, but we do have the freedom to consider them in how we dress. One way we sin against God and our neighbor is by being self-centered with our Christian freedom. Romans 14 discusses the tension in the early church between those who felt free to consume meat that had been sacrificed to idols and those who felt convicted that they should refrain from eating it. In this one passage, we are reminded of a few important things that could help us regarding our discussions about modesty:
You, then, why do you judge your brother or sister? Or why do you treat them with contempt? For we will all stand before God’s judgment seat. It is written:
“‘As surely as I live,’ says the Lord,
‘every knee will bow before me;
every tongue will acknowledge God.’”
So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God. Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister. (Romans 14:10-13)
It is not our job to judge the motives of one who eats meat or wears yoga pants. It is our job to consider our own actions and how well they fulfill the first and second greatest commandment from Jesus to love God and love others. We don’t get to blame someone else for our sexual sin. Neither do we get to be careless or selfish in how we dress. “You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love” (Galatians 5:13).
Select a spouse. The Eldredges believe that every woman wants to feel they are someone “worth pursuing.”66 Despite this supposed universal desire, Christian books put the responsibility on women to sort through the “toads” to find a “prince.”67 It is worth noting that, in each of these books, heterosexual attraction is assumed, leaving women who experience same-sex attraction out of the conversation. Gresh encourages women to “dream of someone who is just right” by creating a list of attributes they want in their future spouse and claims that she never went on a second date with a man who failed to meet the criteria on her list.68
The “list” was quite the trend when I was in high school. Almost all my friends had one, right down to eye color and taste in music. These lists became household idols for some of us. We held them up beside each boy we met, measuring their worth in bullet points. The perfect husband existed on paper alone, and we spent hours daydreaming about him. In contrast, Elliot reminds her daughter that, in looking for a spouse, “there’s nobody else to marry” but another sinner, and women must be ready to accept their husbands, love them, and forgive them as they have been forgiven by God.69
Attract a spouse. Paired with advice about what to look for in a mate are suggestions about how to attract one. “To be rescued, one must first be a princess,” Mally says.70 According to Gresh, a princess does not wear her heart on her sleeve because men have an “insatiable need” to chase, earn, and win the affection of a woman.71 Elliot echoes this advice, encouraging her daughter to “leave room for mystery.”72 It is those women who know when to be guarded and reserved who are “respected by men,” Mally says.73 I remember reading similar advice and sighing with disappointment, knowing that I was too transparent to be mysterious and too loud to be seen as reserved.
The Eldredges believe that feminine beauty is inviting, not demanding.74 Men are looking for women who will show them respect and admiration, according to Feldhahn and Rice.75 While they briefly remark that it is important not to ignore “obvious concerns” in a relationship, they tell young women that men need to be respected unconditionally “for who they are, apart from how they do,” and they suggest that if women want to be someone men “gravitate toward,” they should give men compliments instead of nagging or correcting them.76 Elliot encourages her daughter that it is not necessarily about telling him “how wonderful he is” but about sincerely appreciating “those qualities that you originally saw and admired” in him.77
In one chapter, the Eldredges tell the story of a WWII soldier who, after being tended to by a female nurse, asked to watch her put on her lipstick because female beauty “soothes the soul.”78 They believe that it is “true femininity” which “arouses true masculinity.”79 Feldhahn and Rice say that men want to be with women who are confident, take care of themselves, and are a “healthy weight.”80 One man told them that he knew a girl who could be attractive if she “tried a little harder,” while others suggested that women make the connection between their lack of dates and being “twenty or thirty pounds over a healthy weight.”81
Satisfy her spouse. The deemphasis on female sexual desire might be one reason that purity culture rhetoric places such a focus on male sexual fulfillment in marriage. Because men are portrayed as “always in the mood” for sex, women are the ones encouraged to satisfy their spouses sexually. They are advised to provide regular sexual release for their husbands “without complaint” because “the Bible says you should not withhold sex for long periods of time.”82 Being sexually giving in marriage is certainly biblical, but these authors miss the fact that Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 7 are for both wives and husbands.
Alongside this lopsided emphasis on male sexual fulfillment, there is pressure and responsibility placed on Christian wives to help their husbands fight sexual sin by giving them sex. One woman writes that even if a wife does not feel she has the time or energy for sex with her husband, if she truly cares “about his purity” she will muster up just what it takes “to get him by.” Even when a husband has broken trust with his wife by sinning sexually, she is called to help her husband quit his sexual sin by increasing her “availability to him sexually.”83 Wives are called to “be like a merciful vial of methadone” for their husbands who are battling sexual lust, regardless of the chasm sexual sin creates or the feelings of betrayal they may be experiencing.
This overemphasis on a wife’s responsibility to give her husband sex creates an attitude of expectation that could open the door to sexual abuse within marriage. If a woman is not providing enough sexual release for her husband, he might consider it his right to seek it by force, or outside the marriage. Sadly, these messages mark wives as sexual outlets rather than equal sexual partners.
As I studied these books, I noticed that the authors often lump the sexually immoral and sexually abused together. The Eldredges’ “prayer for sexual healing” includes those who have sinned and those who feel broken due to abuse.84 Likewise, the call for women to guard themselves—mind, body, and soul—is communicated as a way to guard against sexual sin and sexual abuse. In fact, Mally’s book includes a drawing of a princess who has been turned into black soot by a fire-breathing dragon and the caption under the image says, “Anxious maidens must not play with fire-breathing dragons lest they be burnt.”85 The underlying message in these books is that women should set boundaries not only to protect themselves from their own temptations but from being sinned against.
This repeated call for women to guard their hearts and bodies can make abuse seem like the result of a woman’s failure to set sufficient boundaries. Women are warned against dressing, flirting, and smiling in ways that attract male attention.86 If a woman “passionately kisses” a man, according to Arterburn and Ethridge, she is communicating that she can be treated like “his little plaything,” but if she sets the right boundaries, she teaches men her value; that she “is worth the wait.” Women are warned against “stirring up desires” within men, and Feldhahn and Rice tell women that men “need you to help protect both of you.” If a man continues to disrespect a woman’s boundaries, she is advised to tell him and “get offensive if necessary.” The message these authors communicate—that “you teach people how to treat you”—assumes that if a woman experiences nonconsensual sexual activity, it is her fault because she had the power and responsibility to prevent it.87
Even advice to women about how to attract a mate morphs into a complicated rhetoric of responsibility. Feldhahn and Rice advise women to consider how much men desire respect from them, telling them to “watch for [his] anger,” if they want to know when they have “crossed the disrespect line,” and that if they are respectful and polite to men, “everything will open up” for them.88 In all of this advice about sexual boundaries, modest dress, and making men feel respected, Christian women are told that it is within their control to be treated with dignity and attract a quality mate, which also means that if a man mistreats them or if they are unable to find a suitable mate, they share part of the blame. What a heavy weight of false guilt we place on women’s shoulders with these messages!
It follows too that, if a relationship fails, the woman must share the blame. Maybe she stopped wearing makeup and “let herself go.” Maybe she wasn’t sexually pleasing enough. When my ex-husband was in the process of divorcing me, a Christian man reached out and told me that my husband would surely come back if I put on my prettiest dress, knocked on his door, and told him I was sorry. In one confrontation, this man summarized my worst fears. Although my ex-husband told me that he was divorcing me because we no longer shared the same faith, my insecurity often causes me to wonder if he really left because of some lack in my beauty or personality.
I have heard the question asked, in hushed tones, after a man cheats on his wife: “Why did he feel the need to go outside the marriage?” The implication is that his wife could have stopped his sin—she is partially responsible. Instead of teaching individual responsibility for sexual sin, purity teachings often turn wives into coguardians of their husband’s sexual purity. When her husband began cheating on her with multiple women, church leaders asked a close friend of mine, “What did you do that led him to this behavior?” If women are expected to have a civilizing effect on men as purity culture teaches, then it is only reasonable to assume that when a husband acts uncivilized, his wife is at least partially responsible.
Barbara shared her story with Justin and Lindsey Holcomb: “When I told him to stop or that I was in pain, he ignored my pleas, told me to be quiet, or argued that I was to be submissive. . . . For many years I didn’t see what was happening as rape.”89 Women experience “intimate partner violence” more than any other form of violence, with it affecting “30% of women worldwide.”90 Barbara rationalized his behavior, unable to admit that her own husband was raping her. Instead of reaching out for help, she became isolated from others, obsessed with being “the model wife,” and dealt with thoughts like, “I should have known better than to marry him,” and “I should have seen this coming.”91
Teachings about the moral superiority and responsibility of women place a burden on them that Scripture does not. The rhetoric reduces women to their sexual function, instead of depicting them the way Scripture does, as image bearers of God and coheirs of the kingdom. The idea that women can prevent disrespect and sexual harassment simply by dressing and acting in certain ways is not only unbiblical and statistically inaccurate, it is dangerous and often leads to false blame for female victims of abuse. What might appear as respect for the female gender is actually an oppressive standard that assumes women can control the actions of men. Such “empowerment” leaves women feeling defeated and guilty, rather than valued by the church and strengthened in Christ.
1. Did you read any of the books mentioned in this chapter? If so, how did they affect you?
2. Do you believe women are more responsible for maintaining sexual boundaries than men? Why or why not?
3. What does it mean to guard our hearts? In what ways have we interpreted this biblically, and in what ways have we gone beyond Scripture?
4. Do you agree with Mally that men are less likely to “take advantage of girls they respect”? Why or why not?
5. Should churches have dress codes or modesty rules? Why or why not?
6. What do you think about “the list”—writing down what you want in a future spouse?
7. What do you think about the emphasis placed on male sexual fulfillment in marriage, and the silence on female sexual desire?
Read Romans 14:15-21 and try replacing “what you eat” with “what you wear,” and “eating and drinking” with a piece of clothing that would be considered controversial or a flaunting of wealth in your cultural context. Have someone read the passage aloud.
If your brother or sister is distressed because of what you [wear], you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your [clothing] destroy someone for whom Christ died. Therefore do not let what you know is good be spoken of as evil. For the kingdom of God is not a matter of [whether or not one wears ____________], but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and receives human approval. Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of [clothing]. All [clothing] is clean, but it is wrong for a person to [wear] anything that causes someone else to stumble. It is better not to [wear _______________] or to do anything else that will cause your brother or sister to fall.